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00:00Hey the cashier
00:03Sheldon Cooper
00:07Good morning your honor
00:08Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se that is to say representing himself. I know what it means. I went to law school
00:17And yet you wound up in traffic court
00:21Anyway, if it would please the court
00:23I'd like to begin with an opening statement
00:25The court would advise you to make it quick as the court had a dicey looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an imodium
00:33Very well quick opening statement
00:36Like a milking stool my case rests on three legs
00:41I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic
00:49I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quotas necessarium s
00:54Lakitam that which is necessary is legal. But first I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue
01:00I am unable to confront my accuser a non-human entity to wit a camera
01:06So to sum up improper instruction quotas necessarium s Lakitam Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete
01:14Impressive, thank you guilty
01:19I object you're completely ignoring the law. No, I'm following the law. I'm ignoring you
01:26Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession while you preside over the kiddie table of yours
01:34Dr. Cooper before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail
01:37I'm gonna give you a chance to apologize for that last remark. I'm a scientist. I never apologized for the truth
01:49That's my spot
02:06Excuse me, excuse me jailer what I need to use the restroom knock yourself out
02:18That's the toilet well, it ain't a wishing well
02:24Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize
02:29Raiders of the Lost Ark with 21 additional seconds
02:34If I can't see it no one else can see it
02:38Crazy no crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended
02:43You are overtired. You're not thinking right put the movie back before we get into trouble
02:48Trouble is my middle name Leonard. Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer trouble
02:54Look who they let in but don't worry Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving dad
03:03I feel just like Mother Teresa except for the virgin part that ship sailed a long time ago
03:10I
03:12Think mother Teresa want to wash the clothes first
03:16Yeah, well I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs
03:20You know giving really is better than receiving I used to think it was such a cliche but seems to be that
03:27Look at these cute jeans. Someone just threw away
03:32Donated
03:36Yes to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut
03:40Oh
03:41Come on, it would be so cute on me and they go great with this sweater. I don't think mother Teresa. Oh, that is adorable
03:52It won't feel good about this then sit in the car and keep it running you were right a whole new load
04:02Come on yoga top mama needs a new yoga top check it out Bernadette suede boots your size
04:09God, they're cute. Oh, why did they have to be cute?
04:14Wait, wait, wait guys. Yeah, just hang on. What is it the fuzz?
04:21Look at us. What are we doing? I was gleefully following you to a life of crime looking forward to the day. We might be cellmates
04:34I know about Bernadette
04:37I know this is wrong. Let's put everything back
04:40I
04:42It's okay, I serve soup to poor people!
05:05Hello?
05:06I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
05:10Howard Wolowitz?
05:11I have the right address, don't I?
05:16Address?
05:18Is he here?
05:19Um, no.
05:20Do you know where I can find him?
05:26May I ask what this is about?
05:27No, you may not.
05:28Very well.
05:29Have him call me.
05:30Okay.
05:31Raj, who's at the door?
05:32That's not him.
05:46Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate
05:52women.
05:53I always hook up with one of them.
06:03Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
06:06Okay, we cannot leave this to chance.
06:09Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
06:12Okay.
06:13How about that one?
06:15Uh-uh.
06:16I know the type.
06:17Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks, won't even look at anybody in the
06:20gifted program.
06:21And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to
06:24be a set-up and you're in the back seat of your mom's car with your pants off while the
06:26whole football team laughs at you.
06:29Are you crying?
06:32No.
06:33I have allergies.
06:34Okay.
06:35Oh, hey.
06:36How about her?
06:37Sure.
06:38Who wants to spend a couple years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a
06:44stupor with non-fat white Russians?
06:46You're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you
06:49she wishes more guys were like you.
06:51And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to
06:54visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
06:58Okay.
06:59So not her either.
07:02Could I have everyone's attention, please?
07:06What a wonderful occasion this is.
07:10And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day.
07:14We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
07:19I'm Dennis Kim.
07:22Mr. Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University, he is also the youngest
07:28recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
07:31Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.
07:34And now without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr. Dennis Kim.
07:42Dennis?
07:44Dennis?
07:46What?
07:48Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
07:52No, thanks.
07:53I'm going to the mall with Emma.
08:00The kid got a girl.
08:03Unbelievable.
08:05Did anyone see how he did it?
08:08Unbelievable.
08:10Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching
08:14a model rocket in the park.
08:17I think the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the police woman
08:20you have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants.
08:24Hey, look at that.
08:27It's Dennis Kim.
08:29Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
08:32You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
08:39Yeah, we really ruined his life.
08:42Screw him, he was weak.
08:47Who are you here to see?
08:52I'm just going to tell you the truth.
08:54Oh, you are killing me.
08:56We don't have an appointment.
08:58We're just fans of Mr. Lucas' work and we thought we'd take a shot and see if we could
09:02get in and look around.
09:04Sorry guys, we get this a lot.
09:06Can't let you in.
09:07What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda?
09:11A recording session I must attend.
09:16I'm sorry, don't listen to him.
09:19We're actually physicists.
09:20We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today.
09:22We just had some time to kill.
09:24Hey listen, you seem like decent guys.
09:26I can't let you in.
09:27I got some hats and t-shirts I can give you.
09:30Thank you so much.
09:32See?
09:33Maybe honesty is the best bet.
09:35What are you doing?
09:36Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
09:40Don't move.
09:42Code AA-23.
09:43AA-23.
09:44Copy.
09:46I can see the ranch, Leonard.
09:48Oh, it's rustic.
09:49It's lovely.
09:50I'd take a picture, but people are chasing me.
09:55I'm gonna make it.
09:56I'm gonna make it.
09:57They have tasers.
09:58They wouldn't dare use them.
10:00Ahhhh!
10:16Sheldon!
10:17Shhh!
10:18Penny's sleeping.
10:19Are you insane?
10:20You can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
10:29I had no choice.
10:30I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room.
10:33And just outside our living room was that hallway.
10:35And immediately adjacent to that hallway was...
10:37This.
10:38Do you realize that if Penny wakes up, there is no way she's gonna wake up?
10:45There is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.
10:47I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
10:50No, no.
10:51You gave me an explanation.
10:53Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
10:57Don't be ridiculous.
10:58I have no peers.
11:00Shhh!
11:01We have to get out of here.
11:05You might want to speak in a lower register.
11:08What?
11:10Evolution has made women sensitive to high-pitched noises while they sleep so that they'll be
11:15aroused by a crying baby.
11:16If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
11:19That's ridiculous.
11:22No?
11:26That's ridiculous.
11:32Fine.
11:35I accept your premise.
11:37Now please, let's go.
11:38I'm not leaving until I'm done.
11:44if you have time to lean you have time to clean oh what the hell do you want
11:55some cereal I feel so good today I'm gonna choose from the low-fiber end of
11:59the shelf hello honey puffs
12:03I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her
12:17bedroom closet this is gonna be bad goodbye honey puffs hello big brand
12:33what are you doing here I texted you but you didn't respond
12:43it's fine it's just Raj you can hit him with the bat but it's fine
12:48if my heart starts just let me go I'm sorry guys Sheldon was upset Leonard and
12:55Penny were fighting I just wanted to go someplace where I wasn't causing
12:58problems I'll say it again India
13:06can I just stay in the garage don't do that we'll make up the couch for you and
13:11figure out something in the morning thank you come on get you some sheets
13:15I'll see if I could beat my high score on the blood pressure machine never
13:23should have had all these kids so close together anyone seen Sheldon last time I
13:30saw Sheldon was this morning careful don't say his name a third time you
13:36don't think he actually went to Las Vegas do you
13:42this is it it's everything okay sir oh it's better than okay I am a physicist
13:49and I've been observing this wheel for hours and running a chi-square analysis
13:54which is how I know that the ball is far more likely to land on 32 17 or 5 so if
13:59you could hold off on replacing this wheel I'd like to make several large
14:02bets well good for you Pelican what's Pelican sir would you come with us oh no
14:10I have to place my bet first this is for science 17 black
14:20it's a racing cold invigorating cold Lord is it cold
14:28help you with your bag sir oh thank you fellow bozai and may I say you are the
14:34living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of
14:39Commerce
14:41wait wait excuse me
15:00one ticket to Pasadena California
15:05I did it I'm in the queue and they say firefighters are the real heroes what
15:13number in line are you 15 great thousand two hundred and eleven
15:18they only have Thursday and Sunday buses left really
15:22Thursday's gone just Sunday left Oh Sunday's the worst everybody's leaving
15:27most of good panels are over and the only t-shirts they have left are small
15:31and XXXXL Sunday's gone not Sunday I love Sunday so that's it everything
15:42sold out yeah I can't believe we're not going it's okay
15:51you know there's always WonderCon in Anaheim that's just as good excuse me
16:01I have the solution to our comic-con problem we don't need them I'm starting
16:14my own convention buy scalps tickets with us I told you buying scalp tickets
16:22is against the rules if you get caught you get banned from comic-con for life
16:27life Leonard you're gonna feel pretty silly more 80 years old you have to
16:31drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days do what you want
16:37we're getting scalp tickets I already found a guy online is willing to sell
16:40how do you know this isn't a sting operation set up by the comic-con police
16:45the same way I know that the people in the TV set can't see me just come with
16:52us you're not gonna make your own convention you know there was a time
16:56when comic-con didn't exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique
17:00vision made it happen can you mark my words I'm gonna rip that guy off okay
17:06great bye our friendly neighborhood scalpers
17:10says he's running late does he sound like a criminal what do you mean you
17:17know did he say things like use guys listen here say yes he's late because
17:27he's on his way here from 1940 just saying we don't know who this guy is
17:32what if he wants to steal our money or our kidneys or make a suit out of our
17:36skins someone want to make clothes out of your skin I don't know maybe because
17:43Doc doesn't show the stains now you're making me wonder if we should have met
17:49him at a neutral location why do you think I told him to come to your place
17:54okay so I'm on a comic-con message board and there's a post from a guy where he
18:01says he got caught using someone else's badge and Sheldon was right he did get
18:05charged with petty theft guys if I go to jail dresses the human torch that might
18:10send the wrong message maybe this isn't a good idea I can text a guy tell him we
18:19changed our minds do it okay we're officially not going to
18:27comic-con hold on we always do this do what chicken out but we're so afraid of
18:36getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong it's cuz we're the good
18:39guys even Batman breaks the rules you know I struggle with Batman I say this
18:47one time instead of wimping out let's be badasses okay I'll be a badass but only
18:54if you pinky swear to be one too Howard you in on this no need I'm breaking rules
19:01all the time game one last night drank my pepto straight out of the bottle
19:10what about that little cup they give you yeah what about it
19:19are you impressed by that a little yeah me too
19:24just part is on his way up good this is exciting it is I feel alive what if we
19:30do get caught who cares so we get banned from comic-con I'll maybe slap
19:34little fine no no I'll be on astronaut and a bad boy how will women keep their
19:38pants on maybe it'll come up when I play for citizenship oh crap what if it comes
19:45up when I play for citizenship we'd have to disclose something like this when we
19:50apply for grants he's gonna be any second what should we do okay you guys
19:54are such babies I'll handle this
20:03I thought you were a badass I lied about the pepto I always use the little cup
20:08are you finished well thank you how thoughtful would you like a chocolate
20:16yeah sure
20:20thanks oh sorry Sheldon I almost sat in your spot did you I didn't notice have a
20:32chocolate thank you you're here a lot now
20:40oh am I talking too much I'm sorry thank you chocolate yes please
20:54oh hey Kim yeah you know what hold on let me take this in the hall
21:10okay I know what you're doing really yes you're using chocolates as positive
21:22reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior
21:27very good
21:31chocolate
21:37Sheldon you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat are you saying that I am
21:45forbidden from applying a harmless scientifically valid protocol that will
21:49make our lives better yes you're forbidden
21:56bad Leonard
22:01okay what is going on well ever since Amy started working with Howard she
22:06hasn't been home didn't that just start this morning and has she been home you
22:13know that would frustrate me does it frustrate you it does I get that you
22:20know it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way I suppose
22:25oh maybe it's not that big a deal no no no your feelings are valid now why don't
22:31you go wash up and we'll call you when dinners ready
22:35okay what did you do are you a witch I've been reading Bernadette's parenting
22:48book it's like the answer key to the Sheldon test that's amazing I know but
22:54you know it's only birth to five what do we do when he turns six take him to the
23:00zoo and leave him there I just wish I could make Howard feel as
23:04angry as I'm feeling well maybe you could do something he likes and make him
23:11jealous like what you ever read Tom Sawyer no chores he likes chores
23:21what kind of chores well you can change the batteries and the smoke detectors
23:26that would drive him crazy that's great oh he'll be so mad smoke will be coming
23:33out of his ears yeah the smoke detectors will detect it we don't hold on why'd
23:39you ask me about Tom Sawyer I'm just interested in you what you are sweeter
23:45than your applesauce okay I put new batteries in the smoke detectors did you
23:54do the laundry no I sure did oh he's gonna be steamed just like his dress
24:01shirts at least he could still clean the oven so that's something oh that's what
24:06he thinks where's your steel wool right here we may quiet the team