First broadcast 27th November 1997.
Deborah, Dorothy and Gary are trying to watch 'Star Trek' but are irritated by Tony's silly comments so they contrive to get him out of the room.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Deborah, Dorothy and Gary are trying to watch 'Star Trek' but are irritated by Tony's silly comments so they contrive to get him out of the room.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30On the start of Enterprise, on the bridge, when no one's looking, do you reckon they
00:59all swivel round in their chairs really fast?
01:03Yeah.
01:09Maybe not Mr Sulu.
01:10I think he'd be the first to swivel, no, no, Mr Sulu.
01:16Or maybe there's times like late on a Friday when they all put the kettle on and do it
01:19together.
01:20You know, all swivelling.
01:22Yeah, or they have a special word that any of them can shout, probably, swivel.
01:28And that's like a signal for all of them to swivel for a few minutes.
01:32Yeah, yeah, like at our school when the teacher went out and I shouted, shoes!
01:35Everyone had to swap the shoes.
01:38We tried it with pants, but some of the girls objected.
01:48How do you think they clean their windscreen?
01:50They've got the big windscreen at the front.
01:54Probably got a device.
01:59It's not likely you go on a long space trip and you get back and there's loads of midges
02:02stuck to your windscreen.
02:07Although there is space debris, isn't there?
02:09Yeah, yeah.
02:10What is that?
02:12Bits of old helmet.
02:17Little run-over space creatures.
02:20When you get a dead space badger coming at your windscreen at Warp Factor 2, that's going
02:24to leave a nasty smear, isn't it?
02:27Space, the final frontier.
02:30Makes you think, eh?
02:33Wouldn't it be weird if it wasn't the final frontier?
02:37If there was space and space and space and space, space, space, space, space, space, space,
02:45and then suddenly, milk.
02:50Milk, going on forever and ever.
02:54Then it would be milk, the final frontier.
03:02Tony, you know you were depressed a lot before you somehow persuaded Debra to sleep with you.
03:06Yes.
03:08Could you be depressed again, please?
03:10No, I can't.
03:11I feel like a king.
03:18Do you reckon they've got a glove compartment?
03:19What?
03:22Do you reckon Kirk's got a glove compartment just in front of him there, like in a car?
03:25Look, don't answer him, Gary.
03:29A glove compartment would be really handy on a long journey, wouldn't it?
03:33Five-year mission for a really big tin of travel sweets.
03:43Or a map.
03:47Or a manual.
03:50Or sunglasses.
03:54Or, as it's a glove compartment, a glove.
03:59Oh, please come in, please!
04:05Hiya.
04:07What's happening?
04:08Well, Doc McCoy's gone mad from injecting himself with cotrazine by mistake,
04:12and he's running wild on the ship with his eyes all starry.
04:15Jim, Jim.
04:21I was just saying to the others that a glove compartment would be really handy on a long journey, wouldn't it?
04:27Five-year mission.
04:29Why do we have to watch this?
04:32Because it's a classic.
04:34It's as fresh now as when it was made 30 years ago.
04:42Anticipating many technological advances.
04:47Let's go out.
04:48It's too late. We've already phoned for pizzas.
04:50How do you know what I want?
04:51Um, thin crust peking duck with extra raisins.
04:54If it takes more than 45 minutes to deliver, we get it free.
04:56We'd forget it would take them valuable seconds to find the raisins.
05:00I'm not eating that.
05:01That's OK, love. You can have my Four Seasons.
05:04Thanks.
05:05With peach.
05:09Who's he? He's quite sexy.
05:12Shall we switch this off, then, and play a game?
05:15It'll be really great. We can play Postman's Walk, the snogging and cooking game.
05:18How about Dead Tony, the three people sitting on Tony's head until he passes out game?
05:23Look, don't say anything interesting until I come back from the toilet, all right?
05:30Said anything interesting?
05:31No.
05:35Tony's quite chirpy.
05:40Nice, isn't it?
05:42It's horrible.
05:46We could play that game that Clive told us about.
05:50Yeah, all right.
05:53Yeah, 17 seconds.
05:56Do you know how I do it so quick?
06:00While I'm, you know...
06:02I'm washing my hands at the same time.
06:06Then, just a little bit before I've finished, I flush.
06:09And then, see?
06:11I'm really ready to zip up and go.
06:14That's how I do it so quick.
06:17Tony, we have decided to play a game.
06:19Oh, OK.
06:21There's one where we all go into our bedrooms and we dress up as historical characters
06:25with whatever we can find in our rooms.
06:27And then we meet back here and judge who's best.
06:30That's a bit girly, isn't it?
06:31No, it's a great game.
06:32OK, I'm up for it, yeah.
06:36Right, yeah. Hang on.
06:38Right.
06:39Yeah.
06:44But, sir, that is not the command frequency to our system.
06:59What's happening now?
07:00They're teleporting down the planet to find bones.
07:04What do they want bones for?
07:10What do they want bones for?
07:13Bones is the name of the doctor.
07:16Why's he called Bones?
07:18Because he's a doctor.
07:20Oh, is it Bone Doctor?
07:22No.
07:24So why's he called Bones?
07:26I don't know.
07:27Where have you been for the last 30 years?
07:29Oh, out.
07:33It's part of our cultural heritage, this.
07:35It's taught a whole generation.
07:37What?
07:39Science.
07:41How to speak the Klingon language.
07:44How a crew made up of different nations can work together in peace and harmony,
07:48especially when there's no bloody Italians.
07:53What is Lieutenant Uhuru wearing?
07:55There's nothing wrong with looking a bit sexy.
07:58It's a bit of a worry, though, isn't it?
08:00Probably the most popular TV show ever,
08:02and they give the only woman a desk job and a skirt,
08:04then she just covers her knickers.
08:07What's that taught a whole generation?
08:09Oh, that thing in her ear, didn't she?
08:12She's probably just forgot to pack more than one skirt.
08:14I mean, you're going on a five-year space mission.
08:16You've got to cancel the papers and stuff.
08:18You'd better forget something.
08:21It must be a bit boring, though, mustn't it,
08:23wearing the same thing every day?
08:27Do you think they could add accessories?
08:29What?
08:32You know, a nice belt or a little waistcoat.
08:35Oh, well, you obviously missed that episode called
08:37Scotty Goes Shopping for a Nice Little Waistcoat.
08:45When you first see this show when you're young,
08:48it's like you think that the captain's log
08:50is a real wooden log which he keeps in his office.
08:59You thought that the captain's log
09:02was an actual wooden log?
09:07How would that have worked, then?
09:09Did you think he actually wrote on the log?
09:13I don't know.
09:15Or was it just one log or lots of logs piled up?
09:20Or did you think it was one long log?
09:24Gary?
09:26I can't remember.
09:28Did it still have the bark on it?
09:29Can we just drop it, please?
09:31OK, OK, OK.
09:34Captain's log.
09:37No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
09:39Sit down, stay, stay, stay, stay.
09:43At least I never thought that was a Mexican wave.
09:51That was a joke.
09:52I don't think it was.
09:53Well, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone.
09:55Oh, yes, so suddenly my captain's log doesn't look so stupid.
10:00Right.
10:06OK, yes, thank you, thank you.
10:10Who do you think Tony's going to come in as?
10:12Oh, I just hope it's not Flipper again.
10:15He's very fond of his bedside lamp.
10:16I wouldn't be surprised to see Florence Nightingale.
10:20We shouldn't make fun of him.
10:21He's just in a great mood because he's going out with you, Debs.
10:25What exactly is it that you like about him?
10:28Oh, I don't know.
10:37Tony's got a lovely smile.
10:40I chose it, you know.
10:43What?
10:44Well, he took ten Polaroids of himself smiling
10:47and I had to choose the best one.
10:52Give me some numbers between one and ten.
10:55Eight.
10:56Eight.
10:57All right, this was his number eight smile.
11:03Three.
11:04Three.
11:08Seven.
11:11That's his smile.
11:12Yes, you see, exactly.
11:14I chose it.
11:15I created Tony.
11:18He wanted to go with his number two smile.
11:20What was that?
11:25Ah!
11:30Freedom!
11:42Are you a Flintstone?
11:47Are you Martina Nebratilova?
11:51What are your costumes?
11:54We were playing a trick on you, Tony.
11:57I'm sorry.
11:59Oh.
12:01And you think that's funny, do you?
12:03It's a really great costume.
12:06Thanks.
12:08Are you Julius McCaesar?
12:13No, I'm Braveheart!
12:17Mel Gibson in Braveheart, the Scottish film with the sheep!
12:25I look foolish now.
12:27No, you don't.
12:28No, you don't.
12:30I made old-fashioned Scottish boots out of old jumpers.
12:36Wrapped up with flecks.
12:38They're very nice boots, Tony.
12:41They're very authentic.
12:43Have you ever been worn under the kilt?
12:46No, it's all in perfect working order.
12:49Sorry, mate.
12:50It's OK.
12:52I nearly came as Florence Nightingale.
12:55I've got the lamp, you see?
12:57Yes, yes, Gary says.
13:01Oh, Tom, eh?
13:06For God's sake, grow up!
13:09Sorry, sorry, sorry.
13:13So, shall I fetch you a wee clothing?
13:17Why are you all being so horrible?
13:19Because you're too happy.
13:21We feel uncomfortable with happy people.
13:23We've never known any before.
13:28How far have we got?
13:30Well, the one who overacts has jumped through this big doughnut thing
13:34and it's all gone dark.
13:36So, the chubby one and the one with a face like a sad donkey
13:40have jumped through the doughnut as well.
13:43Bones has crossed through the Guardian of Forever's time portal
13:46and interfered with the course of history, thereby eradicating the Enterprise,
13:49so Jim and Spock have gone back into history to unfreeze time.
13:53That's what I said.
13:59You know time?
14:05Yes.
14:07Wouldn't it be great if you could revisit moments from your past?
14:11Wouldn't it be great if you could revisit moments from your past?
14:14Yes.
14:16I'll go back to the day I learnt how to, you know...
14:21What?
14:23You know, satisfy myself on me own.
14:27That was quite a day, I can tell you.
14:31My mum and dad didn't see much of me that week.
14:37Yes, thank you, Tony.
14:39I'd go back to when I was 18.
14:42I could have been anything and gone anywhere.
14:46Well, you could go back a little bit further and tell us when you first learnt to satisfy yourself.
14:49No, no, no.
14:55Captain's log, stardate 2046.
15:01Strange temporal anomaly.
15:08Can I say something?
15:12Can I say something?
15:13Yes!
15:14If you were Jim Kirk and you were picking a crew for your own five year voyage on the Enterprise,
15:18what top TV personalities would you take?
15:20Oh, nice one, mate.
15:25Instead of Mr Chekhov, I'd have Bianca from EastEnders.
15:29Good choice.
15:31And I'd have Emma Forbes here, sitting in the Mr Sulu position.
15:35Ah, she'd be cheery on a long voyage.
15:38And I'd have Carol Smiley in the engine room.
15:41Oh, safe pair of hands.
15:45Ship's doctor.
15:46The Spice Girls.
15:47Excellent!
15:51I'm going to the loo.
15:56Hey, Tony, do you want to get your own back?
15:58While Dorothy's in her loo, why don't we all hide?
16:01Yeah, OK.
16:04Come on.
16:07Hide.
16:10Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick!
16:18Right then.
16:19Yep.
16:20Yep.
16:33What was that?
16:34Tony trying to hide in our broom cupboard.
16:40Tony falling out of our broom cupboard.
16:43Oh, I see.
16:44There are some interesting issues being addressed here.
16:46How would the course of history have been changed
16:48if one Lady Peace protester hadn't accidentally been run over
16:51crossing a street in America in 1930?
16:55You see, it's all, you know, it's all very...
16:58You know, it's...
17:00Crap?
17:03Funny how the actors never really worked again.
17:05Yeah, funny that.
17:07I've seen the actor playing Spong in something else.
17:11Spong?
17:13What?
17:14You called him Spong?
17:17No, I didn't.
17:19What's his name, then?
17:20What are we going to do with Spock?
17:22Spock.
17:25Of course, William Shatner played Maverick cop DJ Hooker,
17:27which ran for two series, between 1979 and 1981.
17:33Gary, do you sometimes think you watch too much TV?
17:37How do you mean?
17:39How does the theme tune go to Starsky and Hutch?
17:42Well...
17:44SHE SINGS TUNE
17:55Now, that's all around my hat by Steelye Span, isn't it?
17:58No, no, no. Starsky and Hutch is...
18:01SHE SINGS TUNE
18:04SHE SINGS TUNE
18:12I don't know what that is, that's still around my hat, but I still don't know what it is.
18:16That sounds like The Good Life.
18:18No, The Good Life was...
18:20Um...
18:34Oh, Tom!
18:37You know Felicity Kendall?
18:39Yes.
18:41She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?
18:43Yes.
18:45I've got one for you.
18:47Top three women's arses on British television in the last 25 years.
18:50What do we think?
18:52No, that's probably more one for me and Tony, isn't it?
18:58Nine minutes away from a free pizza.
19:00Oh, don't make Tony jump out in front of the pizza moped this time.
19:03He volunteered. Do you know what he's like when he smells a free pizza?
19:06Do you think he's all right, or do you think he's tried to hide somewhere small and got stuck?
19:11No, he's an experienced hider.
19:13That was on his last job application, actually.
19:16Where it said hobbies, he put hiding.
19:23Any problem with The Good Life, though? It wasn't very realistic, was it?
19:26Oh, I don't know. There were a lot of people in the audience.
19:29Any problem with The Good Life, though? It wasn't very realistic, was it?
19:32Oh, I don't know. There were a lot of people in the audience.
19:35No, I mean, if you stayed at home all day with Felicity Kendall,
19:38you wouldn't let her out of bed, would you?
19:41You'd say, bugger broccoli, I'm staying upstairs in bed and playing with these puppies.
19:49Wait a minute. Just let me, um, write that down on my captain's log.
20:00Oh, look, what's Mr Spong up to?
20:06I said, Spock.
20:08Spong.
20:09Spong.
20:10Spock.
20:11Spong.
20:14Spock.
20:15Spong.
20:16No, OK, stop it now. Stop.
20:20You know the Magic Roundabout?
20:22Mm.
20:23What the hell was that all about?
20:25No idea.
20:26No idea.
20:27No idea.
20:30What did you used to do when you watched television with your parents
20:33and someone took their clothes off?
20:35Well, if it was me dad, we'd...
20:39Someone on TV took their clothes off.
20:45My dad used to study the ads in the radio times very thoroughly,
20:49and at some point he usually said,
20:51mm, these sheds are very reasonable.
20:55My mum's knitting always got a bit manic.
20:57She knitted a whole bobble hat during the first episode of The Borgias.
21:01My dad was OK too. We were watching the cricket once,
21:04just before dinner, and this woman Streaky came on and my dad said,
21:07mm, I wonder what's for nipples?
21:14Oh.
21:15Oh.
21:16Captain Kirk's falling in love, that's going to end in tears.
21:20It must be difficult to form a relationship
21:22if the only new people you meet are from a different planet, mustn't it?
21:29Ah, relationships, what a surprise.
21:32Although, in the early stages, it gives you a lot to talk about.
21:36Mm.
21:37Instead of, um, so, how long have you been working for British Gas?
21:42It'd be things like, um, so,
21:45what does that green scaly flappy thing on your head do exactly?
21:49Mm.
21:51It'd be nice to be asked something new as well, wouldn't it?
21:54Instead of, can I kiss you, it'd be something like, um,
21:57can I squeal at you?
21:59And I bet they still go on about how they got hurt
22:02by their last girlfriend from the planet Dweeb
22:05and how they find it hard to make a commitment.
22:12Don't you hate it when you go on a date
22:15and the man asks your permission to kiss you?
22:18Either that, or they suddenly pounce on you
22:20and you're in the middle of saying something interesting and funny.
22:23Or you've got a mouth full of nuts.
22:26I'll tell you what's worse, though.
22:28When you've just had sex and they hand you a box of tissues.
22:35Or, or, or, they pay two quid for a bunch of crappy carnations
22:40so you have to spend an hour and a half looking for a vase
22:43to make them look a bit less crappy
22:45or they sit on the sofa, picking their nose, scratching their arse and farting.
22:49Excuse me! Excuse me!
22:51Man in the room! Man in the room!
22:56Ooh! Sorry.
22:59I seem to remember asking your permission to kiss you.
23:02I thought I was being sensitive.
23:04No, tongue. Yeah, tongue. Can I tongue you, Dorothy?
23:16Where were you hiding, Tony? We looked everywhere.
23:20You didn't hide, did you?
23:22Yes! Yes! Where?
23:24Oh, er...
23:26Gary was in the oven.
23:30And Deborah was on top of the cupboards.
23:35Um, where were you?
23:39In the attic in the water tank.
23:46Good place. Good, good hiding place. Very clever.
23:50So, um, what's been happening?
23:54Crouched in the shallow end, were you?
23:57No, there was a little ledge.
23:59Sorry, mate. I hate practical jokes.
24:03We just needed to get it out of our system.
24:09Well, I'm obviously a figure of fun now.
24:13Might as well make myself a little badge with F.O.F. on it
24:16for figure of fun and wear it.
24:24So...
24:26F.O.F. F.O.F. Yes, F.O.F.
24:29Exactly.
24:31Tony, how does a theme tune go to Starsky & Hutch?
24:36Not telling you.
24:43Cheers.
24:52Cheers, mate.
24:54Hey, free pizza in three minutes. I reckon we cracked it this time, eh?
24:58Don't care. I'm not interested.
25:00Spock's making a rudimentary computer out of coat hangers.
25:04Don't care.
25:06Come on, let's do the Star Trek doors.
25:09Don't want to do the doors.
25:11Come on, you know you like doing the doors.
25:13I'm not doing the doors.
25:16Shh!
25:21Go on, then. You girls have a go.
25:26Shh!
25:31Shh!
25:42Shh!
25:52Shh!
26:01What the fuck?
26:08Yeah.
26:11What the fuck?
26:18Can you hear it?
26:20The pizza moped, it's coming.
26:22What?
26:23Two minutes. I'm not going to let this happen.
26:27What are you doing?
26:29I'm switching off the lights. We're going to pretend he's got the wrong house.
26:32What's the point?
26:33Then he goes back and then the pizza bloke rings up and we say,
26:36where's our pizza? We've been waiting here all night, you see?
26:39Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
26:41I'm going to have to turn the television off.
26:43No, I want to see what happens.
26:45God, let this stop. History being in another world,
26:47all the restored blah, blah, complete nonsense.
26:49Shut up and be quiet.
26:52Gary, I'm not going out with you anymore, I mean it.
26:55Shh!
26:59Where's everybody gone?
27:04I'm lonely.
27:10Pizza!
27:15Bugger.
27:20I suppose I'll have to go and pay for them then.
27:31Oh, that was good.
27:33What's on next?
27:35Nope. We're going to talk for a change.
28:06Mmm.
28:15Oh, all right.
28:17Yeah, come on.
28:20And now the first in a new drama series
28:22set in the challenging world of the police vet squad.
28:29Beam us up, Scotty.
28:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:05XBOX SOUND