First broadcast 6th July 1995.
Dorothy is having bed rest after having her appendix taken out but Gary's nursing skills leave much to be desired as he pretends the appendix is a moustache and races around the flat in her wheelchair.
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Sophie Uliano ... Optician (as Sophie Heyman)
Dorothy is having bed rest after having her appendix taken out but Gary's nursing skills leave much to be desired as he pretends the appendix is a moustache and races around the flat in her wheelchair.
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Sophie Uliano ... Optician (as Sophie Heyman)
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Thank you so much for joining us today.
00:30Oh
00:51He just broke my knee on the door
00:55Trying to be sick in your bag
01:00There's a thing oozing or leaking at all is it
01:04Hey, should we pop you under the duvet shall we pop you?
01:10We'll soon have you right as well shut your face
01:19Now then what I'm gonna do now is gently lift you onto the bed now you might experience a slight twinge
01:30I
02:01Now I'll just let you get some rest and then I'll come back and entertain you I
02:06Know that's when you laugh, so I'll be careful
02:09Now I don't work with the hospital and there's a bit of a treat. They've let us keep your appendix as a souvenir
02:19After anything else and they gave me this spare spleen
02:30I
03:00I
03:30I
04:00I
04:30Oh
04:49That'll be your operation
04:52They've separated you from your Siamese twin
04:55You were joined at the bottom to Kevin Keegan
05:00Only joking
05:04Would you like me to lie in a bit of newspapers I can really feel like a budgie
05:10This is your activity center
05:14You see at this stage in your recuperation, you're probably still feeling a little bit pathetic. So there's a bell for my attention
05:21Grapes for nutrition and a mirror to check you're not bleeding hideously
05:30Doing I've seen this on casualty
05:42Yes, can I help
05:44Can you not do that?
05:46Okay, you're the boss Gary. Hmm. I really appreciate you being so kind
05:52But I'm tired and in pain and I suppose what I'm really saying is I want you to bugger off
06:00Okay
06:06How's Dorothy fine, I'll pop back in off now check she hasn't gone purple
06:13You sitting close enough to that I'm just taking in the atmosphere in the Tomorrow's World studio
06:20Hey, do you reckon the presenters get off with each other after the show?
06:23Well, it was even a bit of a hurry to get off, don't they?
06:25A new CD today Kylie's latest. Oh, I see. She's a wearing glasses
06:37She looks really good in glasses, don't you?
06:41Well, let's face it Kylie look foxy in a welder's mask with a parsnip strap to it
06:47Hey, that's good, isn't it something to stop your tie flapping over your shoulder when you're running along excellent
06:53I bet that won't hit the shops till the year 2004. I'm still waiting to buy that rubber car that makes parking so easy. I
07:03Think glasses make you look really sexy though, don't they?
07:06Yeah, you think it looks sexy to have two bits of perspex and an ugly tangle of metal hanging off your face
07:13Well Warren Beatty wears is quite a lot nowadays to me
07:16Yeah, and you're not telling me they've done half as much knobbing if he'd had his bins on during his
07:23Hello, Julie Christie, excuse me while I pause to clean me bins on this little tiny yellow bit of cloth like a bloody librarian
07:31Get lost four eyes
07:35Be it speck oid
07:37Oh
07:44Little yellow flowers wrapped in paper. How nice
07:48Thanks, do you bring any fruit? No, no, that's your decision
07:53What's the news then? Well to be honest, I don't really think I've realized just how tired I am
07:57I suppose I'm just taking things one hour at a time
08:00Dorothy oh, she's a bit off-color. Mind you. She just has had a rather large organ taken out of her body
08:05Not for the first time either
08:12I'd rather not she's very frail
08:15You can come and sit with me and Tony. We've got a couple of lagers on the go the chats racy
08:18But never oversteps the mark
08:20Maybe another time. Hmm. So how did the operation go? Oh very very well
08:26The surgeons know Dorothy of all but I think they did a good job. Anyway, I
08:30Remember when I had my appendix out it hurts so much. I thought they'd left a little burrowing animal inside
08:37How'd they?
08:39Know how good good
08:42Nice neat scars. Yeah quite quite low down just above your B. Yes
08:49Can I see it no
08:52Okay
08:53So can I do anything to help could show me a scar?
08:56To
08:58Help Dorothy. Oh, no. Thanks. I'll shoulder the burden of caring for her
09:02Maybe later when compassion fatigue sets in well, you know me Debs when I set me mind or something
09:09You you've got any photos of your scar at all of you
09:11Oh
09:25This is Tony reading the news
09:34Hello fridge, my name is Michael Kane
09:42I
09:44Know
09:46Here we have a cold front
09:49Where these letters will be coming in from here and here making the word shmimley
09:58That'll be colliding with these fridge magnets here and here
10:02Oh
10:06Tony what?
10:08Were you wearing glasses? Oh
10:11Yes, you were what they are no, they're not mine no, I don't need glasses. Oh
10:17Look look at that pin over there
10:26Now that 2020 vision Tony come here here
10:32Oh
10:36There's nothing there
10:38How are you feeling do you want me to mix up a hot poultice or something? No, thanks, Tony
10:43I get the impression that you're slightly embarrassed about glasses. No, I think they're great
10:49You know for seeing well, they're into that. It's just that no one in my family wears glasses
10:53We just go straight from brilliant eyesight to dead
10:57You see the postcard on the mantelpiece read it for me
11:04Hi gang having a great time so you can all sod off Gary some Gary
11:10Tony there isn't a postcard on the mantelpiece. I threw it away
11:14You won't tell anybody that I wear glasses. Will you where are you planning to wear them in the toilet?
11:20Alone in darkened room. He's Dottie. Don't call me Dottie. Sorry
11:24Call me Dottie
11:27I'm the good-looking outdoor type is to call the people who wore glasses specky or furniture face or
11:34short sighted
11:36He's just a bubble gum on the lenses so they couldn't see properly and bumped into things
11:40Put them on Tony
11:43Tony
11:44Shane I'll tell Gary
11:46I
11:54Don't know what all the fuss is about they look very nice. I doubt anyone would even notice
12:03It's like people who spend their whole life thinking they've got a big nose, yeah, at least I'm gonna bloody great schnoz like that
12:11Look just wear the glasses and stop worrying
12:15Just a bit worried about the style though. You don't think they make me look a bit too too much like a git
12:40Oh
12:56Dorothy
13:01Dorothy
13:05Dorothy your beds on fire
13:10Oh
13:24It's been three days now, do you fancy a quickie?
13:28Nothing strenuous you could lie on your good side then I could just slip me old
13:33You so much as touch me below the neck I'll sue you for grievous bodily harm
13:41It's ironic isn't it the word patient it's a bit like calling a mass murder an old soppy
13:47Sorry, I'm just bored I was really looking forward to looking after you, but you just seem so ill
13:55Go and play with Tony I can't he's shut himself in his room I
13:59Caught him wearing glasses this morning. What sunglasses?
14:03No real glasses
14:07Real glasses
14:10He's a normal bloke, he's never read a book in his life
14:15Fun of him he's obviously got a complex about it. Don't make fun of him. Are you mad?
14:22Fun of him peeking out from behind his dinty little windows always getting out those nasty snappy cases
14:30I thought you two were best man. Yeah. Well, I might have to reconsider now. He's turned out to be a specky
14:40Hello, hello, I am came in last week to buy some glasses for a friend
14:51Prison I remember
14:53You realize the prescription is for your eyes not his
14:57No, he only wants a vague idea of what's going on
15:03Did he like your choice of frame? There is a problem. He thinks they make him look like a
15:10Skit
15:13You haven't actually got a friend in prison have you
15:20Good should we try on some other frames? It's alright see because I've cut out some glasses from a magazine
15:29Elton John, I think we're still in get territory
15:37Emperor Hirohito
15:41Those are reading glasses
15:55Hope you like these. Yeah Stevie Wonder
16:00For everyday use possibly better on a blind person
16:05What image are you looking for? Well
16:10I want to look fashionable and
16:13intelligent and
16:15humorous and
16:17sophisticated
16:20Sexy
16:23Have you thought of reincarnation
16:30What about contact lenses, oh no, no, I couldn't have something against my eye, you know, right there
16:37I
16:39Mean it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom say
16:44How do you wear a condom on your eye
16:47No on your penis
16:53You might want to try and soften the shape of your face soft soften by choosing round glasses
17:00Oh, right. Yeah, right because actually I've got some
17:04Got a John Lennon here
17:06That one
17:09Has he come in yet? No
17:16Just a bit of fun Oh Gary don't draw attention to him relax
17:25Yes, please make lager I'll have it in one of those silly glasses
17:29Tony how are you? I'm great. Thanks
17:59I
18:30So
18:38How you feeling Dorothy
18:43Better thank you. I'm all right as long as I don't
18:52Well, that's been a bit chilly
18:59I
19:13Sorry about that just say it's all right. No, it was unfair making a spectacle of you
19:21Yeah
19:23Just joking
19:25But put it on they look they look quite good. No way. You'll just take the Ricky. No, I won't you will I won't
19:31You will I won't put them on
19:38Yeah, they're nice nice bins
19:42How do they stay on they got a little hook on the back of the ear?
19:46Practical excellent. I bet you can play football in them and everything. Oh, yeah, as long as I don't do any sudden head move. Yes
19:52So why are you Maya Pippin or the other one?
19:55Shortsighted. Yeah, but I'm brilliant on close objects. Yeah, the optician said I was the best she'd ever seen on close objects
20:01Oh, well, that's good. And
20:03Are you gonna be getting little boy?
20:16A
20:17Cup of tea Debs. Yeah, where's Tony? I don't know. You must have joined Gary down the pub, you know joking aside
20:24I really like his glasses actually
20:29Missing part of the jigsaw of his personality
20:32You know, I think Gary is jealous
20:35Well, I know when I was at school, it was always the boys and glasses
20:39We went for first because they were always gentlemen
20:43Absolutely, I mean even now
20:46I see a man in specs. I always get a rush of almost well sexual excitement
20:54I
21:09Please don't go to work. I hate it here on my own
21:13Well, I'm sorry Dorothy, but the business and domestic markets for high quality security equipment don't stand still just because you claim
21:20You're feeling a little bit poorly
21:22Where are my trousers I don't know
21:26Why don't you ask one of your friends over?
21:29During the day
21:31They won't come over in the evening in case you do your usual thing of smarming up to them calling them toots and offering them
21:36phallic shaped nibbles
21:38Where are my trousers Dorothy?
21:42Please Gary Gary, please. I'll be well enough to get up in a couple of days
21:46You're well enough to get up now. You could hop in a taxi and leave an expedition across a North Pole
21:52I'm dizzy. I'm still swollen and bleeding. I've got a temperature of over a hundred. Will you be nice and warm then? Won't you?
22:07How did that happen
22:10Give me the trousers Dorothy
22:12No, no, look we'll have a nice day together
22:19Go and do it somewhere else you were driving me mad you silly malingering tart
22:38Hi
22:39Hi, thanks, but I've changed my mind
22:42Want me money back. I've decided I like it blurry
22:49Spend all me money
22:54My friends laugh at me I've lost all the admiration and respect I've built up
23:02Maybe you should overcome your doubts about contact lenses
23:04So
23:07It's as comfortable as wearing a condom. Yeah. Yes, except you put them in your eye. Yes
23:18All right
23:19Good
23:21Do you have a preference between hard gas permeable tinted soft daily wear or disposable?
23:31Give me the cheapest
23:34No solid
23:38Make it two
23:44Sorry about this morning
23:50I don't know what came over me as the actress said to the Dorothy
23:56I've got you some flowers. They match your appendix. Where are you?
24:04I
24:34Have you tried everywhere she might be yeah the hospital her parents place all her friends a disgusting ex so-called
24:53Boyfriends all her favorite clothes shops. They say they said no
24:56We don't appear to have a slightly deranged woman wearing pajamas tottering derangedly through mixed separates you stupid bastard
25:05I don't know. I may inadvertently have called her a malingering tart, but
25:11That's the way we talk to each other I didn't realize she'd come over all bonkers
25:16Let's just stay calm try and work out some sort of psychological profile so we can find out what she's thinking
25:24So she's wearing ill-fitting pajamas, right? She nearly died of a burst appendix a week earlier
25:29Boyfriends just called her malingering
25:32She feels let down by the one person. She should be able to trust
25:35So what's her state of mind a little unhappy? Let's come back to that. What sort of a person is Dorothy?
25:41She's a brown-haired person. She's a scary person. She's a person with a history of volatile behavior
25:46But the note she left
25:50Feeling a bit odd have gone for a walk. I mean that sounds like someone is actually quite sane
25:54I don't think I need to blame myself needlessly. She's felt odd with five D's
26:00Oh, yeah, well, that's it. She's probably wandered onto a major road
26:07Your hysterical pour yourself a drink
26:21Well, that's very clever both of you you've made your point I'll take it my nursing services aren't required anymore
26:27Thank you very much. Thank you
26:33So like if a bloke's pain threshold right is up here right where yeah, I can't say it hurts when I open me eyes
26:43Here right. Yeah, then your average girls is down there. Oh, it's quite low. Yeah, that's what I'm saying
26:49Hi. Hello. Yeah, it's the difference. I
26:52Mean, look at the fuss women make about childbirth
26:56Now I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit
27:00But if blokes did it I reckon you'd be looking at what?
27:03Give birth have a couple of paracetamol. Maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour
27:10You're right there mate. Yeah. Yeah
27:12So it's not a good idea to wash your contact lenses in fuzzy Pete's shower gel then put them back in your eyes
27:18No
27:20Do you want to hammer the logger? Oh, no, I'm all right me
27:27So
27:29What's it like with your lenses in? Oh, it's great. Yeah. Yeah
27:33It's really clear. I was walking down the street and I could see all the little leaves on the tree
27:37Yeah, I can see little ants crawling along the branch. It's brilliant ants
27:42brilliant
27:44That's the buggery obvious
27:46So do you want to try opening your eyes again?
27:49Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Oh
27:52You got my nipple. Sorry
27:56Oh
28:02Wow
28:04You'd never know they were in
28:07Contact lenses. Yeah, are they comfortable? Yeah, except when I blink
28:13So, would you look after Dorothy again, yeah
28:17Well, this might sound harsh
28:19But I think women lose a lot of the femininity when they're ill
28:24Makes them less attractive
28:27Still bless me. Oh bless. Cheers. Cheers
28:33Do you want a pickled chili with that?
28:56You