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Short filmTranscript
00:00Well, this is it. This is what?
00:11This is what I bought this morning. What?
00:15This. The land?
00:18No, you plonker.
00:21It's a pile of bricks. And it cost me 100 nikka.
00:25Nice one, eh?
00:28Oh, shrewd move, Del, yeah.
00:30I mean, people are panicked buying bricks nowadays, aren't they?
00:34Who the hell's going to buy a pile of old bricks off us?
00:38Well, butcher or chemist.
00:41Who do you think's going to buy bricks? Builders, aren't they, eh?
00:44Over 200% profit here and all in the readies.
00:49Come here.
00:52They've just demolished a factory here that used to make prefabricated structures, right?
00:58Chalets, bungalows, greenhouses, you know, garden sheds, that sort of a thing.
01:02So I thought, using my noddle, that we'd make enough out of the bricks alone.
01:07But you never know what's underneath, do you, eh?
01:09Decent lengths of timber, bits of metal.
01:12You know, a few gross of them roofing tiles.
01:17Come and see what I found.
01:34Get your feelers on there.
01:39Yeah, that's lead, Del. That's pure lead.
01:44There's about another 30 boxes underneath.
01:47I estimate three tonne altogether.
01:49Three tonne? What's that at today's prices?
01:52That's about a thousand pounds, isn't it?
01:56Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?
01:58Let's get some of it on the van.
02:00We can do it in three shifts.
02:02Come on.
02:03Is it ours, Del?
02:06Of course it's ours.
02:08Legally, Del.
02:11Don't split hairs with me, Rodney.
02:14Come on.
02:26Oh, that's a lot, Del boy.
02:29No, no, no. Not there, Grandad, not there.
02:32No, no, we've got three tonne of it here.
02:33You see, you've got to spread it out over a wide area.
02:35Otherwise we'll be having tea with Mrs Oboko downstairs.
02:40Right.
02:41I hope all this humping and sweating is not disturbing Your Royal Highness.
02:45No, no, don't you mind me. You carry on.
02:47Oh, thanks a lot.
02:48Well, look at this, Grandad.
02:50You've been carrying this one upside down.
02:52This is the way.
02:57You are a lazy little bark.
03:00What's that you're reading, eh?
03:01It's another dirty book, I suppose, is it?
03:03Obviously, you've got a mind like a plain brown envelope.
03:06I'll have a look at that when you've finished.
03:08That's some paperwork I found in one of them boxes.
03:10Do you know what we've got here?
03:11Yeah, I know what we've got here.
03:12We've got a free tonne of lovely lead.
03:13That's what we've got here.
03:14No, no, it's more than that.
03:16That factory was producing prefabricated structures, right?
03:19Bungalows, garden sheds, that sort of stuff.
03:22Well, this is one of their experimental lines.
03:24It's a do-it-yourself nuclear fallout shelter.
03:27Nuclear fallout shelter.
03:31You are a wally.
03:33No, it is, honest.
03:35Look, here's the brochure.
03:37Here's the plan. It shows you how to build it.
03:41He's right, I know.
03:43This is a nuclear fallout shelter.
03:45This is probably worth more than we thought.
03:47You can't sell it.
03:48Don't want to put money on it, do you?
03:50What do you suggest we do with it? Build it?
03:52Yeah.
03:53Leave it out, Rodney.
03:55Do you realise how close we come to World War III
03:57over Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Poland?
04:01I mean, it only takes one little rumble in the Middle East
04:03and missiles are going to start flying.
04:05And what have we got here in this country
04:06to combat the might of the Soviet Union?
04:08Three junk jets and a strongly worded letter
04:10to the Russian ambassador.
04:12No, no, no.
04:13You don't know what we've got up our sleeve, us Brits, Rodney.
04:16Do you know that we've got a device that can track
04:18the movements of any Russian nuclear submarine?
04:20They can't keep track on ours.
04:22Yeah, we've only got one.
04:24Have we?
04:25Yeah, I think so.
04:26Well, anyway, they don't know where it is.
04:28Sometimes wonder whether we do.
04:31Bet your life we don't.
04:33You see, this country's just not prepared for war.
04:35I mean, nobody knows what we're supposed to do in the event.
04:38Yes, of course we do.
04:40All right, then.
04:41What would you do if you heard the four-minute warning?
04:44Well...
04:46What's it sound like first?
04:47Well, that's it, isn't it? No-one knows.
04:49Maybe they're going to ring church bells or bang tom-toms
04:52or send every ice-cream van out in the country to play its jingle.
04:55Your guess is as good as mine, isn't it?
04:57Do you realise the great powers have got underground salvos
05:00primed with enough nuclear weapon to destroy this planet 30 times over?
05:07I'm talking about neutron bombs, Del.
05:09Multi-warheads, chemicals that attack your central nervous system
05:12and leave you writhing in agony like a worm in bleach.
05:15A bit like you after a curry, you mean.
05:18No, no, it's all right, Rodney.
05:20Don't worry, forget about it.
05:22Look, we've got £1,000 here.
05:24Just think what we could do with £1,000.
05:26Eat, drink and be merry.
05:28For tomorrow we die.
05:30Oh, come on, Del, this is a godsend.
05:32If we build this thing, we're going to be safe, aren't we?
05:34Everything's here, the inner walls, the outer walls, the air tube,
05:37the filter system, everything.
05:39Oh, come on, Del.
05:41Oh, sorry.
05:42All right, soppy.
05:44Let's just suppose, just suppose that we do build this thing, right?
05:48Where are we going to put it?
05:49Oh, you always fancied a little weekend place.
05:52Why don't we find a spot in the New Forest?
05:56And how are we going to get from Peckham to the New Forest in four minutes?
06:00The old div.
06:02Grandad's allotment.
06:03That's only a couple of miles up the road.
06:04We could do that in four minutes.
06:05Yeah, on a Sunday, with a following wind, maybe.
06:08Well, let's give it a go, eh?
06:10We'll have a dummy run and time ourselves.
06:11I'll get me stopwatch.
06:12Will you...
06:13Look, what...
06:14What is the point, eh?
06:15All right, so say you can do it in four minutes.
06:17What is it going to prove?
06:18Knowing them Russian rats,
06:19they'll probably declare war in the middle of the rush hour.
06:31Where's Grandad?
06:32I don't know.
06:34Grandad?
06:37Come on, hurry up, you stupid old geezer.
06:48Don't mind him. Let's get in.
06:50Three minutes and counting.
06:51Yes, all right, Rodney.
06:53Missiles are just going over Sweden.
06:55Bloody fast, aren't they?
06:56Only left Siberia 20 seconds ago.
07:12Two minutes, 15 seconds and counting, Dale.
07:14The missiles are over the sea and approaching Middlesbrough.
07:16Yes, yes, all right, Rodney.
07:17Put your foot down, dear boy.
07:19I'm calm, Grandad.
07:20Look, I'm coming to a main road, aren't I?
07:25What's it like your side, Rodney?
07:27All right, after this red one.
07:31No!
07:34I meant that red one.
07:36You tick, Rodney.
07:39Come on, Dale, we're just going over Luton.
07:42Sod Luton.
07:44One minute, 35 seconds and counting.
07:47Oh, God.
08:14Switch the... Wait!
08:17The siren! Switch it off!
08:26He's young. Enthusiastic.
08:29Well, how are you then, Dale boy?
08:30Not too bad, Eric. How's yourself?
08:32Can't complain.
08:34How are you then, Grandad?
08:35All right, Eric boy.
08:38Now, what's that all about?
08:3960 miles an hour in a built-up area.
08:41You just heard the four-minute warning or something?
08:44Where's your tax desk? Fell off, did it?
08:46In the post.
08:47Well, why haven't you got a little sign on your windscreen saying tax in post?
08:50We did have it. It fell off.
08:52You been at those funny fags again, Rodney?
08:54No, I haven't.
08:55Good, because Wayne there's looking for his first nick.
08:59Talking of that, Dale boy, you might be able to help me.
09:02I'm on the lookout for some stolen summer wear.
09:05Short-sleeved shirts and blouses, men's and women's slacks,
09:08swimming trunks, bikinis.
09:09You after promotion, Eric?
09:10No.
09:11Me and the wife are off to Corfu next month.
09:13You've got to look out, don't you?
09:15Well, if I hear of anything, I'll let you know.
09:17Good luck. I'll see you around.
09:20And, oi, take it easy, will you?
09:25Stop playing with that siren, will you, Wayne?
09:28You'll end up breaking it.
09:32Here, how are we doing for time?
09:34We died 45 seconds ago.
09:36Terrific.
09:37We're never going to do this run in four minutes.
09:39It don't matter. It's not the end of the world, is it?
09:41I thought that's exactly what it was.
09:44You've got to think about it as a place closer to home.
09:46I've been thinking.
09:47Oh, my God, you haven't got an aspirin you can give him, have you, Rodney?
09:50Oh, listen, I may have found us just the spot.
09:56Is that door shut tight, Dale?
09:58Don't worry, Rodders, no radiation can get in here.
10:02Don't worry, Rodders, no radiation can get in here.
10:06Yeah, what's this pipe?
10:09Hold it back, Dale. That's French oil.
10:11Dale, don't. Don't do it.
10:13Dale, this is our air filter, our lifeline.
10:16This is our umbilical cord.
10:18And one thing you must never do with an umbilical cord is bash it about with an hammer.
10:22I see.
10:23So this is our only source of oxygen, is it, eh?
10:25What happens if a pigeon decides to nest in the other end?
10:28We're all dead, I suppose, are we?
10:29Statistics prove that pigeons rarely nest in the middle of nuclear wars.
10:32We're not in the middle of a nuclear war.
10:34We're practising for one.
10:35Yeah, well, do the bloody pigeons know that?
10:37Look, a pigeon will not nest in our air tube. Have faith in me, please.
10:41How can you have faith in him, Dale boy?
10:43Oh, brings me Telly in here.
10:45Then he finds out the signals can't get through the lead.
10:48I've said I'm sorry, haven't I, Grandad?
10:50There's some pages missing out of this brochure and you can't expect me to know everything, can you?
10:54Anyway, that's why we're having this weekend's practice, isn't it?
10:57It says we can iron out all the little wrinkles.
10:59Yeah, well, I'll tell you one thing we've got to iron out,
11:01and that is this has got to be back on that building site first thing Monday morning.
11:07Otherwise them paddies will go mad.
11:19You, you are a wally, you really are.
11:23You don't have to stay here, Dale.
11:25I do have to stay here, I'll tell you why I have to stay here.
11:27I've got a thousand pounds worth of lead tied up in this shelter,
11:30and I'm not leaving it in your hands.
11:32Knowing you two, you'd probably lose it.
11:35Just think what I could do with a thousand pounds, eh?
11:39Fly to America on Concorde.
11:41I could buy myself one of them flash Rolex watches.
11:47Have my adenoids taken out, privately.
11:50Yeah, but how many people can boast they've got their own private nuclear fallout shelter?
11:54Yeah, that's true.
11:56Knowing our luck, there won't even be a bloody war.
11:59Yeah, that's what we ought to do, you know.
12:01We ought to drop a bomb on all them Russian cities, you see, and then declare war on them.
12:05What we say is that the declaration for war got held up in a post
12:08due to a communist-inspired strike at a sorting office.
12:13Yeah, that is typical of a ruthless little mercenary like you, innit?
12:16What do you mean, ruthless mercenary? I'm not a ruthless mercenary.
12:19Who is it goes round the estate at every Christmas time
12:21making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?
12:23Yeah, and who was it during the Brixton riots
12:26drove down in a van selling paving stones to the rioters?
12:31I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh?
12:33Run off home and start building patios?
12:37Mine is not to reason why.
12:39Mine is but to sell and buy.
12:43No, anyway.
12:44Anyway, I know a lot of them youngsters down here in Brixton, and their trouble is frustration.
12:49Yes, you see, modern society has denied them the birthright of a war.
12:52Oh, I don't believe you. You're saying war is our birthright?
12:55Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
12:58For century after century, you see,
13:01every generation of British youth has been guaranteed a decent war.
13:05But that sort of, you know, raw,
13:07over-the-top chaps, you know, try that one for size fits.
13:11I mean, that sort of courage is obsolete
13:13because the next war is going to be fought by computer programmers.
13:17See, that's what's frustrating the modern youth.
13:19You can see them any day down there in amusement arcades
13:21You know, they're doing their national service on the space invaders.
13:27Yeah, but that sort of real war that I'm talking about, you know,
13:30Errol Flynn leading the Galleon 600 into the Valley of Death.
13:35John Mills marooned in a dinghy.
13:38It's Kenneth Moore refusing to let a little thing like no legs get him down.
13:45It's a glorious, valiant war, that.
13:47Don't talk like a burp, Dale.
13:49Do what?
13:50What do you know about it, anyway?
13:51The only war you ever fought is the Inch War.
13:54No, I've seen all the films, haven't I?
13:56Oh, tomato sauce and stump men.
13:58I'm talking about the real thing.
14:00I remember when I was a little nipper
14:02and I saw the soldiers marching off to battle.
14:05Oh, yes.
14:06It was a glorious sight, all right.
14:09Yeah, I bet all them spears and chariots must have stirred the blood, mustn't they?
14:13Just hear him out, will you?
14:14All right, all right.
14:15My brother George was at Passchendaele.
14:18Now, half a million Allied troops died there,
14:21all for five miles of mud.
14:24I was at King's Cross Station
14:26when his regiment come home after the armistice.
14:29Most of them was carried off to train.
14:33I saw men with limbs missing,
14:35blind men,
14:37men who couldn't breathe properly
14:39because their lungs had been shot to bits by mustard gas.
14:43While the nation celebrated,
14:45they was hidden away in big grey buildings,
14:48far from the public gaze.
14:51I mean,
14:52courage like that could put you right off your victory dinner, couldn't it?
14:58They promised us homes fit for heroes.
15:01They give us heroes
15:04fit for homes.
15:08I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
15:13What principle?
15:14Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
15:20The politicians,
15:21the politicians and the military men used to con, you see.
15:25They had little lads, youngsters,
15:27believing that their country really did need them.
15:30Do you know, they used to have little lads of 14
15:32pretending they was 18,
15:34just so they could fight for their king and country.
15:37Well, they accepted the little sprogs.
15:39More often than not,
15:40my brother George lied about his age.
15:43Pretended he was 18?
15:44No, he was 18.
15:45He pretended he was 14.
15:48They saw through it, though.
15:50I think it was the moustache.
15:53Yeah,
15:54because 14-year-olds, they don't.
15:57Bloody hell.
16:04Oi!
16:05Oi, what are you doing?
16:07I think there's a pigeon trying to nest in our air tube.
16:11I think I'll fly and get away now, don't worry.
16:14Battery's getting a bit low and all.
16:27Here.
16:28These batteries you've got here, how long do they last?
16:31About 12 hours each.
16:3212 hours?
16:33We've been here 12 hours.
16:35Only another 36 to go.
16:37Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?
16:41Here.
16:42Here, Oppenheimer.
16:44Listen, if the bomb was to drop round here,
16:46how long would we have to stay inside this thing here?
16:49Well, it depends upon the degree of contamination in the air outside,
16:52because we're in a very vulnerable position here,
16:54being so close to the docks.
16:56But I would say roughly,
16:58give or take a week or two,
17:00about two years.
17:02Two years?
17:04Yeah, give or take a week or two.
17:06If you think I'm staying in a lead-lined lizard nut
17:09with you and Grandad and a chemical bloody carzy,
17:12you've got another thing coming.
17:14Yeah, but if we leave the shelter within two years,
17:16we'll die of radiation poisoning.
17:18And if we stay inside the shelter for two years,
17:20we'll die of bloody lead poisoning.
17:22Yeah, that's right, Rodney.
17:23The rescue team will move us straight round
17:25to the nearest scrap metal yard.
17:27Yeah.
17:28That's another point, that's a point.
17:29Listen, these batteries that are supposed to purify the air, right,
17:32they last 12 hours, right?
17:34OK.
17:35How many of them are we going to need?
17:37Come on, Einstein, you're the one with the GCEs and the maths.
17:40Well, it's two a day,
17:42seven days a week,
17:44two sevens of 14.
17:46Oh, see that Grandad, two sevens of 14,
17:48just like that, no hesitation.
17:50Shut up, will you?
17:51So, that's 14 times 52...
17:54Twice.
17:55I know.
17:57So that works out at about 1,450-odd.
18:03Well, that's not too bad.
18:04I thought we were going to need a lot.
18:07So what we're going to need is 1,450-odd heavy-duty batteries,
18:11about five tonne of canned food,
18:1430,000 gallons of fresh drinking water
18:16and a three-and-a-half-acre warehouse to store it all in.
18:20Well, I did say we'd have to iron out a few little wrinkles, didn't I?
18:24A few little wrinkles, a few little wrinkles.
18:26We've got more wrinkles than an elephant's got in his bleeding trunk.
18:31So, all in all, and taking everything into consideration, Rodney,
18:34I think I'd rather be outside and go instantly with the bomb.
18:37Instantly, eh?
18:38And what makes you so sure it'll be instant, Adele?
18:40Them bombs contain strontium-90, not Nescafe.
18:44You see, the bomb explodes about a mile above the city, right,
18:47causing a radioactive rain to fall.
18:49Now, this radiation then penetrates the pores of the skin,
18:51causing violent sores and diseases.
18:54Best not to wear anything decent then, eh?
18:56Will you be serious for one minute?
18:59Look, it's here.
19:00As the radiation is in the bloodstream, it begins to attack your metabolism.
19:04You become subject to drastic biological changes.
19:07That's metamorphosis.
19:08Oh, yeah.
19:10Yeah.
19:11Yeah.
19:12Anyway, your shape and form will alter radically as the mutation takes effect.
19:16Don't sound too promising, do it, Dale Boy.
19:19I mean, you have a job to get a suit off the peg now, don't you?
19:24All right, all right, you can laugh, but I'm telling you,
19:27this city would be inhabited by roaming mobs of mutants,
19:30vacant-eyed subhumans dragging their knuckles
19:33through the litter and debris that was once civilisation.
19:36Sounds a bit like Stanford Bridge after a bad result.
19:39Look, if this is true, Rodney,
19:41what the hell are we doing trying to survive?
19:44Well, it's our duty, isn't it?
19:46I mean, when we step out of here, we're going to be intact, perfect.
19:52Yeah, well, I mean, you know, the human race will be looking to people like us, anyway,
19:56to replenish the species.
19:58We'll be like two new Adams going forth to multiply.
20:03Yeah, and you, you dirty little ram,
20:05will be out there multiplying quicker than a pocket calculator.
20:08I see it all now, I see it all now.
20:11He's practically praying for the end of civilisation
20:13just so he can get out there and put it about a bit.
20:16Now, what time do you make it, Rodney?
20:18Ten past twelve.
20:19Yeah, sorry, I'll make it that too.
20:21Come on then, grandad, it's bedtime, come on.
20:23Well, as the saying goes,
20:24if my species needs me, I will not be found wanting.
20:26Yeah, I bet.
20:28Anyway, it's one thing to look forward to, isn't it, grandaddy?
20:31You know, come the end of the war,
20:33me and Rodney are going to make a foursome of a couple of mutants.
20:37I'll have the one with the three lug holes and the eye underneath her arm,
20:40because I don't fancy yours much.
20:42Don't be like that.
20:44You bet your sweet bippy it won't.
20:46Won't make much difference to you, anyway.
20:48You go out with mutants in peacetime.
20:50I mean, look at that thing that you took out on Thursday.
20:52God, stroll on.
20:53I was so embarrassed I had to tell my mates that you were taking it to market.
20:57I did try and warn you it's a bit ragged.
20:59It's ragged.
21:00You liar.
21:02You said to me it looked like the one out of the Abba.
21:05Yeah, I meant the one with the beard.
21:08Anyway, we won't be the only ones to survive the Holocaust intact, will we?
21:12I mean, I'm thinking of the various institutions,
21:14public schools, that sort of thing.
21:16I mean, you bet your life Rodine's got a shelter.
21:19Eh, Del?
21:21A thousand new bar girls in a shelter,
21:25in school uniform.
21:29You sicko.
21:31No, no, no, don't misunderstand me.
21:33I mean, the school uniforms are of no importance whatsoever.
21:35I don't know why I mentioned them.
21:37No, no, it's probably because you're a twisted, perverted, corrupted, warped little pervo.
21:41Well, yeah, that might have something to do with it.
21:44It's in the line of duty, Del.
21:46They're perfect specimens.
21:48They're intelligent.
21:49Of course they're intelligent, they're still at bloody school, aren't they?
21:52Well, they're fit.
21:53All that hockey.
21:56You might fancy the headmistress.
21:58Oh, thank you very much.
22:02Well, I think it's definitely worth bearing in mind in an emergency.
22:10Yeah, alright, well, goodnight Rodine.
22:12Goodnight, Del.
22:14Goodnight, Grandad.
22:15Goodnight, Del.
22:17Goodnight, Grandad.
22:19Goodnight, Rodine.
22:22Night, John Boy.
22:23Shut up.
22:38War is hell.
22:45What?
22:46War is hell.
22:48Alan Ladd said that.
22:50Did he really go to sleep?
22:54Or was it Aldi Murphy?
22:57I don't know.
22:58I'm tired.
23:01It must have been one of them.
23:03Well, perhaps they both bloody said it.
23:05Go to sleep, will you?
23:10Yeah, that was raw cutting.
23:11For crying out loud.
23:13Will you two go to sleep?
23:22Rodney?
23:25Yeah, Rodney?
23:28Don't keep your eyes closed, I'm talking to you.
23:30What?
23:31I've just been thinking.
23:32Might not be a bad idea to survive the next war after all.
23:36Well, you've got something up your sleeve, Del?
23:38No, no, no, just a little idea that's been running around me old brain box, that's all.
23:41What's the point?
23:42All the animals will be dead.
23:44Won't be able to grow nothing because all the earth will be contaminated.
23:49Where are we going to get something to eat?
23:52Bound to be a little packy shop open somewhere.
23:57But we won't be the only ones to survive, will we?
24:00I was just thinking about all them girls down at that Rodine school.
24:03Yeah.
24:04No, no, no, nothing like that, nothing like that.
24:06I was just thinking, you see.
24:07Most of those girls down there, they are the daughters of the noblesse.
24:13The what, Del?
24:14The noblesse.
24:15The noblesse?
24:17French for nobility, isn't it, eh?
24:20Oh, sorry, I was miles off.
24:24Well, you see, down there, you don't know who's who, do you?
24:26I mean, you could meet a scruffy 17-year-old in a sweaty hockey shirt and muddy plimsolls.
24:31And you could be talking to the 459th in line for the throne.
24:36But after the old Russians had dropped 20,000 nuclear bombs on us,
24:39that scruffy 17-year-old could turn out to be first in line for the throne.
24:45So, you see, if I got on me bike,
24:48went down there a bit sharpish, like,
24:50give me Adam's axe, splash a brew, you know,
24:52took her out for a steak meal,
24:55loads of charm,
24:57I could end up being the king.
25:01On the other hand, a bit of mutation, a touch of strontium-90,
25:04I could end up being the queen.
25:08But either way, either way, see, it wouldn't matter,
25:10because the taxman wouldn't be able to get at me, would he, eh?
25:13Because I would be the head of state.
25:17And what were you out there, multiplying all over the place?
25:20I shouldn't be short of a few subjects, should I, eh?
25:26We could go for our holidays in Mustique.
25:30Hey, hey, what, what?
25:31Grandad could be Queen Mother.
25:35Yeah, we'll dye his hat pink.
25:41Yeah, anyway.
25:42No, I mean, even if that didn't happen,
25:44and I can't honestly see how I could fail,
25:48you see, if the entire civilisation was wiped out,
25:52we'd all be equal, wouldn't we?
25:54Because none of us would have nothing, right?
25:57Right.
25:58Except us, Rodders.
26:01Well, what would we have, Dil?
26:03A grand's worth of lead.
26:07Eh? Pretty shrewd, eh, Rodney?
26:09Yeah, it's a real mind-bender, Dil, that.
26:11Yeah.
26:13No, no, we'll be all right.
26:15We'll survive, Rodney.
26:17You know why? Because we're survivors, that's why.
26:20Yeah.
26:22When the old alarm bells start ringing
26:24and the old missiles start firing
26:26and all the people are rushing about like mad mice
26:29trying to find somewhere to hide,
26:31we'll be tucked up in our own little nuclear shelter.
26:35Yeah.
26:37The end of the world could be just the break we're looking for.
26:41No, we're pretty shrewd, Rodney.
26:44Because they started dropping a bomb on us right now.
26:47We'd be as safe as houses, brother.