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FunTranscript
00:00Whoa, folks, it's the hottest winter holiday on record since the chemical plant exploded
00:13back in 65.
00:14If you're headed on a weekend ski trip, you better coach yourself in sunblock.
00:21The bare essentials for a day of skiing perfectly balanced.
00:24Is there anything I've forgotten?
00:25Oh, the rest of the family.
00:26Okay, family, you know the drill, mittens on before we get in the car.
00:39But I'm already sweating and wool makes me chafe.
00:42But think of all the extra runs you'll get in by arriving at the mountain prepared.
00:46I'll leave the A.C. on for the whole trip so we won't all get heat rash like last year.
00:51Sorry, pal, you know you can't come skiing with us.
01:00Beck, it may be psychologically easier on Berkeley if you can make him feel that he
01:06is doing something helpful for us by staying behind.
01:10Hey, Penelope, I just thought of something.
01:13I suppose somebody tries to steal Grandpa while we're away.
01:16Or worse yet, what if they try to take something valuable?
01:19Oh, no, I'm sure the insurance would cover most of it.
01:23But Grandpa has so much sentimental value, it would be difficult to replace him.
01:29Calm down, honey, I have an idea.
01:30Hey there, boy, we need you to stay here and be a guard dog.
01:35Wouldn't it be fun to protect the house from scary burglars?
01:41Now go turn on the guard dog channel so you can bone up on your guard dog skills.
01:50Let's run down the checklist one more time.
01:52Frostbite kit.
01:53Check.
01:54Magnetic travel bingo.
01:55Check.
01:56Night vision ski goggles.
01:57Check.
01:58Skis.
01:59Whoops, there's a key omission.
02:00Good morning, and welcome to the guard dog channel.
02:01I'm Warden Jackie.
02:02And this 15 pounds of lean, mean home security machine is Ramon.
02:16We're here to show you how to take a perfectly normal house dog and turn him into a paranoid
02:25psychopath who guards your home from all burglars, both real and imagined.
02:35The first rule for your guard dog is to stay on your toes and look menacing.
02:43The second rule of guard dogging is assume everyone is a burglar.
02:49Trust no one, because many of your most devious burglars will try to gain your trust by posing
02:57as a friend or family member.
03:00Now let's practice.
03:01What's that sound?
03:02Is that a burglar at your door?
03:03Go ahead.
03:04Go psycho.
03:05Whoa!
03:06Huh?
03:07Oh, I get it, pal.
03:18You're being a guard dog.
03:20It's all right.
03:21You can stop now.
03:22It's me, Dad.
03:23And whatever you do, don't fall for his sweet talking.
03:29Just keep going, psycho, until the intruder is either repelled and or hospitalized.
03:36Whoa!
03:37Okay, pal.
03:38I give up.
03:39You win.
03:40Whoa!
03:41If the intruder does gain access to your home, then it is perfectly within your legal
03:52rights to terrorize him.
03:53For starters, I recommend jumping up and down on his spine and following up with a quick
03:59strip search.
04:00Whoa!
04:01Ow!
04:02Ow!
04:03Hey, Von!
04:04What are you doing back from your ski trip?
04:07Help me!
04:10Is that a Hawaiian you're speaking?
04:13Well, I gotta get my beauty sleep.
04:16So, aloha to you.
04:19Whoa!
04:20Whoa!
04:21Whoa!
04:22Let's lock the intruder away in a confined space.
04:26Any place will do.
04:27A basement, an attic.
04:28Whoa!
04:29Whoa!
04:30Really?
04:31Try it.
04:32Whoa!
04:33Whoa!
04:34Whoa!
04:35Whoa!
04:36Whoa!
04:37Whoa!
04:38Whoa!
04:39Whoa!
04:40Whoa!
04:41Whoa!
04:42Whoa!
04:43Whoa!
04:44Whoa!
04:45Whoa!
04:46Whoa!
04:47Yikes!
04:48Nice try, pal, but I've got the skis and I'm off to the slopes.
04:52Now, what did I do with those keys?
04:54Oh!
04:55Oh!
04:56Oh!
04:57What's he doing now?
04:58He seems to be barricading the house.
05:02Okay, we know how much Berkeley likes Christmas, right?
05:06And?
05:07It's obvious, gang.
05:08I'll disguise myself as Santa Claus, plumb it into the house through the fireplace and
05:12steal back the keys to the mansion.
05:14Oh!
05:15Oh!
05:16Vic, I think you're starting to scare the children.
05:20This is no time for us to start doubting one another.
05:23Now, start caroling to set the mood.
05:25Good King Wenceslas, look out.
05:29Come on, where's your darn Christmas spirit?
05:31That's it!
05:32Ho, ho, ho!
05:38The most malleable intruder will try to con his way into your house through the use of
05:45a disguise.
05:46We're utility workers and mailmen, but the most manipulative intruders often disguise
05:52themselves as holiday icons.
05:55Ramone here once repelled a burglar disguised as a Christmas tram.
06:01Ho, ho, ho!
06:03Santa Claus!
06:05Ho, ho, ho!
06:07Merry Christmas, Berkeley!
06:09Did you bring me that dashboard I asked for?
06:13Ho, ho, no.
06:15I never got your list.
06:17Berkeley, this man is an imposter!
06:21I've got the keys.
06:23Nothing can stop us now.
06:29But we'll still be at the mountain in time for the midnight to 3 a.m. ski session.
06:34Whoopee!
06:35Oh, boy.
06:37It's a great day for skiing.
06:39Most local resorts report three to four inches of new powder, so make sure you've got your
06:44snow chains on.
06:45Trev, where are those chains I gave you?
06:48They were all greasy and heavy, so naturally I left them in the basement with all your
06:52other heavy, greasy stuff.
06:55Lack like the night.
06:57If we're lucky, we can still get in a few solid hours of skiing before the kids have
07:01to go back to school.
07:02But first, I need you to put Berkeley to sleep with a soothing lullaby.
07:06More singing?
07:07Why do we always have to sing?
07:09My only song is a lullaby.
07:12More singing?
07:13Why do we always have to sing?
07:15My long johns are riding up.
07:17Okay, I'm going in.
07:21At night, you are at your most vulnerable.
07:24The intruder will use stealth and cunning.
07:27But so must you.
07:29Surprise the burglar.
07:31Yes, I said it, so what?
07:33Burglar!
07:34Burglar!
07:35Burglar!
07:37Dog!
07:40The guard dog channel is currently experiencing technical difficulties.
07:50Must have the stealth of a jungle cat.
07:53What?
08:07If the burglar, I mean intruder, attempts to leave with your property, then attack!
08:15Attack!
08:16Attack!
08:17Whoa!
08:18Whoa!
08:20Whoa!
08:21Ah!
08:23Just dial the number on the screen to reach your local SWAT team.
08:27This warden Jimmy guy is giving me nightmares.
08:31This sounds like a nice change of pace.
08:34A documentary on the history of underpants.
08:38Like the people who wear them, underpants come in all shapes, sizes, and fabrics.
08:43People don't come in fabrics, you moron!
08:48Whoa!
08:49Ah!
08:51Oh, it's daylight.
08:54Now we'll never get to Mount Pleasantville in time to ski.
08:58Bad dog!
09:01Hey, you guys.
09:03I was in the van trying to cut the starter wire so we wouldn't have to go skiing,
09:07and the news guy came on the radio to report a big avalanche at Mount Pleasantville.
09:12They've been digging people out all night.
09:14Yay!
09:15Bucky saved family from avalanche.
09:18You owe him an apology.
09:20I guess I do.
09:21Sorry, pal.
09:22You're a good dog.
09:29I'll play burglar to your guard dog any day.
09:38Hey, pal, come on.
09:39Open the door.
09:40It's me.
09:41Hey, open the door, please.
09:43Hey, catch me.
09:44Please open the door.
09:45Catch the dog.