One Foot In The Grave S02 E04 - Who Will Buy
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Who do you reckon did it then?
00:08His nephew Basil.
00:09Why?
00:10Because when they found the old man's body in the herb garden, that's what he was clutching
00:14in his hand, a piece of basil.
00:18Ah.
00:20Lucky he wasn't killed by his uncle Dick.
00:27Oh, it's the same, isn't it?
00:33As soon as you start mixing the whisky and Smarties, the lethal combination with you
00:38reduces your whole conversation to the level of a lavatory brush.
00:41Ah.
00:42Climb in quiet now, please.
00:43Poirot's about to unmask the murderer.
00:45He's got all the suspects lined up in the lounge bar.
00:48Look, we're all being revealed.
00:49No, hang on.
00:50No, he's not going to tell us yet.
00:51He's decided to have a drink first.
00:52Why is he drinking a pint of lager?
00:53I don't know.
00:54It's not often you see Poirot swig back a tankard of beer like that.
00:55No.
00:56You know why?
00:57It's bloody Jocky Wilson we're watching the dance now.
00:58How did that happen?
00:59I don't know.
01:00I don't know.
01:01I don't know.
01:02I don't know.
01:03I don't know.
01:04I don't know.
01:05I don't know.
01:06I don't know.
01:07I don't know.
01:08I don't know.
01:09I don't know.
01:10I don't know.
01:11I don't know.
01:12I don't know.
01:13I don't know.
01:14I don't know.
01:15I don't know.
01:16I don't know.
01:17I don't know.
01:18I don't know.
01:19I don't know.
01:20I don't know.
01:21I don't know.
01:22I don't know.
01:23I don't know.
01:24I don't know.
01:25I don't know.
01:26I don't know.
01:27I don't know.
01:28I don't know.
01:29I don't know.
01:30I don't know.
01:31I don't know.
01:32I don't know.
01:33I don't know.
01:34I don't know.
01:35I don't know.
01:36I don't know.
01:37I don't know.
01:38I don't know.
01:39I don't know.
01:40I don't know.
01:41I don't know.
01:42I don't know.
01:43I don't know.
01:44I don't know.
01:45I don't know.
01:46I don't know.
01:47I don't know.
01:48I don't know.
01:49I don't know.
01:50I don't know.
01:51I don't know.
01:52I don't know.
01:53I don't know.
01:54I don't know.
01:55I don't know.
01:56I don't know.
01:57I don't know.
01:58I don't know.
01:59I don't know.
02:00I don't know.
02:01I don't know.
02:02I don't know.
02:03I don't know.
02:04I don't know.
02:05I don't know.
02:06I don't know.
02:07I don't know.
02:08I don't know.
02:09I don't know.
02:10I don't know.
02:11I don't know.
02:13I don't know why you bought in the first place.
02:15I thought we was finished with all this tomfoolery when we got married.
02:17You aren't very good at it then.
02:18No.
02:19At least it wiles away the daylight hours.
02:23I thought about editioning for opportunity nooks.
02:26You go on that and I really will leave the country.
02:28And anyway, it's finished.
02:31Oh, my giod.
02:33Look!
02:34His back's burst open again.
02:36There are soda cans everywhere.
02:40Get him out of the front room! Put him in the downstairs loo or somewhere!
02:46And cover his head with a toilet roll, Cosy!
03:05Crap. Crap. Crap.
03:09Gas bill. Crap.
03:12Margaret, I'm up.
03:15Where are the aspirins?
03:19Margaret!
03:28Oh, are you up? The aspirins are on the table next to the Alka-Seltzer.
03:32Where have you been? Down at the community centre.
03:38They found an unexploded bomb in Mr. Lacey's back garden yesterday.
03:41You know, from World War Two.
03:43So the whole street had to be evacuated to be on the safe side.
03:47To bring the milk in.
03:51Unexploded bomb? When was this?
03:55About half-past two, the policemen came round.
03:58About half-past two, the policemen came round.
04:01I asked you three times if you were going to get up,
04:03and all I got you was, tell them to send for the A-team,
04:06and then you shoved the pillow over your head and went back to sleep.
04:11What? What? What if it had gone off?
04:16Couldn't be any worse than your snoring.
04:19It was a relief to get away from it for a few hours.
04:21It's like sleeping with a troop of howler monkeys.
04:24Anyway, they never do go off, do they? It's just a precaution.
04:29Is that a beetle down there? Where?
04:31Down there by the door. It's a bug of some sort or another.
04:34Oh, that'll be the video man. He's early.
04:54Good morning, sir. Another lovely one, isn't it?
04:57Makes you wonder what's happening to the old climate these days, eh?
05:00What are you, a daughter dermatologist?
05:03I've got a splitting headache, sir.
05:05Now, what with Christmas just around the corner, I've got something here,
05:08and I know you'll agree will make the ideal gift for your grandchildren.
05:12How do you know I've got grandchildren? I might be completely sterile.
05:17What they are is...
05:20...bendy dinosaurs.
05:22Now, the kids go ape over them. I've got two myself, and they never put them down.
05:25This is your, er, brontosaurus,
05:27and this is your, er, triceratops, I think that one's called.
05:3225 pound each.
05:33Now, we do do a much bigger size at 50, and as I say, totally indestructible.
05:37You can bend that neck every which way.
05:39You want to try that? Go on, you try that.
05:41I won't if you don't mind. Once I start snapping necks, I find it very hard to stop.
05:48Bendy dinosaurs.
05:51Sell, sell. That's all you get these days.
05:53That's all you get these days. Everywhere you look, junk.
06:05And what's this?
06:06Another invitation to buy a hand-tubed guide to the Aztec civilization?
06:12Right. I've got to get dressed.
06:15Now, you know I've got to take the car all this week because Meg drove the delivery van into a wall.
06:20And I'm going to be a bit late coming back.
06:28Did you just...?
06:30Hmm?
06:33Nothing.
06:46Morning, Mr Meldrum.
06:50How are you today?
06:51Fine, thank you.
06:52I put some jam on your doorstep. I hope that was all right.
06:55Sorry?
06:58Oh.
06:59Grape and peach, courtesy of Mother.
07:04He says thank you very much indeed.
07:09How is she?
07:10Oh, she's not bad, not bad. Still has her rather odd ideas.
07:14She's decided this morning she wants to be buried in the back garden.
07:19A bit drastic, isn't it?
07:21Oh, no. I mean, eventually.
07:24It's a rather amusing misunderstanding, isn't it?
07:27No, I'm just out here resetting the dailies, yes.
07:30Actually, I'm glad I've seen you.
07:32The thing is, we're putting on a bit of a benefit concert at the Kingsway Hall, race funds for the elderly.
07:37And Mrs Meldrum was telling me that you've just started getting back into the old ventriloquism act.
07:43Well, yes, I used to do it years and years ago, but it wouldn't be up to performing standards.
07:48Not now.
07:50Well, I suppose.
07:52Of course, I know what you want me to do.
08:14I know. Left your torch.
08:18Left it on the windowsill in the kitchen.
08:24There you are, then. I'll expect you ten o'clock Friday.
08:27Get these sorted out.
08:29And I'll be back in a minute.
08:31I'll be back in a minute.
08:33I'll be back in a minute.
08:35I'll be back in a minute.
08:37I'll be back in a minute.
08:39I'll be back in a minute.
08:41Get these sorted out.
08:43And I won't be afraid any more, will I?
08:46Do you think the flower basket? I've got a delivery.
08:50Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought you were the security man come back.
08:54No, no.
08:56Is this 62 or 62A?
09:0062, yes.
09:02Ooh, carnations.
09:04Chrysanths.
09:06And freesias.
09:07Oh, she knows I love freesias.
09:10I know she wouldn't forget. Not on my 70th.
09:13It's my niece, Ruthie.
09:15She hasn't got a lot of time to write or pop round these days, but...
09:19Oh, and there's some roses in there as well, bless her.
09:23I think I've come to the wrong... Pardon?
09:28Wait, wait.
09:30Let me put them in some water for you.
09:32Oh, I say, that is sweet of you.
09:35Where are the baskets?
09:41Oh, find the stool.
09:43Just a sec. I'll put the light on.
09:47There. That's better.
09:50Er, it doesn't seem to have, er...
09:53It doesn't seem to be working.
09:55Oh, it's that fuse. It's gone again.
09:58I've got some wire in here somewhere.
10:02It's chilly in here as well, isn't it?
10:04There's a fan heater in the fireplace.
10:06Is there?
10:09Oh, er, yes, I see.
10:15Er, that's better, isn't it?
10:17Er, is your kitchen in here?
10:20I didn't hear you coming. I was just drying my hair.
10:23What on earth happened?
10:34I say, that's it.
10:36That's it. Fire lamp.
10:39You all right out there in the dark?
10:41Yes.
10:45Fine, thank you.
10:55Hello. Hi there. How you doing?
10:58Oh, good gracious.
11:00This is a surprise.
11:02It's, er...
11:04Patrick and Pippa.
11:07Right. Here we are then.
11:10Um...
11:12I'll just...
11:14I'll just put them down on the, um...
11:18Oh! On the desk.
11:21Is it on? Yes. Well done.
11:24Oh, look, I've knocked over all your dominoes. Oh, I'm sorry.
11:27Oh, don't worry. I'll pick them up later.
11:30There is... There's something you can do for me. Yes?
11:33Read a letter for me from my son, Mike.
11:36Lives in Australia. Don't he arrive this morning?
11:39Where did I put it? Ah, there it is.
11:42I've got a grandson out there and two great-grandchildren.
11:45Yes, Danny and Danny and little Tracy.
11:49I must start thinking of what I might get them for Christmas.
11:52Always try to get a little something off. Oh, right.
11:55Well, let's see what he's got to say then.
11:58It's ages since he wrote.
12:01I expect it's full of news. I expect it is.
12:07Oh, I know.
12:09His writing is terrible, isn't it?
12:11But, well, do the best you can, eh?
12:16Yes.
12:19Dear Dad,
12:21just a few lines to let you know that we all miss you
12:27and that we're all thinking of you,
12:30even though we're so far apart.
12:36The weather here...
12:39The weather here...
12:42The weather here...
12:46The weather here is wonderful
12:50and we just wish that you were here to share it with us.
13:02So, um, there we are.
13:07I'm sorry I missed off the ending, but Margaret's pretty sure it was Basil.
13:11I would have said it was Basil.
13:13I think that's what that leaf was in his hand.
13:16I think it was a clue left by the victim to let them know who'd murdered him.
13:21It's a bit tentative, isn't it?
13:23I mean, what if he missed and picked a bit of parsley instead?
13:26Would have hanged an innocent man.
13:28Who? I mean, would have been much better off slithering his way up to the conservatory,
13:32which is a good ten yards closer, and writing the name down on a piece of paper.
13:35Yes, but you don't think of things like that when you've just been shot in the stomach, do you?
13:43Oh, well, that'll be Margaret now.
13:46Sorry I'm late. I was talking to a poor old man who grew a bit tragically.
13:51Oh, hello.
13:52Look who suddenly turned up. Patrick and Pippa.
13:55Margaret.
13:56How are you?
13:57Fine, fine. How are you both?
13:59Well, not so bad. Exhausted, mainly.
14:02We were just telling Victor it took 12 hours to get here from Bath.
14:05M4 was choked solid.
14:08How are you settling in now? All right?
14:10Aye. Oh, fine.
14:13Still, things are coming round, by degrees.
14:18I won't be a sec.
14:26Now what?
14:28Well, who the hell are they?
14:31I haven't the faintest idea.
14:35You must have some idea. You let them in, didn't you?
14:38I've never clapped eyes on them.
14:41They suddenly turned up on the doorstep with three suitcases.
14:45I listened to them yapping on for two hours about cones and contraflows.
14:50Then I lost the will to live and put on a video.
14:53I thought you'd know who they were when you got back.
14:57Patrick and Pippa. Doesn't mean a thing.
15:00There must be relations.
15:02Now, I sneaked out after half an hour, went through all the photograph albums, the address books.
15:09The closest I got was Patsy and Peter, and they're both dead.
15:13In any case, they were your sister's goldfish.
15:18It's too ridiculous for words. I'm going to come straight out with it and ask them.
15:23You'll do nothing of the sort. Make us both look like a couple of halfwits.
15:27No, it'll come to us in a minute. It's bound to.
15:33Actually, Margaret, we were just saying that we're both a bit bushed.
15:36If it's all the same as usual, I'd like to get to bed.
15:39Oh, fine. That's all right.
15:41Is it?
15:43Yes, well, I'll take your suitcases upstairs.
15:46You can sleep in our bed and we'll make do with the sofa.
15:49In your bed?
15:51Yes. It's a perfectly good bed.
15:53They haven't got round to a spare yet.
15:56So, um, if you'll just follow me...
15:59And I'll get you some fresh soap, because I'm sure you could do with a bath, both of you.
16:03Actually, thank you. I think we'll just be off home now, won't we?
16:06Thanks very much for the tea and Poirot.
16:08Home? We wouldn't dream of turfing out at this hour. Give those back here.
16:12Well, no, it's just...
16:19Don't be ridiculous. We're hardly going to send you home at this hour.
16:23It's just that I think it's time that we left you in peace. It is way past 11.
16:26Look, just hand those back and don't be so obstinate, the pair of you.
16:29Victor, if they want to go, perhaps they should go.
16:32Thank you very much indeed.
16:35It's been lovely chatting to you both.
16:37Goodnight. Bye, Margaret.
16:39Bye. And goodnight.
16:46Oh, God!
16:50What? What is it?
16:53We have seen them before.
16:56I've remembered now.
16:58I've remembered where they come from.
17:01Where?
17:04Next door.
17:11Remember, we were moving in.
17:13They were just leaving, going off on a month's holiday to the West Country.
17:17And we just shouted hellos to each other and that was about it.
17:22Next door.
17:24Do you mean where the car drew up outside the work...
17:42There. That's that sorted out then.
17:45I think they could see the funny side of it once it was explained to them.
17:48They seem a very nice couple when you get to know them.
17:51Now, I've got to get back. What about that bikini, sir?
17:54With another one coming up, for God's sake, I look like a Sumatran rhinoceros.
17:58Well, at least you won't have to put a red nose on for your act this afternoon.
18:02Oh, that's the other thing.
18:04Pippa says she's not doing anything and she'll be glad to run you there and back
18:07so you don't have to ring for that taxi.
18:09Oh.
18:11I tell you who I will ring.
18:13That bloody video place has three times they promised to come now.
18:17I expect I'll get that usual bimbo on the showroom desk.
18:21Well, good luck with your concert. I'll see you later.
18:28Look.
18:30It's all bursting out the back here if you're not careful.
18:34Yeah, hello. This is Mr...
18:37Yes, it bloody well is me again and it's so likely to be.
18:41I'm telling you, one of these days you're going to push me too far.
18:45Right. Tomorrow.
18:47And as final, after that I'm finished with you.
18:52Well, we could try changing the head for a start.
18:55This one seems to have a mind of its own.
18:57I'm sick of bloody...
19:01Don't start crying.
19:05I'm sorry if I shouted.
19:07Right? I'm sorry.
19:10Right?
19:15Oh.
19:17I've just got a couple of things to pack and then I'll be right with you.
19:32Hello, Marty.
19:34Marty up there. Can you hear me properly?
19:37Oh, good. Right. Now, I just want you to run through those running order changes
19:41because I think it might affect your lighting cues.
19:45Right. Now, after Anthrax Attack have finished their set,
19:49we've moved the Kray sisters back,
19:51so it's now Des Hemmeridge and Maggie Mussolini.
19:54Right, yeah.
19:55Then comes Jerry Sadowitz, Jack the Lettuce,
19:58Who Killed Kathy Kirby and 666.
20:01Oh, yeah.
20:03And then we're back as before with Iggy Doonican,
20:06Coil and Cat, Orphanage Explosion and Victor Meldrew and Cuthbert.
20:10Which will be the cue out of the first half?
20:13Excuse me.
20:14One sec, Marty.
20:15Excuse me.
20:16Yes, Mr Meldrew.
20:17I was just wondering, is it possible for me to go on after someone else
20:20other than Orphanage Explosion?
20:22It just seems like a tricky act to follow.
20:25I suppose we could put you on later.
20:27But what say between Eraser Brain and Clive Antichrist?
20:30Eraser Brain?
20:32Look, to be honest, I feel a bit out of place.
20:35Could we just forget the whole thing at once?
20:37Don't be silly, Mr Meldrew. You'll be fine.
20:39I'm sure you'll be a big success.
20:41I mean, you've rehearsed it all and everything.
20:43You can't back out now.
20:44No.
20:47That's what worries me.
21:12Is there anybody in?
21:15Hello?
21:17It's Mrs Meldrew from the florist.
21:19I thought you might like these friezes.
21:21We had them left over from a big display.
21:26Are you at home?
21:28Michael, where did you come from?
21:30I don't know.
21:31I thought you were at home.
21:33I'm not at home.
21:34I'm not at home.
21:35I'm not at home.
21:36I'm not at home.
21:37I'm not at home.
21:38I'm not at home.
21:39I'm not at home.
21:41I've been in this business.
21:43What?
21:44What?
22:04Hello, Nick Sweeney.
22:06Yeah, hello, Sergeant. What's the problem?
22:10I don't know.
22:16Uh, yeah, yeah.
22:18No, Sergeant, thank you for letting me know.
22:20What's the, um...
22:21Yeah, I will, yeah.
22:23Bye-bye.
22:25Hello.
22:26I'm supposed to be picking up Mr Meldrew.
22:28I'm not sure if he's ready yet.
22:30He'll be off in a second.
22:32Sorry, I've, um...
22:34I've just had a piece of terrible news.
22:38One of the old people we go and visit,
22:40an old blind chap, he's, uh...
22:42He's been murdered.
22:44Oh, my goodness.
22:46Whenever was this?
22:47This afternoon.
22:49He was found... It could have been any time.
22:52Old flat had been ransacked, poor bloke.
22:55God, they can't be right in the head.
22:57Just found him there on the floor, strangled.
23:00Lying there with a domino clutched in his hand.
23:03A domino?
23:04Yeah, he could play dominoes.
23:06It's a special set with raised spots.
23:09A domino?
23:11They didn't say which number.
23:14Yeah, he did, as a matter of fact.
23:16He said it was a, um...
23:18A double one.
23:19Don't suppose it means anything.
23:21Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'll...
23:27Double one.
23:29Two spots.
23:37Oh, no.
23:39Have you been waiting long?
23:44Right, there we are.
23:49Are you all right?
23:51You looked a bit edgy in the car.
23:53I expected, like, a nice cup of tea.
23:56Did you hear me?
23:57Hmm?
23:58I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
24:00I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
24:02I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
24:04I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
24:05I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were talking to me.
24:09No, no, it's all right.
24:11I'll be getting on.
24:13Right, well, before you go,
24:16could you take him for me?
24:18And then I can...
24:19That's it.
24:21That's right.
24:22He goes in the downstairs toilet.
24:24Does he?
24:25Yes.
24:26Yes, if you wouldn't mind.
24:27Thanks very much.
24:28And if you could be quick, please,
24:30cos I think he's bursting.
24:31Bursting?
24:32Oh, right.
24:36Victor, I have to go.
24:39I've had a terrible day.
25:01There we are.
25:03All right, see you around, then.
25:12So, anyway, I just wanted to thank you
25:14for your contribution to the show, Mr Mulger,
25:16and at least we can use some of the money
25:18to give old Albert a proper funeral.
25:20Hmm.
25:21For what?
25:22A few pounds left over from his pension.
25:25That's what his life was worth in the end.
25:27Well, the irony of it is
25:29he had just over 100 or so in the post office.
25:31He was just about to use it to have all new locks fitted,
25:34getting everything properly secured.
25:36Now, if he'd done that on Friday morning as planned,
25:38he might be alive today.
25:40That's right.
25:41He said about that.
25:42Why on earth didn't they come?
25:43Apparently, he just cancelled it at the last minute.
25:45He said he needed the money for something else.
25:48Well, I mean, what to make an old man like that
25:51suddenly part with all the money he's got in the world?
26:01MUSIC SWELLS
26:31MUSIC FADES