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00:00 Dale are taking Bobby's troop up by the lake for Order of the Straight Arrow this weekend.
00:05 Y'all wanna come for old time's sake?
00:07 Well, of course I'll go.
00:10 I'll never miss an Order of the Straight Arrow.
00:13 Not since ours.
00:15 Yeah, ours was something special.
00:19 Now for the final test.
00:21 The Sky Punt.
00:22 Not gonna sugarcoat it.
00:24 Some of you ain't coming back.
00:27 Those who survive will be honored members of the Order of the Straight Arrow.
00:32 Those who don't will be dead.
00:35 Question.
00:37 Are you ready?
00:38 Yeah.
00:39 You've flunked the test of silence, Eustace.
00:40 Give me a silent stick.
00:41 For the rest of your long, miserable life, you will carry the scar of failure.
00:54 Now go get me a beer.
00:58 And you boys get out there and bag some snipe!
01:02 Snipe!
01:03 Shut up, Dale.
01:06 There is no snipe.
01:09 I heard my dad talking to your dad.
01:11 So what are we doing out here?
01:13 We're gonna get snackered.
01:14 I tell you what, boy, man, I wanna get all messed up and it'll just pollute our minds
01:17 and freak seats and dang old wind, man.
01:24 When I grow up, I'm gonna drink this stuff every day, just like my dad, and fly jets
01:32 and maybe even be an astronaut.
01:34 I'm gonna live in London and be a rich millionaire and have people killed.
01:39 I'm gonna sell propane and propane accessories.
01:43 If my grades are good enough.
01:48 Oh, kids and their crazy dreams.
01:52 I'm so depressed I can't even blink.
01:55 I'm gonna live in London and be a rich millionaire and have people killed.
02:02 I'm gonna sell propane and propane accessories.
02:07 If my grades are good enough.
02:11 Oh, kids and their crazy dreams.
02:15 I'm so depressed I can't even blink.
02:20 I'm gonna live in London and be a rich millionaire and have people killed.
02:24 I'm gonna live in London and be a rich millionaire and have people killed.
02:30 Well, we're gonna make some men out of those 12-year-old boys tomorrow, I tell you what.
02:35 Well, we still get to play practical jokes, right?
02:38 They're not jokes, Bill.
02:40 They're painful lessons.
02:42 I thank my father for all the tricks he played on me.
02:45 He taught me the most wonderful lesson a child can learn.
02:49 Never trust nobody.
02:52 That's how I know Bob Dole's faking that dead arm.
02:56 I tell you what you do, man, that dang old hand of the water trick is gonna work every time, man.
03:00 You just put it in the water like that and it don't--
03:03 It spend a whole dadgum day like that cleaning up that dang old pee-pee.
03:08 Yeah, but those are getting tired.
03:10 We need some new material.
03:12 Dad, can me and Bobby bring life preservers?
03:16 If you wanna be sissies.
03:18 He said yes!
03:20 Hey, Dale, there's your wife's, uh--
03:23 Healer.
03:24 Yeah, John Redcorn. Let's get some funny Indian stuff to do.
03:28 Hey, John Redcorn!
03:30 Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.
03:34 John Redcorn, we've got this Order of the Straight Arrow retreat tomorrow, and I was wondering--
03:39 I'd be honored to look after your wife.
03:42 Oh. Well, gee, thanks.
03:48 But what I was really wondering is if you had some good Indian stuff for the ceremony around the campfire.
03:55 Hmm. Our rituals are considered sacred and are passed down only in the nation.
04:00 Oh, well, that don't bother us.
04:02 Hell no. We'll take a sacred one.
04:04 There is a very ancient ceremony I learned from my grandfather.
04:08 We call upon the sacred wimatanya, and we ask him to breathe life into our spirit bag.
04:14 See, spirit bags, wimatanya, funny-looking headband.
04:20 How the boys are gonna eat this stuff up!
04:23 The spirit bag is very sacred. You should not make light.
04:28 I like how you say everything's sacred. That's funny, too. Let's do that, Hank.
04:34 I got a bunch of ladies' tennis socks we can use for spirit bags.
04:38 I got 'em in a divorce. Now every time she plays, she gets blisters.
04:43 It's been six years, Bill. Don't you think she'd have bought some new socks by now?
04:49 I want to get that straight arrow patch so bad, I'm gonna put it right here, next to my sewing badge.
04:57 It's supposed to be hard. I heard they make you walk on hot coals, and then you have to eat 'em.
05:05 Ew! After you walk on 'em?
05:11 - What? - Hell, that's hot!
05:13 - Hell, you're not kidding. - Pardonne-mé, did I just hear what I almost heard?
05:19 I was gonna say, "Fuh-get about it."
05:23 Son, Peggy Hill knows half a swear word when she hears one. Now go to sleep.
05:29 You have the coolest mom. She smells like miracle whip.
05:35 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Eustace.
05:38 - Hey, Eustace. - Hey, useless.
05:41 All right, Randy. Remember, the purpose of this weekend is to have fun.
05:48 Daddy loves you, whether you get your straight arrow patch or not.
05:52 What a load. Can you imagine how I'd have turned out if my dad had loved me no matter what?
05:59 Thanks for the bus fare, Aunt Peggy.
06:01 Don't be silly, honey. It is very important that you be there for your mama. This is her big day.
06:06 Actually, her big day is the sentencing. This is just the arraignment.
06:11 Here's a fun saver. Take lots of pictures.
06:14 Well, okay. There we go.
06:21 Have a good time. Here's a fun saver. Take lots of pictures.
06:25 Gosh, Peg, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were anxious to see us go.
06:30 Well, that is not true. You and Bobby are my whole life.
06:35 Come on, kids, let's go. Everybody in the car. Turn the light. Now!
06:40 Hold on, boys. Before we go, we have to ask the great spirit, uh, Wumatanya, to watch over us on this trip.
06:50 - Cool. - Wumatanya.
06:53 This trip is about the sacredness of Mother Earth and all she gives us.
06:58 So pee now, 'cause once we're on the road, we ain't stopping.
07:04 - I'll see you Sunday, Peg. - Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Bye-bye.
07:08 Uh, damn it. Looks like we're delayed a couple hours.
07:15 I gotta charge up the battery.
07:18 Pop the clutch, hon!
07:22 ( grunts )
07:25 Wumatanya! Let's buy license plates.
07:43 - I see Texas. Wumatanya! - Wumatanya! There's another Texas. Wumatanya!
07:47 Wumatanya! I see Texas. Wumatanya!
07:50 - Oh, God. - Wumatanya! Texas! Wumatanya!
07:55 - Would you guys just shut up? - He didn't say Wumatanya!
08:00 Boom-hower, pass 'em. I got an idea. Pass 'em up.
08:05 ( crying )
08:08 Wumatanya, ask Mr. Grimble's butt, Wumatanya.
08:11 Give him a little breast ham.
08:19 Wumatanya, I see Texas. Wumatanya!
08:21 All right, that's it. Everybody pile out right now.
08:26 Okay, the 24-hour oath of silence starts now.
08:31 - Here are your silence sticks. - Those are slingeons.
08:35 That's what the white man calls 'em.
08:38 Wumatanya calls them silence sticks to test your spirit of shutting up.
08:43 Each time you talk, I take a bite.
08:46 Talk five times and you're out.
08:49 24-hour silence starting now.
08:52 - Right now? - Bobby, son, you just talked.
09:02 Now, I'll let that pass, but don't talk again.
09:06 Thanks, Dad.
09:08 Son, give me that Slim Jim.
09:13 ( music playing )
09:16 Ow, ow, ow.
09:24 - I'm hungry. - No problem.
09:29 - Mr. Hill, wake up! - Ha! That was a test.
09:37 Joseph, give Mr. Doe Treve a bite of your silence stick.
09:42 Remember, kids, you never know when you're gonna be tested.
09:46 - Now, who else is hungry? - I am.
09:49 Gotcha. Bobby, Randy, Garth, pass your silence sticks up.
09:55 See, kids? It's harder than you think.
09:58 You don't want to end up like Randy's dad.
10:01 My dad's a successful patent lawyer.
10:04 Not in the eyes of Womatanya.
10:07 I'm still hungry.
10:11 - Who wants a dollar, say me? - Me!
10:14 Well, these things are addictive.
10:19 Lord, Bobby, watch out, son.
10:22 You've lost more chas than anybody.
10:25 Now, don't talk no matter what.
10:28 ( crying )
10:31 Womatanya, Mr. Gribble's not wearing his seatbelt.
10:34 Bobby, you just got four in a row.
10:36 One more bite and you can't make straight air.
10:39 I'll take that jerky now.
10:43 Here it is, boys, the great outdoors.
10:49 Thanks to our efforts, we have preserved the nesting areas
10:58 for the Texas spotted owl, the snail darter
11:01 and the endangered whooping crane.
11:03 And we eliminated 300 logging jobs.
11:07 ( applause )
11:09 Right on, man. Right on.
11:12 Also, this note, people, the brown herbal ecstasy is bad.
11:16 Do not, I repeat, do not take the brown herbal ecstasy.
11:20 Thank you all.
11:22 Oh, man, what kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
11:27 Look at that one, bouncing around in front of God and everybody.
11:32 Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?
11:35 Hmm.
11:50 Mm-hmm.
11:56 I'm beginning to think this silence thing is just so we don't bother them.
12:00 They're not testing anything except for how dumb we are.
12:03 It's a hard trick.
12:05 My dad wouldn't trick us.
12:07 ( gasps )
12:09 My dad wouldn't trick us.
12:14 Wematanya!
12:23 Wematanya. Who wants another beer, Wematanya?
12:27 I am Kicking Elk.
12:34 As long as the sacred fire is burning,
12:37 the oath of silence is suspended.
12:39 - ( gasping ) - I'm getting a little thirsty.
12:42 Shut up. I'm talking here.
12:44 We of the Order of the Straight Arrow
12:47 call upon the spirit Wematanya,
12:50 protector of the sacred ground
12:53 that brings us cool water to drink
12:56 and energy-efficient, clean-burning propane gas
12:59 for all our sacred heating and cooking needs.
13:03 Wematanya says respect the earth.
13:06 She's ours by God. Our tax is paid for.
13:10 Also, it says here you gotta love all her creatures.
13:14 Uh, let's see.
13:16 Oh, here we go.
13:18 Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
13:22 you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky.
13:26 With liberty and justice for all,
13:29 Wematanya is with you and with Texas.
13:32 - Amen. - Amen.
13:35 - I'd like a room, please. - Name?
13:42 I am Senora Grasha Ibanez,
13:45 and I will be paying in cash.
13:47 Now we will say the oath of the Order of the Straight Arrow.
13:52 A straight arrow tells the truth.
13:55 A straight arrow loves nature.
13:59 A straight arrow is against Bill H.R. 87
14:04 to allow the importation of South American propane.
14:09 Wematanya!
14:11 And now for the final test, the snipe hunt.
14:15 You are about to come face to face with the deadliest beast in creation.
14:21 Those who survive will be honored members of the Order of the Straight Arrow.
14:26 And those who don't will be dead.
14:30 Oh, Wematanya, protect us on our hunt.
14:34 All right, this here's your whoop-ass stick
14:37 to beat the snipe back in case he comes at you.
14:40 What does a snipe look like?
14:43 It's got red glowing eyes, long crooked teeth,
14:47 a claw and a tail with another claw on the end.
14:51 - Eee! - Easy, Dale.
14:54 Bill and I will take the lead. Boomhauer and Dale will bring up the rear.
14:58 Remember, the snipe call is this.
15:01 Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.
15:05 Well, call him out, boys. He's not just gonna show up.
15:12 - I think I hear him. - Look out, Bill. He almost got you.
15:16 - Hoo! - He-he-he.
15:18 Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.
15:21 Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.
15:24 They'll be out there another hour, then we'll go get 'em.
15:28 Boy, this takes me back.
15:31 - Aaaaah! - I got one! I got one!
15:36 What the... What are you talking about?
15:40 Oh, my Lord, that's a whooping crane.
15:44 Hmm. There's only five of those left in the world.
15:48 Well, four now.
15:50 Then we should be thankful we got the opportunity to see one.
15:54 Now you done it. Now you really gone and done it.
16:03 What do you mean, "you"? We're all in this together.
16:06 Whoa, no. Me and Boomhauer came on our own trip and in our own conveyance.
16:12 You and I may be acquainted, but we are not traveling companions.
16:17 I'm merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky sack.
16:21 Dale, I'm gonna need you to give me the keys now.
16:25 I can't believe it.
16:30 It wasn't your fault, Bobby.
16:32 You thought it was a snipe. We all did.
16:35 It was, but we and Metanya turned it into a whooping crane...
16:40 so I could live to get my straight arrow badge.
16:44 Bobby, don't you get it?
16:47 Your dad made all that up.
16:50 There's no such thing as a snipe.
16:52 No! My dad is the arrow leader.
16:56 He speaks only with honor.
16:59 We'll ditch the carcass by the interstate in the morning.
17:03 Now let's just go to sleep.
17:05 Yes. Yes, we'll all just go to sleep now.
17:10 Bill, get his pants and shoes.
17:12 Okledoke.
17:14 Sir!
17:20 Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.
17:24 I'm with the forestry service and we're looking for a man named Bill.
17:28 Forestry service? And we're looking for a missing whooping crane.
17:31 Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
17:33 And well, you see the birds tagged with a little transmitter...
17:36 and I've tracked it to within ten yards of your campsite.
17:39 You haven't seen it, have you?
17:41 A whooping crane in these parts?
17:44 I think I would have noticed something like that.
17:47 They're pretty rare, aren't they?
17:49 Oh, yes. Very rare and beautiful.
17:52 Sir, do you know anything about this?
17:55 Yeah, man. I'll tell you what. There was one of them snipers last night...
17:58 man, with them sticks and a bag and a whack-whack, man.
18:01 He'd go "Woo-loo!" talking about that big mistake, y'all.
18:04 It's right there in that cooler.
18:07 Well, if you do see anything, you can contact the ranger station.
18:11 How about you boys?
18:13 Well, yeah, we saw...
18:15 They can't talk for 24 hours.
18:18 Order of the straight arrow, you know?
18:20 Gotcha. I was in the order myself.
18:24 Ah, the straight arrow hasn't changed a bit since I was a boy.
18:29 We gotta get rid of this bird.
18:32 What the...
18:33 We metania. We metania. We metania.
18:38 Bobby, Kripes, put that thing down.
18:41 Stop fooling around. We've got to bury that thing fast.
18:44 We can't just bury it, Dad, remember?
18:47 We metania wants us to honor the bird's sacred spirit.
18:51 And we will do just that in the dumpster behind Stucky's.
18:55 Now let's get out of here before someone sees us, okay?
18:59 Murderers!
19:03 I have got to tell the ranger.
19:05 Brock.
19:16 Grasha.
19:18 I almost could not get away.
19:20 Amigo, it is time for some new zappatas.
19:23 Or shoes, as you say in your country.
19:26 Senora, I have an Italian mock alligator you are going to love.
19:31 A size 16 for Senora Ibanez.
19:34 Cripple E.
19:36 Brock, you are a genius.
19:38 Now this is why I come to Lubbock's Very Big Shoes.
19:41 I'll have Chuck and Buzz carry the box out to the car for you.
19:45 I saw him waving it over his head really proud.
19:47 Uh-huh.
19:48 I also heard that they were hunting snipe last night.
19:51 There is no snipe.
19:53 My God, how many more species have to be wiped out before we learn?
19:58 Easy, easy. Don't draw attention. We're almost there.
20:02 We're going to make it.
20:03 What's that flapping sound?
20:05 Taste the wind one last time, bird spirit.
20:09 Bobby!
20:16 There they are, the nature haters. Let's get them.
20:19 Pull over right here by that culvert.
20:42 Well, we can't stuff this bird in here. It'll never fit.
20:46 You could eat it.
20:47 Damn, and I filled up on silent sticks.
20:51 Brother bird, I have given you a last flight and made my peace with you.
20:57 I release your spirit to Wimitanya.
21:01 Woo, loo, loo.
21:03 Woo, loo, loo.
21:05 Son, would you please knock it off? You're driving me nuts.
21:09 There is no Wimitanya.
21:11 It's just some damn nonsense we made up to fill out the weekend.
21:16 Tell him, Dale.
21:17 How do you know my name, crane killer?
21:20 I never met any of you people before in my life.
21:24 Tell him, Bill.
21:26 He's right, Bobby. It's all a crock.
21:29 Those spirit bags of yours are just Mac's wife's old socks.
21:32 And by the way, I want them back.
21:35 So, everything you said was all a lie?
21:39 Yes, that's the secret of the snipe hunt. That's the whole point.
21:44 Oh, I get it. I guess.
21:50 Bobby, I didn't mean to let you down. I just...
21:54 When Dale and Bill and Boom Hauer and me went through this as kids,
21:58 all the tricks and lies from our dads, they were part of the experience.
22:04 It brought us all together. You know, us against them.
22:08 I don't want to be against you. You're my dad.
22:12 We're supposed to be on the same team.
22:15 Of course we're on the same team. You and me.
22:19 And now Team Hill is going to bury that whooping crane together
22:23 and get out of this park without getting caught.
22:26 There they are.
22:31 Sir, you lied to me, you lied to this little boy,
22:35 I don't know what you did to this gentleman in his underwear.
22:39 I'm going to have to take you into the ranger station.
22:43 Son, hand me the bird body. I need it for evidence.
22:55 It's a miracle.
22:57 Well, I'll be damned.
22:59 Wee Matanya.
23:03 I guess knocking a crane unconscious isn't a crime.
23:07 Although it's probably not good for them.
23:10 You're free to go.
23:21 I knew you wouldn't lie to me, Dad.
23:24 That was just the final test.
23:27 Wee Matanya does exist.
23:30 The bird was just unconscious, Bobby.
23:33 No, it was dead until I made Wee Matanya bring it back to life.
23:39 I'm a shaman.
23:41 God, my head hurts.
23:43 I can heal you, Dad.
23:46 Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
24:14 Welcome home, boys. Did you have fun?
24:17 Don't ask.
24:19 How was your weekend?
24:21 Oh, same old, same old.
24:23 Did you do some shopping?
24:25 Mm-hmm, yeah. I bought a microwave.
24:28 Boy, I tell you what, this family goes through microwaves quicker than most people go through shoes.
24:35 Yeah.
24:36 Mm-hmm.
24:36 [BLANK_AUDIO]