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00:29Oh well Mr. Shelley your academic qualifications leave very little to be
00:40desired. Now what did you do after leaving university? I signed on the Doe.
00:47Until you took up employment with the Harper Macintosh advertising agency.
00:52That's right. Yes but what did you do between leaving university and joining
00:55them? I signed on the Doe. Ah but we're talking here of a period of some four
01:00years. Yes. You signed were without employment for four years? That's right.
01:08Now why was that? Well I'm very lazy.
01:14You left university having obtained an excellent degree and a doctorate and then
01:19proceeded to live off the state for a period of four years? Yes. But why? Well I
01:25don't like work very much. Oh. You don't like work very much.
01:30Well in fact I don't like it at all. It must have occurred to you Mr. Shelley that in
01:36searching for a candidate to fill a 12,000 a year post of considerable
01:39responsibility I'm unlikely to consider the obvious choice to be a chronically
01:43lazy layabout with a proven dread of work. Yes well I just thought I'd try
01:47telling the truth this time. Under normal circumstances you're an inveterate liar are
01:51you? Well I do gloss over the unemployed period usually. First interview I had I
01:56cracked on I was suffering from some dreadful unspecified disease. And they
02:00discovered you'd lied? No I lost the job on medical grounds. I mean lies aren't
02:06pleasant they don't work and I'm no good at them so I just thought I'd try to be
02:09frank this time. Doesn't mean it won't work just I don't like it. I mean I know it was a layabout
02:15but I do want to work now. Oh how uncommonly decent of you. Yes well I haven't got this job
02:21have I? No. No. Well I'm sorry I shan't be working here it seems a nice place. I hope you find the
02:28right candidate and thank you very much for seeing. Oh no not at all. I'm only sorry I
02:33can't whistle up a few litter bearers to take you home. I'm not kidding you. I'm sure the only
02:41reason Willie wants to go to Spain is because he knows he can get fish and chips the way he likes
02:45them there. I mean there's no point in being abroad with him. He doesn't want anything that's not
02:50English. Now I mean that time I got him to go to Yugoslavia I managed to get us to eat some of
02:55their food. We had great pancake things stuffed with shredded bloaters and served with red cabbage
03:02and apple. You liked that did you? Well no it was horrible. At least we tried it. What do you do
03:10about tea when you're abroad Mrs H? You're always going on at me about tea you two. I don't have to
03:17have tea. I mean I can go without it you know I'm not an addict. I mean I like it don't say I don't
03:23but I can live without it you know. Well so what do you drink then? Well I do take a bit of tea and a
03:29pot with me I will admit. I mean I don't have to I just might as well. This brochure's just got
03:36nothing but pictures of hotel bedrooms. I mean you're not going to spend much time in the bedroom
03:40are you? You're going to go out and about on holiday. When you are there it's dark. I don't know
03:45and if it wasn't dark I'll be too transfixed by Willie's bronzed vibrant body to notice the
03:52bedroom. What? I said I'll be too transfixed. I heard what you said. That is a book I'm reading
03:59by Ellen Fleetwood. Well it's a load of rubbish but everyone's always being transfixed by bronzed
04:06vibrant bodies. I'm quite enjoying it actually. Oh now that's nice to have when you're abroad. We
04:15never have that at home. What's that? An English breakfast. Hello. Maybe they liked him this time.
04:23Hello love. Hello Mrs H. Hello. How'd it go? Four years out of work? Yep. What do you tell this
04:31one? The truth. What? Well that's stupid isn't it? I mean what do you say I'm a good for nothing
04:37lazy layabout please can I have a job? That's almost exactly what I said yeah. Well you must be stupid
04:44as well as useless then that's all I can say. It's your engaging frankness that I've always found
04:49so endearing about you Mrs H. Well I mean you know I've never met anyone like you. You scrounge off
04:56the state for years. You've got more education than the Prime Minister. You walk out of a perfectly
05:01good job for no reason at all and now you go around telling people the truth. Oh I've got no patience
05:06with you. Well what do you suggest? Well tell them something. Say you are working. I mean you must
05:13know what work is. Must have read about it. Seen it on the telly. It was pretty silly. Yeah well I just got
05:21bored with lying. Hello. Things got so bad we're fleeing the country are we? Mrs H is choosing a
05:28holiday. Easy. India, China or Ceylon. What? So you'll have plenty of tea. Where's your fancy Mrs H?
05:36Well I fancy Africa but there's no chance. Africa? Yes. Where in Africa? Sierra Leone. Otherwise known as
05:46the white man's grave. What made you choose Sierra Leone? Well I didn't but there's a package tour going
05:51there. I wanted to go to Botswana but Willie says it's all mud nuts and witch doctors. Well half of it
05:58is. The other half's the Kalahari Desert. I mean it might be a knockout vacation for David Attenborough but
06:03it'll definitely be a bit short on self-catering chalets, pool cybercardies and crazy golf.
06:09But it's still largely tribal. Nothing made you choose it. Well I saw it on the world we live in.
06:15Mind you I gather the women don't wear any tops there so perhaps Willie will be transfixed by
06:20bronze vibrant wasmames. Pardon? How come you know so much about it? He's got a degree in geography
06:30Mrs H. Oh yeah. Well I am glad you're putting it to such good use. Five years at university at the
06:38taxpayers expense so as you can advise me on the holidays. Strikes me that's a real bargain.
06:43Your tireless devotion to sniping at me Mrs H is worthy at very least of an empire medal.
06:48What's the next interview? The Pickering one. The what? The foreign office. Shelley met this guy
06:54Pickering that we'd both known at uni. A high flyer if ever there was one. And he'd just cancelled an
06:59interview for this foreign office job. So I wangled in at the last minute on his ticket.
07:03I'll never get it though. Why not? I'm looking for somebody slightly more qualified than Lord
07:07Carrington. Well your degree's better than Pickering's. No but Pickering has work Fran. He's got a track
07:13record. Well we've agreed you're going to lie. Yeah well lying's not my strong point. I'd like to know
07:19what is your strong point? Geography Mrs H and that's useful for this job. Okay here's what we do.
07:26Have you still got all your geography books? Well of course. Right. We'll build up those four years
07:32every day of them with something that will be useful and relevant to the foreign office job.
07:36Okay? And then you learn it. Every little detail that'll make it sound good. And then you sell
07:42them the big lie. Eh? What do you say? Could be fun in a way. Yeah okay. Yeah let's have a go.
07:50Can I stay? Of course Mrs H. But it'll be pretty boring for you. Oh no it won't. Sounds to me as if
07:58you're going to have to work. And I wouldn't miss watching that for the world.
08:01Oh no it won't.
08:13Oh no it won't.
08:19Oh no.
08:52Close it down, Mr Pickering.
08:55Oh, you have. Excellent.
08:58What?
09:00I'm so sorry, Mr Pickering.
09:01I thought you were Mr Shelley.
09:04Yes, I am, Mr Shelley. James Shelley.
09:06Why does it say Pickering here?
09:08Um, here are Mr Shelley's papers.
09:11There's nothing on them.
09:13I see. Well, there's not much on them.
09:17Who is Pickering?
09:18You're not Pickering.
09:20I'm afraid not.
09:22Why do I have papers for a Pickering when I'm seeing a Mr...
09:24Shelley. Shelley.
09:26I'm so sorry, Mr Shelley. Not at all.
09:28Um, Mr Shelley's a replacement.
09:30What?
09:31Mr Pickering scratched.
09:33This isn't the 2,000 guineas, Dawney.
09:37So, you've come instead?
09:39Yes.
09:40Mr Pickering withdrew when Mr Shelley's application,
09:43which seemed promising, arrived moments later.
09:45Good heavens.
09:47You seem to have a serendipity for interviews, Mr Shelley.
09:50It would seem so.
09:51Well, that's something in itself.
09:53When choosing his generals,
09:55Napoleon always selected those candidates who were thought to be lucky.
09:58Hopefully, that's the only leaf the Foreign Office will be taking from Napoleon's book.
10:02Well, you're seeing the incisive dynamism of the Foreign Office at its very best.
10:11After only five minutes of searching questions, we have already established your name.
10:15Now, what is the J for?
10:18James.
10:18James.
10:21Of course, if you do find yourself among our number,
10:24Christian name is something you'll have very little need of.
10:26They usually wither away from disuse.
10:29Now, this is Mr Nelson.
10:31How do you do?
10:32How do you do?
10:33Mrs Dawning.
10:35How do you do?
10:35How do you do?
10:36Miss Seton-Curtis.
10:38And I'm Miss Lysia.
10:40Please don't make me an honorary missus.
10:42The last man to call me Miss was posted to a sewage farm on the Bramaputra.
10:49Just plain, James, shall we, is it?
10:51Yes.
10:52Well, that makes a refreshing change.
10:55Names around here are something of a growth industry.
10:58My predecessor gloried in the name of Elizabeth Blanche Hasruble Wozencroft.
11:03I ask you, such a thunderous great albatross of a name.
11:07It was so intimidating that she became known as Woes.
11:10Didn't she, Dawning?
11:11Oh, yes, yes, she did.
11:13Woes.
11:14Of course, she always imagined that she was affectionately known as Woes.
11:17The simple fact of the matter was that nobody here had the breath control,
11:20let alone the stamina, to get to the end of her bloody name.
11:24Point of fact, she was marginally less popular than I am.
11:28Well, let's crack on through the old CV.
11:31Where is the Bramaputra?
11:37Burma and Bangladesh.
11:39Eighth largest river in Asia.
11:41Asia?
11:41Oh, my God.
11:44Now then, school days.
11:46Were you a dayboy, border, or JGSP?
11:50Pardon?
11:51Jumped-up grammar school product.
11:54Oh, jumped-up grammar.
11:56Oh, I see you were red brick.
11:58We live in egalitarian times.
11:59Not in the foreign office, we don't.
12:01You're very highly qualified.
12:07My goodness, yes.
12:10We're not looking for clever buggers, you know.
12:16Mr. Nelson is not one for extended wanderings in the groves of academe.
12:20Now, let's see.
12:23After university, and before you've worked briefly for Harper Mackintosh,
12:28there is this intriguing four-year gap.
12:30That's right.
12:32Which you spent living in a remote village among the Ngatwa tribe of Botswana.
12:38Yes.
12:40Were you completely cut off from civilisation?
12:43Oh, no.
12:43I was constantly bumping into Guardian journalists and BBC Two camera crews.
12:48You spoke the native language?
12:49Only very little.
12:50Wasn't that a problem?
12:51Oh, no.
12:52The natives didn't speak it at all.
12:54The language is so ancient, hardly anyone knows what it means.
12:58There was a bunch of elders who formed a Ngatwa language preservation society,
13:03but they were simply regarded as cranks.
13:05They just sat around in groups making a noise like a hyperactive bottle factory.
13:10But apart from them and a couple of language students from Hunt Stanton on a month's holiday,
13:14it was so much gibberish.
13:17What's the internal power balance in Botswana?
13:19Well, the Democratic parties in government, the major opposition parties are the Peoples,
13:23the National Front and the Independent.
13:25Where did you actually live?
13:27I mean, wasn't the accommodation awful?
13:30Well, the bedrooms were a bit short on fitted sheets and Mary Quant duvet covers, yes.
13:34As a matter of fact, while I was there, I developed an allergy to an insect that lives on the straw they make the beds with,
13:40which caused a lot of trouble at first.
13:42Medical problems are the great difficulty.
13:44Was there no medical provision at all?
13:46Indeed, there was a most elaborate one, but medically, my faith in powdered rat's tails and goat's urine is less than total.
13:54What do the people mainly do?
13:56There's a lot of cattle rearing.
13:58There's a large nomadic population, basically slaves, moving endlessly to where the work is.
14:03But I gather it's a situation we're rapidly approaching in this country.
14:07Ha, ha, ha, ha!
14:13Was it at all civilised?
14:15Or were you absolutely among savages?
14:18Well, while I was there, a chappy was convicted by the village of a serious offence.
14:23He was beaten and his hut burned down.
14:25A traditional punishment.
14:26How dreadful.
14:28What are you driving at?
14:29Well, he promptly went to the European-style court in the nearest city
14:32and sued the elders for malicious damage and grievous bodily harm.
14:36Well, did he win?
14:37Oh, no, the chief was far too wily.
14:39He called all the bottle factory boys as witnesses
14:42and the case was dismissed on grounds of incomprehensibility.
14:46What did you do in this place?
14:48At first, I worked in the villages helping the people restore the baldwins, as they're called.
14:53Baldwins?
14:54Yes, in the 1920s, a great deal of ballhole equipment was installed by the British government.
14:59Each village received a letter with the hardware signed by Stanley Baldwin.
15:04Consequently, all water pumps and taps are referred to as baldwins.
15:09I shan't tell you what a Ramsay MacDonald is.
15:11LAUGHTER
15:12You see, I lost Iphica.
15:27Dear me.
15:28I used to do the whole of Iphica, years ago.
15:34Good heavens.
15:34Oh, yes.
15:35The whole of it, didn't I, Dawning?
15:38Indeed you did, sir.
15:39Then about ten years after Suez, I was taken off it.
15:43Just like that.
15:45Just like that.
15:46No explanation.
15:48Not a word, was the Dawning?
15:51Nothing, sir.
15:52Do you know where I am now?
15:53Uh, no.
15:55Cayman bloody islands.
15:58Dear me.
15:59Cayman islands.
16:01What can you say about them?
16:03Turtle and shark fishing.
16:04Exactly.
16:05And that's it.
16:06You've said it.
16:07Cayman islands.
16:09I know Iphica like the back of my hand.
16:13This place you're in.
16:14Betchy it was.
16:16Betchewanaland, yes.
16:17Until 1966.
16:18Do you get much trouble with bush rats there?
16:24Uh, well...
16:24Beggars cats, aren't they?
16:26Cheeky beggars.
16:28I got quite fond of them, you know.
16:30Oh, I did.
16:32Where exactly were you?
16:34Um, oh, it's a marvellous climate, isn't it?
16:38In the east, were you?
16:39Uh...
16:40Yes, I know it's cold at night.
16:44Oh, I know.
16:45Like an oven all day.
16:47At night, they're all running about like brass monkeys looking for a welder.
16:51Oh, no.
16:57I've got...
16:57I've got...
16:58What a place.
17:00You're not married, Mr Shelley?
17:11Yes.
17:12Ah.
17:13Any children at all?
17:15The one on the way.
17:16Oh, congratulations.
17:18Little girl.
17:19What?
17:21A little girl.
17:22How do you know that?
17:24They do a test.
17:24It's called amniocentesis.
17:26Amni-what?
17:28Centesis.
17:29A small amount of amniotic fluid is drawn off and analysed.
17:32Good heavens.
17:33Well, how do they, um...
17:35get it out?
17:39They use a hollow needle.
17:40Good heavens.
17:42Doesn't it hurt?
17:43Well, I don't speak from personal experience, but I gather not.
17:46Good heavens.
17:48My sister had that, but they wouldn't tell her.
17:50Oh, yes, you have to bully them.
17:51You good at bullying, Mr Shelley?
17:54When I feel in the right of it, yes.
17:55I see.
17:56Oh, provided my opponent is in every way smaller and weaker than I am.
18:00By a comfortable margin, and the fear of repercussion is negligible in that situation.
18:05I'm masterful.
18:06You seem to be outlining Russian foreign policy.
18:11Perhaps I'm outlining foreign policy full stop.
18:13All my past life is mine no more.
18:25Hmm?
18:26Hmm?
18:26The flying hours have gone.
18:30Like transitory dreams, given all...
18:33Transitory!
18:34That's it!
18:36Damn!
18:37Driven me nearly senseless!
18:41Transitory!
18:42Bloody, silly, arty, crafty woman!
18:48Well, that's done it.
18:50Well done, Mr Shelley.
18:53How are you doing, Dorney?
18:56Is, uh, twelve across unbridled?
19:00Unblooded bridled, yes, of course.
19:02Well done.
19:03Thank you, sir.
19:04You're coming on nicely.
19:06Thank you, sir.
19:12Do you know who had the Cayman Islands before me?
19:16This fellow Rogers on the Brahma, what's it?
19:19The fellow put up a black...
19:20Dropped up a...
19:22Put his foot in it with Miss Lysia here.
19:26He had the Cayman Islands, didn't he, Dorney?
19:29He had one of them, sir, yes.
19:32Is there any tribal ritual still?
19:34Well, the customs are almost extinct with regards to the men.
19:38There still are social pressures and customs to subjugate women.
19:41Not unlike this country, in fact.
19:43What exactly...
19:45Um...
19:46What exactly were you doing there?
19:48Apart from unclogging the baldwins.
19:51You see, I never knew they were called baldwins.
19:55Oh, well...
19:55Typical of Africa, that.
19:57Typical.
19:58You couldn't make up a thing like that, could you?
20:00Everyone had said it was too far-fetched.
20:03But there you are.
20:05That's what they're called.
20:06Oh, I've seen those old pumps.
20:09Used them.
20:10I know, bet you.
20:13You say...
20:15You installed an entire plumbing system
20:18off those old boreholes in your first three months?
20:23That's right.
20:24You must have worked like a...
20:25Like a navvy.
20:28Well, I don't mind a bit of hard work when it's called for.
20:31Oh.
20:32Well, good luck to you, then.
20:36Would you care for a Minto, Mr Shelley?
20:43Oh, thank you very much.
20:45I'm very partial to Mintos.
20:47In moderation, of course.
20:49Mr Nelson.
20:49Most kind.
20:51Good morning.
20:53Thank you very much indeed.
21:14You were born in Earlsfield?
21:16Yes.
21:17Where's that?
21:18South London.
21:19The power balance is disputed by the Wandsworth Skins and the Tooting Boot Boys.
21:24What are Botswana's main problems?
21:29Underpopulation.
21:32Exactly.
21:33Underpopulation.
21:34And drought.
21:35And drought.
21:35Those are the two main problems.
21:37Whereas by dint of hard work, one can greatly solve the water situation, the other problem
21:43was, alas, quite beyond me.
21:44What?
21:45Say one thing for you, Mr Shelley, we haven't started the cross-examination yet.
21:54Old Lissier will grill you like an overdone T-bone.
21:58But for this job, you need love of the world, travel, new places, and you're a chap who's spent
22:05four years in Betche working your... your socks on.
22:12Says a lot, doesn't it, Dornin?
22:15Volumes.
22:16Well, I could quite see the need for hard work, Mr Nelson, if you had the whole of Africa.
22:20Oh, I did.
22:21There must have been an enormous amount of work involved in that.
22:25Mustn't there, Dornin?
22:27Oh, yes, indeed.
22:30An enormous amount.
22:31What?
22:36Good heavens, is that the time?
22:38Well, Mr Shelley, I think we've just about covered everything.
22:42Yes.
22:43Oh, well...
22:44We'll be in touch very shortly.
22:46Let you know either way.
22:48Either way?
22:49Whether you're on the short list or not.
22:51Bad news, James, old son.
23:05What's that?
23:07Just come.
23:09Aren't you going to open it?
23:11Oh, yeah.
23:13It's probably for another interview.
23:15Oh, God, I hope not.
23:16I've had two marathons already.
23:18If I ever see another Minto.
23:21No, I reckon this is it.
23:25Hmm.
23:26If it's yes, we could have a holiday.
23:28Fifteen days self-catering in Botswana.
23:32See, I'd like to go there now.
23:33So would I.
23:34Hmm.
23:35See, I will admit, as jobs go, I want this one.
23:39How about I count to three and you open it?
23:44Okay.
23:45I mean, you've got to open it after three or the world will end.
23:47Oh, at least.
23:48Right.
23:48Right.
23:50One.
23:52Two.
23:54Three.
23:55Three.
23:55Three.
23:55Three.
23:55Three.
23:55Three.
23:57Four.
24:14All right.
24:15Tell you what.
24:15tell me what's in the letter first
24:18and then I'll tell you
24:19in this letter?
24:21yes
24:22oh okay
24:25they'd like me to do the job
24:27hooray
24:28well done Shelley
24:32what's the bad news then?
24:34oh yeah
24:35the Ramsey McDonald's blocked up
24:45the Ramsey McDonald's blocked up
25:15the Ramsey McDonald's blocked up
25:21applause
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