Frasier Season 2 Episode 21 An Affair To Forg Et
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00:00You're on KACL with Dr. Fraser Crane. We have time for one more call.
00:06Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.
00:09Well, you see, Dr. Crane, my husband is a fencing instructor,
00:14and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student.
00:19He's with her day and night, and I'm afraid there's some boomsunt going on.
00:24Well, is this just a suspicion, or do you have any evidence?
00:32No, it's just a feeling.
00:34Well, you know, in these matters, there's no simple way to know for sure.
00:40Yes, there is.
00:44Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.
00:47It just so happens that we have in our studio today
00:49one of the world's five leading boomsunt experts.
00:54If you want to know if a man is cheating,
01:00you offer him two choices for dinner,
01:02one that's rich and fattening and one that's light and sensible.
01:06If he picks the one that's calorie-packed,
01:08he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig,
01:10which means he's happily married and you're in the clear.
01:13You're not wrong.
01:14When I hear advice like that,
01:16it makes me wish there was a law against two or more women gathering at a water cooler.
01:20Now, Gretchen.
01:24Does it really work, Ross?
01:27Oh, trust me.
01:29I'm going to do it.
01:31Thank you for your help, Ross.
01:34Oh, and you too, Dr. Crane.
01:37Don't imagine it.
01:38Well, Dr. Crane and friends will be back tomorrow.
01:45Thanks for listening, Seattle.
01:47I know, you hate it when I butt into your show.
01:54And yet.
01:56You're going to forgive me when you find out the wonderful thing I'm doing for you.
02:00See, there's this great woman who lives in my building.
02:03She's beautiful and funny.
02:05No, just stop right there, Ross.
02:08I do not go out on blind dates.
02:09They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time.
02:13No, thank you.
02:14No.
02:15It's not for you.
02:15It's for your father.
02:16Oh, what time should you pick her up?
02:20Wait a minute.
02:21Blind dates are okay for your father, but not for you?
02:23Yes.
02:24That also goes for games with balls, domestic beer,
02:27and giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.
02:29So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
02:38Step one, before assembly, take inventory of all parts.
02:42We don't need to read all these instructions.
02:44Yes, we do.
02:45It says right here in boldface, read all instructions.
02:49Just pass me the right side of the hall, will you?
02:52You'll get your hands on that piece at step 16, and not a moment sooner.
02:57Can we get started here?
02:58Oh, all right, Dad.
03:02So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
03:06Give me that.
03:08You'll put your eye out.
03:13Oh, look at that.
03:16What a beautiful shape.
03:18I bet you'll have fun building that.
03:20Not as much fun as we're having reading about it.
03:23Did I have a mention?
03:25One of my ancestors was a mutineer on the HMS bounty.
03:29No kidding.
03:30Yeah, well, from what we could gather, he made it safely to pick an island where he was quite fruitful and multiplied.
03:36You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me, running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, oh, brown-skinned and bare-breasted.
03:48So you want to build a two-masted schooner?
04:01Schooner?
04:02I thought it was a frigate.
04:04No, no, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
04:06No, no, that's a brigantine.
04:08Oh, you're right.
04:09Well, then what's a frigate?
04:10That's when you just don't give a damn anymore.
04:13Hello, all.
04:21Oh, hello, Mr. Henry.
04:22Hello, there.
04:23Now, is we going to be spending the evening with us?
04:25Yes.
04:26As much as my Maris misses me, she feels family comes first.
04:29When she saw this model, she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with Dad.
04:34You wanted you out in the house, huh?
04:35Like a musty smell.
04:36Oh, Dad, I have a proposal for you.
04:43Seems there's a woman in Roz's building that would like to go out with you.
04:49Roz says that she's got a wonderful personality.
04:52Oh, I guess that means I'm the pretty one.
05:00Oh, tell Roz thanks, but no thanks.
05:03Well, I think you're making a mistake.
05:04Like, trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant.
05:09You know, you're right, Daphne.
05:10For weeks, all Maris did for excitement was float in her sensory deprivation tank.
05:15But now, she's taken up fencing, and I've never seen her more vital.
05:23She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor.
05:30Maris has a fencing instructor?
05:33Yes.
05:33Gunnar was the Bavarian champion, three years running.
05:38He's Bavarian?
05:43You're full of questions I've already given answers to.
05:47Am I?
05:53He doesn't speak a word of English, so Maris gets to brush up on her German while she parries and thrusts.
05:58And Maris is learning German, huh?
06:03Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.
06:06Dad, did you take the spanking aft?
06:13Yeah, I pre-glued it for you.
06:16Good job.
06:17Oh, not to worry.
06:19This sort of thing used to happen to me brothers all the time.
06:22I can get that off with some nail polish remover.
06:25Come with me.
06:25Oh, so your brothers built a lot of models?
06:29No, actually.
06:30I suspect they just sniffed a lot of glue.
06:34No, that can cause brain damage.
06:36Well, then, that confirms it.
06:40Dad!
06:41Dad!
06:41I have to talk to you about Maris.
06:44I got a call on the show today from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
06:55And?
06:57Don't you find that the least bit incriminating?
06:59No, I find it a coincidence.
07:02Seattle's a big city.
07:03I'm sure there are a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
07:08Yes, but are they wealthy students?
07:10No, they're inner city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.
07:18Yes, well, in the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, I suppose there may be a kernel of truth.
07:25Yes, I could just be.
07:26I think my imagination is on the way with me.
07:28Just trust me.
07:29Forget it.
07:30Come on, help me put this model together.
07:32Oh, my God, you know what?
07:34Remember how Niles used to love these models?
07:37Oh, God, remember that Christmas?
07:39Mom got him the visible man and woman.
07:43He had to glue all of the internal organs in the right place.
07:45All I remember is you two fighting over it.
07:47Yes, well, Niles was getting on my nerves.
07:49I had to go in and steal his ovaries.
07:56Now, there's a conversation.
07:57I'm glad I missed the beginning of.
07:59Sorry, I'm late, Roz.
08:07Oh, hey, Frasier.
08:08Did you have a chance to ask your dad about the date?
08:11Yeah, he's not interested.
08:12Oh, darn it.
08:13Already got our hopes up.
08:15I don't suppose you'd consider going out with her.
08:18Sorry.
08:19I've had my quota of pity dates.
08:21Yes, but this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied.
08:28Oh, listen, we have a great call to start the show off with.
08:32Get this.
08:33The guy on line three just found out that his girlfriend is his long-lost sister.
08:37Wow.
08:37Oh, yeah, and that German woman called back about her husband's affair.
08:42Gretchen!
08:42Yeah.
08:44I want her first.
08:45Are you kidding?
08:46What am I supposed to say to the guy who's dating his sister?
08:48I'll just tell him to hang on and relax.
08:49We've all been there.
08:56Hello, Seattle.
08:57This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL.
09:00Let's get right to the phones.
09:02Roz?
09:03We have Gretchen calling back about her husband's affair.
09:05She thinks she has more evidence.
09:08Hello, Gretchen.
09:09I'm listening.
09:10Oh, Dr. Crane.
09:12I took Roz's advice and gave my husband two choices for dinner.
09:18And he picked the diet plate.
09:22But there is no proof that he's having an affair.
09:25But Gunnar has a healthy appetite.
09:28No, no, no.
09:28The proof is phone bills, credit card receipts.
09:33Gunnar?
09:35I also found a love letter he wrote to her.
09:42And how long were you going to keep that a secret, Gretchen?
09:44Come on, work with me here.
09:46What does it say?
09:48Mein kleiner Leberknudel.
09:52I'm sorry.
09:52I don't speak German.
09:54It means my little liver dumpling.
09:57That used to be his pet name for me.
10:01Well, maybe he's writing to you.
10:04It can't be me.
10:05He says he loves her beautiful little body.
10:09As thin as his sword and her skin as white as bratwurst.
10:14And that she says,
10:15Nicht eine menschliche Frau.
10:17Then what is that?
10:21I don't know if there's a word in English.
10:24The closest translation is
10:27Not quite human woman.
10:30Oh, dear God, it is her.
10:39What should I do?
10:40I don't know.
10:41I need time to think.
10:43Let's go to commercial.
10:44Hello, we're back.
10:53Gretchen, I have considered your problem.
10:56And I believe that what you must do
10:57is confront your husband
10:58and insist that he end this affair.
11:00But what if he won't?
11:02But he has to.
11:04Look, innocent people are being hurt.
11:06Remind him of how much he means to you
11:07of all your years together.
11:09Are there children?
11:10No.
11:10Damn!
11:11Still, still, it must be a clean break.
11:16He must never, ever see this woman again
11:17and not even accidentally.
11:19We never had these problems back home.
11:22Well, maybe that's where you should return
11:24to the loving bosom of Bavaria.
11:27How did you know we were from Bavaria?
11:34Well, you see, I'm a master of dialect.
11:38I noticed there was a glottal quality
11:41to the occlusion of your diphthongs.
11:45Well, I'm originally from Austria.
11:48Look, do you want to split hairs?
11:49You want your husband back?
11:53Gretchen, I'm afraid it's time for another commercial.
11:55Another commercial?
11:56Yes, Ross, another commercial!
11:58Another commercial!
12:03What is going on?
12:05I meant you think there's something going on.
12:07Well, when the person giving advice
12:11sounds crazier than the person calling in,
12:13I think there's something going on.
12:17Nothing's going on.
12:19Wait a minute.
12:20You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you?
12:26All right, yes.
12:27But it's nobody you know.
12:29Her husband's a good friend of mine.
12:31Oh, how can I tell him?
12:32He'll be crushed.
12:33Well, you don't tell the person being cheated on.
12:36And you confront the person who's doing the cheating.
12:38Didn't they teach you anything at Harvard?
12:41I can't do that.
12:44It's easy, Frasier.
12:45You just tell her you know she'd been mattress-surfing
12:48with some other guy,
12:49and if she doesn't knock it off,
12:50you'll tell her husband.
12:52It's just, it's not that easy.
12:54You don't know this woman.
12:55She doesn't deal with confrontation very well.
12:58I once questioned the political correctness
13:00of her serving veal.
13:01An hour later,
13:02we found her locked in the garage
13:03with the engine running on her golf cart.
13:07Whoa, it's Maris.
13:09Mrs. Crane is in the box.
13:25Mrs. Crane is in the box.
13:25Mrs. Crane is in the box.
13:34Maris?
13:36This is Frasier.
13:37I am trying to wait for you
13:39to come out of this ridiculous deprivation tank.
13:41Now listen.
13:42We've got to talk,
13:43and we've got to talk about Niles.
13:46Will you come out of there?
13:50Look, Maris.
13:54I know that you're having an affair.
13:58But I care for you both,
14:00and I want to help you do
14:01what's best for your marriage.
14:03Oh, will you stop this?
14:10Just come...
14:11Come out of this box.
14:13All right, all right.
14:14I'm going to open this door.
14:17I'm going to count to three,
14:18and I don't care if you're naked.
14:21I'm going to count to ten.
14:22Oh, the hell with this.
14:27All right.
14:42Niles.
14:43I'm so sorry.
14:45Marta,
14:46you said Mrs. Crane was in the box.
14:49Yes, Mrs. Crane.
14:51No, that's Mr. Crane.
14:54Marta has trouble with her pronouns.
15:05I'm worried about him.
15:06He's always been such a sensitive kid.
15:08You're right, Dad.
15:09And maybe it's wise for us
15:11not to let on how worried we are.
15:13It'll only add to his anxiety.
15:15Yeah, you're right.
15:15If we coddle him,
15:16he'll think this is the end of the world.
15:18Hello, Niles.
15:25Hi, son.
15:28Oh, that's okay.
15:31That's okay, Niles.
15:34Come on.
15:35It's all right.
15:38Oh, we're all here for you, son.
15:41You're my little brother here.
15:43Oh.
15:45Yeah, uh,
15:46Fraser, pour him a glass of brandy.
15:47Yes, yes, yes.
15:49Oh, God, you know,
15:50I'm all out of brandy.
15:52I have a marvelous sherry here,
15:54a couple of fine ports.
15:56Oh, and this lovely new bottle
15:58of 12-year-old unblended scotch.
16:00It's a little bit peaty.
16:02Just pour him a drink.
16:06What happened, son?
16:07Uh, nothing.
16:10Nothing?
16:11Well, when I left,
16:12you were about to storm out
16:14to Maris' room
16:14and have it out with her.
16:16I know, and with every step,
16:18I thought of another question
16:19to fire at her,
16:20but when I reached her door,
16:21I froze.
16:23I turned around,
16:24walked out of the house,
16:25got in the car,
16:26and just started driving.
16:28Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
16:32Actually, I ended up
16:32at the Oregon border check.
16:37I had fruit in the car,
16:39so I had to turn back.
16:50What am I going to do?
16:51She's my whole life.
16:53You know, Niles,
16:53Maris may have temporarily succumbed
16:57to Gunnar's Teutonic charms,
16:59but in the end,
17:02I'm sure she'll choose
17:02the man who's intelligent
17:04and sensitive.
17:07Oh, Fraser,
17:08that's just something
17:09we used to tell ourselves
17:10in chess club.
17:18The truth is,
17:19women don't want men like us.
17:21It's men of intellect.
17:22They want men of action.
17:23Men like Gunnar.
17:24Yes, but you know,
17:25this has nothing to do
17:26with Gunnar
17:27and everything to do
17:28with you and Maris.
17:30Do you remember
17:30the advice you gave me
17:31when I was having
17:32my problems with Lilith?
17:34You said that I should
17:35talk to her
17:36and find out why
17:38she did what she did.
17:40Well, it's one thing
17:40to give advice,
17:41it's another to take it.
17:42Hey, hey, hey,
17:45Fraser,
17:45didn't you and Lilith
17:47write a bunch of articles
17:49together once
17:50about the keys
17:51to a successful marriage?
17:52Yes, we did.
17:53Well, maybe it'll help
17:54your brother to read them
17:55right now.
17:57Well, all right,
17:59all right.
17:59You know,
18:00I've only got half of them,
18:01though.
18:01Lilith's got the rest
18:02of them.
18:02There's more settlement.
18:02Now, listen,
18:07now that we got rid
18:08of the foghorn,
18:09here's the way
18:10you get ahead of it.
18:12Now, you remember
18:13something like this
18:14happened between
18:14your mother and I,
18:15right?
18:16Right.
18:16Right.
18:17Well, the way I handled it
18:18was I took it up
18:19with the other man.
18:20I told him if it ever
18:21happened again,
18:22he'd be the other woman.
18:24Now, there was a lot more
18:27that we had to do
18:28to keep our marriage together,
18:29but at least that let
18:30your mother know
18:31how much I cared for.
18:33What would you have me do?
18:36Grab Gunnar by the
18:37scruff of the neck
18:38and escort him
18:38out of my house?
18:39Why not?
18:40Well, I've been
18:41fantasizing about it.
18:43It's just not me,
18:44though.
18:45Although, maybe
18:46it should be me.
18:48No, no, no.
18:49I've got to speak
18:50to Maris eventually.
18:51Although, if I do it
18:54your way, I'm going
18:55at it from a position
18:56of strength.
18:57I'm going to do it,
18:58Dad.
19:00Maris has fencing
19:00practice tonight,
19:01but it's Gunnar
19:02who's going to be
19:03taught a lesson.
19:04That's my boy.
19:05You sure you're up to it?
19:06Yes, I am.
19:09I'm pumped,
19:10I'm psyched,
19:10and I'm fairly certain
19:11I just swallowed
19:12an entire twist of lemon.
19:16Did I just hear
19:17Niles leave?
19:18Yeah, he went to
19:19straighten out
19:19that Gunnar guy.
19:21God damn it.
19:22How could you let him go?
19:23What if this Gunnar guy
19:24doesn't want to get
19:25straightened out?
19:25What if he wants to fight?
19:26Well, that's all right.
19:27It's still better this way.
19:29At least he's found
19:29his manhood.
19:31I'll tell you,
19:31I'd be happy if Niles
19:32traded in a couple
19:33of teeth for his cojones.
19:41I've got to stop
19:42walking in on the
19:43middle of conversations.
19:44There you are.
19:58Jess, I'm talking to you,
19:59strudel boy.
20:03No one seduces my wife
20:05and gets away with it.
20:07You probably thought
20:08because of my refined
20:09bearing and swimmer's build
20:10that I wouldn't put up
20:11a fight for the woman
20:12I love.
20:12But you're dead wrong
20:14because real men
20:15have a thing called
20:16honor.
20:18Yow.
20:22You wouldn't know
20:22about that, would you?
20:24Niles.
20:24You wouldn't know
20:25how decent people behave.
20:26Niles.
20:27You wouldn't know
20:27the meaning of the word
20:28rectitude.
20:29Niles, you wouldn't know
20:30the meaning of the word
20:30dog, cat, or pencil.
20:32He doesn't speak English,
20:33remember?
20:35Wieso ist er so böse?
20:37Ich weiß nicht.
20:40Marta.
20:42Can you speak German?
20:45What?
20:52Do you speak German?
20:54Yes.
20:55I worked for a German family
20:56that arrived in Guatemala
20:58after the war.
21:01Apparently she worked
21:02for a German family
21:03that turned up
21:04in Guatemala
21:04just after the war.
21:07Well, well, good.
21:14Good.
21:14She can translate for me.
21:15Tell her.
21:16Don't tell him.
21:16Niles, Niles, Niles.
21:17Tell him, Niles.
21:18Just wait.
21:18What?
21:19Look at him.
21:21God, if he knew
21:21you were calling
21:22a strudel boy,
21:23he'd be wiping
21:23his feet on your face.
21:25Hang that, Frasier.
21:26They're going to be scuffs.
21:27They'll be scuffs of honor.
21:28How dare you steal my wife?
21:31Translate.
21:32Oh, all right.
21:35Señor Crane,
21:36¿qué hay de preguntas
21:37alguna?
21:39¿Cómo se otra vez
21:40a robar mis zapatos?
21:42Vice fail,
21:48te da en mi chú
21:49su stelen.
21:51Slymouth.
21:55All right, fine.
21:56You want to challenge me?
22:00Ungound.
22:00Oh, yes, Niles.
22:01That's just what we need,
22:02a fourth language.
22:08Niles, you can't possibly
22:09fight this man.
22:10You forgetting?
22:12I've been fencing
22:13since prep school.
22:14Yes.
22:14Oh, so what?
22:16The man was obviously
22:17born with a sword
22:17in his hand.
22:18He probably performed
22:19his own caesarean.
22:25Oh, my God,
22:26he's going to kill me.
22:31Perfect Nugan.
22:33Perfect Nugan.
22:41Oh, very nice.
22:52Very nice.
23:09Ha, ha, ha!
23:39Are you all ready?
24:03Entschuldige mich sofort!
24:05Ich hab nicht deine Schuhe gestohlen.
24:07Ist er nicht deine Schuhe gestohlen?
24:09Ich habe dich die Schuhe gestohlen.
24:12Er sagt, er möchte dich entschuldigen.
24:14Er hat nicht deine Schuhe gestohlen.
24:17Meine Schuhe?
24:29Ja, Entschuldigung.
24:31Apparently, ich verliebe.
24:34Er sagt, er ist nicht deine Schuhe gestohlen.
24:41Er ist nicht deine Schuhe, sondern deine Esposa.
24:45Er ist deine Schuhe.
24:47Schuhe, Frau.
24:50Frau?
24:53Na ja, das konnte ich mir jetzt nicht helfen, weißt du.
25:00Die Maris ist unwiderstellig.
25:05Du me pude kontrolar, Maris es irresistible.
25:08I couldn't help himself, Maris is irresistible, irresistible.
25:15Widerstellig?
25:16Ja.
25:16Aber sie hat mich abgewesen, weißt du.
25:24Pero me rechazó.
25:25Oh, but she refused him.
25:27Really?
25:28Verdad?
25:29Wirklich?
25:34What did Maris say?
25:39Was sie gesagt?
25:42Ich liebe Niles.
25:47You are more Niles.
25:49I love Niles.
25:50Oh, she loves me.
25:51Oh, she loves me.
25:54My marriage is home.
25:56Give me five seconds, then tell him he's fired.
26:01Maris!
26:04Oh, God, if only I could do something that helped Gunnar and Gretchen.
26:08Gretchen?
26:09Ja, ja.
26:11Tell him that his wife loves him very much.
26:13I mean, diga alguma, que sua esposa, they ama mucho.
26:19Diem Frau liebt in ser.
26:21Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling
26:39Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:42Oh my
26:44And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:47Well, maybe
26:48But I got you pegged
26:51But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads
26:57Scrambled eggs
26:59They're calling again
27:02Frasier has left the building