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  • 4 months ago
First broadcast 8th December 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Alan Carr
Alex Zane
Joan Rivers
David Gest

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, Housewives' favorite, Alan Carr, The Jungle VIP, David
00:29Guest, and their captain, Sean Locke. And facing them tonight, the Queen of Comedy,
00:36Joan Rivers, the Prince of Pop World, Alex Zane, and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now,
00:46welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:54Well, thanks very much. Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion
00:58polls, surveys, and statistics. Did you know, for example, David Beckham is the only English
01:03player to have scored in three World Cups, with two personal assistants and a hairdresser.
01:09The largest consumer of fortune cookies in Europe is Greece. Tomorrow, you will eat hummus
01:13and have a hairy wife. And, inbreeding causes three out of every ten Dalmatian dogs to go
01:22deaf, in Disney's bleakest ever Christmas film. Let's get started.
01:34What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a
01:38leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've
01:41been discussing this week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five
01:44most popular talking points. Dave, Joan, Alex, what have the nation been talking about this
01:48week? I think it's this great story that the NHS are going to offer dance lessons to
01:52fatties, basically, to help them with the obesity crisis. But the only way you're going
01:56to get fat people on the dance floor, I think, is by making the announcement, the buffet
02:00is now open. Just because the dance floor there. It's another government gimmick, isn't
02:05it? It must be awful to see and hear a fat person dance. I've not been over, but you
02:10know, like that. Well, that's the shoes on. It's going to be a slow process. I've sent
02:20people talking about fatties like this. I belong to Overeaters Anonymous. Really? Yes,
02:26this is the truth. And it's very, a lot of you here are thin, but it is very, very sad
02:33because we all sit there and the women cry, cry and they go, no one loves me. And I always
02:39say, yes, yes, your butcher loves you. Your baker loves you. And one woman, I mean, last
02:45week, right before I came over here, she was saying things like, I went on an airplane
02:49and she was sobbing. And she said, and they made me buy two seats. And she just cried.
02:55And then I said, yes, but now you can have two meals. And she perked up. If we want to
03:03be fat, goddammit, we can be fat. That's the way it goes. David, do you, do you dance?
03:09No, I have a, I have a cousin. You have a cousin? Yeah. I have a cousin. Good answer.
03:16I have a cousin, 279 pounds. 279 pounds. Started ballroom dancing, Fred Astaire studio, met
03:23this lovely woman, five months, lost a hundred pounds, got syphilis and died. If that's not
03:33being made into a musical, alright. I'm too fond of dancing, too, literally. Okay, well,
03:41let's have a look and see whether fatty dance classes is one of the top five most talked
03:45about things this week. Yes, it is. Oh, just correct. Yes, it was. Oh, just correct. Alright,
03:51that's good. Sean, David, Aaron, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:55I imagine a lot of people are quite upset about England losing the Ashes. Well, I mean,
03:59virtually losing, losing the second test. And I think it's stupid, really, because what
04:03we invented the game, we should just change the rules to suit us. So in that match, we
04:07should have said, ah, ah, yeah, we've just made this new rule up. If we have tomato soup,
04:11our score wins. Just stuff like that, just make up rules. If it's cloudy, ah, no, you
04:17can't lose on a cloudy day. Just say anything. Make the score up, you can do what you want.
04:22You're not wearing the right pants, we win. My dad tried to get me, he's always trying
04:28to get me sporting, he tried to get me interested in cricket, right, and I hate cricket, it's
04:32so boring. He told me that the Ashes, yeah, were Ellen Daniels from Neighbours. Obviously
04:40a spark of interest there. And I was like, Ellen Daniels, you say? I was hooked. Joan,
04:47have you ever seen a cricket match? I hate sports. You hate sports? I go to tennis matches,
04:52I don't even turn my head, you know. The ball doesn't come back, that idiot missed it. I
04:56mean, you know. I don't like sports. Yeah. I don't like sport either. Really? Yeah. Because
05:03you look like quite a sporty... Have you not been... You work out though, right? Yeah,
05:09of course. In indie clubs. Are you a big cricket fan, David? Are you aware of cricket? No,
05:16more baseball. More baseball. Have you heard of cricket? Of course. He forgets I was in
05:21the Outback and I just was with all these crickets all over there. Yeah. You knew Fina,
05:26right? Well, I didn't actually watch, I meant to watch it, but at the last minute I fell
05:32pregnant. So it's been quite a few crazy weeks for me as well, so it turns out it's
05:39a scare. What did she do? What did Fina do? She stole all the food. She stole all the
05:45food? Yeah. Really? She ate a few crickets too. Did she? Yeah. People have to eat testicles,
05:49don't they? No, it's an anus. Matt ate an anus. Someone had to eat an anus. Oh, Matt
05:54ate an anus. Matt ate an anus? Yes. I thought you said a marinated anus. No. Nothing to
06:01marinate there. What, do you eat it like a hula hoop like that? On I'm a Celebrity,
06:13you claimed your maid's name was Vagina Kaseeman. Is that true? Yes. Is she real? She's real.
06:19Are you sure she's real? I'm positive she's as real as this set is real. Her mother, and
06:27this is the truth, her mother loved her body part so much, she said if she had a girl,
06:33she was going to name it Vagina Kaseeman. Then, no this is true, no bull, then she married
06:39a guy named Harry Seaman. Harry Seaman. She became Vagina Kaseeman. What's her middle
06:46name? I have no idea. She hasn't got a middle name, especially she doesn't need one really.
06:50Especially when she tells her name, she's probably just wiping the drink they've just
06:54spat in her face. Let's get back to the Ashes. Shall we have a look and see whether the Ashes
07:01is one of the most talked about things this week? Incredibly, it's the second most talked
07:05about thing. The Ashes is a best of five, although England have controversially opted
07:12to play worst of three. Back over to you Dave. What else have the nation been talking about
07:18this week? John reckons it's Christmas now. Christmas and the politically correctness
07:22of Christmas. Oh yeah. Where they're doing the Queen's Speech and that makes sense to
07:27me, and they're having a Muslim lady do it. On Channel 4 yeah? Yeah. It's the alternative
07:32Queen's Speech is being done by a Muslim lady in a veil. They could have gone half way,
07:36I mean she's a fundamentalist Muslim, she wears the hijab, whatever, the niqab, whatever
07:39she covers. She could have actually really dressed up as Father Christmas with a big
07:44I'm going ho ho ho. They could have gone half way. The Muslim lady? Yes. I'm the one that
07:54sold her the veil from my New York website. Your New York website? Yeah, I sell veils.
08:00You sell veils? Yeah. Of course you do. What's the website called again? Veils for Muslim
08:09women who want to speak in England. Oh that website. That website. Dot com. Dot com. But
08:18it's all crazy. The internet now, they had the best day ever. Yeah indeed, the best online
08:23day. 182 million dollars in one day in internet sales and they looked it up and it was Mel
08:29Gibson buying Nazi memorabilia. And I thought that was fascinating. I like online shopping
08:35because you know like when you're looking, if you get bored you can just go to some porn,
08:39fill it, perks you up and then you carry on shopping. Now I wish it was like that, normal
08:46shopping. Do you know what I mean? Like you'd go round the Trafford Centre, bored, someone
08:49shows you a cock, you're like right now. Auntie Janice. That probably does happen.
08:57I just think it's so great. Everything gets decorated and it's pretty. And I'm Jewish
09:06and even I have a Christmas tree and I have a nativity scene, I have Jesus and Mary and
09:10the baby but I'm Jewish so we have a nanny. But it's just fabulous. And I dressed Mary
09:17better. Of course you did. I put her in a nice Chanel suit and I gave her an Hermes
09:22bag. You're the mother of God, look. And I just made her look good. Shall we have a
09:28look and see if Christmas is one of the most talked about things this week? Of course it
09:32is. The most talked about thing this week. If you follow a light in the sky in the Middle
09:38East these days you'll end up tracking a Scud missile into a Palestinian hospital. The
09:43true meaning of Christmas. Right, over to you Sean. What else have the nation been talking
09:48about this week? Is it the moon? Is it the moon? They're going to build a permanent base
09:54on the moon. It's going to take ten billion dollars, isn't it, to get people up to the
09:59moon. And you just know that if you go on the internet, EasyJet are doing it for £17.50.
10:04One way, no hand luggage. And Stellius going, it's out of this world. You just know. Joan
10:11Rivers, do you think Americans should be spending this kind of money going to the moon? I think
10:15to spend ten billion dollars to go to the moon is disgusting. They should spend it on
10:21something important like jewellery. You could get three really nice pieces of my jewellery
10:27on QVC. What would you rather have? A great ring or some stupid trip to the moon? Who
10:35gives a fuck? I couldn't care less. Twinkle twinkle or twinkle twinkle? Twinkle twinkle.
10:41If they find oil on the moon, though, that's another thing. Yeah, that would be a hell
10:45of a pipeline, wouldn't it? Yeah, how are they going to get it back? It might just fall
10:48down onto Earth, wouldn't it? Aren't they going to build some sort of cosmic escalator?
10:52So it's sport and science you're no good at? Yeah, they were. They were, seriously, weren't
10:59they? But they can't get through. Yeah, not into science, am I? They can't get through
11:04the Van Allen belts. There's too much radiation. Belts of radiation above the Earth's surface.
11:08That's why the cosmic elevator's going to fail. In your face! That sounds like a boy
11:15that fancied his science teacher. Yeah, that could be science or it could be the lyrics
11:22from some indie band as well, couldn't it? Well, let's have a look and see if it's up
11:26there. Oh, it is. Yes, it is. Right, fingers on buzzers. One more thing to get. What else
11:34have the nation been talking about? Submarines. Whoa! Well, they want to spend 20 billion
11:42pounds on submarines full of missiles. That's it. The missile's going to be outdated by
11:472024. How do you know if a missile's gone off or something? Gone off? The bloody big
11:53bang goes off. You're implying it was like milk and you go... You just farted. No, it's
12:01this scud. The point is, we never use any of these missiles. They're never used. They're
12:07a deterrent, aren't they? It's a shame, really. People make these amazing, amazing missiles
12:13and nobody ever bothers to use them. It must be very frustrating if you do make missiles
12:18and you just go, why do I bloody bother? These amazing... Can wipe out half the population
12:25and nobody ever bloody uses them. Spent years making this. Have you thought of moving to
12:31North Korea? 20 billion for the stupid moon thing and 10 billion for this stupid thing.
12:39Such a waste of money. Well, if they took all that money, everyone would have a tiara.
12:43Imagine that. Oh, I'm for that. No, that's great. I'd rather go with the nuclear weapons.
12:47Enough people think I'm gay. Without a fucking tiara. Jesus. Without a fucking tiara? Yeah.
12:55How often has tiara been prefixed with fucking? You're wearing my fucking tiara. I fucking
13:02saw you. I put my fucking tiara back in the fucking box.
13:06Well, let's see if Trident is up there. Yes, it is. This is the news that the government
13:17is spending 20 billion pounds on replacing Trident. 20 billion pounds seems like a lot
13:22of money to spend, but it is only 10 pence for every person they're going to kill. Well,
13:26at the end of that, I can tell you Sean's team have two points and Dave's team have
13:29three points. The next round is called the poll with a hole. Dave, Joan and Alex, here
13:35is your first question. 40% of couples in counselling say what is a problem? Viagra.
13:41These old guys that take Viagra. And it's good for 36 hours. You have any orgasms you
13:49have to fake? I imagine there's a certain amount of chafing involved as well. Chafing?
13:54Chafing? Those poor old dry ladies, they'd set them on fire. That's a painful image,
14:05isn't it? I imagine Sting would quite like it though. He does 15 hours with his tantric
14:10sex. Is that what he says? Even a terrific swordsman, after six hours... Swordsman?
14:19Where are you from? The 17th century? Yes. Snoring? Oh, you can talk. Oh, brilliant.
14:30You snore in the most monumental way, my friend. Thank you very much. I should explain to
14:34the viewers that David and Dave are having an affair. Is it hurt not locking the bathroom
14:41door when she goes to the toilet? They go and sit on the toilet and just leave the door
14:44open and she walks in and goes, oh. But what about men that leave the toilet seat up and
14:49they go all over? You know, you've got a pointer and it's a lit room, for God's sake. A woman
14:55I could understand if we were staying up in the penis because you'd be looking around,
14:59oh, I'd redecorate, you know. I'll give you a clue, it's to do with computers. Watching
15:05porn on the computer. That's the correct answer. Well done, Jen Rivers, yeah. Yes, 40% of
15:11couples in counselling say internet pornography is a problem. I think they should change the
15:14internet's name to The Pornography. I was on The Pornography the other day and do you
15:18know what? You can buy train tickets on it. Brilliant. 3% of Brits would like Tom Cruise
15:23to what? Come out of the closet. Just a joke. And he wouldn't come out of the closet anyhow,
15:32he's short, he'd come out of a cabinet. So it's just a joke. Have you met Tom Cruise?
15:38I produced a salute to him. You produced a salute to him? He was honoured, Jimmy Stewart
15:42was honoured and Gene Kelly, it was a great evening. In fact, Miss Rivers was there with
15:47her good friend Roddy McDowall. That's right. They're all dead now. They're all dead. All
15:53dead. That must have been the catering then, was it? Have you met Tom Cruise a few times
15:59then? I think he's here, yes. He's lovely, he's very charming. What do you think 3% of
16:06Brits would like Tom Cruise to do? Make Rain Man 2 The Revenge. I would so love that. What
16:16happens in Rain Man? In Rain Man, he's got an autistic brother and he counts matches,
16:21that's the only important bit. Maybe it turns out in the sequel, turns out it's just luck,
16:25every time it's 74, nobody bothers to count them. It's just a chance, he's not autistic,
16:32he's taking the piss. Yeah, these autistic people, they've had it too easy too long.
16:38No, I didn't say that. We're talking about the film. I have two cousins who are autistic.
16:48What are they called, Danny? Some weird name like Clitty. Clitty and Anus, yes. He got
16:55their names right, it's Clitty and Anus. It just came to me, Clitty. I found it. It's
17:03time for everything before you pipe up. I'm going to tell you, 3% of Brits would like
17:11Tom Cruise to play them in a film about their life. That's a nice way of saying 3% of Brits
17:15are teeny tiny weirdos. So at the end of that round, Sean, David and Alan have two points,
17:21Dave, Joan and Alex have four points. Join us after the break where we'll find out what's
17:28the worst way to be woken up.
17:41Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats. The next round is called Believe It Or Not. So let's
17:45have a look at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
18:15That was the American 80s teen movie Teen Witch.
18:44I thought it was some kind of like public information film about twats.
18:49Like warning you about there are twats around and this is what they look like.
18:53He's wearing the same outfit as me.
18:58Yes, there are twats in our area.
19:01There you see it.
19:03Here is your related statistic. 34% of adults would rather be a teenager again than win
19:08the lottery. Do you think that's true or false?
19:10Well, I know I would never want to win the lottery. I think it's a curse to win a lottery.
19:14Right? Why?
19:15Well, it depends when you win it, but if you say you win it when you're in your 40s or 50s,
19:18it means, that means that everything you've done in your life, all the work, any training,
19:23any skills was completely pointless.
19:28I'd feel like an idiot if I won the lottery.
19:30Do you have the brain you have now as a teenager or do you revert to your teenage brain?
19:36How would that make any difference to you?
19:38Well...
19:44You look all sulky.
19:45I'm sulky now.
19:46I just want, you know, I want a bit of, you know, tension.
19:52Too much happens when you're a teenager.
19:54Too confusing.
19:55I got the first date, the first kiss, the first sex, the first drugs. I mean, that was an afternoon.
19:59I mean, it just was too fast.
20:02But I have a cousin...
20:06...who won the lottery.
20:07What's her name?
20:10I think her name's Veruca Sestitis, if I'm not mistaken.
20:14Come on, tell us about taramosalata herpes. Come on.
20:17Why am I on this show?
20:20I have literally no idea.
20:22I mean, do I?
20:23Tell us about your cousin.
20:25Two million dollars.
20:26Won two million dollars on the lottery.
20:28Had a heart attack. Right there on the spot.
20:31Well, would you rather be a teenager or have a heart attack?
20:37Well, I think I'll go for the teenager thing.
20:40Hello.
20:50I once convinced my friends when I was a teenager that I'd bought a hoverboard in the U.S. from Back to the Future 2.
20:57David probably sells them on a website.
21:00I'm pretty sure he does. I'll check.
21:06I think this show's turned into Call My Bluff this week.
21:10You go back and be a teenage girl. That's what I'd like to be.
21:13A Mexican teenage girl called Bernard.
21:16Hasn't got legs. She's got wheels.
21:18A hovering Mexican teenage girl called Bernard.
21:21Who's got no legs.
21:22My father only has one leg and my mother only has one leg. It's the truth.
21:25Really? Yeah.
21:27But one has a left leg and one has a right leg.
21:30Right.
21:32I suppose I've just got one big belt.
21:4334% of adults would rather be a teenager again than win the lottery. True or false?
21:47I think it's higher. So it's false.
21:50Dave Steen, what are you guessing?
21:51We said true.
21:52Okay. I can tell you the answer is false.
21:56Very good.
21:58Very good.
21:59So at the end of that round it's three points for Sean's team and four points for Dave's team.
22:06And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
22:08Here is your first one. Worst way to be woken up.
22:12With an erection.
22:15In your back.
22:22Oh, the sound of peeping Tom vomiting.
22:26David, any thoughts? What's the worst way you've been woken up?
22:30Was it by a cousin?
22:34Um, Westlife waking you up thinking that you were actually in a coma.
22:40Oh, no.
22:43Is it a woman demanding money in Pidgin English?
22:48The sound of waves crashing against your plane windows.
22:51The sound of waves crashing against your plane windows.
22:55It does involve water.
22:57Just being in the womb.
22:58Water on your face.
22:59Water on your face is the right answer.
23:02Yes, the worst way to be woken up is having water thrown on you.
23:05Well, surely the worst way to be woken up is Kerry Katona shaking a stick at your face and saying, it's blue.
23:14Top celebrity to have a night out with.
23:17Kate Moss, because whenever you're with her it's a white Christmas.
23:21Rosie and Jim.
23:25Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim.
23:28What are you doing watching that?
23:30Just before Loose Women.
23:31Just before Loose Women.
23:34I'd like to take Loose Women out with me on a night out.
23:38Well, wouldn't we all?
23:41Joan, I imagine you've had some stunning nights out.
23:43One of my great nights was with George Michael.
23:46And we got to see the Hyde Park Men's Room at four in the morning.
23:53Did you come across any police officers?
23:57It's a she.
23:58Angelina Jolie.
24:00No, you'd want a night in, wouldn't you?
24:04You're right.
24:05Charlotte Church.
24:06Correct answer. Well done, Sean.
24:07Bottom of the list of celebrities to go on a night out with is Dodi Al-Fayed.
24:14Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
24:16Which means the final scores are.
24:17Sean, David and Alan have four points.
24:19But tonight's winners are Dave, Joan and Alex with five points.
24:26Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
24:29Join us next week for a special show from the BBC.
24:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
24:35Join us next week for a special show featuring all the best bits from the current series.
24:39See you then. Good night.
25:02.