The Queens Nose - Season 7 - Season Seven - Episode 4
Children's drama series about a magical coin which grants wishes. The children are roped into helping out at Chief's store after wishing it was busy. Jake wishes for a double to help get all his work done.
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TVTranscript
00:00You know, as much as I like hanging out with you, Jake, your maths lessons are really boring.
00:19Couldn't I stay in the shop?
00:21You can't be trusted in the shop.
00:23This cheese is specially imported from Latvia for chief.
00:27No wonder it tastes so disgusting.
00:29Then why do you eat almost all of it?
00:31Tell me that!
00:32I mean...
00:33Uh-oh.
00:34What?
00:35Time for you to disappear, mate.
00:36Oh, no.
00:37You and what's-your-peak.
00:38We're sipping.
00:39Well, well.
00:40What have we got here, then, eh?
00:41You saw our mate, Jake, here, innit, eh?
00:42No school for you today, mate.
00:43No.
00:44Because you're too on call for school.
00:45Oh, right.
00:46Good one.
00:47If you don't mind, I'll just...
00:48Hang on a minute.
00:49We'll see about that.
00:50I've got to go.
00:51I've got to go.
00:52I've got to go.
00:53I've got to go.
00:54I've got to go.
00:55I've got to go.
00:56I've got to go.
00:58What's in there, then, eh?
00:59Nothing, Wesley.
01:00Just leave it, all right?
01:01Leave it.
01:02It's the Freak's ferry.
01:03I'll tell you what, boys.
01:04How about we have a bit of fun with this zero's ferry?
01:05Just leave it, Wesley.
01:06Chinese bird, maybe.
01:07He bit me.
01:08He bit me.
01:09You all right?
01:10Compared to him, the cheese was tasty.
01:11Come on, please.
01:12We're going, boys, yeah?
01:13Hi, Mum.
01:14Hello, darling.
01:15What are you doing with my new window display?
01:16What's it displaying, you ask?
01:17It's a display.
01:18It's a display.
01:19It's a display.
01:20It's a display.
01:21It's a display.
01:22It's a display.
01:23It's a display.
01:24It's a display.
01:25What's it displaying, exactly?
01:27Birds.
01:28Birds go cheap.
01:29People come by and think, ooh, birds, cheap, and come in.
01:34And you really think people will work that one out?
01:37Well, we've got to do something.
01:39That shop across the road is taking all our business.
01:42Well, what does Chief think?
01:44Oh, I can't talk to him about it.
01:45It's too upsetting.
01:46The shop's his life.
01:50Oh, hello, Duncan.
01:52How are you doing?
01:53Fine.
01:55Lovely, um, display.
01:57Is it a crash of some kind?
02:00Yeah, it could be.
02:02Could be.
02:03Oh, Duncan, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter, Gemma.
02:07Gemma, this is Duncan from my salsa class.
02:10So you must be the reason my mum's taking two hours to dress lately.
02:14She's very funny.
02:16She gets that from me.
02:17Just like her pocket money, which she gets from me also.
02:20So behave.
02:21It was very nice meeting you, Mr. Duncan, sir.
02:25I'm off to do my homework now.
02:26Cheerio.
02:27Bye.
02:31So we've got to do something to save our shop.
02:33Well, that's pretty obvious.
02:35What about...
02:37The Queen's nose.
02:39Great minds think alike.
02:40OK, so what are we going to wish for?
02:42What about...
02:45A flood.
02:46Or a fire.
02:47Or a plane load of rotting pig's meat crushing the place.
02:51What?
02:52The other shop.
02:53How are we going to destroy the other shop?
02:55Well, I hadn't really thought, but why can't we make our shop really successful?
03:00Because this way will be much more fun.
03:03I know.
03:04Let's turn all their shop assistants into pigs.
03:07Or fish.
03:08Obviously not permanently.
03:10Look, Gemma, I don't exactly know why this coin arrived,
03:13but I'm pretty sure it wasn't to turn people into pigs.
03:16OK, what about fish?
03:18As long as it's for a good reason.
03:20Gemma.
03:22This is an amazingly powerful gift.
03:24And to be worthy of it, we've got to act with the utmost responsibility.
03:28Why don't you wish for world peace or new shoes for all or something?
03:33Steady on, one step at a time, eh?
03:37I wish our shop would have loads and loads of new customers.
03:44And I wish my cousin wasn't a total square.
03:48I heard that.
03:52Wow.
03:55The power of the worthy wish.
04:02My work here is done.
04:04Hey, kids, my window display, not such a crazy idea after all, eh?
04:08Uh...
04:09Yeah.
04:10Nice one, Mum.
04:11Yep.
04:12Word really travels fast about an amazing window display, doesn't it?
04:15Anyway, we don't want to waste any time.
04:17You don't mind lending a hand, do you? Thanks.
04:22Have a lollipop.
04:23Don't tell your mum.
04:24Off you go now.
04:25Thank you so much for your customer.
04:27Goodbye, sir. Goodbye, madam. Thank you.
04:29Oh, we're going to need some extra help till we can hire some staff.
04:32You two don't mind helping out before and after school, do you?
04:35Sure.
04:36Whatever.
04:37And I think I'm going to have to lose some of my jobs.
04:40Equipment go.
04:41And the cellar, which is sad, because that really had prospects.
04:45Still, looks like I'm going to be here full time from now on.
04:48That might be a bit hasty, Mum.
04:51Maybe you shouldn't give up the day jobs.
04:53Or the night ones.
04:55Nonsense.
04:56When success comes, you've got to grab it with both hands.
04:59Besides, if business starts to fail,
05:01I've already had an idea for a new window display.
05:05What?
05:06I can't hear you.
05:08Hey, Jacob, it's payback time.
05:10It's payback time?
05:12Yeah, it's payback time. I want payback.
05:14Oh, right.
05:15Yeah, well, I thought you would.
05:17And I have to say, I'm scared.
05:20But not as scared as my sabre-toothed stoat that I've got in here.
05:23Easy, boy.
05:24Flippin' heck, it feels like he's trying to gnaw his way out.
05:27What? What?
05:28Go on your way.
05:29Just keep your bags at the top, mate, all right?
05:32Oh, come on, Wes.
05:33You're not scared of a sabre-toothed stoat, are you?
05:36Right, don't stop me. Don't stop me.
05:39Sabre-toothed stoat, eh?
05:40Let's have a look.
05:41What?
05:42Oh, right.
05:44Yeah, sorry.
05:45No stoat.
05:47My PE kit's getting pretty nasty right now, though.
05:49Nice one, mate.
05:50Yeah, we just wanted to say, we thought it was a bit out of order,
05:53threatening your whatever it was the other day.
05:56My ferret?
05:57Right, cheers.
05:59So, it's all right to pick on a human being, just not a ferret?
06:04I get it.
06:05Listen, we're all hanging out tonight. Do you want to come along?
06:08I mean, we might go down to the arcade about 7.30?
06:12Yeah.
06:14Whatever.
06:15Sure.
06:17See you there.
06:18See you later, mate.
06:25Chief, I know it's my turn, but will you be OK tonight?
06:28Jake, perfect timing.
06:29I've got myself some clothes I've got to run, thanks, love.
06:32You deal with the customers.
06:33Gem's on restocking.
06:34Chief's doing the phone orders.
06:35You're a star.
06:36Thanks.
06:37See you later.
06:40This is typical, just typical.
06:43I get one chance to make some friends around here,
06:46and boom, back to square one.
06:49You can slip out.
06:50Chief probably wouldn't even notice.
06:52Yeah.
06:53I could set up a diversion.
06:54Mr Johnson's in the shop.
06:55I could start a fight with his wig.
06:57Nah, it's all right.
06:59I should help out here.
07:01It's great to be wanted.
07:03I just wish I could be in two places at once.
07:05Yeah.
07:08Well, maybe I can.
07:13I wish I could be in two places at once.
07:16Whoa.
07:18Wow.
07:19Where am I?
07:20Jake?
07:22That's right.
07:25I'm Jake.
07:27Listen, you're in charge of the shop.
07:30All right, time.
07:32OK, this is Frank.
07:33He'll answer any questions you've got.
07:35Um, see ya.
07:37Oh, and thanks for this.
07:39I really appreciate it.
07:41Uh, mate.
07:44Come on, Jake.
07:45How long do you need for a loo break?
07:47There's money to be made in here.
07:52I still think he's quite nice-looking.
07:54Jake?
07:55Oh, he's my cousin and everything,
07:57but he is king of the weirdos.
07:59He's a nice-looking king of the weirdos.
08:01OK.
08:02I hope the weather stays nice.
08:04Yeah.
08:05I'll see you later.
08:06Bye.
08:07Bye.
08:08Bye.
08:09Bye.
08:10Bye.
08:11Bye.
08:12Bye.
08:13I hope the weather stays nice on Planet Lauren.
08:15I've got to work with him in the shop this evening, and...
08:19That is very weird.
08:23Hey, look.
08:24It's your mum.
08:25Is that the bloke she's met?
08:27Yeah.
08:30Aw, that's sweet.
08:33Disgusting, but sweet.
08:37Why is he looking so shifty?
08:40What's he up to?
08:43He's married to someone else, and...
08:48He works in that shop?
08:50I thought that was the shop that's running us out of business.
08:53Oh, Gemma.
08:55I'm sorry.
08:56I was half as sorry as Mum's going to be.
09:01Hey!
09:02Keep it down a bit!
09:04I'm wiped out, mate.
09:06We had such a blast last night.
09:08While Carla thought I was tucked up in bed,
09:10me and Nick got a movie.
09:13Wicked.
09:14Great.
09:15You know...
09:17I had an idea.
09:18About me wishing for another double?
09:20You can do all the hard work so you don't have to?
09:22Yeah.
09:23How did you...
09:25Oh.
09:27Sorry, mate.
09:28No can do.
09:30I only got ten wishes.
09:32Besides, you're doing such a great job.
09:34I wouldn't want to replace you.
09:36Jake, who are you talking to?
09:38Quick, hide!
09:40No one!
09:41It's the radio!
09:43Jake, sorry.
09:44I know that you're working late in the shop,
09:46but it's time for school.
09:47Don't worry, Carla.
09:48I can take the strain.
09:49OK.
09:52Tell you what.
09:54You know you wanted a break from the shop?
09:56Yeah.
09:57Well, a change is as good as a rest.
09:59So today, you can go to school instead of me.
10:04Hey, Jake.
10:05How's it going?
10:06What's it to you?
10:08Hey!
10:09What's your problem?
10:11Look, whatever I normally say to you,
10:12just imagine I said it, OK?
10:13Hi, Jake.
10:15Hi.
10:17What's up?
10:18I'm being forced to go to school against my will.
10:20Oh, tell me about it.
10:23All I wanted was a lion.
10:24A lion is a fundamental human right.
10:28It must be really hard to adjust,
10:30arriving here so suddenly and everything.
10:33Suddenly?
10:34That's like the understatement of the century.
10:37Huh?
10:39It's not only school.
10:40I'm expected to be slaving away all night as well.
10:44Sometimes I really can't stand myself.
10:47Yeah.
10:49You know, I feel that way too.
10:51Yeah, but sometimes I think about sellotaping sausages to Jake's face
10:55and telling everyone he's got a horrible, disfiguring disease.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I think that's probably really healthy.
11:08What the hell?
11:13So how was school?
11:14OK.
11:15Well, not that great.
11:17There was a science test and I got a C.
11:20I got a C?
11:22Look, you really need to pull yourself together if you're going to be my double.
11:26I mean, my standards are pretty high.
11:28What do you mean, your standards?
11:30We're identical.
11:32You don't know anything more about science than I do.
11:34We are not identical.
11:36You're my copy.
11:37And copies are never quite as good as the original.
11:40OK then, Mr. Original.
11:43If your standards are so high, explain to me osmosis.
11:48Osmosis?
11:51Osmosis is...
11:56complicated.
11:58It's not worth explaining.
11:59You wouldn't understand.
12:00Oh yeah?
12:01Try me.
12:03It's where something...
12:06goes.
12:08Hold on.
12:09There's someone coming.
12:11Oh, right.
12:12Very convenient.
12:14Quick, hide!
12:15Get in the wardrobe!
12:16You get in the wardrobe!
12:17Why should I?
12:18Hey!
12:19Look, doubles have rights too, you know.
12:21Look, just stay in the wardrobe and we'll talk about this later, OK?
12:28Come in!
12:30Were you talking to someone?
12:33I heard voices.
12:34Yeah.
12:35It was just...
12:37I was just on my mobile.
12:39Jake, you don't have a mobile.
12:42Anyway, I've got big news about Duncan.
12:44Yeah?
12:45It only turns out he works in the shop over the road.
12:48I think he might even run it.
12:50He's the one who's been driving Chief out of business.
12:52I've got to do something and you've got to help me.
12:56Jake, have you been listening to a word I have said?
12:59Yeah, of course.
13:02I was just...
13:03I just think...
13:04Why worry?
13:05You know, with the Queen's nose bringing all these customers in,
13:08who cares about the other shop?
13:10That's not the point, liquid brain.
13:12The point is, Duncan's taking Mum for a ride and we have to...
13:18We have got to get rid of some of the stuff in there.
13:21When are you ever going to wear this?
13:23Jake?
13:25Jake?
13:26Which one of you is Jake?
13:28He's yesterday's model.
13:30I'm the new improved.
13:31Yeah, right.
13:32You can't improve perfection.
13:34If you're so perfect, how come you wish me up in the first place?
13:37Oh, great.
13:38One Jake was bad enough, but two...
13:41I just needed some help, that's all.
13:43I've been run off my feet.
13:45Hang on.
13:46Hold it just a minute.
13:47I thought you were the use the coin for good guy,
13:50creating another one of you to get off work.
13:52That's using the coin for good, is it?
13:54Yeah, well, you know.
13:57She got you there, my friend.
14:00Whose side are you on?
14:03Mine.
14:05Just bumming about.
14:06Hey, Nick.
14:07How's it going?
14:08We still on for...
14:10Right, now I'm worth talking to.
14:12What?
14:14Yesterday I wasn't good enough to say hello to,
14:16but now you're all, hey, Nick.
14:18Yesterday?
14:19What's the matter?
14:20Someone wiped your brain while you were sleeping?
14:24I'm Nick.
14:25You're Jake.
14:26Today's Tuesday and this is Planet Earth.
14:29Oh, I get it.
14:31Right, look.
14:32Yesterday was different.
14:34I wasn't feeling...
14:36myself.
14:37Sure, yesterday was different.
14:39But stay there to see how you like it.
14:41Come on, Darren.
14:48Hey.
14:49No time to sit around.
14:51Chief's been hassling me to help out in the shop.
14:53So help out.
14:54This is the first day I've had off since I've got here.
14:58I've got to go and find Nick.
14:59Try and make it up with him.
15:01My first proper friend here.
15:02And you go and ruin everything.
15:04Well, as a matter of fact, I've got an outing plan for tonight as well.
15:07No way.
15:08One of us has got to work in the shop.
15:10Otherwise...
15:11And if I don't go?
15:13I'll be letting down a special someone.
15:15Look, if you don't help out in the shop tonight,
15:18I'm going to make you disappear.
15:21OK.
15:22Go on.
15:24Try it.
15:25But are you sure you won't end up disappearing yourself?
15:27I mean, are you sure you know who the real Jake is?
15:30Is it Mr Mean and Nasty?
15:32Or is it me?
15:34Mr Good Natured Dude.
15:40Jake!
15:41Over here!
15:42I'm here!
15:43Oh, hi Lauren.
15:44I thought you were going to go right past.
15:46Yeah, well, I'm in a bit of...
15:48Don't worry, you're not too late.
15:49It hasn't started yet.
15:50Er, actually, I can't.
15:52I'm looking for Nick.
15:55Have you seen him, have you?
15:56Nick?
15:57I thought he might be in the arcade, but he wasn't there.
15:59I don't have a clue where he is.
16:01But since you'd much rather spend the evening with him,
16:03I hope you find him.
16:04Oh, no!
16:05Lauren!
16:06Did...
16:07Did I arrange to meet you tonight?
16:09Well, obviously, you mistook me for the far more interesting Nick.
16:12I'm sorry.
16:13Look, it was a mistake.
16:14Well, that's pretty obvious.
16:15Look, I...
16:16I wasn't myself.
16:19Look, Jake, you don't have to explain.
16:21Gemma told me you were king of the weirdos,
16:23but you're not.
16:25I was lord of the losers
16:26and president of the United States of Geekdom.
16:30Hi, Jake.
16:31Hey, where's Chief?
16:33Where's all the stock?
16:35I gave everything away at discount.
16:38A hundred percent discount.
16:40Think of it
16:41like a really big promotional offer.
16:48How could Jake be so childish
16:50and irresponsible
16:51and damn right stupid?
16:53I'm not even sure we can afford to restock the shop.
16:56I can't believe he gave away the till.
16:59When I was young,
17:01we were too poor to afford a piano.
17:04I used to play some beautiful music on our till.
17:10How could you be so stupid?
17:12Chief left you in charge.
17:13Couldn't you at least take some responsibility?
17:15We're skinny.
17:16Carla's got ten job vacancies.
17:18I can't believe you!
17:19You...
17:20asked Lauren for a date!
17:23You're the mystery cinema guy.
17:25Hey,
17:26I understand what you've been too scared to do.
17:28That is such rubbish!
17:29I never...
17:30would never
17:31want to go out with Lauren.
17:32Listen, mate.
17:33Your brain is my brain.
17:35I didn't come from nowhere.
17:36You...
17:38I regret ever laying eyes on your stupid, ugly face!
17:42Jake, I'm really starting to worry about your self-image.
17:46Boy, do me and Lauren have a lot to talk about.
17:48Forget about all that.
17:49We have to get back everything he gave away.
17:53Luckily, I have the perfect solution.
17:55Right here in my...
17:58pocket.
18:01The coin.
18:03It's...
18:04Somewhere safe.
18:05Gemma, give it to me!
18:07You've got to admit, she's good.
18:09She's not good, she's a pain!
18:11And will you stop taking her side?
18:13She thinks I'm a geek.
18:15That means she thinks you're a geek, too.
18:17Actually, I think the new edition's a bit of an improvement.
18:20What?
18:21I don't think you've got it in you to do something as bold and crazy as giving the whole shop away.
18:24Why, thank you.
18:26I just thought, what's the quickest way to get my point across?
18:29And then I simply...
18:30This is not a celebrity interview.
18:32Just give me the coin, and we can sort out all this mess.
18:35No.
18:36Ever since you made this wish, you've been acting more and more horribly.
18:39It's not me, it's him!
18:41He can't do anything right!
18:42He can't be trusted in the shop, he's too uncool for school!
18:45Jake!
18:48Wesley.
18:50I'm turning into Wesley.
18:53You're right.
18:55Look, I'm sorry if I've been a bit of a taskmaster.
18:58A lot of a taskmaster!
19:00Alright then, a lot of a taskmaster.
19:02Well, I suppose I owe you one for emptying out the shop.
19:05May have been bold and crazy, but he was a bit childish.
19:09Look, can we save the Jake on Jake love scene for a more private moment?
19:14Well, we'd better get busy.
19:16We've got to get back everything you gave away.
19:19Without magical assistance.
19:24They're all faulty?
19:25Yes, I know it's hard to believe that a tea towel can be faulty,
19:29but these are actually quite dangerous!
19:32It's actually my grandfather's heirloom.
19:34Digital watches have been around for hundreds of years in Lithuania.
19:37Hey?
19:40They've all been found to be poisonous, I'm afraid.
19:42But I've already eaten one.
19:44Yeah?
19:45Well, uh, don't worry.
19:47They're not that poisonous.
19:49You'll live.
19:50I already gave it to you ten minutes ago.
19:53Oh, yeah.
19:55Of course you did.
19:57I remember now.
20:04Oh, it's you.
20:06What do you want?
20:07Hi, Lauren.
20:08What a nice surprise.
20:10Sorry about standing you up.
20:12Maybe another time we could...
20:15Or, on the other hand,
20:17we don't have to rush into anything.
20:19Mum?
20:21Can I have a word?
20:22Of course you can, sweetheart.
20:25It's about Duncan.
20:30Took the devil?
20:32How romantic.
20:34What did you want to say, puppet?
20:36Uh, I...
20:38I just wanted to say...
20:41that...
20:45Duncan's a really nice guy,
20:46and I'm really happy for you.
20:48It's a lovely thing to say, Gemma.
20:50And I know it's early days yet,
20:52but I really do think there could be something there.
20:55Great.
20:57Um, it's your cousin I'm concerned about.
21:00Jake's been acting very strangely lately.
21:02Don't worry.
21:03I know what you mean, but I think I know why.
21:05Yeah, but I am worried.
21:07I just don't really get that boy.
21:09He's been behaving like two different people.
21:11I know what you mean,
21:12but I think there's an explanation.
21:15Really?
21:16Cos I'm wondering if perhaps he's just not coping with life here very well.
21:19He's doing fine.
21:21That thing with the stock was just a one-off.
21:23Do you think so?
21:25Cos I was thinking maybe we should have a word with him
21:28about going back to live with his dad.
21:31Well, it's not much.
21:33Well, at least we got Chief's till back.
21:36At least we did something together for a change.
21:38We're a great partnership.
21:40A classic double act.
21:42I didn't mean it about you being ugly.
21:44You're quite good-looking, actually.
21:46Thanks.
21:48You're a bit of a hunk yourself.
21:59Look, Mum, I know Jake's been behaving weirdly,
22:02but he's not weird.
22:04He just seems weird.
22:06I just want what's best for him.
22:08There's no better time to talk about his future than now.
22:12Well, can't it wait until the morning?
22:14I mean, he needs his sleep.
22:16He's been beside himself lately.
22:18No.
22:20Jake?
22:22Jake, you all right?
22:24Yeah, I'm fine.
22:26Just fine.
22:28What's all this?
22:30Just some stuff my stupid self gave away in the shop.
22:33I've just been round knocking on doors.
22:35It's surprising how attached people can be to faulty cleaning products.
22:41I know it's not much, but...
22:43Jake, at least you tried.
22:45I'm sorry about causing all this trouble, Aunt Carla.
22:47It's OK, Jake.
22:49I've been so busy, I probably haven't given you half the attention you needed.
22:54So, what happened to the...
22:56Oh, er...
22:58We kind of made peace and he just disappeared.
23:01Yeah, right, I guess that makes sense.
23:03I guess he'd done what he came here to do.
23:05Don't mean to interrupt,
23:07but would you mind telling me what on earth you're talking about?
23:10He made a double of himself with a magic coin
23:12and it seemed like a good idea at first,
23:14but then it turned into a mess.
23:16But it's disappeared now, so everything's OK.
23:18Right.
23:20Well, if you want to make any more wishes,
23:22do let me know in advance, OK?
23:24No problem.