Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (baby crying)
00:05 That's a cute baby, I tell you what.
00:08 (baby crying)
00:09 We're trying to have a baby ourselves.
00:11 He doesn't want anyone to know, so I'm only telling complete strangers.
00:16 I might be able to help you out there, may I?
00:19 Oh, it's okay. He is the assistant manager of the trickling propane.
00:25 (baby crying)
00:30 (laughing)
00:32 Uh-huh.
00:33 (laughing)
00:37 Ah, there you go little fella, for that new car smell.
00:43 (baby crying)
00:45 (music)
01:14 (music)
01:19 (bell ringing)
01:21 Fill cup to line.
01:24 Okay.
01:26 (music)
01:32 Negative.
01:34 That's 12 in a row, Hank.
01:38 I think it's time we see a fertility specialist.
01:41 Ah, he's just going to poke and prod my naked nethers. No thank you.
01:47 (music)
01:49 Even if I do get Hank to see the doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.
01:54 Oh, you don't take your clothes off at the doctor's anymore, Shug.
01:58 Anything they need to see, they do it with a new machine called an MRI.
02:02 Hmm. Are you sure they can use it to look at Hank?
02:05 They use it for everything.
02:07 Hank, it's the same technology we use down at the station to predict the weather.
02:11 I thought you used a Doppler radar.
02:13 Oh, Shug. It's the same thing.
02:18 It's called an MRI machine. You get to keep your pants on.
02:23 Dang it, Peggy, how could you tell Nancy we were trying to get pregnant?
02:28 We agreed we wouldn't tell anyone, including family.
02:33 I mean, Nancy's going to tell Dale and--
02:35 Hank, I have been sitting on these eggs for 40 years. They are ready to hatch.
02:40 (music)
02:44 We were hoping that the advances in medicine might help us to overcome the difficulties caused by Hank's narrow urethra.
02:53 And that these advances would mean, uh, you not looking down there.
03:01 That won't be necessary, Mr. Hill. But I do have to measure your sperm count.
03:06 That means we'll need a sample.
03:08 Uh-huh. Huh. Now, is that something you do with a local anesthetic, or will you have to put me under?
03:15 Oh, no. Miss Hill, perhaps you could explain to your husband.
03:20 (music)
03:24 (knocking)
03:25 Uh, uh, busy. Occupied. Occupied.
03:29 It's Dr. Buddha Manjur, Mr. Hill. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable trying this at home?
03:34 No.
03:35 Would you like a magazine?
03:37 Okay. Do you have popular mechanics?
03:42 Miss Hill! What did you tell him exactly?
03:46 (music)
03:48 Well, Mr. Hill, I've got the results of your sperm count back from the lab.
03:53 Come on. Big number. Think big number.
03:57 Uh, the sample you produced shows a count of 8 million.
04:01 (gasp)
04:02 Well, heh, heh, heh. You hear that, Peggy? 8 million. Heh, heh.
04:08 Must have taken 'em a long time to count it. Heh, heh.
04:11 Of course, the average man has a count of 100 million.
04:15 Now, Hank, honey, just because you scored 8 million on your sperm test does not mean you did not give 110 million percent.
04:25 I give you an A for effort.
04:27 (sigh)
04:28 Mr. Hill, research shows that heat lowers fertility.
04:32 One way to increase the number of healthy sperm is to lower the temperature.
04:36 In the house?
04:38 In your pants.
04:39 (music)
04:41 Uh, yep.
04:44 Yep.
04:46 Mm-hmm.
04:47 Yep.
04:48 Yep.
04:49 All right. Hank, maybe nobody else is gonna say anything, but if we were supposed to wear shorts today, I would have appreciated the courtesy of a phone call.
04:57 Yeah, man, it was a damn long time ago.
04:59 I, too, am hurt.
05:01 All right, I didn't mean to upset you. I just found out that my, uh, my jeans are in the wash. Now, who's ready?
05:16 You know, I'm feeling kind of overheated myself. Scoot over, would you, Hank?
05:23 Just so you know, I'm willing to drink beer you sat on. I'm just not willing to reach for it.
05:35 What you doing sitting in a wind tunnel, Hank? You got the prickly heats?
05:39 No, sir, just drying the ink on all the sales orders I wrote this morning.
05:44 Just trying to be polite, son. I saw the insurance forms from your weenie doctor.
05:49 Uh, those forms were supposed to be confidential.
05:53 And employees are supposed to wear pants. But I'm gonna tell if you don't.
05:58 (music)
06:00 Thanks for the tune-up, Earl. So how you fixed for propane?
06:04 Oh, I'm good. Say, I wanted to ask you, Hank, uh, let's see, how should I put this? You ever heard the song "Peaches"?
06:12 Well, let's see, I might be able to think my way through it. Uh...
06:17 (singing) Going to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches.
06:22 Ah, no, that's not the reason I asked. I was thinking about a way to get your count up.
06:26 Oh, God, was Buck Strickland in here?
06:29 No, but the gal who cuts his hair was. Truth be told, Hank, my count used to be nine million, almost as low as yours.
06:37 But the thing that worked for me was peaches.
06:41 Uh, I don't know, I...
06:43 Soaked yourself in peaches three times a day, Hank.
06:46 Well... Peaches.
06:48 (music)
06:52 Well, what'd the test say?
06:54 We won't know for another 20 seconds. But no matter what the result, I don't blame you.
07:01 Sperm counts are dropping all over the world, and I don't blame you for that either.
07:06 Hank, we both worked very hard, and I could feel we're getting closer, honey.
07:11 It is within our grasp if...
07:13 That's 20 seconds.
07:15 Ugh, negative.
07:23 (doorbell rings)
07:25 Dad, what are you doing here? You didn't talk to Buck Strickland's hair stylist, too, did you?
07:34 Nah, not in two years. Thought I'd drop by for a surprise visit.
07:38 Hey, Hank's wife.
07:40 Cotton.
07:41 Deedy woman, hurry up with my bags!
07:43 She ain't fat. I gots her knocked up!
07:58 Well, well, we was using four layers of protection, and my man still got through.
08:04 Please, Dad, there's a child present.
08:07 Oh, she's my wife, Hank. She was there when it happened. Ain't that right, baby cakes?
08:13 Um, if you say so, Cotton.
08:16 Well, oh my, this is, uh, such exciting news. I am very excited now.
08:23 You know, at your age, Cotton, having a child will be such a blessing.
08:27 If it's a boy.
08:29 Well, Dad, I think what Peggy's saying is that it's not very often that a man of 75 fathers a child.
08:37 I mean, when the boy's 18, you'll be...
08:39 I'll be dead past the beans.
08:42 My sources tell me that Hank's the problem. It's very hush-hush. Even his own daddy don't know.
08:49 Yo, man, it don't need no way here for me, man. I'm in the dang old reliable source, man.
08:53 Dr. Rathaven and Budamadak Khadr, man. Ain't no talking about them dang old Chilly Willy, man.
08:58 Good God! Have you gotten fatter, Paddy?
09:02 Sir, yes, sir!
09:04 Colonel, let me be the first to congratulate you on the impregnation of Hank's stepmother.
09:10 Bingo!
09:11 Just think, Hank, if your doctor helps you and Peggy get pregnant, your baby and Cotton's baby can play together.
09:19 Damn it, Bill.
09:20 So, Dad, you must be pretty happy about them executing that woman in Huntsville.
09:26 Hank, has you been having trouble baby-making?
09:29 No.
09:30 Is it 'cause of that skinny pipe in your thingy?
09:33 We're not having any trouble. These things take time.
09:37 I ain't got to know, you reedy. He gets that from his mother.
09:40 Mine's so damn wide, I could pass the child myself if I had to.
09:45 (laughing)
09:50 Peggy, this is very nice of you, but I just feel awkward letting my stepdaughter buy me a crib.
10:14 Oh, no, no, no. We want to. It's our gift to you, because we're so happy for you.
10:21 Yeah, I think you've mentioned that, Peggy.
10:24 Mrs. Peggy Hill, nice to see you again. Still just looking?
10:30 Yes. I mean, no. I mean, well, actually, we are here today to buy a crib.
10:36 Oh, my lord, congratulations!
10:39 I knew you could do it, mister. Oh, and you're already showing.
10:44 What?
10:46 Gather 'round, expectant fathers. Our free diaper-changing seminar is now beginning.
10:52 (indistinct chatter)
10:57 (indistinct chatter)
11:02 (groans)
11:07 (music playing)
11:12 (music playing)
11:17 (groans)
11:22 (music playing)
11:27 (music playing)
11:32 (groans)
11:35 Diddy woman, I need a drink.
11:40 I didn't plan for this.
11:44 You think I planned for this?
11:47 Well, you know how it is. You dim the lights, put a little Andrew Sisters on the phonograph.
11:54 Hey, you likes the Andrew Sisters, Bubba?
11:57 Likes 'em? I loves 'em.
12:00 (burps)
12:01 Next thing you know, your grandmammy's got a biscuit in her oven.
12:07 (groans)
12:09 I'm too old to be having babies.
12:11 We both are, mister.
12:14 Your daddy's the right age to be having babies.
12:17 Poor Hank and Hank's wife. They want another baby real bad.
12:21 Uh, they do?
12:23 Yeah, they flew a doctor in from Calcutta.
12:26 Maybe he'll find a way to get you a baby brother.
12:29 A brother? Baby brother?
12:33 (laughs)
12:35 Mom and Dad are gonna have another kid.
12:39 Guess they wanna get it right this time.
12:42 (groans)
12:44 Dad, are you busy?
12:55 Uh, no, son.
12:57 Just checking the percentage of man-made fibers in these fuel filters.
13:04 Yep, it's 30%.
13:07 That's very interesting.
13:09 You know, I'm very interested in things like that.
13:13 Okay, then, it's settled. You and Mom won't have another baby.
13:20 (groans)
13:22 How'd you find out about that?
13:24 Grandpa told me at the bar.
13:26 It's not fair!
13:28 If I knew this could happen, I'd have worked harder over the years.
13:32 You know, exercise, cut back on the fruit pies,
13:36 gotten a few bees to raise my average.
13:39 Ah, this isn't because you're not good enough. You're great.
13:42 And two of you will be twice as great.
13:45 The only reason I look so good is 'cause there's no competition.
13:50 You have another kid, and I'll look like a failure.
13:54 Believe me, Bobby, you're not the one who should be worried about looking like a failure.
14:02 You're not in competition with anybody.
14:05 Hank, Hank, Hank!
14:07 Cotton's missing. He's run away.
14:09 What? Are you sure?
14:11 Oh, yes. He had me load his bags into the Cadillac car.
14:15 Peggy, my dad got out. We gotta go find him.
14:19 Ooh, Dad!
14:21 Miss Arlen hosts a swimsuit competition. Maybe Grandpa's in there.
14:26 Good thinking, son.
14:29 Bobby, check the parking lot for your Grandpa's Cadillac.
14:32 Okay.
14:35 Ah, look at him, Peggy. Look at him run.
14:39 Makes you realize what a blessing he is.
14:42 He is our miracle child.
14:44 Exactly. And it'd be awfully greedy of us to expect a second miracle.
14:49 So you can see the only sensible thing to do is to stop trying to get pregnant.
14:54 What? Hank, I know you are frustrated, and I know you look dopey in short pants,
14:59 but we both work too hard to give up now.
15:02 We? What have you done? I've been sitting in an igloo.
15:06 You think I like to see that out my kitchen window?
15:09 Well, if you want to keep trying, you can keep trying by yourself.
15:13 Luann, what'd they say at the police station?
15:21 Okay. Grandpa Hill is not a missing person until he's gone for 48 hours.
15:27 But this really nice policeman gave me his home phone number,
15:32 and, well, I'm probably not going to be able to help you look anymore tonight.
15:36 Any calls, Dee Dee?
15:39 Just one. But I let the machine get it because I didn't want to tie up the line.
15:44 Hey, it's me. I hope you all ain't out looking for me,
15:48 'cause if you are, you ain't gonna find me, and I ain't coming back.
15:52 Hank, I need you to raise Dee Dee's baby.
15:56 And Dee Dee.
15:58 Dang it. He could be anywhere from Arlen to who knows where.
16:03 Dad! Dad! We can use Star 69 and find out where he called from.
16:09 Yeah?
16:13 Uh, hello? Who is this, please?
16:16 Who's this?
16:17 This is Hank Hill.
16:18 Yeah.
16:19 Uh, where am I calling?
16:21 Yeah. I'm at the corner of Sierra and Flamingo.
16:23 Sierra? Is that Dallas?
16:26 It's Vegas, Hank.
16:27 Well, that just tears it. He's in Las Vegas.
16:32 Pretty smart of me, huh, Mom?
16:34 I doubt some little baby would know how to dial Star 69.
16:39 All right. If I drive all night, I can get to Vegas by the morning.
16:46 I'll call you when I've found a motel.
16:48 You bring him back, Hank.
16:50 That little ferret thinks he can have it all. A child and a Vegas trip.
16:54 Well, I didn't get either this year.
16:57 Bobby, I'm gonna need you to be the man of the house while I'm gone.
17:00 Sure, Dad. I'll be the man of the house while still fulfilling my duties as the child of the house.
17:07 Hank, my stepson, Cotton is small and sneaky. How will you ever find him?
17:13 I'll tell you how he'll ever find him.
17:16 With the finest mail-order surveillance equipment the Libyans have to offer.
17:21 Not now, Dale.
17:23 Couldn't hear you, Hank.
17:25 But if you were asking if I am a licensed professional bounty hunter, I think this hat speaks for itself.
17:32 Well, all right. I guess I could use some help driving.
17:36 Maybe we can put that thing to some use and sing karaoke to stay awake.
17:42 ♪ Rock and roll, rock and roll ♪
18:08 ♪ Going to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches ♪
18:13 ♪ Are we there yet? ♪
18:19 All right. Now, if we're gonna find him, we need to think like my dad would think.
18:37 Ah, eight topless bars and no cotton.
18:41 Course, you'd be a lot more help if you'd open your eyes, Hank.
18:45 Hank, I'm in love. That was the finest deep-dish pizza I ever tasted.
18:52 The Andrews sisters? I didn't know they were still alive. They're my dad's favorite.
19:03 ♪ Don't sit on the apple tree with anyone else but me ♪
19:08 ♪ 'Til I come marching home ♪
19:13 Thank you, Las Vegas, and good night!
19:18 Excuse me, ladies. That was just wonderful. My dad has all your records.
19:24 And I wonder, coincidentally, if he might have been in here tonight.
19:30 Mm-hmm. He was here. That little firecracker grabbed my rear.
19:35 Heh. Well, he does like the ladies.
19:38 Right. So when he figured out I wasn't really a sister, he started breaking plates. They threw him out.
19:44 Ha-ha!
19:46 Excuse me, folks. Have any of you seen an older man about yea high, possibly shouting obscenities?
19:56 Welcome to my world, pal.
19:59 Oh, how do you do?
20:01 Gimme!
20:04 I'm gonna get you!
20:07 [Gunshot]
20:09 [Gunshot]
20:11 [Gunshot]
20:14 [Gun cocks]
20:16 [Gunshot]
20:18 [Gunshots]
20:29 [Gunshots]
20:36 [Gunshots]
20:39 Don't stand too close to the machines, Hank. The electromagnetic fields could de-fertilize you.
20:54 That's nonsense, Dale. And anyway, Peggy and I have decided to stop trying for another baby.
21:00 Not that it's any of your business.
21:02 Oh, jeez, Hank, you shouldn't give up. I mean, if your dad can have a baby.
21:07 This has got nothing to do with my dad. You know what? I'm tired. I wanna be alone. Why don't you guys go check the poker tables?
21:16 Mm.
21:18 Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you very much.
21:24 What do you have?
21:27 Beer.
21:28 I got honey.
21:29 American.
21:32 [Bell rings]
21:34 Say, do you allow children in the casino?
21:39 No way. No one under 21.
21:42 Huh.
21:44 Hello, Dad.
21:53 Don't you unstrap me! I ain't going back! You can't make me!
21:57 I didn't come here to bring you back. I just came to let you know that I'll look in on Dee Dee and the baby and the new husband.
22:05 What? Who is it?
22:07 I forget his name. Terry or Jerry or something like that. I think he's a dancer at Chippendales.
22:13 Give me his address. I'll gut him!
22:17 Dad, I just made him up. But you see how worked up you got? You still love Dee Dee. Now come on home.
22:26 Ah, I was going back anyway. Not to find me Mr. Terry Jerry and gut him up good.
22:33 So, did you get what's-her-name knocked up yet?
22:37 No. Uh, we've... well, I've decided not to have another child. The whole idea's upset Bobby too much.
22:46 I always knew you was a quitter.
22:48 Well, you're the one who always flips up the board when you're losing to me at checkers.
22:52 I never lost to you! And we haven't played checkers in years. Ow!
22:57 Oh!
22:58 I get it. I got Dee Dee pregnant and you can't with Hank's wife. So you're flipping up the board.
23:06 Yeah, that's right. I'm giving up. You win. You happy?
23:10 Ah, Hank! You ain't in competition with me. Hell, if it's a contest on who's the better daddy, you win. I mean, you made Bobby. All I made was you.
23:24 Uh, thanks, Dad. But what if I keep trying and it... and you know, it doesn't happen?
23:32 Well, then you had the fun of trying, boy. I gots to have that talk with you.
23:39 Sounds good, Dad. Let's go.
23:41 Well, hold on, Hank. Nobody knows you found me yet. What do you say you and me have some fun tonight in Vegas?
23:50 Uh, sure, okay.
23:53 Ain't the hard way.
23:57 Three craps, you lose.
23:59 What?!
24:01 No, Dad!
24:03 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! That was practice! That was practice!
24:12 [music]
24:14 [music]
24:16 [music]
24:19 [music]
24:22 [music]
24:24 [music]
24:27 [music]
24:30 [music]
24:33 [music]
24:36 [music]
24:39 [music]
24:42 [music]
24:45 [music]
24:48 Huh? Uh, busy!