• 2 months ago
A deep, rousing speech from Wednesday Night Live, 4 September 2024... the best dating advice you will ever hear...

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Transcript
00:00All right, here we go. Here we go. I am gonna
00:04I'm gonna work here. I'm gonna work here
00:06I'm gonna change your life and blow your minds and if you don't agree with me
00:10You don't owe me a penny if you do agree, then you'll tip we've got that deal, right?
00:15I'm gonna I'm gonna stick to my end. I'm gonna ask you to stick to yours. So
00:21Here's the question. I'm 24 and there's this woman at my work who's 28 or 29 and she's beautiful
00:27I've spoken to her a few times and she's super smart, but also super into her work
00:31I'm interested in her but also unsure if she'd be willing to give up work if we got serious. All right
00:37All right
00:39so your
00:41question is
00:47If I date her
00:51And we start to get serious and I say I want to stay at home mother
00:57If that happens
01:00Well, what if she just won't do it what if she just won't be a stay-at-home mother what if any of this
01:05What if it doesn't happen? What if it doesn't work? What if what if no?
01:12No
01:15It's not the way to think of dating at all not even close not even close
01:27The way to think of dating
01:30Is to
01:32improve the quality and desirability of
01:36Your flesh and soul to the point where the woman will follow you to the end of the fucking earth
01:43You become as magnificent a human being as you possibly can become and that's a
01:49Virtual infinity above all of us as we are you become as magnificent a human being as you possibly can
01:57To the point where she will walk with you through hell itself just to be by your side
02:04Trust me. I know a little bit about this as I think y'all know
02:11My wife is so magnificent she could say I've decided to
02:16Move to the Antarctic and live in an igloo. I'd be like, all right. I
02:21Mean, I might try and say a few things about it
02:24But if that's what she wants to do, then that's what we're gonna do cuz she's so magnificent wherever she goes
02:28That's where I'll be and I think she feels the same way about me and we're kind of right if I do say so myself
02:35So you're like wow, but what if she doesn't want to get on my program?
02:39What if she doesn't want to follow my plan? What if she just doesn't want to be a stay-at-home mom? No
02:45That is a weak weak bargaining position you become so magnificent
02:50She cannot conceive of life with anyone else and then she'll get on your program
02:55She'll follow you wherever you go and you can follow her wherever she goes cuz you just want to be together
03:00So you'd be so magnificent that she can't stand leaving you to go to work and you say hey, you know what?
03:07we could make some mini-me's you could stay home with them and I could be home as much as possible and
03:12That would please me enormously
03:15And you're so magnificent that she wants to please you and you're so magnificent
03:19Sorry, and she's so magnificent that you want to please her and that's how you negotiate
03:23You don't negotiate from a position of crossing your fingers, but get the job. I hope I I hope I work out
03:29I hope this is gonna be okay. No
03:35You have to be so magnificent
03:41That
03:43People will pay any price or bear any burden just to be around you and it's mutual you understand
03:50So you don't see if a woman
03:54Wants to have babies you become so magnificent that she can't stand to not be full of your seed
04:05You be a hero so she will give birth to heroes
04:10You'll be beyond compare
04:14So that she's thrilled to be fertilized by your godlike gametes
04:20You
04:23You want
04:25supersonic intergalactic kryptonite
04:28Tadpole sperm that she wants a drink up
04:34She wants to be like a reverse pinata all your sperm ball candy coming up off the ground and into her belly
04:42But she cannot wait
04:44To bring forth your combined magnificent seed to the planet as a whole be so great
04:53That she could think of nothing else
04:56wants to be with no one else and
04:58Your word becomes gospel to her because you are a god to her as she is a goddess to you
05:06You inspire her
05:09Into
05:12Agreeing with you
05:14You don't just cross your fingers. Well, what if she prefers work that's passive and it's lazy
05:20And it is a denial of your absolute magnificent potential as a human being and I say
05:25This is someone who started off small myself and have really really really worked
05:31to increase and improve
05:33What I have to offer
05:36Be so great
05:39That she
05:41You
05:43Thirsts
05:45to give you babies
05:47That she thirsts
05:50To be your support system that she yearns and burns and lives and breathes
05:56for your mutual glory and gain
06:03She's hypnotized
06:06By your
06:08magnificence, I
06:10Know it's a tall order, but my god
06:16What better goal to aim at
06:21Than to be so great
06:25That people and
06:27Women and this woman in particular will be so taken by who you are and how you are
06:34That the idea of wrangling PowerPoints for the next 40 years under flickering fluorescent lights
06:41for a half-dead brain-dead boss
06:44Compared to bringing forth your combined progeny will be absolutely a ridiculous proposition
06:51Of course, she's gonna want to stay home and have it raise your babies
06:55Because that will be the greatest thing that she can do because you're the greatest guy she can be with
07:01Be charming be funny be out there be exaggerated if you have to
07:07Challenge her excite her confront her inspire her as she inspires you because she's already inspiring you be a leader
07:17Be a leader do you think that Napoleon was raging forward
07:22In Russia saying gee, well, maybe Russia is not the best example. Let's pick one where he won
07:27Do you think that Caesar was like, oh, but what if the people don't want to follow me and what if they'd not inspired by me
07:34It's like be so inspiring. They follow you
07:39Be so inspiring that she'll beg to quit to be your wife and raise your children
07:50Stop being passive my god stop being passive stop being passive
07:57crossing your fingers stride
08:00Be magnificent screw up magnificently if you have to and you will as Lord knows I have be
08:07huge
08:09magnificent
08:11Full of success and catastrophe to the point where she's like there's no better show on this
08:20Green earth than by your side striding through heaven and hell
08:25However that constitutes and manifests in your world
08:31Sweep her off her feet. That's what women want, please
08:36Sweep her off her feet
08:39Be the guy that every other guy looks like an NPC compared to and we all have that within us
08:46We all have that within us my friends
08:49Be that guy that she can't take her eyes off be that guy that no other guy can compare to you know
08:56Pairbonding is when there's no one else
08:58There's no one else you can't imagine or create or fashion or forge anyone better
09:07Be so thoroughly yourself and so thoroughly engaged with the world and biting deep on the bone marrow of the planet
09:14For
09:15Better for worse in sickness and in health, but the ups and the downs the riches and the poverty
09:20Just be fully manifested in your own being in your own capacities
09:25Be not afraid be not falling back be not veiled
09:32Be not cowering be not crossing your fingers like a mouse under a bush hoping the
09:38Dinosaurs don't tread on your squishy ass
09:41Be out there grab something by the balls yourself, hopefully and
09:47Be a little chaotic be magnificent in your successes and your failures
09:55drink deep
09:59Pilon shit wide and
10:02stride tall
10:05to the point where she looks at other men and
10:08Can't quite put them in the same category as you I
10:13Mean, I guess technically they're men, but they're not a man
10:20Take some risks expand your horizons be willing to fall and fail
10:27You can't create anything in this life worth taking seriously if you're terrified of being laughed at
10:33You
10:36Can't make anyone laugh deeply
10:39Unless you're willing to offend
10:42and you sure as hell can't change the world without pissing off a lot of people and
10:47You are not gonna get any points in the afterlife for hoarding and crushing who you are for the sake of
10:52Conformity and what if people don't approve and what if they don't like it and what if they make fun of me and what if?
10:56They mock me and what if they deplatform me and what if they take 85% of my income so what?
11:02Make more find another way trust yourself trust your energy trust the universe trust God trust
11:09Your instincts
11:14We as a species got down to 10,000 people alone 10,000 people around the last ice age we fought our way back to 8 billion
11:22You don't think you have that within you that can overcome almost any adversity
11:29Let everyone else be the cowards let everyone else cower
11:35Maybe you can be that example that has other people feel more courageous, but you can become irreplaceable
11:43To a woman
11:45By being so deeply who you are and unafraid of your own potential
11:51That she looks at other men as pale shadows left
11:55By your stiffed spined resolution
12:05Don't wait to see if she likes you
12:12Love the glory of yourself and see if she's wise enough to agree
12:19Love the glory of yourself and see if she is wise enough to agree or
12:24If she just wants to live a pretty little shapeless unformed cowering at the bottom of the bush life
12:32Be big be large make mistakes stand tall get knocked down get up again and laugh
12:41Death is coming either way
12:43Living small ain't gonna save you from death. It just makes every day a little bit more like dying
12:53Oh
12:56But what if what if she what if she chooses work over me
13:01What she will I would as opposed to I'm gonna be so great she won't even think twice about quitting
13:14My god, don't you want people to inspire you?
13:19Well, how about you get off your ass and go out there and inspire some people
13:25I'm gonna shake off the cobwebs of the everyday drip-drip of soul-decaying propaganda and you're worthless
13:34Privileged nothing bad guilty
13:40Incorrect inappropriate go be inappropriate go be inappropriate
13:44You
13:48To have your mighty soul your balls lashed
13:52By the little petty dental floss whips of the HR brigade
13:56I'm not saying go out and do anything wrong or mean or nasty or anything like that
14:02Not saying any of that
14:04I'm not saying go be rude or
14:07offensive for no purpose
14:08But just be honest and be yourself live large
14:12Even if the largest thing that you can summon in a claustrophobic workplace is
14:18Just a look of deep deep scorn
14:26You don't have to say a thing to be as powerful as the Sun
14:37But wouldn't you like to have one day
14:42Where you're not afraid
14:45One day where you're not nervous one day
14:48where you
14:50accept
14:53That the depth of life is
14:55Contained in our capacity to accept the rejection of the small-minded. Oh
15:00No, a petty person doesn't like me. Oh, no a
15:05Conformist finds me
15:07Uncomfortable. Oh, no a person with no soul doesn't like it when I blaze forth
15:14with any kind of instinctual
15:16Passion. Oh, no
15:20People with no mind
15:24Mind me
15:30That's mind over matter right if you have no mind it doesn't matter. Oh, no
15:34The zombies don't like the sounds of me thinking. Oh, no the self-silence to don't like the passion of my opera
15:46Oh, no
15:47The eternal crushers don't like that. I face I have escaped
15:52their slippery squid fingers
16:04What if she doesn't want to give up work if we got serious
16:11That is so far from leadership and so far from inspiring that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy
16:20Right
16:24Like gonna cross my fingers and hope that she wants to have my children but she might want to work more in
16:29Yeah, I can't really guarantee
16:34You be so fiery that her loins light up
16:44Be so feral in your consumption of life that she gets baby rabies from the spittle flying from your nipples
16:53My god be exciting be a little dangerous be a little incorrect
17:03Why would she choose you if you're copy pasting everyone else's cowardice
17:19What's that old meme
17:22It's really not hard to get a man to fall in love with you just put on a sundress and say you don't trust the
17:27government
17:30You
17:33Everything that you love to consume is heightened
17:38Song is heightened speech poetry is heightened language
17:46Marvel movies are heightened heroism
17:53Everything you love to consume is
17:55Heightened and all of the things that you love to consume that are heightened are there to inspire you not to make you feel small
18:01In comparison, although the Marvel movies do a great job of making you feel small in comparison
18:08All heroism that is not based on willpower strips you of your capacity for the heroic
18:16You
18:20Well, I wasn't born on Krypton I wasn't bitten by a radioactive spider, I'm not Batman
18:31I can't run really fast or burst into flame at least not more than once
18:37So the superhero movies are all there to strip you of your capacity for heroism by saying
18:43The only path to heroism is through magic which we which you won't ever possess the Marvel movies are superhero movies the DC Comics movies
18:50Are there to make you?
18:52Absolutely wallow in a bottomless pit of pure fucking slavery
19:06Those movies are to say that heroism is a form of magic that you will never possess
19:12you
19:14They're not there to inspire you they're there to enslave you by saying you'll never be magic and
19:23courage is magic
19:28Courage isn't for standing up for what you know to be true and pushing back against the relentless invasive insanity of
19:35this mad world
19:38You
19:40No, no, no, you see courage is for
19:46Throwing giant car robots
19:48Into massive buildings. Yeah, you'll be doing that. I'm sure at some point in your life. So this is here to help prepare you for that
19:58It is to get you to observe
20:01courage and heroism from the infinite distance of
20:06Of degradation
20:16To be a little inspiring you can start off small
20:19I'm not saying you go and tear your shirt off at the next corporate meeting, although I'm sure that would be memorable
20:24You can start off small
20:27but be
20:28Different from the average if you want to be chosen, you can't be like everyone else
20:34Everyone else who's oh, well, but what I'm I'm just gonna sit there and hope that she decides to to do things that I want
20:41And and and I'm gonna cross my fingers and it's her decision. It's like oh my god. Oh
20:47My god
20:50Do you think that's how we survived saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths for God's sake
21:00You want to be loved
21:04Then you have to be yourself you want to be loved you have to be different
21:13You want someone to choose you
21:15You can't be like every other fucking gumball in the machine
21:19Same color same shape same size. I
21:24Didn't want this yellow gumball I wanted that yellow gumball
21:33How the fuck is anyone supposed to choose you if you don't even choose yourself
21:38How the fuck is that if you anyone supposed to value you if you don't value yourself, how is anyone?
21:45Gonna love you if you don't love yourself and loving yourself is not an act of will
21:53Self-love
21:55Outside of
21:57baby oil and a fur glove
22:00self-love is
22:01our involuntary response to our personal virtues
22:06You want to love yourself? You want to respect yourself be fucking good?
22:13Or
22:14Prepare yourself to be somebody's bullshit consolation prize in the decaying orbit of infinite loneliness that strikes people
22:22post 40
22:24well
22:26There's just the two of us left
22:32I guess
22:34We'll make do with each other
22:37Okay, we'll be good friends. It'll be a situation ship that winds you down like inverted smoke
22:44from a volcano
22:45into the heart of nothing
22:48That is the end of life
22:51You
22:56Pick me pick me pick me pick me pick me. Why why should anyone pick you? Why should anyone pick me? I?
23:03Mean you're here tonight because you're hearing things here that aren't anywhere else
23:08I'm not just you know
23:11Tim Walz his family has churned on him and Trump said something silly and
23:15Biden went back on vacation as he done for 35% of his pregnancy and my gosh
23:21turns out that the commander-in-chief is
23:24Half retarded mentally and nothing seems to be changing. Oh, and didn't you know Kamala Harris was very unpopular?
23:30She was like the most unpopular politician a couple of weeks ago, and now she's the most popular politician
23:40The international order seems to be quite corrupt and based upon sexual blackmail
23:48The grinding sameness
23:51Of the NPCs of both the left and the right or a horde you must escape from
23:56through radical individualism and a commitment to universal values
24:01That is empirical not
24:04Imagined well, I've been listening to your podcast
24:07that means about as much to me as saying to a
24:12Nutrition author well, I've been reading your diet book. Well, that's nice changed your diet
24:21Well, no, but I've I've been reading your diet books for five years now any diet change
24:28Well, no
24:31Then stop reading my diet books because you're discrediting both of us
24:35If you're not doing philosophy, please please stop watching me
24:39Stop listening if you're not doing it in the world being honest taking a stand pushing back against craziness
24:46If you're not doing it stop watching it
24:50You know if some guy's got a great diet book and you keep telling everyone how you've been reading it for five years and your 400
24:57Pounds you're not doing that guy any favors
24:59You're actually an advertisement to the opposite if you're not doing philosophy
25:02Stop watching take a break from watching take a break from listening like I mean donate before you leave if you like
25:08But take a break from watching take a break from listening because you need to go out and do
25:12You need to go out and do you need to stop doing warm-ups and exercises and you need to actually start doing it
25:21Hmm
25:24And you're not doing it by crossing your fingers and hoping the hottie in the next cubicle
25:29Might just might choose you and kids over a career if you can't win against a fucking PowerPoint
25:36You shouldn't win at all
25:39If you can't lure her out of a cubicle
25:45Into your bedroom with a crib next door and a ring on her finger if you can't beat
25:51A
25:53Fluorescent office with your magnificence. I'll tell her to choose the office sure
26:03Jobs suck most people don't have jobs. They just the most people don't have careers. They just have jobs
26:09Just bullshit clock in clock out goes nowhere nothing burgers. You can't win against that
26:15How am I gonna possibly convince a woman to leave a boring job?
26:19Under fluorescent lights squinting at a cubicle for the next 14 years. I can't possibly compete with that
26:25How the fuck is she supposed to choose you if you don't feel you can compete against Microsoft office?
26:33I mean she could get a new keyboard and a more comfortable chair
26:38Be so good in bed
26:41She can't imagine going back to work
26:43Oh
26:51Excel in bed
26:53With romance with love with passion with desire
26:57Excel in love that beats Excel on the screen
27:05How can you be so passive oh
27:08Oh, oh god, it's killing me
27:13Oh
27:20Oh my gosh
27:23Go lift weights till your arms burn
27:27Go diet until your ass buckles and goes inward. I don't know whatever
27:37Women want to be
27:40Inspired loved
27:44Gift them orgasms so good that every one of their toes turns into a whole bag full of Oxford commas
27:51I don't know something
27:54Something
27:55Be so witty that they have trouble breathing from laughter be so wise and deep that they realize that their eyes
28:03Should be gazing upon the deep pools of your radiant wisdom from here until eternity closes their face off
28:13You
28:18Give her your power and a point to her life and you can't lose against PowerPoint
28:26So she dreams about you she daydreams about you
28:30She fantasizes about you she undresses you in her mind body soul thoughts everything be that
28:39Be that
28:43You
28:48And if that count when you the woman the woman is not worth winning
29:00And by thanks for being here