Frasier Season 9 Episode 10 Junior Agent
Frasier Season 9 Episode 10 Junior Agent
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00:00From North Seattle. You're in bed with Dr. Zack. How can I make you feel better?
00:07My husband isn't the man he used to be, if you know what I mean. It's ruining our marriage.
00:14Are you sure it's just his fault? The sign's on Love Street. Don't all point one way.
00:19Oh, come on. This is the competition? Dr. Zack? Please, it's nothing but
00:28suggestive smarmy sleaze. And he's great at it.
00:33Ross. You know, I tell you what, I give this guy four five weeks tops.
00:38He's been on the air ten weeks and frankly we're getting spanked.
00:42Oh, he did a whole show on that yesterday. Stop it.
00:45So, well, all right, he's the new flavor of the month. We've seen them come and go before.
00:54Dr. Mary, Professor Hugs, on the couch with Jeff and Lars.
01:02I don't know, Doc. I think this guy's got staying power.
01:05We did a whole show on that Tuesday. Cut it out, Ross.
01:09Hey, you know, maybe we should try some of those theme shows.
01:12Actually, we have done theme shows. You know, I still get letters about the
01:17show we did on existential angst. No, we don't.
01:20I get them at home.
01:24Well, I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a little, you know.
01:28Mention people's privates once in a while.
01:32Absolutely not. My show is fine the way it is. What it needs is a little more support
01:36from this station. How about some advertising? Whoa, whoa. I don't want to just throw money
01:40at the problem. 30 seconds, Frasier.
01:43Right, right. Well, then how about airing some more promos on my lead-in? I mean,
01:48they get a sizable audience. Yeah, they do. That's why we're
01:50moving them to evening drive time. I mean, I'm their lead-in now?
01:55Yeah, they're not too happy about it.
01:59And we're back for the final hour of the Frasier Crane Show.
02:03Our next caller is Garth from Mercer Island. Go ahead, Garth. I'm listening.
02:10Gee, this is kind of weird talking about to a psychiatrist, but it is something couples go
02:16through, and since I'm not using my real name, maybe it's okay. It's our household budget.
02:33Any more sausage, Daph? I told you, five links ago, you cut off.
02:38Oh, come on. I'm being good. I took my cholesterol pill.
02:42Yes, and that was the last one. You better call Dr. Stewart.
02:45Oh, you made me go through a whole physical just to get a refill.
02:51Hey, Miles, couldn't you write me a prescription? Oh, I can't, Dad. Sorry.
02:57Why not? I don't have your chart. I'm not
02:59familiar with your medical history. Oh, come on. You see me every day.
03:03You know I'm fine. Just get your little pad out and write more pills.
03:08Hey, what is the big deal? Why do you hate going to the doctor so much?
03:12Everybody does. Not my brother, Billy.
03:15He loved going to the doctors. From the time he was a little boy, he'd start getting undressed in
03:20the car. And mind you, that was just for the dentist. As he got older, he volunteered for
03:29medical studies, supported himself, getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him.
03:36I think she's finished. Wait for it. One year, he grew little boobies.
03:44Hey, there. Ah!
03:45Praise. Good morning, all.
03:55Do you believe this? A full-page ad.
04:01Cuddle up with Dr. Zach. Yes.
04:05As if some airbrushed picture of a pretty boy has anything to do with effective therapy.
04:10He is awfully cute. Yet not so much you hate him for it.
04:17All right, you know, that's the reason I keep losing to him in the ratings.
04:21His station keeps flooding the marketplace with this useless tripe.
04:26It's my turn now. I'm gonna call my agent.
04:30Better earn her 10%. Tell you what, once Bebe gets through with the station,
04:35my face will be splattered all over this city. That Bebe is a monster. I don't know why you
04:41chose her. What possessed you?
04:44Yeah, right, she did. Yes, well, Bebe's evil, but she's my evil.
04:50Better bring a newborn baby in case she gets hungry.
04:54Frasier, all this over a picture in the paper, it seems a little petty.
04:58It is not petty. It's about getting my due as a respected member of this community
05:03and as a titan of Seattle Radio Psychiatry.
05:10Yeah, you're not so pretty with a mustache and a hairy mole now, are you?
05:15Frasier Crane, I wish my eyes were sore so you could be a sight for them.
05:22Thank you, Bebe, thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
05:25Oh, there's no such thing as short notice for my favorite client.
05:29Get Dr. Crane some coffee, please. So, how may I serve you?
05:34Well, actually, I'm a little nervous.
05:39So, how may I serve you?
05:42Well, actually, KACL is not doing all it should to promote my show.
05:48Say no more. We'll put the fear of God into them.
05:52We'll hold their feet to the fire till their skin crackles.
05:57Thank you, Bebe. I knew I could count on you.
06:00Well, it won't be me personally. I think now is the time to unleash
06:06the newest member of Team Crane.
06:09What do you mean?
06:10Well, you've become too big to be served by the efforts of one adoring mortal.
06:15That's why I'm bringing on more firepower.
06:19Oh, I like the sound of that.
06:21I thought you might. Frasier, meet your new agent, Portia Sanders.
06:26Pleased to meet you.
06:28We've met. Several hundred times.
06:33This is your assistant.
06:35Not anymore. Now she's a full-fledged junior agent.
06:38But she brings me coffee.
06:40She'll bring you Juan Valdez on a donkey if that's what you want.
06:44I thought we should start by scheduling a meeting to get more acquainted.
06:48We've met.
06:52You've met.
06:52You've only met Portia the assistant, the girl who spent the last four years
06:57answering phones and getting your coffee just right.
07:00Well, Portia the agent plans to take that same attention to detail when representing you.
07:06I'm sorry, but you've never gotten my coffee right.
07:11You've never said anything before.
07:13Yes, I have. Every time.
07:15Portia, will you give us a minute?
07:18Yes, I have. Every time.
07:20Portia, will you give us a minute?
07:22Is this about me?
07:24Because I would love the opportunity to address any concerns.
07:28Just go outside.
07:32I'll be outside if you need me.
07:34Yes, yes, that's good to know.
07:40Seems innocent, doesn't she?
07:42Almost naive.
07:44That's the quality that sets the trap.
07:47Then when she's lulled her prey, she pounces, pounces like a tiger.
07:50All right, baby, what's going on here?
07:53Are you fobbing me off?
07:55Ouch.
07:57Do you want the knife back or shall I just keep it in my heart?
08:03Portia will merely be looking after the day-to-day details,
08:07freeing me up for the big picture.
08:11Really?
08:13Of course.
08:14You are the rock upon which this agency is founded,
08:18upon which we continue to thrive.
08:21Oh, sorry to interrupt, BB, but we've got reservations at one o'clock.
08:25Dr. Zack!
08:27What is he doing here?
08:28Doctor who? I'm confused. Who are you?
08:34For God's sake, BB!
08:37You were supposed to meet me in the restaurant, whoever you are!
08:44BB, how could you?
08:49I feel so betrayed.
08:51And I am just as outraged as you are.
08:56You know, I see what's going on here.
08:57You're trying to pass me off to your assistant
08:59so that you can devote your full attention to your new number one client.
09:03Nonsense.
09:04There is no one more important to me than you.
09:08Then let him have the junior agent.
09:10Frasier, we have done great things, you and I.
09:15We've climbed this mountain together and planted your flag.
09:20Now I've discovered another young man who wants to plant his flag.
09:27Would you deny me the chance to share in that adventure?
09:30Yes.
09:32Oh, come on, don't be selfish.
09:33You'll be fine with Portia.
09:35Don't forget, she reports directly to me.
09:38BB, throughout our relationship, I have put up with a lot.
09:46But I never doubted, for an instant, your devotion to my career.
09:54Apparently, that is at an end.
09:57And so, therefore, is my association with this agency.
10:03And, screw you!
10:09May I add, you!
10:13I was thinking we could have that meeting next Tuesday.
10:16We have met!
10:28Hey, Fras.
10:29You just missed your new agent.
10:30She sent those.
10:32I didn't miss her.
10:33I was hiding in the stable till she left.
10:35And Portia is not my new agent.
10:38She is BB's minion, her little winged monkey.
10:47The woman has been hounding me.
10:49You know, I had to turn off my cell phone.
10:51God only knows how she got the new number.
10:53Oh, Dr. Crane, did the woman from the publisher's clearinghouse reach you?
10:57She seemed quite insistent.
11:01Wow, she sounds like a real go-getter.
11:03Wow, she sounds like a real go-getter.
11:05No, I don't care if she is.
11:06It'll be a cold day in hell before I go back to BB's agency.
11:11Well, uh, you're not gonna send back the flowers and muffins, are you?
11:16I don't see any muffins.
11:17I mean, if she had sent muffins.
11:25Don't worry, Dad.
11:27There will be muffins aplenty.
11:30Now that I am agentless, the word will spread like wildfire.
11:35You be prepared for this phone to start ringing right off the hook.
11:43I didn't mean literally.
11:45I know, but how great would that have been?
11:47You say, phone's gonna start ringing and boom.
11:51Yes, yes, yes.
11:52The truth is, I'm excited.
11:56I'm excited about having a new agent.
11:58I'm excited about being excited about my career again.
12:03Oh, so close.
12:09And so it begins.
12:12The sharks smell crane in the water.
12:19Let's just see which one of them's hungriest, shall we?
12:23Hello?
12:28Yes, could you hold on for just one moment, please?
12:32It's for you, Dad.
12:34Oh, thanks.
12:36Hello?
12:38Oh, hi, Dr. Stewart.
12:40Thanks for calling me back.
12:43I was hoping you could refill my prescription without me coming into the office.
12:49Oh, come on, Doc.
12:51My son's a doctor and he says I look fine.
12:57A psychiatrist.
13:01Okay, okay.
13:04I'll be in there tomorrow.
13:06Bye.
13:07I hope you're satisfied.
13:10Dad, we've discussed this.
13:11I am happy to drive you to the doctor, but I can't just write you a prescription.
13:15I would never violate my ethics like that.
13:18Have you asked Frazier?
13:20Yeah.
13:22It's been the same old baloney you do.
13:25Look, I've been taking this medicine for four years, Niles.
13:29I don't need an exam.
13:30I just need a refill.
13:32No.
13:33Here's a thought.
13:34Niles, you're a doctor.
13:36Why don't you give your father a full medical examination?
13:40That way you'll both be satisfied.
13:52Can you pick me up at one?
13:53Yeah.
13:57I'm telling you.
13:58Doc, Doc?
13:59I'm looking for Frazier.
14:01Oh, he's not working today.
14:04Then why am I hearing his show?
14:07Well, we play The Best of Crane on Wednesdays.
14:10Oh.
14:11Well, would you please ask him to call Portia?
14:14It's really important.
14:15Sure.
14:17And I know it's never going to be easy.
14:20And I know it's never easy, Rachel.
14:23But you and your husband won't get anywhere until you confront your problems head on.
14:35We'll be right back, Seattle, after the news.
14:40Can't dodge her forever.
14:43I won't have to as soon as I have a new agent.
14:46There been any calls?
14:47Nope.
14:48Sorry.
14:49What?
14:50What the hell is going on?
14:53Surely someone be interested in representing me.
14:56I still have a viable career, even if arguably it may or may not be going through what
15:02might be perceived by some as a tiny lull.
15:08There you are.
15:10I was leaving you a note on the windshield of your car.
15:13And I said to myself, his car's here, so he's here.
15:16So why am I leaving a note on his windshield?
15:19Here.
15:24Portia.
15:27I'm sure you're a lovely person.
15:29And I applaud your effort to find a new career, but not at the expense of my own.
15:41But you haven't heard my ideas yet.
15:44Nor will I.
15:45How can I make this any clearer to you?
15:51You are not my agent.
15:53You're not going to be my agent.
15:55Not now.
15:57Not ever.
15:59So go practice on someone else's time and leave me alone.
16:16That was brutal.
16:23Don't worry, Ross.
16:24I'll be OK.
16:30She seems very persistent.
16:33That's not such a horrible thing to have in an agent.
16:36I have no agent at all.
16:38Then let BB win.
16:42You know, that's not such a bad idea.
16:44I don't need an agent.
16:45I can represent myself.
16:47I mean, I have some insight into the human mind.
16:51I think that would be helpful in negotiations.
16:54My god, I should have thought of this sooner.
16:57Just think of the money I could save.
16:59Isn't that what you say when you cut your own hair?
17:04No.
17:06That was just an emotional response to an unruly calic.
17:10OK, fine.
17:12Fine.
17:13So you represent Frasier Crane.
17:16Now what?
17:18Well, for one, I'll do what BB couldn't do.
17:20I'll get Kenny to boost the advertising budget for our show.
17:25Well, you already asked him that, and he said no.
17:27Yes, that was Dr. Frasier Crane asking.
17:29Now it's Agent Crane, licensed to charm.
17:37What is it, Doc?
17:38Is this about promos?
17:39No.
17:40Would you believe this guy?
17:44No, Kenny.
17:45Listen, I've been thinking.
17:46You know, I think it's high time that you and I got together outside of the workplace.
17:52So there's a little club downtown that I go to.
17:57How would you like to join me tomorrow for a little massage, a little steam?
18:06What do you say?
18:07Are you kidding?
18:08I'm front and center with a fistful of singles.
18:14Kenny, it is not that kind of club.
18:17Oh.
18:20Fives?
18:23What is wrong with you?
18:26It's an athletic club with a squash court and a swimming pool.
18:33Right.
18:36Gotcha.
18:38I'm sure you're happy.
18:45You're not going to be spending the next hour sitting bare-ass on some cold steel table.
18:51And neither are you, you big baby.
18:55I'm sorry.
18:56I'd help if I could, Dad, but I swore an oath.
19:03Oh, what this is about?
19:06I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
19:09Good afternoon, Officer.
19:11I didn't do anything wrong, did I?
19:13Actually, son, you made an illegal left turn back there.
19:17Thank you, Dad.
19:19License and registration, please.
19:27You know, Officer, my father here is no stranger to the rules of the road.
19:32Isn't that right, Dad?
19:33Yes, sir.
19:34He is, uh, intimately acquainted with Lady Law, aren't you, Dad?
19:40Just a concerned citizen.
19:44I'll be right back.
19:50Why didn't you flash your badge and get me out of the ticket?
19:53Well, I would have, Niles, but I took an oath, too.
19:56However, if you were to take out that badge, I'd have to do it myself.
20:03Prescription pad?
20:06Are you blackmailing your own son?
20:08I write fast.
20:09There's nothing I can do once you flash that ticket.
20:18Officer?
20:25Yes?
20:26Uh, yeah, Officer, um, I was wondering if maybe you could give my son a break.
20:33Uh, I don't think he'll be doing that.
20:36Well, um, I guess this time I can let it slide.
20:44Drive carefully.
20:45Oh, I will.
20:45Thank you, sir.
20:52Look, I got news for you.
20:56You didn't make an illegal left turn.
20:58That's a buddy of mine.
20:59I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription.
21:07I got news for you.
21:08I just drew you a picture of a dog.
21:23So what'd you think?
21:25Oh, I could get addicted to that.
21:28What was that stuff?
21:30Steam.
21:32Oh, it felt so great.
21:34Everything's great here.
21:36I can't believe I never heard of this place.
21:39They should advertise or something.
21:41You know, speaking of advertising, I think our recent dip in the ratings is due to a lack of
21:48advertising.
21:49What's to advertise, Doc?
21:52Your show's nine years old.
21:54Unless there's some new angle to promote, it's money better spent elsewhere.
21:59Now, if you'll excuse me, I noticed a basket of free combs by the sink.
22:14Dr. Crane.
22:18Paulson, what the hell are you doing here?
22:20This is a private club and a men's locker room.
22:23Get out.
22:24Not until you give me a chance.
22:26Look, I told you I'm not interested.
22:28Hey, Doc, can I borrow your roll-on?
22:31I left mine at home.
22:32Hey!
22:34You must be Kenny Daly.
22:36I'm Portia Sanders, Fraser's agent.
22:38She is not my agent.
22:40I'm naked.
22:42How much are you prepared to increase this man's advertising budget?
22:45Zero.
22:46And again, naked.
22:48Kenny, look, I apologize for this.
22:52Portia, you're leaving.
22:53Not until he hears me out.
22:55Well, forget it.
22:56I'm out of here.
22:57Hey, what are you doing?
22:59Taking your pants.
23:01You'll get them back when I'm finished.
23:04Okay, you're saving a few bucks on advertising.
23:08But with a little investment now, you can make a bundle when we syndicate.
23:13Are you kidding?
23:14Who's going to want to syndicate Fraser?
23:16Hey.
23:17No, no, no offense, Doc, but if you were going to syndicate him, I would.
23:20All right, sit down.
23:22And listen up.
23:35Legs together.
23:42All right, maybe you two don't see the potential for syndication.
23:46But I do.
23:48Sure, the big markets are harder to crack, but we'll start smaller.
23:52KPCD in Medford.
23:54KVAV in Boise.
23:56They're both changing their formats.
23:58After the beginning of the year, they're going to need new programming.
24:01Soon, we'll have a vast and viable audience.
24:05Oh, think of it.
24:06The obsessive compulsive on his tractor.
24:09The bipolar cop on his beat.
24:12The soccer mom seething with rage.
24:15And they're all out there across this great land of ours just waiting for you to help them.
24:19I've always thought that.
24:21Yes.
24:23But I can't do any of this unless you start backing us up with some advertising.
24:28And you.
24:29You've got to be ready to schmooze every station manager from Portland to the other Portland.
24:36I'm hungry for this.
24:38I need you both to be as hungry as I am.
24:42Are you hungry?
24:43I'm starving.
24:46Me too.
24:47Great.
24:48Call my office Monday morning and we'll go over the details.
24:51Sure.
24:57Wow.
24:59That was my very first locker room pep talk.
25:05Mine too.
25:07She took your pants, you know.
25:09I know.
25:09Oh.
25:19Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling.
25:21Toss salads and scrambled eggs.
25:25Quite stylish.
25:27And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:30Well, maybe.
25:31But I got you pegged.
25:34But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:43They're calling again.
25:47Thank you!