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00:36No breakfast for you?
00:38I brought me own, it's here somewhere.
00:40Zero calories
00:42and you can go back as many times as you like.
00:44Oh.
00:46Oh bollocks,
00:48I've run out of juice.
00:50We have orange, pineapple or summer breeze.
00:52Not that juice, I forgot to charge me cig.
00:54What's summer breeze?
00:56It's pineapple juice with a dash of orange.
00:58Oh, will you charge that for me?
01:00I can't be arsed going back upstairs.
01:02We are not supposed to be
01:04charging the phones or the electric ciggy rest
01:06behind the bar.
01:08I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be wearing a mucky old vest
01:10and slope off for a fag every 20 minutes
01:12either.
01:14Good point, well made.
01:18Oh,
01:20they've got no hash browns.
01:22Oh, you'll waste away.
01:24It's alright, I double up on sausages and black pudding.
01:26Thank God for that.
01:28Now what's the problem with this venue?
01:30I've told you, there is no problem.
01:32We've just got to book it today
01:34or it's gone.
01:36What do you mean it's gone?
01:38The rugby club's not going to disappear overnight.
01:40You know what I mean, the booking.
01:42We've already lost one venue
01:44through fannying about.
01:46I wouldn't want my silver wedding
01:48in a crappy prefab building on the side of a muddy field.
01:50Well luckily,
01:52even if you did find some idiot
01:54to marry you, I don't think you'd be spending
01:5625 years with him.
02:00Is that bar not open yet?
02:02They've only got orange juice here.
02:04There's pineapple as well.
02:06Oh no, I couldn't have either.
02:08You give me terrible acid reflux.
02:10One God fault, I'll be in agony for the rest of the day.
02:12Why don't you have a summer breeze?
02:14What's a summer breeze?
02:16Breakfast cocktail, I'll get you one.
02:18Oh.
02:24Do you see
02:26what just happened?
02:28No.
02:30You didn't see
02:32your mother just then?
02:34No, I've got my eyes shut.
02:36You didn't see what your mother
02:38just did to my father?
02:40I just told you, I've got my eyes shut.
02:46You wouldn't have believed it if you had seen it.
02:48Oh, for crying out loud.
02:50Your mother just stood up
02:52and stroked my father's hair.
02:56She probably put itching powder in it.
03:02Now, she's just gone and got him a drink.
03:04Billy,
03:06why can't you just accept
03:08that my mother, on occasion,
03:10can be a caring, compassionate person?
03:12I beg your pardon?
03:14Alright, maybe not caring and compassionate,
03:16but at least not the conniving, evil witch
03:18you always make her out to be.
03:23You bastard.
03:25You evil bastard.
03:27Oh, what is going on?
03:29Your mother's just tried to poison me, Dad.
03:31All's well with the world.
03:33You know I can't take orange juice.
03:35Breakfast cocktail, my arse.
03:39Oh, I'm sorry, Liam.
03:41I could have sworn
03:43I told you I was going to have an admin day
03:45by the pool.
03:47Yeah, you did.
03:49Are you OK? Do you want some help opening the salon?
03:51Yeah, have you got a pneumatic drill?
03:53Oh, I've got something very similar
03:55in me room, but
03:57you might want to run it under a tap first.
04:01Oh!
04:03Liam!
04:05The door's disappeared!
04:07I know.
04:09Oh, I think I know
04:11what's happened.
04:13Go on.
04:15I don't think the door's disappeared.
04:17I think someone has bricked up the entrance.
04:19It's a good job I rang you.
04:21Well, I don't have a kind of sixth sense
04:23about these kind of things.
04:25So,
04:27what do you think's going on here?
04:29I don't have the answer to that question, Jacqueline,
04:31but I better know who does.
04:33Temple Savage.
04:35Wait for me!
04:37I'm afraid I have no other choice
04:39than to terminate
04:41your employment at the Solana
04:43Forthwith.
04:45Considering your recent
04:47behaviour, you're lucky
04:49we're not bringing legal action against you.
04:51Any request
04:53for references will be at the manager's
04:55sole discretion.
04:57But Joyce, you are the manager!
04:59And my wife!
05:01Couldn't you give me another chance?
05:03Go away!
05:05It's very important, it's Liam
05:07from Blow and Go! I'm busy,
05:09go away!
05:11I'm sorry, Monty, you've had all the chances
05:13I can possibly give you.
05:15I've got no job, I've got no income,
05:17my pride won't let me live off your earnings.
05:19What about savings?
05:21I didn't think you had any.
05:23Not my savings, your savings!
05:25My savings? Do you know how much that wedding
05:27cost me?
05:29What a triumph that was!
05:31So,
05:33you regret marrying me?
05:35I don't regret marrying you,
05:37Monty, I just don't see how we can remain
05:39married with you here destroying
05:41my hotel's reputation!
05:43Right, that's it!
05:45I don't need to stay here to be insulted!
05:47A man of my talents can walk into
05:49any place and get a job!
05:51Off you go, then!
05:57You can stick your reference where the monkey keeps his nuts!
05:59I'll get a job today,
06:01and it'll be without any help from you!
06:07You haven't got twenty euros, have you?
06:09I don't think I've got any petrol.
06:11Reception.
06:17Hi,
06:19I've got a great trip to Gwadalest.
06:21If you're interested, I'm in reception.
06:25Morning, handsome!
06:27Bet you say that to all the boys!
06:29No, only the handsome ones.
06:31You got a busy day?
06:33So-so. Oh, day off tomorrow, though.
06:35Fancy doing something?
06:37Oh, I've got an old workmate coming over from Ibiza.
06:39Keep you posted?
06:41I would suggest a double date,
06:43but I'm not too sure I want the responsibility
06:45of giving your mate Callum as a blind date.
06:47It's a guy, actually.
06:49Oh, my bad. Definitely not, then.
06:51Yeah, Angelo. He's a DJ.
06:53We used to go out back in the day,
06:55but we're just mates now, though.
06:57Right, so this is your ex?
06:59Technically, I suppose.
07:01But you're cool with her, aren't you?
07:03Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. Totally cool.
07:05Yeah, ice cool. Literally sub-zero.
07:07Literally really cool.
07:09I mean, we're cool, aren't we?
07:11Yeah, of course. We're totally cool.
07:13Uh, I hate to judge,
07:15but these two sound like the most uncool people
07:17on the face of the earth.
07:19Right, well, I'll catch you later.
07:21Cool.
07:25What the hell was that about?
07:27Sam's got an ex coming over from Ibiza.
07:29He's a DJ.
07:31Called Angelo.
07:33Now, he does sound cool.
07:37Well, she can't hide in her office all day.
07:39Meanwhile, I think you need a solicitor.
07:41Morning!
07:43Don't suppose you could squeeze me in today, can you?
07:45Can't squeeze anybody in. We've got no front door.
07:47Eh?
07:49Temple Savage has bricked up the entrance
07:51to Blow On Gold.
07:53She can't do that. She's done it.
07:55Well, I think she's done it.
07:57Who else can it be?
07:59Shame. Just when Kenneth and Temple Savage were starting to like each other.
08:01Well, luckily it's Kenneth's day off,
08:03so we'll still be out from last night.
08:05You know where I am.
08:07Thanks, Dan.
08:09Thanks, love.
08:11Well, let's hope Kenneth surfaces soon.
08:13Oh, me head.
08:2310am, my arse.
08:25Still the middle of the bloody night.
08:27Cheap market rubbish.
08:35Where exactly are you going again?
08:37I've told you, we're going for a walk.
08:39A walk?
08:41You are going for a walk?
08:43I don't mind a nice walk.
08:45As long as there's coffee and cakes involved.
08:47Watch out for the coffee.
08:49She's tried to poison you once today.
08:51I'm misunderstanding.
08:53Do you want anything?
08:55Bring him from off-compound.
08:57No, we're fine, thank you.
08:59Just come back for a coffee.
09:01I'm going for a walk.
09:03No, we're fine, thank you.
09:05Just come back arguing,
09:07and we'll feel the world has somehow corrected itself
09:09from all this madness.
09:11Life's too short to bear a grudge.
09:13I'm surprised you've not learned that
09:15after 25 years of marriage.
09:17Aha!
09:19I know what you're up to.
09:21What are they up to?
09:23I've worked it out.
09:25What have you worked out?
09:27You almost got away with it,
09:29but that last sentence gave you away.
09:31We're organising a surprise party
09:33for our silver wedding anniversary.
09:35Oh, thank God for that.
09:37I was starting to think you actually liked each other.
09:39No, we're not.
09:41Eh?
09:43We're not organising you a party, are we?
09:45No, no, we're not. Did you want a party?
09:47I didn't think you liked parties.
09:49I don't.
09:51Well, there you go, then.
09:53I like parties.
09:55Do you want us to help you organise one?
09:57No, it's too much faffing about.
09:59Well, there you are, then.
10:01Right, we're off. See you later.
10:03All right, bye.
10:05See you later.
10:07That was a close one.
10:09I think we got away with it.
10:11One beer and one orange juice.
10:13Cheers, ma'am.
10:15So, listen,
10:17I've not mentioned it up till now because...
10:19I guess it's a delicate subject,
10:21but...
10:23are you in a recovery programme?
10:25Are you joking, bro?
10:27No.
10:29Are you in a recovery programme for...
10:31you know...
10:33something else?
10:35Like a motorbike?
10:37For Christ's sake, I'm not talking about the bloody RAC.
10:39Oh, sorry.
10:41I'm talking about AA.
10:43I thought they were the same,
10:45apart from one has a yellow badge and the other one has a blue.
10:47Alcoholics Anonymous.
10:49Are you an alcoholic?
10:51Of course not.
10:53It's just that alcohol doesn't agree with me.
10:55Alcohol doesn't agree with anyone.
10:57Get this man a beer.
10:59When I say it doesn't agree with me,
11:01I mean, it makes me do these
11:03horrible eggy farts
11:05that make my clothes stink for days.
11:07He'll stick with the orange juice.
11:11So, what's going on with Sam the Eagle?
11:13Who's Sam the Eagle?
11:15You're Sam.
11:17Why do you call her Sam the Eagle?
11:19Because her name's Sam and she's a massive scary bird.
11:21Very funny.
11:23I thought so.
11:25She's not massive.
11:27She's not my Sam.
11:29They're just friends.
11:31Friends with benefits.
11:33She's not on benefits. She works here.
11:35Friends with benefits, as in she's not your girl
11:37but you get all the benefits and none of the headache.
11:39I know. I get it.
11:41I know you do. Sometimes twice a day.
11:43I mean, the woman is insatiable.
11:45Yeah, well, probably not for much longer.
11:47Her ex arrives tomorrow.
11:49Oh, aye.
11:51You know that DJ from Ibiza?
11:53You've got absolutely no chance
11:55up against him, mate.
11:57But look on the bright side.
11:59For a guy who likes big, older birds,
12:01you're practically in Disneyland.
12:03I mean, you can't move
12:05for big, fat, middle-aged women
12:07in Benidorm.
12:09I mean, you literally can't move.
12:11Will you just shut up?
12:13You don't get it, do you?
12:15It's not about liking someone who's big or small
12:17or short or tall.
12:19It's about a connection.
12:21It goes past the physical.
12:23A meeting of minds.
12:25Not that you'd know.
12:31Christ, where'd she arrange to meet his mind?
12:33Must have been, like, looking for where's Wally.
12:35He's the one who's been getting laid all week.
12:37Who's the Wally now?
12:41How many times do I have to tell you?
12:43As soon as I hear from head office
12:45about this latest phase of building work,
12:47I'll be in touch.
12:49Latest phase of building work?
12:51You've bricked up our salon.
12:53I have not bricked up your salon.
12:55Is this your hotel or not?
12:57I have said all I am willing to say on the subject.
12:59Maybe I should call Crystal
13:01and find out what's going on.
13:03Maybe you should mind your own business.
13:09She's gone mad.
13:11Absolutely start raving mad.
13:13Hey, what happened to blow and go?
13:15It's blown and gone, no?
13:17Mateo, the salon hasn't blown away.
13:19It's been bricked up.
13:21He's what I'm saying.
13:23Why can't you people not be taking a joke?
13:25Right, I think it's time
13:27we got some legal representation.
13:29Oh, that sounds expensive.
13:31It's all right. I know a fella who knows a fella.
13:33Right, OK.
13:35Hang on. Does either of these fellas
13:37know a solicitor?
13:39Yeah.
13:41Oh, good.
13:43See you later.
13:45Good luck.
13:49Do you know anything about this?
13:51Yes, of course.
13:53Head office comes to let me about everything that goes on in this hotel.
13:55Do they?
13:57No. Of course they do not.
13:59I spend my days watering down vodka and mopping vomit.
14:01Right, keep your wig on.
14:03You've got to admit, though, it's not normal.
14:05This is better, though. When was the last time you see anything normal?
14:07Well, I'm going to find out what's going on.
14:09Hooray for you.
14:11I'm going to sign this and I will be giving you the clap.
14:13In your dreams.
14:21I might have a dip.
14:23Is that an hot dog?
14:25A dip in the...
14:27Oh.
14:29EXPLOSION
14:37Maybe we should do something
14:39for our anniversary.
14:41We probably could have done
14:43if you hadn't booked our flights for tomorrow.
14:45So it's my fault?
14:49Could go to the Red Fez.
14:51Are you offering to take me
14:53to a kebab shop for our 25th wedding anniversary?
14:55It's not a kebab shop.
14:57It's a Turkish restaurant.
14:59It's a kebab shop.
15:01You try telling Abdul that, he'll be very upset.
15:03Abdul won't be upset because I won't be telling him that
15:05because I will not be going to his kebab shop
15:07for our anniversary.
15:11Just eat that now.
15:13Bit of humorous.
15:15Bit of that tombola.
15:17Couple of them dogmas.
15:19Bit of, um...
15:21What do you call it? Yoghurt stuff.
15:23I have no idea.
15:25Spanish tapas, innit, but with, um...
15:27Words you can't pronounce?
15:31Oh, we could go to the Grange.
15:33Why the bloody hell would you want to go there for?
15:35Why the bloody hell would you want to go to the Red Fez?
15:37Because it's cheap, it's local.
15:39Did it ever cross your mind that I might not want
15:41cheap and local?
15:43The Grange is 20 minutes away,
15:45which means it's too pricey for a cab there and back,
15:47which means one of us can't drink.
15:49We could get a room there
15:51for the night.
15:53The Grange?
15:55Are you out of your tiny mind?
15:59I mean...
16:01What I mean is, you know,
16:03what's the point of paying to stay somewhere
16:05that's 20 minutes away from your own bed?
16:07Not like your own bed, is there?
16:09That's...
16:11That's what I meant. That's...
16:13That's all I meant.
16:15Right. Well, I am having a party.
16:17We are having a party.
16:19What, in the house?
16:21Or at the Red Fez?
16:23Or somewhere. Somewhere else.
16:27What are you doing?
16:29Making a list. A list?
16:31Of people to invite.
16:33Not too many, eh?
16:35I don't... I mean, you wouldn't want to be
16:37crowded out on our anniversary,
16:39would you?
16:51Bloody hell.
16:53What's going on?
16:55I feel like I've slept for days.
17:11Oh, sick.
17:13GROWLING
17:19What's bloody going on?
17:35I've got a feeling them tablets Flaming Mo
17:37gave me at the Mardi Gras last night
17:39weren't pro-plus after all.
17:43HE PANTS
17:57All right, don't panic, Kenneth.
17:59Stay calm.
18:01There's a perfectly
18:03simple explanation for this.
18:07Temple Savage.
18:09Temple Savage.
18:11She's finally done what she's been
18:13threatening to do for years and shut us down
18:15by breaking up the salon
18:19and turning off the water supply
18:21so I die a slow and lonely death.
18:23Go on, wake up!
18:25Wake up!
18:27Wake up!
18:35SCREAMS
18:39Did you hear that?
18:41Hear what?
18:43I don't know. A noise.
18:45Like somebody shouting
18:47or screaming.
18:49No.
18:51Oh.
18:53Well,
18:55four sailors from Cockermouth
18:57crammed into a family room.
18:59We've only ourselves to blame.
19:01Turn the music up.
19:03Please.
19:07Please...
19:09SCREAMS
19:21OK, well, if you've got no pork,
19:23what have you got?
19:25Lobster?
19:27Are you trying to deep-fry my balls?
19:29I'm in Benidorm, not Glass Flipping Vegas.
19:31What else have you got?
19:33What kind of curd?
19:35Bean curd.
19:37I don't care what it mean.
19:39What is it now?
19:41LAUGHTER
19:43Do you get it? Bean curd.
19:45I don't care what it mean.
19:47What is it now?
19:49Hello?
19:51Hello?
19:53Come in.
19:55Monty Staines.
19:57Monty Staines?
19:59Monty, take a seat.
20:01How is married life?
20:03Bloody awful.
20:05Tell me about it.
20:07You know, my wife is so fat,
20:09when she sit around the house,
20:11she really sit around...
20:13I'm sorry, Mr Wu, I haven't got time for all that.
20:15Oh, really?
20:17You know, there is an old Chinese saying,
20:19the man who has no time
20:21for laughter in his life
20:23get no job from Mr Wu.
20:25Just how old is that saying?
20:27I said on the phone, you looking for a job, innit?
20:29Yes, and you said you may have
20:31an appropriate position vacant.
20:33So can we please dispense with the Christmas cracker jokes
20:35and the fortune cookie proverbs?
20:37Hey, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
20:39Coming in here
20:41like John Wayne is Big Leggy.
20:43I'm sorry?
20:45Apology accepted.
20:47OK, here at Mr Wu, we have four type of waiters.
20:49The experienced waiters
20:51are Group A, but...
20:53Hang on a minute. A waiter?
20:55In a Chinese restaurant? Me?
20:57Well, I haven't got any other type of restaurant.
20:59I meant a job appropriate
21:01for a man of my standing.
21:03Oh, yeah. There are lots of standing.
21:05If you like standing, you should enjoy it here.
21:09I'm sorry, Mr Wu,
21:11but clearly I'm wasting my time
21:13and yours.
21:15Wait, where are you going? This is perfect job for you.
21:17How do you work that out?
21:19Because we got chips and rice.
21:21Chips
21:23and rice.
21:27Absolutely deranged.
21:41Password.
21:43Joyce's password.
21:45Salona.
21:47Monty.
21:49Joyce's date of birth.
21:5119...
21:5335...
21:5536...
21:577...
21:59What is it?
22:01Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm coming.
22:03I just forgot to lock the door.
22:05Oh, shit!
22:13Six charges!
22:15Six phone charges!
22:17It doesn't fit my bloody phone!
22:23Come on, Kenny.
22:25Think.
22:27Think.
22:29What would Bear Grylls do?
22:33Fire.
22:35He'd make a fire.
22:47What are you doing?
22:51You're stranded in a unisex hair salon
22:53on a frigging desert island!
22:59I'm buried alive!
23:03Oh, what's happening?
23:05What are they doing?
23:09I swear on my mother's grave,
23:11if this is some sort of
23:13conspiracy,
23:15I swear on my mother's grave,
23:17if this is some sort of practical joke,
23:19Liam!
23:21I'll cut off your balls and make them into
23:23a pair of ginger clappers!
23:35Montgomery Staines?
23:37No, that's my name.
23:41Yeah, Monty, that's me.
23:43Can I ask who's calling?
23:45Oh, Benidorm Palace.
23:47So you do have vacancies.
23:53How tall am I?
23:55Oh, six foot one on a good day.
23:59How old?
24:01What's your upper age limit?
24:05Well, depends how good your lighting is.
24:07Will you go away?
24:09No, not you.
24:11Look, just hold on a minute, will you?
24:13Please, sir, I ain't got out.
24:15Anything you got will do, boss.
24:17Now, piss off!
24:21It's all right, it's all right.
24:23For God's sake!
24:25Yes, sorry about that.
24:27So what was the exact position available?
24:31Principal male dancer.
24:35I'll ring you back.
24:41Bloody hell.
24:43The euro goes a lot further than it used to.
24:47Oh, hello, Sir Henry.
24:49Montgomery Staines here.
24:51Yeah, Monty.
24:53Yeah, fine. Fine, how are you?
24:55Good.
24:57Listen, I was just in the area
24:59and I thought I might pop by.
25:05Yeah, sorry.
25:07Yeah, good, good.
25:09Yeah, good, good.
25:11I'll see you in about ten minutes.
25:31Enter.
25:33Come in.
25:39Have I come in at a bad time?
25:41Not at all.
25:43Come in, take a seat.
25:45I didn't get you out of bed, did I?
25:47No.
25:49I've just had my post-lunch tai chi.
25:51Have you ever tried it?
25:53Not for me, thanks.
25:55I've just had a sausage roll.
25:57Please.
26:03Not looking for a loophole in the marriage contract, are you?
26:05I beg your pardon?
26:07It's just a joke.
26:09Now, listen, Henry, it's hardly a secret
26:11you're still carrying a torch for Joyce.
26:13But things have changed, my friend.
26:15Joyce is now my wife.
26:17Yes, I know.
26:19I married you both.
26:21I am well aware of that, thank you.
26:23I am also aware that Joyce,
26:25for some bizarre reason, still has a soft spot for you.
26:27She does?
26:29Yes. God knows why.
26:31So I feel it's my duty to warn you
26:33I am not a man to be trifled with.
26:35Do you understand?
26:37I said,
26:39do you understand?
26:41Oh, yes, of course.
26:43And I appreciate the information
26:45about the trifle.
26:47I mean you
26:49not being trifled with.
26:55Was there anything else?
26:57Yes.
27:01You don't have any jobs around here, do you?
27:03No.
27:05I think I asked those questions
27:07in the wrong order, didn't I?
27:09Yes.
27:11Well, I'll see myself out.
27:13Actually, wait a moment.
27:15We do have a vacancy.
27:17But it's only part-time.
27:19Three days a week.
27:21It's better than nothing.
27:23What is he?
27:25He's an associate airport liaison officer.
27:27Oh, in Alley County?
27:29In Luton.
27:31Luton? Why would I want a job in bloody Luton?
27:33You'd only be away from home three days a week.
27:35And you said yourself you need a job.
27:37Yes, I know. But Luton?
27:39Fine.
27:41Close the door on your way out. There's a good chap.
27:55You do know your desk is on fire, don't you?
28:01Bugger!
28:03Sorry.
28:05Losey and Toe?
28:11Monty Staines?
28:13Hello?
28:15Oh, Mr Woo!
28:17Yes.
28:19Yes, I am still looking.
28:21But I told you that...
28:23Major D?
28:25Oh, yes.
28:27Yes, I would be interested.
28:29Tonight?
28:33Absolutely.
28:37Major D.
28:39Better get the old pinstripe dry-cleaned.
28:41As you were.
28:53I'm frigged if I'm supposed to know
28:55where she hides all that shite on me desk!
29:03Sorry.
29:05Did you two want a drink?
29:07Because if you did,
29:09you're shit out.
29:11I'm more likely to find Lord Bastard Lucan
29:13than a box of typhoo amongst all this shit.
29:15Right, let's have a look down here.
29:17Mr Smallcock?
29:19Oh, please, call me Winter.
29:21Your name's Winter?
29:23Winter Smallcock?
29:25Yeah, can you friggin' believe it?
29:27Have you ever heard a mother name her son
29:29Bloody Winter?
29:31She always said if she had a daughter,
29:33she'd call her Summer.
29:35Do you know what my two brothers are called?
29:37Oughtsman Spring.
29:39No, Eric and fucking Barry.
29:41That's always me.
29:43Get the shit out of here.
29:45That's always me.
29:47Get the shit out of the stick.
29:49Right.
29:51What have you come along for?
29:53Dog licence?
29:55No, we've told you, this is a property disagreement.
29:57I rent a hair salon
29:59in the Hotel Solana in the new town.
30:01Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember now.
30:03The manager's bricks up your front door,
30:05that's right.
30:07My bastard, I tell you, these Spanish,
30:09they don't give a shit when they raffle.
30:11She's English.
30:13It's getting worse.
30:21Right.
30:23Let's have a look.
30:25Can't be that friggin' difficult.
30:27I'm sorry, my friend told us you were a solicitor.
30:29Yeah, well, I do a bit of everything,
30:31to be honest.
30:33Well, Christ on a bike,
30:35you've got to these friggin' days, haven't you?
30:37Isn't that book about English law?
30:39We need Spanish property law.
30:41Bollocks to that.
30:43I tried to enrol on a Spanish law course,
30:45but they wouldn't have me because of the fucking language.
30:47Oh, you mean all the swearing?
30:49No, I mean because I don't speak Spanish.
30:53Sorry.
30:55Hiya, Sam.
30:57Can I ring you back?
30:59We're just getting some legal advice.
31:01Well, advice.
31:03Well, what's happened?
31:05What?
31:07Oh, my God, how did you manage that?
31:09We're coming back right now.
31:11Sorry, we have to go.
31:13Sam's got locked in Joyce's office.
31:15Hey, does your mate need a locksmith?
31:17I've got a book on that.
31:19Come on.
31:23Where the frig are you going?
31:25Bastards!
31:35Hurry up, I've been here ages.
31:37Hey, it's not my fault.
31:41It's no good.
31:43I cannot unlock the door and Jesus will be on his siesta.
31:45Just smash the door down.
31:47Of course I got the brief about the building work,
31:49but at no point was I told
31:51that they were going to brick up the entrance
31:53to blow and go.
31:57Blow and go?
31:59It's the hair salon in reception.
32:03I can't ask the builders.
32:05They're not here.
32:07I'm trying. I'm doing my best.
32:09Just break the frigging door down.
32:11Sorry, Cazor.
32:13No, not this end.
32:15Well, I think maybe there's interference on the line.
32:17Yes, you know, the Spanish mobile.
32:31Victoria!
32:33OK.
32:35Move away from the door.
32:37No!
32:43What on earth's going on?
32:45Joyce!
32:47Joyce!
32:49Oh, my God!
32:53Are you all right? What's happened?
32:55We heard you screaming.
32:57We thought you'd locked yourself in the office.
32:59I was so worried about you.
33:01You? Worried about me?
33:03Yeah.
33:05It's just that I was once locked in an office.
33:07I mean, not today.
33:09Years ago.
33:11I remember being so terrified.
33:13It brought back such terrible memories
33:15that I told Mateo we had to
33:17break down the door and get you out.
33:19But I wasn't in my office.
33:21Yeah, well, we know that now,
33:23and I realise
33:25it must have been someone outside
33:27near the pool messing about.
33:29The screams must have come through the wall.
33:33I can't hear anyone.
33:35Oh, thank God the screaming stopped.
33:37Oh, it brought back such memories,
33:39such traumatic memories.
33:45Look, go and get yourself a drink.
33:47Oh, thank you.
33:49Thank you, Joyce.
33:51Mateo, go with her.
33:53Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.
33:55And get somebody to fix this door.
33:57Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.
34:09Britney.
34:13Britney.
34:23Oh, Britney.
34:27Thank God
34:29for our conversations.
34:37Without them,
34:39I don't know what I'd do.
34:43I'd probably go mad.
34:45Wouldn't I?
34:57I'm sorry.
35:03I'm sorry.
35:07I'm so proud of you,
35:09Monty.
35:11Stop fussing, Joyce.
35:13It's only a maitre d' in a Chinese restaurant.
35:15No, it's much more than that.
35:17What do you mean?
35:19I can be honest now, Monty, now you're working.
35:21I genuinely thought
35:23it was the end of you and me.
35:25The end?
35:27We only got married a week ago.
35:29Exactly, and already it was obvious
35:31that without a job, you had no self-worth,
35:33no sense of purpose.
35:35I had no job
35:37because you sacked me.
35:39Can't live in each other's pockets, Monty.
35:41Believe me,
35:43you earning an honest wage
35:45and contributing to our income
35:47is the only way forward.
35:49Oh, and I know
35:51what you're going to say,
35:53another 20 euros.
35:55I was mugged by a beggar.
35:57It's a long story.
35:59Take 50 euros out of the red box
36:01behind reception.
36:07My working man.
36:23What's that, Brittany?
36:25You want me to do what?
36:27Well, if you're absolutely sure.
36:47Crazy
36:49I'm crazy for you
36:51I'm crazy for
36:53feeling
36:55so lonely
37:03Let me go
37:05OK, thanks a lot, Trish.
37:07Well, if you hear from him, give me a ring, OK?
37:09Cheers.
37:11No joy?
37:13No. I've phoned the Peppermint, the Pink Trombone,
37:15Palladium Jack, Baz and Gaz, Flash Harry and Moe
37:17and Leslie Trish, and nobody's seen Kenneth
37:19since last night.
37:21Well, if he's never disappeared for this length of time
37:23before, we should call the police.
37:25Well, that's just it, he has.
37:27Not often, but he has done it before.
37:29Oh, well, let's have another drink then.
37:35I can't believe it.
37:37Not one frigging biscuit
37:39in the whole salad.
37:41I have to eat
37:43something soon.
37:45I can literally feel myself fading away.
37:49Freezer.
37:51Strawberry.
37:53Strawberry.
37:55It's got to have some strawberries in it,
37:57otherwise they couldn't put it on the label.
37:59Oh.
38:03Come on, Kenneth.
38:05If Katie Price can get a gob
38:07round a kangaroo's anus,
38:09you can eat a bit of her wax.
38:13But I have to, Brittany.
38:15It could make me feel
38:17the difference between life and death.
38:25Oh, Jesus.
38:27What a time to start eating fruit.
38:37Well, actually, that's not too bad.
38:41What a pleasure we got.
38:43What a pleasure we got.
38:49Oh. Oh, God.
38:51What's happened to me?
38:57I have to get out of here.
38:59I've got to get out of here.
39:01Come on, Kenneth.
39:03Think.
39:05Think.
39:09What would Jonathan Creek do?
39:13So, did you have a nice day out at the pairing?
39:15Ah.
39:17It were nice to get out for a bit.
39:19After his coffees, we went for a walk up Brom.
39:21You were gone all day.
39:23You've still got four or five hours unaccounted for.
39:25Oh, we must have walked five mile.
39:27We had to go for a lie down when we got back, didn't we?
39:29Hey, hey.
39:31Out for a bit, then indoors for a bit, eh?
39:33Separate rooms.
39:35Don't be disgusting.
39:37Well, at least we did something with our day
39:39and didn't just lie farting on a sunbed.
39:41My wife never farts before me.
39:43She always waits for her turn.
39:45I thank you all.
39:47More from the fabulous John Paul later,
39:49but first, it's karaoke time.
39:51Let's hear it for
39:53Billy and Chevonne.
39:55Right. Don't forget you two.
39:57We can still see you from the stage.
39:59It's like Bramley Baston eating.
40:01Get chucked out for every petting.
40:03Come on.
40:11I tell you,
40:13I heard back from Dougie Taylor.
40:15It's all booked in.
40:17150 quid.
40:19150 quid?
40:21That's steep for the rugby club.
40:23That includes a stripper.
40:25Like a warrior that fights
40:29And wins the battle
40:31I know the taste of victory
40:35Going through the night
40:37Consumed by the shadow
40:39Consumed by the shadow
40:41I was crippled emotionally
40:47So now I've made it through the darkness
40:49Yes, I did
40:51I escaped
40:57How are you feeling?
40:59I'm sorry?
41:01Well, you were quite upset earlier on.
41:03Oh, right. I was.
41:05Very much so.
41:07Now I think about it.
41:09I could have sworn I heard some screaming earlier today.
41:11Really?
41:13Yes. I had the drains checked a few years ago
41:15after repeatedly hearing strange
41:17gurgling noises
41:19from behind reception.
41:21Sue was back to up with her?
41:23No. We finally worked out it was Leslie's stomach
41:25rumbling before lunch.
41:27My point is, it didn't sound like
41:29it was coming from Leslie.
41:31I blame the acoustics.
41:33I blame Leslie's breakfast.
41:35Thanks, Matteo.
41:37I think we got away with it.
41:39You got away with it. Thanks to me.
41:41Yeah. I just said thanks.
41:51Good evening, Mr. Woo. Where would you like me?
41:53What are you all dressed up like a doggy dinner for?
41:55I beg your pardon?
41:57This is my best three-piece suit.
41:59Well, why are you wearing it to come to work?
42:01Mr. Woo, I don't mean to teach
42:03my grandmother to suck prawn balls,
42:05but you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
42:07What are you talking about?
42:09I didn't employ you to do impressions.
42:11Who do you think you are?
42:13Bobby Davros?
42:15No, you don't understand.
42:17Surely my job is to set the tone of the establishment.
42:19We got the tone already.
42:21Eat as much cheap food as you like
42:23and don't make a mess under the table.
42:25Then why on earth did you employ me as a maitre d'?
42:27What?
42:29If you're happy with a down-market image
42:31and all that stuff in their faces
42:33and flicking foo young at each other,
42:35why did you call me and offer me the job of maitre d'?
42:37I offer you job of waiter d'.
42:39What?
42:41We got waiter A who takes the drink orders.
42:43Waiter B and C top up the buffet.
42:47You start as waiter D,
42:49the one who take the dirty plates to the kitchen.
42:53Waiter D.
42:55Not maitre d', waiter D.
42:57I don't think you need me, Mr. Woo.
42:59You seem to be creating exactly the right impression without me.
43:11How did you get on today?
43:13Not great.
43:15I wouldn't recommend the solicitor.
43:17No?
43:19No.
43:21Not unless you just want to tell someone to get fucked.
43:23More to the point, we still haven't found Kenny.
43:25Well, it's his day off, isn't it?
43:27He'll surface at some point between tonight and tomorrow morning.
43:31How did you get locked in Joyce's office?
43:33Long story.
43:35When she found me in there,
43:37I had to tell her I'd been hearing screaming voices from inside her office
43:39and had to break in.
43:41Here's the best bit.
43:43She said she heard screaming from behind reception as well.
43:45Silly old bag's going mad.
43:47Screaming?
43:49Yeah.
43:51Behind reception?
43:53Yeah.
43:55Wow.
43:57How often does Kenneth lose his phone in a big night out?
43:59Almost every time.
44:01Shit!
44:03Come on!
44:05Where are you going?
44:07Kenneth's buried alive in Blanco!
44:15It's OK, Kenneth, we're in.
44:17My God, look at the place!
44:19Mademoiselle, he must have gone crazy.
44:21But where is he?
44:23Kenneth?
44:25Kenneth!
44:27He's not in here!
44:29It makes no sense.
44:31He can't have disappeared into thin air.
44:33Maybe he's tunnelled his way out.
44:35So where's the tunnel?
44:39Have none of you seen the Shawshank Redemption?
44:45Ooh!
44:47Argh!
44:49My hand! I think I've broken my hand!
44:51What are you doing?
44:53I thought there'd be a big hole behind Tom Daley.
44:55There's no answer to that.
44:57Wait, look!
44:59This air vent's been opened.
45:01He'd have never got through there.
45:03It would have been a tight squeeze.
45:05Where does it lead to?
45:07Absolutely no idea.
45:11Sir Henry, I just wanted to call
45:13to apologise
45:15for earlier today.
45:17I see.
45:19I considered your offer.
45:21Oh, you have?
45:23If it's still on the table.
45:25Of course.
45:27Oh, that's wonderful news.
45:29Good news.
45:31After all, what's three days away out of seven, hey?
45:33They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, don't they?
45:35Quite.
45:37I'll call you tomorrow.
45:41Adios,
45:43Monty.
45:49Argh!
45:53Argh!
45:57Well, don't just sit there!
45:59Someone get me a bloody pint!
46:01I'm gasping!
46:07The boys recreate another movie classic this weekend
46:09with the help of Philip Glenister, Amanda Holden
46:11and Tracey-Anne Oberman.
46:13Pretty Woman gets the Keith and Paddy Picture Show treatment
46:15Saturday night at 20 past nine.
46:17Stay with us for all your ITV news
46:19on the way next.