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00:00:00He wants to go home, and I don't know how to stop him.
00:00:03Okay, how about this?
00:00:04You keep him there a little longer,
00:00:05and when you get to the party,
00:00:06I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
00:00:18Don't toy with me, woman.
00:00:22I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem.
00:00:24I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around
00:00:26and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away
00:00:28from letting you wear her like a hat.
00:00:33Thy will be done.
00:00:44I'm doing this for you, little buddy.
00:00:53Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
00:00:56No, he's not.
00:00:57Yes, he is.
00:00:58Look, sir, we are very busy here, and I just...
00:01:00Holy crap!
00:01:04Please help me.
00:01:06Call four, I need a gurney.
00:01:09Right away, right away.
00:01:26Oh, dear God.
00:01:29Leonard!
00:01:32Leonard, I'm sick!
00:01:37Leonard?
00:01:40Leonard, I'm sick!
00:01:46Leonard?
00:01:49Leonard?
00:01:51Leonard?
00:01:52Leonard?
00:01:55Leonard, my comforter fell down
00:01:57and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
00:02:03Leonard?
00:02:12Ow.
00:02:19Hey, Leonard, where are you?
00:02:22I'm at work.
00:02:25At 6.30 in the morning?
00:02:27Yes.
00:02:29On Sunday?
00:02:31Yes.
00:02:33Why?
00:02:34They asked me to come in.
00:02:35I didn't hear the phone ring.
00:02:37They texted me.
00:02:40Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
00:02:44My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 a.m.,
00:02:47and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
00:02:53No kidding.
00:02:54Nope.
00:02:55Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
00:03:03Howard, it's the phone!
00:03:08I know it's the phone, Ma.
00:03:10I hear the phone!
00:03:12Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
00:03:15I don't know!
00:03:17Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour!
00:03:22How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?!
00:03:29Hello?
00:03:31Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
00:03:33Dear Lord, not milky green.
00:03:35Are there any questions?
00:03:37Yeah. What the hell was that?
00:03:42Any other questions?
00:03:44Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
00:03:45I am the lead author of this particular paper.
00:03:52And you, sir,
00:03:53you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park
00:03:57and I saw these children on a merry-go-round,
00:03:59which started me thinking about the moment of inertia
00:04:02in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
00:04:05I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote. It's not science.
00:04:08Oh. Oh, I see.
00:04:09It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
00:04:11Was that just an anecdote?
00:04:13You are not Isaac Newton.
00:04:14No, no, that's true.
00:04:15Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
00:04:18You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
00:04:20You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
00:04:23Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation,
00:04:25then maybe you should have given it with me.
00:04:27As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you,
00:04:29I don't need validation from lesser minds.
00:04:31No offense.
00:04:33Really? So why did you come?
00:04:34Because I knew you'd screw this up.
00:04:36Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you.
00:04:39Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
00:04:42But you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
00:04:47No offense.
00:04:49And I am clearly not the only person
00:04:51who is tormented by insecurity
00:04:53and has an ego in need of constant validation.
00:04:55So you admit you're an egotist.
00:04:57Yes!
00:04:59My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter,
00:05:01and I could never please my parents,
00:05:02so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you.
00:05:05But he's worse!
00:05:06Okay, that is it.
00:05:08Stop it.
00:05:11You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
00:05:14Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
00:05:16Stop it.
00:05:17You hit me. You saw that. He hit me.
00:05:19You were trying to blow up my head.
00:05:21So it was working.
00:05:22It wasn't. It was not.
00:05:23You are a nutcase!
00:05:24Oh, we'll see about that.
00:05:25Heads up, you people in the front row.
00:05:27This is a splash zone.
00:05:29Stop it.
00:05:30Quit it.
00:05:37Is this usually how these physics things go?
00:05:39More often than you think.
00:05:42Ow!
00:05:43You're doing a fucking nerve, man!
00:05:45Let's go
00:05:47A-ooh
00:05:49Tonight
00:05:53I have to go
00:05:55A-ooh
00:05:57Tonight
00:05:59What the hell is that?
00:06:02I don't know,
00:06:03but if cats could sing,
00:06:05they'd hate it too.
00:06:12You wanna prowl?
00:06:14Be my night owl
00:06:16We'll take my hat
00:06:17Hey, guys!
00:06:18Hi!
00:06:19Where are you going?
00:06:20What?
00:06:21Oh, we just had to
00:06:22mail some letters
00:06:24and
00:06:25throw away some chicken.
00:06:28You'll never guess
00:06:29what just happened.
00:06:30Oh, I give up.
00:06:31I don't guess.
00:06:32As a scientist,
00:06:33I reach conclusions
00:06:34based on observation
00:06:35and experimentation.
00:06:37Although, as I'm saying this,
00:06:38it occurs to me
00:06:39you may have been
00:06:40employing a rhetorical
00:06:41and philosophical
00:06:42approach
00:06:43to science.
00:06:44I don't.
00:06:45I don't.
00:06:46I don't.
00:06:47I don't.
00:06:48I don't.
00:06:49I don't.
00:06:50I don't.
00:06:51I don't.
00:06:52I don't.
00:06:53I don't.
00:06:54I don't.
00:06:55I don't.
00:06:56Also, you may have been
00:06:57employing a rhetorical device
00:06:58rendering my response
00:06:59mood.
00:07:01What was that?
00:07:02Believe it or not
00:07:03personal growth.
00:07:04What happened?
00:07:05Alright,
00:07:06remember when I auditioned
00:07:07for that workshop
00:07:08production of Rent
00:07:09but I didn't get it
00:07:10and I couldn't figure out why?
00:07:11I have a conclusion
00:07:12based on an observation.
00:07:13No you don't.
00:07:14No, he doesn't.
00:07:15Well, the girl they picked
00:07:16to play Mimi
00:07:17she dropped out
00:07:18and they asked me
00:07:19to replace her.
00:07:20Oh, congratulations!
00:07:21What a lucky break.
00:07:22It's not a big deal
00:07:23it was just a one night showcase
00:07:24but they invite a lot
00:07:25You never know.
00:07:25I think I know.
00:07:26No, you don't.
00:07:28He doesn't.
00:07:30It's this Friday at eight.
00:07:31You guys want to come?
00:07:32No.
00:07:34Because Friday we are attending a symposium
00:07:40on molecular positronium.
00:07:41I think that's a week from Tuesday at six.
00:07:43No, it's this Friday at eight.
00:07:47Too bad.
00:07:48Well, I got to get to rehearsal.
00:07:49See you guys.
00:07:50See ya.
00:07:51Go out tonight.
00:07:56You just lied to Penny.
00:07:57Yes, I did.
00:07:58But you did it so casually.
00:08:00No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
00:08:03So?
00:08:04So lack of a physiological response while lying
00:08:06is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
00:08:09Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
00:08:12No, I imagine if you were going to kill me,
00:08:14you'd have done it a long time ago.
00:08:16That's very true.
00:08:37Here's your T-shirt.
00:08:42EMS?
00:08:44It's a couple of days early.
00:08:46No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
00:08:51Oh, right, of course.
00:08:52What was I thinking?
00:08:54Good afternoon, everyone,
00:08:56and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl.
00:09:01Today's preliminary match features two great teams,
00:09:05AA versus PMS.
00:09:10All night long, y'all.
00:09:17The final question.
00:09:19The score now stands.
00:09:21AA, 1,150.
00:09:22PMS, 1,175.
00:09:26So, for 100 points and the match,
00:09:29please turn your attention to the formula on the screens.
00:09:34Solve the equation.
00:09:38Holy crap.
00:09:41What the hell is that?
00:09:42It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
00:09:46I think.
00:09:48Leslie?
00:09:48Leonard, it's not gonna work if you rush me.
00:09:50You have to let me get there.
00:09:51You are never going to let that go, are you?
00:09:5410 seconds.
00:09:59He doesn't have it.
00:10:01He's got squat.
00:10:11AA, I need your answer.
00:10:15The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
00:10:18Hang on, hang on a second.
00:10:19That is not our answer.
00:10:20What are you doing?
00:10:21Answering question.
00:10:22Winning Physics Bowl.
00:10:26How do you know anything about physics?
00:10:28Here I am janitor in former Soviet Union.
00:10:31I am physicist.
00:10:33Leningrad Polytechnica.
00:10:35Go polar bears.
00:10:40Well, that's a delightful little story,
00:10:42but our arrangement was that you sit here
00:10:43and not say anything.
00:10:44I answer the questions.
00:10:45You didn't answer a question.
00:10:47Hey, look.
00:10:48Now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia,
00:10:50but on this Physics Bowl team,
00:10:51I rule with an iron fist.
00:10:53Ow!
00:10:55AA, I need your official answer.
00:10:57Well, it's not what he said.
00:10:59Then what is it?
00:11:00I want a different question.
00:11:01You can't have a different question.
00:11:02Formal protest.
00:11:02Denied.
00:11:03Informal protest.
00:11:06Denied.
00:11:07I need your official answer.
00:11:08No, I declined to provide one.
00:11:10Well, that's too bad
00:11:11because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
00:11:15That's your opinion?
00:11:19All right, the winner of the match is...
00:11:21Hang on.
00:11:22Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter
00:11:25than everyone else so important
00:11:27that you would rather lose by yourself
00:11:28than win as part of a team?
00:11:32I don't understand the question.
00:11:35Go ahead.
00:11:36The winner is PMS.
00:11:37♪ All the other champions, my friends ♪
00:11:43♪ My friends ♪
00:11:46♪ And we'll keep on fighting to the end ♪
00:11:54♪ We are the champions, we are the champions ♪
00:12:02♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
00:12:06♪ Because we are the champions ♪
00:12:11Uh, some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop
00:12:14from the original film and no one is bidding on it.
00:12:17A time machine from the movie, The Time Machine?
00:12:20No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
00:12:23Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
00:12:26Did you see it? It's rough.
00:12:29Oh, that's cool.
00:12:31It's only $800?
00:12:32Yeah, and that's my bid.
00:12:34You bid $800?
00:12:35It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
00:12:37I figured it would go for thousands
00:12:38and I just wanted to be a part of it.
00:12:41There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
00:12:42Do you have $800?
00:12:44Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
00:12:46Well, don't worry, the way these things work
00:12:47is people wait until the last second to bid
00:12:49and then they swoop in and get it.
00:12:50It's called sniping.
00:12:5115 seconds.
00:12:52Come on, snipers.
00:12:5510, nine, eight.
00:12:57Where are your snipers?
00:12:59Five.
00:13:00Snipe.
00:13:01Four.
00:13:02Snipe.
00:13:03Three.
00:13:03Snipe.
00:13:04Two.
00:13:05Snipe.
00:13:06One.
00:13:07Ah, congratulations.
00:13:08You are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
00:13:11You lucky duck.
00:13:13I wonder why no one else bid.
00:13:15This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
00:13:17I know.
00:13:27I understand why no one else bid.
00:13:31Who is it?
00:13:33Stripper Grim.
00:13:39Tag, you're it.
00:13:42Shouldn't you put him in a brown paper bag
00:13:44and set him on fire?
00:13:49I've never slept on an air mattress before.
00:13:52No lumbar support whatsoever.
00:13:56Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench.
00:14:00I don't see any way to get a park bench in here.
00:14:04Do you want to switch?
00:14:05No, that's fine.
00:14:06I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
00:14:12Get out of bed, we're switching.
00:14:14Now, only if you want to.
00:14:15Just get in the bed.
00:14:17What's going on?
00:14:19Are you boys roughhousing?
00:14:23Just talking, Ma.
00:14:25If you don't settle down right now,
00:14:28I'm not gonna let you have any more sleepovers.
00:14:33God's sake, Ma, I'm 27 years old.
00:14:37It's not even a school night.
00:14:43Comfy now?
00:14:45Eh.
00:14:51A poster of Halle Berry's a little unnerving.
00:14:55So don't look at it.
00:14:57She's like my fourth favorite Catwoman.
00:14:59No kidding.
00:15:00Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer,
00:15:02Eartha Kitt, and then her.
00:15:04What about Lee Merriweather?
00:15:06Oh, I forgot about Lee Merriweather.
00:15:09Well, I'm glad that's settled.
00:15:11That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite Catwoman.
00:15:15There's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer,
00:15:16Eartha Kitt, Lee Merriweather.
00:15:17Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
00:15:20I'm trying, I'm counting Catwomen.
00:15:28She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies, though.
00:15:30Oh, for God's sake.
00:15:31She's not my favorite of the X-Men.
00:15:33In order, that would be Wolverine, Cyclops.
00:15:35Oh, wait, I forgot Professor X.
00:15:36Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman,
00:15:39then Storm, Angel, The Beat.
00:15:41No, wait, Nightcrawler.
00:15:43Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman,
00:15:46then Storm, Angel, The Beat.
00:15:48I'm coming.
00:15:51Hey.
00:15:54There he is.
00:15:55There my old buddy-butt-bud.
00:15:57It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
00:16:01Oh.
00:16:03From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
00:16:07No, he was some kind of scientist.
00:16:08Let me start again.
00:16:11Oh, hey, Leonard.
00:16:12Hello.
00:16:13Leslie.
00:16:13Hi.
00:16:18Okay, well, goodnight.
00:16:23Okay, well, goodnight.
00:16:27That ain't gonna make your point.
00:16:32Okay, okay, that's enough.
00:16:36Call me.
00:16:39Right.
00:16:42Well, okay, goodnight.
00:16:44Uh, what?
00:16:45I had a great time, chow.
00:16:46Everything has to do with sex.
00:16:47Mmm, testify.
00:16:51Okay, well, goodnight.
00:16:53Uh, what?
00:16:54I had a great time, chow.
00:16:56Everything has to do with sex.
00:16:57Mmm, testify.
00:17:01I'm not touching that.
00:17:05Leslie, you are way off base here.
00:17:07Hang on, Leonard.
00:17:08Well, I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist
00:17:11or a human being, for that matter.
00:17:14We have to concede her undeniable expertise
00:17:16in the interrelated fields of promiscuity
00:17:18and general sluttiness.
00:17:23My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
00:17:26Some what?
00:17:28Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
00:17:31I'll take the bullet.
00:17:35Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
00:17:37Yeah, yeah, enough debate.
00:17:38I'm going to take action.
00:17:41Excuse me.
00:17:42Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
00:17:47No.
00:17:48Would you like to be?
00:17:51Uh, sure, why not?
00:17:56Sheldon?
00:17:56B-b-b-bitch.
00:17:59Can I have your phone number?
00:18:02Uh, yeah.
00:18:06Yeah.
00:18:16There, problem solved.
00:18:21Dumbass.
00:18:22Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli
00:18:23to be diced, not shredded?
00:18:25Yes.
00:18:25Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
00:18:27Yes.
00:18:28Brown rice, not white?
00:18:28Yes.
00:18:29Did you stop at the Korean grocery
00:18:30to get hot mustard?
00:18:31Yes.
00:18:32Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
00:18:33Yes.
00:18:35You're welcome.
00:18:37What took you so long?
00:18:40Just sit down and eat.
00:18:42Fine.
00:18:46All right, it's shredded.
00:18:47What do you want me to do?
00:18:48Turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
00:18:51I haven't fastened my seatbelt yet.
00:18:56Okay, fasten your seatbelt.
00:19:00Okay.
00:19:04Click.
00:19:08Now, are there airbags?
00:19:09You don't need airbags.
00:19:10What does a simulated van rear-ends mean?
00:19:12I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
00:19:24Okay, now shift into drive.
00:19:26Pull out slowly into traffic.
00:19:29Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:19:31watch out, watch out!
00:19:32Watch out for the gas ramps!
00:19:34Oh, you've got to wait, no, hit the brakes, hit the brakes!
00:19:39Ah!
00:19:55Sorry, excuse me.
00:19:59My bad.
00:20:03Student driver!
00:20:06How did you manage to get on the second floor
00:20:08of the Glendale Galleria?
00:20:11I don't know.
00:20:12I was on the Pasadena Freeway.
00:20:13I missed my exit, flew off the overpass,
00:20:16and one thing led to another.
00:20:20Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
00:20:23No, I quit.
00:20:29Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
00:20:33Oh, the pet store.
00:20:37Remind me to compliment Wallowitz on the software.
00:20:39It's amazingly detailed.
00:20:44Excuse me.
00:20:48What the hell is wrong with you?
00:20:49I'm helping you with Stephanie.
00:20:50By making constipated moose sounds?
00:20:54When I fail to open this jar and you succeed,
00:20:56it will establish you as the alpha male.
00:20:58You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition
00:21:01of physical domination, she produces the hormone oxytocin.
00:21:04If the two of you then engage in intercourse,
00:21:06this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain,
00:21:08which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.
00:21:14Huh.
00:21:17Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
00:21:21Yes, actually, it would, but let's see how the lid goes.
00:21:25I'm not strong enough, Leonard.
00:21:26You'll have to do it.
00:21:29For God's sakes.
00:21:30Go ahead, it's pre-loosened.
00:21:43Ow!
00:21:46Do you want some help with that?
00:21:47No, no, no.
00:21:51I got it.
00:21:51Oh, yeah, yeah, he's got it.
00:21:53And that's not surprising.
00:21:54This is something I long ago came to peace with
00:21:56in my role as the beta male.
00:21:59Open it.
00:22:05Ow.
00:22:07Oh, my God.
00:22:08Ow.
00:22:09Are you okay?
00:22:10No, I'm bleeding.
00:22:11Like a gladiator.
00:22:14Oh, honey, you're gonna need stitches.
00:22:15Stitches?
00:22:16With a needle?
00:22:18Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.
00:22:20Oh, okay.
00:22:22Yeah, hang on a sec.
00:22:23FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.
00:22:28Penny.
00:22:30Penny.
00:22:33Penny.
00:22:40Sheldon.
00:22:42Penny.
00:22:45Penny.
00:22:46Penny.
00:22:47Penny.
00:22:47Penny.
00:22:48Penny.
00:22:49Penny.
00:22:50Penny.
00:22:51Penny.
00:22:52Penny.
00:22:53Penny.
00:22:55I have an inflamed larynx.
00:23:01Okay.
00:23:05We are out of herbal tea.
00:23:08Do you have any?
00:23:14Okay, let me check.
00:23:19Some honey would be nice too.
00:23:23Piney?
00:23:28Honey.
00:23:32If this is about the night the heat went out,
00:23:35there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
00:23:39It's not about that.
00:23:39We agreed to never speak of it again.
00:23:42So we slept together naked.
00:23:47It was only to keep our core body temperatures
00:23:49from plummeting.
00:23:50He's speaking about it.
00:23:52For me, it was a bonding moment.
00:23:57I don't see anything.
00:23:58Shh.
00:24:05Hallway.
00:24:11One at a time.
00:24:20One at a time.
00:24:27What was that?
00:24:28My stomach.
00:24:31Indian food doesn't agree with me.
00:24:35Ironic, isn't it?
00:24:38Shh.
00:24:41Elevator shaft.
00:24:47Help me, Elton.
00:24:49Do you think we can't go down an empty elevator shaft?
00:24:52Fine.
00:24:53If you don't want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet
00:24:55and I'll take possession of your fantastic four.
00:24:59Let's open her up.
00:25:02Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?
00:25:05Don't push me, Sheldon.
00:25:07I may be small, but I took Kung Fu when I was 13
00:25:10and I remember a good deal of it.
00:25:13Oh, really?
00:25:14Well, I grew up with an older brother
00:25:15and a very contentious twin sister.
00:25:17And I believe I could easily best you
00:25:18in any physical confrontation,
00:25:20be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic
00:25:22why are you hitting yourself?
00:25:26Ooh, big talk from a man who was once treated by a chicken.
00:25:36What's going on, Day Dwellers?
00:25:39Oh, man, did the Kiss Army repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell?
00:25:44No.
00:25:45Raj and I are going to a goth club in Hollywood
00:25:48to hang with the night people.
00:25:51Anybody want to come along?
00:25:53Oh, wow, you're actually going out like that?
00:25:55No, no, I'm going out like this.
00:26:01Howard, what did you do?
00:26:03They're called tattoo sleeves, look.
00:26:07Yeah, I bought them online.
00:26:08Raj got a set too.
00:26:13Fantastic, right?
00:26:14I could put them on, have hot sex
00:26:15with some freaky girl with her business peers,
00:26:17take them off, and I can still be buried
00:26:19in a Jewish cemetery.
00:26:22You know, I've always wanted to go to a goth nightclub.
00:26:25Really?
00:26:26Bazinga.
00:26:29None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?
00:26:33Okay, how about you two?
00:26:34Look, I got some extra tat sleeves.
00:26:38Why are you carrying extras?
00:26:39In case I snag one on someone's nipple ring.
00:26:42Uh, yeah, I think we'll pass.
00:26:45Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now?
00:26:50Miss case, you bet she is.
00:26:54Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped,
00:26:57but that's not the expression.
00:27:03Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens
00:27:05and pick up some more eyeliner.
00:27:12They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
00:27:15They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.
00:27:18We're going to be designing an experiment
00:27:20to look for the annihilation spectrum
00:27:21resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
00:27:24Ooh, dark matter, we better bring a flashlight.
00:27:31I was making a joke.
00:27:32I'm the boss, I make the jokes.
00:27:37Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
00:27:39This is not the time for joking.
00:27:42We're doing serious research,
00:27:43which requires complete and utter focus.
00:27:45All right, let's buckle down and work.
00:28:12Sheldon?
00:28:13What?
00:28:14I need an aspirin.
00:28:15Top desk drawer.
00:28:24All right?
00:28:25Yes.
00:28:26Good.
00:28:32You really are a genius.
00:28:36Not really.
00:28:37I Googled how to do that.
00:28:42So, listen,
00:28:46have you ever made a pact with someone?
00:28:49You mean like a pinky swear?
00:28:52Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
00:28:55Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I
00:28:57made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.
00:29:00You know, from Sesame Street?
00:29:02Yeah, I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
00:29:04You know, from Sesame Street?
00:29:06Yeah, I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
00:29:08Then we found out we both wanted Ernie.
00:29:10We didn't speak again till middle school.
00:29:14Over puppets?
00:29:15The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
00:29:18Okay.
00:29:20Speaking of what the heart wants,
00:29:23a long time ago,
00:29:25I made a pact with Wolowitz
00:29:27that kind of involves you.
00:29:35Okay.
00:29:36I don't know where you're going with this,
00:29:38but tread carefully because it may be
00:29:40the last conversation we ever have.
00:29:43No, no.
00:29:45Nothing like that.
00:29:46The deal was that if either of us
00:29:48ever got a girlfriend,
00:29:50we'd have her fix the other one up
00:29:51with one of her friends.
00:29:53And you thought a good time to bring this up
00:29:55would be right after sex?
00:29:57Well, sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up
00:29:59before sex.
00:30:01And during, I was trying to remember
00:30:03what I read on Google, so...
00:30:08I'm not hooking Wolowitz up
00:30:09with one of my friends.
00:30:10It doesn't have to be a good friend.
00:30:14And you know that deep down inside,
00:30:16Howard's a really nice guy.
00:30:18The problem isn't what's on the inside.
00:30:21It's the creepy candy coating.
00:30:25Will you at least think about it?
00:30:28Will you at least think about it?
00:30:30Just as a favor to me.
00:30:34The great thing about Ernie
00:30:36was he never asked me for anything.
00:30:39He just gave.
00:30:43Wolowitz is trying to outflank us.
00:30:45Let out some string, add altitude,
00:30:47and I'll go under and cut his line.
00:30:49Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
00:30:51Focus, Leonard, focus.
00:30:53The heat of battle is upon us.
00:30:54The dogs of war are unleashed.
00:30:57Maybe Cuther Polly's right.
00:30:59Maybe I embarrass her.
00:31:00But you're embarrassing me right now.
00:31:02A grown man worrying about such nonsense?
00:31:04We're in the middle of flying kites.
00:31:08Sorry.
00:31:09Sorry won't bring their kites down.
00:31:11Ow! String burn, string burn!
00:31:16Oh, they think we're flanking.
00:31:18They're playing right into our hands.
00:31:20At the count of three,
00:31:21we execute the flying scissor.
00:31:23One, two, three.
00:31:25You see that?
00:31:26See what?
00:31:27That chick.
00:31:28She smiled at me.
00:31:29No, she didn't.
00:31:30Yes, she did.
00:31:31Come on, scissors, scissors.
00:31:32Hold my line.
00:31:33What are you doing?
00:31:34I got scissors by myself.
00:31:35I would come back!
00:31:38Victory!
00:31:40Son of a bitch.
00:31:42I have a few questions.
00:31:43First, I noticed that you offer soup
00:31:45and the half sandwich.
00:31:46Yes.
00:31:47Where exactly does the half sandwich come from?
00:31:50Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich?
00:31:53Or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant
00:31:55to order the other half?
00:31:56No, no, no.
00:31:57Sheldon, they just make a half sandwich.
00:31:59You can't make a half sandwich.
00:32:01If it's not half of a whole sandwich,
00:32:03it's just a small sandwich.
00:32:05Okay, fine.
00:32:06It's soup and a small sandwich.
00:32:07Is that what you want?
00:32:08No, of course not.
00:32:09I'll have my usual.
00:32:11God, that feels so good.
00:32:18Yeah, that's the spot.
00:32:19Oh, baby.
00:32:21Howard!
00:32:22Dinner's ready!
00:32:25I'll eat later.
00:32:26I'm busy!
00:32:29Oh, yeah.
00:32:30Just like a real hand.
00:32:39Hmm.
00:32:43Hey, Howard.
00:32:44What's going on?
00:32:46What?
00:32:47Hold on.
00:32:48Howard.
00:32:49I found...
00:32:50The robot hand is stuck on your what?
00:32:56You're not gonna believe this.
00:33:04You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
00:33:09Yes.
00:33:12Penis first.
00:33:17Yes.
00:33:18Help me.
00:33:19I'd suggest a lubricant,
00:33:20but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
00:33:24Not funny, Leonard.
00:33:25Really?
00:33:26A robot hand's got a death grip on your junk, dude.
00:33:28That's funny.
00:33:29Ask anyone.
00:33:31Wait.
00:33:32Before my mother walks in,
00:33:33get this off me.
00:33:34Okay, let's see.
00:33:35No, no.
00:33:36Don't touch.
00:33:37The program is paused.
00:33:38Then what's unpaused?
00:33:39No, no.
00:33:40I loaded the wrong program.
00:33:41The hand thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space.
00:33:42If you continue the program,
00:33:43it's gonna start twisting.
00:33:49Okay.
00:33:50Come on.
00:33:52Almost there.
00:34:00Don't tug!
00:34:01No tugging!
00:34:02Next time, take your own advice.
00:34:05Excuse me.
00:34:06Could you help us out?
00:34:07My, my, my.
00:34:09What do we have here?
00:34:13I slipped and fell.
00:34:14Yeah, we get that a lot.
00:34:16What is this?
00:34:18It's a robot arm.
00:34:21Where's the rest of the robot?
00:34:23I only built the arm.
00:34:25Because that's all you needed, right?
00:34:29Can you please just help me?
00:34:32All right, all right.
00:34:33Hang on.
00:34:34Stay calm.
00:34:37I need an orderly with a wheelchair.
00:34:38I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
00:34:41You think you could be a little more discreet?
00:34:43I'm sorry.
00:34:44We don't have a code
00:34:45for robot hand grasping a man's penis.
00:34:48Why is it hooked up to a computer?
00:34:50It's what controls the arm.
00:34:51But it's frozen.
00:34:52Did you try turning it off and back on again?
00:34:56No, you see, it's more complicated than that.
00:34:58No, wait!
00:35:07Winnie the Pooh is out of the closet.
00:35:09Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree.
00:35:27Greetings, friends.
00:35:30Greetings, whatever the hell you are.
00:35:33I am a mobile virtual presence device.
00:35:36Recent events have demonstrated to me
00:35:39that my body is too fragile
00:35:41to endure the vicissitudes of the world.
00:35:44Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness,
00:35:47I shall remain in a secure location
00:35:50and interact with the world in this manner.
00:35:54Really? That's your question?
00:35:56When did he put a ramp in?
00:36:04You're in my spot.
00:36:07You're in my spot.
00:36:15I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I'm doing.
00:36:18It's very impressive for theoretical work.
00:36:23Do I detect a hint of condescension?
00:36:25I'm sorry, was I being too subtle?
00:36:28I meant compared to the real world applications of neurobiology,
00:36:31theoretical physics is what's the word I'm looking for.
00:36:34Hmm, cute.
00:36:36Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski
00:36:41could ever rise to the significance of a physicist
00:36:44like Clark Maxwell or Dirac?
00:36:47I'm stating it outright.
00:36:48Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast
00:36:50and defecates Clark Maxwell.
00:36:55You take that back.
00:36:59Absolutely not.
00:37:00My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates
00:37:02that subserve global information processing,
00:37:04which is required for all cognitive reasoning,
00:37:06including scientific inquiry,
00:37:08making my research ipso facto prior in the Ordo Cognoscendi.
00:37:12That means it's better than his research
00:37:14and by extension, of course, yours.
00:37:20I'm sorry, I'm still trying to work on defecating Clark Maxwell.
00:37:26Excuse me, but a grand unified theory
00:37:30insofar as it explains everything
00:37:32will ipso facto explain neurobiology.
00:37:35Yes, but if I'm successful,
00:37:37I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes
00:37:39in deriving a grand unified theory
00:37:41and therefore subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.
00:37:44That's the rankest psychologism.
00:37:47It was conclusively revealed as hogwash
00:37:50by Gottlieb Frege in the 1890s.
00:37:54We appear to have reached an impasse.
00:37:56I agree.
00:37:58I move our relationship terminate immediately.
00:38:02Seconded.
00:38:03There being no objections.
00:38:07The motion carries.
00:38:08Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.
00:38:11Good day, Sheldon Cooper.
00:38:17Women, huh?
00:38:19And live with them, can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
00:38:24Amen to that.
00:38:26What is that smell?
00:38:32Yes?
00:38:35What are you doing in there?
00:38:36I'm making hydrogen sulfide and ammonia gas.
00:38:40Just a little experiment in pest control.
00:38:44It's not going to work, dude.
00:38:45I grew up in India,
00:38:46an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street
00:38:48and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
00:38:52We'll just see how long you can hold out.
00:38:54Well, we'll just see how your noxious gas
00:38:56fares against my cinnamon apple scented aromatherapy candles.
00:39:02Didn't you say you're making hydrogen sulfide gas?
00:39:04Yes.
00:39:05Isn't that flammable?
00:39:06Highly.
00:39:08Oh, dear.
00:39:19This is not over.
00:39:24It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon.
00:39:26I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
00:39:31I assure you I am quite real
00:39:33and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
00:39:39What?
00:39:40Oh, yes.
00:39:41We are like wild animals in heat.
00:39:44It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
00:39:48Amy, what is he saying?
00:39:51You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother.
00:39:53Well, here he is.
00:39:56I have to sign off now.
00:39:58My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
00:40:02Oh, yes.
00:40:03It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
00:40:11Thank you, Sheldon. That went very well.
00:40:13Agreed.
00:40:15Amy, I find myself wondering
00:40:17if we should actually engage in coitus
00:40:19at least one time in our relationship.
00:40:21Bazinga.
00:40:25Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
00:40:28Give me a minute.
00:40:32Sheldon.
00:40:33Hold on.
00:40:34I need to figure out how to get the bucket
00:40:36so I can carry the mud past the dragon.
00:40:39Sheldon, you need to work in the morning.
00:40:41I know.
00:40:42Well, then bed, mister.
00:40:43Five more minutes.
00:40:45Really?
00:40:46You're going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of the night?
00:40:49You're going to risk getting sleepy
00:40:51in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuation seminar?
00:40:53You know what happens when you yawn in public?
00:40:59Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.
00:41:04You don't want that, do you?
00:41:07No.
00:41:09But it's a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated.
00:41:15Who was at the door?
00:41:17Building manager.
00:41:19They have to fix a pipe,
00:41:21so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.
00:41:23That's unacceptable.
00:41:25We're supposed to be given written notice.
00:41:27It doesn't matter. We'll be at work.
00:41:29What if I spill tomato soup on my shirt
00:41:31and have to come home to change,
00:41:33only to find there's no water for an enzyme soak?
00:41:35Bye for tainted uvula, Sheldon.
00:41:38I'll have the chicken noodle. Good night.
00:41:44We're going to have to be very quiet.
00:41:48I know how to get the bucket.
00:41:52I can turn the axe around
00:41:54and use the handle to reach it.
00:41:56Let's see.
00:41:59Go north.
00:42:01You are in a forest.
00:42:03Go north.
00:42:05You are in a forest.
00:42:06Go north.
00:42:08You are in a forest.
00:42:09Oh, dear. I believe I'm lost.
00:42:10Well, I'll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.
00:42:12No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:42:14You just need to map it out.
00:42:16I'll help you.
00:42:17So, uh, you stopped at this stream
00:42:19and you turned north three times?
00:42:20Yes.
00:42:21You're right. You're lost. Good luck.
00:42:23Are you going with Sheldon?
00:42:25No.
00:42:26I have no interest in model train stores
00:42:28that sell them,
00:42:29nor their heartbreaking clientele.
00:42:32Oh. Well,
00:42:34I have some work to do, so...
00:42:36I can't imagine that would disturb me.
00:42:38Carry on.
00:42:40Okay.
00:42:42Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home?
00:42:47Not really, no.
00:42:51All righty, then.
00:42:53I guess I'll just get started.
00:42:55Leonard, please. I don't need the running commentary.
00:43:17Amy?
00:43:19Yo.
00:43:21You okay?
00:43:23Oh, sure.
00:43:27I thought you were reading.
00:43:29I was.
00:43:31Now I'm thinking about what I read.
00:43:46You all right, Leonard?
00:43:47You seem very uncomfortable.
00:43:50I'm fine.
00:43:53Should I go?
00:43:54I've been told sometimes I overstay my welcome.
00:43:57Well, who told you that?
00:44:00Well,
00:44:02most recently my gynecologist.
00:44:09Oh, you stay as long as you'd like.
00:44:12I'm glad to hear you say that,
00:44:14because I'm having a wonderful time.
00:44:18I said the same thing to my gynecologist.
00:44:21One moment.
00:44:22I'm conducting an experiment.
00:44:25With Dungeons & Dragons dice?
00:44:28Yes.
00:44:29From here on in,
00:44:31I've decided to make all trivial decisions
00:44:33with a throw of the dice,
00:44:35thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best,
00:44:37enlighten and amaze.
00:44:40Page 14, item 7.
00:44:44So, what's for dinner?
00:44:46A side of corn succotash.
00:44:50Hmm, interesting.
00:44:52Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please?
00:44:55I don't want to show any more of your friends
00:44:57how I can fit in the booster seats.
00:45:00Uh, no, that's not it.
00:45:02Just come with me, please.
00:45:05Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with.
00:45:10A pitcher of margaritas.
00:45:15Do you really want that?
00:45:17That's the great thing. It doesn't matter.
00:45:19My mind is freed up to think about more important things.
00:45:23What's it thinking about now?
00:45:25Hamburgers and lemonade.
00:45:30Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
00:45:36And don't thank me. Thank the dice.
00:45:38They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
00:45:42Why are you still doing this?
00:45:44Because it's working.
00:45:45In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions,
00:45:48I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals,
00:45:52and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider
00:45:55has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
00:45:58You left out got chafed testicles
00:46:00because you no longer wear underpants.
00:46:03The dice giveth, and the dice taketh away.
00:46:06I see you guys have found my little treasure.
00:46:08Yeah. It's okay, I guess.
00:46:11It's okay? It's magnificent.
00:46:16What do you want for it?
00:46:18Well, it's hard to put a price on something
00:46:20that's a copy of something that was on pay cable.
00:46:23For my friends, let's say $250.
00:46:26Oh, that's pretty steep.
00:46:28For my friends, let's say $250.
00:46:30Oh, that's pretty steep.
00:46:32Well, it's a limited edition.
00:46:33They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.
00:46:36It's only 8,000?
00:46:38We're wasting precious time. Buy it.
00:46:41Hang on.
00:46:42Can you do any better?
00:46:44Are you kidding?
00:46:45I'm already giving you the friends and family discount.
00:46:47Oh, did you hear that?
00:46:48We're getting the friends and family discount.
00:46:50We are honored, and we will take it.
00:46:52Slow down.
00:46:54$200.
00:46:55What are you doing?
00:46:56You already discounted price.
00:46:57Will you shut up?
00:46:58I'll tell you what, I'll go $235.
00:47:00No, maybe another time.
00:47:02Okay, $225 is my final offer.
00:47:04Take it, take it.
00:47:07$200.
00:47:08Man, you're killing me.
00:47:10We're killing you. I can't breathe.
00:47:13$210, and I'm losing money.
00:47:15Oh, no, we can't let him lose money, Leonard.
00:47:17I'm so sorry.
00:47:19$210, and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
00:47:21Are you crazy?
00:47:22That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr.
00:47:24So?
00:47:26Okay, if you're gonna question the importance
00:47:28of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet
00:47:30from a movie based on a comic book,
00:47:32then all of our lives have no meaning.
00:47:39Okay, fine, just the sword.
00:47:41$210.
00:47:43I can eat meat this week.
00:47:46See that?
00:47:47I just saved us $40.
00:47:49I've long said what you lack in academic knowledge,
00:47:51you make up for in street smarts.
00:47:53You want me to wrap it?
00:47:54No, it's okay.
00:47:55I'm gonna stab my friend in the chest.
00:47:58What's up?
00:47:59It just occurred to me
00:48:01that I never formally congratulated you
00:48:03on your pending nuptials,
00:48:05so I hopped on the first bus
00:48:07and high-tailed it down here to shake your hand.
00:48:09Put her there, you old so-and-so.
00:48:12Well, I'm gonna see you at work in 12 hours.
00:48:16Don't you think you could have waited until then?
00:48:19Holy smoke, why didn't I think of that?
00:48:22You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz.
00:48:24You put her there, you son of a gun.
00:48:28Whatever.
00:48:35Oh, my God, Chloe!
00:48:37What did you do?
00:48:39It was a harmless Halloween prank, look.
00:48:41Howard has a heart condition, you know that?
00:48:44I thought he made that up.
00:48:46Isn't hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
00:48:53This is adrenaline.
00:48:55We're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
00:48:57We are?
00:48:58You are.
00:48:59I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate,
00:49:01and we've only got one shot.
00:49:03Oh, no, I can't.
00:49:06Hurry, we're running out of time.
00:49:09Okay.
00:49:10Just do it.
00:49:11Oh, God.
00:49:12One, two, three.
00:49:16Trick or treat, bubbla.
00:49:18What?
00:49:20No.
00:49:21You mean this was all a ruse?
00:49:23Oh, how could I be so stupid?
00:49:27Your bird death ray is ready.
00:49:29It's not a death ray.
00:49:31It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off.
00:49:34Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here.
00:49:37I'd be in my lair, enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me
00:49:40for not using my death ray.
00:49:42All right, and in three, two, one.
00:49:47One.
00:49:56That is one tough birdie.
00:50:10This is ridiculous.
00:50:12I'm a grown man from Texas.
00:50:14This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose.
00:50:19It's just a blue jay.
00:50:27That's a pretty big blue jay.
00:50:45Oh, God.
00:50:48One, two, three.
00:50:52Go.
00:50:53Trick or treat, bird bath.
00:50:57Bird in the apartment.
00:50:58Bird in the apartment.
00:51:00No.
00:51:03Pardon me.
00:51:04Excuse me.
00:51:05Pardon me.
00:51:06Excuse me.
00:51:07Hi, Stuart.
00:51:08Hi, Sheldon.
00:51:09Pardon me.
00:51:10Excuse me.
00:51:15Sheldon, what are you doing here?
00:51:17The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater
00:51:20with a character like Stuart is repellent.
00:51:25No offense, Stuart.
00:51:26None taken.
00:51:28Although repellent is kind of a strong word.
00:51:36I'm sorry this causes you discomfort,
00:51:38but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship,
00:51:41I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.
00:51:45Again, Stuart, please, you're being rude.
00:51:50Anything else?
00:51:52I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
00:52:01I'm listening.
00:52:03With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever,
00:52:07physical or otherwise,
00:52:09I would not object to us no longer characterizing you
00:52:14as not my girlfriend.
00:52:24Interesting.
00:52:25Now try it without the quadruple negative.
00:52:29You're being impossible.
00:52:32Hi, Stuart.
00:52:36Fine.
00:52:39Amy,
00:52:42will you be my girlfriend?
00:52:52Yes.
00:52:53That's enough of that.
00:52:56Sorry to interrupt.
00:52:58You two enjoy your date.
00:52:59Here's a dollar for your troubles.
00:53:01Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.
00:53:05We know his life will never be the same.
00:53:07Howard!
00:53:09Can you hear me?
00:53:11I can hear you without the phone.
00:53:15Don't be snippy.
00:53:16I'm just excited to talk to my baby.
00:53:19I'm excited to talk to you, too.
00:53:21So, what's this mischievous about you moving out
00:53:24to go live with the little Polish girl?
00:53:28How about calling her my wife?
00:53:30Wives don't take boys from their mothers.
00:53:33They do. That's why we married them.
00:53:38I just hope I'm not dead from a broken heart
00:53:40before you get back.
00:53:42Ma, please.
00:53:43Everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
00:53:46Good.
00:53:47They should know what a horrible son you are.
00:53:50Okay, Ma.
00:53:51Great talking to you.
00:53:52Gotta go.
00:53:55Well,
00:53:57space is ruined.
00:54:08Hmm.
00:54:12This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
00:54:17Well, I like it.
00:54:18Of course you do. You're a girl.
00:54:20You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
00:54:24Just watch the movie.
00:54:28It's not fair.
00:54:30Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
00:54:34There might be a reason for that.
00:54:36Sweaty?
00:54:38Unhygienic?
00:54:40Looks dumb? Take your pick.
00:54:44Penny said she's not sure
00:54:45she wants to be Leonard's girlfriend anymore.
00:54:51Wrong.
00:54:52She just took a sip from his diet Dr. Pepper.
00:54:56So?
00:54:57So if she wants to end her pair bond with Leonard,
00:54:59why on earth would she guzzle a witch's brew
00:55:01of his soda and spit?
00:55:06It's complicated.
00:55:07String theory is complicated.
00:55:11That's just yucky.
00:55:15Don't get any ideas.
00:55:21All right, for the sake of argument,
00:55:22let's say that's true.
00:55:24Why doesn't Penny just end the relationship?
00:55:26She's not sure how she feels.
00:55:28How can she not be sure how she feels?
00:55:31You know, when I have a feeling, I know it.
00:55:34Trains? Love them.
00:55:37Swordfish? I love them, too.
00:55:40They're fish with a sword for a nose.
00:55:46Regardless, don't say anything to Leonard.
00:55:49Now you're asking me to keep a secret
00:55:51from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
00:55:54Yes, please. Penny will kill me.
00:55:56Fine.
00:55:58FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it.
00:56:00Hate it.
00:56:02Hand-holding? Not a fan.
00:56:06Hammerhead shark? I love that thing.
00:56:10That's another fish with a tool on its head.
00:56:14Raisinette?
00:56:15Shh, we're trying to watch the movie.
00:56:20This is not working out with him.
00:56:22Round one. Here.
00:56:25Got it.
00:56:26Okay.
00:56:27Ready, set, go.
00:56:31Uh, box.
00:56:33Uh, window.
00:56:36Batman.
00:56:40Batman and Robin.
00:56:43Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey.
00:56:47Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman.
00:56:51Uh, gift. Uh, present!
00:56:53Present! Yeah!
00:56:54Oh, Leonard.
00:56:57Now how can you not get that?
00:57:01In what universe is that a present?
00:57:03It's not a present.
00:57:05It's the present.
00:57:07Look, there's you and me.
00:57:09There's Penny and Amy.
00:57:11We're playing Pictionary.
00:57:13In the present.
00:57:20Oh my God, we're gonna kill them.
00:57:24It's a cork glue-on plasma.
00:57:28No.
00:57:29It's asymptotically free partons inside a cork glue-on plasma.
00:57:33Nothing with corks.
00:57:36It's an observational rebuttal of the Lambda CDM model of the universe.
00:57:41No.
00:57:42It's a chocolate chip cookie!
00:57:43Yes!
00:57:48How could you miss that?
00:57:50Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.
00:57:56Penny got it.
00:57:57Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers.
00:58:01You're welcome.
00:58:06It's Stephen Hawking.
00:58:09Answer it. I want to hear.
00:58:13Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.
00:58:16Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.
00:58:20Oh, me too.
00:58:23Or should I say Dr. Loser?
00:58:28Ha ha ha.
00:58:33Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Very impressive, sir.
00:58:39Do you like brain teasers?
00:58:41Oh, I love brain teasers.
00:58:44What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common?
00:58:49They both suck.
00:58:58Neener, neener.
00:59:00I'd like to have a conversation about girls.
00:59:05I had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later.
00:59:09Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
00:59:13Penny, please. I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma.
00:59:17And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.
00:59:28You could have a Long Island iced tea.
00:59:34Would that calm my nerves?
00:59:37It's calmed the pants off me a couple times.
00:59:42Sold.
00:59:45So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?
00:59:49The trouble isn't with me, Penny. It's with your gender.
00:59:52And someday scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.
00:59:59Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It'll warm her twaddle.
01:00:05It's a band-aid at best.
01:00:07The core problem is that Amy and Will do not like each other.
01:00:10Which is baffling, because they're both crazy about me.
01:00:16Hank, you can't make people like each other.
01:00:19Not true. Leonard made me like you.
01:00:22Let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe.
01:00:26Cheers, pal.
01:00:30Ooh.
01:00:32Boy, that is a treat that's hard to beat.
01:00:36Get the Mad Hatter on the horn. I'm having a tea party.
01:00:45You might want to pace yourself.
01:00:48I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I'm doing.
01:00:52Far be it for me to criticize a man with a full pubis.
01:00:58Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Will Wheaton, okay?
01:01:00Your problem is the way you treated Amy.
01:01:02Problem is I'm out of tea.
01:01:06Come on. Someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it?
01:01:09I thought you Texas guys stood up for your woman folk.
01:01:12Penny, please.
01:01:14Think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.
01:01:17Sorry.
01:01:18On the other hand, that low-down Polk had done wrong my woman.
01:01:23Welcome to Long Island, Tex.
01:01:27Amy deserves better.
01:01:29You know, when we buy the Planters Deluxe Mix,
01:01:31she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them.
01:01:36She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel.
01:01:40Yep, that she is. Here you go.
01:01:42I'm a callous egomaniac.
01:01:44She's gonna leave me.
01:01:46No, she won't.
01:01:47No, she won't. I'm great.
01:01:49No, she won't.
01:01:50No, she won't. I'm great.