First broadcast 18th February 1992.
Deborah moves into the apartment above Gary and Dermot.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Deborah moves into the apartment above Gary and Dermot.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30I
01:00Oh
01:12Yeah, I left your teabag in I thought my tongue had fallen out for a minute
01:17Well, you won't be needing your tongue now Lisa's ditched you will you?
01:22We're supposed to be going on holiday together, I've already bought my flip-flops
01:26You can't afford a holiday. I can
01:30Tax rebate tax rebate. You've never stayed in a job long enough to pay tax
01:34Oh, maybe they give you money back if you collect enough p45
01:41I'll buy Lisa a fabulous present something with a lot of straps
01:46Aren't you forgetting something?
01:48Do I owe you some of this? No Dermot you owe me all of it
01:51If you buy so much as a newspaper with it, I'll nail your head to the fridge
01:55How am I supposed to keep this mortgage up if you don't pay the rent?
01:58You could always sell one of your kidneys
02:04You're really upset about that girl, aren't you?
02:08You you want to talk about it
02:12Yeah, I wouldn't mind yeah
02:15Well, it's always gonna be sad when you first split up with someone, you know, you remember all the little things you used to do together
02:24What was she like in bed was she a moaner
02:28All right
02:30I'm cooking tonight. What do you fancy anything that takes my mind off sex toad in the hole
02:40Something wobbly and an oyster sauce. Yes. Okay
02:43Snap out of it. You've got a new job to look forward to today. Great
02:47Selling is a very challenging occupation. I'm no good at it
02:50I'll tell you what if you drop into the office at lunchtime
02:53You can give me the money you owe me and I'll teach you how to deal with the public
02:56Well, I thought I'd just sort of let them mill about
03:00Mill about what's supposed to happen then?
03:03Well, I hope they you know, go home
03:07Then I can't work it out. You're either very stupid or you're very very stupid
03:13It's Dorothy coming over tonight. Yeah, I don't know just turns up these days
03:19I'm gonna dump her why
03:21We've been going out together for two years. She's worn out
03:26Oh
03:29She's be really enthusiastic in bed and then she met you
03:34No, I mean she knows what I like I know what she likes
03:39After a while you want it the way you like it. Oh with someone else. Yeah
03:44So, how are you gonna tell her?
03:47Well, I have to make it look like it's her decision
03:50Start with the moody silence. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll give her a couple of hours moody silence. Loll your head a bit. Yeah
03:57Lull my head
03:59Moody silence then I'll ask her for my keys back. So I need a bit of time to discover myself
04:05She'll say that's it. Our relationship is going backwards. Let's call it a day and I'll look shattered
04:11Call her a cab before she changes her mind. Yeah, good idea
04:14I'll stand in the window all sort of tearful waving the cab off a little eyes all wet lip all quivery
04:24Then you mean go and get a pizza
04:30That's the thing, isn't it I mean 20 years ago where men had no respect for women they just used to say you're chucked
04:37But now we do respect them. We have to lie to them sensitively
04:44I
04:50Can't
04:51The wheel clamp. Yes, you're already familiar with the door knob. Yes
04:57Look at that a
04:58knob wheel
05:01It's a door clamp George the crap idea
05:06I won't hurt you probably I
05:09I couldn't understand some of your last tape the letter to Burrage security products. So I've tentatively typed in
05:17disappointing standard of design
05:19I've warned you about this before haven't I auntie?
05:21I want you to go away and put back in what I actually said
05:24Conceived by a moron and engineered by a git is how I believe I phrase
05:29You don't think that's a bit
05:31Undiplomatic auntie. Yeah, we are trying to sell reliable security equipment here
05:34These people send me a safe that a small animal could open with a bag over its head
05:39Perhaps we could settle for adding the word utterly to my suggestion. I'm sorry auntie. My git is not negotiable. I
05:47Let you take my bollocks out last week. They left a nasty
05:54You really take security seriously, don't you? Well George
05:58I'm just trying to create a crime-free society where children can grow up free from corruption
06:02I don't know why I hate the little bastards, but they
06:05Well, perhaps you ought to move to the country like Marjorie and me don't get much crime there
06:11Bit of pilfering from bird tables, but otherwise
06:15Logan a flat upstairs for me moved out yesterday. I reckon we'll have squatters in before you can say government housing policy
06:21That's a biro. You're sharpening George. I
06:25Could never be a squatter, you know having to share the bathroom with people you haven't been properly introduced to
06:33I
06:35George
06:37How are you? Oh, I can't complain
06:39depressed poor totally shagged out
06:42How'd it go this morning? I was very busy. I'd spent half the morning hiding inside a kitchen cabinet until it calmed down
06:50Standard of workmanship in those cabinets is incredible, you know, I mean you expect the odd screw head to show
06:55Wouldn't you should be out there selling pushing yourself? Shouldn't he George? Yes got to be aggressive
07:03Salesman show me what you can do sell that to George
07:09Do you wanna buy this George not really
07:14All right, let's recreate market conditions you're trying to sell this security device to George who's a little old lady
07:22Could I be Welsh eh, I'd like to be a little old Welsh lady
07:27If it helps, yeah
07:29Am I gonna be Welsh too? It always comes out Pakistani
07:33Doesn't bloody matter just do it. Will you this is for your benefit
07:39Madam the impregnator on door clamp provides a second line of defense against unwelcome guests. Well, that's a mercy
07:50I'll just get my assistant to show you how it works
07:55This mobile marvel fits easily over handles rendering the door unopenable. Yes. Thank you. I'll have one of those
08:02great, so
08:03When do you leave Wales and come to London then? Oh, it's quite a funny story attached to that
08:09We were out gathering sleet and so
08:13Oh, I enjoyed that. Can I play it with a stutter next? No
08:18Dermot have you got me the money?
08:20Tonight. All right. Yeah
08:23That's not bad, is it?
08:25British ingenuity
08:26That would have taken 400 strong Japanese working around the clock to come up with an idea like that
08:32Even the most determined intruder will have trust
08:38You're like a bull in a Chinese shop, aren't you?
08:45Ask the butcher to cut the liver into the thinnest slices possible
08:50I
09:00Crushed the peppercorns in a pestle and mortar if you have one. Well, I haven't got one deal here
09:09If you haven't got one use the back of a spoon
09:19I
09:32Don't say that speck of dust got back into the house again
09:36How'd it go?
09:38knackered
09:39Fell asleep against this woman on the bus
09:43She was all right until we got to Oxford Circus and I started dribbling on her show
09:50I
09:51Tell me you're your new employers didn't offer you a cigar and a seat on the board
09:56Not for me any kind of seat. I was standing up all day fantasizing about sofas
10:01That makes a change from your usual fantasies about semi-naked women in bits of white underwear
10:06Not really these sofas already had semi-naked women in them
10:11Squeezed up to let me sit down
10:13That's your trouble. You're obsessed with sex. It's your fault. You keep on giving me suggestive food
10:20I
10:25What are you cooking anyway, well, it's basically an adaptation of a Persian dish in a rather subtle juniper sauce
10:31Followed by jelly and ice cream with hundreds and thousands. Yeah good
10:36Need something to take my mind off Lisa. Yeah, I thought all my best beer matrix
10:43Why did she leave me if she shouldn't have slept with her best friend
10:50Women don't like that much today her teeth went all kind of clenched like in Dallas
11:02Is this mine no good I'm gonna change I'll change it for something useful like a curry
11:08I
11:19Think a woman's gonna move in upstairs. I found a letter addressed to someone called Debra great. What's it say?
11:33Mother enjoyed a holiday in France, but the weather was a bit disappointing
11:37France I was your Deborah. You muppet there. No, I'm sensitive and artistic
11:48Yeah, it's on the side I'll bring it out in a minute
11:58German oh
12:00I
12:03See it's a duvet
12:05Well silly old me I thought for a minute there you'd spent all the money you owe me on a new suit you
12:09piece of scum
12:12I'm looking after it for a friend. No, you're not
12:15It's an investment. No, it isn't. It's a bloody new bloody suit you bastard
12:22It's not my fault whenever I see a check I go out of control. I'm the same with tight black skirts actually
12:30We are talking about here. What would you say if I emptied your wallet and went out on a spending spree?
12:34I'd say what can you buy these days for an old library ticket and a picture of Lisa bending down a beach? Shut up
12:41And what else have you bought for yourself? Nothing?
12:45Well, what's in that bag? Oh, it's a cookery book
12:49You expect me to believe that do you you're always saying you're tired of me cooking the same thing all the time
12:56Yeah, all right not there's anything wrong with fish fingers she'll clap toast
13:03Take those stupid sunglasses off
13:07That's something women find hard to believe isn't it two men can have a quiet evening in on their own enjoying a thoughtful and civilized
13:13conversation
13:15What were you talking about this morning?
13:18Patsy Kensett's bicycle
13:20No
13:24No, no about you chucking Dorothy
13:26You sure, you know what you're doing? Yeah
13:29She taught you everything, you know, like what Oh sex
13:34The way I'd heard it you've been pressing all the wrong buttons down there for years
13:39Well, she put me right in a few technical details. Yes. She said it was like sleeping with a badly informed Labrador
13:51Oh
13:51Honestly the potholes in your road
13:53Lily came off my bike twice 12-hour ship without so much as a Mars bar between bedpans
13:58Then the lifts go on the blinker. I've got a hysterectomy stuck between two floors
14:03Evening darling. Don't tell me you were cooking Gary
14:07Hello dermis. Hello Dorothy. You're looking well hear that Gary a
14:12Compliment remember compliments they embarrass me. Anyway, you know, you're looking well. You're a nurse
14:21I
14:21Thought I'd pay you a spontaneous visit. What have you two been up to?
14:25Yeah, you know discussing life women the meaning of it all
14:30That's what turns me on about you Gary
14:32You're not just a burglar alarm salesman. You're also fantastically shallow
14:38If you must know I was trying to comfort poor Dermot who's sitting there destroyed for the love of a woman
14:44So I'm beginning to pick up the pieces
14:47And I prefer it if you didn't arrive like this unannounced and interrupt your brain dead ideas about women
14:54Yeah, well, I'm gonna go run myself a bath
15:00See what I mean, she just barges in well you gave her the keys and he says she could let herself out I
15:09Don't see what the problem is. I wouldn't at least we'll get a clean bath at the end of it
15:15I'll tell you mate. It's over. I'm gonna start the moody silences
15:23You started yet, you're gonna wait for her to come back
15:41What's the matter with your neck
15:45The funniest thing happened to me at the hospital today this bloke came in with an aubergine
15:51Can you pay a bit of attention? I mean something's wrong here
15:55That what it is
15:57Look I'd like my keys back. You want to finish with me. Is that it go that inside?
16:07No, I
16:10Just think that we both need more time on my own
16:16To
16:17Discover myself to thank you to discover myself. I mean, it's nothing to do with you. It's all it's all me. I mean a
16:25Personal space thing and I need the personal space
16:30to discover
16:32The person within myself. It's a it's a it's a it's it's a voyage of discovery
16:39You see what I mean
16:49So
16:51You think we should split up then? I do if you're unhappy. Yes. Yeah
16:57And you can cope with the idea of being on your own. Well hasn't been much fun lately. Has it hasn't it?
17:04Something I think the only thing that's keeping us together is sex
17:06Yeah, even with a badly informed Labrador as Dermot informed me sorry Dorothy
17:15Well
17:18Here are your keys
17:23So this is it
17:25Seems to be and you're okay. Well
17:31Obviously you don't go out with the person for two years without I know I know I know I'm upset too
17:35I was gonna say without wanting to try out a few other people
17:39There's no need to be callous if you want to finish it fine
17:44I'll just have to go on with my life
17:47See how things work out with Graham
17:51Graham
17:57Friend what sort of friend?
18:00Friend
18:02You know
18:04friend
18:05What the talking to kind of friend or the taking each other's clothes off kind of friend?
18:11Isn't it well you're honest with someone you make a commitment to them and then you find out they got a bloody friend
18:20What's this friend got that I haven't well, he doesn't just sit there adjusting his underwear he talks to me I talk to you
18:27He's sensitive. I'm sensitive. He's a doctor
18:30I'm sensitive
18:34I
18:37Look perhaps I don't need quite so much time to myself. I
18:44Can't bear the thought of not sleeping with you again. I
18:49Know
18:53I'm a bit confused. I
18:56Know
18:58Do you love me noodle? I love you donkey
19:05I
19:10Didn't tell me I had a new friend Thomas. We haven't known each other long. Hi, I'm Deborah. I bought the flat upstairs
19:16Hello, Gary flat downstairs
19:19Yeah, oh, this is a Dorothy's my she's a nurse
19:24Does anyone know what this is yes, I took the precaution of
19:28Mobilizing your door total security see I just touched it and it fell off. Yeah. Yeah
19:33Well, they're the concept still need some fine-tuning. It fell onto the bridge of my foot
19:39Treatment I'll be giving it I'm fine. You put your foot in a sling or something
19:43No, thanks, but I have to go measure up. I'm moving in tomorrow
19:46Oh, you can't go measuring up after a serious foot injury. Yeah have some wine
19:50So
19:55Will you be living in a sharing situation? No. Oh, do you all live in this flat? No, no, no
20:02No, she lives with her mother miles away
20:07So, uh, it's just you then on your own yes at the moment
20:13Just the one person then. I know let's run through the numbers again. Shall we?
20:19So you bought the upstairs flat or the flat upstairs as we call it
20:29Have you got anyone helping you move in? Yeah, a friend of mine's got a van. He's gonna give me a hand
20:33I'm afraid there'll be a bit of humping upstairs
20:41Well, if you need me, I'm completely here
20:43But your bathroom is just above my bedroom so I can hear you taking a shower
20:53Anyway, tell me about yourselves. Well Gary and I have been going out together for a couple of years now
21:01But we were just off to bed weren't we donkey
21:06You
21:08Well, we can get to know each other properly later on yes, yes
21:14Yes, and you drop in any time at all night or day or dusk
21:19Actually, I wanted to ask you a favor
21:21I don't have a spare set of front door keys and I was hoping I could borrow some from you
21:27Uh-oh. Look here are some
21:32For our front door in case your facilities haven't been connected up yet. You need to borrow some electricity
21:39Thanks, that's kind. Oh wait, I've brought a little moving in present. Oh
21:46Thanks chocolates. They're Belgian. Never mind. That's love
21:53Really
21:55Absolutely. Brilliant. Wait a minute. I've got a present for you. I'll go and get it
21:59Unfortunately chocolate irritates Gary's bowels
22:01Oh
22:03Dear, well, it's so difficult to know what to buy especially for me. I find Gary responds well to anything from a toy shop
22:10I bought this to well to give to ever moved in upstairs
22:15You think it's appropriate. Absolutely. He can read that and then try out some of the ideas on us
22:23You really didn't have
22:25I
22:29Let's make love your guide to improbable sex
22:34You don't waste much time do you?
22:44It's meant to be a cookery book you are pathetic
22:48Pathetic
22:53Sorry about my flatmate embarrassing
22:57Let me take this off you and burn it. I ought to be going. What's so soon? Let's get together sometime for a meal
23:10She fancies me
23:18You
23:48You