Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Come on, they're doing everything for you because you're leading them on.
00:04So I let them do stuff for me. They're happy, I get stuff, who cares?
00:09And how's it any different from what you do?
00:14Excuse me?
00:16I've seen you around them.
00:17Are you pretending like you don't do the exact same thing?
00:21Okay lady, you are way out of line.
00:25Oh, I'm out of line?
00:27Yeah, you're out of line.
00:29Well, what are you going to do about it, bitch?
00:37I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
00:43Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
00:46Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.
00:48Great, so I can take them both out with a number two pencil?
00:52Get out!
00:57Oh my god, girl fight!
01:01What are you doing?
01:02I know you, you're stupid enough to break it up.
01:14Leonard?
01:15Yeah?
01:16In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition.
01:22What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off.
01:26You're soft, this world's going to chew you up and spit you out.
01:34When did I have tacos?
01:37Morning, Jimmy.
01:39Oh, there it is, tacos.
01:44Man, I tied one on.
01:46Yeah, you did.
01:47So, uh, listen, it was great to see you again, and thanks for the apology.
01:53What apology?
01:55For all the crappy stuff you did to me in high school.
01:58Well, jeez, you're still harping on that? What a puss.
02:03That's my French toast.
02:04It's good.
02:06You really know your way around the kitchen, Nancy.
02:11I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
02:18I might kill him right now.
02:20The Dark Knight has your back.
02:22He's scared, but he has your back.
02:25Okay, Jimmy, it's time for you to go.
02:27Yeah, alright, let me just finish this.
02:28No, you're done. I want you out of my apartment right now.
02:31Well said, boy wonder.
02:36Or what?
02:38Don't answer, that's a trick question, I speak from experience.
02:44I'm not afraid of you anymore, Jimmy.
02:46Now get out!
02:49Uh-oh.
02:52You did it, Leonard. You stood up to your bully.
02:54Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself.
02:59Do you think we can outrun him?
03:01I don't need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.
03:06Can I at least kick down the door?
03:09You're welcome to try, but the other day it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box.
03:17Who is it?
03:18Your doom.
03:20Don't say your doom, who opens the door for their doom?
03:24Good point.
03:25Basket of puppies!
03:30What?
03:31Uh...
03:34Sheldon?
03:38Are you Todd Czarnecki?
03:39Yeah, who are you?
03:41I'm Sheldor of Azeroth.
03:43I want my things back.
03:45I don't think so. Let me see that.
03:47Careful, that's a collectible.
03:49I know. I've always wanted one.
04:00He's even more cumming than we thought.
04:04Hi, I'm Dr. Hofstetter, where is he?
04:06Ball pit.
04:11Thanks for not calling the cops.
04:13Hey, it's no big deal. My sister's got a kid who's special.
04:18Yeah, well, he's extra special.
04:23Hey, Shelly.
04:25Whatcha doing?
04:26Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn't visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.
04:32Sure, sure.
04:35How did you get into this place?
04:37Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm, child's play.
04:43You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
04:48No, I don't think so. We need to go home now.
04:52But I'm still working.
04:54If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
04:58You can try, but you'll never catch me.
05:05For God's sakes!
05:06For God's sakes!
05:12Just come here!
05:14Bazinga.
05:18Bazinga.
05:21Bazinga.
05:24Bazinga.
05:27Bazinga.
05:31Just come here!
05:34Bazinga.
05:37Bazinga.
05:43Bazinga.
05:48Bazinga.
05:51Bazinga.
05:56Bazinga.
05:59But you know what?
06:01Whenever I walk into the temple, I realize that whatever happens, it's okay.
06:06We're all part of an immense pattern, and though we can't understand it,
06:09we can be happy to know that it's working its will through us.
06:14That's nice.
06:15Whether you call it God or the universe or the self,
06:18we're all interconnected, and that's just a beautiful...
06:21Son of a bitch! That guy just dinged my car!
06:27Seriously, you were just gonna drive away?
06:30Like, my life isn't hard enough right now.
06:33A space probe might be destroyed.
06:35My parents are going through an awful divorce.
06:37The guy who cuts my dog's hair just gave her bangs!
06:42Raj, what you saw, she looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber!
06:47Raj, you just got a text.
06:49The probe turned on, it's fine.
06:53Oh, good.
06:56Namaste, Grandpa.
06:59So, this is it.
07:01Yes. We are using it to map brainwave patterns,
07:03and then converting them into electrical impulses
07:05that can be used to control anything, from wheelchairs to robots.
07:08Based on that ring on your finger, I'd say you're pretty good at controlling robots.
07:13Careful, that's my fiancé you're talking about.
07:15And I can program him to hurt you.
07:19If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors,
07:21I'll have to rewrite most of the code.
07:23Can you do that?
07:24These hands were made to do three things.
07:26Close-up magic, writing code, and the dirty shadow puppet show
07:29that got me kicked out of Hebrew school.
07:33Hello!
07:35Hi! What a nice surprise.
07:37I just came by to see how you two were getting along.
07:40Everything's going really great.
07:42That's nice to hear.
07:45I was hoping you two would enjoy working together.
07:49What's with the blinking?
07:51It's Morse code.
07:55So we can talk about...
07:59about hurting...
08:00feelings.
08:03Sheldon, I don't know Morse code.
08:05I do.
08:06And if you have something to say, you can say it to my face.
08:09Oh.
08:10Alright.
08:20I'm a little rusty, could you say that again?
08:30Event A.
08:32A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
08:34Event B.
08:35We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set
08:38from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
08:40Query.
08:41On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link
08:44between these events?
08:46She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
08:49Ah, yes, well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey,
08:52but we both know it only exists in contradistinction
08:54to the higher-level distal cause.
08:56Which is?
08:57You think with your penis.
09:00That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
09:03Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind to watch
09:05Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi.
09:09Why can't she get her own TV?
09:11There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend
09:13as to who gets custody of the TV.
09:15She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
09:18So we get to have a scene with him?
09:20No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
09:23I'll do the talking.
09:25Yeah.
09:26Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
09:28Hello.
09:29What did I just...
09:31Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
09:33Get lost.
09:34Okay, thanks for your time.
09:36We're not going to give up just like that.
09:38Leonard, the TV's in the building.
09:40We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
09:42Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
09:45We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
09:52What do you think their combined IQ is?
09:54Just grab the door!
09:56This is it.
09:59I'll do the talking.
10:00Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.
10:10Yeah?
10:11I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
10:13From the intercom.
10:16How the hell did you get in the building?
10:18Uh, we're scientists.
10:21We're scientists.
10:24Tell him about our IQ.
10:39Leonard.
10:40What?
10:41My mom bought me those pants.
10:42I'm sorry.
10:43So Dennis, how long have you been in America?
10:45A year and a half.
10:46No kidding, you speak English really well.
10:48So do you.
10:50Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
10:55What are you talking about?
10:58That.
11:01He's not wrong.
11:03Alright, and this is my office.
11:05Is this part of the tour?
11:06Nope, goodbye.
11:09Come on Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything.
11:11Alright, this is my desk.
11:14These are my books.
11:15This is my door.
11:16Please close it behind you, goodbye.
11:20Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
11:22Keen observation, goodbye.
11:25You see where you went wrong, don't you?
11:28Leonard.
11:29Yeah?
11:31Get him out.
11:33Come on Dennis, I'll show you the rec center.
11:35They've got Nautilus equipment.
11:36Do I look like I lift weights?
11:39Not heavy ones.
11:42It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz invariant or field theory approach.
11:46You think I haven't considered it?
11:48You really think I haven't considered it?
11:50Have you considered it?
11:53Get him out Leonard.
11:54Come on Dennis, I'll show you the radiation lab.
11:58Wow, you won the Stevenson award?
12:01Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it.
12:05Really?
12:07How old?
12:08Fourteen and a half.
12:09You were the youngest person ever to win it.
12:12It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
12:17Hey, can I start you off with something to drink?
12:19Water would be great.
12:20Okay.
12:22You're Lucy, right?
12:23I'm a friend of Raj Koothrappali's.
12:25Actually, Amy recognized you.
12:34Wow.
12:35How's he doing?
12:36Oh, you know, he's good.
12:38Wow.
12:39How's he doing?
12:40Oh, you know, he's good.
12:42Great.
12:43Yeah, this is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
12:49Oh, I don't know.
12:50I guess I thought it would be easier.
12:53Yeah, I get that.
12:54I'll go get you your water.
12:58When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right?
13:02Because certainly I didn't make it easier for him.
13:05Any chance I can get a different waitress?
13:09I'm sorry, this is rude of me.
13:10I will get you that water.
13:13See, see, see, see.
13:15Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face.
13:17How come you could do that with me but not with Raj?
13:19I don't know your email.
13:23You know what the worst part is?
13:24You're sitting here perfectly happy and he's at home a blubbering mess.
13:27I thought you said he was okay.
13:29Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me, still standing here.
13:33You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person.
13:37Now, you want to hear the specials?
13:46Glendor, check it out.
13:49I bought an Engage locomotive, half the size of HO.
13:53Look, it fits in my mouth.
13:57Sounds like you had a great night.
13:59I did.
14:03How was yours?
14:04Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
14:07What exactly do you mean by that?
14:09Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.
14:13Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.
14:23Why'd you do that?
14:24To send a message.
14:25She is not for you.
14:28What?
14:29Not for you.
14:33Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
14:38All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
14:48Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
14:52Okay, we cannot leave this to chance.
14:54Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
14:57Okay.
14:58How about that one?
15:00Uh-uh. I know the type.
15:01Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted program.
15:06And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you,
15:08it turns out to be a setup and you're in the backseat of your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
15:16Are you crying?
15:17No, I have allergies.
15:21Okay.
15:22Oh, hey, how about her?
15:25Sure.
15:26She wants to spend a couple years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat white Russians.
15:31And you're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you.
15:36And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
15:46Okay, so not her either.
15:48Could I have everyone's attention, please?
15:50What a wonderful occasion this is.
15:53And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
15:59We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
16:03Welcome, Dennis Kim.
16:06Mr. Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
16:15Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.
16:18And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr. Dennis Kim.
16:27Dennis?
16:29Dennis?
16:30What?
16:33Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
16:36No, thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma.
16:44The kid got a girl.
16:48Unbelievable.
16:50Did anyone see how he did it?
16:54Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
17:01I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman, you have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants.
17:09Hey, look at that.
17:12It's Dennis Kim.
17:14Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
17:17You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
17:23Yeah, we really ruined his life.
17:27Screw him, he was weak.
17:33What about Joss Whedon's work makes you think he'd be okay with rule breakers and line cutters?
17:38The Avengers are rule breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.
17:44They work for S.H.I.E.L.D., which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. government?
17:51As a matter of fact, I do. At a little place called the DMV.
17:58He's got him there. The D even stands for department.
18:03Excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?
18:11Told ya.
18:13Well, what a sad state of affairs.
18:16That you've all been so ground down by life, you don't even notice when someone disrespects you.
18:20I can't believe we're going to get beat up, and it's not because of your chair.
18:25You know, right now, at the back of this line, there's a movie fan like you who's not going to get in, because this person simply doesn't care.
18:33Well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line, and her name was Rosa Parks.
18:39Okay, you may have to pretend you're black to get us out of here.
18:44Now let's all follow in that brave woman's footsteps and stand up for ourselves.
18:49Now, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now's not the time to enjoy the irony of that.
18:54Now, I ask you again, who here takes issue with this person?
18:58Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself.
19:01I most certainly did not.
19:03I saw you.
19:04I most certainly did not.
19:06I saw you.
19:08If you're feeling dizzy, it's because the tables have turned.
19:14Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left.
19:20So what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies.
19:23No, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you again, show of hands, who here takes issue with this?
19:28Stop moving, he's going to get in.
19:30Let it go.
19:31No, I can't, this isn't right.
19:32You did everything you could.
19:33I can't anymore.
19:36Now, now, you've denigrated the memory of a great civil rights pioneer, that's all anyone could ask.
19:43Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I posted my findings.
19:47I saw.
19:49And I just posted a retraction of my paper.
19:52Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.
19:55These things happen all the time, Sheldon.
19:57Not to me.
19:58And the only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven, and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas.
20:06But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.
20:10There he is!
20:13That's my favorite superhero, the Retractor!
20:19Come on, don't give him a hard time.
20:22I'm sorry, Cooper.
20:23I retracted.
20:25By the way, Hofstetter, nice job disproving the Chinese team.
20:30It's not a big deal.
20:31It's a huge deal.
20:33Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing.
20:36Have you ever considered a career in retail?
20:38That way you could take things back for a whiffing?
20:43Okay, Barry, that's enough.
20:44I don't know, that's okay.
20:46I can fight my own battles, isn't that right, Barry?
20:50Owie.
20:55Is that a reference to my speech impediment?
20:59That's pretty hurtful.
21:03I can't control it.
21:06You're right.
21:07That was uncalled for.
21:10I take it back.
21:11Of course you do, because you're the Retractor!
21:17So, how's your experiment going?
21:18Ah, terrific.
21:19We're getting the electronic accelerator set up.
21:21We should be ready to go day after tomorrow.
21:23Boy, I'd love to see that.
21:25You're welcome to come.
21:26Really?
21:27Oh, that'd be great.
21:28How exciting is that?
21:30Like Hanukkah in July.
21:33Did I have that?
21:37No.
21:39Oh, you got me again.
21:44This is a nonfat yogurt.
21:46This is fatty fat fat.
21:48Excuse me.
21:50Could you grab me another napkin, sweetie?
21:52Sure.
21:53Thanks, honey.
21:55All right, what is your deal?
21:57Excuse me?
21:58Inviting my girlfriend to come see your electron accelerator?
22:02Yeah, so?
22:04Wow.
22:05You really are a piece of work.
22:08It's not enough you get the prom queen.
22:10You have to get the head of the decorating committee, too.
22:14What are you talking about?
22:15Don't play innocent with me.
22:17I practically invented using fancy lab equipment to seduce women.
22:22Has it ever worked?
22:24Not so far, but that's not the point.
22:26Howard, relax.
22:28I am not interested in your girlfriend.
22:30I hope not.
22:32You don't want to mess with me.
22:39I'm crazy.
22:43I believe you.
22:46Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
22:48Yes, Cthulhu Pali's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up,
22:51Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die.
22:55Should we synchronize our watches?
22:58Yes, there are four of us and one of him.
23:00Which means his triumph will be even larger.
23:04Minstrels will write songs about him.
23:07Okay, how about this?
23:08I'll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
23:16I should have peed before we left.
23:21Yeah?
23:26Hi, Kurt.
23:28Lenny, right?
23:30I don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay.
23:32You remember Sheldon, Howard, and Raj?
23:35No.
23:37What do you want?
23:39You don't remember me.
23:41How could he not remember me?
23:43Sheldon, not now.
23:45Okay, here it is.
23:47Penny's in kind of a financial jam,
23:49and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
23:52And she sent you to get it from me?
23:54No, no, she's too proud to ask for the money.
23:57I, on the other hand, feel you should honor your debt.
23:59You do?
24:04Feel is kind of a strong word.
24:07I think it'd be a nice gesture on your part.
24:10She'll get it when she gets it.
24:16Well, there you go. Problem solved.
24:20A successful quest.
24:22Now let's find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
24:24No, the problem isn't solved.
24:27He just blew us off.
24:29I've got it.
24:31He didn't remember me because the last time we met,
24:33I was in a Halloween costume.
24:36Come on, Leonard, let's go.
24:38No, you can leave if you want to.
24:40I'm going to see this through.
24:42Okay.
24:46I guess, technically, that was my fault.
24:55I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
24:58What happened to your backup?
25:01I don't need backup.
25:03I have Wright on my side.
25:10And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
25:16Congratulations.
25:18You may not have succeeded in getting cash,
25:20but you did secure a formal acknowledgement of the debt.
25:28Maybe we should have your head notarized.
25:34Oh, no.
25:36What?
25:38That's Penny's ex-boyfriend.
25:40What do you suppose he's doing here,
25:42besides disrupting the local gravity field?
25:45If he were any bigger,
25:47he'd have moons orbiting him.
25:49Oh, snap.
25:51So, I guess we'll be leaving now.
25:54Why should we leave?
25:56For all we know, he crashed the party,
25:58and Penny doesn't even want him here.
26:01You have a backup hypothesis?
26:03Maybe they just want to be friends.
26:06Or maybe she wants to be friends,
26:08and he wants something more.
26:10Then he and I are on equal ground.
26:12Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is.
26:16Look, if this was 15,000 years ago,
26:19by virtue of his size and strength,
26:21Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
26:24And male partners, animal partners,
26:26large primordial eggplants,
26:28pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
26:30Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift.
26:33In the information age, Sheldon,
26:35you and I are the alpha males.
26:37We shouldn't have to back down.
26:39True.
26:41Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down?
26:43No.
26:46I'm going to assert my dominance face-to-face.
26:49Face-to-face?
26:51Are you going to wait for him to sit down,
26:53or are you going to stand on the coffee table?
26:55Hello, Penny.
26:57Hello, Kurt.
26:59Oh, hey, guys. You having a good time?
27:01Given the reaction to my costume,
27:03this party is a scathing indictment
27:05of the American education system.
27:07You're a zebra, right?
27:09You have another child left behind.
27:11What are you supposed to be, an elf?
27:13No, I'm a hobbit.
27:15What's the difference?
27:17A hobbit is a mortal halfling
27:19inhabitant of Middle Earth,
27:21whereas an elf is an immortal tall warrior.
27:23So why the hell would you want to be a hobbit?
27:26Because he's neither tall nor immortal,
27:28and none of us could be the Flash.
27:31Well, whatever.
27:33Why don't you go hop off on a quest?
27:35I'm talking to Penny here.
27:37I think we're all talking to Penny here.
27:39I'm not. No offense.
27:41Okay, maybe he didn't hear me.
27:43All right, Kurt, be nice.
27:45Oh, I am being nice.
27:47Right, little buddy?
27:49Kurt?
27:51Okay, I understand your impulse
27:54to try to physically intimidate me.
27:56I mean, you can't compete with me
27:58on an intellectual level,
28:00and so you're driven to animalistic puffery.
28:02Call me a puffy animal?
28:04Of course not.
28:06No, he's not. You're not, right, Leonard?
28:08No, I said animalistic.
28:10I mean, of course, we're all animals,
28:11but some of us have climbed
28:13a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
28:15If he understands that, you're in trouble.
28:17So what? I'm unevolved?
28:19You're in trouble.
28:21You know, you use a lot of big words
28:23for such a little dwarf.
28:25Okay, Kurt, please.
28:27Penny, it's okay. I can handle this.
28:29I am not a dwarf.
28:31I'm a hobbit.
28:33A hobbit!
28:35Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus
28:37preventing the conversion
28:39from short-term to long-term memory?
28:42Okay, now you're starting to make me mad.
28:45A homo habilis discovering his opposable thumb
28:48says what?
28:50What?
28:56I think I've made my point.
28:58Yeah?
29:00How about I make a point out of your pointy little head?
29:02Let me remind you,
29:04while my moral support is absolute,
29:06in a physical confrontation,
29:08I will be less than useless.
29:09Confrontation.
29:11In fact, I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
29:14Oh!
29:16C-O-N...
29:19frontation.
29:21Kurt, put him down this instant!
29:23He started it!
29:25I don't care! I'm finishing it! Put him down!
29:27Fine.
29:30You're one lucky little leprechaun.
29:34He's a hobbit!
29:36I got your back.
29:38In conclusion,
29:40the data show that at temperatures
29:42approaching absolute zero,
29:44the moment of inertia changes
29:46and the solid becomes a super solid,
29:48which clearly appears to be
29:50a previously unknown state of matter.
29:58Are there any questions?
30:00Yeah.
30:02What the hell was that?
30:05Any other questions?
30:07Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
30:09I am the lead author
30:11of this particular paper.
30:16And you, sir,
30:18you have completely skipped over
30:20the part where I was walking through the park
30:22and I saw these children on a merry-go-round,
30:24which started me thinking
30:26about the moment of inertia
30:28in gases like helium
30:30at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
30:32I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote.
30:34It's not science.
30:35Was that a joke on Newton's head?
30:37Was that just an anecdote?
30:39You are not Isaac Newton.
30:41No, no, that's true.
30:43Gravity would have been apparent
30:45to me without the apple.
30:47You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
30:49You continue to underestimate me,
30:51my good man.
30:53Look, if you weren't happy
30:55with my presentation,
30:57then maybe you should have given it with me.
30:59As I have explained repeatedly,
31:01unlike you,
31:03I don't need validation
31:05straight downhill from there.
31:07You know, I've had enough of your condescension.
31:09Maybe I didn't go to college
31:11when I was 11, like you.
31:13Maybe I got my doctorate
31:15at 24 instead of 16.
31:17But you are not the only person
31:19who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
31:21No offense.
31:23And I am clearly not the only person
31:25who is tormented by insecurity
31:27and has an ego in need of constant validation.
31:29So you admit you're an egotist?
31:31Yes!
31:33My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter
31:35and I'm a parent,
31:37so I need to get all my self-esteem
31:39from strangers like you.
31:41But he's worse!
31:43Okay, that is it.
31:45Stop it.
31:47You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
31:49Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
31:51Stop it.
31:53You hit me.
31:55You saw that?
31:57He hit me.
31:59You were trying to blow up my head.
32:01So it was working.
32:03It was not.
32:05Stop it.
32:10Is this usually how these physics things go?
32:13More often than you think.
32:20Seems we're at a stalemate.
32:23Not technically.
32:25In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation
32:27in which there are no remaining moves.
32:29You have plenty of moves available.
32:31You could beat us up and steal the money.
32:33You could kill us.
32:36Really, you're only limited by your imagination.
32:42All these years I've been using stalemate
32:44when I really mean impasse.
32:46I feel foolish.
32:51I don't think it matters
32:53if this is a stalemate or an impasse
32:55or a Mexican standoff.
32:57What are we going to do here?
32:59How can it be a Mexican standoff?
33:01Everybody knows you need three sides for that.
33:03Not necessarily.
33:05The essence of a Mexican standoff
33:07is that no one can walk away from the conflict
33:09without incurring harm.
33:11I don't follow.
33:13Let me give you an example.
33:15Earlier today,
33:17I decoded the headers on your email
33:19and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald.
33:21From that, I figured out where you live
33:23and where you work.
33:25Now, to make this a Mexican standoff,
33:27I would say something like,
33:29you give us the helium
33:31or I'll turn you into the authorities.
33:33Is that a threat?
33:36Lava serpent.
33:38Nest of snakes.
33:41Underworld guardian.
33:43Underworld guardian.
33:45We skirmish to the death.
33:53Invisibility spell.
33:55Luminescence spell.
33:57Water nymph.
33:59Fire demon.
34:01Two-headed tiger.
34:03Three-headed lion.
34:05Problem, Wil Wheaton?
34:10Hang on.
34:12You're holding two moderate spell cards,
34:14a small rock,
34:16and a potion of Xancor,
34:18which will be about as much help
34:20as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth.
34:22Your only move is to play the potion,
34:24lose the skirmish,
34:26and two moves later, the game.
34:28I think he's got me.
34:30The year was 1995.
34:32The place, Jackson, Mississippi.
34:36Having spent ten hours on a bus
34:38during which I had to twice
34:40violate my personal rule
34:42against relieving myself
34:44on board a moving vehicle,
34:46I finally arrived
34:48at the fourth annual Dixie Trek convention
34:50only to find that my idol,
34:52Wil Wheaton,
34:54decided he had better things to do
34:56than to show up and sign my action figure.
35:02What?
35:05You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton.
35:08Now,
35:10I have my revenge.
35:14You went to the 95 Dixie Trek?
35:18Oh, dude.
35:20My grandmother had just died
35:22and I had to go to her funeral.
35:27Your Meemaw died?
35:31That's terrible.
35:33Yeah, it was.
35:35But I'm really sorry
35:37that I disappointed you.
35:39No, no, I understand.
35:41If anything happened to my Meemaw,
35:43I'd be one inconsolable Moon Pie.
35:46I should clarify that statement
35:48by explaining that she calls me Moon Pie.
35:51It's a special relationship, isn't it?
35:54Between a boy and his grandmother?
35:56Oh, yes.
35:58Okay, great.
35:59Now, come on, Sheldon.
36:01Finish him off.
36:03Yeah, it's okay, Sheldon.
36:05I let you down.
36:07I deserve it.
36:09Potion of Xancor.
36:11What are you waiting for?
36:14Kill Wil Wheaton from Hell's Arch!
36:17Stab at him!
36:22I can't.
36:24Sure you can. Do it, do it.
36:26No.
36:27I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton,
36:30the man who destroyed my dreams.
36:33But I can't defeat Wil Wheaton,
36:35the man who loved his Meemaw.
36:41Enchanted Bunny.
36:43No!
36:45Not Enchanted Bunny!
36:49I call my Meemaw Nana.
36:52And she's going to be very happy
36:54to hear that my small rock
36:55kills your Enchanted Bunny.
36:59Game over, Moonpaw.
37:06I don't understand.
37:08Your grandmother's alive?
37:10You catch on quick.
37:12Come on, Stewie. Let's get our prize money.
37:17That was fun.
37:26WHEATON!
37:30WHEATON!
37:33WHEATON!