Scholarship Shenanigans
From "The REAL College Survival Guide" by Kevin Lawson
Transcript
00:00You know, when I first heard about the scholarship competition, I thought,
00:04this is it, my golden ticket to a debt-free education.
00:08I mean, who wouldn't want to compete for a scholarship?
00:11It's like the Hunger Games, but instead of fighting to the death,
00:15we're just fighting to see who can write the most heart-wrenching essay
00:19about why we deserve free money.
00:22I can practically hear the dramatic music playing in the background
00:26as I sit down to craft my masterpiece.
00:29So there I was, armed with my laptop, a half-eaten bag of stale chips,
00:35and a caffeine-fueled determination that could rival a caffeinated squirrel.
00:40I opened a blank document and stared at the cursor blinking at me
00:44like it was mocking my very existence.
00:47Come on, brain, you've got this, I thought,
00:50as if my brain was some kind of underperforming student in a motivational seminar.
00:55I started with the classic approach.
00:58Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of making a difference in the world.
01:02But then I realized, wait a minute,
01:05I didn't even know what I wanted to be when I grew up until last week.
01:09So I scrapped that line.
01:11I mean, who am I kidding?
01:13My biggest dream as a child was to have a pet dinosaur.
01:17I could just see the scholarship committee reading that and thinking,
01:21well, this kid clearly has no grasp on reality.
01:24Next!
01:25Then I thought, maybe I should go for the sob story angle.
01:29You know, the classic, I grew up in a one-room shack
01:32with nothing but a single light bulb and a dream.
01:35But then I remembered my parents have a pretty nice house,
01:39and I have my own room.
01:41So I decided to dial it back a bit.
01:43I grew up in a house with Wi-Fi, but sometimes the connection was slow.
01:48Yeah, that'll tug at the heartstrings.
01:51Next, I moved on to the I've overcome adversity section.
01:56I thought about all the times I had to struggle through high school,
01:59like that time I had to wake up before noon to study for finals.
02:03But let's be real, that's not exactly a heroic tale.
02:08I fought valiantly against the forces of procrastination.
02:12I could see the committee rolling their eyes.
02:15Oh, what a brave soul!
02:17How did they manage to battle the Netflix monster?
02:20Then came the part where I had to list my accomplishments.
02:23I mean, what do I even put?
02:25I once won a participation trophy in a spelling bee.
02:29Or, I have a collection of all the memes I've created over the years.
02:34I could see it now.
02:35This kid is clearly a meme master.
02:37Let's give them all the money.
02:39Finally, I decided to go with humor.
02:42I thought, if I can't impress them with my life story,
02:46maybe I can make them laugh.
02:48So I wrote about how I once tried to bake cookies for a fundraiser
02:52and ended up creating a new form of charcoal.
02:55I mean, who knew that baking soda could explode?
02:59I could practically hear the committee chuckling
03:01as they read about my culinary disaster.
03:04This kid may not have a perfect GPA,
03:07but they sure know how to make a mess.
03:10After hours of typing, deleting, and rewriting,
03:13I finally had my essay.
03:16I hit send and sat back, feeling a mix of relief and dread.
03:21What if they didn't get my humor?
03:24What if they thought I was just a goofball who didn't take anything seriously?
03:28But then again, maybe that's exactly what they needed.
03:32A little laughter in a sea of serious essays
03:35about world-changing aspirations and overcoming poverty.
03:40So here's to the scholarship committee.
03:42May they appreciate my unique brand of chaos and humor.
03:46And if not, well, at least I can say I tried.
03:50And who knows?
03:52Maybe one day I'll be the proud owner of a pet dinosaur after all.