• 2 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:25♪
00:47My room at the Beltoro is free while I'm away with Jodie.
00:51Why don't you show one of the waitresses the five-star treatment?
00:55Don't go mad on the room service, Nan.
01:01If you're having a steering competition with them fried eggs,
01:04I think you've won. I just saw one of them blink.
01:06There's something not right here.
01:08It's half ten. Why hasn't my mother called?
01:10Yeah, half ten our time. Blaine, don't land for another half an hour.
01:13Oh, yeah.
01:14You promised you'd use this time to relax and not worry about our Jodie.
01:17You're right, I did.
01:18Sausage, bacon, egg, beans, hash brown, toast.
01:21What else did I have yesterday?
01:22Indigestion.
01:24You should have had fruit salad like me, son.
01:26You have the fruit salad as a pudding after a full English.
01:29Actually, it's more of a palate cleanser
01:32before I go on to muffins and croissant.
01:35Oh!
01:37Eddie, do you mind while we're at the table?
01:39I thought getting my cases back this morning were a good thing.
01:42I quite got used to them caftan jobbies,
01:45and way more comfortable.
01:47They're not mushrooms. I don't want them. They're tinned.
01:50Oh!
01:51Oh, Eddie, will you sit still? You're putting me off my food.
01:54Sorry, Sharon. It's netting in these shorts.
01:57They keep riding right up my crack.
01:59They're going to end up looking like black pudding.
02:01I can't have a full English without black pudding.
02:03Back in a sec.
02:06I shouldn't worry, Sharon.
02:08I'm sure Loretta's taking good care of our Jodie.
02:11Course she is.
02:12Mother's always going to worry, though.
02:14I still can't believe she never checked out of her room at Belltaro.
02:17What's the point of checking out? It's all paid for.
02:19Well, I just mean it's a waste.
02:21Nice hotel room, going begging for a night.
02:24It's not going begging.
02:25That's better.
02:26Morning.
02:27Oh, black pudding. Nice one.
02:33What's wrong with him?
02:35It's disgusting, Jacqueline.
02:37Kenneth blocks up the plug hole every day
02:39with his horrible, gloopy, hairy mess,
02:41and I'm the one who has to fish it out.
02:43Well, it is a hair salon.
02:45I suppose it's an occupational hazard.
02:48I don't mean here. I mean at home.
02:50I don't know where it all comes from.
02:52My Donald was as smooth as an eel.
02:55I don't think a hairy body would have suited him.
02:58Not with his white hair.
03:00He'd have looked like the abdominal snowman.
03:03Seriously, Jacqueline, I can't believe the mess,
03:05the clothes, the food everywhere.
03:07I hate to say it, but Kenneth is a disgusting flatmate.
03:10He's worse than that.
03:11He's a big, fat, dirty pig.
03:18Well, well, well.
03:20Or should I say oink, oink, oink?
03:22Kenneth, I...
03:23It was only having a little moan, Kenneth.
03:26We all do it.
03:27What? You mean you all moan about me when I'm not here?
03:30No, definitely not.
03:32I would never call you a big, fat, dirty pig.
03:35Jacqueline, you didn't have to say it again.
03:37Makes no difference.
03:38Now I finally know what you think of me.
03:40Kenneth, I...
03:44I'm sorry I made it personal.
03:47But basically, it's true.
03:49What?!
03:50This morning I woke up to find a takeaway box of chicken bones,
03:53an empty can of lager and a half-eaten cheesecake.
03:55A man has got to eat!
03:56They're on the corner of the bath.
03:57Well, you know I like a bit of supper when I come in after a night out.
04:00Fair enough, but why did you eat it in the bath?
04:02I was having it all out in the bath.
04:04Then what was it doing there?
04:05I ate it on the toilet.
04:06Oh, Kenneth.
04:07I blame the pink trombone.
04:09They don't clean the pipes.
04:10That lager goes through me like a two-man bobsleigh.
04:12And it doesn't end there.
04:13Towels on the floor, dirty underpants in the hallway,
04:16pizza boxes stuffed down the side of your bed.
04:18Our flat is going to get messy over time.
04:21We've been living there 48 hours!
04:23Fine, I'll stop looking for a new flatmate today.
04:26And of course, you can run back to Daddy.
04:28I don't want to move out.
04:29I'm just asking if you...
04:30Oh, no.
04:31This big, fat, dirty pig has closed the farmyard door.
04:34I want you out by the end of the week.
04:36Oh, and in the meantime,
04:38I suggest you get a peg for that delicate little nose of yours.
04:41Oh, Kenneth, I...
04:45He doesn't mean it.
04:48And I mean it!
04:52Beg your pardon, he does mean it.
04:57Have a lager, please, Pedro.
04:59Love, when you've got a second.
05:00Better dodge courage before you go back in and give Liam what for.
05:03How long have you been here?
05:05A couple of hours. One is freshening up first.
05:09Hey, come upstairs, I've got something for you.
05:11Certainly not your filthy beast.
05:12Come on, I think we could do with a chat as well.
05:14Oh, here we go.
05:15Kenneth, are you still on the airport runs?
05:18Erm, no, I'm fine, thanks. Now, Sam.
05:22What did she say?
05:23Oh, nothing.
05:24I had the curry croquettes at the airport.
05:26I've had the runs for days.
05:27Oh, the charming.
05:28OK.
05:36Straight to answer phone again.
05:38It's half eleven, what's she playing at?
05:40Don't worry, Sharon.
05:42If there'd have been a horrific plane crash
05:44killing everybody on board,
05:46it'd be all over the news, wouldn't it?
05:51What?
05:52Well, it would, wouldn't it?
05:53Bloody hell, Dad.
05:55Here you are, Mum. That's Nana Chase.
05:57What's she texting you for?
05:59No idea.
06:01Landed early, everything OK.
06:03Don't ring as we are in the studio.
06:06Don't know how you read these magazines.
06:08Role-play blind date with my husband
06:10keeps our marriage going.
06:11What does that even mean?
06:13Barbara at work, does it?
06:14She has dates with her husband
06:15where they don't know each other.
06:17Aw, I've always thought senile dementia was romantic.
06:20They pretend to not know each other.
06:25You know what I mean?
06:27Did you read that about the accents?
06:30What accents?
06:31Leeds voted friendliest accents in the UK.
06:35What a crap.
06:36All right.
06:37Equally as fascinating.
06:39Everybody knows the friendliest accent in the world
06:42is Sheffield, South Yorkshire.
06:44But not according to Bedazzle magazine.
06:46It's Leeds.
06:47They're trying to say I don't sound as friendly
06:49as the bloody Wessex.
06:51What a bullshit.
06:52They can frig off.
06:54You're talking absolute bollocks.
06:56I think you sound friendlier than anyone I've ever met.
06:59Aw.
07:00Thank you, Sherry.
07:02And the two sexiest accents are Australian and Irish.
07:07Never mind who reads this.
07:08Who writes this rubbish?
07:09Oh, yeah.
07:10I like both those.
07:12I remember years ago
07:13I had a mad crush on Crocodile Dundee.
07:16Dundee?
07:17It's a bloody horrible accent.
07:19I couldn't understand a word when I worked up there.
07:21Crocodile Dundee.
07:23The bloke who fights alligator with a big knife.
07:25Yeah.
07:26Paul Organ.
07:27What, that wrestler with big yellow tash?
07:29You fancied him?
07:31Big girl's blouse.
07:32That's Hulk Organ.
07:33No.
07:34The Hulk weren't yellow.
07:35He were green.
07:36Oh, for crying out loud.
07:38Hear yourselves.
07:39It's like being in one from over the cuckoo's nest.
07:42Bugger knows what his accents turned into.
07:46That'll be all them books he keeps reading
07:48and hanging around with that university lot.
07:50Oh, people with an education.
07:52They should be hung, drawn and quartered.
07:54I'll drink to that.
07:59The thing is, Troy, I've been meaning to tell you about...
08:02Stop!
08:03Before you go any further, I just want to say
08:06I know about your secret, Kenneth.
08:08Oh.
08:09And I think it's absolutely wonderful.
08:11Oh? Really?
08:14What's this?
08:16For you.
08:17I never imagined you'd be ready
08:19to take on a responsibility like this.
08:21I think it's amazing.
08:23I thought that you'd be angry
08:25in case it interfered with the work at the salon.
08:27How could I be angry at news like this?
08:29How did it happen?
08:30Well, I just got chatting to some bloke at the airport.
08:33A bloke at the airport?
08:34Yeah, I mean, it wasn't planned at all,
08:36but as soon as he offered the money, I thought, well, why not?
08:38Somebody offered you money?
08:39Yeah, I just said it wasn't my idea.
08:41I'm literally just doing it for the extra cash.
08:43But, Kenneth, what about the responsibility?
08:46Having a baby is a responsibility.
08:48Oh, yeah.
08:49How's that going?
08:50How's what going?
08:51Your baby.
08:53Oh, I bet you've got one of them nannies, haven't you?
08:56You see, I don't agree.
08:57It'll be wearing your best curtains and singing Doherty
08:59before you can say Captain Von Trapp.
09:01Hang on, let's start again.
09:02I haven't got a baby.
09:05Then why have you been texting
09:06about the pitter-patter of tiny feet and new arrivals?
09:09What would I be doing with a baby?
09:10What the frig would I be doing with one?
09:11I got a text from Liam yesterday.
09:13It was obviously meant for Jacqueline,
09:14asking her if she had any idea what to call your new baby.
09:17Jacqueline and Liam?
09:19One's mad,
09:20and if you gave the other one a penny for his thoughts,
09:21you'd get changed.
09:22But what about you swinging a baby seat round the salon?
09:25Oh, who told you about the baby seat?
09:28Come on, I know someone's been grassing on me.
09:30It was only a matter of time before I found out who.
09:35What's this?
09:36It's a live internet stream of blow and go.
09:40You've had CCTV fitted?
09:43Spying on us?
09:44It's a webcam.
09:45It was in the awards, the one Jacqueline brought over.
09:48So this is what it's come to.
09:52That's why you didn't come straight to the salon this morning.
09:54You've been in here spying on us.
09:56Oh, it's like 1994.
09:58You mean 1984.
10:00No, I don't. 1994.
10:02I rented a room in me last year at college
10:04and the gay landlord had a spiel
10:05with a picture of the Mona Lisa in front of it.
10:07I knew the eyes were meant to follow you around the room,
10:09but the heavy breathing gave it away.
10:11It's for security reasons.
10:12Oh, rubbish.
10:14This is obviously a day when I'm meant to find out
10:16who my real friends are.
10:17Well, you can shove your salon.
10:19You can shove that present.
10:20I've got bigger fish to fry.
10:23Kenneth!
10:44I'm sorry, pal, we're fully booked.
10:46Everywhere is. It's the high season.
10:48Even the Spanish visit Benidorm this week.
10:51Oh, I tell you what, you look deadbeat.
10:54Why don't you lot grab a coffee over the road,
10:56leave me your number and I'll do a ring-round for you.
10:59Save your legs.
11:00Thanks.
11:02It's just for the one night?
11:03Yeah, just one night.
11:05Need bother. I'll ring you within the hour.
11:12Leslie, I couldn't help overhearing that.
11:14Do you want me to ring?
11:16Oh, would you mind, pet?
11:18I'm absolutely run off me feet.
11:20Queen's got a medal for you.
11:24She can keep the medal.
11:26I'm strictly cash only.
11:30Oh, man, I am never drinking again.
11:34I'm aching, sweating, my head's banging
11:37and I've got a mouth like the bottom of a budgie's cage.
11:39If you say that, becomes seven or eight o'clock.
11:42Not a chance, no way, I'm absolutely dying.
11:45We'll see.
11:48All right, boys, did you have fun last night?
11:50Yeah, great.
11:51What time did you get in? I left you at three.
11:5325 to six.
11:55Well, if you fancy another big one tonight,
11:57I can sort it for you and all paid for.
11:59Yeah, man.
12:00Absolutely no way.
12:01What do you mean, free?
12:02There's a family of six that needs two rooms tonight,
12:05but the hotel's full.
12:06You've got two rooms worth 79 euros each,
12:09that makes 158 euros.
12:11Divided by the three of us, that makes...
12:1452.6666667 euros.
12:21Excuse me?
12:22But you could just call it 52 euros and 60 cents
12:24for the sake of argument.
12:25But if you rent out our rooms, where do we sleep?
12:28You don't, you pull an all-nighter.
12:30Oh, I couldn't, not after last night.
12:32Oh, guys, come on, check-out's at 10am,
12:34I'll boot them out then and you come home and crash.
12:37I'm basically offering you a free night out in Benidorm.
12:40Who could say no to that?
12:41Come on, bro, we're in Benidorm, the city that never sleeps.
12:46So, are you in or not?
12:48We're in!
12:51Nice one, boys.
12:52I'll be back later with your cut of the money.
12:54Sweet as!
12:58How did you do that?
12:59The calculation?
13:01I don't know.
13:02It's just maths, isn't it?
13:08You think you are clever, but I have my eyes peeled on you.
13:12I'm sorry, did you speak?
13:15You walk around like you are owning the place,
13:18but it is you who will be owned.
13:20Oh, really?
13:22You do not frighten me.
13:24No, you don't look frightened, you look terrified.
13:27I know you are up to something and I will find what this is.
13:30You couldn't find your own arse in the dark with both hands.
13:33You keep my arse out of this.
13:35You carry on mopping up spilt drinks, Mateo,
13:38and I'll keep on earning more money on the side every day than you do in a week,
13:42and you'll never know how.
13:48But I know who could help me find out.
13:50Joyce Temple Savage.
14:06Hi, mate.
14:08Good afternoon, sir.
14:10How may I be of assistance?
14:12I've left my key in my room.
14:15Name?
14:16Loretta Chase.
14:19Obviously, that's not me.
14:21Loretta's my wife's name.
14:24I'd get the other key off her, but she's at the...
14:27The who?
14:29The zoo.
14:30Yeah, I didn't go.
14:32I don't agree with them, you know, politically.
14:35I had no idea one of the giraffes was running for mayor.
14:40Giraffes?
14:41Very good.
14:43Very good.
14:46Anyway, can I have the key?
14:48Certainly, sir.
14:49Can you confirm your room number?
14:51Room number?
14:52Yes.
14:53Room number.
14:54The number of your room.
14:56Er...
14:57Oh, hang on.
14:58Envelope? That's not for us, is it?
15:02It depends.
15:04Is your name...
15:05Catalina de la Cruz?
15:07No, I told you already, it's Loretta Chase.
15:10And your room number?
15:12Oh, that.
15:13Yes, 435.
15:19Here is your new room key.
15:21And a spare key for your wife.
15:23Please inform her the old key cards are now cancelled.
15:26Great.
15:27And can I book a bottle of champagne for tonight?
15:29Send up to the room around...
15:31Eight o'clock?
15:32Shall I charge that to your room, sir?
15:34Oh, definitely.
15:37Muchas gracias, Loretta.
15:39Muchas gracias.
15:45I've landed Nana's room at the Bell Toro.
15:48Sky TV, room service, it's got the lot.
15:51Hey, Rob, watch this.
15:52Joey, what's 27 times 93?
15:572,511.
15:59Mate, who cares what the room looks like
16:01if you ain't got a girl to take back there?
16:03Oh, I think an hour at the beach bars will sort that out.
16:06982 divided by 16.
16:1161.375.
16:13It'll be a pleasure to come and watch you fail.
16:15Beach bar for an hour, Tai?
16:1793,852 multiplied by 246.
16:22Tiger, what are you going on about?
16:24It's Joey. He's a genius.
16:2623,087,592.
16:29What?!
16:32Look at that.
16:33Mate, the only equation I'm interested in
16:35is room 435 times 2.
16:39870. God, even I can do that one.
16:42No, room 435 times two people,
16:45me and somebody else, sir.
16:49Right, beach bars, yes?
16:52Yeah, man.
16:57Hey, son.
16:59Don't forget this.
17:00Oh, cheers, Grandad.
17:01And don't do out here, I wouldn't.
17:05Muchas gracias, Loretta.
17:10And then he said something like...
17:12It's obviously a day when I find out who my friends are.
17:14Greg Kenneth and I had words today.
17:16I called him a big, fat, dirty pig.
17:18Right.
17:21Oh, you mean he took offence at that?
17:22Well, wouldn't you?
17:24I would, but I'm not a big, fat, dirty pig.
17:26I thought being flatmates would bring us closer together.
17:28It's just driven us apart.
17:29You and Kenneth are flatmates?
17:31Well, not anymore.
17:32He's advertised my room on Facebook.
17:33He's got three replies already.
17:35Oh, lovely.
17:38I think Kenneth thinks you don't trust him.
17:40I don't trust him.
17:41No, I mean he thinks you don't trust him at all.
17:44I don't trust him at all.
17:45Why do you think I put a camera in here?
17:47I've never been bothered about being on camera.
17:50Ronald and I used to keep our webcam open 24-7.
17:54And what was this text I got that was meant for Jacqueline?
17:57I'm saying nothing.
17:58Is Kenneth still running his minicab service?
18:01I'm not in the habit of recommending unlicensed taxis,
18:05but there's a couple out here who are desperate to get to Pollop.
18:10Question too difficult for you?
18:13I thought as much.
18:21Looks like you don't have to say anything.
18:23Oops.
18:33Where have you been?
18:35Why, did you miss me?
18:36Yeah.
18:37Had to get me a drink myself.
18:39I went for a walk into Benidorm.
18:41And what have you bought?
18:42Oh, never mind about that.
18:44I bumped into an old flame of yours while I was out.
18:47An old flame?
18:48Are you?
18:49Australian fella called, um...
18:51Bruce.
18:53I don't know anyone called Bruce.
18:55I don't know any Australians.
18:57He's wearing a khaki shirt, shorts, a shark-tooth necklace
19:01and carrying a five-foot crocodile.
19:04He wants to have a date with you tonight.
19:06Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't be laughing.
19:08So, are you up for it or not?
19:10What would my husband say?
19:11What he don't know won't hurt him.
19:13Eight o'clock tonight at the Beltoro?
19:16I love you, Billy Dawson.
19:18Don't be saying things like that later on.
19:20It'll ruin a big night.
19:21Where are you going?
19:22Bit of Dutch courage.
19:23I've got a date tonight.
19:25Ooh!
19:30I don't understand how you're so brilliant at maths
19:33but, well, not so brilliant at other stuff.
19:37I don't know.
19:38I don't work it out.
19:39I just hear the numbers and I see the answer in my head.
19:43Mate, I never thought I would say this,
19:45but, well, you are a genius.
19:48Yeah, it's really come in handy today.
19:50There's nothing more impressive than telling a girl
19:52you know your 97 times table.
19:54You leave it with me.
19:55This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
20:00How's it going, Robstar?
20:02Terrible.
20:03There's nothing like a free room in a five-star hotel
20:06to make you wreak desperation.
20:08I've got another idea.
20:10Why don't the three of us have a slumber party?
20:13Popcorn, movies, maybe a room service pizza?
20:16Cos we're not 12-year-old girls.
20:18We need somewhere to stay anyway.
20:20Tiger and I have rented out our rooms for the night.
20:22You two?
20:23It's a long story.
20:25Sorry, kids.
20:26You'll have to have your pyjama party another night.
20:28Today, it's all about the ladies.
20:30Time for shots!
20:34Hey!
20:37Scrubber.
20:38I beg your pardon.
20:40Oh, hello, Eddie.
20:43One down.
20:44S-C-R, something.
20:46B-B, something, something.
20:48Scrubber.
20:49Let me look at the clue.
20:51Slow down?
20:53Not many scrubbers said that to me.
20:55Slow down, it's illegible.
20:58Is that a clue?
20:59Yeah.
21:00Oh, it's one of them cryptic jobs, isn't it?
21:02It must be.
21:04It's like that 3-2-1.
21:06What's got windscreen wipers, three pedals and a bonnet?
21:09That's right, you've won a dustbin.
21:12Oh, I can't be doing with that.
21:14Do you want it?
21:16I get it as I'll have a go later on.
21:18Are you having a nice day?
21:20Well, I am.
21:22But I were hoping for an even better night.
21:25Oh, yeah?
21:26Got something planned?
21:27Well, I've got full use of a five-star room
21:31at the Beltoro this evening.
21:33Oh, I see.
21:35Thought you might be up for it.
21:37Well, it depends what you have in mind.
21:39You know, bottle of bubbly on the balcony,
21:42enjoying the panorama,
21:44bit of Mantovani,
21:46maybe a few nibbles.
21:48Oh, you mean like a soiree?
21:51If you want to call it that.
21:53Oh, yeah?
21:54That sounds lovely.
21:56Is there a dress code?
21:57Shall we say start off fully clothed
22:00and see how the evening goes?
22:02Oh, you silly thing.
22:04Room 435.
22:05Shall we say eight o'clock?
22:07Room 435.
22:09Eight o'clock.
22:10Lovely.
22:12Do you want me to put it in for you, scrubber?
22:15Well, as you say.
22:16Let's see how the evening goes.
22:25Look, look.
22:26She's taking money now.
22:27Well, probably for one of the trips.
22:30The only trip she's doing
22:31out of the bank with all the money she's making.
22:33Well, what do you want me to do about it?
22:34Come with me to Miss Temple Savage.
22:36And see what?
22:37You've got no evidence, man.
22:39Look, look.
22:40She's taking the money.
22:41Oh, she's doing it the way in your prime.
22:43Look, you've got nothing on her
22:44until you find some hard evidence.
22:46Oh, so I just forget about it, huh?
22:48For now, yes.
22:51Well, time for lunch.
22:53The girl's got to eat.
22:54Oh, I think maybe you have had enough to eat.
22:56More cushion for the pushing, Matteo.
23:00Where would somebody want to push you, huh?
23:02Oh, maybe over a cliff.
23:04Don't get yourself worked up, man.
23:09Matteo, shouldn't you be behind the pool bar?
23:11Yes, Miss Temple Savage.
23:14Everything all right, Leslie?
23:16Jumping, Miss Temple Savage, jumping.
23:22Did you get sorted out?
23:23Yeah, all sorted, thanks.
23:33I'm sorry, Roberto.
23:35If you don't speak English,
23:37I'm just not quite clear
23:38on how you read my advert for a flatmate.
23:40Si, flatmate.
23:41No, you don't understand.
23:43You see, you replied to me on Facebook.
23:45On Facebook, in English.
23:48Now, did somebody help you with that?
23:50Si, flatmate.
23:51Oh, all right.
23:52But you do have a basic grasp of English.
23:55Si.
23:56OK.
23:57Flatmate.
23:58Right.
23:59Do you understand what I am saying now?
24:03And if you say si, flatmate, this interview's over.
24:05Si.
24:07Flatmate.
24:08Oh, for God's sake.
24:09Right.
24:11I'll be in touch.
24:12I'll give you a call.
24:13It's OK.
24:14Si, flatmate.
24:15Si.
24:16Oh, give me strength.
24:17Kenneth, we need to talk.
24:20I've just got one last person to see from your flat.
24:23Then I'll be with you.
24:24I'll be back.
24:25I'll look forward to it.
24:29Ugh.
24:33PHONE RINGS
24:36Leslie, what do you want?
24:38I'm behind the pool bar.
24:39If Miss Temple Savage catches me,
24:41she'll be having my nuts for garters.
24:43No, I mean nuts.
24:47Yes, I see them.
24:51Yes, they are all wearing the wristbands.
24:54Well, if they are not booked into the hotel,
24:56then how are they staying here?
25:02I knew it.
25:05Leslie, enjoy your night off because tomorrow she will be gone.
25:09Benidorm is a survival of the fittest, not the fattest.
25:12Luego.
25:23What are you looking so happy about?
25:25Ah, Miss Temple Savage, I have some news.
25:27Some very big news I think you will want to know.
25:30Go on, then.
25:31I'll tell you tonight in Neptune's.
25:33I just need to check on a few facts first.
25:36And how do you keep an idiot in suspense?
25:39I don't know. How?
25:41I'll tell you tonight in Neptune's.
25:48I'm really sorry.
25:50To be completely honest, I'm not just looking for a flatmate.
25:53I'm looking for someone who I get on with in a sort of social way too.
25:57And I'm just not getting that vibe from you.
25:59Sorry, love.
26:09No luck with your new flatmate?
26:11No.
26:12But I've got a couple of weeks to find somebody, so there's no rush.
26:17I know about your new minicab business, Kenneth,
26:20and I am so disappointed.
26:22How are you disappointed? I haven't taken you anywhere.
26:25No, I mean the fact that you're doing that when you're supposed to be working for me.
26:28Oh, Troy, it's literally just a couple of hours a day when the salon's dead anyway.
26:31The salon will be dead and buried if you carry on like this.
26:34You're just jealous because I'm showing some initiative.
26:36It's all right for you to be an entrepreneur, but not me.
26:38Oh, listen to yourself, Kenneth.
26:40Thank God you never got that baby.
26:41Oh.
26:42Because you with a child would be such a success.
26:44Doing its maths homework at gunpoint.
26:46You've got to grow up at some point, Kenneth.
26:48Oh, Troy, I'm grown up already.
26:50I'm just the kind of grown-up that you don't like.
26:52A free-thinking, free spirit who follows his dreams.
26:55I'm not arguing with you, Kenneth.
26:57Enjoy your dreams. Give me a shout when you wake up.
27:06Oh, that sounds brilliant.
27:09Oh, you must be shattered.
27:10Is that Geordie?
27:12All right, then. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
27:15Do you want to talk to your dad?
27:18All right, then. I'll tell him.
27:20Yeah. OK.
27:22All right. Night-night. Night-night. Night.
27:24Charming.
27:26She says she'll text you. She's had a long day.
27:29So, any plans for tonight?
27:33Er...
27:34No. No. No plans.
27:37How about you?
27:39Thought I'd maybe catch a movie.
27:41In Spanish. On me own.
27:44Hmm.
27:45Yeah.
27:46I think I'll just have a night in watching the telly.
27:49You're looking very glam to watch Dad's Army, dubbed in Spanish.
27:52Basic Instinct's on later.
27:54I hope you've got pants on. It's a long walk up to the Del Toro.
27:57Oh, will you bugger off and stop spoiling it?
27:59Sorry.
28:02Right. Well...
28:04See you later, then.
28:06I mean, won't see you later, then.
28:09I mean...
28:11Go.
28:17You are coming to the Del Toro, aren't you?
28:19Get out!
28:24Put some knickers on!
28:26SHE LAUGHS
28:29Anyway, listen, why don't you both come back to my place?
28:34I've got a room at the Del Toro.
28:37None of this three-star crap.
28:40It's five-star crap.
28:42All the way from me.
28:44Neither of you fancy a five-star crap?
28:47I mean, room.
28:54How you doing, Rob?
28:56I'm not going to lie to you, Joe.
28:59I've done better.
29:01How are you two getting on?
29:03Oh, great.
29:04Tiger just keeps asking girls to think of the hardest math problem they can.
29:08Then introduces them.
29:11It's not working. Not so far.
29:14Ask him what eight millions times 53.
29:17Go on, ask him.
29:19What about that slumber party at your new hotel, Rob?
29:22There's no way me and Tiger are going to be able to pull an all-nighter.
29:26And we've got a family of six in our rooms.
29:29Mmm!
29:32There you go, boys.
29:34That's my room at the Solana. It's all yours.
29:38I'm off to the Beltorro for a five-star crap.
30:00Buenas tardes.
30:02Oh, hello. You all right?
30:04Aren't you looking for someone?
30:07Yeah, but I don't think he's here yet.
30:09Is it possible your friend is carrying a metre-and-a-half-long inflatable crocodile?
30:14Very possible.
30:16The bar on the left.
30:22Buenas tardes, señor.
30:24How can I help you?
30:26I'm busting for Little Boy's room.
30:28I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you.
30:30Don't give me all that. I'm staying here.
30:32I just don't think I can make it up to room in time.
30:35In time for what?
30:36I need to lay a cable.
30:38Drop the kids off at the pool.
30:40Release the chocolate hostage.
30:42Come on, man, these cakes are new on.
30:44Do you need the restroom?
30:46Aye, I'll restroom it on this floor if you don't tell me where it is soon.
30:50Around the corner, first on your left.
30:52Thank God.
31:01Oh, shit.
31:04We're done with it.
31:10Just sit down for two minutes first.
31:30Bruce.
31:32I hardly recognised you.
31:34It's Bruce, Sheila. You look a ripper.
31:37Thanks.
31:39It's, er, it's Cheryl, actually.
31:41Oh, yeah, of course.
31:44Cheryl.
31:46Can I get you a lager?
31:48No, but I'll have a glass of cava, thanks.
31:50What's a cava?
31:52A sparkling wine, a bit like champagne.
31:54Nah, that's not a cava.
31:56That's a cava!
31:58Do you get it? That's a cava.
32:02A glass of cava, please.
32:08Do you know, Bruce, it's been so long since we last saw each other,
32:12I can't actually remember where we first met.
32:15Oh, we had a date at a zoo. It was absolutely bonzer.
32:19Is that right?
32:21Yeah, yeah. Saved you from an escaped croc.
32:24An escaped crocodile?
32:26Wow, you'd think I'd have remembered that.
32:31Thanks.
32:32Yeah, and then you got attacked by a shark.
32:35A what?
32:37A shark.
32:38Oh, a shark.
32:39That's right.
32:40In the zoo?
32:41Yeah, but I wrestled the little cobbler to the floor
32:43and I just punched him up the throat.
32:45Yeah, you've gone a bit cockney now.
32:47Mm-hm, mm-hm.
32:50So, so,
32:52you married some British drongo, then?
32:56Billy.
32:57Yeah, that's the fella.
32:59And this arvo, face like a bucket of smashed crabs?
33:02Billy.
33:03Yeah, that's the one.
33:04A few roos loose in the top paddock, if you ask me.
33:08Hey, mate, any chance of another pint of piss?
33:10I'm driving a dingo shitbox here.
33:12Billy!
33:13What?
33:14Crying out loud, what are you doing?
33:15I'm in character.
33:17What sort of character?
33:18The most annoying person in the world?
33:20I ain't thought you like the Australian accent.
33:22I do.
33:23What accent's that meant to be?
33:26Well, I've messed it all up, haven't I?
33:28Eh?
33:29Oh, I knew I shouldn't have bothered.
33:31I'm rubbish at stuff like this.
33:33It's all right, it's just a bit full-on.
33:36No, no, I've ruined it, I knew I would.
33:38Shall we just go back to the Solana?
33:40No, we won't, and do you know why?
33:42Why?
33:43Because Bruce, the annoying, loud-mouthed Australian,
33:46has reminded me of something.
33:48What's that?
33:50How much I love and fancy my husband.
33:54And that I don't need any daft role-playing or silly characters.
34:00Really?
34:02Really.
34:04Now, kiss me, you drongo.
34:09Right.
34:11Grab your crocodile, you've pulled.
34:25Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
34:28Rob?
34:30Rob?
34:32Rob?
34:34It's Giles.
34:36You're in my early modern history class.
34:38Oh, Giles, how you doing, man?
34:41I'm all right, mate. You look like you're seeing better days.
34:44Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
34:47Do you need help getting to your room?
34:49Yes, please.
34:50435 times 2.
34:52435 times 2.
34:54Know what I mean?
34:56Room 435.
34:58Come on.
35:02I'll be out in a minute. I'll see you outside.
35:07Ooh, I feel terrible as not bringing a bottle of anything.
35:10Hey, if he can afford to stay here, he can afford a few bottles of vino.
35:13Are you sure he wasn't just inviting you, Jacqueline?
35:16Oh, no, it was definitely a party.
35:18In fact, they called it a soiree.
35:21Oh, I wish you'd have told me. I'd have worn long.
35:24Then I'd have done something with my hair.
35:38Oh, come on.
35:42Oh, you're joking.
35:46Dad?
35:48What the hell are you doing here?
35:49Me? What are you doing here?
35:51I got a key from reception so me and Sharon could have a quiet night
35:54while Loretta was away.
35:55Well, that's why mine's not working.
35:57Well, where did you get yours from?
35:59Nicked it off our Rob, didn't I?
36:00Why did Rob have one?
36:02Loretta left it for him.
36:03I saw him earlier heading out to find a date to bring back here
36:07and I just thought, well, I'll save him changing sheets.
36:11Just go back to the salon, Dad. We'll see you tomorrow.
36:14Hang on, why should Abbott want Mrs out?
36:16Hiya, Eddie. Is everything all right?
36:19What's she doing here?
36:21Oh, you should have said it was fancy dress.
36:23The joke shop's open until nine.
36:25What are they doing here?
36:27They're here for the party.
36:28You were going to have a party and not tell us?
36:30It's not a party. I just invited you.
36:33So much for saving the sheets.
36:34Oh, do you mind?
36:35You said it was a soiree.
36:37It's technically a party.
36:39Excuse me, folks. Is this room 435?
36:42I'm trying to get this young man into bed.
36:46I knew it!
36:49A sex party!
36:51What?
36:52It's just a soiree.
36:53No. Never. Not at the Belltoro.
36:57Which one of you is Loretta Chase?
37:04I knew it! Out! Everyone out before I call the police!
37:11Buenas noches.
37:13Buenas noches.
37:15Get out.
37:34You can tell me anything you know, love.
37:36I don't mind if you're gay, straight or that middle one where you like a bit of both.
37:40What's it called?
37:41Bisexual.
37:42Are you?
37:43Straight. Not that it matters anyway.
37:45That's what I'm saying, love. It doesn't matter.
37:47Fine. But I like girls, Mum, OK?
37:51Women, ladies, señoritas.
37:55You think the lady does protest too much?
37:58Shut up, Grandad. You're the one who organised an orgy.
38:02Don't talk rubbish.
38:04She got wrong end of stick.
38:06God knows whose stick you'd have got all of tonight if we hadn't turned up.
38:09What about you dressing up as a boy scout with an inflatable crocodile?
38:14If that's not kinky, I don't know what is.
38:16I was an Australian.
38:18Not that you could tell by the accent.
38:19Hey, don't you ever go at me as well!
38:21Are you a sub in that hill or what?
38:23I can't even look at it.
38:25You build a friend with Big Tash bought you too many pina coladas, did he?
38:29He is a friend from uni.
38:31Oh, say no more.
38:34He seemed really nice.
38:36Oh, for God's sake.
38:40Just so you know, check-out's ten o'clock sharp tomorrow.
38:43Enjoy your evening.
38:48I know who you are getting up to.
38:50Has that got to do with anything?
38:52I mean about selling rooms we do not have.
38:54Keep your voice down, you idiot.
38:56I do not know how you're making rooms out of thick air,
39:00but as long as you're paying me half of your kick-scam money,
39:02I will not be telling Miss Temple Savage.
39:04I can't give you half of the money from all of my little scams.
39:07Then I'll go to Temple Savage.
39:08I wouldn't do that if I were you.
39:10Give me one reason why no.
39:12Because the half of the money from my scams I can't give to you is already going to Joyce.
39:16You see? I knew there was something you're not telling me.
39:21What?
39:32Padre mio.
39:39Okay, so what's going on?
39:40Excuse me, Miss Temple Savage.
39:42Earlier today you said you had some big news to tell me.
39:46Well, come on, get on with it.
39:47You better be good.
39:48I've got far better things to do with my evening than listen to mindless tittle-tattle.
39:54I think you are right.
39:56It is just mindless tattle-tattle, Miss Temple Savage.
40:01Speaking more than one language is an asset, Matteo.
40:05But keeping your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
40:11Do you understand what I'm saying?
40:14I think I do understand, Miss Temple Savage.
40:16Very good.
40:18As you are.
40:20Padre mio.
40:28Leslie's not going to believe this one.
40:31Normal servants are better parties.
40:33It was a soiree.
40:34Oh, yeah. Remember to avoid them in future.
40:37So, what is going on with you and Captain Birdside, then?
40:40Captain who?
40:41Eddie.
40:42Oh, him?
40:43Nothing!
40:44And nothing happened between you and him when you both stayed on last year?
40:47He kept his hands to himself. He was the perfect gentleman.
40:51Doesn't sound like a perfect gentleman to me.
40:53Oh, talking of perfect gentlemen...
40:56I came here earlier, but you weren't here.
40:58I assumed you'd all gone out without me.
41:00It was you who disappeared in a huff.
41:03Can I sit down?
41:04Of course you can.
41:09We did go out. We went to an orgy.
41:11What, all of you?
41:12Yeah.
41:13Wasn't great, was it?
41:14It was rubbish.
41:15I've been to better. A lot better.
41:27I'm sorry, guys. I'm going to have to hit this sack.
41:29All right, son. Hey, big glass of water before you go to bed.
41:32And remember, darling, we'll always love you no matter what.
41:36Goodnight.
41:40You want to watch that one?
41:42I think we've established it was a friend from school.
41:45I dressed like one of the village people.
41:47Eddie, for goodness sake, we're in Benidorm, the fancy dress capital of Europe.
41:51You should know.
41:52We spent the last three days dressed as a child's duvet in The Grim Reaper.
41:55Yeah, but I didn't have Freddie Mercury carrying me to bed in denim shorts and a hard hat.
42:00He's probably upstairs now having a second bite of the cherry.
42:05I think I'll have a moment.
42:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
42:10Well, am I supposed to go sit here shopping on my own?
42:13Well, your friends are still over there.
42:15Good luck with your second bite of the cherry.
42:19Oh, whatever.
42:26So...
42:29..first of all, I want to say sorry for kicking off.
42:33Who's that directed to?
42:35Well, you to begin with.
42:37I was angry about the things you said to me, about me.
42:41And then I thought, well, how angry can you be if it's all true?
42:44I was frustrated, Kenneth.
42:46I'm sorry I called you horrible names.
42:50Did you find a new flatmate?
42:52I did find a new flatmate.
42:54One for you.
42:56Me?
42:57Yeah.
42:59One who's not perfect,
43:01but one who wants to try harder to be a better flatmate and a better friend.
43:05It's you, isn't it?
43:07You're talking about yourself.
43:09Yeah.
43:10Oh, and I thought I wasn't good at cryptic clues.
43:13Just shows you, doesn't it?
43:15And I only had to go at you because I'm worried about you.
43:18Liam said that car you're driving's a death trap.
43:20Oh, it is.
43:21I thought about that just now when I got stopped by the police.
43:23What?
43:24No.
43:25What happened?
43:26Well, when you lot weren't here, I took a fare up to the old town.
43:28I was sitting in traffic with an illegal passenger in the back
43:31and a car with seatbelts that don't work and a dodgy indicator
43:34and no MOT and three baldy tyres.
43:36Then a copper on the street waved at me to pull over.
43:38Oh, Kenneth, what happened?
43:40Well, he came over to the window, which doesn't wind down properly,
43:43so I had to open the car door to speak to him.
43:45He said, I'm arresting you for wearing blonde highlights
43:47and guyliner in a built-up area.
43:49You are?
43:50And then his mates who were all stood behind him,
43:52also wearing fancy dress, burst out laughing.
43:54Bloody hell.
43:56Well, that was a lucky escape.
43:57It was, I know.
43:59So, I've dumped the car and I've come back here for a new start.
44:05A new start with all of you, if that's all right.
44:09Sounds good to me. Cheers.
44:11Cheers.
44:12Cheers.
44:13Cheers.
44:16So, did that police want to let you off with a caution, then?
44:34Let's just go to bed.
44:35No, I want to have a quick listen at his door.
44:37What, to make sure Bob the Builder's not in there with him?
44:40Don't be stupid.
44:41It's just that he's had a lot to drink.
44:47I'm sorry tonight didn't exactly go to plan.
44:50It's all right, I had fun.
44:51I don't think we'll be hearing from Bruce again any time soon.
44:54Good. Bruce is an absolute pillock.
44:57His little khaki shorts, on the other hand.
45:00Oh, you like them, did you?
45:03They're all right.
45:04I hope you saved the inflatable crocodile as well.
45:07Oh, you kinky bugger.
45:09Pillock.
45:10Pillock.
45:39THEME MUSIC
46:09THEME MUSIC