Taskmaster NZ S05E01
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00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Oh!
00:07Come here.
00:08Come here.
00:09Jiggle-biddle-chee!
00:10Oh!
00:11Yeah!
00:12Yeah!
00:13He-he-he-he!
00:15E te ti, e te ta.
00:21Nau mai, haere mai.
00:27Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster.
00:33Yes, we're over the moon to be back for another 10 episodes of mayhem, and by we, I mean me.
00:52Over the next 10 episodes, we'll watch with sick fascination as five New Zealand comedians
00:58with non-overlapping audiences compete in what can only be described as a dog show for
01:05humans.
01:08But why have these five comedians signed away their dignity for, let's be honest, less money
01:13than you might think?
01:15Well, it's all for a chance to get their hands on this.
01:22The Taskmaster trophy made from pure 24-carat fool's gold.
01:29Let's meet the five brave comedians.
01:31They are Abbie Howes, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sprower, and Tom Sainsbury.
01:44Now unfortunately, one of our comedians, Tofinga Thepulea, he can't be with us here in the
01:50studio.
01:51But for that reason, we have a cavalcade of fan favourites stepping up to defend his
01:56honour.
01:57So please welcome, for episode one, Madeleine Samy.
02:01And you know how the saying goes, beside every great man in a big chair is another smaller
02:09man in a less impressive chair.
02:12And for me, that other smaller man is none other than Paul Williams.
02:21It's so good to be back, Jeremy.
02:23And I've actually got you an opening night gift.
02:26It's a finger painting from my nephew.
02:35He's incredibly talented.
02:38Someone can grab that.
02:40We'll deal with that a little bit later on.
02:43So what are we going to start with, the prize task?
02:46So tonight we've asked our five comedians to bring in the worst cup.
02:53And the winner of tonight's episode will get to take home all five terrible cups.
02:57All right.
02:58We're going to start with Abbie.
02:59Hello.
03:00Abbie, what is your terrible cup that you've brought in?
03:03First of all, it doesn't function as a cup.
03:05It's got a lot of holes in it.
03:08But also, it says, I exclusively drink piss.
03:12Wow.
03:13So you know, it's bad functionally, but it also maybe starts a conversation you don't
03:19want to start.
03:22So let's just say that I do drink piss, and I don't mind letting people know about it.
03:30I mean, apart from the holes in it, what would be wrong with this?
03:34Well, also, the handle looks like an anus as well.
03:38I think if you did like drinking piss, the holes might actually be a positive.
03:41You get more.
03:43Also replicate kind of...
03:45Paul, when you pee, does it spritz everywhere?
03:50Because you should get that looked at.
03:51There's three solid...
03:52Right.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Wow.
03:55Ben, I don't know how you're going to come back from this to be honest.
03:57I don't want to take it down, but this comes from genuine trauma, because this is the 2019
04:03Cricket World Cup, which of course, New Zealand didn't win in horrific circumstances, and
04:11cricket fans like me, we carry this trauma with us forever, so this is easily the worst
04:15cup.
04:16Yeah.
04:17Okay.
04:18I actually, I'm not really pleased that you've brought that trauma back to me.
04:21That's super over.
04:22That's one of the worst moments of my life.
04:23What happened?
04:24You don't want to know.
04:25You'll just keep talking about it.
04:26Did someone die?
04:27Did a man die?
04:30Like a part of all of us died.
04:32Yeah.
04:33Hayley.
04:34Jeremy, I'd like to, well actually all of us, I'd like to cast our minds back to the
04:38wonderful year that was 2020, and we'd just been thrown into lockdown.
04:43So I made my partner Aaron and I a little tray for his trinkets, which I thought was
04:48quite cute, and he made me this, which is...
04:52Wow.
04:53Okay.
04:54So your fiancé has lovingly made you this thing, and then you've brought it on national
04:59television and absolutely humiliated him.
05:02Yeah.
05:03In the hopes that I don't win today and it's no longer on display in my kitchen, pride
05:09of place.
05:10Smart.
05:11Madeleine, what have you brought in?
05:12I've just put it up on screen actually.
05:13Yep.
05:14Wowzers.
05:15That's a gun cup.
05:17It's my friend's cup.
05:19It's just awful.
05:20They got it in Vegas because they went to a gun range and that was the merch on offer.
05:24Although you're thinking now, aren't you, with what's been offered so far, that that
05:28gun cup's looking pretty bloody good, isn't it?
05:29Yeah.
05:30You could get so much piss in there, no problem.
05:34Tom, how are you feeling about what you brought in?
05:37Look, mine is aesthetically pleasing, sure, but I want to get a movement against the style
05:42of cup.
05:43And here's...
05:44Here it is.
05:45You might notice something missing here.
05:47The amount of times I've been, here you go, here's your green tea, hussah, hussah, hussah,
05:52hussah, and having to hold it, having to hold it like that.
05:55So I'm railing against a style of cup.
05:58Wow.
06:01I've got the audience on side.
06:02How am I going to judge this?
06:04I personally love the Cricket World Cup, so I'm going to give Ben one point there.
06:10Oh, come on.
06:11Madeline two points, because that's also quite a cool cup.
06:14That's a good cup.
06:15It is a good cup.
06:16Sorry, Toffinger.
06:17Sorry, Toffinger.
06:18Tom gets three.
06:19Yes.
06:20Middle.
06:21And then I will go four points for Hayley, five points for Abbey.
06:27Oh, thank you.
06:29All right.
06:30Let's rip into the first proper task, shall we, Paul?
06:34For sure, Jeremy.
06:35And I think you'll like this one because it's a little bit sensual.
06:38Mmm.
06:45Hello.
06:46Hello, Abbey.
06:49Hello, Hayley.
06:52Hello, Toffinger.
06:53Hey, Paul.
06:54Hi.
06:55Hello, Tom.
06:57The senses.
06:59Choose three of your five senses to lose for the next task.
07:04And place them in the bin.
07:06Can I get rid of three?
07:08Yes, please.
07:09These are the three I'm going to get rid of.
07:11You're keeping touch and hearing.
07:13I reckon I could do everything with touch and sight.
07:19I want to see and I want to feel.
07:21Paul, tonight I'm going with eyes and smell.
07:24I'm going to lose that one.
07:26OK.
07:27You happy with that?
07:28I'm going to be kicking myself soon, but I'm happy with it.
07:32Thank you, sir.
07:36Attach your sense blockers, then follow the instructions.
07:40Fastest wins.
07:42Your time starts when the phone rings.
07:44Attach my sense blockers?
07:46Yes, we'll bring those.
07:48OK.
07:49Yeah.
07:52I am fascinated to know what kind of bizarre adventure, Paul,
07:55you've got lined up for these guys.
07:58Let's see what happens.
07:59First up are the three comedians I would rank first, second and third.
08:04Alphabetically.
08:06It's Abbey, Ben and Hayley.
08:08Your time starts when the phone rings.
08:10We'll get your sense blockers now.
08:12Excellent.
08:16Can you hear me?
08:18Can I hear you?
08:19No.
08:22Oh, no.
08:24I guess I don't know when the phone rings.
08:27Cos I can't hear anything.
08:32I don't know what to do.
08:33Did you give me instructions?
08:35They're on the phone.
08:36Oh, they're on the phone?
08:37Yeah.
08:39It's an issue, isn't it?
08:41Can't hear the phone.
08:42Where's the phone?
08:45These phones?
08:48Why did I choose smell?
08:50Is it on you?
08:51Yes.
08:53Oh, here.
08:54Do you have a phone in your pocket?
08:56Yes.
08:57Can I see it?
08:59Answer.
09:00Take a mug of almond milk and serve it to the mannequin in the field.
09:04I can't hear it.
09:05You're going to have to describe for me what they're saying.
09:08Hi, I can't hear you.
09:10Can you text me?
09:11I would be forever grateful if you could send me a text.
09:15Pick up.
09:17Take.
09:18Cup.
09:19Mug.
09:20Take a mug of...
09:23Take a mug of almond milk.
09:25And serve it to the mannequin in the field.
09:28Then ring the bell.
09:31What is that? A mannequin?
09:32Take a mug of almond milk to the mannequin.
09:37Ring the bell!
09:38Okay, a mug of almond milk.
09:44I can't taste any of them.
09:45No.
09:46Maybe.
09:48Maybe.
09:49I think...
09:50Ow.
09:51Ow.
09:53What does almond milk feel like?
09:54Too creamy.
09:55Maybe this one.
09:57I think it's this.
09:59Okay, that's that.
10:00Alright, I'm going to the field.
10:02Okay, here we go.
10:04Oh, blooming heck!
10:06Oh no!
10:07Mother of pearl.
10:11Where's the mannequin?
10:13Yes!
10:14Alright, off we go to the field, Paul.
10:19The mannequin!
10:20Argh!
10:24Oh gosh!
10:25Milady?
10:26Milady?
10:33Stop the clock.
10:34Is that it?
10:35I've stopped the clock.
10:36I can't hear you, sorry.
10:38Act it out.
10:40Stop, you stopped the clock!
10:42Fascinating.
10:43Ben, what does almond milk feel like?
10:45It's an excellent question, Jeremy.
10:46I'm not that familiar with the nut milks, so I had to just kind of guess.
10:47It's kind of watery, I guess.
10:48Yeah.
10:49I don't drink cow milk, and I was like, I've got this with that technique.
10:50Did I detect, Abbey, that at one stage you were trying to smell which phone was ringing?
10:51No.
10:52No.
10:53No.
10:54No.
10:55No.
10:56No.
10:57No.
10:58No.
10:59No.
11:00No.
11:01No.
11:02No.
11:03No.
11:04No.
11:05No.
11:06No.
11:07No.
11:08No.
11:09No.
11:10No.
11:12Me too.
11:13You're like, is the phone still ringing?
11:14Yeah.
11:15I was like, I've got smell, I've got to learn, I've got to learn to rely on this.
11:19But then I didn't use smell for the milks.
11:25What about the times?
11:26Ben, seven minutes exactly.
11:28Wow.
11:29Wow.
11:30Really?
11:31We don't know if that's good.
11:32We don't know.
11:33Calm down.
11:34Abbey, 13 minutes and 13 seconds.
11:37Hayley, 10 minutes and 16 seconds.
11:40However, she did slightly get the mannequin's order wrong.
11:46The mannequin wanted almond milk.
11:48She took some flowery water.
11:51I am so convinced.
11:54Did I get the milk correct?
11:55Correct milk.
11:56You did?
11:57I got that just on vibe.
11:59That's so true.
12:01I vibed the correct milk.
12:03Yes.
12:04Wow.
12:05Okay, now the moment we've all been waiting for.
12:08Season five's very first Ad Break.
12:11We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:14âªâª
12:26Koutou koutou, Arnold!
12:27Welcome back to the season five premiere of Taskmaster.
12:31Where are we, Paul?
12:33Up next, the two comedians
12:35I would rank last and second to last.
12:37Personality-wise, it's Taufinga and Tom.
12:49Time will start when the phone rings.
12:52Oh no.
12:56Where's the phone?
12:58Oh, there we go.
13:00Hello?
13:02My instructions start when the phone rings.
13:04I've got to take a mug of almond milk to a mannequin.
13:08Is she going to have to go up to the kitchen?
13:11Good evening.
13:20Stop the clock.
13:21Oh shit.
13:23Almond milk. Am I finding almond milk?
13:26Stop the clock.
13:30We're in the kitchen.
13:32What's this in my hand now?
13:34That's a bottle.
13:35Of?
13:36I'm not sure.
13:37I'm going to go to the kitchen and find almond milk.
13:39Okay, but I have stopped the clock.
13:42Do you want to test that for me, if that's almond milk?
13:46I'm not sure.
13:48Hey Tom.
13:50Tom.
13:51What about this one?
13:53I think that's glue.
13:54Oh, sorry bro.
13:55No, that's okay.
13:56Oh no, if I knew that I would have told you to drink the whole bottle.
14:00Oh.
14:01Stop the clock.
14:03What was that?
14:04I should have taken the instructions.
14:06I'll be back.
14:09Is that almond milk?
14:11No, it's yoghurt.
14:12Try this one.
14:15It tastes like maybe paint.
14:16Oh, sorry bro.
14:17No, that's okay.
14:19I have stopped the clock.
14:21Five.
14:22You don't need to do any of this.
14:24Okay, I'm going to take this with me.
14:27That could be almond milk.
14:28This one.
14:29Maybe we try that last bottle again, just to make sure.
14:34Paint, for sure.
14:35Okay, we'll go with this one.
14:38Tom.
14:39Can you hear me?
14:40I've stopped the clock already.
14:42The task is done.
14:44Okay.
14:45Yeah, keep going.
14:46It's just open pastures.
14:49You happy with that?
14:51Five.
14:52I stopped the clock a long time ago.
14:54Five.
14:55Easy as that.
14:57I've stopped the clock.
14:58Hello?
15:00Are you happy with that?
15:01You happy?
15:02I've stopped the clock.
15:03Oh, have you?
15:04Yeah.
15:05Is that it?
15:06Yeah.
15:11Tom, I now understand why you look so uncomfortable
15:14when you're watching everyone else's.
15:16I know, a lot of mistakes made.
15:18You did so much more than you needed to.
15:20I know.
15:21Life in general for me, really.
15:22Yeah.
15:23Did I get the milk right?
15:24Did I get the milk right?
15:25It was the correct milk.
15:26What?
15:27But...
15:28But...
15:29But it wasn't in a mug?
15:30It wasn't in a mug.
15:31And your time ends when you ring the bell, so...
15:34Oh, what?
15:35Yes.
15:37So, one minute 33, and he did ring the bell,
15:40and then he continued for a further 12 and a half minutes.
15:44Tofinga, 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
15:47We spent quite a long time trying the different liquids.
15:50Yeah, I could see that.
15:51Yeah, he made me try a few multiple times.
15:54I probably should say to anyone watching,
15:56don't drink glue or paint.
16:00Do drink piss.
16:04Exclusively.
16:06Should we have a look at how we're going to score that?
16:08Well, both Hayley and Tom did not complete the task.
16:12Yeah.
16:13So, what do you think for them?
16:14Zero.
16:15Zero for both?
16:16Julie!
16:17Well, you didn't complete the task, you don't get a point.
16:19He's going to do what he's going to do.
16:22It's brutal, guys.
16:23I've done a whole season in this way.
16:25Just got to toughen up.
16:27So, Tom disqualified, Hayley disqualified.
16:30Three points for Tofinga.
16:31Yeah.
16:33With 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
16:36Four points for Abby, and five points for Ben Hurley.
16:44So, what is our scoreboard looking like now, Paul?
16:47Out in first with nine points, Abby Howells.
16:54OK.
16:55Let's chuck on another task.
16:57Warning, this next task could get a little messy,
17:01but I'm about to press play,
17:04and you Maradona wanna miss this one.
17:07Oh, my gosh.
17:16Oh, yeah.
17:18Can't see Paul.
17:19Can't see Paul.
17:20Paul?
17:23Hello, Paul?
17:30Oh, what?
17:32Are you serious, Paul?
17:34Whoa!
17:38No, no!
17:39Oh!
17:42That was really impressive.
17:43Thanks for saying it.
17:46Celebrate a football goal.
17:49Most glorious goal celebration wins.
17:51You may only take one kick.
17:53If you miss, you must celebrate regardless.
17:57You have 30 minutes.
17:58Your time starts now.
18:01And do you have a signature celebration?
18:03Well, I'm a New Zealander, so...
18:07Still somebody watching would go,
18:09a bit much, mate?
18:10Yeah.
18:11Have you ever seen Les Mis, Paul?
18:13Have I seen it?
18:14I performed in it.
18:15Who did you play?
18:16Javert.
18:17Oh.
18:19Got a barbecue and some chicken nibbles.
18:22Make sure there's heaps, man.
18:23OK, I'll try.
18:24I'll put in a good word for you.
18:25With the taskmaster?
18:26Yeah.
18:27OK, thank you.
18:28What's his name again?
18:29The taskmaster?
18:30Yeah.
18:31I see him on TV every now and then.
18:32Him and the lady.
18:33What's her name?
18:34You don't know her name?
18:36Hilary Clinton, mate.
18:37It's Hilary Clinton.
18:41So that whole intro is clearly designed
18:43to show off your football prowess.
18:45Essentially, yeah.
18:46And then there was an open goal
18:48and you hit the corner of the post.
18:50Yeah.
18:51I could see how genuinely gutted you were there.
18:53Yeah.
18:54I didn't realise when you came in, Paul,
18:56that the assumption was that
18:58you would play with you with the ball.
19:00You know?
19:01Other people were like,
19:02you know,
19:03I'm going to get in the goal and have a bit of fun.
19:05But I just watched.
19:07Ironically, it works.
19:08You were the one person I didn't score against.
19:10Yeah.
19:12It's OK, Paul.
19:13I disconcert people.
19:17OK, shall we see some celebrations?
19:19Who's up first?
19:20Serving up a healthy portion of goal,
19:23it's Taufinga.
19:26This is for you, Paul.
19:29Yeah!
19:30Yeah!
19:31All right!
19:32Woo!
19:33Woo-hoo!
19:35Pacha!
19:36Lubach!
19:37Hey, hey!
19:38Ho!
19:39Hey, hey!
19:40Ho!
19:41Tank!
19:42Tsum!
19:43Double tank!
19:44Tsum, tsum!
19:45Away, away!
19:46Issa!
19:47All right!
19:48Yeah, Paul!
19:49Dance for me, Paul.
19:50Give me a T.
19:51Yeah!
19:52O.
19:53O!
19:54F.
19:55F!
19:56I.
19:57I!
19:58G.
19:59What's with a G, what's that?
20:00G, capital G.
20:01Oh, G!
20:02A.
20:04Yeah, Paul!
20:05Woo-hoo!
20:08Have you cooked that enough?
20:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good stuff.
20:11You want a patty or?
20:12I'm vegetarian.
20:13Yeah, the chicken's vegetarian.
20:15I don't think so.
20:16That looks like real chicken.
20:17Yeah, but it doesn't eat meat.
20:19It's a vegetarian chicken.
20:21Oh, it eats like grains.
20:22Yeah, and the patty's definitely vegetarian.
20:24That's absolutely not vegetarian.
20:31That's genius.
20:32That made me so happy.
20:33It's awesome.
20:35I love the sausage sizzle!
20:37What were the crew like behind the camera?
20:40I feel like they would have just been like,
20:41that's just the kind of thing that gets the crew so excited.
20:44You know what I mean?
20:45I mean, yeah, I think they were just kind of like...
20:50So, had of you eaten that chicken,
20:52like, how long was the...
20:54How long would I have had to live?
20:56Not long.
20:57Right.
20:58No, he'd cooked the chicken for, I measured 44 seconds.
21:02Well done.
21:03OK, I'd like to see another comedian
21:05do an elaborate, over-the-top celebration
21:07after scoring an open goal from two metres away, please, Paul.
21:10Will he bend it like Beckham or bend it like Hurley?
21:16Ben Hurley steps up for new club Spurs City United
21:21to score a goal.
21:23Here he goes.
21:25And it's in!
21:26It's a goal!
21:28Oh!
21:31Oh!
21:32Oh!
21:33He's scored a goal!
21:35Who are you? Who are you?
21:37I'll be back soon, lads.
21:39I'm a famous footballer now,
21:40so I'm going to get on my Aston Martin
21:42and go marry a supermodel.
21:49I now pronounce you husband and wife.
21:52I love you, supermodel lady.
21:54I love you.
21:55Football Ben Hurley.
21:59Oh, wow.
22:01What a fantastic footballing career.
22:04Hello?
22:05What?
22:06Tax?
22:07How often do I have to pay that?
22:09Every year?
22:14Oh, thank God we've moved to a country
22:16with such lax tax laws like Switzerland.
22:19That was close.
22:20Hey, why do you have a suitcase, sweetheart?
22:29I scored a goal.
22:32I scored a goal.
22:35Who are you?
22:37Who are you?
22:39Oh, wow!
22:42That was good, that was good.
22:44So that was an amazing story arc there.
22:46There was a beginning, a middle,
22:48and then about six endings.
22:51Yeah, it was a long denouement,
22:53as they say in the film industry.
22:55And what sort of car were you driving when you went out there?
22:58Was that a Toyota Realm?
23:00I believe it was an Aston Martin.
23:02I think it was a Toyota Aston Martin.
23:04No, it was a type of Aston Martin called a Demio.
23:09Yes.
23:10Can you show me another one, please?
23:12Behind every great goalkeeper,
23:14there's a ball from Tom Sainsbury.
23:21I did it!
23:24I did it! I did it!
23:26Yay!
23:33Yeah!
23:35What, ref?
23:36What do you mean, ref?
23:37That wasn't a foul.
23:38What are you doing, Bianca?
23:40Bianca, this is about you and me.
23:42This is personal.
23:43It's got nothing to do with the rest of the team.
23:46Oh, here we go again.
23:48I was too focused on my football career.
23:50Relationships are an equation of two people, Bianca.
23:54Yeah, I've been thinking about you every day, too.
23:59I think you look pretty great in the ref outfit as well.
24:02I really liked how you blew your whistle.
24:13You happy with that?
24:15I'd say that would get me fourth place.
24:17That's what you're going for?
24:20APPLAUSE
24:22I thought that's bold of you, Tom,
24:24to think that that's going to get you fourth place.
24:27What is it with you footballers and these off-pitch relationships?
24:32I don't know, just red-blooded blokes up here, eh?
24:35Yeah.
24:37I agree with you on Bianca's reffing, though.
24:39That was absolute rubbish.
24:41You had an open goal.
24:42Exactly.
24:43What was the foul?
24:44And where was the defence?
24:47Well, exactly, there's no defence.
24:49Good sport turn there, Tom, well done.
24:53There was some glory in that celebration, but it was tragic.
24:56Yeah, it was tragic that we now know how Tom Sainsbury pashes.
24:59Really?
25:01So much lip.
25:02So much lip.
25:03Yeah, but it was like kissing a piece of wood, you know,
25:05like she was giving nothing.
25:07Wow, wow.
25:11That's just how girls kiss.
25:13Yeah.
25:14It's not.
25:18Alright, time now for you at home to celebrate
25:21by taking advantage of these fantastic deals
25:23from our commercial sponsors.
25:25We'll see you after the break.
25:39Nomai Hukumai, welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:41A beautiful show where we're playing the beautiful game.
25:44Isn't that right?
25:45I like beautiful, Paul.
25:47Kind of, thanks for calling me beautiful.
25:49We're watching our contestants celebrate scoring a goal.
25:52Most glorious celebration win.
25:54So far we've had two break-ups
25:56and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
26:00What have we got next?
26:02Hayley Sproul?
26:03More like Hayley Wow, what a goal.
26:15No!
26:33Where's my girlfriend?
26:34Come here, baby.
26:35You're going to want to get this.
26:37Paulina, I wanted to wait for this moment
26:39where I won the World Cup for Aotearoa New Zealand.
26:43Shoot.
26:47Will you marry me, baby?
26:48Of course I will.
27:06Sorry, my nipples.
27:09I think having a goalie in there really creates some authenticity
27:13and it really ups the stakes.
27:15Yeah, it did.
27:16I think as well, I was really excited to see the slow-mo,
27:20but boy, it was really giving a lot, wasn't it?
27:23Can I just point out that I feel that there wasn't enough lip in that.
27:28Paul and I both went to drama school
27:30and it's a very old technique that you use to kiss
27:33when it's not appropriate to touch lips.
27:35Well, that was money well spent, my friend.
27:38Well, at least you used a proper human and not a mannequin.
27:43And can I just say the authenticity of that lesbian Paulina's undercut?
27:48Honestly?
27:49Yeah.
27:50It was hot.
27:51I felt seen.
27:52I felt my people were seen.
27:54I think you're an incredible ally, Paul.
27:57It is definitely the least toxic relationship that we've seen so far.
28:03Yeah.
28:04Do you feel like on the scale from mannequin to human,
28:07Paul is in the middle?
28:09Yeah.
28:11I reckon I could handle one more of these, Paul.
28:14Sure thing, Jeremy.
28:15Abbey Howell?
28:16More like Abbey Wow.
28:18She also scored a goal.
28:20It's Abbey Howells.
28:22Oh, my village has been attacked.
28:26Oh, Mon Pierre, you have been hit.
28:30Bonjour.
28:31Bonjour.
28:32Score a goal for me.
28:34Score a goal for you, Pasha.
28:37No.
28:39Score a goal.
28:41It is the least that I can do.
28:48I've got to score a goal.
28:50Score a goal for Pasha.
28:56Victory for France!
29:00They may take our lives, but through football,
29:04we will never die!
29:25What a journey.
29:26Powerful stuff.
29:28My gosh.
29:29Magnifique.
29:30It'd be good if you'd have got up and gone,
29:32master of the house, keep your eye on the end.
29:36Oh, he's glorious.
29:38Oh, is that not who that is?
29:40No, that's the master of the goddamn house.
29:42Oh, you know everything about crickets.
29:47The quote from you was beautiful.
29:50Go on.
29:51They may take our lives, but through football,
29:55we will never die.
29:58Yeah, it's beautiful and glorious.
30:01I'd also maybe like to draw attention to Paul's character,
30:04Jean-Pierre.
30:05Jean-Pierre was good.
30:06Yes.
30:07I've got to say.
30:08So, if you like Jean-Pierre, strap in,
30:10because he appears in...
30:11Quite a few times.
30:12Oh, does he?
30:13Yeah.
30:14I will point out that most of Abbey's did happen
30:17before she scored the goal.
30:19Paul!
30:23The word, Jeremy, we were used was glorious, OK?
30:26We were given the word glorious.
30:28Yep, and I thought yours was glorious.
30:30Indeed.
30:31I thought...
30:33And I think that you deserve four points.
30:36Thank you, Jeremy.
30:37Appreciate.
30:38I mean, I showed myself in all my glory.
30:41No, and I think you deserve five points.
30:43Yes!
30:44Now, I loved both yours, Tom, and I also loved yours, Ben,
30:47but there was so much tragedy involved in that.
30:50So, I'm going to give you guys two points each.
30:53And the barbecue was genius, so I'll give that three.
30:56So, two points each for Ben and Tom,
30:58three points for Tofinga,
31:00four points for Abbey,
31:01and five points for Hayley Sproul.
31:03That's it.
31:09OK, Paul.
31:10I believe it's time for another task.
31:12Yes, but not just any task.
31:14This task is one of our biggest tasks ever.
31:24Ta-da!
31:29Ooh!
31:30Lovely.
31:31Hello, Tofinga.
31:32Thank you, sir.
31:33Wow.
31:34A cornucopia of tasks.
31:36Is this my queue?
31:37What do you mean?
31:38Oh.
31:42Little pool queues.
31:44Mind if I sit down, Paul?
31:45Go for it.
31:46OK, what have we got?
31:47Complete all the tasks on the roof.
31:50You may only touch a task using these pool queues.
31:53Fastest wins.
31:55Oh, my God.
31:57Your time starts now.
32:02Who's going first?
32:04The big hand is striking task o'clock.
32:06It's time for Big Ben.
32:08Shall I pull them down, I guess?
32:10OK, and pull down.
32:12And...
32:13Come on, man.
32:15Come on, man.
32:17Cheer Paul up.
32:18What's going to cheer you up?
32:19Dance?
32:22Yeah, little smile there.
32:24Did that work?
32:26Yeah!
32:27Good.
32:30Help Paul make some lunch.
32:32Oh, what about a peanut butter sandwich?
32:34OK, only 400 more tasks to go.
32:38Here we go.
32:39Don't worry about this one.
32:41Yes, thank you.
32:50Hang on a minute.
32:55This isn't the roof.
32:57What do you mean?
32:59This is the ceiling.
33:01Is there actually a task, like, on the roof out there,
33:03and there's, like, one?
33:07I don't see any tasks.
33:09Oh!
33:10High five, Paul!
33:12I did it!
33:14I did it!
33:20I thought there was something strange about this particular task,
33:24and just watching everybody's reaction here was gold.
33:30I agree, Jeremy, I agree.
33:32Oh, my gosh!
33:34It was interesting to see how the wheels of your brain...
33:36I could see the moment where it turned over for you.
33:39Sherlock Holmes-like.
33:41Yeah, I genuinely thought I'd done too many even there,
33:45but looking now, I'm really pretty smug.
33:50How long did it take, Ben?
33:52Not long. 12 minutes and 41 seconds.
33:55Wow.
33:56And were you opening all of the tasks with the cues?
33:58I thought you were allowed to touch them.
34:00You couldn't touch the ones on the roof.
34:02Yeah.
34:05What?
34:07Well, I can't wait to see how long it takes for our other contestants
34:10to figure out Paul's little trick, but I'm going to have to,
34:13because it's time to cut to some ads.
34:15More Taskmaster after this.
34:17APPLAUSE
34:30PÅke mai anÅ.
34:31Welcome back to Taskmaster,
34:33where we're just discovering how few New Zealand comedians
34:36know what the word roof means.
34:39Take it away, Paul.
34:41Our contestants were tasked with completing all the tasks on the roof.
34:45Up next, their initials spell the word hat,
34:48which is fitting because a roof is like a hat for a house.
34:53It's Hayley, Abby and Tom.
34:57Chair, pull up.
34:59You are bringing so much to the world.
35:02Throw a grape into Paul's mouth and cross the road.
35:05Oh, good boy!
35:07Lead Paul in a one-minute exercise class.
35:10One, two...
35:12Don't worry about this one.
35:14Write a thrilling two-person play and perform it with Paul.
35:18I've put a swear word in here and I want you to really deliver it to me.
35:22Maybe if you touched me like you used to.
35:26Like this?
35:28I prefer the touch of your brother.
35:33Whore.
35:35That's the swear word.
35:37Yeah.
35:39Hold Paul's hand for five minutes.
35:41I feel like I could be doing other tasks while I'm doing this.
35:43Completely cover the desk.
35:46Make Paul drink a litre of liquid.
35:51Draw a portrait of a celebrity.
35:54Paul must be able to recognise who it is.
36:00Now that could be one of two people.
36:02Give yourself a big makeover.
36:06I went for big and bold.
36:09Play hacky sack with Paul until you complete six consecutive hackys.
36:13One, two, three, four, five, six!
36:17Six.
36:21Give me five, my friend.
36:24Give you what?
36:25Five.
36:27I've stopped the clock.
36:29You've stopped?
36:30Yeah.
36:31Is that the end?
36:32Yeah.
36:33Count how many fingers Paul is holding up.
36:36One, two, three, four, five.
36:37My man.
36:39Oh, Paul.
36:42Nah, how many am I holding up?
36:44Oh.
36:46Five?
36:47Yeah.
36:49It's just a silly trick.
36:51So many still.
36:53I'm losing it, Paul.
36:57Play paper, scissors, rock with Paul.
37:00Make Paul a drink.
37:02Name 18 countries that Paul knows the capital city of.
37:05Collect 10 vastly different green things.
37:0810!
37:09Gosh.
37:10He's got 11.
37:11And now we just have one more.
37:15Follow my dreams.
37:18I will.
37:20And that's the last one.
37:22You can stop the clock if you want.
37:24That's not how it works.
37:26I've done every single task.
37:28Well, all the information you need is in the task.
37:33Oh.
37:35No.
37:37This is not a good sign.
37:46I feel like I'm in a horror movie.
37:48Do all the tasks on the roof.
37:50Is there a task on the roof?
37:52Oh, there's a task on the roof.
37:55OK, I can't read it.
37:57I've got to go downstairs.
37:59No!
38:01High five, Paul.
38:05Stop the clock.
38:16I feel like Abby deserves some counselling after that,
38:19cos that was intense.
38:21Yeah, I think me sitting on the glass at the end.
38:23You know that portrait of a woman who's like this?
38:26Yes.
38:27Yeah, it was like that.
38:29True despair, sadness and...
38:31Well, you were there. I know.
38:33You were there. I know.
38:35I know, but I was trying to be sassy for the television.
38:39Be sassy, so?
38:41I was trying to be sassy for the television
38:43and provide entertainment for all of you.
38:45There's a little bit of karma there, Abby,
38:47cos you're not supposed to leave anyone hanging.
38:49Yeah, that's true.
38:51The interesting thing for you, Tom, and you as well, Hayley,
38:54is that you had no idea why on earth you'd finished.
38:56Oh, we did, we did.
38:59I don't know.
39:01So, what were the times?
39:02Tom high-fived me after 31 minutes and 26 seconds.
39:06Hayley, 43 minutes and 8 seconds.
39:09Abby, one hour, 10 minutes and 41 seconds.
39:13OK, so by my calculations, Paul, there's still one contestant left.
39:18Yes. Last but not least, but also not most,
39:21I like all the contestants equally.
39:24It's Taufinga.
39:25Do the tusks on the roof.
39:28And what's the tusk on the roof?
39:31Er, what do you mean?
39:33Oh, don't tell me it's outside.
39:36I'm trying to see if I can find it from here.
39:39Does that look like a tusk up there?
39:41I've got bad eyes, mate.
39:43Can you go up there and read it for me?
39:45It says, high-five, Paul.
39:47Yeah!
39:49I mean...
39:51Stop the clock.
39:54So, it turns out that it's one of the easiest tasks
39:59we've ever had on Taskmaster.
40:01He didn't even regard the ceiling.
40:04He must have been like, I guess that's for another task.
40:08I was changed.
40:11I am starting to detect there's a bit of a through-line
40:14going on here with Taufinga, though.
40:16He gets you to do absolutely everything.
40:18He's incredibly polite, so I'm happy to help.
40:21So, how long did he take in the end?
40:23Actually, it wasn't quite as quick as it looked,
40:26cos Taufinga, he definitely doesn't move with a lot of urgency.
40:30So, 10 minutes and 18 seconds.
40:33What were you doing for 10 minutes and 18 seconds?
40:36He sits there for a bit, and then we sort of just meandered out.
40:40Yeah.
40:42But still, even at that pace, he did beat Abbie by over an hour.
40:47You were saying, so he cooked the meat for less.
40:55With that time, that means one point for Abbie,
40:58two points for Hayley, three points for Tom,
41:01four points for Ben, and five points for Taufinga.
41:06OK.
41:08So, if that task has inspired you to go and check your roof
41:11for any secret messages, now is your chance.
41:14We'll be back with a live task
41:16and the winner of episode one after these ads.
41:32Tena tatou. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
41:35where we're about to find out which lucky comedian
41:38will be forced to take home five of the worst cups in existence.
41:43But before we get on to our live task,
41:45we'd better have a little squiz at the old scoreboard pool.
41:48So anyone can win it tonight, apart from Tom.
41:51Ahead by one point on 14 is Abbie Howells.
41:57OK, you lot, please head to the stage for the live task.
42:05All right, can someone talk me through what's happening here?
42:08Tom Sainsbury, could you please read this task?
42:11Oh.
42:13Simultaneously toss both your shoes off the stage.
42:17Furthest apart landed shoes.
42:20Each round will be eliminated.
42:22The first round, you must throw the shoes with one in each hand.
42:26You cannot attach your shoes together in any way.
42:29Last person standing wins.
42:31Abbie, please throw from your mat. You may not move your mat.
42:35Golly.
42:37Let me smell yours. Let me brand new. Good luck, Abbie.
42:39You smell like mustard.
42:43Now you're going to have mustard hands.
42:45Let her focus, let her focus.
42:47Excuse me, can you let me focus?
42:49Excuse me, I'm talking to mustard hands here.
42:53Oh, lovely.
42:55That was a good try.
42:57Ben. Here we go.
43:01Oh! That's close.
43:03Feeling good, feeling good.
43:05So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer with a buckle.
43:08Mustard hands, right?
43:12Oh, it fell favourably.
43:16Lovely. No, it's terrible.
43:18Yeah, it's too bouncy.
43:20Wait for it, wait for it.
43:24Eliminated in round one, Madeline Sami.
43:28Representing Tofini.
43:30It was thrilling.
43:32Paul, do you want a shoe boy? I could be a shoe boy.
43:34What is a shoe boy?
43:36I might take you up on that.
43:38You'll be throwing both shoes simultaneously in your weak hand.
43:46Lovely!
43:50Oh, for God's sake.
44:00Abbie, 84.5 centimetres.
44:06Dramatic.
44:08Tom's shoes, 91 centimetres apart.
44:14Oh my God, shoe boy, thank you so much.
44:16Thank you, thank you.
44:18For round three, you will be throwing the shoes simultaneously over your heads without looking.
44:28It couldn't get worse.
44:30They're actually in different postcodes.
44:36So, Hayley needs Ben to have a shocker here.
44:40You suck.
44:46Hayley, you are eliminated.
44:48Well done, Hayley. Sorry, I nicked you.
44:54For the final round, you will kick the shoes with your feet, one at a time.
44:58One at a time.
45:00Oh, that's good.
45:02Oh, that's good.
45:16Okay.
45:18This is not a bad place to be there, I reckon.
45:26The winner of the live task, Abbie Howell.
45:28Abbie Howell.
45:30Come on down, everyone, and we'll give out some points.
45:36How did that all go, Paul?
45:38So, in order of elimination, we have one point for Tofinga via Madeline,
45:42two points for Tom, three points for Hayley,
45:44four points for Ben, and five points for Abbie Howell,
45:48which means the winner of episode one of season five of Taskmaster is Abbie Howell.
45:54Here we go.
45:56Congratulations, Abbie.
45:58Congratulations, Abbie.
46:00You are now the proud owner of a collection of truly terrible cups.
46:04Go up and enjoy your bounty.
46:08Our first episode of the season in the can, but what did we learn?
46:12We learned that two out of five football celebrations end in marriage.
46:18We learned that the difference between a ceiling and a roof is your sanity.
46:22And most importantly, we learned that Abbie Howell is the winner of episode one.
46:28Congratulations, Abbie.
46:30Thanks so much for watching. We'll see you next time. Ka kite anÅ.
46:48Did someone say more lion?
46:52Yeah.
46:56Well done, old chap.
47:00Possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of New Zealand.