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Short filmTranscript
00:00¶¶
00:30I'm sorry to move so many of you around this morning,
00:33but as you know, yesterday,
00:35the whole of Benidorm was alcohol-free
00:38for the Feast of San Lorenzo.
00:40In precisely 30 seconds, the ban will be lifted.
00:43Are there any questions?
00:44Miss Temple-Savage, I am the first one to say
00:47the British drink too much,
00:48but there has only been a ban on alcohol for 24 hours.
00:52I really do not think there is such...
00:56When he comes, I'll be in my office.
01:10No joy? Right, try this.
01:12Er, capital L-O-A-D-O-F-O-L-D,
01:20capital S, capital H, capital I, capital T.
01:24I don't think that's the Wi-Fi password. Why not?
01:27Because you've just spelt out the words load of old shit.
01:30Oh. Oh, aye, sorry, that's a review for the Polish-Italian.
01:33I'm going to have to bring me specs in tomorrow.
01:35I can't believe you don't know your own Wi-Fi password.
01:38Well, baby Jesus keeps changing it.
01:40Apparently he's very security conscious for a ten-year-old.
01:43Oh, whatever, forget it.
01:45Do you want to use my hotspot?
01:47Depends. Are we still talking about the internet?
01:50You should be so lucky.
01:52Search for Sam's phone, the passwords Benidorm spelt backwards.
01:56Bit cryptic.
01:58But then again, you don't want just any old Tom, Dick or Harry
02:01messing with your hotspot.
02:03No, I'd much rather have a Joey.
02:07Hey, you don't want to be checking your emails on your holidays, man.
02:11It's exam results.
02:13Ooh, eh? Good luck.
02:15Thanks, I've been eating it.
02:18Good morning, Kenneth. Morning, Nev.
02:20Morning, Nev. How's it going, love?
02:22Eh, I kind of smile wide enough.
02:24Ooh, do you know what, I'm fuming.
02:26I couldn't get a drink anywhere last night
02:28cos I sank bloody Winifred or wherever it was.
02:30Patience ain't a bloody fruit juice.
02:32Eh, you don't need to tell me about it.
02:34Do you know what, I was in bed by half past 11
02:36and I suddenly realised I'd forgotten how to fall asleep. Aye.
02:39Cos I've heard you usually just crash out on a sun lounger about 5am
02:42straight from Café B. Exactly, Nev, I'm a creature of habit.
02:45Eh, could you not just have a drink at home?
02:47Drink at home? What, do you think I am an alcoholic?
02:49I'm happy for Liam for once. Aye, no, he's in blown goal already.
02:52You've got a few clients and all.
02:54Nev, what are you talking about? We're not open for another hour.
02:57Hey, see for yourself.
03:06I've learnt a lot.
03:08I know it's difficult just to...
03:10But I just don't...
03:15I've gone through that journey, I've come out the other side
03:19and I feel so much stronger because of you.
03:26Well...
03:30Thanks, girls.
03:33See you Tuesday for a shampoo and set.
03:36Thanks.
03:37Hey, me brother's son. How was the exam results?
03:40Unbelievable.
03:42Ho-ho, champion.
03:43Hey, it's a good job the bar's is open again.
03:45You're going to want a drink.
03:46Yeah, we want in several.
03:48As will me mum and dad when they find out.
03:58You manage to see our Geordie on that video-calling thing?
04:00No, Wi-Fi's not working.
04:02Typical.
04:03And there's been no movement on the mushrooms?
04:06On the what?
04:07First day here, I filled out a complaint card about the mushrooms.
04:10Did you?
04:11Oh, yes.
04:12What's wrong with them?
04:13I told you the other day, they're tinned.
04:15Oh, yeah.
04:16That explains why I haven't been sleeping.
04:19Oh, well, no more crappy three-star holidays for us next year
04:23with our Geordie earning.
04:24What do you mean by that?
04:26Well, I mean, once she's paid her school fees for the year,
04:29the rest is, you know.
04:31The rest is what?
04:34No, what I mean is,
04:36what if Geordie wants to go somewhere else next year?
04:39She'll go where we go on holiday. She's nine.
04:45Morning.
04:48I know what you're getting at.
04:50Would you ask our Rob to pay for us to go on a fancy holiday
04:53just cos he's going to have a good job when he starts work?
05:01Morning to you and all.
05:03What were all that about?
05:05No idea.
05:08Where is she?
05:09She knows we've called a family meeting.
05:11She's probably having a sleep-in.
05:14She is on her holidays.
05:16Well, look, we're in the middle of a family crisis.
05:19We need to talk about Malcolm.
05:21I'm sure I've seen something on telecall that.
05:27That was Kevin.
05:29Who's Kevin?
05:31We need to talk about Kevin.
05:33I thought you wanted to talk about Malcolm.
05:36Who's Kevin?
05:38How many boyfriends has Pauline got?
05:41No, that's probably what you saw on the tele.
05:44We need to talk about Kevin.
05:46It was a film about a lad who killed all his school friends.
05:49Well, what about Malcolm?
05:52Well, he hasn't killed anyone.
05:54Not yet, anyway.
05:56No, in the middle.
05:57In the middle of what?
05:59Malcolm in the middle.
06:01That's the thing I saw on tele.
06:03Oh, for God's sake, Mother, you are frying me brain.
06:08I've only just got your text.
06:12If this is about Malcolm, I know he didn't get on his plane.
06:16He's gone out to find smoked salmon for my breakfast.
06:20Smoked salmon? Is he off his nuts?
06:22He must be.
06:23We couldn't even get brown sauce first two years we were here.
06:28No.
06:29What I mean is, after last night, why hasn't he gone home?
06:34Why does it think you're even talking to him?
06:38Right, emergency family meeting called at 09.22.
06:43Look, this is how a relationship works.
06:46We have our good days and we have our bad days.
06:50What about all the things you said yesterday?
06:53That was yesterday.
06:55You don't understand, Pauline.
06:57You're being manipulated.
06:59Malcolm's controlling your life.
07:01He's controlling your mind.
07:03Ah, yes.
07:04Geoff Moatby, that world-renowned judge of character.
07:07Remind me, who is Janella, your gold-digging ex-girlfriend?
07:13We're just looking after your interests, believe me.
07:17Malcolm's not the person he's claiming to be.
07:19He's not Kevin, is he?
07:22Who's Kevin?
07:23Just somebody our Geoff wanted to talk about.
07:27Success.
07:28Still frozen, but ten minutes in the sun and Bob's your uncle.
07:32Now, let's try and get this hotel to poach an egg.
07:39Easy on the grains, Pauline.
07:41Remember what we said about refined carbohydrates?
07:44No?
07:47Good girl.
07:48Ah, Stuart.
07:54It's such a terribly sad life story.
07:57You could tell how much it's affected Liam.
07:59Me as well. Bullied at school. Terrible home life.
08:04And a terrible mother.
08:06How on earth was she a prostitute all those years,
08:09without any of the family knowing?
08:11Unbelievable. I don't know how the husband coped.
08:14The bit that really got me, though, was the long-lost sister.
08:17Can you believe it? Finding out you always had a sister.
08:21Yeah.
08:22And then, when you finally meet her,
08:25she tells you she's got two weeks to live
08:28and ends up dying in her brother's arms.
08:30Oh, don't. He'll set me off again.
08:33Come on, Hassie, let's go to the indoor market.
08:36The tea here is terrible, isn't it?
08:38OK.
08:40Oh, Liam.
08:52Well, it all looks very impressive,
08:54but, as I said when you first sat down,
08:57I'm not looking for a holiday home.
08:59Thank you, Mr... I'm sorry, I forget your name.
09:02Monty.
09:03Monty, where have I heard that name before?
09:05Do you not stay in a hotel?
09:07Where have I heard that name before?
09:09You're not staying at the Solana, are you?
09:11The Solana? Good grief, no.
09:14I've housed my dog in better accommodation.
09:16And the clientele there are...
09:19How can I put this kindly?
09:21Financially challenged.
09:23And if you weren't being so kind?
09:25Well, basically peasants.
09:27No, I prefer to see my prospective clients in hotels such as this,
09:32and when I show them what I have on offer,
09:35they tend to go all the way.
09:37That's where I've heard that name before.
09:39When I was a child, my brother had a snake called Monty.
09:43Oh, how very charming.
09:46No, it wasn't.
09:48Horrible, small, slippery, slimy thing it was.
09:51Tried to get into all sorts of tight spaces where it wasn't welcome.
09:56Tight spaces? I should be so lucky.
09:59And so would you, I imagine.
10:02Well, I won't keep you any longer.
10:05Adios, Monty.
10:08Better luck next time.
10:12Hello.
10:20There you are. Just been upstairs looking for you.
10:23Are we open already? I was just about to come over.
10:26Oh, behave and don't give a toss about that. It's Liam.
10:28What's Liam?
10:30It's a bit lunchtime already.
10:32I'll have one of them foot-long hot dogs.
10:35No, it's still early.
10:37Will you two just listen to me?
10:39I've always wondered why he's a bit odd, but...
10:41Oh, God, you're not going to bloody believe this.
10:43Let me go and get some drinks. No, no, it's all right, I'll go.
10:46I need a bacon butty as well before breakfast closes.
10:51And I said to Graham,
10:53experiencing a synchronistic moment that unlocks something
10:57which was hidden within you
10:59like a man trying to light a fire in the rain.
11:02Completely matchless.
11:06Malcolm, we'd like to talk about last night.
11:09Geoff, mate, no need to apologise.
11:11I realised a long time ago a grudge is an investment with zero return.
11:15I forgive you.
11:17You forgive me?
11:19Would anybody like a drink?
11:21Well, you sound surprised, Geoff.
11:23Although it has to be said,
11:25contrition seems to be a rare commodity these days.
11:27Excuse me, love, how long ago did you get that bacon?
11:30Oh, not long since.
11:32They had plenty. Have they run out?
11:34I knew it, they're always doing this.
11:36I'm sure they take it back and sell it to Norris in the indoor market.
11:39Funny how he only does bacon rolls after half past ten.
11:42Wouldn't mind, he's only got a mobile phone shop.
11:46Bloody hell.
11:48Dennis?
11:50Oh, my God.
11:53It's Kenneth.
11:55Leeds?
11:57Leeds?
11:591986?
12:01Sorry, you must be mistaken.
12:03Never been to Leeds.
12:05And my name's Malcolm.
12:07Oh, my God.
12:09How embarrassing.
12:11I mean, not you being named Malcolm.
12:13I mean, oh, I'm sorry.
12:15Do you know when you just look at someone from one angle?
12:18Oh, I'm really, really sorry.
12:20Not a problem.
12:22Mind you, my friend Dennis was a looker,
12:24and I'm not one to be trifled with.
12:26I'm sorry I interrupted.
12:28Cheers. Sorry.
12:32Noreen, have you ever had a Lime Splash?
12:36Well, sometimes we treat ourselves to a lemon toilet duck
12:42when it's on special offer.
12:44Don't we, son?
12:46A Lime Splash, it's a non-alcoholic cocktail.
12:48Now, if we can persuade your barman to rustle up a fresh lime,
12:51and brown sugar, I will, with your permission.
12:54Blow your minds.
12:56Don't let the salmon go to waste, Noreen.
13:04I'm going to sort this, right now.
13:14So, you don't have fresh mint or limes.
13:16What kind of bar is this?
13:18My friend, even the straws are not fresh.
13:20We clean them under the tap and put them back into the box.
13:23Welcome to Benidorm.
13:25Well, I have 50 euros here that says you can find
13:30fresh mint and limes and brown sugar.
13:33Oh, and fresh straws.
13:35Wait there.
13:39Would you cover the bar for me, please? Ten minutes.
13:41What's it worth?
13:42Five euros.
13:43Ten.
13:44Done.
13:45I know what you're doing.
13:46What?
13:47It's a bit of holiday bribery.
13:48I'm not exactly Bernie Madoff.
13:50No, I'm talking about our Pauline.
13:52The way you treat her.
13:54The way you try and control her.
13:56Try to control her?
13:58That's some accusation, Geoff.
14:00You came here uninvited.
14:02And after everything she said to you last night,
14:04you're still hanging around like a bad smell.
14:07Your flight wasn't cancelled.
14:09You're staying here to control my sister.
14:12And I'm not going to let that happen.
14:14There's that word again.
14:15Control.
14:17Do you mean the same way that you control your stepmother?
14:22What?
14:23Her bank account, her pension, her house.
14:26I don't know what he's talking about.
14:27So you haven't taken charge of all her savings.
14:29You don't have her pension transferred into your account every fortnight.
14:32You haven't put her house in your name.
14:35How do you know about that?
14:38I mean, what's it got to do with you?
14:41You don't understand.
14:43She asked me to do that.
14:45She knows all about it.
14:46Control.
14:48You're controlling her finances and, in turn, controlling her life.
14:52It's not true.
14:53Pauline, your sister, I beg your pardon, your stepsister,
14:57no actual relation, no legal obligation,
15:00is a recovering alcoholic.
15:02Not only am I her fiancé, I'm also her sponsor.
15:05She needs me.
15:07Yes, we have our quarrels, the occasional contretemps,
15:10zolts in her saying things in the heat of the moment,
15:13but I do not control her finances, I do not control her property,
15:18and I certainly do not control her.
15:26You bring the drinks over when they're ready.
15:32Just a beer, please.
15:33Coming up.
15:36Who is it he's on the phone to?
15:38Sharon, me dad walked over from the hotel,
15:40stopped halfway and got a phone call.
15:42He's still there.
15:43Why do you think I know more about the phone call than you?
15:45He's your dad?
15:46Yes, that makes me son.
15:47It doesn't make me telepathic.
15:49He doesn't look happy.
15:51Well, that's hardly a clue. He never does.
15:53Morning, Mum.
15:54Morning.
15:55Hey, did you catch anything when you walked past Eddie?
15:58Like what? Nits?
16:00No, did you catch anything?
16:02Like what? Nits?
16:04No, did you catch any of his conversation?
16:06No, I've heard Eddie's conversations before.
16:09I'd rather put a drill to me head.
16:15You all right, Dad?
16:16Aye, son, not bad.
16:18Do you want a bed? And have our robs?
16:20No, son, I'll be all right in this chair.
16:23Do you want a drink, Eddie?
16:25No, not for me, thanks, love.
16:28Oh, for Christ's sake, Eddie, talk about the elephant in the room,
16:31and I'm not talking about the size of you.
16:33Mum!
16:34Well, he's got to place a whole tube of preparation
16:37he couldn't sort out.
16:41What is it?
16:42It's the cream you put up your arse when you've got haemorrhoids.
16:45I'm not talking to you. Dad, what's wrong?
16:49It's Ron.
16:51Ron Pickford.
16:52What about him? Is he all right?
16:55He's dead.
17:26What are you doing?
17:30Guys!
17:31Oi!
17:34I'm not supposed to take jobs going to your dad's place.
17:36You what?
17:37Any jobs. Your dad's firm.
17:39Not for you.
17:41What's wrong with me?
17:43Well, if there are, it'd just be casual labouring.
17:46Yeah, that's what I'm interested in.
17:48Really? You'd move down south to carry bricks?
17:50I just want to start living me life.
17:53I can make a few inquiries.
17:55Nice one. Cheers.
17:59You were always there for me, Ron.
18:02Always.
18:04When I got expelled from school, you were there.
18:07When I got laid off at Pitt, you were there.
18:10When our Mary packed her bags and left me, you were there.
18:15When I fell off our roof and broke both legs looking for Channel 5,
18:19you were there.
18:20I don't know about her best mate.
18:22This Ron Pickford sounds like a bloody jinx.
18:24Loretta?
18:25Mum, for heaven's sake, the man's dead.
18:27Yeah, well, maybe now, Ed,
18:29his luck will start improving for a change.
18:32I wouldn't expect you to understand, Loretta.
18:35It's a bond between two best mates
18:37that no woman could ever fully comprehend.
18:40Try me. I've seen Brokeback Mountain.
18:43Not all the way through.
18:45I turned it over to Saturday Night Takeaway
18:47when they started bumming in the tent.
18:49But I got the gist.
18:51You disgust me.
18:52The feeling's pretty mutual, Ed, believe me.
18:55I'm mourning the loss of my best friend
18:58and you were talking about two men bumming in the tent.
19:02Shame on you.
19:05Dad?
19:07Dad?
19:11KNOCK AT DOOR
19:12Come in.
19:13Whoever it is, I hope you brought a couple of big lads.
19:16I beg your pardon?
19:17Oh, Monty, it's you.
19:20I'm sorry, I've just fired off a global.
19:23Yeah, it's always tricky in a room with no windows.
19:25Would you like me to leave the door open?
19:27Oh, no, no, no. Come in.
19:29I sent out a global, an email,
19:32asking if somebody could bring me a couple of strong boys.
19:35Really? I could come back.
19:37Oh, for goodness' sake, sit down.
19:39I'm changing my desk and some office furniture.
19:42It's all been in a basement for weeks.
19:44How are you?
19:45Oh, not bad.
19:47Almost recovered from Barcelona.
19:50I hope you haven't mentioned Barcelona to anyone.
19:53Of course I haven't.
19:55As I told you, I can't guarantee
19:57that nobody saw me crawling out of your room the next morning.
20:01My back was destroyed that night.
20:04I'm sorry you had to sleep on the floor, Monty.
20:06I'm all for a kiss and a cuddle, but...
20:09I can't share a bed.
20:11Unless I have some kind of commitment.
20:13I drove 300 miles from Benidorm.
20:16I would have thought that showed a modicum of enthusiasm.
20:19You know what I'm saying.
20:21Joyce, I don't know what you want.
20:23We've been seeing each other on and off for well over a year now.
20:26Exactly. On and off.
20:28I'm not willing to settle for the soft option.
20:31At my age, I need something rock solid.
20:33And at my age, I'll need two weeks' notice.
20:36Preferably in writing.
20:38I'm sorry?
20:40Oh, Joyce.
20:42If you don't know how I feel about you now,
20:46you never will.
20:48Oh.
20:52Ah!
20:54Oh, Mr Bersavage.
20:56My back! It's gone again!
20:58Oh, Monty.
21:00Are you sure that we're a self-help group?
21:03I mean, don't Alcoholics Anonymous all say,
21:05we're a self-help group?
21:07I mean, don't Alcoholics Anonymous all sit in a circle as well?
21:10Oh, no, I don't think they do.
21:12Or else they wouldn't be very anonymous, would they?
21:15If they could all see each other.
21:17I don't think Liam's an alcoholic.
21:19We'd know.
21:21No, the best ones are the ones you can't tell.
21:23Yeah, I know what you mean, Sam,
21:25but I'm not sure I'd describe functioning alcoholics as the best ones.
21:28Mind you, now you mention it,
21:30he has just changed to a coconut shampoo.
21:32Do you think that's to hide the smell of Malibu?
21:34I thought you heard them talking about Liam's life story.
21:37Yeah, I did.
21:39It wouldn't be enough to drive anyone to drink.
21:41Oh, poor Liam.
21:44Well, I'm giving him the rest of the week off.
21:46Hang on a minute, you can't do that. What about me?
21:48What happened to poor Liam?
21:50Yeah, what happened to poor Liam?
21:52Oh, what's happened to him now?
21:54Look, Liam is obviously coping very well with his past,
21:57and I just think we need to...
22:00You all right?
22:03What's going on?
22:05Nothing, that's it.
22:07Any luck at the cash and carry?
22:09No, they said they didn't have any left-handed combs
22:11and they've never heard of Skyhooks.
22:13Oh, never mind. I'll send them from the UK when I get back.
22:15Hang on a minute, left-handed combs?
22:17But we're all right-handed. Are we taking on new staff?
22:20Oh, you must be, er...
22:23Jacob, 11 o'clock.
22:25Hiya, Jacob. Come and sit down.
22:27Oh, no, I'll do Jacob for you.
22:29It's OK, I was expecting him.
22:31I'll fix a little rinse for you.
22:33No, no, no, you have a sit down, Liam.
22:35I don't want a sit down.
22:37I'm going to make you a lovely cup of tea.
22:39And later on, I'm going to buy you lunch in the indoor market.
22:42Fat Lenny's got lamb shanks on today.
22:44I brought a sandwich in from home.
22:46And I'm going to get you a magazine.
22:49Italian Vogue.
22:51No, you won't take a break.
22:53Oh, God, this hair's in lovely condition, Jacob.
22:56Was it Liam who did you before?
22:58Yes, it was me that did Jacob before.
23:00I always say you won't get a better cut than our Liam.
23:03Makes Weedle Sassoon look like Fred Dibner.
23:11Careful!
23:12Careful!
23:13Not too fast!
23:15Not too fast? We have taken one hour to get you here.
23:18Why did you not use a wheelchair?
23:20Because I'm not an invalid.
23:22Theo, be careful.
23:23If you had come here in the first place
23:25and was not making jiggy-jiggy in your office,
23:27none of this would have happened.
23:28Jiggy-jiggy? How dare you?
23:30Oh, it's locked again, my bag!
23:32My bag is locked again!
23:34I do not have time for this.
23:36What on earth do you think you're doing?
23:38Well, it is up to you.
23:40Would you want to be getting your new furniture today or not?
23:42What?
23:43In your office!
23:44I can't hear you!
23:45The furniture!
23:46For God's sake, will you shut up?
23:50Will you be getting it today or not?
23:52Stay teasing. I very much doubt it.
23:55Oh, the office furniture.
23:57Yes, yes, just get on with it.
23:58OK.
23:59And remember, if you need anything at all, don't call me.
24:02Call a doctor.
24:03For God's sake.
24:08Oh, God, give me strength!
24:16You can't just sit here moping.
24:18Sorry, that came out wrong.
24:21You can do what you like, obviously.
24:23What I mean is,
24:25would he want you to sit here depressed on your holidays?
24:29Ron Pickford.
24:31Hang on a minute.
24:33He didn't have a daughter, did he?
24:35Victoria, Vicky Pickford.
24:37He had nobody.
24:38Vicky Pickford.
24:40Bloody hell.
24:42I didn't learn much at school, but Vicky Pickford taught me a thing or two.
24:46Very advanced for her years, Vicky.
24:48And I don't mean in her schoolwork, unless you count biology.
24:52I'll never forget one Christmas, just before my 15th birthday,
24:56me and Vicky were in her dad's garage in his car.
24:59We started the engine to keep warm.
25:02Not that we weren't making our own efforts in that department.
25:05Anyway, Vicky's in the driving seat, in more ways than one,
25:10and she starts dragging me over onto her side of the car.
25:14Well, I must have nudged the car into gear with me knee.
25:17Anyway, Vicky's dad comes bursting into the garage,
25:20screaming blue murder.
25:21Vicky's foot goes down on the accelerator and shunts the car forward,
25:26smashing right through the garage,
25:27dumping the front of their Vauxhall Nova into her dad's koi carp pond.
25:31Meanwhile, my passenger door is jammed,
25:34and I've had to scramble out the window like jukes of acid.
25:37Vicky's dad, he started to chase me, but...
25:41he didn't stand a chance.
25:43He was a right fat bastard, Mr Pickford.
25:51Sorry, did he say he had a daughter or not?
25:56No family.
25:58No friends.
26:00Well, just me.
26:02He died three days ago.
26:04Council cremated him today in an empty church.
26:09I forgot to charge my mobile.
26:13You fancy a walk along the front?
26:16Ah.
26:18I shouldn't have to be nice.
26:24Right, Pauline and I are going to go on a walk to have our quiet time.
26:29So, both our phones will be switched off.
26:32Do you actually want to go for a walk, Pauline?
26:35As tempting as it is to sit here, listening to you farting
26:38and complaining about the quality of the daytime snacks,
26:40I think a bracing walk along the coastal road to Albi
26:43is just what the doctor ordered.
26:44Good girl.
26:45Though, who needs a doctor when you've got me to take care of you?
26:48Quite.
26:49Right, best foot forward. Hasta luego.
26:53Mother, if you do need me for any reason...
26:55Pauline.
26:56Shh.
26:57Quiet time.
26:59Come on.
27:02Unbelievable.
27:04What is?
27:05She seems happy enough.
27:07Happy?
27:08The man's a lunatic.
27:10Why?
27:11Because he wanted to go for a quiet walk.
27:14No.
27:16Because he's controlling our Pauline like a puppet on a string.
27:20Oh, I used to love Dusty Springfield.
27:24What?
27:25Like a puppet on a string.
27:29That was Sandy Shaw.
27:30No, son.
27:31I think you'll find it was Dusty Springfield.
27:35Puppet on a string, Sandy Shaw.
27:38Eurovision Song Contest winner, 1967.
27:41Why will you never be told?
27:45When you say Malcolm controls Pauline,
27:49what exactly do you mean by that?
27:53I mean he's someone who's passive-aggressive.
27:57Won't allow others to think for themselves.
27:59For never telling people that they're wrong
28:01because they're always claiming to be right.
28:03Sounds familiar.
28:09MUSIC PLAYS
28:14Nothing more exciting than labouring?
28:16No.
28:18All right, I'll ask him and he can think about it.
28:20Hang on, he just said labouring would be OK.
28:22Great. Thanks, Dad.
28:24Oh, Dad, can you pick us up on Wednesday from Luton?
28:28You're a star.
28:29My hero.
28:30See you. Love you, Dad.
28:32Also it.
28:33Amazing. Thank you so much.
28:36Thank me after your first week's work.
28:38You still live up north, don't you, Rob?
28:40Yeah.
28:41So you going to, like, relocate?
28:43It's a long way to go home for me dinner.
28:45Why don't you come and live with me?
28:47You got spare room?
28:48Yeah, Mum.
28:49Ladies and gentlemen,
28:50the three musketeers are together at last.
28:52Oh, I'll drink to that.
28:53Yes!
28:55Cheers.
28:56Hi, boys.
28:59Joey.
29:03I don't like taking sides,
29:05but you were out of order.
29:07Out of order?
29:08Me?
29:09How was I out of order?
29:11I've never bloody heard of Ron Pickford.
29:13I didn't know what he was talking about.
29:15I'm not going to go on about it.
29:16You don't have to tell me how much Eddie winds people up,
29:19but the man is mourning.
29:20He's always bloody mourning.
29:22Mourning, not moaning.
29:25So you'll apologise, then?
29:26To who?
29:27Who do you think?
29:28Well, not Ron Pickford. He's dead.
29:30Ma'am, you're doing it on purpose now.
29:32Eddie's absolutely loving this.
29:35Everybody feeling sorry for poor little Eddie.
29:38You watch.
29:39You won't be able to scratch your left tip
29:41without him mentioning Ron Pickford.
29:44Is that your left tip you're scratching?
29:47Oh, Ron Pickford had tits.
29:50Ma'am.
29:51What are you reading?
29:52Is that a paper?
29:54Ron Pickford used to read the paper.
29:57Leave it now.
29:58Oh, I just met a man called John.
30:01I was with Ron.
30:02Did I mention my friend John Pickford?
30:05He died, you know.
30:06Right, stop it now.
30:08What's going on?
30:09Nothing.
30:10Nothing's going on.
30:12Listen.
30:14Ma'am, I'm leaving university.
30:20What do you mean you're leaving university?
30:22I'm leaving university because I hate it.
30:27And I'm no good at it.
30:29And Tiger's dad's offered me a job.
30:31Doing what?
30:32Labouring on a building site.
30:34You don't go to university
30:35to get a job labouring on a building site.
30:37Exactly.
30:38That's why I'm leaving university.
30:40You just wait till your father hears about this.
30:42What's he going to do?
30:43What are you going to do?
30:44It's my life,
30:45and I'm going to live it exactly the way I want to.
30:47The way I'm living it right now,
30:49I may as well be dead.
30:52Don't you dare.
30:59I'm sorry.
31:17Two lemonade.
31:19Two orange juice.
31:21Hey, where's my 50 euros for the fresh mint today?
31:25I don't think so.
31:27Ross.
31:28No problem.
31:29I'll give the 50 euros to your boss
31:31and tell her that you've been charging people for drinks
31:33in an all-inclusive hotel.
31:35Okay, forget it.
31:36Just forget it.
31:38Hello again.
31:39Goodbye.
31:40Hang on a minute.
31:41I just wanted to apologise for earlier today.
31:44That's not a problem.
31:45Easy mistake to make.
31:46Yeah, very easy.
31:47Because you look exactly like Dennis Walker.
31:50My first shag.
31:51Charmed, I'm sure.
31:53No, I mean exactly like him.
31:55Might be 30 years, but you never forget your first, do you?
31:58Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to my family.
32:02We met in a nightclub called Rock Shots in Leeds.
32:06Dennis was a few years older than me,
32:08but he took me back to his place
32:10and we had an unforgettable night.
32:13Then in the morning, still drunk,
32:16we both went and got tattoos together.
32:19It's a charming story, but as you heard earlier,
32:23my name's Malcolm, not Dennis.
32:25I have never been to Leeds.
32:27I have no tattoos.
32:28I am not and never have been a practising homosexual.
32:32But of course, the memory of a drunken one-night stand 30 years ago
32:35clearly eclipses all of those cast-iron facts.
32:43Well?
32:45I'm sorry.
32:47I could have sworn...
32:50Sorry.
32:52Unbelievable.
32:59Everything OK?
33:01No.
33:02I've just made a complete and utter dickhead of meself.
33:12Yeah?
33:14Oh, God, Grandad's brandy. Sorry.
33:20I got a bit more information from council.
33:23Council?
33:24Yeah, about Ron Pickford's death.
33:26Oh, right.
33:27Here we go again.
33:28Shut up.
33:30He died of an asthma attack.
33:32They found him at Boremery Stairs.
33:35Loads of yell.
33:36I know.
33:37I knew his neighbours had complained about him
33:39running up and down them for hours on end.
33:42Right.
33:45Sorry, why was he doing that?
33:46He were in training for Bradford Hearth Marathon.
33:52Shall we go and sit in that other bar?
33:53There's a choir in there.
33:54No, son.
33:56I'd be better off in a livelier place.
33:59Here you go, Grandad.
34:00You sure you don't want one, Nana?
34:02Cos I'm sitting down...
34:04now.
34:05I'm fine, son.
34:06Right, brain of Britain.
34:08Let's put this to bed now.
34:10No way are you jacking in university
34:12to go and work on a building site in bloody London.
34:15It's my decision and it's not London, it's Watford.
34:18Why would anybody want to live in Watford?
34:21You worked so hard to get into university, love.
34:24You're killing your career prospects stone dead.
34:27My career prospects are dead.
34:29Believe me, dead and buried.
34:31How are they dead and buried?
34:32Doesn't matter.
34:33I just want to live a life, a real life, in the real world.
34:36On a building site in Watford?
34:38Why not?
34:39At least I wouldn't be stuck in a sweaty lecture room
34:41suffocating, fighting for breath.
34:43You've only got another two years to go.
34:45Dad.
34:46Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
34:48Actually, I will have that drink out of Robert.
34:51Oh, for God's sake, what did I say?
34:53Up and down, up and down, up and down.
34:55Are you trying to kill me?
34:59Dad.
35:02What's wrong with him?
35:03Didn't you hear?
35:04Ron Pickford's dead.
35:06Who's Ron Pickford?
35:13I'm sorry, Liam, you're having the rest of the week off
35:15and that is final.
35:16Are you sure?
35:17And you're going to need some time off
35:19because we've all chipped in and bought you a spa day
35:22at that posh wellness clinic in Albury.
35:24Oh, what's all this for?
35:26Just because we love you.
35:28Oh, I don't know what to say.
35:30OK, another round of Coca-Cola.
35:33Yes, that's right. Thank you, Matteo.
35:38Why are we all drinking Coke? I asked for Malibu.
35:41We don't need to have alcohol to have a good time.
35:45Liam...
35:47..we know everything.
35:49What do you mean?
35:50This morning, I accidentally overheard your life story.
35:54Oh, Liam, love, you know I'm not one to gossip.
35:57We all care about you so much.
36:00My life story?
36:01Yeah, and as you know from your little early-morning self-help group
36:04at Blow and Go.
36:05Early-morning self-help group?
36:07Yeah.
36:08And Blow and Go?
36:09Yeah.
36:10Oh, dear.
36:11I think you got the wrong end of the stick.
36:18Don't worry, mate, you're doing the right thing.
36:21I am, aren't I?
36:22Definitely.
36:23Neither of us went to university.
36:25Look at us.
36:28And you've definitely got a spare room I can rent?
36:31A spare room?
36:32No, mate, I ain't got a spare room.
36:35You said you did.
36:36Earlier today, I asked you if you've got a spare room
36:39and you said yes.
36:41Oh, sorry, bro, I thought you said some spare room.
36:45Some spare room?
36:46Yeah, I've got some spare room in my box room.
36:49Box room?
36:50Mate, why do you keep repeating everything he says?
36:53If you've got a box room, where is the spare room?
36:56Kind of the space above the bed.
36:59So, apart from learning to levitate,
37:02I'd be sharing a bed with you?
37:04Yeah, I suppose, but I'm cool with that.
37:06I've just got to ring my mum.
37:08Why do you have to ring your mum?
37:09Well, it's only polite. It's her house, isn't it?
37:13No, it makes total sense.
37:15I live here with you, rent out my beach front to Pop,
37:19and the money from that alone means I don't have to work.
37:22We don't have to work.
37:24Well, I mean, obviously you have to work to let us have this place here.
37:28But what I mean is...
37:30Oh, God, don't fall for it, love.
37:32He's been through half the women at the Bell Toro this morning.
37:34Sorry.
37:35Oh, God, no, not you.
37:37We're trying to have a private conversation here.
37:39Do you know this woman?
37:40No, me.
37:41He slimed around me this morning over breakfast.
37:44Breakfast?
37:45I'm surprised you've let him in here
37:47after the things he said about this hotel.
37:49What did he say?
37:50Do you mind leaving us alone?
37:52He said he wouldn't kennel his dog in here
37:55and the people who stay here are peasants.
37:57Oh!
37:58What I meant by that was...
37:59And then he offered to show me what he had
38:01and asked me if I'd go all the way.
38:03Oh, fuck!
38:04Get out!
38:05What?
38:06Get out of my hotel!
38:07Get out!
38:08Joyce, go!
38:09Oh, no!
38:12A book club?
38:13Yeah.
38:14A frigging book club?
38:15Yes.
38:16At half-past eight in the morning?
38:17Best part of the day, that.
38:19How would you know? You're always in bed at that time.
38:21That's what I mean.
38:23So we've all been running round like blue-arse flies after you
38:25and all along those two old biddies were talking about
38:27a bloody character in a book?
38:29Well, we'll take this back for a start.
38:31Hang on, what am I going to do me week off?
38:33Oh, no, I'm sorry, Liam.
38:34I'm going to have to withdraw that week off.
38:35Oh, brilliant, thanks.
38:36Sounds a fabulous book, though.
38:39Oh, that main character goes through some stuff, doesn't he?
38:43Oh, it's amazing.
38:44It's ages since I lost myself in a novel like this.
38:47Donald was once the main character in a book.
38:50Oh, really?
38:51What kind of book?
38:53Pop-up.
38:54It was withdrawn from circulation in the end.
38:58If you opened it too quickly, it almost had your eye out.
39:05Oh, hello, is that reception?
39:07Oh, hiya, Nev.
39:08Listen, love, I was wondering if you could do a little favour for me.
39:15To Malcolm and Pauline.
39:18To Malcolm and Pauline.
39:20I'm sorry.
39:22I still don't know how we've come from last night to this.
39:25You've never been in a committed relationship, have you, Geoff?
39:28Yes, I have, actually.
39:29I mean, one that you could time with a calendar
39:31as opposed to a stopwatch.
39:33Had a girlfriend, did you?
39:35Rubella.
39:36You know her.
39:38It would appear I owe you an apology, Geoff.
39:40I met her on the internet.
39:43You saw her for a good two or three days, didn't you?
39:47Ah, apology retracted.
39:50Listen to me.
39:51No, you listen to me.
39:54It's quite clear this family lacks a figurehead.
39:57Now, I like you, Geoff, really, I do,
39:59but you're not a born leader.
40:02You're a follower, an auxiliary, an aide-de-camp, if you will.
40:07But I feel, in time, as we become more comfortable with one another
40:12as a family, with patience and faith,
40:16we can be as one.
40:18One life.
40:20One love.
40:22All right, Bob Marley, before you get too carried away,
40:25I think we should hear what our Pauline has to say about all this.
40:30Relationships are difficult.
40:32Yeah, yeah.
40:33And yesterday, I was in a bad place,
40:37but today, today I see things more clearly.
40:41Good girl.
40:42Will you stop interrupting her?
40:45Malcolm.
40:49I need someone to help me with not only my sobriety
40:52but my overall well-being.
40:54I need someone I can rely on.
40:57I need someone I can respect.
41:01But, above all, I need someone I trust.
41:05And I've decided, after much thought,
41:10that person...
41:15..is you.
41:19Pauline.
41:21Come here. Come on.
41:23Come with me.
41:28MUSIC CONTINUES
41:33Hang on a minute.
41:35Oh, Christ, what do you want now?
41:37I never said it was a one-night stand.
41:39What?
41:40When I told you I thought you were Dennis Walker from Leeds,
41:43I told you Dennis was my first shag.
41:45I didn't say it was a one-night stand.
41:47How did you know that if you're not Dennis Walker?
41:49I refuse to dignify this ludicrous accusation with an answer.
41:53Why not?
41:54Cos the man is clearly deranged. I mean, look how he's dressed.
41:56I think you look smashing.
41:58Thank you. You're welcome.
42:00Pauline, I think we're due a little quiet time.
42:05All right.
42:07If you're not Dennis Walker from Leeds,
42:09my first shag from 30 years ago,
42:11you won't have a tattoo like this on your bum.
42:14Oh!
42:15But with Kenneth across it.
42:17Pauline, we're leaving. This is preposterous.
42:20No, you're not. I'll take your text out.
42:22I beg your pardon? You heard him.
42:24If you're Malcolm Barrett, then show us your arse.
42:26Is that a way you can prove that you're not lying?
42:28I'm sorry, are you just going to stand there
42:30and let these people behave like animals?
42:32More drinks, anyone?
42:34Tonight's special cocktail is a mojito,
42:36as we have so much fresh mint.
42:38We can settle this very easily.
42:40You say his name is Dennis... Walker.
42:42He says he's Malcolm Barrett.
42:44Go and get your passport. This is pure farce.
42:46Go and get your passport.
42:48Actually, love, there's no need.
42:50Neville, did you get a copy of this gentleman's passport
42:52Yes, I did, Kenneth.
42:54The name of the passport is Malcolm Barrett.
42:56Thank you. Now can we please get on with our evening?
42:58But people can change their names.
43:00Heavens above.
43:02Look, mistaken identity is one thing,
43:04but now you are becoming a menace.
43:06Just walk away and leave us in peace.
43:11You've made a mistake, love.
43:14Just go and sit down.
43:16Stay right where you are.
43:18I'm sorry?
43:20I'm not talking to you.
43:22You can change your name.
43:24You can't change where you're born.
43:26Name?
43:28Malcolm Barrett.
43:30Place of birth?
43:32Leeds, West Yorkshire.
43:34Get up in!
43:36Somebody call the police!
43:38Get off me!
43:40Hold him!
43:46Malcolm!
43:48Dennis, you mean?
43:50Get off me!
43:54Pauline, I can explain everything.
43:56You're nothing but a fake.
43:58A complete fake!
44:00Pauline, think about it.
44:02Who do you believe?
44:04Them?
44:06Sorry.
44:08Sorry, pal.
44:10This fell out of your pocket
44:12while we were pulling your kegs down.
44:14Pretty strong stuff.
44:16A bit of tea's hot, eh?
44:22Get out of this hotel.
44:26Get out of this country.
44:28And get out of my life!
44:30I told you.
44:46I never forget a face.
44:48Especially one I've sat on.
44:50Well,
44:52what do we do now?
44:56We go on, Mother.
44:58It's what we do.
45:00We go on.
45:20I guess I think you should go
45:22and love yourself.
45:50You
45:52You