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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 [SOUND]
00:30 [MUSIC]
00:36 >> Look, here's a few more pictures of a certain yearbook editor's boyfriend.
00:45 Look at this one of me with a french fry up my nose.
00:48 >> That's okay Bobby, I already have your class photo.
00:52 >> That's it?
00:54 But I'm a sure bet for class clown.
00:56 Shouldn't that get me some coverage?
00:59 >> The PTA said we can't do the eighth grade poll anymore.
01:03 >> What?
01:04 Why not?
01:05 >> Last year's worst dresser turned out to be really poor.
01:08 >> Class clown was my ticket to immortality.
01:13 Now I'm no different from any other kid.
01:17 I'm like a Stu Harriot or a Mike Soto.
01:21 >> Actually, Mike is president of the Junior Volunteers Club.
01:24 >> So in 20 years, everyone will remember Mike Soto bowling with blind kids.
01:33 >> But Bobby Eel's talking tummy will be long forgotten.
01:37 >> Where's the justice?
01:40 [MUSIC]
01:47 >> Have you seen my duct tape?
01:49 Not the shiny silver, but the matte gray.
01:53 Hey, that's my old Landry Lantern.
01:55 >> Dad, do you realize you're in ten photos not counting your class photo?
02:01 >> Yeah, that sounds about right.
02:03 Hey, there's Cleve Worthington and Don Postley back when he had all his fingers.
02:11 And Dub Taylor, he was the best mascot Arlen's ever had.
02:15 What a wild man.
02:16 [LAUGH] And all the nicknames we had for him.
02:21 Daffy Dub, Rubba Dub Dub.
02:24 [LAUGH] I guess those were the only two.
02:31 >> Dad, I was thinking of taking some blind kids bowling.
02:35 >> Bobby, that's not funny.
02:37 [MUSIC]
02:42 >> The bake sale was a big success,
02:45 raising enough money to buy a new pewter baton for moi.
02:49 Give yourselves a big hand.
02:51 >> [APPLAUSE] >> And hats off to Mike Soto for
02:55 spearheading that.
02:56 >> [APPLAUSE] >> That kid's a machine.
02:59 >> Mr. Grandy, you're looking at your next Landry Longhorn.
03:06 >> What makes you think you've got what it takes to wear the horns?
03:09 >> I'm a cut up, I'm a clown.
03:12 I'll do anything for attention, remember?
03:15 That's why you kicked me out of chorus.
03:18 >> Triads will be after school on Wednesday, and I want all pep, no filler.
03:24 And remember, you'll be performing for a man who's seen a lot of pep in his day.
03:30 A lot.
03:30 [MUSIC]
03:34 >> My name is Bobby, I like to party.
03:38 And if you don't believe me, watch me shake my body.
03:42 >> Bobby.
03:43 >> [SOUND] >> Dad.
03:45 >> That mirror is for practicing golf swings in, not your prop comedy.
03:51 >> I'm coming up with stick for the longhorn auditions.
03:55 >> You're going out for the Landry Longhorn?
03:58 So you're not prancing around the garage at all, you're training.
04:02 >> Yeah, but I need an angle, a hook,
04:07 some kind of baffo gimmick to set me apart.
04:11 >> Well, how about your own set of horns?
04:14 I bet I could rig something up.
04:16 >> Dad, you would build me a prop?
04:22 >> In this case, son, yes I would.
04:25 [MUSIC]
04:30 >> The dang Mike Soto, where does he find the time?
04:34 [MUSIC]
04:38 I'll give him this, he is flexible.
04:41 >> This is really heating up.
04:46 Next victim, Bobby Hill.
04:48 >> [SOUND]
04:55 >> Would you like Arlen fight, fight, fight, or we are the Landrymen fight, fight, fight?
05:00 >> Thank you, sir, but I brought my own tape.
05:03 >> Fine.
05:04 Boston.
05:10 [MUSIC]
05:20 >> [LAUGH]
05:30 >> Please hold your applause.
05:42 [MUSIC]
05:52 >> [APPLAUSE]
06:02 >> Good night, Tom Landry Middle School.
06:18 [SOUND]
06:28 >> Bill Doughtry.
06:32 Hey, I'm talking on it right now.
06:39 Yeah, I'll talk to you later, bye.
06:44 That was Jimmy.
06:45 You guys told me the phone.
06:48 >> I did it, dad.
06:51 I'm the long horn.
06:53 >> Way to go, Bobby, that's great.
06:56 >> Way to go, Bobby, that's great.
06:59 >> Now we're both part of the Arlen football tradition.
07:04 Long horns.
07:06 >> [LAUGH] And look at that, it's still got all the rips and tears.
07:11 Boy, you can almost hear all those years of McMainerberry's whoopings.
07:16 This calls for a special dinner.
07:19 I'm gonna go tell your mother to make us a special dinner.
07:23 >> McMainerberry whooping, that's like whoop, whoop, whoop, right?
07:30 >> No, whooping as in the big beat down, as in half time hammering,
07:35 as in the McMainerberry mascot massacre, as in-
07:39 >> Am I missing something?
07:41 >> Whenever Arlen is winning, it's a tradition for the McMainerberry band
07:46 to charge the long horn and give him a pounding.
07:49 >> It's a real crowd pleaser.
07:51 >> Yeah, man, did your dad used to like scoring the touchdown that got Dub Taylor pounded?
07:58 >> Really?
08:00 Maybe McMainerberry will take an early lead and hold it for the rest of the game.
08:06 >> Yeah, that could probably happen.
08:10 >> Yeah, and maybe I'll file a federal income tax return.
08:17 That goes in my big book of "so there's."
08:27 >> If I get a good action shot of you, I'm willing to dump the Model UN spread.
08:32 >> Who cares? McMainerberry's gonna kill me.
08:35 I'm a lover, not a- I'm not even a lover!
08:39 >> But then wheel that costume back down to Grandy's office
08:42 and tell him to find himself another punching bag.
08:45 >> Woman, I can't get out of this.
08:47 Imagine telling your dad you were quitting violin.
08:51 >> Ugh, I do, all the time. I hate that violin.
08:56 [music]
09:06 >> And that's the end of the first quarter.
09:09 McMainerberry leads 10 to 7.
09:12 So the Longhorn is safe for now.
09:16 [applause]
09:19 >> Berry!
09:20 >> Berry!
09:21 >> McMainer!
09:22 >> McMainer!
09:23 >> Berry, McMainerberry!
09:25 >> Berry!
09:26 >> Berry, McMainerberry!
09:28 >> Ain't tough, McMainerberry.
09:33 >> Longhorn!
09:36 >> Cheer up, Keegan. No shame in losing to a better team.
09:41 >> Hey, those McMainerberry scrubs are going down, buddy.
09:44 You better get ready for a whoopin'.
09:46 >> Oh, yeah, totally.
09:48 I hope we beat 'em so bad I get two whoopins.
09:52 Yes.
09:57 >> One more Arlen touchdown, your boy gonna be pinata for marching band.
10:02 Man, is that gonna be sweet.
10:04 >> That's funny.
10:06 Oh, come.
10:07 Who is that taking pictures of your daughter taking pictures of Bobby?
10:11 No one.
10:12 That's who.
10:13 >> Oh, ha, ha.
10:14 Going to back sneak.
10:15 Caught them with their pants down.
10:17 >> Hey, touchdown!
10:20 Arlen take lead, Arlen take lead.
10:24 >> It's all good.
10:26 It's all good.
10:40 >> Oh, Hank, tell me what's going on.
10:42 I can't, I can't watch.
10:49 >> Ah!
10:52 >> Oh.
10:54 >> Hey, hey, Bobby Hill get back here.
10:57 >> Wait, no, no.
10:58 This is some kind of comedy bit.
11:01 He's gonna turn around any second.
11:05 Maybe he's just going to the car to get a...
11:08 Ah, he's gone.
11:16 I'm not surprised McMaynor Barry won after that happened.
11:21 God, I needed to use the restroom, but I couldn't face the guys at the trough.
11:28 There he is.
11:44 >> Whether people were bowing or cheering, you got a reaction, and by golly, that's what counts.
11:56 They should call Bobby the lame horn.
12:02 What's he gonna do for the big game against Belton?
12:05 Show up in a chicken suit?
12:07 Bok, bok, begok.
12:14 >> I've got to take my mind off of this.
12:17 I'm going to treat myself to the hardware store.
12:20 >> Hank, quarterback Keegan Evans' dad runs the paint shaker.
12:25 >> Oh.
12:34 >> Oh, well, at least they toned it down.
12:38 On the bathroom wall, they went after my family.
12:41 >> Don't worry, Bobby.
12:43 Even with all the letters, I won't take your class picture out of the yearbook.
12:50 >> Nurse Jannings?
12:52 >> Pick 'em up.
12:57 I said pick 'em up.
13:07 >> Bobby, I'm going to need you to turn in your keys and your horns.
13:10 My office, five minutes.
13:30 >> Long horns!
13:36 >> I understand you're just a kid.
13:38 At the same time, what you did at the game was the most shameful act of cowardice I've ever seen.
13:44 >> Sir, please, I was born to wear the horns.
13:48 You can't take them away from me.
13:50 I've got a plan, a great plan, and it's going to work.
13:54 >> Yeah, what's the plan?
13:56 >> I can't tell you.
13:57 >> Why not?
13:58 >> It's a secret.
14:00 >> Oh.
14:01 I do love secrets.
14:04 >> You came to see me?
14:09 Hang on.
14:14 State your purpose.
14:16 >> Mr. Gribble, what would you say if I told you I am going to steal the belt Normandillo tonight?
14:24 >> I would say you're a madman.
14:27 Or a genius.
14:29 Maybe a little of both.
14:31 I'll go 60/40.
14:33 >> I need someone who knows alarms, and you've got the most in the neighborhood.
14:37 >> Ever since those swaggering Boucher brothers stole the Armadillo back in '76,
14:42 Belton's been keeping it under pretty tight security.
14:46 That middle school is impregnable.
14:48 Cannot be pregnated.
14:51 Except by me.
14:53 But I don't come cheap.
14:55 >> I don't have a lot of money.
14:57 >> Fine, I'll come cheap.
14:59 You got five bucks?
15:00 >> I can get four.
15:01 >> I'm in.
15:05 >> Do you need any help?
15:07 >> With what?
15:16 >> It just seems that every time that Julia Roberts is on TV, it is only to yap about her movie.
15:22 >> Well, I'm headed over to Keegan Evans' house.
15:26 >> Really?
15:27 But his dad said he hated you.
15:30 >> For what?
15:31 The running away thing?
15:33 That's ancient history.
15:35 Some of the guys from the team are sleeping over, so you won't see me or hear from me until the game tomorrow.
15:43 >> Well, that's great.
15:45 Now, don't let them tease you too much.
15:47 Remember, you're the mascot, not the place kicker.
15:50 >> Hey, Dad, I was thinking, maybe you want to invite Dub Taylor to the game.
15:56 >> Dub Taylor?
15:57 Are you sure?
15:59 >> I want you to hear from him that I'm the best mascot since he wore the horns.
16:21 >> Steady, steady.
16:24 >> What's going on?
16:26 >> Shh, shh, shh. I'm reading lips.
16:30 There's four kids in there, and tough ones, too.
16:33 >> Don't you have some poisons in your truck you can pump in there to make them fall asleep?
16:38 >> I do, but the amount of poison that can put four kids to sleep might also kill an armadillo.
16:45 And the kids might not wake up.
16:47 >> Well, how are we going to get the dillo away from four kids?
16:51 >> We're lucky.
16:53 You're the one they call "dude."
16:56 There used to be eight guardians.
16:58 The other four went to steal the longhorn costume, where they will run into, what,
17:04 two dozen of the baddest-ass eighth graders protecting the costume?
17:08 >> But I didn't... nobody said anything about...
17:11 >> Please tell me you at least put up a maze of mirrors to thwart the would-be costume rustlers.
17:18 Broken glass?
17:20 Or slick?
17:23 Piece of string?
17:25 >> Oh...
17:27 >> Go, go, go! You save the costume. I'll find a parking space.
17:33 >> Phew!
17:48 [Glass shattering]
17:50 [Glass shattering]
17:57 >> Go away! The longhorn is heavily guarded!
18:03 >> Oh, who's that? Bobby who? Oh, come on, guys. We better go.
18:08 [Groaning]
18:16 >> Bill, it's Dale. Guess who's got your cell phone?
18:22 >> Oh! Mr. Rebel, help!
18:28 >> How? Be specific, Bobby. I'm not a mind reader here.
18:34 >> They're breaking down the door!
18:36 >> Ahh!
18:38 >> Wait for me!
18:40 >> Why don't you just run away like you did at McMaynorberry?
18:44 >> Or you could stay and take the beating you missed out on.
18:48 [Laughing]
18:50 >> Yeah!
18:52 >> What a coward.
18:56 >> It's too bad. I wanted to give him a beating!
19:01 [Laughing]
19:03 >> Peanuts! Get your peanuts!
19:11 >> I think I see Bobby! I... Oh, wait. No, no. That's a smudge on my glasses.
19:18 Hank, look at this smudge. It looks just like Bobby.
19:21 >> Hey, Daffy Dub! Over here! You old son of a gun, how was the drive?
19:28 >> This stinkin' crowd is dead! What is this, God dang Wimbledon?
19:33 Here we go, longhorns! Here we go!
19:36 >> What'd I tell you about Dub?
19:38 >> That he has a lot of pep.
19:41 >> That's right.
19:43 >> We are the Landry Men! Fight, fight, fight!
19:47 [Horn blaring]
19:49 >> You got any face paint?
19:53 >> Uh, Peggy's got lipstick.
19:55 >> Oh, my God! It's Peggy Platter from West Arlen! West Arlen sucks!
20:01 >> Oh!
20:03 >> Well, isn't this ironic? The best longhorn ever and the father of the worst longhorn ever.
20:11 I say that because Bobby was guarding the longhorn costume last night and some kids came to steal it and he turned tail and ran.
20:20 >> That's impossible. Bobby was sleeping over at Keegan Evans' house.
20:24 >> The sleepover was a cover story. I was with him.
20:27 We were trying to steal the Belton Armadillo and long story short, you raised a coward.
20:33 >> Oh, God.
20:35 >> What, you were with him? Well, where is he? Where's my baby boy?
20:38 >> Don't worry, Peggy. He probably camped out in some bushes.
20:43 No, that takes guts. He probably spent the night at Denny's.
20:47 >> I drove all the way from Pensacola for this?
20:51 I came here for a football game, not a soap opera!
20:54 >> Hey, Landry losers, where's your longhorn?
20:58 >> No!
21:01 >> Our mascot sucks!
21:04 >> That's it!
21:06 >> Let's get out of here before Dub gets back.
21:09 >> How many days is he staying with us?
21:12 >> Three.
21:23 >> Man, I didn't become a cheerleader to guard a trash can.
21:28 >> Ouch, ouch, ouch! I want to sleep, I want to sleep!
21:38 >> Okay, Mr. Crackers, nice and easy. Nobody gets hurt.
21:46 [Music]
21:56 >> If anyone yells "There's Bobby Hill's parents," just start to look around saying "Where, where?"
22:03 >> Oh, no! Security!
22:12 [Music]
22:17 >> This way!
22:20 [Music]
22:25 >> A, B, D, L, C, O, and that's our shit! B, D, L, C, O, and go, go, go! B, D!
22:36 >> There you are! All right, kid, step slowly towards me and surrender, Mr. Crackers.
22:43 >> Yeah, that's right, they'll rip you apart!
22:49 >> Hey, you bell losers, look what I found!
23:00 >> Bobby?
23:02 >> Bobby Hill got the dillo! Uh-huh, uh-huh!
23:08 >> Check it out, Peggy, Bobby's got Mr. Crackers. Bobby's got Mr. Crackers. Bobby's got Mr. Crackers.
23:16 >> Yeah!
23:17 >> Bite it! Bite its face off! Get him!
23:22 >> You can't catch this!
23:25 >> Yeah, yeah!
23:27 >> Hey, Bobby Hill, long porch! Wonderful!
23:34 >> All right, Bobby, way to go, son!
23:43 >> Bobby just started a new tradition. Now we have the McManor Berry whooping and the Belton beating.
23:55 >> What a great time to be a Longhorn.
24:00 >> Ah!
24:03 >> Ah!
24:05 >> Ah!
24:08 >> Ah!
24:11 >> Ah!
24:14 >> Ah!
24:17 >> Ah!
24:19 >> Ah!
24:21 >> Ah!
24:23 >> Ah!
24:25 >> Ah!
24:52 We are the Landry-