• 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30Good morning, son.
00:35Yes, mother. It certainly is.
00:38You got your flip-top back?
00:40Laptop.
00:41That's it.
00:42Got it back last night after our games night.
00:45Did that young lad manage to fix it for you?
00:48Yep. Found out last night I'd picked up a virus.
00:51My inbox had been hacked to bits.
00:53Oh, son, what have I told you about going into that old town?
00:58No, a computer virus.
01:01Anyway, my name has been cleared and I am in receipt of a full apology.
01:05Oh, that's a nice.
01:07An email from Barry Stent, a.k.a. The Grand Wizard.
01:12Dear Mr Maltby, after careful consideration of the facts...
01:16Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
01:18Here we go.
01:20It is my very great pleasure to clear you of all wrongdoing
01:24and reinstate you with the Quizmaster title second only to The Grand Wizard.
01:30Congratulations, brother. You are, once again...
01:37The Oracle.
01:39Oh, well done, son. I am pleased.
01:43Justice has prevailed, mother.
01:45Smashing. Are you going to have a bit of breakfast?
01:48You know, when they asked Nelson Mandela about his time in prison
01:52he said, I went on a long holiday for 27 years.
01:56I think I know what he meant.
01:58We're only booked in till Friday, love.
02:01No, what I mean is...
02:09Begging your pardon?
02:11Oh, Pauline, love, what is that smell?
02:14Drain cleaner. I had a slight contretemps with the bidet this morning.
02:19Mistook it for the lavatory.
02:22In the long run, I think you'll find Mr Woo's takeaway
02:25is not the bargain the price would initially suggest.
02:29Pauline, are you feeling OK?
02:32You look like you've gone 12 rounds with Frank Bruno.
02:3612 rounds of tequila, more like.
02:39Oh, don't be ridiculous.
02:41I'm merely suffering from a mild bout of hay fever.
02:44Hey, there is no self-service for alcohol.
02:47I beg your pardon? I see you taking spirits.
02:50The bar is not open until after breakfast.
02:53If you need alcohol so early in the morning,
02:55the supermarket is open for the alcoholics at 8am.
02:58How dare you? I've been by as a drone for the last 18 months.
03:04You have your warning.
03:08Oh, Pauline, and you were doing so well.
03:17OK, I won't keep you long.
03:19Crystal Hennessey Vass in all her infinite wisdom
03:21has decided that wristbands are a thing of the past.
03:24So, as of today, we'll be rolling out a new system of bar-coded ID cards,
03:30just like this one here.
03:32So, is there anyone present who is au fait with this latest technology?
03:38Why are these au fait? No idea.
03:41Anyone good with computers?
03:43Do you want me to get on the blower to baby Jesus?
03:46Remember, it was him who showed me how to use the hotel computer.
03:50And how old is he again?
03:52Nine.
03:54I think not. You can stay behind, Les.
03:56Let's hope baby Jesus taught you well.
03:58Amber, you're on posters and leaflets.
04:02Of course, no problem.
04:03The rest of you be sure to explain the situation delicately.
04:07Our guests do not like change.
04:09We once tried to introduce a fair use policy on alcohol.
04:14It's like the Brixton Riots.
04:16OK, vamos.
04:28Morning, campers. Late night, Kenner.
04:30No, it was a very early one.
04:32After I woke up in net machines,
04:33I went to the intimate bar in the old town for some karaoke.
04:36They worry about me if I don't give them my little white bull at least once a week.
04:39I was in net by three.
04:40So, are you ready for a full day in the salon?
04:42A new start after our little disagreement?
04:44Absolutely.
04:45But you can't.
04:46What?
04:48Spanish workmen are letting me down and the salon isn't ready.
04:52Told you.
04:53The only deadline them Spanish builders have worked to is mañana.
04:56Because you know about mañana, it never comes.
04:59Donald and I once knew a Spanish builder like that.
05:03I had to hire a wheelchair.
05:07So, anyway, looks like you've got another day off.
05:09Oh, no, not me, love.
05:11I'm like a coiled spring.
05:13Why don't we put the nail bar out here?
05:15You what?
05:16Next to the pool.
05:17I suggested it once to Liam, but with his fair skin,
05:19more than 20 minutes in the sun,
05:21he ends up looking like Carrie on prom night.
05:24Right, if I'm going to do a full day's work,
05:26I better bulk up on carbs.
05:28More toast.
05:42MUSIC FADES
05:55Do you have any idea how this game works, then?
05:57Not a clue, mate.
05:59All I know is that the prawns move sideways.
06:01Right, is she even looking?
06:04Yeah. She's coming.
06:06OK, do what I do.
06:08Nice try, Joseph. Not this time, though, me old friend.
06:11Nice try, Joseph. Not this time.
06:13You, you dickhead.
06:15Just answer me.
06:17HE CLEARS THROAT
06:18Yeah, sorry about that, Joseph.
06:20I thought that strong opening would fox you.
06:22Yeah, geez, I tried to jump your prawn,
06:24but you was like, boom, take that, bitch!
06:26Yes, you'll have to wake up pretty early in the morning
06:29to see that manoeuvre past me, old boy.
06:31Yeah, bruv, you were, like, totally owning me.
06:33I got to step my shit up, innit?
06:35I think you could say that.
06:36Hey, boys. Oh, wow.
06:38Playing chess, I love it.
06:40Now, if I can just avoid your fox
06:44and get my horsey to eat your prawn,
06:48I think it might be time to get the check, mate.
06:54Here's a leaflet about new ID cards.
06:57If you need any help reading it, let me know.
07:03What, bruv?
07:07What?
07:10I can't hear you.
07:11He wants you to apologise for last night.
07:14Oh, apologise for what?
07:16Making a swift recovery?
07:18I didn't realise good health were a crime.
07:21Good health? One minute you're on death's door,
07:23the next you've been thrown from a booking bronco
07:25with a liver full of tequila.
07:27Very good for cauterising pain, alcohol.
07:29Anyway, if I hadn't have gone on that booking bronco,
07:33I wouldn't have won these, would I?
07:35Champagne brunch for two at the Three Seasons.
07:38You went on a booking bronco?
07:40Aye, and I won.
07:42In fairness, it were over 65's category.
07:45The only other one was this old Spanish lass.
07:47I tried to warn her against going on a booking bronco
07:50with a colostomy bag, but she were having none of it.
07:53What kind of bag, Grandad?
07:55Well, basically, it's a great big bag of...
07:57Never mind, darling.
07:59Anyway, I thought these might be a way of making up for last night.
08:04A way of making up for slightly exaggerating my illness.
08:08Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.
08:10No worries, kid. Rob, Johnny, have a great time.
08:13Dad!
08:15I'm only messing with you.
08:17Oh, come on, Sharon, love.
08:19I look after kids.
08:21I've just had my breakfast, thank you.
08:23Come on, they'll be nice. Worth it just for the champagne.
08:26Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.
08:28It's not all greasy bacon and eggs like this place.
08:31They do fruit and all that diet stuff that you like.
08:50Your mother's upset that you've started drinking again.
08:53What are you talking about?
08:55This is pineapple juice.
08:57Nature's candy.
08:59What's the matter with your head?
09:01How dare you?
09:02It's nearly the time of year my sinuses are blocked.
09:07Give us that here.
09:08What are you doing?
09:09It's not good for you.
09:10Get off, it's part of my favourite day!
09:12Just give us it here!
09:13You're spilling it!
09:19Ah, perfect timing, my good man.
09:22One more pineapple juice
09:24and another portion of your splendid nuts.
09:30So, after you've checked their room number and their passport,
09:34you input their name here
09:37and you take their photo with this desk-mounted camera.
09:41You see? Simple.
09:43Easy. An idiot could do it.
09:45Well, that was the general idea.
09:47But make sure the photo is exactly like this one.
09:50No looking off to the side,
09:52no cutting off the top of the head or one of their numerous chins.
09:56It must be framed exactly like this one.
09:59Understood.
10:00Marvellous. See you later.
10:02Mrs Templer-Savage, I can't do this now.
10:04I'm due a few hours off.
10:06I beg your pardon?
10:08You agreed to it last week, for personal reasons.
10:11Well, I'm sorry, Les, but we're short-staffed as it is
10:15and I've got a meeting with my financial advisor at...
10:18Anyway, it's not in the book.
10:21I know, I should have put it in the book, but you said don't bother.
10:25Really?
10:26Yes, I remember because you said your mind is like a tied prison.
10:30Once something goes in, it never comes out.
10:33HE CHUCKLES
10:35No, I'm sorry, Les, we're run off our feet.
10:37Mrs Templer-Savage, I wouldn't normally insist,
10:40but I'm actually having laser eye surgery.
10:43The old peepers aren't what they used to be
10:45and it's all booked in.
10:47What happened to you?
10:49Just another day in the bin of the loonies.
10:51I'm sorry, Les, there's nothing I can do.
10:54The rules are there for a reason.
10:56Without them, we descend into chaos.
10:59You must see that.
11:01I can hardly see anything, that's why I booked the appointment.
11:07Hey, Matthew, you got a minute?
11:09What do you want?
11:10Let me teach you to use this, quick.
11:15Well, hey there.
11:16Well, hey there yourself, what can I get you?
11:19I'd like one tequila sunrise.
11:21So, don't you think you're a bit young for tequila?
11:23Oh, it ain't for me.
11:25I want to surprise my granddaddy with it.
11:27Over there.
11:28Excuse me, my dear.
11:30Won't you have a moment?
11:32You pop a small, large vodka in there, will you?
11:34No ice.
11:35Well, excuse me, you might have noticed there's a line.
11:40Oh, so sorry, madam.
11:42Please, after you.
11:44I'm sorry, darling, but I can't serve you.
11:47You're just too itty-bitty small for alcohol.
11:50Beg your pardon?
11:51Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.
11:53I'm not talking about my drink.
11:55I refer to your appalling, bare-faced racism.
11:58Racism?
11:59Our diminutive American cousin may be a dwarf,
12:03but that doesn't exclude her from enjoying her holiday.
12:06I ain't no dwarf.
12:07Sorry.
12:08Of course.
12:09Midget.
12:11Tell me, did you have many relatives
12:14in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
12:17I ain't no dwarf or no midget.
12:19I'm just a little person.
12:21Exactly.
12:22You're a person.
12:24And I will not stand by and have you discriminated against
12:27by Miss Tits and Teeth 1993 here.
12:31You do realise she's not actually a...
12:33No, young lady, it is you who doesn't realise.
12:37Now, two very small, large vodka and pineapples,
12:43or I'll have your badge.
12:46I'm Pauline, by the way.
12:48Charmed. I'm Jodie.
12:50So nice to meet a kindred spirit.
12:53I don't know if you've noticed,
12:55but there is quite an odd element in the local clientele.
12:59Stupid is as stupid does.
13:01Exactly.
13:03I couldn't have put it better myself.
13:05By the way, you're going to need to exchange your wristbands
13:08for an ID card and reception, if that's OK?
13:11Oh, quit your jibber-jabber.
13:13To coin an old Chaucerian saying,
13:16Lady, you're really beginning to get on my tits.
13:22Yes, please.
13:24Please, take a seat.
13:28Tell me, from which part of the New World do you hail?
13:35Sure, the main thing is to get the photo exactly like this one.
13:41OK, no problem. So where are you going?
13:44Oh, did I not tell you? I've booked in for an operation.
13:47Operation?
13:49Corrective surgery.
13:51Really?
13:53Oh, yeah. I've always wanted to get it done.
13:56I can't go on like this.
13:58Does Liam know you are doing this?
14:00He was the one that suggested it.
14:03Madre mía.
14:07And you will be away for a long time?
14:09No, you're in and out these days, pal.
14:11I'll be back in a couple of hours.
14:13How can this be?
14:14I'll use a laser.
14:17A laser?
14:18Aye, they're quick, painless.
14:21Whoa!
14:22Just like that, and your life changes forever.
14:26Exactly. 1,500 euros,
14:28and I'll be seeing things clearly for the first time in years.
14:33So, am I all right to get off, then?
14:35Of course. Anything you need.
14:37I am here for you.
14:38Oh, thanks, pal.
14:40You're a mate.
14:43Goodbye, Les.
14:46Tonight you will be Leslie, yes?
14:48Already sure.
14:51And I will love you just as much, brother.
14:54I mean, sister.
14:56Aye, Captain.
14:59I'll see you later.
15:08Now, that is a crime.
15:11Excuse me?
15:13A beautiful woman, sitting all on her own,
15:16with nothing but the Spanish sun for company.
15:19My friends are here.
15:21They're just a bit busy at the moment.
15:23Well, why don't I sit and keep you company till they come back, eh?
15:28Oh.
15:29Are you all right? I can leave you in peace if you want.
15:32Oh, no, I'm sorry.
15:34It's just that was my husband's sunbed.
15:37Bloody hell, you could have said.
15:39No, I meant when we used to come here together.
15:45He recently passed away.
15:47Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.
15:49Still, I bet last thing he'd want is for you to be lonely.
15:53Yeah, you're right there.
15:55I bet he's looking down on you now,
15:58seeing you with a handsome fella next to you.
16:01Yeah, a big smile on his face.
16:03Yeah.
16:04To be honest, that's what he liked to do when he was alive.
16:09Excuse me, guys,
16:10I just need to ask you to make your way to reception at some point today
16:14for new ID cards, if that's OK?
16:16No problem, darling.
16:18Hello?
16:20Shop!
16:22One and a half very thirsty people over here.
16:26When you have a moment, obviously.
16:29When you have a moment, obviously.
16:39Are you absolutely sure she's drunk?
16:43Mother, she's on the bar doing the breaststroke.
16:46I think she's just a bit giddy about the hot weather.
16:50Don't be fooled, Mother.
16:52It may be sunny now, but there's a storm on its way.
16:56And this one is the bishop.
16:58He can move any number of squares.
17:00Like the queen?
17:01No, any number of squares diagonally.
17:03Like the queen?
17:04No.
17:05Let him finish, man.
17:06Any number of squares diagonally, but he can't jump over the pieces.
17:10OK, so how come the king, who is, like, the king,
17:14can only move one space?
17:16Is he, like, disabled?
17:18Because, mate, if you ask me, he's no better off than a prawn,
17:21and that can't be right.
17:25Hey, Jodie, you all right?
17:27Yeah, can I get my nails done?
17:28They said they would do it for free,
17:30but I have to ask my mum, but she's not here.
17:32I reckon so.
17:34Is my grandad looking after you?
17:36Yeah, I've been talking to Pauline.
17:38Well, when you've had your nails done,
17:40make sure you go back to grandad.
17:42All right.
17:44OK, so how do you remember which thing does what?
17:47Look, it's probably easier if we have a game
17:49and you can learn it as you go along.
17:51Nice one, Brav. Do you want to play for money?
17:54Yeah.
17:57OK, next one, please. Keep it moving.
18:00Oh, it's you.
18:02Now, I would like one very small large vodka and pineapple juice,
18:07half a lager...
18:08Wait!
18:09This is not a bar.
18:11What do you mean it's not a bar?
18:13Who the dickens are all these people queuing for?
18:16No! No!
18:18Give it back, I say!
18:19Shut up, you crazy woman.
18:21This is instead of your wristband.
18:24Would you beg your pardon?
18:25What is your room number?
18:27Sorry?
18:28What is your room number?
18:30Just a moment.
18:32I may have had one or two sherbets,
18:34but you won't find me easy pickings.
18:37I just need your room number.
18:39Quite persistent, aren't you?
18:45Room 625.
18:48Any time after midnight.
18:53Cheers.
18:54Cheers.
18:57See how thoughtful my dad is?
18:59Mm.
19:00He's just a bit eccentric.
19:02He always has been.
19:03Yeah, that's the word.
19:05Eccentric.
19:06I know he puts on a brave face, but this divorce has hit him hard.
19:09Can you imagine starting a new life when you're nearly 70?
19:12He's not nearly 70. He's 66.
19:15Well, that's not far off.
19:17It's very far off.
19:19Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
19:22Like, 47 is miles away from...
19:25The next big number, you don't have to say it.
19:27Hey, hey, don't be shy.
19:29You know my feelings about being with a slightly more mature woman.
19:35Do you want to drink the rest of that champagne or wear it?
19:38Right, let's finish this and have a walk up the prom.
19:41I want to see about getting you one of them mobility scooters.
19:44I'm joking, I'm joking!
19:47Gracias.
19:49Ooh, champagne.
19:51Are we celebrating?
19:53Yes, of course, Joyce.
19:55We have to toast your new home.
19:59Oh, Monty.
20:01I didn't mention it when I left a message on your phone,
20:04but I didn't get it.
20:07Oh.
20:08I think they'll take the champagne back if you haven't touched it.
20:11Don't worry about that.
20:12It came free with a voucher I won a few nights ago.
20:15That was clever of you.
20:17Not really.
20:19I've still got the bruises to prove it.
20:21Bruises?
20:23Never mind.
20:25Well, that was a bit of a waste,
20:27me pulling all those strings to get your mortgage increased.
20:30Well, maybe not.
20:32I've also come into a bit of money.
20:34Oh, really?
20:3515,000 euros.
20:3815,000 euros?!
20:41Joyce, you're not back on the scratch cards again, are you?
20:43No, of course not.
20:44So what I was thinking was,
20:46with the 15,000 and the 150,000 mortgage,
20:50I can afford one of your villas.
20:53My villas?
20:54Oh, yes, the, um...
20:56Where is it?
20:57The leaflet that you gave me a few weeks ago.
21:00Oh!
21:01Oh, those.
21:02Well, we could go and see them,
21:04cos I don't have to be back at the Salona for a couple of hours.
21:07Joyce, can I be frank with you?
21:09Of course you can be frank.
21:11These are not the sort of houses that you sell to a friend.
21:15And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.
21:18So do I, Frank.
21:19Oh, Monty.
21:21A friend I'd like to get to know more.
21:25How much more?
21:27Well, it's been a slow burn, but I realised it this morning.
21:32Every time we're about to meet, signs are all there.
21:35The best tie comes out of the drawer.
21:38The careful trimming of the moustache in the mirror.
21:40An extra squirt of high karate.
21:43A squirt of what?
21:45It's an aftershave.
21:47Oh.
21:48So, you're asking me on a date?
21:51That's right.
21:53I'm asking you to go on a date.
21:55My answer is yes, Monty.
21:57I'd love to go on a date with you.
21:59Oh, wonderful.
22:01Something I didn't mention, because I'm not one to gloat,
22:05but I am a gold card holder for Mr Wu's buffet
22:08just off the Mediterraneo.
22:11Well, we could meet at the Solana and decide from there.
22:14Yes, of course.
22:16I mean, a woman of your breeding deserves the very best.
22:20A la carte, Mr Wu's.
22:22Oh, yes.
22:23Chips and rice tonight, Joyce.
22:25Chips and rice.
22:29MUSIC PLAYS
22:38Hey, Mateo, how's the ID card thing going?
22:41Everything is under the control.
22:43It is all about relegation.
22:45You mean delegation.
22:47Is what I'm saying.
22:48Another very small, large vodka and pineapple juice, if you please.
22:54I don't understand. All of this is just more work.
22:57It's quite clever.
22:59It keeps track of who's eating and drinking what.
23:01Also means we don't have to stop take either.
23:03We're running low or something. Just flashes up.
23:06Look, can I just borrow your card?
23:09I may as well have a very small...
23:12Very small, large berries while you're at it.
23:15I've developed quite a sweet tooth today for some reason.
23:19And now we press enter and it should tell us
23:22how many drinks the guest has had today.
23:25Oof. 842.
23:28It's gone.
23:29Well, that can't be right.
23:31It says here she has had 842 drinks.
23:34Don't forget, I had quite a large breakfast.
23:38Show me the card.
23:40Why does her card have a picture of Joyce on it?
23:43This is correct.
23:45Why does her card have a picture of Joyce on it?
23:48This is correct, no?
23:50No.
23:53Excuse me, can I just have a look at your cards?
23:58Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.
24:01OK, listen. Before Les went for his sex change,
24:04he say, Mateo, print the cards exactly like this one.
24:08You can ask him when he gets back.
24:10I mean, you can ask her when she gets back.
24:14Oh, my God.
24:16Do they not know about his operation?
24:20It was a shock for me too.
24:29Then that were it.
24:3140 years' marriage down the drain.
24:34Oh, I am sorry.
24:36Yes, I admit I was wrong to stray.
24:39But a man has his needs, if you don't mind me saying so.
24:42Oh, no, you can say what you like with me.
24:45Then as Mary got older,
24:47well, just let's say her appetite diminished
24:51and she didn't exactly start off starving hungry.
24:55I've always thought of sex as a dinner party.
24:58As long as all the guests are invited,
25:01you can go ahead and make a right old pig of yourself.
25:06Eddie, can I have a squirt of your cream?
25:10Oh, I feel like a sausage that hasn't been pricked.
25:14You what?
25:15My back. I'm burning up.
25:18Oh, aye. Do you want me to do it for you?
25:21Oh, yes.
25:27Right. Jungle Red. Here we go.
25:31Oh, my God, check the date on that bottle.
25:33I've never smelt a polish so strong.
25:35Haven't opened it yet.
25:38Oh! Oh, my God.
25:41I was thinking, Judy, two young single women like ourselves,
25:46maybe we should hit the town later.
25:49Well, I'm here with my mum, so I'd have to ask her.
25:52Tell me, is your mother a short person as well?
25:56I mean, does it run in the family?
25:58Like being ginger?
26:00Can you keep your hand still, please?
26:02The look we're going for is 50s glamour,
26:04not like you've been gutting a rabbit.
26:06My mum's really tall.
26:08Say that again.
26:10My mum's really tall.
26:12Do you know, it's fascinating,
26:14but you've slipped out of your American accent.
26:17Oddly enough, I was in South Africa and picked up a twang there.
26:21It's ebbed away the last few years, thank God.
26:24Do you know, at times I sounded almost off your nose.
26:30Can you believe that?
26:32Ah! Perfect timing.
26:34Same again for me and my little friend here.
26:37We'll have a margarita.
26:39For tonight we hit the town.
26:42I'm sorry, we're not serving you any more.
26:45I thought this was supposed to be all inclusive.
26:47We're not serving you any more alcohol.
26:49Fine.
26:51Then just two very large margaritas for my good friend Judy.
26:57She hasn't had half the alcohol I've had.
26:59I beg your pardon?
27:01This young lady's been served no alcohol whatsoever.
27:05I've been drinking all afternoon with this splendid woman
27:09and I can assure you she's been knocking back the vodkas
27:12like a Russian soldier.
27:14What?
27:16She can drink as well as the next man.
27:19As long as the next man is Paul Gascoigne.
27:22What is going on here?
27:24Hiya. What was your champagne brunch like?
27:26I'll champagne brunch you in a minute.
27:28Where's your grandad?
27:30Are you Judy's mother?
27:32She said you were very tall.
27:34Who the friggin' hell are you?
27:36I'm Judy's new drinking partner.
27:38We've had quite the day, haven't we, darling?
27:42Oh!
27:44Oh, Pauline.
27:46Wow.
27:48Come on, let's get you inside.
27:50It's going to be all right.
27:52Everything's going to be all right.
27:55Oh!
27:59Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy?
28:05Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this intervention.
28:09From my sister Pauline, who's an alcoholic.
28:12Not true.
28:14Pauline, it's OK.
28:16It's time to face your demons.
28:18No, I mean, I'm not your sister, am I? Technically speaking.
28:22What's bringing that up now?
28:24Come on, Pauline, love, play nice.
28:26We're trying to help you.
28:28I'm not being funny, pal, but what's this got to do with us?
28:31An important part of the process is Pauline apologising
28:35to the people she's hurt.
28:37So I'd like to ask Sharon if she'd heard some of the grievances, please.
28:42Right.
28:44I'm going to try and stay calm.
28:46Basically, I go out for two hours and I come back
28:48to find my seven-year-old daughter sitting with this lunatic
28:51asking her through a curly straw.
28:53In my defence, I did think your daughter was a midget.
28:56What?
28:57Sorry, I mean, a little person.
28:59Hang on, hang on.
29:00We've established Jodie wasn't served alcohol at any time.
29:03Yeah, don't you think you're taking this a bit seriously?
29:06Seriously? Of course I'm taking it seriously.
29:08I asked you to look after my child for one morning, Eddie.
29:11Anything could have happened.
29:12OK, folks, we're here for Pauline.
29:14I'm not here for Pauline.
29:16I'm here to find out exactly what happened to my daughter
29:18while I was away.
29:19I was away having a champagne brunch.
29:21Aha! Now we're getting somewhere.
29:23Well, what's that got to do with anything?
29:25Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
29:29You what? Listen, you!
29:30Sharon, just sit down!
29:31Guys, guys, I think we're getting a bit sidetracked.
29:34Maybe we should try to speak one at a time.
29:37Yeah.
29:38We'll use this as a talking stick.
29:41Pauline, I think you should go first.
29:44What's this?
29:45We're using it as a talking stick.
29:50SIREN WAILS
29:53No, I can't hear anything.
29:55Oh, this is ridiculous.
29:57Sorry to interrupt, love.
29:58I'm only here to find out who's paying for their nails.
30:00I'm going.
30:01This woman has wasted enough of my time already.
30:05Sorry.
30:07Right, who wants a beer?
30:10We can't have alcohol.
30:12There's supposed to be an intervention.
30:15Mum?
30:17Mum!
30:18Oh, I'm sorry, love, I was just resting me eyes.
30:22They're ordering drinks from the bar.
30:24Oh, right.
30:26I'll have a sherry, please.
30:28Nice and dry.
30:29OK, love.
30:38Everything ship-shape and Bristol fashion?
30:41Just another regular day.
30:43Very good. Are all the ID cards working?
30:46The ID card's been distributed.
30:48Wonderful. I knew you'd be OK.
30:51Amber, I've been speaking to head office
30:54about the possibility of an assistant manager's position.
30:57How does that sound?
30:59Oh, wow, that sounds great. Thank you.
31:02I know you've only just joined us,
31:04but I like to think that I have an eye for talent.
31:09Chips and rice, Amber.
31:12Chips and rice.
31:16Chips and rice.
31:26There we go, darling.
31:28Snug as a bug in a rug.
31:31Oh, Pauline, we're all worried about you now.
31:35Big fuss over nothing.
31:37It's OK to have a cold beer with your lunch
31:41and a glass of wine with your tea
31:44and a Bloody Mary with breakfast.
31:47But when you're getting through a couple of bottles of mouthwash
31:52to get you out of bed in the morning,
31:55you've gone too far.
31:57But, Mummy, it makes my breath feel minty fresh.
32:01I know it does, love.
32:03And believe me,
32:05I can be an absolute pig with the eggnog at Christmas.
32:11But I just think we need to get you some professional help.
32:16Whatever you say.
32:18And try to be nicer to Geoff, for my sake, if nothing else.
32:23I know he's not your real brother,
32:26but he cares about you.
32:28That's not true.
32:29It is, love.
32:31He cares about you so much.
32:34No, I mean, regardless of parentage,
32:39he'll always be my brother.
32:51Come on, son.
33:05I'm sorry, but I don't see how you have cause for complaint.
33:08Don't you think you have a responsibility
33:10not to serve so much alcohol to one person?
33:12They can't tell a seven-year-old child from a midget.
33:15Madam, this is very dumb.
33:17If we stopped serving alcohol to everyone who was drunk,
33:20my staff would be sitting twiddling their thumbs all day.
33:23You ever know the last of this?
33:25Of course not. That would be madness.
33:28I haven't got away with that.
33:31Maybe I should cancel my night off.
33:33No! I mean, why would you do that?
33:36We've got everything under control here.
33:39Where's Les? I haven't seen him since I got back.
33:41We were a bit short-staffed at the kids' club today.
33:44He's probably hanging up his Dickie Donut costume as we speak.
33:48I'm probably putting on another equally ridiculous costume after that.
33:54Are you OK?
33:55Are you going anywhere nice this evening?
33:57Amber, I'm not stupid. What are you trying to hide?
34:00My darling Joyce.
34:01Oh, my God, when did he get here?
34:04There comes a time in every man's life
34:06when he has to ask himself what's really important.
34:10And since I met you, I find myself asking,
34:13do I need a fast car, the fancy apartment?
34:17Do I need the flashy jewellery and the expensive clothes?
34:21And the answer to these questions is, yes, obviously.
34:27But what's the point in having them if I've got nobody to share them with?
34:31I mean, naturally, all those things can be enjoyed by a single person.
34:35Of course they can. Get on with it.
34:40My point is this, I've made some wrong choices in my life
34:44and I've not always liked the person I've turned out to be.
34:48But you, Joyce, you make me feel brand new.
34:54My love, I'll never find the words, my love
35:03To tell you how I feel, my love
35:10Mere words could not explain
35:17Looking forward to a nice evening off, Miss Temple Savage?
35:20Looking forward to a nice evening off, Miss Temple Savage?
35:24Precious love
35:27I hope this isn't going to be one of them dreary nights
35:29full of people whining crappy old love songs to each other.
35:32Any more of this and I'm going to have to put my name down for Sweet Caroline.
35:35Oh, not Sweet Caroline.
35:37I know, Jacqueline, awful song. But look, we're at breaking point.
35:41If someone doesn't give this crowd a chorus they can sing along to soon,
35:44the peasants will be revolting.
35:46I mean, more revolting than they are already.
35:48They're not all revolting.
35:52Oh, yeah?
35:54What's the score with you and Captain Birdseye?
35:56Oh, just a bit of flirting. Makes the world go round.
36:00Grand total?
36:01€138.50.
36:04Just shows a little innovation can go a long way.
36:07Oh, for God's sake, calm down, will you?
36:09Those two plastic chairs and umbrella
36:11wouldn't exactly get them jizzing on Dragon's Den.
36:16What's this?
36:17A pop-up nail bar.
36:18And Jacqueline is our sleeping partner.
36:20I've sent a bottle of carver up to your room.
36:22I know you like a nightcap.
36:23Oh, why don't we have another one here
36:25and then I'll go up and drink a toast to blow and go.
36:29Oh, there's a lovely view of the cross from my balcony.
36:34Now that's what I call good business.
36:39And sometimes babies.
36:42Without you
36:47Life has no meaning or rhyme
36:52Hello?
36:53Like notes to a song
36:55I'm sorry, Crystal, I can hardly hear you.
37:00Yes, there is a terrible noise this end.
37:06I'll call you from the office in ten minutes.
37:12Yes.
37:14For God bless me.
37:16With you.
37:19How do you mean she doesn't know?
37:21Every card has her face on it.
37:23Look, the real responsibility is here.
37:25Ask him yourself. I mean, ask her yourself.
37:28Oh, I'm sorry I was so long.
37:30I kind of misjudged the recovery time.
37:32Leslie, I can't believe you're back on your feet so quickly
37:36after such a major operation.
37:38Oh, it's like a conveyor belt up there in Village Yossa.
37:42The doctor was telling me it does about 20 patients a day.
37:46And you have to go back for them to do your voice, obviously.
37:50Temple Savage hasn't missed me, has she?
37:52No, we covered for you.
37:54We've still got to sort these out.
37:56What's wrong? Oh, you didn't mess them up, did you?
37:59I told you to do them exactly like that.
38:01And he did.
38:03What?
38:04It's all right. Joyce has tonight off
38:06and she's not in until tomorrow afternoon.
38:08There's loads of blank cards left.
38:10We can do them all again tomorrow morning.
38:13Did you keep the receipt for your sex change, Leslie?
38:15I think they made one boobie bigger than the other.
38:17Sex change?
38:19What are you talking about, man?
38:21I've had me eyes lasered, you daft bugger.
38:26I knew this operation was for her eyes.
38:29I mean, his eyes.
38:30And you're not a complete idiot.
38:32Really? Which part's missing?
38:37Well...
38:39You've made me feel brand new.
38:47Forgive me, Joyce. I couldn't help myself.
38:50Monty, I said eight o'clock in the text.
38:53I still haven't got changed.
38:55Well, I could wait here.
38:57I've got a phone call to make as well.
38:59I'll be at least 45 minutes.
39:01Waiting so long, what's another 45 minutes?
39:06OK.
39:07If you want a drink, use this.
39:11It's also my room key.
39:13Come up in about an hour.
39:15We'll have drinks on the balcony before we go out.
39:17Room 1501.
39:20Perfect.
39:25Chips and rice tonight, Monty.
39:27Definitely chips and rice.
39:31Phew!
39:37I think I'm all sterving and snaring.
39:40They've never had a member of their family do anything embarrassing.
39:44Well, at least we know she's safely tucked up in bed.
39:48Away from those prying eyes.
39:51It's all my fault.
39:54I knew we should have gone to Centre Parcs.
39:58You can't blame yourself, ma'am.
40:00All them meetings.
40:02All that willpower gone for nothing.
40:05Well, she may have strayed from the path,
40:09but I hope she finds her way back again.
40:13As Pauline herself has said many times,
40:18it's a long, lonely journey on the road to Domestos.
40:24Damascus.
40:27That's right, Crystal.
40:29The new system was rolled out today with no problems.
40:35How many drinks?
40:38Are you sure that's from one person?
40:42Well, yes.
40:44They should be immediately blacklisted from all slots.
40:47I'm sure.
40:52Well, yes.
40:54They should be immediately blacklisted from all Solana Group hotels.
40:58Could you give me the ID number? I'll track this hooligan down.
41:02Although, to be honest, I've got a very good idea who the culprit is.
41:07Yes.
41:0900381142.
41:15Here we go.
41:22Yes, I found the culprit.
41:25Yes, you're right.
41:27Menace to society.
41:29They'll be thrown out on their ear.
41:33OK.
41:35Good night.
41:43Right!
41:46Let's get one thing straight.
41:49My sister is no different to any one of you lot here.
41:53I mean, look at yourselves.
41:55Whispering and nudging.
41:57Yeah, that's the family with the piss head.
42:00But when you point a finger at someone,
42:03you've got three pointing back at yourself.
42:10Who can sit here and say
42:12that they haven't got a relation
42:14who's brought shame and disappointment on the family?
42:17Who can sit here and say they haven't done the same thing themselves?
42:21Isn't it about time we looked at our mothers?
42:25Our children.
42:28Our brothers.
42:30And sister.
42:33And started to love them for who they are
42:36and not worry about what they look like
42:39or for how they choose to live their life
42:42or how they try and court me, whatever life throws at them.
42:47Because no matter how frustrating
42:50or embarrassing they might be,
42:52we can't give up on them
42:54because they're a part of us.
42:58A part of our whole family.
43:09You take down that one.
43:18We are family
43:22I've got all my sisters and me
43:26We are family
43:30Come on everybody and sing
43:33Come on! We are family
43:38I've got all my sisters and me
43:42We are family
43:45So, all we ask from you is a £5,000 deposit.
43:49It really is too good a deal to turn down.
43:52Sorry, pal. Had I done about £5,000, I'd be hard pushed to raise £500.
43:56I know the feeling.
43:59A bottle of lager and an orange juice, please.
44:02Where did you get that from?
44:04A woman gave it to me.
44:05When did she give it to you?
44:06Today. It gets you into the apartment as well.
44:08But you're about 12.
44:10I'm 20, mate. 21 in September.
44:12Or is it October?
44:14And do you intend on going up to the apartment this evening?
44:17Absolutely. I'll be sleeping there tonight.
44:20What?
44:21Oh, yeah. They don't call it all-inclusive for nothing, mate.
44:25Bloody hell.
44:26Same again, Jacqueline.
44:28Oh, thanks, Leslie. Just one more.
44:30Then I've got a date upstairs with a bottle of bubbly and a couple of friends.
44:38Hola.
44:40Swordless for a gang of soldiers.
44:44Monty. Monty, I'm sorry. We've got a bit of a crisis.
44:47No, Joyce. I'm sorry.
44:49I refuse to be just another notch on your bedpost.
44:53I beg your pardon?
44:54It's typical.
44:55The one time I put my feelings out there for everyone to see, I get hurt and humiliated.
45:00What are you talking about?
45:02I thought you were coming up to have drinks on my balcony.
45:05From what I've seen, there might not be any room for me.
45:08I'd get a turnstile fitted if I were you.
45:12Monty. Monty!
45:27Love you, Pauline.
45:30Sweet child sister.
45:41Let's go.
46:11You