deaddogsmoking
  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 22nd June 1995.

Whilst Gary wallows in the self pity of being dumped by Dorothy Tony has three girls on the go and has to work out a system to stop them meeting.

Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Deborah Sheridan-Taylor ... Heather
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Dave Atkins ... Les
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Richard Pearson ... Gary's Father
Natalie Roles ... Imogen
Sophie Lawrence ... Sylvia

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00You
00:30So, what was she like?
00:50Fantastic!
00:53Did you, er...
00:56Oh, yeah.
00:58Hey!
01:00Hang on a minute, Dad. How's Mum?
01:04Aw.
01:06Well, give her a big sloppy kiss from me.
01:09Yeah, I'd better go now.
01:11I love you. Bye.
01:14Bye. Bye.
01:16I love you. Bye. Bye.
01:18If you got any girlier, you'd be a girl.
01:22Your parents won't be around forever, you know.
01:24Mine will. I'm gonna have them stuffed.
01:27I thought I'd leave my father's arm out like that
01:29and use him as a tie rack.
01:34That's not very nice, is it?
01:36I mean, it is Father's Day.
01:37Oh, God. Have you noticed?
01:38There's a Mother's Day, there's a Father's Day,
01:40but there's no day set aside for the poor, unfortunate outcome
01:42of their pathetic, uncontrollable lust.
01:58Oh, I see.
02:00You're in a bad mood.
02:02No, I'm not.
02:04How long are you gonna be mad at Dorothy for binning you?
02:06I'm not mad at her.
02:08I just hope she dies alone and unloved in a damp bedsit
02:11in Ipswich overrun with rats and large insects.
02:15Go on. Ring your old man. Cheer yourself up.
02:18Oh, I can't. He's so bloody annoying.
02:21All he ever says is,
02:22Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:24Dad, there's a meteorite heading for England
02:26resulting in certain death of the entire population.
02:29Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:31Dad, I'm about to stab me with this big sharp thing.
02:34Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:37Ooh, a telephone. Mmm, that'll be nice.
02:41Go on, ring him. He is your daddy.
02:43No, he's not. I was brought up by dolphins.
02:47Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
02:50Hello, Dad. It's Gary here.
02:52Oh, well, hello, son.
02:54Your mam's out in the kitchen rolling out some pastry.
02:57Dad, I'm a wee bit down in the dumps at the moment.
03:00Oh, son, you don't want to be a wee bit down in the...
03:06What is it with parents? They're always making tea.
03:10Anyone fancy a top-up? Anyone fancy a cuppa?
03:13Anyone fancy a top-up? Anyone fancy a cuppa?
03:16I'd just put the kettle on before me bladder drops below the three-gallon level.
03:20What do you think's going to happen?
03:22Somebody's going to break into their sheltered accommodation,
03:25hijack them into the middle of the desert
03:27where they're not going to get any liquid for three months.
03:30That's never happened before.
03:35Hello?
03:37Oh, hi, Mr Strang.
03:39Yeah, yeah, we're fine.
03:41I believe Gary's not here at the moment, just popped out.
03:45I'm sure he'd love you to come and stay with us.
03:48No, I...
03:50He has been a bit miserable lately.
03:52I know that'll cheer him up.
03:54Tomorrow evening?
03:56Yeah, I'll tell him.
03:58Bye.
04:00Oh, it's him, isn't it? Hide me.
04:02No.
04:04I'll be Heather.
04:07Tony, can I ask you a favour? Yeah, mate.
04:09Can I sleep with one of your girlfriends? No way!
04:12Go on, it'd really perk me up. No!
04:14What do you need three for anyway? No!
04:16You're just being greedy!
04:22Hello.
04:31What are you doing? Get off.
04:33What are you playing at? Get off!
04:35Get off me! Stop!
04:38I'll just go and get my jacket.
04:45Hi.
04:47Hello.
04:49You seem like fun.
04:52Thanks.
04:59Is there any chance on nights when you're not so busy with Tony
05:02that you might come out with me?
05:04I don't think so.
05:06I'll be very grateful.
05:08I thought you two were best mates.
05:10Well, don't mention it to Tony, don't worry about him.
05:13It can just be our delicious secret.
05:17What sort of a girl do you think I am?
05:19The kind who's looking for uncomplicated, straightforward sex,
05:22likes films and meals, non-smoker preferred,
05:24I'll go like a train if you stoke my boiler, that kind.
05:29Right. I was just chatting with Thingy about her hobbies.
05:35Windsurfing and reading. Very interesting.
05:39Oh, stop!
06:04Hello, Gary.
06:31Oh, it's you.
06:33I just wondered if we could have a little chat.
06:36Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment, actually.
06:38Right, I'll come back another time.
06:40No, it's all right, I can squeeze you in if I've got a slot.
06:43Can I fill your slot?
06:45OK.
06:48How's Jamie?
06:50Still shoving gerbils up his bottom, is he?
06:54This is about him, actually.
06:56Oh. Well, you'd better come in, then.
06:59I'd rather not.
07:01What a faint, musty smell, was it?
07:05I'd just rather go somewhere a bit more neutral.
07:08Switzerland?
07:13A crown?
07:15Oh, I'll get the coat.
07:21Cheers. You know what? You're a promiser, don't you?
07:26Deirdre! Dorothy.
07:28Dorothy! Hello, Les.
07:30Where have you been, darling?
07:32Oh, time-travelling through other galaxies, you know.
07:34Ah, you'll probably need a drink, then.
07:36Yeah, vodka and tonic, please.
07:40I thought she'd given you the old finger.
07:42Well, Les, I think she realised
07:44that once you've driven a Cadillac Eldorado,
07:46you can't just hop straight into a Lada.
07:49I'd drive a Lada.
07:51Did I say Lada? Sorry, I meant a Vauxhall Nova.
07:54I'd always hoped one day to upgrade to a Vauxhall Nova.
07:58It's important to have a dream, isn't it?
08:00Yeah.
08:03Put it this way, Les.
08:05You know the song Nobody Does It Better,
08:07where it was actually written about me?
08:09Was it?
08:10Well, no, not actually, but it could almost have been.
08:13I'll tell you a song that might have been written about me.
08:16Yeah? What's that, Dancing Queen?
08:20Something about a big, fat barman.
08:22No!
08:24Young, gifted and black.
08:28As long as you're not young, gifted or black.
08:30Well, it's not an exact match.
08:35So, you wanted to tell me something.
08:38It wouldn't be something in the
08:40what-have-I-done-I've-made-a-terrible-mistake area, would it?
08:45This is a bit awkward, actually.
08:49We want to get married.
08:51What?
08:53I'm getting engaged.
08:55Who to?
08:57The bloke I just met at the bus stop.
08:59Who do you think? Jamie.
09:01But you can't.
09:03We've only just split up.
09:05Your bits of toenail are still in the bathroom bin.
09:09He's not like you.
09:11We're in love.
09:13He's very romantic.
09:14I'm romantic.
09:16Only after nine pints of lager,
09:18when you've got some crutches knickers you want me to try on.
09:23Oh, I'm sorry. I knew you'd be upset.
09:26No, I'm not upset.
09:28I just...
09:30I really think that before you marry him,
09:32you should seriously consider cutting off his head and boiling it.
09:35That's all I'm saying.
09:37Gary, we've been out together for a long time.
09:40You mean a lot to me.
09:42I'd really like you to come to our engagement party.
09:45Oh, fine, great.
09:47Can I bring someone?
09:49You always pretend that you...
09:51Oh, well, if it's going to be too painful for you, I will.
09:54Oh, I'll send you an invitation.
09:56Bring who you like.
10:00Oh, Dorothy, can I say how glad I am
10:03that you've come crawling back to Gary?
10:05Yes, yes. Thanks, Les.
10:07He's been such an old misery since...
10:15That's surprisingly refreshing, actually.
10:20Les, what am I going to do?
10:22She says she's going to marry this Jamie bloke.
10:25Won't that be inconvenient, what with you two going out again?
10:30I suppose you could have her on bank holidays and weekends
10:34and her husband could have her on Mondays to Fridays.
10:38Hey, let me have a Christmas...
10:47Hi, dabs.
10:49Ah!
10:51What do you think? I'm branching out into street theatre.
10:54I get the audience to name an object and I have to act it out.
10:57Great. The other day I was asked to be a bosom.
11:00I'll show you what I came up with.
11:03That's just one. Of course, then there's the other ones.
11:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:08So, how's your bloke?
11:10We split up.
11:12Oh. Well, if you're looking for somebody new,
11:15Gary's dad's stopping for a couple of days.
11:17Thanks, but I'm looking for someone young enough to have full bladder control.
11:21Oh, that's great. Still got your pride.
11:26Not much.
11:28I'm even starting to miss all the silly attention you used to pay me.
11:31Well, I've got three chicks on the go at the moment.
11:33It's a bit time-consuming, you know.
11:36We never did really get us in timing.
11:40Are you sure you don't want me to do a mime for you? I can do anything.
11:43A herd of wildebeest running down Oxford Street
11:45followed by a cloud of poisonous gas.
11:48I can't do wildebeest because I've got a bit of a bad back.
11:59Oh, God!
12:03I say, all these people. Marvellous.
12:08Early evening sherry. Good idea.
12:11How was the train?
12:13The usual 40-minute queue to buy rancid coffee off some abrasive old tarp?
12:18Toilets crammed with students having it off.
12:20Every other carriage filled with mad old deers squawking and sucking treble sweets.
12:25Overall, though, a carnival atmosphere.
12:27I haven't sat down for quite a while.
12:29British rail. Bastard rail, I call it.
12:31No, no, you've given me an ideal opportunity to stretch my legs.
12:34I hope you don't mind me inviting myself down.
12:37Get to know each other better. I won't be around forever.
12:40Oh, no, it's a massive pleasure.
12:42I've only got larder and fish fingers in the fridge, though.
12:45Mmm, that'll be nice.
12:52So, how are you, son?
12:54Oh, well, I just heard that Dorothy's getting married.
12:58Oh, that'll be nice.
13:00I've got to find some gorgeous woman to take to her engagement party.
13:03Oh, goodness. Shall I phone up your mother?
13:06Oh, that's really going to make Dorothy jealous, isn't it?
13:08She'll see me dancing to Three Times A Lady
13:10with the rather deaf 67-year-old ex-amateur lawn bowls champion of Yeovil.
13:15Right, you are. Your decision.
13:17And, Dan, please don't show me up this week by telling those old stories.
13:22Of course not.
13:24I always remember the day you got through three pairs of trousers.
13:28Oh, Dan, please!
13:34Isn't that your friend, Tenny?
13:36I can't encourage him, Dan.
13:41You just make yourself at home.
13:43I've got to make a quick phone call, OK?
13:46Tony!
13:49Have you got any other girlfriends you're not telling me about?
13:52Course not. Why?
13:54You called me Heather in the cinema and Sylvia in the taxi
13:57and you keep making 30 phone calls.
13:59Yeah, yeah, Heather and Sylvia are me mum's two dogs.
14:02We're all worried.
14:03They've been missing for a couple of days now, probably kidnapped.
14:06Why would anyone want to do that?
14:08Well, you know, they re-spray them, give them a new identity.
14:12Sell them abroad or something.
14:22Whose aftershave is this?
14:24If it's Brute, it's Gary's.
14:26If it's Old Spice, it's Gary's dad's.
14:28Or it could be my horn.
14:30Sweet. Like the three bears.
14:32Yeah, yeah.
14:33Except the baby bear keeps wanting to kick the daddy bear's head in.
14:36I tell you, Gary's being a bit of an arse at the moment.
14:39And when I say arse, I mean arse in a nice way.
14:43Oh, hi, mate. I...
14:51Hi, I'm Gary.
14:52Imogen.
14:54No, Gary.
14:56No, I'm Imogen.
14:58Of course you are.
15:00Hello. Hello.
15:02So, how do you find Tony?
15:04Fine. Yeah. Great guy.
15:06My best mate. We share everything.
15:08Mm-hm.
15:10You name it, we share it.
15:12Women, soap, women, everything.
15:16You're not showing me. Please yourself.
15:19Actually, we're throwing a surprise party for him on Saturday night.
15:22Do you want to come? Why?
15:24It's his birthday.
15:27He said it was in November.
15:29Yeah, he's got another one. A spare one.
15:31He won it in a Daily Mail competition.
15:34It's a good prize.
15:36Do you want to come? OK.
15:38Great. Well, I'll pick you up.
15:40You might want to dress in something sexy, you know.
15:43What's this? Going to a party?
15:45Tony's birthday party, Saturday.
15:47Yeah, anyway, enough said.
15:49Isn't that the night of Dorothy's engagement party?
15:51Gary's looking for someone to take so he can make her jealous.
15:55Anybody fancy a cuppa?
15:58The next note said,
16:00please tell Gary not to force his classmates to smell his plimsolls.
16:06This was the week after he'd had to write out a hundred times
16:09I must not shout out bum in school assembly.
16:12When he was nine, we had to see the school psychologist
16:15because he kept asking girls to do handstands for him.
16:19Dad, I'm sure Deborah's not interested.
16:22No, no, I am, I am.
16:24Gary, why don't you do that impression of Mrs Fenimore,
16:27our next-door neighbour?
16:29Oh, no. Go on.
16:31Very amusing. He used to make us laugh like drains at home.
16:34Go on, do Mrs Fenimore.
16:36No. Go on.
16:39Maybe if you ask him.
16:41Go on, Gary, do your Mrs Fenimore.
16:47No, I don't want to.
16:49Go on!
16:52Go on.
16:55Hi-dee-hi.
16:57Could you possibly spare any cake?
17:08Very good.
17:10Oh, that's it. You're going to the cinema.
17:12Oh, lovely. Is there something good on?
17:14Yeah, there's a new one just opened called
17:16Honey, I Gummed Down My Annoying Father.
17:19That'll be nice.
17:21Shall we all go?
17:23No, I've got to stay and pick Deborah's brains about euthanasia.
17:26Look, there's a tenner. Go on, Aliou, get yourself some popcorn.
17:29Go on, chop-chop.
17:33Why are you so mean to him?
17:35Oh, don't fall for this sweet old buffer routine.
17:38He knows exactly what he's doing.
17:40He's never liked me.
17:42I'm sure he has.
17:44Yeah, then why'd he pack me off to boarding school when I was six?
17:47Oh, he didn't, did he?
17:49No, you see, he couldn't even be bothered to send me to a good school.
17:52Oh, I know he's all right.
17:54He just has this knack of embarrassing me.
17:56I still have this dream that I'm at the palace collecting my MBE
17:59for being a smashing guy, and he taps the Queen on the shoulder and says,
18:02''Do you know he didn't have a proper girlfriend until he was 19?''
18:06We're all parents the same.
18:08My mother used to call me Ploppy in front of all my friends.
18:12So, Ploppy.
18:15Not going to ask me to do a handstand for you, are you?
18:18No, I'm over that. Unless you want to.
18:20No.
18:22Has anybody seen my horn?
18:24Yeah, it's behind the sink, mate. You got a problem?
18:26Yeah, I can't remember if I'm taking Heather go-karting,
18:29going for a fondue with Imogen or picketing a chicken farm with Sylvia.
18:33Do you think it's very fair cheating on three girls?
18:36I'm not cheating on them. It's like Timeshare.
18:38They all get the benefits of ownership without the headache of constant maintenance.
18:42Men.
18:44Men.
18:46Sometimes I think I'd be better off having an affair with a woman.
18:53Well, don't hesitate if you want to invite me in an observing capacity.
19:01I know I'll never get over Dorothy.
19:04I'm sorry.
19:06You've really gone through it, haven't you, Gary?
19:09I don't suppose I could ask you...
19:11What?
19:13No, I couldn't.
19:15Go on.
19:17No, I couldn't.
19:19Go on.
19:21No, I couldn't.
19:23Oh, forget it, then.
19:25All right.
19:27Would you come to Dorothy's engagement do with me?
19:29I sort of talk to me all night.
19:31You're the only person I can ask in case I break down.
19:34And I suppose I've always admired you from afar.
19:37I find you a little intimidating.
19:39All right.
19:41Great.
19:43Would you believe it?
19:45I put on your jacket by mistake.
19:47I found this in the pocket. I thought you might need it.
19:50It's a list of people you've invited to Dorothy's party.
19:53I was thinking maybe you'd like to invite me.
19:56Let me see the list, Gary.
19:58It's not a list, just a piece of paper with silly writing on it, that's all.
20:04Girls to invite to Dorothy's do.
20:06One, woman in video shop.
20:09Two, three and four, Tony's chicks.
20:13I'm not even number five, I'm number eight.
20:16You're ahead of me mother.
20:19Try telling her that you have always admired her from afar.
20:25Shall I make us all a cuppa?
20:31Hello, lads.
20:33A pint, please, lads.
20:34Any crisps, will you? No time, mate.
20:36You sure? I'm running a special promotion.
20:39Lager miles. It's similar to air miles.
20:42If you buy a packet of crisps, you get a quarter of an inch of lager.
20:48That's a very good scheme. I think I'll have that, yeah.
20:53I've decided to whittle me girlfriends down.
20:55Debs is right.
20:56You'd think having three girls was three times as good as having one.
20:59At least.
21:00Yeah, but you end up lying all the time, trying to cover up.
21:03Having to have sex when all he wants is a warm, milky drink and a bit of a lie-down.
21:07There you begin to lose my sympathy.
21:10I just can't decide which one I like best.
21:13Well, have a race.
21:15What do you mean?
21:16Put all three girlfriends in a taxi
21:18and get it to drive off into the middle of nowhere and release them
21:21and the first one who comes back to the flat, you go out with.
21:25You can't treat them like pigeons.
21:28They get a ride in a taxi.
21:31No, they're good girls. They've got their dignity.
21:33So I've come up with this points system, you see.
21:36The one with the most points gets to go out with me.
21:38Yeah, these are the categories I've come up with.
21:40Appearance.
21:41Appearance.
21:42Appearance naked.
21:44Joke-telling skills.
21:45Ability to be humorous, yes.
21:46A commander of certain basic household tasks.
21:48Ten points for each category.
21:50So who's winning?
21:51Well, Heather played a blinder in the appearance naked, so...
21:54She's just edged ahead there.
21:56But there's everything to play for as we go into the next round.
22:00Hey, I tell you what, being as you're my best mate,
22:02you can go out with either of the unlucky losers.
22:05No, I couldn't.
22:06Come on!
22:07No, I couldn't.
22:08Go on!
22:11Hi, Tony.
22:13Sylvia, hi.
22:15Here, have a seat.
22:16Thanks.
22:17Hello, Sylvia. I'm Gary.
22:18Can I get you a drink?
22:19I'll have a pint of lager, please.
22:21A pint of lager?
22:23Yes, a pint.
22:24So that's two halves, the girl's weight, but in the same glass.
22:28Yes, if you like.
22:33So, how are you?
22:35Good.
22:37Do you know any jokes?
22:39Hang on a minute. What about a chat first?
22:41Yeah.
22:46How's your ironing?
22:49Tony, telephone call for you at the bar. It's a lady.
22:52Oh, excuse me.
22:55Here's your drink, Sylvia.
22:57Thanks.
22:58So what do you do?
22:59I work for an animal rights group.
23:01Me too.
23:02Really?
23:03Yeah, part-time. Just doing my bit, you know.
23:06I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.
23:10Vulcan? Don't you mean vegan?
23:12What, with these ears?
23:18No, of course I'm a vegan. Just my little joke.
23:21Now, what I'm going to do now may seem disloyal,
23:25but I really do think it's in everyone's best interests.
23:28Sounds a bit spooky.
23:30Well, you see, Tony is going out with two other girls at the moment
23:35and he's marking you all points out of 40
23:37to see which one he should go out with.
23:39There, I've said it.
23:43As you can see, you've rather let yourself down
23:45in the appearance naked category.
23:49Bastard!
23:51Now, I know you're probably not feeling at your most confident right now,
23:54so I was going to ask if you mind if I get your phone number from Tony
23:57and I can call you up and we can go on a march or something.
24:00I think I'd better go home.
24:01Great, I'll come with you.
24:03Actually, we're having a bit of a party on Saturday night.
24:06Oh, yeah, whatever, yeah.
24:08Great. Fantastic.
24:12Hello.
24:13This is my father.
24:14Hello.
24:15Gary, I just popped in to say I bought some veal for supper.
24:18I know you like a bit of veal.
24:20Great news. They've found me mum's dogs.
24:24See you around sometime then, eh?
24:27Oh!
24:30He seems to have missed me out.
24:48Um, Dad.
24:49Hello, son. I was just buffing up your silverware.
24:52Yeah, look, it's been tremendous having you to stay.
24:56Have you found a nice young lady to take to Dorothy's party tonight?
24:59I could just run you to the station now if you like.
25:01I mean, Deborah's a lovely lady. Why don't you ask her?
25:04Oh, for God's sake, go home, you old fool.
25:10Fine.
25:14I'll just get my things together.
25:23All right, mate? Yeah, fine.
25:27So, we all off to Dorothy's do, then see the old girl off?
25:30Oh, sorry, mate, I'm going with Deb's.
25:32Eh? Well, I can still tag along, can't I?
25:34No, mate, we're trying to make a sort of date of it, you know.
25:37Well, why? You've still got two girlfriends left.
25:39No, I whittled them down to Imogen, didn't I?
25:42And then she told me that after going out with me,
25:44she'd decided to give celibacy a try.
25:46So then I phoned Heather back and told her I'd reconsidered my Whitland
25:49and she just told me to bugger off.
25:51Well, who am I supposed to go with, then?
25:53Why don't you ask someone?
25:54Oh, silly me for forgetting.
25:56Well, go on your own.
25:58I can't. I look like some sad arse that goes to parties on his own
26:01and spends the whole night looking at the CDs on his own
26:03and then he leaves and no-one even bloody notices.
26:06You'll know people there.
26:08I won't. Dorothy never let me meet her friends.
26:11Not since the notorious trousers-on-head incident.
26:15Don't go, then.
26:20PHONE RINGS
26:23Oh, well...
26:26Dad, um...
26:28I'm really sorry.
26:30I've been a bit... You know.
26:33Listen, it would be a real honour for me
26:36if you'd come with me to Dorothy's engagement party.
26:40You must be joking, you arrogant sod.
26:46What am I...?
26:49Oh, God.
26:51Oh.
26:55Shouldn't you be blowing up balloons?
26:58I'm not having balloons.
27:00Checking your jellies, then?
27:02There aren't going to be any jellies.
27:05No jelly? Call that a party?
27:09Jamie's called it off.
27:12He doesn't want to get engaged.
27:14Or married.
27:16In fact, he doesn't even want to go out with me any more.
27:22Well, what am I going to do?
27:24I bought you both an expensive engagement present.
27:27No, you haven't.
27:29No, I haven't.
27:32I don't know whether to gloat or be sympathetic.
27:35Yes, you do.
27:37Yes, I do.
27:39It's all right. Oh, I'm sorry.
27:42Oh, I shouldn't have come here.
27:44I know, you needed a shoulder to cry on.
27:47No, I just needed someone I could feel superior to.
27:57Well, if you think you can just march back into my life
28:01and expect a shag, you've got it wrong.