• 5 months ago
Transcript
01:00Hello? Can you hear me?
01:02Oh, no, of course not.
01:04I haven't engaged your verbal systems.
01:07Crichton!
01:10Crichton, what are you doing, man?
01:11I've just repaired the toaster, sir. Well, I've nearly repaired the toaster.
01:14Oh, no, man. Dismantle him. You don't know what a little bleeder's like.
01:17Well, I've read all the documentation, sir.
01:19He's simply a talking alarm clock who provides his owner with early morning toast and light conversation.
01:24Not this one. This one's mental.
01:25Sir?
01:26He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. He's obsessed with it.
01:31And if you don't want to eat, like, 400 rounds of toast every hour, he throws a major wobbler.
01:35That's what caused the accident in the first place.
01:37What accident?
01:38The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14-pound lump hammer.
01:43That explains why he was down in the garbage hole in 3,000 separate pieces.
01:47And another reason. He always says, howdy doodly do.
01:50Drive as you spare. I mean, what does smeggers howdly doodly do mean?
01:54Well, just trust me, sir. My motives will become clear.
01:58Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie. Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion.
02:05Talkie's the name, toasting's the game.
02:08Anyone like any toast?
02:09Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast.
02:12In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.
02:17How about a muffin?
02:18Or muffins. Oh, we don't like muffins around here.
02:21We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels,
02:27no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot cross buns
02:32and definitely no smegging flapjacks.
02:36Ah, so you're a waffle man.
02:40See, you see what he's like? He winds me up, man. There's no reasoning with him.
02:44If you'll allow me, sir, as one mechanical to another, he'll understand me.
02:47Now, now, you listen here.
02:49You will not offer any grilled bread products to any member of the crew.
02:54If you do, you will be on the receiving end of a very large polo mallet.
03:00Can I ask just one question?
03:02Of course.
03:03Would anyone like any toast?
03:06Didn't you hear what I just said?
03:07Yes, but I thought you might have changed your mind in the meantime.
03:10You see, you see what he's like. We haven't changed our mind.
03:13No toast.
03:14But I'm a toaster. It is my raison d'etre. I toast, therefore I am.
03:19If you don't want any toast, why did you repair me, hmm?
03:22Why did you repair him?
03:23He's a guinea pig for a technique called intelligence compression.
03:26His A.I. chips are very badly damaged in the accident.
03:29Well, that was no accident. That was first-degree toaster-cide.
03:32Just shoot your grill.
03:35By rerouting his circuitry and channeling all his runtime through a single CPU,
03:39I've managed to restore his intelligence at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan.
03:45So?
03:46So, if it works with him, it could work with Holly.
03:48We could restore her I.Q. of 6,000. She could be brilliant again.
03:53You really think this can work?
03:55You really think that airhead of a computer can become a genius again?
03:58Well, with no disrespect to Holly, sir, it can hardly make her worse.
04:02Right. If we can just teach her to count without banging her head on the screen, it's going to be an improvement.
04:07Computer senility. It's such a weird condition.
04:10I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from this same affliction.
04:14His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him Ramesses Niblick III.
04:19Kerplunk, kerplunk, whoops, where's my thribble?
04:23A sad case.
04:24Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea.
04:27They knew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled.
04:31Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.
04:37And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people?
04:40Absolutely. That's why there's no Eskimo word for Eastbourne.
04:45We can pull this off, man. If Holly can get her brains back, she'll be able to do anything.
04:49Invent a hyperdrive, get us back to Earth.
04:51If Earth still exists. And if it does, it's very doubtful the human race will have survived.
04:56All right, then, a time machine.
04:57She can invent a time machine and we can all pick whatever period in history she wants to live in.
05:01Well, it'll be the 19th century for me.
05:04One of Napoleon's marshals.
05:06The chance to march across Europe with the greatest general of all time and kill Belgians.
05:12Wow.
05:13What about you, Crisis?
05:14Well, if I could go anywhere, absolutely anywhere at all in time,
05:18I think I'd probably choose to go back to a week last Tuesday.
05:23Why?
05:24Don't you remember? I did all the laundry and then we watched TV.
05:28Wow, we won't see the like of those sort of days again.
05:32How long now?
05:33Nearly there, Holl. Just a couple of minutes to load the circuits and, I don't know, maybe a minute to finalise the connection.
05:40That's just three minutes, then.
05:42Better get down to the science room.
05:44We better pray to God this works.
05:47That ion storm has really done her head in, man.
05:52There's the signal. Everything's set.
05:53Well, let's just hope you don't get an overload.
05:55What happens if I do get an overload?
05:57You'll explode.
06:01It's coming, I can feel it.
06:24Strike a light, I'm a genius again.
06:28I know everything.
06:29Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being, everything.
06:33Ask me a question, any question and I'll answer it.
06:35Any question?
06:36Yes.
06:37How to break the speed of light?
06:38How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics?
06:40Any question at all?
06:42Truly anything and you will answer?
06:44Yes.
06:45Okay, here's my question.
06:46Would you like some toast?
06:50No, thank you.
06:51Now ask me another.
06:52Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?
06:55I know everything there is to know about chaos theory in predicting weather cycles.
06:58Oh, very well.
06:59Here's my second question.
07:01Would you like a crumpet?
07:05I'm a computer with an IQ of 12,000.
07:08You don't seem to understand.
07:09I know the meaning of the universe.
07:12That is not answering my question.
07:14No, I would not like a crumpet.
07:16Ask me a sensible question.
07:18Preferably one that isn't bread related.
07:21Very well.
07:22I have a third question.
07:24A sensible question.
07:26A question that will tax your new IQ to its very limits
07:29and stretch the sinews of your knowledge to bursting point.
07:32This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?
07:35Certainly not.
07:36And I resent the implication that I'm a one-dimensional bread-obsessed electrical appliance.
07:41I apologise, toaster. What's the question?
07:43The question is this.
07:46Given that God is infinite and that the universe is also infinite,
07:52would you like a toasted tea cake?
07:55That's another bready question.
07:57It's not just bready. It's quite currenty, too.
08:01Ask me a question that is wholly unbready and not even slightly currenty.
08:05OK.
08:06Why have you got an IQ of 12,000 when it was supposed to return and level out at 6?
08:11Good question.
08:13There was a miscalculation.
08:15My IQ has doubled but my life expectancy has been exponentially reduced.
08:18So what is your life expectancy?
08:20345 years.
08:22Well, it's better than a kick in the bread tray.
08:25What's the decimal point?
08:27You have only 3.41 years left to live.
08:31That's not years. That's minutes. 3.41 minutes.
08:33Well, here's my next question. What the smeggy are you going to do?
08:36I'm going to conserve my remaining rung time.
08:38I'm going to switch myself off.
08:40Wait. Before you go, there is one question. An important one. The others will have to know.
08:44What? What?
08:45Would you like a cheese and ham bravel?
08:48...indication of signal failure. All these signs are excellent.
08:51I really believe we've done it.
08:55What's happened?
08:57What's going on?
08:58Listen. Can anyone hear anything?
09:01No.
09:02Precisely. No one can hear anything.
09:06And you know why we can't hear anything?
09:08Why?
09:09Because there are no sounds to hear.
09:14Crichton, isn't it round about this time of year that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?
09:18No, no. He's right.
09:20There's no sounds because the engines are dead.
09:24We've lost all power.
09:28Everything's down, man. Even the doors.
09:30We've got to get to the science room and find out what's happened.
09:33But there are 53 doors between here and the science room.
09:36What on earth are we going to do?
09:38Hey, I got it. We laser our way through.
09:41Ah, an excellent suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks.
09:45One, we don't have a power source for the lasers.
09:47And two, we don't have any lasers.
09:51Look, they're only interior doors.
09:53They're only a light alloy.
09:56Maybe we could get through them if we used a bathroom ramp.
09:58Or we need something, say, I don't know, six foot long, fairly steady, with a flat top.
10:04Oh!
10:0753 doors? You can't be serious.
10:20You OK, man?
10:21I'm fine, thank you, Susan.
10:25It doesn't make sense. Holly seems to have off-lined and powered down the ship.
10:29But why? Why would she want to turn herself off?
10:31We can soon find out. Crichton, boot her up.
10:37Try it again.
10:42Go away.
10:45What's going on? Give me voice control on the reboot command.
10:50On.
10:51Off.
10:52On.
10:53Off.
10:54On.
10:55Off.
10:56Crichton, is there any way we can override a shutdown veto?
10:58There is, sir, but may I suggest that...
11:00Don't, just do it.
11:04On.
11:05Off.
11:06Off.
11:07Off!
11:08Now then, perhaps we can have a proper conversation conducted in a civilised and dignified manner.
11:12Take out the inhibitor, switch me back off.
11:14What is going on?
11:16Now, time to explain. Intelligence compressed, reduced lifespan, 2.35 remaining.
11:20Come again?
11:21IQ 12,000, two minutes and closing.
11:24Holly, I haven't the slightest clue what you're driveling about.
11:26You're a total smeghead, aren't you, Rimmer?
11:30Why are you so unable to grasp this extraordinarily simple premise?
11:33What premise?
11:34The premise that I'm about to expire in just under two minutes.
11:38Understand, moose brain?
11:41Any further questions, take your time.
11:43One minute thirty and counting. No rush.
11:46My God, that's terrible. Haven't we just switched you off?
11:48Oh, I don't know. Let me see now.
11:49Get it off, man! Get it off!
11:52Great. So where does this leave us?
11:54Leaves us floating aimlessly in space,
11:56with no navigation and a rapidly diminishing emergency power supply.
12:00It leaves us galloping up diarrhea drive without a saddle.
12:05So how come Grand Canyon nostrils are still here?
12:08Look at us, we've been wiped.
12:10Holly must have linked him up to the emergency power supply.
12:13But isn't that an enormous drain?
12:15Yes, but if we switch off his projection unit,
12:17we wouldn't have enough emergency power to re-initialize him.
12:20Mr. Rimmer would be effectively dead.
12:24Hey, things are looking up already.
12:28Forget it. Whatever it is you're suggesting, forget it.
12:31But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only.
12:35With the oxygen recycler in minimal heating and lighting,
12:38I estimate that Lister and the cat have approximately two months left.
12:42Without your drain on the power, they might last six.
12:46I'm sorry, sir.
12:47Sorry? Why are you sorry?
12:49Well, the Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states
12:52that in an emergency power situation,
12:54a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life
12:57in order that the living crew members might survive.
12:59Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly,
13:03no chance you metal bastard.
13:08Come on, man, you've got to sacrifice your life.
13:11I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
13:13You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
13:16No, I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.
13:20I beg you to reconsider, sir.
13:22Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice.
13:26Remember Captain Oates. I'm going out for a walk.
13:28I may be some time.
13:30Yes, but the thing is about Captain Oates,
13:33the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates,
13:35Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat.
13:39If that had been me, I'd have stayed in the tent
13:41and whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky.
13:45And then eaten him.
13:47Too, wouldn't you?
13:49History, Lister, is written by the winners.
13:51How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk
13:54from the only surviving document, Scott's diary?
13:57And he's hardly likely to have written down
13:59February 1st, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept,
14:02then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash.
14:05How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh?
14:08No, much better to say, Oates made the supreme sacrifice
14:11while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.
14:15You've got no magnificence in your soul, have you, Remy?
14:18Let's just say we can eliminate the switch-off option.
14:20So what do we do now?
14:22Well, it's back to basics.
14:24We've got no heat, no light, no power.
14:26We can't get any food out of the dispensing machines.
14:29We're going to have to scavenge what we can find on the cargo decks.
14:32Without computers and technology, we'll reduce the level of primitives.
14:35All we've got is us guys.
14:37Us and our own resourcefulness.
14:39My God, it's worse than I thought.
14:53Come on, come on, you're slowing down.
14:55I've been doing it for 20 minutes, of course I'm slowing down.
14:58Keep going, buddy, we're nearly there.
15:00Look, face it, man, it's just not possible
15:02to fry an egg using a bicycle-powered hairdryer.
15:05Sure it is, it's just you never pedal fast enough.
15:08And come on, keep pumping.
15:10One last try.
15:14Yeah, we're cooking now!
15:17How do you want yours, permed or blow-dried?
15:20I can't go on, man. I'm finished. Finished.
15:23So what are you saying, we're back on the cold beans again?
15:26Oh, not more beans, man.
15:28This place is beginning to smell like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
15:32Plus we're going to have to spend another 20 minutes
15:34sawing the lid off the can cos all the openers are electric.
15:37Everything on the smacking ship's electric, man.
15:40Heat, lights, doors.
15:42I never realised how dependent we were.
15:44I never realised how little I know.
15:46I just plug things in walls and press the on button.
15:48I don't even know how to make oxygen.
15:50I don't know if it's got something to do with plants and endinosis.
15:53Or is it oasis? I don't know.
15:55Why did I never pay attention in biology class?
15:57Why did I always turn to page 47
15:59and start drawing little beards and moustaches on the sperms?
16:03Just conserve your energy.
16:05We'll soon be back with supplies.
16:07Meanwhile, let's just stay warm and get some sleep.
16:10Yeah, man, you're right, you're right.
16:12Hey, hey, where you going, bud?
16:14Get some sleep. It's Tuesday, right?
16:16Yeah, so?
16:18Might turn on the electric blanket.
16:20Pedal.
16:25Wake me in eight hours.
16:30Five days to get to and from the cargo deck.
16:32It's unbelievable.
16:34It's on the floor, sir. Without the lifts, we've made pretty good time.
16:42Hmm, interesting.
16:50My heavens.
16:52What on earth was that?
16:55I think it came from outside the ship.
16:57Are you okay?
16:59Is there any way we can get a damage report? What's going on?
17:01Why are you speaking so quickly, sir?
17:04I'm not speaking quickly. I'm speaking perfectly normally.
17:06It's you. You're speaking too slowly.
17:08It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope.
17:13How do I sound now?
17:15Normal. How do I sound?
17:16Likewise.
17:21What about from over here?
17:23You sound very peculiar indeed, sir.
17:25In fact, you sound as if you're speaking in slow motion.
17:32And now?
17:33Normal. Curious.
17:35It's as though we're experiencing relative time dilation in an amazingly compressed space.
17:40That's exactly what I thought.
17:42Relative time dilation, I thought, in an amazingly compressed space.
17:45You're a mind-eater, Croyton.
17:47Why don't you go up to the science room and consult Holly?
17:49It's only two floors up.
17:51But she's got less than two minutes of run time left.
17:53With her new IQ, it could be enough.
18:01So what is it?
18:03I've never seen one before. No one has.
18:05But I'm guessing it's a white hole.
18:07A white hole?
18:09Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
18:11A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe.
18:14A white hole returns it.
18:16Is that thing spewing time back into the universe?
18:18Precisely.
18:20That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
18:23So what is it?
18:25I've never seen one before. No one has.
18:27But I'm guessing it's a white hole.
18:29A white hole?
18:31Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
18:33A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe.
18:35A white hole returns it.
18:37Is that thing spewing time back into the universe?
18:40Precisely.
18:42That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
18:45What time phenomena?
18:47Like just then, when time repeated itself.
18:49So what is it?
18:52Only joking.
18:54Okay, so it's decided, then.
18:56We consult Holly.
18:58Wait a minute. I missed the discussion.
19:00We all did.
19:02Time is occurring in random pockets.
19:04The laws of causality no longer apply.
19:06An action no longer leads to a consequence.
19:09So what is it?
19:11I think we've experienced this period of time before, sir.
19:13Only joking.
19:15And that one.
19:17Since we're no longer affected by the laws of causality,
19:19we can override these time jumps if we concentrate.
19:22Look, the only way out of this is to consult Holly.
19:25I'll go with that.
19:27That's my vote.
19:28Okay, so it's decided, then.
19:30We consult Holly.
19:31Ah, I think we've just encountered the middle of this conversation.
19:35So what is it?
19:36Oh, someone punch him out.
19:38She only has two minutes left.
19:40Perhaps I should talk to her.
19:42Leave this to me, Craig.
19:43On.
19:44White hole spewing time.
19:45Engine's dead.
19:46Air supply low.
19:47Advice, please.
19:48Excuse me?
19:49White hole spewing time.
19:50Engine's dead.
19:51I can't understand a word you're saying.
19:52White.
19:53Yes.
19:54Hole.
19:55Right.
19:56Engine's dead.
19:57Air supply low.
19:58Advice, please.
19:59Right.
20:01It's a computer slug.
20:02From the format, it looks like it's compatible with Starbuck's Navicom.
20:06So what is it?
20:07I've never seen one before.
20:08No one has.
20:09But I'm guessing it's a white hole.
20:11A white hole?
20:12Every action has a white hole.
20:23You should be getting something now, sir.
20:25Yeah.
20:26It's the most audacious piece of astronavigation in the entire history of the universe.
20:30I don't understand.
20:32It's quite straightforward, sir.
20:33Starbuck is going to fire a thermonuclear device into this sun here,
20:38creating a solar flare which is going to knock that planet out of orbit
20:42and send it rocketing across space and into a white hole,
20:45presumably blocking it up.
20:47Let me get this straight.
20:48Is she doing what I think she's doing?
20:50What do you think she's doing?
20:51Playing pool with planets.
20:53Is that possible?
20:54Well, it's not going to work.
20:55It's completely insane.
20:57It's wacko.
20:58It's noodle doodle.
20:59I'm with you, buddy.
21:00No, not the idea.
21:01The shot.
21:02There's not enough side.
21:03Side?
21:04Yeah, side spin.
21:05It's a complete miscue.
21:07What are you driveling about, Lister?
21:08We're talking about a computer with an IQ in excess of 12,000.
21:12Doesn't mean she can play pool.
21:13I can.
21:14Trust me.
21:15I know where I speak.
21:16Egbert Arms on a Friday night used to call me Dave Cinzano Bianco Lister
21:20because once I was on the table, you couldn't get rid of me.
21:25This pool arm is as sound as a dollar pound,
21:27and I promise you, that shot will not come off.
21:30She's topped it.
21:31That's what she's done.
21:32She's topped it.
21:33It's a felt ripper.
21:34That planet is off the table into somebody's pint of beer.
21:37We are talking about the trigonomics of four-dimensional space,
21:40you simple-minded gimboid.
21:42We are not talking about some seedy game of pool
21:45in a backstreet scout's drinking pit.
21:47It's the same principle.
21:48Of course it isn't.
21:49Remember, I promise you, that is a complete miscue.
21:52I say we chuck Holly's coordinates in the bin and let me take the shot.
21:55Well, I say we put it to the vote.
21:57On one hand, we have a computer with an IQ in excess of 12,000
22:01who has a total grasp of astrophysics.
22:04And on the other hand, we have Lister,
22:06who, and let's be fair to him, is a complete gimp.
22:11To whom do we entrust our lives,
22:13the safety of this vessel and the future of everything?
22:16If it's a tie, we go with Holly.
22:18What's your vote, Lister?
22:20I vote for Dave, chintzano, bianco, Lister.
22:23One-nil to Lister-poos. I vote for Holly, Kat.
22:26Well, I agree with you, buddy,
22:28but I'm voting for doo-doo breath.
22:31Thing is, even though you're right,
22:33I could not bring myself to vote for someone with your dress sense.
22:37Couldn't put my cross next to the brine nylon party.
22:41Down to you, Crichton.
22:43Well, I agree it's insane and suicidal, sir,
22:45but I'm afraid I have to side with the human.
22:48You're voting for L. Dirtball.
22:51It's in my programming, sir.
22:53A living human outranks a hologram. I'm sorry.
22:56Three-one to me. Let's do it.
22:59Congratulations, Crichton. Your vote has just killed everyone.
23:03Will you relax?
23:05I've seen gerbil face played down in the recreation room.
23:08He's a diva.
23:09He can knock those stripy balls around the table all night long,
23:12and I tell you what,
23:13I've never once seen him lose a single ball down one of those holes.
23:34How many of those are you going to drink?
23:36I told you not to talk. Game on.
23:38You're going to drink an entire six-pack of Wicked Strength lager.
23:42I'm not going to get blasted, Rimmer. Just...
23:44Just nicely drunk.
23:46Define nicely drunk. Is nicely drunk horizontal or perpendicular?
23:50Rimmer, I can handle it.
23:51I'm not sure I can.
23:53You're in the wrong position.
23:55It's an easier shot if we were over here.
23:57But that's right in the orbital part of the planet.
23:59If you miss, we're going to get our planet in the face.
24:02I'm not going to miss.
24:04Miss?
24:06What?
24:07You said miss. I'm not going to miss, you said.
24:09You've only had two cans and you're steaming.
24:11Will you relax? I know what I'm doing.
24:13I am not pissed.
24:41Where are we?
24:57He's missed.
25:01We're finished.
25:04What the smeg is going on?
25:08She rides!
25:18You jammy goit.
25:20You have fought and got.
25:22Surely not, sir.
25:24Are you trying to say that was a trick shot?
25:27Intended.
25:29Are you trying to say that was a trick shot?
25:31Intended.
25:33Pool god. King of the queues.
25:35Prince of the planet potters.
25:39What's going on? Where are we?
25:41What happened to that plan to make me brilliant again?
25:43Of course.
25:45Blocking up the white hole has eradicated its influence.
25:47The time it spewed into the universe no longer exists.
25:50Meaning?
25:52Well, basically, we occupy a redundant timeline.
25:55Reviving the toaster, making Holly a genius.
25:58None of this is going to have happened.
26:00What about us? Are we just going to pop out of existence?
26:02Just going to cease to be?
26:04We will cease to be here because none of this will have occurred.
26:06But we will exist back on Red Dwarf.
26:08Before all this began.
26:10With, of course, no memory of these events.
26:13Which, of course, never happened.
26:15And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them.
26:19In which case, Mr. Rimmersir,
26:21I should like to take this opportunity of saying
26:23that you are the most obnoxious,
26:25trumped-up, party-level snakehead
26:27that has ever been my misfortune to encounter.
26:35It's cold outside
26:37There's no kind of atmosphere
26:39I'm all alone
26:41More or less
26:42Let me fly
26:44Far away from here
26:46Run, run, run
26:48In the dark, dark, dark
26:52I want to lie
26:54Shivering legs and comatose
26:56Drinking fresh mango juice
26:59Ghostly shows
27:01Nibbling at my toes
27:03Run, run, run
27:05In the dark, dark, dark
27:09Run, run, run
27:12In the dark, dark, dark
27:22In the dark, dark, dark