First broadcast 29th July 1994.
When Dorothy complains that the flat is a mess Gary hires attractive Portuguese Elena, who has a boyfriend back home but is still pursued by Gary.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes Martin Clunes ... Gary
Dave Atkins ... Les
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Sandy Hendrickse ... Elena (as Sandy Hendrikse)
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
When Dorothy complains that the flat is a mess Gary hires attractive Portuguese Elena, who has a boyfriend back home but is still pursued by Gary.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes Martin Clunes ... Gary
Dave Atkins ... Les
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Sandy Hendrickse ... Elena (as Sandy Hendrikse)
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30You
00:49You know I hate about this job
00:52I
00:55Mean a hop in the staff jacuzzi with legs before you come on shift
00:59No, all the hanging around at international airports
01:02No, the low status bar staff just aren't respected in society. Well, maybe that's because the job requires the intelligence of a biscuit
01:11No
01:12That's why Debra prefers rate immediately because you got a flashier job. See she loves me. So
01:17Subconsciously, she wants me to prove that I'm worthy by bettering myself
01:21That's shite, isn't it?
01:28Hey lads, did I tell you my brother Liz is coming back from Czechoslovakia tomorrow
01:34Liz your name's Liz
01:37Yeah. Oh, well, you know what? It's like when you're a kid. You always want everything your big brother's got. Well, I wanted his name
01:45So, what's your real name Liz
01:47Dez
01:49Dez
01:51Yeah, he went over in 1983 to watch Watford play Sparta Prague and he missed the coach back
01:59Yeah, well, it's a bit of a bugger get him back from there on your own. So he stayed in Czechoslovakia
02:04He married a Czech bird too, but she went off. What would the Czech bloke? No, no, she went off
02:11She sort of stopped looking after herself. Yeah
02:15Oh, it's sad when a woman lets herself
02:26I've got to get out of here. Yeah, you need a new career. Do you know I could be an escort a
02:32Car
02:34No one of those blokes that takes women out, you know and sleeps with them afterwards gets paid. Oh, yeah. Hello Deborah
02:39Will you go out with me now? By the way, I'm a prostitute
02:42Maybe not. Hey, what are you good at? I can make me tongue into a tube
02:50It's not really a career though, is it
02:59I could be an actor
03:01I've watched enough telly. It's bound to rub off in it. I could have a store on EastEnders
03:07All right, me old China want to buy something off my stall
03:12To see I don't know why I come here. It's like being dead and you have to watch football
03:19It's nice
03:21One of these days you look back on these lazy Sunday afternoon and top myself. Yeah, I
03:27Could be a bullfighter you get one of those nice costumes makes your shoulders look all wide. Don't you?
03:34Why do all Italian footballers look like models and all English footballers look as if they've just come out of prison
03:41I could be a model
03:43Shut up, Tony
03:45Pass the paper love
03:50Can't find it
03:58We didn't get that on our carpet
04:02I could be an expert on chickens
04:05Tony shut up
04:08Just Paul it's supposed to be cleaning the flat and Leo Wren
04:11I can't the Hoover exploded only because you made it suck up half a pint of lager. I
04:16Wanted to see if it would explode
04:20Look at this
04:24I'm sorry. What's your point? I
04:28Know you two have a reputation to maintain as the dirty men of Europe, but if you don't get a cleaner
04:32I'm not coming back here again. I'm not exploiting some dribbling bent-over cleaning woman just to satisfy your bourgeois standards
04:45You have to feed it tea and listen to it banging on about what disease it's suffering from
04:50Gary there's hidden nastiness everywhere. I just think what's under that sofa nothing right you up Dorothy
04:58I forbid you to touch this sofa Tony up now help Tony
05:01I'll be very very disappointed in you
05:13All right, I'll get a cleaning lady
05:19Hello, I'm your cleaning woman
05:25Separating legs, so I can't clean anything below waist high
05:32I don't think much of these biscuits. Have you got anything handbag by the room?
05:44And all the insides taken out so completely hollow
05:49Hello cleaner I
05:54Am from the agency I'm Gary come in
06:01I
06:08Am here for cleaning oh there's plenty of time for that
06:19Are you going to staring at me through all the day no no no
06:25You have a squeaky mop if cream jello duster
06:29I'm getting a little hint of an accent
06:35Portugal to study English Oh Portugal a marvelous country famous for its port and of course, it's you gal
06:44You are silly oh, what's your name? I landed a silver. I landed a silver
06:52I landed a clean as you are
06:55just being foolish and
06:57You are caddy Gary caddy Gary
07:05Daddy that's it exactly. I am working to pay my English lessons. I'll pay for them
07:14You are silly yes
07:28You
07:33Never guess what happened to me today
07:35You went bungee jumping with Douglas heard no
07:38You brought a pencil no
07:41I've got a job as a model
07:42I just walked into this model agency, and they said they like the way I looked and they could easily find work for me
07:47Tony none of this happened you're hysterical. I'll have to slap you
07:51Just jealous no, I'm not actually you said that in a jealous way Tony. This is a good job for you
07:57Don't throw it all away. You said it was a crappy job earning crappy wages serving crappy people in a crappy pub
08:03Yes, but it's regular I
08:05Can't wait to tell Deb. She'll be dead impressed mind you
08:08It's gonna break Les's heart me leaving treated me like the son. He never had he's got some
08:14Treats me like the son. He never had
08:17I
08:18Was the new cleaning lady oh
08:20Nothing special really I've asked her to come back tomorrow afternoon
08:23I've got to be and you probably won't want to be why is she coming two days running?
08:27She missed a bit
08:30There's loads
08:33I've better have a word with him. Yeah, let's this is my brother lace. Hi
08:39Let's yeah
08:42I've got some bad news
08:44So I am less has asked me for a job, so there's blood sphincter and water especially Alice
08:52I'm gonna have to let you go son. Oh
08:57What's your bad news Oh
09:00Gary
09:02Our young British tennis players still aren't breaking through an international level
09:09I've had a bit of a tidy up so you don't wear yourself out
09:15For sure, what do I do? Well, I thought maybe just a few seconds light dusting if that's acceptable. I was in no obligation
09:23And then maybe some light refreshments some hot coffee a Portuguese newspapers croissant some chocolate
09:38You don't have a job I'll go in when I like I'm the manager
09:45Company yes. Yes about 200 people working for me. They don't need you. No, I told them both. I'm at the dentist
09:55Both hundreds of people
10:01There is snow dust already so quick well done
10:05Oh
10:12So, have you got a boyfriend yes
10:16In Portugal good
10:20You live here alone, no, I live here with another man little chocky
10:26Many Englishmen are homosexuals, I think
10:32You're thinking of the French
10:35Oh
10:37You have a girlfriend. No, no, I'm looking
11:04I
11:09Death no, Tony. So this is the new restaurant
11:14Certainly is important to have a good job. Uh-huh. I think people in glamorous jobs really at the business, don't they?
11:22Told you I'm going out with Ray. There's no point in trying it on. No. No, I'm here for a reason
11:29What?
11:30well, I've
11:32Just got this new job modeling. I thought I might bring some of my new mates down here
11:36Do you do the kind of food that would appeal to sort of tall good-looking glamorous sophisticated people?
11:41No, we only cook for Dwarves and lorry drivers here
11:46Are you doing that that's what we do models sort of tosser air
11:52Look congratulations, Tony. I'm so pleased you're doing well for yourself
11:56It's weird, isn't it? Cuz I'm the other day
11:59I was just saying that you could be a model and I was just flattering you for the sake of it
12:02You know, I'm actually doing it
12:04Yes, but have you actually worked yet? Oh got a few jobs lined up
12:08Yeah, pretty soon you won't be out driving on the street without seeing my face on a billboard all big
12:13See that distance there be about four feet wide all that
12:17Yeah, I'll be up there as big as your living room and you'll say well look there's Tony advertising aftershave
12:23Well, no what he's doing now or oh look, there's Tony
12:27Do you know he could be my boyfriend now if I hadn't got a bit mental and chosen that son-of-a-bitch estate agent
12:33I'm going out with Ray. I'm very happy
12:36I bet his face has never been as big as your living room
12:38Tony go and get yourself a girlfriend of your own and stop bothering me. I've got one. Oh
12:43I
12:44Look forward to meeting her. Yeah, well, we'll probably drop in here sometime
12:48lovely
12:54To bring the blood to the surface slap the face
13:09And I've done that
13:12Right
13:13This lotion contains pulverized bark and extract of caribou's placenta. Mm-hmm
13:19hormonal balance of working face needs
13:22Apply the pre-cleansing emulsion with a bold sweeping action going along the grain of the face
13:30Bold sweeping action going along the grain face
13:40Little bit girly, isn't it?
13:43Gotta look after me skin now, you know that's got caribou's placenta in it. You want to send that back then?
13:49That's good that you see that cleanses the pores gently but firmly caressing and cajoling them
13:56Individually to a maximum performance. Mm-hmm
13:59Good for pulling birds. Then is it huh?
14:01Coffee 28 quid
14:03Apparently, it's especially good for sensitive skin. Ah
14:07I
14:11Your face is your friend it goes with you everywhere you take it with you on holiday and to the shop
14:20Get to know your face touch it now with your fingers and say I love you. I want to be your friend. I
14:29Love you, I want to be your friend
14:32I love you. I want to be your friend. I love you. I won't be your friend
14:45Grooming is essential make your motto. I am therefore I groom
14:51Okay, too bad. You've already got a motto. I drink beer. Therefore I talk bollocks
14:56I
15:00Saw that about that's Tony's book, you know me. I'm happy to have just a quick wash at Christmas if there's time
15:07I was having a lovely dream. I don't know
15:11You had this little button in your back and every time I pressed it you turned into Liam Neeson
15:18It's it's nice to get out of the house early Sunday, isn't it? Oh started to wear out though because I was pressing it too much
15:25So I shot you
15:30Well, it's a lovely day out there
15:33Didn't I hear they got an exhibition of old hats at the library? I go along there if I was you now
15:39You're being shifty, but I haven't got the energy to work out why?
15:45Right, well, I'll see you at the end of the week then
15:48No, you have to go now
15:51Not on duty till midday surely I can stay here till then
15:58Cleaners coming so we don't to be here when she gets here. She's horrible. She's drunk. She's got terrible hair big open sores all over
16:07Thing maybe I can take a look at him for it. Well, no, they're clearing up actually that's not the worst of it
16:11She jabbers the whole time. It's like gibberish. She can't be any worse than you. I'll stay in the bedroom
16:16No, she'll comes and she shouts through the door
16:19So I'm gonna have to sack her. There might be a scene. That's why I'm gonna have to stay
16:22I'll probably have to strap her down wait for the agency to come and get her
16:26She's pretty good at her job. No, no, she steals things
16:29I came home yesterday and caught her stuffing a handbag full of pillows and shoes and stuff like that. Oh Tony
16:35I was just saying to Dorothy. I really need to
16:46Let's try another one my boyfriend in Portugal is cheating on me
16:56Portugal is cheating on me my boyfriend in Portugal was cheating on me
17:03boyfriend in Portugal will be
17:08Excellent
17:10Just one more I must get a new boyfriend in England
17:16I'm tired. Oh
17:19Who is the woman that's my sister you are together in bed
17:28We grew up in a very small house
17:31You are both naked. It's a very small very hot house
17:36You are greasy and smelly I think hey
17:41I've been using my new lotions. I
17:44Think she is your girlfriend. Oh, yes. She is. Yes. She is. Well, she was she died very sad
17:53I've got to go to work. Is there any chance you come back tomorrow evening for some special cleaning?
17:59But it's clean. No the chairs need rinsing
18:04I'll be a double please. Please. I think you are lonely and
18:09What is the word?
18:11pathetic
18:13Pathetic, but I need money. So, okay. Thanks
18:23Who's that there's nobody here hello except for her
18:28Hello and you are I am Elena the clean girl
18:36Excuse us one moment
18:39You said she looked like a cross between Winston Churchill and a bag of potatoes
18:43She's smart herself up a bit. She's been hiding from me and you knew I needed cheering up
18:47Well, you're supposed to be a successful model. You must be hundreds of women. They're you successful model get-togethers. I'm gonna work
18:53Yeah, I could get turned down. Oh, sorry, mate
18:56well
18:58Look, I'm a little bit obsessed with this Elena the last couple of days. I've woken up sweating. That's just because you're sweaty
19:04Please Tony do me a favor just this once as a mate. Don't ask her out. I only want Deb, you know that
19:10Cheers me
19:13Because you know, you've got a bit of a reputation
19:16You're my best mate and best mates. Don't do that to best mates, right? All right, right
19:25Well, I'll be off then see you very soon bye-bye bye-bye
19:34Bye-bye
19:42So, what are you doing this afternoon
19:47Why do you want me here to teach you Portuguese, uh, I'll learn faster in restaurants I don't mind you pay the lessons I
19:56I
20:01Told you I have a boyfriend in Portugal. We have a big love
20:04Yeah, can you just not mention your big love for about the next three minutes or so?
20:11Hi Deb
20:13This is my special friend Elena. Hello. I'll get you a couple of menus. Oh, no coffee or do won't it darling?
20:21Darling, uh, you know, I still love it when you call me that
20:26So, where did you two meet modeling July no, it was the beginning of August
20:35You know, sometimes we laugh so much that we
20:39burst
20:41You managed to take time off from your busy modeling schedule then. Yeah, I've just found out
20:46I've got a couple assignments for tomorrow white pays the rent, you know
20:50And you're a model too
20:52Elena no in this country. I am cleaner
20:59That is so
21:03Portuguese
21:05Fantastically humorous
21:07Oh, well Deborah's boyfriend at the moment is an estate agent
21:12They wear too much aftershave sell their mother a holiday home in Chernobyl go around nicking your girlfriend
21:18I'll get the waiter to bring you your coffees
21:23Oh
21:27I've got a bloody spot
21:31Oh
21:32No
21:33We first day modern. Oh, I can't balance in a bloody strawberry on the enemy bloody nose
21:39It's tiny you'll be all right. Yeah. Yeah supermodels get the odd spot all the time. Don't know they just cover him up
21:45Apparently a bucket of do in your case
21:48Big sauce, but oh god
21:52Jerky Tony, I don't wanna be negative at this point, but you do seem to be wearing a little bit of a nylon safari suit
22:01It's for me work, ah, that'll be modeling the new action man off-duty range will
22:07Know it's for a mail-order catalog. Actually, I've got to start somewhere
22:10Look, I didn't start taking a piss out you and you went all sad ass over Elena
22:15Actually, we happen to have something deep and rather beautiful going
22:19That's not what she said to me when I took her out yesterday afternoon
22:23you bastard
22:26Bastard is it? Well, at least I'm not a dork and that's what she called you
22:30Yeah, she doesn't even know the word dork. Yeah
22:33Well, she looked it up in a dictionary and she couldn't decide between dork jerk and Burke
22:36You are smart. Thank you. Nice dress. Whatever
22:55Okay, no, let's have a little drink Tony's away on a night shoot and I'm here
23:07Tell you what off the top of my head feeling crazy
23:10Why don't we just drink this forget about the cleaning and go out for the evening?
23:14Gary you are silly. Oh, I don't know
23:19What it's Tony right hide behind the door until he comes in and then we'll creep out
23:33Excuse us one moment
23:37You can't take her I've already introduced a Deborah as my girlfriend so I claimed her first
23:42She's not a bloody moon. You can't just put a flag on her and claim her
23:47Anyway, she's mine already stuck me flagging her. Oh, that is
23:51You better use it to make another woman jealous I suppose I isn't she no that's traditional
23:57Yeah, yeah, you're not even supposed to be here. What's that on the end of your nose? Oh my spot got worse
24:03They sent me home. I'm giving up modeling. I can't take the humiliation
24:07Soz me cheers. I appreciate that
24:09Where were me? Oh
24:11Making Deborah jealous and traditional. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I'm taking it out. No way
24:17It's either that or you move out of this flat
24:21Okay, but don't come to me expecting to bottom a knobbly jumper ever again
24:25Oh
24:32Please don't leave me on my own with Tony and Gary sometimes it's like carry on vegetable in there
24:39Tony might be in there with his new
24:41Girlfriend, I thought that's what you wanted him to find someone else and leave you in peace
24:45It's like your virginity hate it when it's there miss it when it's gone
24:50So Dorothy's home and you're here with Elena
24:53Right, we'll have to pretend she's your girl. Oh
24:56That suits you fine. Now. Does it would you said she was your girlfriend?
25:00Anyway, look, you're a lovely couple
25:05What about me I am NOT a girlfriend of anybody here who thinks of who
25:12Excuse us, would you
25:14Why are you putting me in here
25:21Good evening, how pleasant I was in the bathroom. No, there's nothing going on in the bathroom
25:29Why don't you put your little feet up and I'll go and get you something to nibble
25:33Gary
25:34Why are you dressed like that? Why are you behaving? So oddly?
25:37What's the matter with your nose and what's that bottle of champagne doing there? Can I answer the nose question first?
25:43I ran up the stairs too fast. You haven't got any stairs
25:48Excuse me a moment, you see I find for that deep in
25:55Right so to sum up
25:57Dorothy thinks the cleaning lady's a grouchy old witch who I've sacked the clean lady thinks Dorothy's my ex dead girlfriend
26:03Deborah thinks the cleaning lady's your girlfriend. It's not true. I tell her but she won't go along with it
26:08I
26:10Put the three of us are trapped in the bathroom
26:14Hi
26:16Deb this is my girlfriend's twin sister. She's our cleaner
26:23No
26:29You see the thing about your Mediterranean bird is
26:33Her urges have been brought gently to the boil by the hot Sun and
26:38Basically left to simmer and bubble away over many years. Yeah, right
26:44Whereas your average British bird bless her
26:50Yeah, bless her
26:52She spent most of her lifetime in woolly tights two cardigans waiting at a chilly bus stop. She's in no fit state
26:58I've banned herself sexually
27:03You know, I prefer the flat on tidy it's more natural. Yeah
27:09There's a lot of nonsense talked about dirt. Yeah, what is dirt? Anyway, just loads of small bits of
27:16Brown stuff. Yeah
27:21What supermodel would you go out with if you had to
27:25Definitely Cindy Crawford Cindy. Yeah
27:28Why because when I was younger I went out with this girl called Barbie and I've always wanted a Cindy to make the set
27:36What job do you think you'll go for next I
27:40thought
27:41Dentist good choice. Yeah, because apparently you get loads of freebies. You never run out of toothpaste ever. Excellent. Yeah
27:53What's the biggest spot you've ever had
27:57My first date when I was 16 this huge sod came up right in the middle of my forehead there
28:03I tried combing my hair down at the front
28:06But it wasn't long enough. So I cut some off the back
28:12Bloody nearly worked as well
28:16Add one on each cheek once we're there for ages. Mom used to call them the two Ronnies
28:22Good night from me
28:27You know at the end of a difficult day there's nothing like a serious free-ranging conversation
28:51You