Frasier Season 10 Episode 10 We Two Kings
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00:00Ross, can I join you?
00:01Sure, uh...
00:02May I have a latte to go, please?
00:04And I...
00:05I hope they're paying you extra to wear that.
00:08No.
00:09But I was hoping it would help with my tips.
00:11Ah! Well, as you know, my tipping policy stands firmly
00:14on the twin pillars of courtesy and efficiency.
00:19But today, I shall include...
00:21whimsy.
00:22Merry Christmas.
00:24God bless you, sir.
00:26Well...
00:30I'm really surprised, Frazier.
00:32I didn't think you'd go for something kitschy like that.
00:35At Christmastime, I say let a thousand antlers bloom.
00:38Oh, well...
00:40What a relief.
00:42Ho, ho, ho, ho, Ross.
00:45I'm working Santa's toy drive at the mall.
00:48I'm an elf.
00:49Ross, if you needed extra cash, you should have come to me.
00:52I've got plenty of odd jobs around the house.
00:55It's not about money.
00:57I'm volunteering.
00:59Oh, oh, well, good for you.
01:02Yeah, I mean, visiting Santa Claus at the department store
01:05was one of my favorite memories as a kid.
01:07I always found him terrifying.
01:10And inquisitorial.
01:15When I was seven,
01:17my mom and dad took me to the mall to see Santa.
01:21And they were going through their divorce at the time,
01:24so they were barely talking.
01:26Anyway, when I sat down on Santa's lap,
01:30I started to cry.
01:32And he was just so nice.
01:36He made me feel safe and protected.
01:39I don't know, he just made me feel special.
01:42So if I could do that for just one little kid, you know,
01:45I'd like to do that.
01:48I'm sorry I laughed at you, Ross.
01:50You should be very proud of yourself.
01:54I better go before I'm late.
01:56Oh, right, you know what? I'm going, too.
01:58I'll walk with you.
02:05Actually, Ross...
02:08Why don't you just go ahead?
02:10I'm going to get myself a scone.
02:18Oh, hi, guys. Good to see you.
02:21Hi, Jim. Hey.
02:23We were hoping to borrow your wassail bowl.
02:25Oh, I'm sorry, Nas.
02:27I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson
02:29and his madrigal caroling group.
02:32Well, you can kiss that bowl goodbye.
02:35Fraser, the Yuletones are the bad boys
02:37of Renaissance Christmas music.
02:42Have you ever seen a church common room
02:44after one of their performances?
02:46Why don't you just use the punch bowl?
02:48Well, because then it wouldn't be wassail, it'd be punch.
02:50What's the difference?
02:52Dad used to say that punch makes you want to kiss the donkey
02:54in the manger scene
02:56and wassail makes you want to check it in to the inn.
03:01That's very funny.
03:03Listen, Daphne, I was just wondering,
03:05is your mom partial to a traditional cornwall dressing?
03:09You see, I'm thinking it would go splendidly
03:12with the 12-pound Hungarian goose that I'm serving.
03:16Mom is spending Christmas on a cruise,
03:19an early Christmas present from Niles.
03:23I didn't think she'd go for it,
03:25but apparently in international waters
03:27they can play single-deck blackjack.
03:29Oh!
03:31Actually, Fraser, Daphne and I
03:34would like to have you over
03:36to our place for Christmas this year.
03:38Yeah, we just put up our tree and everything looks so lovely
03:41and it is our first Christmas as a married couple.
03:44Well, as lovely as that sounds...
03:47Oh, come on, why not?
03:49Well, Niles, because it's a little late
03:52to be changing things, isn't it?
03:54Besides, we've always had Christmas here.
03:56It's a tradition.
03:57Wussle.
03:59A Christmas punch.
04:04Fraser, you've had Christmas for the past nine years.
04:07Yes, but we agreed when you hosted Thanksgiving
04:09that we would have Christmas here
04:11in its traditional setting.
04:13Well, maybe it's time to start a new tradition.
04:15But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone.
04:18Now, there, you see?
04:19It made me spoil the surprise.
04:21And did no one hear me say
04:23that I have ordered an Hungarian goose?
04:29Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.
04:32It's not my date, it's dinner!
04:38Honestly, Niles, I'm really quite affronted by this.
04:42If it means this much to him,
04:44why don't we just let him keep it?
04:46No, no.
04:47There is no reason why just this once
04:49we can't host Christmas at the Montana.
04:51Fraser's just being a churl.
04:53You're the churl.
04:54You're both a couple of churls.
04:57How about a compromise?
04:59Say, morning at one house, afternoon at the other.
05:02Well, that's a wonderful idea.
05:04But who gets morning and who gets afternoon?
05:07Morning!
05:08I think Niles said it first.
05:11Dad, who do you think said it first?
05:13I'm sick of everything being a contest between you two.
05:16All right, then.
05:17Dad, you decide what we're having Christmas.
05:19I'm fine with that.
05:20All right, I will.
05:22Need a few days to think about it.
05:25In the meantime, decision-making is thirsty work.
05:29Sure could use a beer.
05:31I'll get it.
05:32No!
05:33No, I'll get it!
05:34Will you stop?
05:35No, I'll get it!
05:36Will you stop?
05:39Little trick their mom taught me.
05:45Don't worry, Margie.
05:47You don't need a chimney.
05:49Santa always finds a way in.
05:52You have a merry Christmas now.
05:54Thank you, Santa.
05:58Ross, hello.
05:59Oh, hi, Fraser.
06:01Listen, when I'm at the North Pole, my name is Snowflake.
06:05It's a little on the nose, isn't it?
06:08Anyway, here.
06:09I was in the mall.
06:10I thought I'd drop off a donation for the toy drive.
06:12Thank you very much.
06:13Is this for us, too?
06:15Uh, no, no.
06:16Actually, this is another dancing Santa for Dad.
06:19His other one got damaged.
06:21I thought you threw that thing off the balcony.
06:24Yes, which damaged it.
06:28Ho, ho, ho!
06:31Well, Polly, what would you like Santa to bring you?
06:35He wouldn't have to bring me anything.
06:37Just show up.
06:38Back off, Twinkle.
06:39I saw him first.
06:42What's this?
06:43Do I sense a little office romance here at Santa's workshop?
06:48I wouldn't mind.
06:50His name is Rick.
06:52And he's so sweet.
06:54Let me guess.
06:55He's also a hunk.
06:56Well, I wouldn't know.
06:57I haven't seen him without a Santa get-up yet.
06:59Look around those eyes.
07:01There's definite potential.
07:04Ho, ho, ho!
07:06Santa needs his favorite helper elf.
07:09Ooh, see that?
07:10I'm his favorite.
07:12Down, Snowflake.
07:13I've got this one.
07:15Okay, Twinkle.
07:16You go ahead.
07:17Oh, no.
07:18Is that a zit?
07:26Oh, Snowflake.
07:29Hi.
07:30I just got back from the costume shop.
07:32I had to get my toes re-curled.
07:34Ah, yes.
07:35This reminds me.
07:37How are things with Mr. Claus?
07:40Oh, well, I haven't had a chance to ask him out yet.
07:43What's the matter?
07:44Low elf-esteem?
07:50How long have you been waiting to say that?
07:52Two days.
07:54I almost called you.
07:58What's this?
07:59Niles with Dad.
08:01I knew it.
08:03Oh, you guys aren't still fighting about Christmas.
08:07He's fighting.
08:08I'm not fighting.
08:09Well, what is the big deal?
08:11Why don't you let him have Christmas?
08:13Because it's just so unfair.
08:15What's not fair?
08:17Oh, you wouldn't understand.
08:19Well, come on, Frazier.
08:21Talk to me.
08:22Use your words.
08:26It's just so egregious.
08:30Smaller words.
08:34I don't know.
08:37Okay, look.
08:39It just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home.
08:43We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there.
08:46Gone.
08:47Daphne.
08:48Gone.
08:49If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left.
08:54Just end up some doddering old bachelor
08:59sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy 78 degrees.
09:06And how is that different from now?
09:12Excuse me.
09:14I smell skullduggery afoot.
09:20Hey, Dad.
09:21Hey, Dad.
09:22Hey, Frazier.
09:23New thermos?
09:25Niles, I never thought you'd stoop so low.
09:29I have no idea what you're talking about.
09:31I was just buying Dad some coffee before driving him to work.
09:34You are trying to bribe Dad to have Christmas at your place.
09:38And what about you buying him the Denson Santa,
09:41a surprising gift considering you threw his last one off the balcony?
09:46You did what?
09:48Santa never did anything to hurt you.
09:51All he ever did was dance and try to make people happy.
09:55Yes, yes.
09:56All right, Dad.
09:57Why'd you do that?
09:58All right.
10:01Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
10:03Excuse me, Niles, but I've got news for you.
10:06Copernicus called, and you are not the center of the universe.
10:12All right, you two, knock it off.
10:15Let's just settle this now.
10:17Dad, make your decision.
10:20You know, I'm really disappointed in you guys.
10:23I thought if I gave you a little time, you'd be mature enough to work this out on your own.
10:28Well, you were wrong.
10:31All right, you know what?
10:32I just made my decision.
10:34I'm working Christmas.
10:36Jimmy Daly asked me to take his shift,
10:38and I'm going to do it because he'll be happier with his family than I am with mine.
10:41Oh, Dad, you can't be serious.
10:43We'll just calm down and discuss this rationally.
10:46It's too late, and you don't need to drive me to work.
10:49I'll call a cab.
10:51I hope you two are happy.
10:53You've ruined Christmas.
10:56What a jerk.
10:58What a jerk.
11:00What a jerk.
11:02Nice.
11:12Dad, Naz and I would like to apologize.
11:16It was untoward of us to argue over where to have Christmas.
11:21Our conduct was self-absorbed and boorish.
11:26Not that we deserve it, but please accept our apologies.
11:32Apologies accepted.
11:34Thank you, Dad.
11:35So you'll have Christmas with us?
11:37Oh, I'm afraid I can't.
11:38I promised Jimmy I'd work, and I can't go back on it.
11:41When do you start?
11:436 a.m., 12-hour shift.
11:45It's double time, so I'm not complaining.
11:47No, that's the whole day.
11:49Marty, I need you to let maintenance into the electrical closet on 7.
11:54Will do.
11:56See you boys later.
11:58Bye, Dad.
12:03Why?
12:06Christmas without Dad?
12:09It just won't be...
12:12Christmas.
12:14I know.
12:16He's always the first one under the tree.
12:19Mom always said that he was her biggest kid because he could never wait to open his presents.
12:26He always puts on a brave face, but I know he especially misses Mom at Christmas.
12:34Niles, where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes?
12:42The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002?
12:45No, no, what I'm saying is, since Dad has to work, why can't we bring the holiday to him?
12:52You mean, just show up and surprise him?
12:56I like that.
12:58We could bring all their gifts and food.
13:00Or better yet, what if the gifts were already here?
13:05But...
13:07Here's what I'm thinking about.
13:10Take the gifts that are here, put them under the tree at my house,
13:16the real gifts, and bring them here, all unbeknownst to Dad.
13:22Brilliant!
13:24Can't you just see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning?
13:27Hello, Dad!
13:29Merry Christmas!
13:31Oh, it's such a shame that you have to spend Christmas...
13:34Hello?
13:36What's this, I spy?
13:39A present?
13:41For Martin?
13:43That's not for me, those are fake!
13:45Well, here's another one!
13:49And one for Niles!
13:52And one for Daphne!
13:55Oh, jeez, it's a miracle!
13:58Oh, Niles!
14:00It'll be the best Christmas we ever had!
14:02Look, I'm getting goosebumps!
14:04Oh, no, Niles, that's your pine rash, you're too close to the tree.
14:09Hey!
14:11Hi, Roz!
14:14It's me, Rick.
14:16Oh, my God, Rick!
14:18I didn't even recognize you!
14:21Roz and I volunteered down at the mall together.
14:23Rick plays Santa.
14:25Daphne, this is Rick.
14:26Rick, Daphne.
14:28Oh, Roz has told me all about you.
14:30Would you like to join us?
14:32I'd love to, but I have to get back to my day job.
14:35Oh, what do you do?
14:37I'm an investment banker.
14:39Could you excuse me for one second?
14:41Wow, Roz!
14:43You never told me he was so gorgeous.
14:45Oh, I've never seen him out of his costume before.
14:48He's successful and he's got great taste.
14:51Those shoes? Enrico Zaglioni's.
14:56Niles is teaching me.
15:02Very nice to meet you, Daphne.
15:04I'll see you tonight, Roz?
15:06Maybe we can take a break together.
15:08I snuck a bottle of schnapps into my locker.
15:11Yeah, maybe.
15:14Something wrong? You don't like schnapps?
15:17No, no, it's just so strange to see you without your beard.
15:21You really should grow one.
15:23It'll make your eyes twinkle.
15:25Ah, I tried once.
15:28It kind of came in in tufts.
15:30I looked like a dog on Rogaine.
15:39What was that?
15:41I laugh.
15:43That's your laugh?
15:44Yeah.
15:46Wow, at the mall, it's so booming.
15:48I know, I hate that.
15:50It really kills my throat.
15:52Very nice to meet you.
15:54Bye-bye.
15:55I'll see you later.
15:56Bye.
15:58Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect.
16:02I don't know.
16:04It just wasn't what I was expecting.
16:06Something's missing.
16:08Like what?
16:09I don't know.
16:11Well, at the mall, he has all this warmth,
16:14and he's got this jolly sense of humor.
16:18Oh, you should see him when he laughs.
16:20His whole stomach shakes.
16:22Oh, my God.
16:24You're in love with Santa Claus.
16:29No, I'm not.
16:30Well, it makes sense when you think about it.
16:33Santa's the perfect man.
16:35He's a good listener. He likes to travel.
16:38He gives great presents.
16:41Give me a break.
16:43Admit it. You want the jelly belly.
16:48Okay, don't be gross.
16:50You want to bang boots with the big boy.
16:55I've got to get to work.
16:57You want to get your paws on the clauses more like it.
17:01Stop it, Daphne. It's enough.
17:04One more.
17:05You're a ho-ho-ho.
17:20Daph!
17:21What are you doing still sitting there?
17:23I told you 10 minutes ago
17:24that we were going out for some Christmas Eve ice cream.
17:26Oh, I changed my mind.
17:28Eddie and I are too bloated from the nog.
17:32Well, then, maybe we should take Eddie and walk it off.
17:36Come on, mister, let's go.
17:37Oh, there's gonna be a burly tomorrow morning for work.
17:40I could show you something to nibble on, though.
17:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:46Wait, stop pushing, stop pushing.
17:50Dad's still here. I couldn't get rid of him.
17:52You'll have to come back in an hour.
17:54No, no, no, we can't do that.
17:55The maintenance man in Dad's building was so nervous
17:57about us taking these out of the lobby,
17:59I promised him we'd have our real gifts
18:01back under his tree by 10 o'clock.
18:03All right, what we need is a really good distraction.
18:06I'll tell you what.
18:07Knock when you've thought of one.
18:12What were you doing out there?
18:14Nothing.
18:17Thought I heard the door knock.
18:22Hey, that's pretty good.
18:28Oh, hello, guys.
18:29Dad, look who it is.
18:31It's Niles and Daphne.
18:33I see them.
18:36So what brings you two here?
18:37Good question, Fraser. Daphne?
18:40I need your father's help with a present,
18:42and that's what we're doing here.
18:43Exactly, Jess.
18:46Come on, Martin, we can do this in my old room.
18:49No problem.
18:53Okay, now, real presents go out in the hall by the door.
18:57Fake presents, under the tree.
18:59Niles, did you notice my Christmas village?
19:01Would you like to see smoke waft out of the cobbler's chimney?
19:04Uh, maybe later.
19:06Fraser, I have to warn you.
19:09These prop boxes are heavy.
19:11Some idiot weighed them down with bricks.
19:14Just our luck.
19:15We could be the only meth in lobby decorator
19:17in all of Seattle.
19:23How much time do you think Daphne can buy us with, Dad?
19:26Not much.
19:27They're just putting batteries in the digital camera we're giving you.
19:33Act surprised.
19:36I said I get them.
19:38You'll never find them.
19:40How could you ask me to put batteries in
19:42and not bring any batteries?
19:44Now, boys, you know the rules.
19:47No shaking the presents.
19:49You see, Niles,
19:50No shaking the presents.
19:52You see, Niles, I told you.
19:55Found them.
19:56Let's go.
19:58Daphne, no more surprises.
20:00Oh, you mean like finding your father here
20:03when the apartment's supposed to be empty?
20:05Well, you can blame Dad on the knob.
20:10Fraser,
20:12I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.
20:14I feel like I'm ten years old.
20:16Yes.
20:17This time we have the merry task of being Santa.
20:29Niles,
20:30I'm so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas
20:32with our arguing.
20:34I just took that from under the tree.
20:36Oh, you didn't?
20:37Yes, I did, I know, because that's real.
20:39And all the fake ones were out in the pile by the door.
20:41By the elevator door?
20:43No, by the apartment door.
20:44That's where all the fake ones are.
20:47Great.
20:48Now what do we do?
20:49Oh, here.
20:50All right, you take these.
20:51Yes.
20:52Give me these.
20:55What do we...
21:00Where do we go?
21:01How the hell should I know?
21:04It's a flat head and I need a Phillips head.
21:07See, I told you if you rearranged them,
21:09they'd look fuller.
21:11Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Niles.
21:13It's all a matter of perspective.
21:16Wow, looks like twice as many.
21:19Put them back the way they were
21:20and show me how you did that.
21:23Got the Phillips.
21:24Let's go.
21:27He could be an assassin in those slippers.
21:29Are you two going to switch the presents
21:31or are you going to stand around arguing
21:32about whose Christmas village is bigger?
21:38I knew it, you didn't compliment mine
21:40because you have one too.
21:41I didn't compliment yours
21:42because yours is so poorly laid out.
21:47All right, all right.
21:48We don't have time for this.
21:49Now which one's which?
21:50I've got it all organized.
21:51Here, take this.
21:52Are you sure?
21:53Yes, absolutely.
21:54These are the real ones.
21:55These go to Dad out in the hall
21:56and we'll take them together.
21:57Fine, all right, all right.
21:58Good, good.
21:59You go to this.
22:00And then here.
22:01Now we're all set.
22:02All right.
22:03All the fake ones are under the tree.
22:04Yes, you put those in the elevator.
22:06I'll tell Daphne the coast is clear.
22:07Okay.
22:09Do you have any idea
22:10how much I paid for that?
22:12Well, it's not my fault.
22:14Those little plastic hinges
22:15snap off if you look at them.
22:17Now what am I supposed to give as a gift now?
22:20Oh, stop crying.
22:21Just put a little duct tape on it.
22:23It'll be good as new.
22:24It was new.
22:27Here, Daphne, I'll help you find the tape.
22:33What's the matter, boy?
22:34Too much eggnog, huh?
22:39Hey, Daph, be sure and use the silver duct tape,
22:43not the brown.
22:44The silver will match the camera.
22:47I mean, uh, the present.
22:50I'm taking Eddie for a walk.
22:52Break, Dad!
22:54I'll do that.
22:55You should just relax.
22:56No, that's all right.
22:58I need the fresh air.
23:01Oh, what's this?
23:03More presents?
23:05Is this why you were trying
23:06to keep me busy back there?
23:08Yes.
23:09Oh!
23:11Well, you didn't need to do that.
23:12Bring them on in.
23:14Frasier, give your brother a hand.
23:22I mixed them all up so I could look fuller.
23:27Merry Christmas!
23:29Merry Christmas!
23:31Hi.
23:32Hi.
23:33Hi.
23:34So, how are you?
23:36Well, tired and a little poorer.
23:39Had to bribe the maintenance man at Dad's building
23:42to get him to stay late.
23:43Oh, which reminds me, on your next show,
23:45you have to give something called a shout-out
23:48to a Steve Gomez.
23:50Oh!
23:51Oh!
23:52Oh!
23:53Oh!
23:54Shout-out to a Steve Gomez.
23:57Right.
23:58This is so exciting.
24:00I can't wait to see the look on your father's face
24:02when we go over there.
24:03It's surprising.
24:04Merry Christmas!
24:10Dad, uh, what are you doing here?
24:13Aren't you supposed to be at work?
24:15The boss called.
24:16I don't have to go in.
24:17Seems he was feeling guilty
24:18about my missing Christmas with my family.
24:21Ooh, heavy.
24:25This must be a good one,
24:27unless it's a book.
24:30But who's covering the desk?
24:32Nobody.
24:33She's shut down tight till tomorrow.
24:36Now, I have just enough patience to wait for Coco
24:40before I start tearing into these.
24:44Um, Dad?
24:48Don't tell me there's no Coco.
24:57Knock, knock, knock, knock.
25:00Hello?
25:02Hello?
25:06I didn't think there'd be a custodian
25:08or someone in there.
25:10I knew it was a long shot.
25:12There won't be anybody in till tomorrow morning.
25:16Sorry, Dad.
25:18Oh, forget it.
25:21That was a really sweet gesture.
25:24Would have been terrific, but...
25:28I've already received my gift.
25:35You know,
25:37I could throw a brick through the glass
25:41if it all wrapped up under our tree.
25:53Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
25:56Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:00Mercy!
26:02And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:05Well, maybe, but I got you pegged
26:11But I don't know what to do
26:13With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:18They're callin' again
26:21Happy holidays, everybody!