• 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00music
00:10music
00:20music
00:30music
00:43You're up to no good.
00:45What?
00:47The only time you're quiet is when you're asleep or up to no good.
00:51That's not true. I'm often quiet.
00:53Yeah, and you're often up to no good.
00:55What are you doing?
00:57If you must know, I'm...
01:00..writing a Christmas present list for you lot.
01:04In August?
01:06Forewarned is forearmed.
01:08Get you and your Latin phrases.
01:10I don't know about forearms.
01:12I need eyes in the back of my head with you lot.
01:14But what I mean is...
01:18What is it, darling?
01:23Oh, my God!
01:25Bloody Nora!
01:27SHE SCREAMS
01:29Morning, campers.
01:31Another day in paradise.
01:33Bloody hell, Dad, what do you think you're playing at?
01:35They're still playing silly beggars with me lost cases,
01:38so I raided Hotel Fancy Dressbox.
01:40But, Dad, the Grim Reaper...
01:43..is the only thing that fit me.
01:45I'd sweated my bollocks off in that caftan so much
01:48it practically walked a washing basket on its own.
01:51Why did you have to bring the bloody sword thing with it?
01:54It's called a scythe, or a sickle.
01:56Oh, shut up.
01:58Cheers.
01:59It's part of the costume, isn't it?
02:01Mind you, I wish they'd have had something a lighter colour.
02:04It's ten o'clock and cracking me arse already
02:06feels like River Ouse on a flood day.
02:08Brilliant. We've got a full day of this now.
02:13Oh, love, did I frighten you?
02:15Just a bit.
02:17Oh, you poor thing.
02:18Do you want one of them serviettes from the bar to dry your eyes?
02:21OK.
02:22Right, well, when you get it,
02:24get us a round of drinks in while you're at it.
02:26There's a good lass.
02:33Here's one for you.
02:35Would you rather have sausages for fingers or no hands at all?
02:39I don't understand.
02:40There's nothing to understand, you've just got to pick one.
02:42Why, what's happening?
02:43Nothing's happening, it's just a question.
02:46Who's asking it?
02:47I'm asking, it's just one of those questions, isn't it?
02:49Would you rather be deaf or blind?
02:51Mate, to be honest, I'd rather just chill by the pool.
02:55All right, boys.
02:56Sam, would you rather have sausages for fingers or no hands at all?
03:01How big are the sausages?
03:02Quite big.
03:04Can I have them on just one hand?
03:06Um, yeah.
03:07Definitely sausages for fingers.
03:09Right, I came to say hello
03:11cos you two boys owe me a favour after yesterday.
03:14What happened yesterday?
03:15You backed out of my trip and lost me commission.
03:17Oh, yeah, really sorry about that, but we thought the trip was free.
03:20Who gives out free trips to Ibiza?
03:23Look, my mate owns a bar on Caledrona and he needs two props today.
03:27Are you two up for it?
03:28What's a prop?
03:29A prop's someone who stands outside a bar and tries to get punters in.
03:33No, thanks, we've got our day planned.
03:35Have we?
03:36Yeah.
03:37Don't you remember?
03:38We're going to lie by the pool all day and talk to girls.
03:41And how much luck have you had with that so far?
03:43Well, we're just getting warmed up.
03:46We're playing the long game, innit, Joe?
03:48Yeah, man, the really long game.
03:51Well, this is perfect.
03:53I'm giving you a legitimate reason to be in the sun chatting to girls.
03:56Everybody loves the cheeky prop boys.
03:59Especially two good-looking charmers like you.
04:02Oh, I don't know.
04:0430 euros for a couple of hours' work.
04:07What do you reckon?
04:08I reckon these good looks and this charm is being wasted around this pool.
04:12We're in.
04:13It's the Western Bar at the end of Caledrona.
04:16Report to Jose, the manager, but you get paid by me tonight in Neptune's.
04:20Yeah?
04:26I might be reading this wrong, but I think I'm getting a vibe from her.
04:31She's probably got her own vibe.
04:33And if you think you can compete with that, then good luck to you, mate.
04:43They sent another email about that audition for Jodie.
04:46How many times do they need to be told, we're on holiday?
04:49Well, now they're saying we can do the audition here and email a video.
04:52Let's have a look, Mum.
04:56Hey, nice one. Could use the iPad.
04:58My iPad is upstairs in the safe and that's where it's staying.
05:02Way to enjoy our holiday, not fanny around making videos nobody's going to watch.
05:05Don't be such a misery. It'll be fun.
05:08They've sent the script. We just need two grandparents.
05:11Wahey! Sign me up. I'm ready for me close-up.
05:15What experience in acting have you got?
05:17Bet you've never stepped foot into a theatre.
05:20Oh, that's where you're wrong. I've been in The Crucible.
05:24Nice one, Grandad. I studied that.
05:26Who were you? John Proctor?
05:28No, Sheffield Crucible.
05:30Davies-Taylor final, 1985.
05:33Went down to the last black.
05:35Now that's drama.
05:37We've got enough drama on this holiday with you and Loretta at each other's throats.
05:40Quiet day by the pool will do just nicely, thank you.
05:43The commercial is set to be used in all European territories
05:48and the fee is £15,000.
05:52Can you imagine if she got it?
05:54She'd be able to pay her own school fees.
05:58Here, get up them stairs and get that iPad.
06:00The safe combination is 3821.
06:02Come on, lazy arse, we're losing light here.
06:07They've been serving without cost. I got everyone lemonade.
06:10Here she is, my little Oscar winner.
06:17Oh, it's so nice to be back.
06:20Did you manage all right in the salon while I was gone?
06:24Actually, Jacqueline, it was impossible without you, wasn't it, Liam?
06:27Oh, unthinkable. Really?
06:29Yeah. Me and Liam were about to take turns nodding off in that chair
06:33and it took us almost three weeks to find the shopping channel and on the telly.
06:36Oh, it's far, far too. You should have emailed.
06:40Oh, and I spent nodding off in this chair.
06:43Well, I am the sleeping partner in the business.
06:47Did you get it?
06:49Sleeping partner!
06:52Oh, dear me.
06:55Excuse me.
06:57I want to wish I'd stopped leaving bottles of carver out at breakfast.
07:01It leaves me all gassy for the rest of the day.
07:05Right, talking of gassy, I'd better go and fill up.
07:08I've got three airport runs today.
07:10Oh, and I need you to get your thinking caps on
07:13for a catchy new name for the business.
07:15Oh, I'm good at these.
07:16I've gone off Kenneth goes all the way.
07:18It's a bit of a mouthful and people might get the wrong impression.
07:20Kenneth, I've got bookings all morning. What are we going to do about walking?
07:23Very easily solved.
07:32There you go. Whack that up on the door.
07:35Honestly, I'm an orange bob away from being Mary Portis.
07:38Oh, and Liam, did you ask around about borrowing a child seat for the car?
07:42That family with the toddlers confirmed the booking.
07:44Yeah, nobody's got one. Have you tried El Cisney?
07:46What the bloody hell is that?
07:47You know, the flea market on the road to Albion.
07:49I know what El Cisney is. I'm talking about that.
07:52Troy sent it. Derbyshire Hair Salon of the Year Award.
07:56Have we won that? We're nowhere near Derbyshire.
07:58No, don't be daft. It's for the salon in Derby.
08:02Troy said he wanted it in private place in Blago.
08:06An inspiration for us all.
08:09I'm overcome with emulsion.
08:11Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.
08:13Bye.
08:16Does Troy know about Kenneth running a taxi service from the salon?
08:21No, but I know he's going to mention it to him at some point.
08:24Oh, don't worry about me.
08:27I'm a sleeping partner and I don't talk in me sleep.
08:32Oh. A cup of tea?
08:34Or a glass of cava if you're going to the bar.
08:37No problem.
08:38HE BELCHES
08:40SHE WHEEZES
08:44Oh, dear.
08:46HE WHEEZES
08:48HE WHEEZES
08:53I'm sorry, I'm not interrupting, am I?
08:56HE WHEEZES
09:02How can I help you?
09:04Matteo, the kitchen is in absolute chaos.
09:06What else is new?
09:08I need you to go to Benissa with Leslie to pick up some joints.
09:12Some joints?
09:14Really?
09:15I am so stressed out.
09:18I've been let down by my supplier.
09:23Your supplier has let you down?
09:25Yes.
09:27Miss Temple-Savage.
09:29You are really feeling the stress?
09:31Yes, I am.
09:33OK. I have one joint in my locker.
09:36Well, one isn't going to go very far, is it?
09:39No, you do not understand.
09:41This is the good shit.
09:43I beg your pardon?
09:45Maybe we can go together up on the fire escape and have it.
09:51I'm sorry, I'm confused. Have what?
09:54The good shit.
09:56On the fire escape?
09:58Why on earth would you do that?
10:00So nobody can smell it.
10:03Matteo, I can't believe what I'm hearing.
10:07Do you make a habit of doing this?
10:09No, no, Miss Temple-Savage.
10:11No more than one a day and always on the fire escape.
10:16Dear God.
10:18And I've been blaming the drains all these years.
10:22Right, meet Leslie in the reception in ten minutes and from now on...
10:30..you use the lavatory like everyone else.
10:34Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.
10:37Miss Temple-Savage.
10:55Hello, mate. Is Jose around?
10:57Yeah, he's inside.
10:58Can you tell him his new props are in?
11:00Yeah, sure. One second.
11:02Right, what's our USP?
11:04We haven't got one. We're already here.
11:06USP? Estimated time of arrival?
11:08That's ETA.
11:10ETA? That sounds nothing like USP.
11:13Yeah, USP is unique selling point.
11:15Erm...
11:17They get a free shot with their first drink?
11:19No, man, that's every bar you walk past.
11:22You need a USP. My USP is my body.
11:25Girls love a bit of muscle, do you know what I mean?
11:28Oh, yeah. Why don't you take your top off and I'll point at you?
11:32No, mate. We need to find your USP.
11:35Hello, boys.
11:37So, you are our new props?
11:40Yeah, I'm Tiger. This is Joey.
11:42OK, well, here you go.
11:44No drinking or smoking while you're out there.
11:46If you need any more flyers, come inside and ask me
11:49or talk to Mario, who you spoke to before, OK?
11:51Nice one.
11:53See you later.
11:59Right.
12:01I've got an idea.
12:03I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mate.
12:06I'm only plucking pheasants cos the pheasant plucker's late.
12:09What are you doing? A vocal warm-up.
12:11Let's stick to, she sells seashells on the seashore.
12:14Shall we?
12:16What about Peter Pector...
12:19Peter Piper...
12:21Pector...
12:23Peter Piper, Peter Pecker...
12:25All bollocks to it.
12:27Hey, what you doing? Just a bit of foundation.
12:30Bugger that. What kind of show are we making here?
12:32Don't be daft, Eddie. All the men on Downton Abbey wear make-up.
12:35I bet they do.
12:37Especially that butler who were a bit light in the loafers.
12:40All actors use it.
12:42They have to, to hide the decades of alcohol abuse.
12:46Here we go. That's it.
12:48You just need to look your best on camera.
12:50In that case, stick a paper bag on his head.
12:53The rustling will affect the sound, but it'll be worth it.
12:56Right. Listen, you...
12:58Oh, here we go.
13:00Hi. Anyone order a table for three?
13:02We could do with a tablecloth, really.
13:04Look, there's supposed to be a classy restaurant.
13:07Can we just get this thing started? It's got to be sent over by 2 o'clock.
13:10Right. Who am I playing?
13:11You're playing Chodi's grandmother.
13:13I don't look old enough to play her grandmother.
13:15You are her grandmother.
13:16I know, but I don't look old enough.
13:18Do you want this to be believable or not?
13:20What do I say in it?
13:22You haven't got any lines.
13:24Hang on a minute. No lines?
13:26I cancelled a hot stone massage
13:28and a pedicure to sit in the frigging background.
13:31You're supposed to be on holiday with us anyway.
13:34No, I'm not.
13:35I'm on my holiday and I'm visiting you on your holiday.
13:38Will everyone just stop bickering and whining for one minute?
13:42Can't we all at least pretend to have a degree of professionalism?
13:46Let me know when you've set everything up.
13:48I'm going over to my sunbed to learn me lines.
13:52Ooh!
13:53You've created a monster.
13:55Shut up.
13:57It's a tablecloth.
13:59But then again, the apple never falls far from the tree.
14:09Leslie, I hope you know what we are supposed to be doing
14:12because I have no idea whatsoever.
14:15Well, we're supposed to pick up some meat
14:17from a wholesale supplier in Benissa.
14:20But I've had an idea.
14:22Why am I not liking the sound of this?
14:24500 euros to collect 50 kilos of meat.
14:27I've made a few calls and I can get the same weight of meat
14:30for 400 euros.
14:32Leslie, maybe we should just go to Benissa.
14:35I am liking the easy life.
14:37We can't. I've cancelled the order.
14:39Oh, madre mia.
14:41Listen, why should Sam be the only one getting the backhanders?
14:45Backhander is like a slap in the face, no?
14:48No, what she did is a slap in the face
14:50when she finds out we're making more money on the side than her.
14:53But you liked her.
14:54I do, but that doesn't mean I want to be left behind
14:56when there's money to be made.
14:58All right, ladies, anything exciting happening?
15:01Yeah, we're just nipping out on an errand for Temple Savage.
15:04Hmm, sounds interesting.
15:07There is nothing for the back of your hand here.
15:09I suggest you carry on with finding the lost luggage
15:12of angry, drunk people.
15:14Come along, Leslie, we have business to be attending.
15:24Found a car seat then?
15:27Yeah. I had a look in lost property and there was one in there.
15:31Somebody might have left that behind by mistake and come back for it.
15:36Well, there'd be no point in them doing that.
15:39Why?
15:40Cos I've got it.
15:42Have you got no scruples?
15:44Yeah, of course I have.
15:46I just get a bit lost under my bum bag when I'm lying down.
15:49You know what I mean? I mean the conscience, morals.
15:52Look, I'm a businessman, Liam, I haven't got time for morals.
15:55I need that car seat to run my taxi business.
15:58Pretty sure you need a taxi licence too.
16:00Small print, Liam, love, small print.
16:03And a driver's licence helps.
16:05British points don't count over here, so I'm good to go, thank you.
16:09Well, that's all right then.
16:14Anyway, I've got a bone to pick with you, young man.
16:17Troy texted me earlier.
16:19Were you going to make an appearance at the salon today
16:22or were you just going to let Liam do everything?
16:24What, and you think I told him?
16:26Well, it wasn't Jacqueline.
16:27She's had so much breakfast car for today
16:29she can't even string a sentence together, let alone make a phone call.
16:32Works you up in the morning, four letters begins with C.
16:42Well, I'm not being funny, Kenneth.
16:44You know I think you're a brilliant stylist
16:46but you're hardly known for being the most hard-working.
16:49You're right.
16:51I think he's trying to catch me out.
16:53Do you think I should call his bluff?
16:55Yeah, text back saying you're working as hard as usual.
16:59No, hang on, don't say that.
17:03Ha-ha.
17:05Nice try, Troy,
17:07but I've actually been rushed off me feet all day.
17:12Thank you very much.
17:16But you're not rushed off your feet.
17:18Yeah, I am.
17:19Chock-a-block with bookings all day.
17:21Just not cutting people's hair.
17:25Ah!
17:26Crap!
17:27Bloody hell!
17:28I shit myself then.
17:31Can you get Tourette's in your sleep?
17:33I think she was answering her own crossword question.
17:35Oh.
17:36Oh.
17:37This'll be Troy.
17:39Offering up a slice of humble pie.
17:42OK, as long as you keep the door open for walk-ins,
17:45as this makes up 50% of the business.
17:48Winking smiley face.
17:52You?
17:53You told him?
17:54I haven't said a thing. Why do I care?
17:56I get paid a wage, it doesn't affect me.
17:59Hmm.
18:00It's not like I'm a partner in the business.
18:05What sleeping beauty it is.
18:07She said she wouldn't say anything.
18:09What was Sunsi about that?
18:11It's easy to catch a mouse.
18:13You just need enough cheese.
18:15I'll be fine.
18:16Just give it a good rinse under the tap.
18:28Ready.
18:29Action.
18:30Hang on a minute.
18:31I need to know what my motivation is.
18:33Cheap beer and ugly women.
18:35That's where you're wrong.
18:37I don't drink beer.
18:38It bloats me so much, terrible.
18:40So, you're admitting to the ugly women?
18:42If that's a crack about my ex-wife,
18:44I can assure you she didn't start out looking like that.
18:47No, but you started out looking like that, so what was her excuse?
18:51Right, that's it.
18:53Out of the way, you two. You're sacked.
18:55Sacked?
18:56You can't be sacked from something you weren't being paid to do.
18:59Yes, you can, cos I just sacked you.
19:01Can we just get on with it?
19:03Hang on, if you've sacked him, who does Geordie say a line to?
19:06It's supposed to be a grandad.
19:07Well, you can do it.
19:08Me? Playing a grandad?
19:10I barely look old enough to be a father.
19:12You do look tired, Billy.
19:13Oh, don't start with that again.
19:15You could get away with early 60s.
19:17Look, if we don't get on with this now, then we're never...
19:19You what?
19:20Can we hurry up? They need it emailed by two o'clock.
19:23Early 60s?
19:24Early...
19:25..skin 60s?
19:26What does that make you, 120?
19:28Oh, for goodness sake, it hardly matters.
19:30It's just a part you play in.
19:32My mam's right, it doesn't matter.
19:34You can play the grandad and you can play the grandmother.
19:36I beg your pardon?
19:37Oh, right.
19:38It's different with the orthopaedic shoes on the other foot.
19:41Hang on a minute.
19:42Where's our Geordie?
19:46Geordie Dawson.
19:48Grandad, can we go to the park tomorrow for my birthday?
19:51They've got a new playground there and I'd love to go.
19:55Oh, well, that was easy enough, wasn't it?
19:57You all right, darling?
19:58You just getting everything ready for you?
20:00It's all done.
20:01Can you email it to the address I gave you, please?
20:03Very happy to help.
20:05And when you get that, you need to forward it on to me, agent.
20:08Of course, will do.
20:09Mum, if anyone calls me, I'll be on the swings.
20:12OK, darling.
20:14I can see who wears the trousers in your house.
20:26Shh!
20:27Right, that's airport run number two done.
20:30Time for a coffee and a suck on my vape.
20:33A suck on who?
20:34My vaporiser.
20:35Oh.
20:37Now, I've been thinking,
20:39if it's not Jackalinger asking me up to Troy and it's not you,
20:43who is it?
20:45Will you give it a rest?
20:46No, I will not give it a rest.
20:48I feel like I don't turn me back on anyone.
20:50It's like being in the pink trombone on jockstrap night.
20:53Oh!
20:54So you're open now?
20:56Somebody at the reception was asking earlier.
20:58Yeah, but I'm sorry, we're not doing any walk-ins today, Joyce.
21:01Lovely Liam's rust off his little ginger feet, bless him.
21:04I'm just telling them you're open.
21:06Whether you're actually doing any work is your own affair.
21:14You really think he's got someone spying on you?
21:16Of course!
21:17Since the day he took over the lease on this salon,
21:19he's been on my back about every little thing.
21:21Why don't you answer your phone? Why is the salon never open?
21:24Honestly, it's relentless.
21:25Well, both of those are quite reasonable requests.
21:27Oh, so you're on his side, are you?
21:29I'm not on anybody's side,
21:30I'm just saying if I was paying the rent and bills for this place,
21:33I want it to be open every day.
21:34Liam, we're in Spain!
21:35It's not my fault you have a fiesta every time the mayor farts.
21:45Don't leave Mary's dye strips in too long,
21:48or she'll end up bright yellow like the last time.
21:51SHE GASPS
21:58Do you believe me now?
22:00Well, maybe you're right.
22:03SHE GASPS
22:04Temple Savage!
22:05What about her?
22:06She's a mole!
22:07Don't say that, I think she looks lovely today.
22:09No! A squealer, a rat.
22:11Temple Savage is the spy.
22:14No, she doesn't even know Troy.
22:17Oh, hang on.
22:19It's the 15th of the month, isn't it?
22:2112 o'clock, on the 15th,
22:24Mary comes in every month at the same time
22:29to get her roots done.
22:32That's true.
22:33He's pulling your leg, Kenneth.
22:37No-one's spying on us.
22:39I don't know, Liam, something stinks.
22:42And for once, it's not Mr Wu's conditioner.
22:55SHE LAUGHS
23:07Wait a minute.
23:09Ring the wrong number.
23:12I don't get it.
23:14OK, I have to go now.
23:18You must be Leslie.
23:20Yes, Mr Wu.
23:22I'm Leslie, this is Matthew.
23:24And you are looking for wholesale meat.
23:26That's right.
23:27What kind of meat you want?
23:29Mr Wu got chicken or beef?
23:31Whatever's going cheap.
23:33The chickens, when they are young, tend to go cheap.
23:36The cows, on the other hand, they go moo.
23:40THEY LAUGH
23:44Do you get it? Young chickens go cheap, cows go moo.
23:49Hey, crazy person.
23:51Do you have meat to sell to us or no?
23:53Hey, check yourself before you wreck yourself.
23:56Mr Wu got lots of meat.
23:59OK, let me look at the stock sheet.
24:02OK.
24:05Actually, we not got much chicken.
24:09We not got much beef.
24:12You want camel?
24:14If you making big pie,
24:16the hump stops the crust from sinking in the middle.
24:19THEY LAUGH
24:23Mr Wu only joking.
24:25Mr Wu does not sell camel.
24:28We got quite a lot of octopus.
24:30Mind you, very difficult to cook octopus.
24:33They keep reaching out the pan and turning off the gas.
24:37THEY LAUGH
24:40Listen, if you're just going to sit there telling Christmas jokes,
24:44we'll be on our way.
24:45OK, OK, let me have a look.
24:49What about panda?
24:51We got quite a lot of panda in the deep freeze.
24:54Oh, it's got to be fresh, we're going to...
24:56Panda? You don't mean the big black and white furry bear?
25:01What other pandas do you get?
25:03What's that taste like?
25:06It tastes a bit like penguin, but not as fishy.
25:11HE CLEARS THROAT
25:13Come on, we're off!
25:18You are a strange man.
25:22That's the problem with the British.
25:24No sense of humour.
25:29There's one more place we can try, but it's in Alicante.
25:32That's a two-hour round trip, and it's time that we haven't got.
25:36Maybe I call my friend Wolfgang. He has a farm.
25:39What kind of farm?
25:41Just a regular farm with cows, chicken, goats, pigs.
25:44Well, why didn't you bloody say so?
25:47You didn't ask.
25:48Get in the bloody farm!
25:57Remember, ladies, three shots inside,
26:00and I'll be coming in for a drink with you in a bit.
26:03Make sure you do.
26:06HE LAUGHS
26:09Oh, my days, you're like the Pied Piper of Hamleys.
26:12What's that mean?
26:13It's a story about a bloke who plays the trumpet
26:15and gets followed by loads of mice and rats.
26:17Except you're doing it with women, and you don't even need a trumpet.
26:21Well, I mean, they're all a bit mid-late,
26:23but at least they're still getting in.
26:25How are the free kisses going?
26:27I won't lie to you, Ty, it's not going great.
26:30I'm smiling at all the pretty girls,
26:32but getting nothing back.
26:33Pretty girls? Look at the muntas I'm dragging in.
26:36Mate, you need to caution it a bit wider.
26:39Oh, ladies, you look like you could do with a drink.
26:45All right, pal, get a free kiss, do I?
26:48Well, it's kind of meant for girls, but what the hell?
26:52Peace and love, my man, but just on the cheap, yeah?
26:55Nice one.
26:57Go on, then.
26:59Hey, I'm only joking, pal.
27:02Yeah, hilarious.
27:04Seriously, man, it was a joke.
27:05Yo, how's business, brother?
27:07Not great.
27:08Me and my mate are promoting this bar.
27:10I don't suppose you guys want a drink, do you?
27:12Well, there's 25 of us, the rest are on the beach.
27:15Oh, my days, 25 people, that would be amazing.
27:19Trouble is, Gary, the guy whose birthday it is,
27:21we played a trick on him and chucked all his clothes in the sea.
27:24Oh, no!
27:26Yeah.
27:27Anyway, we can't bring him in your bar in just his pants.
27:30No, they wouldn't like that.
27:32Exactly.
27:34But maybe if you could borrow your T-shirt?
27:36Yeah, man, of course.
27:38I'm not even wearing it.
27:39And your flip-flops?
27:41Sure, no worries.
27:45And your shorts?
27:47Erm...
27:49I don't know.
27:51There's that little thing you wear to the beach
27:53I don't know.
27:55There's at least 25 of us.
27:57Actually, probably near 30.
27:59Actually, my boxers look a bit like shorts anyway.
28:03Exactly.
28:04Right, we'd better get Barry the birthday boy.
28:06You mean Gary?
28:08Huh?
28:09You said his name was Gary.
28:11Oh, yeah. That's right.
28:13See you in five.
28:14Yeah, man.
28:15See you in five.
28:24Mate, where are your trousers?
28:27I've got a big gang of lads on the way.
28:32Oh, look at her. She's so happy.
28:34Imagine if she gets this job.
28:36Well, let's not get too excited.
28:38Why not? Why not get excited about things like this?
28:41Mind you, it's going to be very tricky if she gets really famous.
28:45You what?
28:46Well, you've seen how they hound these celebrities.
28:48They don't get a minute to themselves.
28:50She's auditioning for an advert for adult nappies.
28:52I don't think we're going to have to go extra-rectory just yet.
28:54She's going to get it. I just know she is.
28:57PHONE RINGS
28:59Who is it?
29:00Number withheld.
29:01Well, answer it, then.
29:02What, she hasn't got it?
29:03Answer the phone.
29:04What, she has got it?
29:05Answer the phone!
29:06They wouldn't ring so quick if she didn't like it.
29:08Oh, for God's sake!
29:09Hello, Billy Dawson speaking.
29:12Yeah, that's right, I'm Jodie's dad.
29:16Right.
29:18Right.
29:20I see.
29:21I see.
29:23OK.
29:24Can you give me your number?
29:29Yeah.
29:320207.
29:34Yeah.
29:36Yeah.
29:37OK, I got that. I'll ring you straight back.
29:41Well?
29:43She got the job...
29:44I knew it! I knew it!
29:46But she needs to be in London by tomorrow afternoon.
29:50What's wrong with that?
29:51Prices of flights to London last minute in high season.
29:53No-one cares about that. My mother-in-law lenders the money.
29:56Come on!
29:58Jodie! Jodie!
30:01You got the job!
30:02WHISTLE BLOWS
30:03SHE SCREAMS
30:04Come on!
30:10You've really got the sun, Jacqueline.
30:12Oh, do you think?
30:13Yeah.
30:14Necking a bottle of cava for breakfast
30:16and crashing out for the day really agrees with you.
30:19Right, no rest for the wicked.
30:21I'm going back to the airport.
30:23I shall return.
30:24You should get one of those car stickers that say
30:27Little Princess on board.
30:29Not sure I can get away with calling myself little anymore, Jacqueline.
30:32Oh, you know what I mean.
30:34For the baby.
30:36So will the drivers know to take a daisy round you.
30:39Jacqueline, we're in Spain.
30:41I can't put a baby on board sign-up. It's like Mad Max out there.
30:44It'd be like a red rag to a bull with these lot.
30:46But generally, you do need to be extra careful now, Kenneth.
30:49It's not just yourself you've got to worry about.
30:51I don't know where this reputation of me being a bad driver's come from.
30:54Four out of the last six of my accidents this year have been other people's fault.
30:57Well, exactly. There's a lot of bad drivers about.
30:59I'll put the kettle on.
31:01Right, keep this blind shut while I'm gone.
31:03I'm not sure what Troy's up to, but we best play extra safe.
31:06I don't want him finding out about all this stuff when he arrives tomorrow.
31:10Gonna find out eventually.
31:12It's not exactly an easy thing to hide.
31:15Yeah, well, you know who makes a fuss about everything?
31:17I just want to tell him in my own time when I'm ready.
31:20Adios, amigos.
31:27They're not coming back, are they?
31:30I don't think so, mate.
31:32You know what really hurts?
31:34I bet it wasn't Gary's birthday after all.
31:38Probably not.
31:41I think I'll head back to the hotel.
31:44You won't get paid.
31:46I don't deserve to get paid, Tag.
31:48I haven't got a single person to go in.
31:55Joey, come on.
31:58All for one...
32:00..and one for all.
32:02What are you doing, man?
32:04We are gonna do this...
32:07..properly.
32:09Properly.
32:32Come on, Joey!
32:39CHEERING
33:02Wolfgang, you are a good man. You have saved our bacon.
33:05Bacon? It's not your only chicken.
33:07If you want bacon, tell me now, because Helga has to kill a pig.
33:10No, no, my friend.
33:12Chicken saving the bacon is something the English say.
33:14We have everything. Pig, rabbit, goat, whatever you want.
33:17No, please, Wolfgang.
33:19We need 50 kilos of chicken. Nothing must go wrong with this.
33:22It's no problem.
33:24And, Wolfgang, the chickens must be dead.
33:26We have had problems before.
33:28You worry too much. You see Helga, my sister?
33:30She kills all the animals herself.
33:32What does she do? Just look at them?
33:35It's very funny, but since Helga was released from prison,
33:38the farmers never made so much money.
33:40Here is your change.
33:42Change? Of course.
33:44Always the best price for you, my friend.
33:46Hey, your sister, what was she in prison for?
33:49Oh, seven years.
33:51No, I mean, what did she do?
33:53Mateo, some questions it is better not to ask.
33:57Okay, we can deliver in one hour.
33:59I'll come back then if you want to collect yourself.
34:01No, I would like you to deliver to the Solana.
34:04I have developed a sudden aversion to farm jack life.
34:14Oh, my days. I'm beat.
34:17Yeah, me too.
34:19When do we get our money, dude? I need to buy me some new threads.
34:23Mate, I couldn't do that.
34:26Let's go, arms.
34:32Oh, man, you're the best mate anyone could wish for.
34:35We are the best team any bar could wish for.
34:38Damn right. Let's go.
34:40I can feel an all-inclusive beer coming on.
34:42Yeah, man.
34:44Adios.
34:46Adios.
34:48Adios.
34:51Adios.
34:53Hey, where you going?
34:55You missing the party?
34:57The big party called by us?
34:59The prop boy dream team?
35:02Are you all right?
35:04What are you both doing here?
35:06What do you think we're doing here?
35:08She got a point tag. We should have finished 20 minutes ago.
35:10We're going back to the Solana to celebrate.
35:12You coming for a drink?
35:14What exactly are you celebrating?
35:16A job well done. Just look at the place.
35:18It's heaving!
35:20Impressive. Very impressive.
35:22If it weren't the wrong bar...
35:24Say what?
35:26No, no, no, wait a minute.
35:28You said the Western Bar at the end of Caledrona.
35:30This is the end of Caledrona and that's the only Western Bar.
35:32First of all, this is the beginning of Caledrona.
35:35The hotel is there, so this is the beginning of Caledrona.
35:38This is not called the Western Bar.
35:40It's called Cowboys and Indians.
35:42Well, it's a Western Bar.
35:44Hang on.
35:46I spoke to the manager and he was expecting us.
35:48Is there a problem?
35:50Here we go.
35:52You said you were expecting us, didn't you?
35:54No.
35:56What?
35:58You came to my bar and you said you were in your props.
36:00What kind of bar manager would I be if I stopped people who wanted to work?
36:02Especially for free.
36:04You knew we were at the wrong bar.
36:06Have a good day, boys.
36:08Oh, and thanks for the business.
36:10Yee-haw!
36:13Oh, shit.
36:15Meanwhile, I've got Jose, the manager of the Western Bar,
36:17going crazy cos I let him down.
36:19Right, it's a ten-minute walk.
36:21If you set off now, he might be all right about you doing a couple of hours.
36:24Sorry, Sam, we're off. We're knackered.
36:26Can't you... Don't worry about the money.
36:28You can pay us tonight like we arranged.
36:30Joey, let's just go.
36:32SHE SCREAMS
36:35What do you mean, you've got no money?
36:37Just as I say, I'm spent up until my next pension.
36:40You've got to be joking.
36:42You're always spraying your money around.
36:44I know. That's why I don't have any until my next pension.
36:48How am I supposed to get £466 in the next few hours?
36:52Haven't you got a credit card?
36:54It's maxed out.
36:56Looks like I'm not the only one who sprays money around.
36:58Look, I've got an idea.
37:00Looks like I'm not the only one who sprays money around.
37:03Look, I might have an answer,
37:05but I'll have to be the one to go back with her.
37:08What do you mean?
37:10I've been saving up here, Miles, for years.
37:12I'll probably have enough, but only for two tickets,
37:15and I have to be one of the people travelling.
37:18Well, what do you say?
37:21SIGHS
37:27It was the 3rd of September
37:31That day I'll always remember
37:34Yes, I'll remember
37:37Well, I have to thank both you and Leslie.
37:41What started out as quite a sticky wicket
37:44has turned into an unmitigated success.
37:47We have been, as you say, saving the day.
37:50And I must congratulate the kitchen staff.
37:53This chicken stew is delicious.
37:55I've never tasted anything like this. Try it.
37:58Mind you, they did get a bit carried away
38:00and forgot to make a veggie option.
38:02Yes, Leslie's in the kitchen now, fixing this.
38:04Oh, yeah?
38:08Is everything all right?
38:10It is good. Very good.
38:13Mateo, what is wrong with the stew?
38:16Nothing. The stew is good, but the chicken is not chicken.
38:21Well, what's at the centre?
38:23It's conejo.
38:25Cornetto? How do you make stew out of that?
38:28No, conejo.
38:30What kind of meat is it?
38:32It is, how do you say, baby rabbit.
38:38You've made a stew out of baby rabbits?
38:41Yes, it's normal. It's typical in Spain.
38:44But the English...
38:46No, they are not liking this.
38:49Listen, everything will be OK,
38:51as long as all the staff know not to tell anyone
38:54that they're eating baby bunny rabbits.
38:57Do you understand? I understand.
39:00I'm sorry about the position you've been put in lately, Jacqueline.
39:03Oh, don't worry about me.
39:05I've been in more positions than a Russian gymnast.
39:08No, I mean about Kenneth and his taxi runs.
39:11You are a partner in Blow and Go.
39:13He's got such a cheek telling you not to tell Troy.
39:16I wouldn't blame you if you have.
39:18I've worked for him.
39:20I've worked for him.
39:22I've worked for him.
39:24I've worked for him.
39:26I wouldn't blame you if you have.
39:28Have what?
39:30Told Troy about Kenneth's taxi business.
39:32Oh, don't be daft.
39:34I've got no money invested in the business.
39:36Troy just made me a partner to make me feel included.
39:40I thought you were annoyed when you didn't answer my text earlier today.
39:43I didn't get a text off you.
39:45Did you not?
39:47Honestly, these bloody Spanish mobiles.
39:49It said, um,
39:52Hey, Jacqueline.
39:54Thanks for keeping Kenneth's little secret.
39:56He'll tell Troy in his own time,
39:58but he's so stressed and tired with the late nights and early mornings,
40:01he doesn't need Troy criticising his choices right now.
40:05Any more thoughts about a name?
40:07No, I didn't get that.
40:09Oh.
40:11Oh, sugar.
40:13What?
40:14I sent that to Troy by mistake.
40:16Look at that.
40:18The sweet smell of success.
40:20It's 200 euros there.
40:22And you said this taxi business was a bad idea.
40:25Right. Food.
40:27Oh, Mateo, love.
40:29I'll have the steak and kidney pie and falafel.
40:32Oh, we have slight problems in the kitchen today.
40:35We only have a stew or veggie surprise.
40:38Oh, stew.
40:40Don't know if I fancy that.
40:41What kind of stew?
40:43Just regular stew.
40:44And what kind of meat is it?
40:47It's what we are calling mystery meat.
40:50It's fun for the children, no?
40:52Veggie surprise for me.
40:54Yeah, for me as well.
40:56I'll go with the mystery meat stew.
40:58I think I've had every kind of meat going,
41:01so I might be the one to solve the mystery.
41:04Muchas gracias.
41:07APPLAUSE
41:12Benny Doll's very own Motown Jonathan there.
41:15He'll be back later.
41:17But first, the star of the show is you.
41:20It's karaoke time.
41:23Starting in five minutes' time.
41:26OK, one mystery meat stew.
41:29How was veggie surprise?
41:31Oh, I was begging to pardon.
41:33And one veggie surprise.
41:35Would you need anything else?
41:37No, I'm OK, thanks.
41:39Excuse me, I'm going to sound really stupid here,
41:42but this veggie surprise looks like it's got meat in it.
41:45Yes, I know.
41:47This is the surprise.
41:49Mmm.
41:51Actually, as surprises go,
41:53you've got to admit, that's quite a good one.
41:58Mum, I'm too excited to go to sleep.
42:01Mum, I'm too excited to go to sleep.
42:03You are going to bed right after our tea.
42:06Where's that bloody waiter?
42:08You excited about going to London, Jodie?
42:10Oh, all right, we're all excited, but that's enough.
42:13And you don't mind going with your nana, darling?
42:15I told you, I don't mind who I go with.
42:17Oh, we are all so proud of you.
42:19What's this? We haven't ordered yet.
42:22Special stew for everyone tonight.
42:24Oh, what kind of stew?
42:27Oh, get it, Hettan.
42:29The people starving, you know, he fakes.
42:33Mmm.
42:38Mate, I'm not feeling this stew.
42:40Do you want to try the veggie surprise?
42:50Oh, there you are.
42:52I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
42:54Listen, that wasn't our fault today.
42:56We made a genuine mistake, and OK, it was the wrong bar,
43:00but we packed the place out and I think we did a good job.
43:03Calm down, don't get your mancini in a twist.
43:05I bring good news.
43:07Jose from the Westerbar was pissed off you didn't turn up,
43:10but the bar opposite where you were was so impressed
43:12with the crowd you pulled, they've asked
43:14if you can work for them a couple of hours tonight.
43:16I don't know. I think we've had enough for one day.
43:19What do you say, Joey?
43:21My old man always said,
43:22why spend money when you can be earning it?
43:26Why not do both?
43:27I tell you what, why don't we do it all together?
43:29Wouldn't mind seeing you in your pants again.
43:31What about me?
43:32I want talking to you.
43:35Right, we leave in ten minutes,
43:37but first of all, I feel this song coming on.
43:47Ladies and gentlemen,
43:48just before I start us off with the karaoke,
43:50I've been asked by a few people
43:52about the food being served this evening.
43:54We're glad you're enjoying it,
43:56and if you want to make it at home,
43:58just see your favourite barman, Matteo,
44:01who'll be pleased to give you his recipe
44:03for little baby rabbit stew.
44:08Oh, my God!
44:09Is it a kind of dream?
44:13Is that right what she just said?
44:14Georgie, it's OK.
44:15Little baby rabbit stew, eh?
44:17Oh, my God!
44:19Oh, my God!
44:34Honestly, Liam, you're driving along
44:36with the wind in your hair
44:37and the sound of children screaming,
44:39drowned out by bananarama on the sound system.
44:41You wonder why you spend most of your days
44:43cooped up in that salon, you really do.
44:45You're not thinking of leaving the salon, are you?
44:47No, don't be ridiculous.
44:48Some things in life you can't fight.
44:49I was born to style.
44:50But I am going to tell Troy tomorrow
44:52that I'm going part-time.
44:54Thanks, love.
44:55Did you hear what Sam said?
44:57It's all rabbit.
44:58Doesn't bother me.
45:00There's not much veg in it for stew, is there?
45:04Mind you, if it is rabbit,
45:06I'd probably eat all the carrots.
45:14Another text from Troy.
45:16He's so excited about seeing you tomorrow,
45:18the champagne will be on me
45:20for us to celebrate the pitter-patter of tiny feet.
45:25So that's why he's been sending angry, stressed-out messages.
45:29Why?
45:30Well, I know him and Gavin have talked about it,
45:33but I can't believe he's done it on his own.
45:36He's adopted a baby.
45:38Oh!
45:40Oh, my God.
46:10Oh, my God.