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00:00Oh dear God. Leonard! Leonard I'm sick!
00:30Leonard? Leonard? Leonard? Leonard my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend
00:45over. Leonard? Ow. Hey, Leonard where are you? I'm at work. At 630 in the morning? Yes.
01:14On Sunday? Yes. Why? They asked me to come in. I didn't hear the phone ring. They texted me.
01:24Well as I predicted I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 a.m. and I am
01:34producing sputum at an alarming rate. No kidding. Nope. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to
01:44milky green. Howard, it's the phone! I know it's the phone, Ma. I hear the phone! Well who's calling
01:59at this ungodly hour? I don't know. Well ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour. How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?
02:10Hello? Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green. Dear lord not milky green. Here's the problem with
02:26teleportation. Lay it on me. Assuming a device could be invented which would identify the quantum
02:36state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location
02:41for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have
02:45destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another. How about that? Personally I would
02:54never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order
02:58to create a new Sheldon. Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? No,
03:06he would be exactly the same. That is a problem. So you see it too. What'd you get the birthday boy?
03:13Well Raj got him an awesome limited-edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's
03:17definitive Batman and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on
03:21physics. Nice! I got him a sweater. Okay well he might like that. I've seen him get chilly.
03:29Sheldon I didn't see your present. That's because I didn't bring one. Why not? Don't ask. The entire
03:36institution of gift-giving makes no sense. Too late. Let's say that I go out and I spend $50
03:42on you. It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need whereas you know what
03:46you need. Now I could simplify things just give you the $50 directly and then you could give me
03:51$50 on my birthday and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and $50 richer.
03:57Can I ask you is it worth it? Told you not to ask. Well Sheldon you're his friend. Friends give each
04:07other presents. I accept your premise. I reject your conclusion. Try telling him it's a non-optional
04:16social convention. What? Just do it. It's a non-optional social convention. Oh fair enough.
04:27He came with a manual. What the hell was that? Any other questions? Dr. Sheldon Cooper here. I am
04:41the lead author of this particular paper. Thank you. You sir you have completely skipped over the
04:52part where I was walking through the park and I saw these children on a merry-go-round which
04:56started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gases like helium at temperatures approaching
05:01absolute zero. I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote. It's not science. Oh oh I see it was
05:06the apple falling on Newton's head. Was that just an anecdote? You are not Isaac Newton. No no that's
05:11true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. You cannot possibly be that
05:16arrogant. You continue to underestimate me my good man. Look if you weren't happy with my presentation
05:21then maybe you should have given it with me. As I've explained repeatedly unlike you I don't need
05:26validation from lesser minds. No offense. So why did you come? Because I knew you'd screw this up.
05:31Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11 like you. Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16
05:38but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
05:43No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in
05:50need of constant validation. So you admit you're an egotist? Yes. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter
05:57and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you
06:01but he's worse. Okay that is it. Stop it.
06:07You cannot blow up my head with your mind. Then I'll settle for an aneurysm. Stop it. You hit me.
06:14You saw that he hit me. You were trying to blow up my head. So it was working. It wasn't. It was not.
06:19You are a nutcase. I'll see about that. Heads up you people in the front row this is a splash zone.
06:24Stop it. Quit it.
06:33Is this usually how these physics things go? More often than you think.
06:41So Dennis how long have you been in America? A year and a half. No kidding. You speak English
06:45really well. So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
06:52What are you talking about?
06:55That. He's not wrong. All right and this is my office. Is this part of the tour? Nope. Goodbye.
07:06Come on Sheldon we've hardly shown him anything. All right this is my desk. These are my books.
07:12This is my door. Please close it behind you. Goodbye.
07:17Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections. Keen observation.
07:21Goodbye. You see where you went wrong don't you? Leonard. Yeah. Get him out. Come on Dennis I'll
07:32show you the rec center. They've got Nautilus equipment. Do I look like I lift weights?
07:37Not heavy ones. It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz invariant or field theory
07:43approach. You think I haven't considered it? You really think I haven't considered it?
07:49Have you considered it? Get him out Leonard. Come on Dennis I'll show you the radiation lab.
07:57Wow you won the Stevenson award? Yes in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it.
08:04Really? How old? 14 and a half. You were the youngest person ever to win it.
08:13It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror isn't it?
08:17Um Penny that's where I sit. Sit next to me.
08:26No I sit there. What's the difference? What's the difference? Here we go.
08:33In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm and yet not so close as
08:37to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by opening
08:41windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct thus discouraging
08:46conversation nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on but I think
08:52I've made my point. Do you want me to move? Well just sit somewhere else.
09:02Fine.
09:11I'm not happy.
09:21Sheldon sit.
09:24Ah this is Lalita Gupta. Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny.
09:30Isn't it great? She isn't fat anymore. Forgive me your highness for I am but a monkey and it
09:36is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
09:43I'm sorry? You are the living embodiment of the beautiful princess Panchali.
09:48Oh no kidding. Who is that? A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.
09:54Oh us Indian or come to our casino Indian?
09:58You Indian. Oh. The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven
10:04into your ebony hair. Oh well thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too. I shower twice a day
10:11and wash my hands as often as I can. Really? So do I. But you're a dentist he's nuts.
10:19Don't be insulting Rajesh. So Sheldon tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
10:24It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars and that roses were ashamed to bloom
10:31in the presence of her ruby lips. Oh my. Back off Sheldon. What? If you do not stop hitting on my
10:37lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath. I'm not hitting on her.
10:44And I am not your lady. Well and you have no wrath.
10:49You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes 100% hooked up.
10:54Okay let's get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off
10:58my case. I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from you. That's exactly
11:03the kind of spirit with which princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom.
11:06Oh screw princess Panchali. Hey you can't talk to me like that.
11:09But you're not princess Panchali. Luckily for you she could have you beheaded.
11:14Sheldon are you hungry? I could eat. Let's go.
11:25Someone touched my board.
11:30Oh god my board.
11:34Leonard.
11:35Leonard. Hey what's the matter? My equations. Someone's tampered with my equations. Are you
11:41sure? Of course I'm sure. Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics. The sign's
11:45been changed. Oh yeah but doesn't that fix the problem you've been having? Are you insane? Are
11:53you out of your mind? Are you? Hey look that fixes the problem I've been having.
11:59You're welcome.
12:00You did this? Yeah I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water so I fixed it and now
12:05you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool huh?
12:11Cool? Listen I gotta get to the lab. Thanks for a great night.
12:18Thank you. I'll see you at work. You did? Hold on. Hold on.
12:23What? Who told you you could touch my board? No one. Yeah I don't come into
12:27your house and touch your board. There are no incorrect equations on my board.
12:34Oh that is so so.
12:40I'm sorry I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective text me.
12:43Inconsiderate. That is the adjective. In 1935 Erwin Schrödinger in an attempt to explain the
12:49Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in
12:55a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now since no one knows when
13:00or how the cat will break open, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with
13:06a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now since no one knows when or how
13:11since no one knows when or if the poison has been released,
13:15until the box is opened the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
13:25I'm sorry I don't get the point. Well of course you don't get it. I haven't made it yet.
13:31You have to be psychic to get it and there's no such thing as psychic.
13:36Just like Schrödinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be
13:40thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is.
13:47Okay so you're saying I should go out with Leonard. No, no, no, no, no.
13:53Let me start again. In 1935 Erwin Schrödinger. Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake. I can see
14:00that. Unless you're planning on running a marathon choosing both stuffing and mashed
14:03potatoes is a starch filled redundancy. No it's about Penny. The mistake involving Penny.
14:11Okay you'll have to narrow it down. I don't think I can go out with her tonight. Then don't.
14:19Other people would say why not. Other people might be interested.
14:24I'm gonna talk anyway. I assumed you would.
14:28Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny I'm not excited. I'm
14:32nauseous. Ah then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of
14:37vomit available for violent expulsion. Sheldon this date is probably my one chance with Penny.
14:43What happens if I blow it? Well if we accept your premise and also accept the highly improbable
14:49assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude
14:54that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely bitter old man with no progeny.
14:59The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
15:04Tell me whether or not to go through with the date. Schrodinger's cat. Wow that's brilliant.
15:12You sound surprised. Stripper grin.
15:20Tag you're it. Shouldn't you put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?
15:30I've never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
15:37Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench. I don't see any way to get a park bench in here.
15:45Do you want to switch? No that's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
15:54Get out of bed we're switching. Now only if you want to. Just get in the bed.
15:58What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
16:04Just talking Ma. If you don't settle down right now I'm not gonna let you have any more sleepovers.
16:14God's sake Ma I'm 27 years old. It's not even a school night.
16:20Comfy now?
16:28A poster of Halle Berry's a little unnerving.
16:32So don't look at it. She's like my fourth favorite cat woman.
16:36No kidding. Yeah Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, and then her.
16:41What about Lee Merriweather? Oh I forgot about Lee Merriweather.
16:44I'm glad that's settled. That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite cat woman.
16:50It's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Merriweather.
16:53Please I'm begging you go to sleep. I'm trying. I'm counting cat women.
17:04She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though. Oh for God's sake.
17:07She's not my favorite of the X-Men at all.
17:09She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though. Oh for God's sake.
17:13She's not my favorite of the X-Men at all. In order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops,
17:16oh wait I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops,
17:20Iceman, then Storm, Angel, The Beat, oh wait Nightcrawler.
17:24Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm.
17:29I'm coming. Hey. There he is. There my old buddy-butt-bud.
17:40Well I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist or a human being for that matter.
17:45We have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general
17:50sluttiness. Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
17:58Some what? Oh yes, some sexual intercourse. I'll take the bullet.
18:07Excuse me, this whole idea is insane. Enough debate. I'm going to take action.
18:12Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
18:19No. Would you like to be?
18:21Sure, why not? Sheldon, can I have your phone number?
18:32Uh, yeah. Yeah.
18:45There, problem solved.
18:51Dumbass.
18:54Do you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
18:57Yes. Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
18:59Yes. Brown rice, not white?
19:01Yes. Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get
19:02the good hot mustard? Yes.
19:03Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
19:05Yes. Thank you.
19:07You're welcome. What took you so long?
19:13Just sit down and eat. Fine.
19:14Fine. Alright, it's shredded. What do you want me to do?
19:21Turn on the ignition and shift into drive. I haven't fastened my seatbelt yet.
19:28Okay, fasten your seatbelt.
19:37Click. No, are there airbags?
19:41You don't need airbags. What does a simulated van rear
19:44end mean? I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
19:56Okay, now shift into drive and pull out slowly into traffic.
20:01Oh! Watch out for the gas rear end!
20:03Wait! Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
20:15Hit the brakes! Thank you.
20:27Sorry. Excuse me.
20:31My bad.
20:35It's a dead room driver!
20:38I think you managed to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria.
20:42I don't know. I was on the Pasadena Freeway,
20:45I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
20:52Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow?
20:54No. I quit.
21:04Oh, the pet store.
21:06The pet store.
21:09Remind me to compliment Wallowitz on the software. That's amazingly detailed.
21:15Penny. Penny. Penny.
21:27Sheldon?
21:31I have an inflamed larynx.
21:37Okay.
21:41We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
21:49Okay, let me check.
21:55Some hiney would be nice too.
22:00Hiney?
22:04Honey.
22:06Honey?
22:08Trailing badly. Wallowitz needs a strike. If he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper,
22:13who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career best 68.
22:29That doesn't count! Do-over! Do-over!
22:31There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.
22:34There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
22:39Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?
22:41Actually, I was-
22:42It's a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.
22:46Come on, it's just a video game. And we suck at it.
22:51Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
22:54Attaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go.
23:04Me, me, let it be me.
23:09Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation,
23:13and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer.
23:17You are safe.
23:20Can I whistle?
23:21Don't be silly.
23:23Howard, you do not have a PhD.
23:26Your cologne is an assault on the senses,
23:29and you're not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.
23:34Guilty as charged. I'm out.
23:36No, you two are safe.
23:40Come on, what do I have to do?
23:43Okay, you know what? I see where this is going.
23:45I'm not one of you guys. I'm not a scientist, so just tell me what-
23:48Penny, Penny, Penny, everything you're saying is true, but please allow me to continue.
23:52Raj, you're out.
23:59It's a good question.
24:01While you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group,
24:05your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing.
24:08How could you for a moment think that my favorite amino acid is glutamine?
24:14He had lysine, but changed it.
24:16Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Raj.
24:23This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop.
24:27No one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
24:32You afraid of heights, Cooper?
24:34Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical.
24:37Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
24:41What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve
24:45to cement our newfound friendship?
24:47Come on, they have birthday parties here.
24:49Where do kids climb this?
24:52Little kid hominids, perhaps.
24:58So, is this your entire job?
25:03Parents must be so proud.
25:06Let's go, Cooper.
25:07Coming, Kripke.
25:09Okay, harness seems to be secure.
25:13A small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that's to be expected.
25:19Hey, this isn't so bad.
25:24A bit like vertical swimming.
25:28Hey, look at you, Cooper.
25:29You're almost halfway to the top.
25:30I am?
25:34I was wrong.
25:36It is a fear of heights.
25:38You all right there, Cooper?
25:39Not really.
25:40I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that's approached an asymptote.
25:44Are you saying you're stuck?
25:46What part of inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?
25:50I understood all of it.
25:50I'm not a moan.
25:52Just keep going.
25:54Yeah, I don't think I can.
25:56Well, climb back down.
25:59That doesn't seem any more likely.
26:02So, what's your plan, Cooper?
26:03Well, it's not exactly a plan, but I think I'm going to pass out.
26:14Stew the Cockatoo is new at the zoo.
26:19Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana,
26:23with her husband and best friend, Mark, and their cockatoo, Stew.
26:29Probably makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree?
26:33I don't like birds.
26:34They scare me.
26:36Me too.
26:39Most people don't see it.
26:44What are you reading?
26:45Curious George.
26:46Oh, I do like monkeys.
26:48Curious George is a monkey.
26:50Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes.
26:55Say, maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
26:59Would you like that?
27:01Okay.
27:02Sheldon, what are you doing?
27:04I'm making friends with this little girl.
27:06What's your name?
27:07Rebecca.
27:08Hi, Rebecca.
27:09I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
27:11Diana, let's go.
27:13We're really hitting it off.
27:15Don't look up those cameras.
27:16So, what do you think?
27:21I'm very tempted.
27:23I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
27:28Normally, I'd feel the same way.
27:29But based on everything I've observed about us,
27:32I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
27:36True.
27:37I've had a similar observation.
27:40Certainly something I could never do with my husband.
27:45I was hesitant the first time I tried it,
27:47but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins.
27:55It's quite satisfying.
27:58I see what you're doing.
28:00You're appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
28:05You see right through me, don't you?
28:09Only when you're in a cat scanner.
28:11Oh, I'm a knight!
28:17Oh, I'm a knight!
28:18I'm a knight!
28:19I'm a knight!
28:20Oh, I'm a knight!
28:21Oh, I'm a knight!
28:23Hold tight!
28:25Hold tight!
28:25Hold tight!
28:26Hold tight!
28:28Baby, hold tight.
28:30For any way you want it, that's the way you need it.
28:33Any way you want it.
28:35Here you go.
28:36Fresh from the cleaners.
28:37Good as new.
28:38Really great.
28:38Sheldon, look.
28:39Good as new.
28:40From that key maker, I highly doubt it.
28:44Come on, Sheldon.
28:45Just give it a try.
28:48All right.
28:53There.
28:53Nice and comfy cozy.
28:55Zero, zero, zero.
28:57There's one more zero.
29:00You forgot the time parameter.
29:02Sit on the damn couch.
29:10Nope.
29:31What do you mean, nope?
29:32What's wrong with it?
29:33Nothing.
29:34It's what's wrong with him.
29:36It's exactly the same.
29:38Penny, Penny.
29:39I think I know what to do.
29:42Sheldon, I have some bad news.
29:44More?
29:46I'm afraid so.
29:47You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
29:50Yes, from Szechuan Palace.
29:53Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
29:58What?
30:00Where did my cashew chicken come from?
30:02Golden Dragon.
30:09No.
30:13Oh, this isn't right.
30:15Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
30:18Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers.
30:24I keep them in the trunk of my car.
30:28But...
30:30Oh, this changes everything.
30:34I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
30:37What's real?
30:38What isn't?
30:39How can I know?
30:42You did make that up, right?
30:43Oh, God, I wish I had.
30:48Leonard?
30:48Yeah, buddy?
30:49I still don't like this cushion.
30:52Okay, I got a box, but there's no key in here.
30:54Just letters.
30:55That's the wrong box.
30:56Put it back.
30:57Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
31:00Don't read those letters.
31:01Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie.
31:03That is so cute.
31:05Put down the letters!
31:09Hey, Penny, it's Leonard.
31:12Hey, Leonard, how's the train ride?
31:13Delightful.
31:16Listen, I don't know what you're doing right now,
31:17but there are little bubbles forming in the corner of Sheldon's mouth.
31:20Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line.
31:23Put him back on.
31:26I'm back.
31:27What up, Moon Pie?
31:30No one calls me Moon Pie, but Meemaw.
31:34Hey, Penny, Leonard again.
31:38Okay, I found the box.
31:40Now what?
31:40You're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes 10 precise moves to open.
31:47First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern
31:49and slide the center portion one millimeter to the left.
31:53Then, on the opposite end of the box,
31:56slide the entire panel down two millimeters.
31:59You'll hear a slight click.
32:01Hang on, Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
32:05No, it's a novelty I ordered off the internet.
32:07Did you hear the click?
32:08Not yet.
32:13There it is.
32:18Very well.
32:20But if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics,
32:22you're going to have to answer to my mother.
32:37Where's the coffee?
32:39You're all out.
32:43No problem.
32:45I'll be back before this banana hits the ground.
32:54First, at all times, I'm to be treated as a colleague and an equal.
32:58Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials.
33:01And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
33:07I'm impressed, Raj.
33:08Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
33:11I reject them all.
33:14Then you leave me no choice.
33:16I accept the job.
33:19I'm sorry.
33:20I believe you've misunderstood.
33:22I'm not giving you the job.
33:24I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it.
33:29Have a seat.
33:30We'll get started with the interview.
33:32You're kidding.
33:34Please.
33:37All right.
33:41So.
33:45That's what you wear to an interview?
33:49Come on, dude.
33:49We've been friends for years.
33:50Oh, pulling strings, are we?
33:54Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
33:58Bazinga.
33:59You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes.
34:05I'm your boss now.
34:06You may want to laugh at that.
34:09You're watching football?
34:11There's no fooling you.
34:14Now, what is this SACS statistic they put up there?
34:18All I know about SACS is my mother shops there.
34:24SACS.
34:26SACS.
34:27SACS.
34:28It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
34:33Huh.
34:36Scrimmage.
34:39The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line
34:42separating the offense from the defense.
34:45Oh.
34:48Sheldon knows football?
34:50Apparently.
34:51I mean, Quidditch, sure, but football?
34:57Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
34:59I grew up in Texas.
35:00Football is ubiquitous in Texas.
35:03Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football.
35:06In fact, every form of football except the original, European football,
35:11which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
35:16Unbelievable.
35:17If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
35:22So, you could teach me?
35:25Football or chicken fried meats?
35:29Football.
35:30I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends
35:32and I don't want to look like an idiot.
35:33I want to blend in.
35:34You want to blend in with Penny's friends?
35:36I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
35:40Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football.
35:42It'll be fun.
35:43That's exactly what my father said.
35:46Come to the games, watch the games.
35:47It'll be fun.
35:49Come to the games, watch the games.
35:51Week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college.
35:55Longest seven years of my life.
35:59Please, I'm asking you as a friend.
36:03Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
36:08Yes.
36:10Fine.
36:11I really appreciate this.
36:13Yeah, yeah.
36:13All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
36:18I'm sorry?
36:19That's how my father always began our football conversations.
36:23And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside
36:26and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
36:37I have a few questions.
36:38First, I noticed that you offer soup and the half sandwich.
36:41Yes.
36:42Where exactly does the half sandwich come from?
36:45Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich?
36:48Or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?
36:51No, no, Sheldon.
36:52They just make a half sandwich.
36:53You can't make a half sandwich.
36:55If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.
36:59Okay, fine.
37:00It's soup and a small sandwich.
37:02Is that what you want?
37:03No, of course not.
37:03I'll have my usual.
37:05You combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap,
37:08creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
37:16Oh.
37:18Oh.
37:24For me, vengeance.
37:25Yes, exactly.
37:27This is brilliant, Sheldon.
37:28How are we going to deploy it in Kripke's office?
37:30Already taken care of.
37:32Observe.
37:35This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install,
37:40thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
37:44At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals
37:48above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
37:51Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
37:56You flatter me, sir.
37:59Let me guess, motion sensors?
38:01Yes.
38:01The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
38:05Mwa ha ha.
38:10I gotta say, I am really impressed.
38:12This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
38:21It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
38:27Here comes Kripke.
38:29Who is that with him?
38:30I believe that's the president of the university.
38:33And the board of directors.
38:34Abort! Abort!
38:35There is no abort.
38:36Well, how could you not put in an abort?
38:38I made a boo-boo, all right?
38:39I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber.
38:44Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
38:53Wow, looks like the Ganges on Laundry Day.
38:59At least they don't know it was you.
39:02Hello, Kripke.
39:03This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.
39:12If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face,
39:15this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.
39:19Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali
39:24for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
39:30When I'm going back to India, what's your plan?
39:32Please, Sheldon, I'm a lost Indian boy far from home,
39:36and I want a girlfriend, and I want her to be Abby,
39:39and she'd only come over if she can bring Martha.
39:41Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make,
39:44threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea,
39:47invocation, supplication, or...
39:51vetomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
40:02My incredible hulk hands, signed by Stan Lee.
40:07Oh, my.
40:10My incredible hulk hands, signed by Stan Lee.
40:16Oh, my.
40:35I've admired these for years.
40:38Does that mean we can go out with the girls again?
40:41Hulk agreed to second date with beauty humans!
40:48You can't wear the hands on the date.
40:53Hulk sad.
40:55Boy, it seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat,
40:59you know, just the guys.
41:00Oh, God, yes, we get it.
41:02You have a girlfriend now.
41:05A little jealous, are we?
41:06No, I'm not jealous.
41:11All right, I'd kill a hobo if he'd get me laid.
41:13Now, can we order?
41:15Oh, dear Lord, they redid the menu.
41:19So what? It's the same food.
41:20Oh, is it? Look at this.
41:22General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under specialties.
41:25It's now under chicken.
41:28Tso?
41:29Yes, General Tso.
41:32Not Tso the chicken, Tso the question.
41:36Tso?
41:38Tso. Why is it no longer a specialty?
41:41Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself?
41:45And look over here.
41:46Shrimp in mobster sauce.
41:50What is mobster sauce?
41:52It's obviously a typo.
41:54Perhaps.
41:55Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organized crime.
41:59After all, we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
42:04No, no, no, no.
42:05I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
42:08It doesn't mean any of that.
42:10It's a typo.
42:11You know what? Let's just get a pizza.
42:12Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
42:16Sure, no mobsters there.
42:18Backdoor has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm, child's play.
42:24You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
42:29No, I don't think so.
42:30We need to go home now.
42:33But I'm still working.
42:35If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
42:39You can try, but you'll never catch me.
42:46For God's sakes!
42:53Sheldon, come here!
42:55Bazinga.
42:59Bazinga.
43:02Bazinga.
43:03Bazinga.
43:05Bazinga.
43:08Bazinga.
43:13Sheldon, come here!
43:16Bazinga.
43:25Bazinga.
43:30Bazinga.
43:33Bazinga.
43:38Bazinga.
43:43Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
43:48Sheldon says impossible.
43:50Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation,
43:53way cooler than a Batmobile.
43:56You are ignoring the square cube law.
43:58The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton.
44:01And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation
44:05is jetpack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
44:11Seriously?
44:12You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
44:19What's with him?
44:20Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
44:25Are you saying he's man-strating?
44:28Not literally.
44:31As far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
44:37Interesting.
44:39That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
44:44You know what I'm talking about.
44:48I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
44:54The Wesley Crushers?
44:55No, not the Wesley Crushers.
44:57Not the Wesley Crushers.
44:58The Wesley Crushers.
45:01I don't get it.
45:02Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek.
45:05Still don't get it.
45:07It's a blindingly clever play on words.
45:09By appropriating his character's name and adding the S,
45:12we imply that we'll be the Crushers of Wesley.
45:18Okay, I'm sorry, Henry, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
45:22But no, again, it's not the Wesley Crushers.
45:24It's the Wesley Crushers.
45:27No, if you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
45:33But do you people even hear yourselves?
45:36It's not the Wesley Crushers.
45:37It's not the Wesley Crushers.
45:39It's the Wesley Crushers.
45:41Hey, look, they named their team after me.
45:45No, it's not.
45:47Never mind.
45:49Canceled my visa.
45:52Oh, yay, a new MasterCard.
45:55Uh-oh.
45:57What?
45:58I was going to get my mail.
46:00Okay.
46:04Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
46:07I think you mean telekinetically.
46:11And no.
46:12I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
46:17God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
46:20Well, we could if it were true.
46:22But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
46:25Variable which has changed is the coitus.
46:29Okay, here's the protocol.
46:31You and I are still friends and you stop saying coitus.
46:35Good.
46:36I'm glad we're still friends.
46:38Really?
46:39Oh, yes.
46:40It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
46:42I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
46:46Great.
46:47Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
46:53Everyone.
46:54Just say hello to your mother for me.
46:56Okay.
47:02What?
47:04You said you were going for a walk.
47:07I didn't say outside.
47:11So what, you're just going to walk up and down the stairs?
47:14No, of course not.
47:16That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
47:20Here, Ruffles.
47:21Here, boy.
47:23Which way are you going?
47:24Which way are you going?
47:26I parked my scooter down the block.
47:27I'm going the other way.
47:28Bye.
47:31Bye.
47:33Actually, I'm this way.
47:37Do I smell hot dogs?
47:38No.
47:39I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
47:41Well, you definitely smell raw hot dog.
47:45Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
47:48All right.
47:48Have a nice walk.
47:50Bye, Shall.
47:51Have a nice scoot.
47:52Bye.
47:55You might want to stand back.
47:56I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
48:10Oh, hello, doggie.
48:12Nice doggie.
48:15I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
48:20Look, a cat.
48:23Oh.
48:27Penny.
48:29Penny.
48:36Penny.
48:39Here.
48:42I had to trade the others for my life.
48:45And I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
48:48The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
48:51Yes.
48:52And until you acquire a surgical mask,
48:54please address your comments to me through a napkin.
48:57We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest
49:00in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe.
49:04And now she's under consideration for a position at our university.
49:08Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton?
49:10I am a huge fan of hers.
49:13I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of.
49:16But very well.
49:17You enjoy Canadian bacon?
49:19I've been to Toronto.
49:20OK, fine.
49:21Where is she going to sleep?
49:22My room, of course.
49:24Holy crap.
49:28Holy crap.
49:31I have a two-part question.
49:33Go ahead.
49:33A, are you kidding me?
49:35And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
49:40A, I rarely kid.
49:41And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
49:45Bazinga.
49:47So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
49:51Yes.
49:53Bazinga.
49:58Yes?
49:59Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
50:00I called you about the apartment.
50:01You said to come by.
50:02I know what I said.
50:03I know what you said.
50:04I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
50:08What is the sixth noble gas?
50:11What?
50:11You said you're a scientist.
50:13What is the sixth noble gas?
50:15Radon?
50:17Are you asking me or telling me?
50:21Telling you.
50:25Telling you.
50:26All right.
50:27Next question.
50:28Kirk or Picard?
50:30Oh, uh, well, that's tricky.
50:32Um, original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
50:39Correct.
50:41You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
50:44You may enter.
50:46Oh, this is pretty nice.
50:56Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
50:58That depends.
50:59I don't understand.
50:59Their existence is conditional?
51:02No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and
51:07third barriers.
51:09There's three?
51:10Each more daunting than the last.
51:13Have a seat.
51:14Okay.
51:16No, that's where I sit.
51:20Explain the couch.
51:21Uh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out and they sold it to me for $100.
51:25Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
51:26But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
51:30They're lawn chairs.
51:33And there was no place for company.
51:35Did it occur to you that was by design?
51:38According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the
51:42common areas.
51:44But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
51:48I did notify you.
51:50Oh, you did, did you?
52:07Drat.
52:08Hoisted by my own spam filter.
52:14What am I doing in your spam folder?
52:15I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled,
52:19This is Funny.
52:20When I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
52:24The standard I told you so?
52:26With a classic neener neener?
52:27Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
52:33You don't know we're wrong yet.
52:34Haughty derision it is.
52:35Haughty derision it is.
52:37Excuse me?
52:38I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
52:41Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
52:43I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed
52:48to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
52:50Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
52:54If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
52:58If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
53:02In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once
53:05a year.
53:07Interesting.
53:08My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
53:12I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that
53:15takes attendance.
53:18And then you might want to avoid East Texas.
53:21Noted.
53:22Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up
53:26to and including coitus are off the table.
53:32May I buy you a beverage?
53:35Tepid water, please.
53:46Good God, what have we done?