Red Dwarf S04 E02 - DNA
Transcript
00:30Stand by, she's coming round.
00:58There's something out there, man. Some kind of UFO. We're clamping on.
01:03Visual down. Radio down. What's happening?
01:05Something's knocked out the entire desk.
01:14What are you looking at me like that for?
01:16You've just unplugged the console.
01:18Right. I'm blow-drying my hair.
01:21We're tracking a UFO.
01:23Oh, you're tracking a UFO, so I have to sit around looking like the Bride of Frankenstein?
01:28Use another socket.
01:30This is beyond belief. A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit enough plug sockets in the scanning room.
01:35There's plenty of plug sockets in the scanning room, Kat. They're all taken up with your beauty aids. Now use a wall socket.
01:41What? Unplug my hot wax strip unsightly hair remover?
01:46Yes, unplug your hot wax strip unsightly hair remover.
01:50I don't believe this.
01:52We finally get to encounter an alien species and I have to meet them with a wavery bikini line.
01:58It's back bearing 0.9 and 0 at just one percent. One percent port side.
02:09All right. Okay. I'll use gel. Everybody happy?
02:14Stabilize pitch. Reduce corrective.
02:20Who the hell is he?
02:21I have no idea, sir. The craft does not appear to be of earth construction.
02:26Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
02:29What?
02:30That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them.
02:34Oh, snag. That's all we need. Glenn Miller on board, boring us to death with Pennsylvania 65,000.
02:40Right. Open communication channels.
02:44We don't want him. Go away.
02:47I told you, you can keep the snag.
02:53How deliciously bizarre. The hull's molecular structure conforms to no known element.
02:59Whoever or whatever made this thing had access to a technology far in advance of our own.
03:04Okay, look, let's split up.
03:06Why? Why should we split up?
03:08We'll do the sage quick.
03:09What's the hurry? Have you got some major luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?
03:13What's your problem?
03:15I'm not teaming up with him.
03:16Me? What's wrong with me?
03:18You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one,
03:22you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
03:25He just listed all my best features.
03:28I'm going with Kraken.
03:30Come on, Kat.
03:40Kraken, you take point. I've seen those movies. It's always the guy in the lead who buys it first.
03:44You take the front.
03:45Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience,
03:47it's usually the poor fellow who's bringing up the rear that gets picked off first,
03:51so the others aren't aware they're under attack.
03:53You're right. You're right.
03:54Can you take the front and the back so I can go in the middle?
03:57I'll do my best, sir.
04:13Go, Kraken.
04:14We've found something, sir.
04:16Yeah?
04:17I think it's one of the crew.
04:18A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it.
04:23It fell through a river as we opened the lift door.
04:27Is he all right?
04:28I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.
04:31All right, Kraken, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly, gimboid git.
04:35I'm fine now.
04:37So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?
04:41Is that thing still on?
04:42Hey, look at this!
04:44Don't mess around with that, man. We don't know what it does.
04:46I'm just taking a look.
04:48Cheers, man. Brilliant. I'm trapped.
04:51Get me out of this thing.
04:52Be cool. Stay slinky.
04:54I'm on the case here.
04:55I remember the sequence.
04:56It was red, blue, yellow.
04:58No, blue, yellow, red.
05:05What the smeg is that?
05:08Curious. The skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.
05:11He's got three heads.
05:14Wait. Here's some kind of wallet.
05:16Oh, the artifacts are human.
05:18A pilot's license, ID, even a video club card.
05:22Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognize him?
05:26He's got six eyes and three noses.
05:28If it were me, I'd remember him.
05:30Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed and caused a monsoon?
05:34I think we can assume he started out as human and something happened here.
05:37Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.
05:41Language trace completed.
05:43Dialect, English, colloquial construction, 23rd century.
05:47Look, do nothing. Press nothing. Just go and get Crichton.
05:49Wait, I think I got it.
05:51Transmogrification sequence initiated.
05:55Maybe not.
05:57Transmogrify what?
05:58Gene sample accepted and cloned.
06:01Who's key in new genetic structure?
06:03Do nothing. Press nothing. Get Crichton.
06:07Hey, you think I can't handle this on my own?
06:09I have to rush off and get novelty condom head to bail you out?
06:13I got you into this. I'll get you out.
06:15Get Crichton.
06:17Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing.
06:19New genetic structure accepted.
06:22Metamorphosis in 10 seconds and counting.
06:28I got a good idea. Why don't I go and get Crichton?
06:31Forget Crichton. Just press the pads. Any pads. Stop this.
06:35Sequence complete.
06:40Woof, woof.
06:47Are you okay? We detected a massive power surge in this sector.
06:51Where's Lister?
06:55That's Lister.
06:57What can I say except, whoops.
07:00What is it?
07:01Best guess, some kind of DNA modifier.
07:04Designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.
07:07This would explain our triple-headed friend back there.
07:09So what does it do?
07:11Every single cell in your body contains DNA,
07:14which is a series of genetic instructions telling your body how to grow.
07:17It's like a small computer program that chooses the color of your eyes,
07:21tells your nose what shape to be,
07:23designates your sex, your height, everything, even your lifespan.
07:26This machine simply rewrites the DNA program.
07:29So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing
07:33by altering its molecular structure?
07:35Precisely.
07:36It turned Lister into a chicken.
07:38So it seems.
07:40Question is, can we turn him back again?
07:43The question is, do we want to?
07:45Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form.
07:49It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.
07:51Listy.
07:55It's incredible, it really is him.
07:57Look, it's even got his little beer gut.
08:00Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward hexidecimal layout.
08:03Logically, this should be the recall sequence.
08:09That's not it, is it?
08:11Let's start from the top.
08:13What happened here, exactly?
08:15I was pressing the pads.
08:17I definitely pressed the yellow one first.
08:19And then this thing came down.
08:21So I'm standing here, pressing the buttons, and then this voice says...
08:24Transmogrification sequence has aged.
08:27Right! So I press the move buttons, and then it says...
08:31Who is key in new genetic structure?
08:33That's it, exactly!
08:35Can't stop!
08:36There's no need to engage your panic chip, sir.
08:38The machine can only operate on organic life.
08:40I am mineral, and therefore immune.
08:42New genetic structure accepted.
08:44Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.
08:47Oh, wait a minute.
08:49No, my brain is part organic.
08:51And therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition.
08:56Engage panic circuits.
08:58Panic circuits engaged.
09:00Yahoo!
09:07Are you okay?
09:08Yeah, I think so.
09:10What was it like being a hamster?
09:12It was better than being a chicken.
09:14Have you seen the size of an egg?
09:16Have you seen the size of a chicken's bum?
09:18Is that what all the cooking was about?
09:20I was trying to say, in chicken talk, for God's sake, give me an epidural.
09:25Let's get frightened back.
09:27Press what you pressed, Falista.
09:34My heavens.
09:36I'm human.
09:39Yeah, but you lost your looks.
09:44I'm human. My greatest dream come true.
09:46For the first time in my life, I can experience real feelings.
09:49I'm experiencing one now.
09:51I'm in happiness mode.
09:53I've never experienced anything like it before.
09:55Except for that one time when I accidentally welded my groinal socket to a front-loading washing machine.
10:00I'm alive!
10:11How's he doing, Ho?
10:12Physically, he's fine.
10:13He's got the body of a perfectly normal 30-year-old human male.
10:16Apparently.
10:19Is he all right?
10:20It'll take a little while to adjust.
10:22Everything's a bit new.
10:26Come in!
10:28Greetings, fellow humans.
10:30Ah, breakfast, my very first meal.
10:32Boiled chicken ovulations.
10:34Delicious.
10:36Break open, man.
10:37Any problems?
10:38Well, just one or two.
10:39In fact, I've compiled a little list, if you'll indulge me.
10:42Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
10:48No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
10:50Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
10:55Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
10:59I see.
11:00Move your head closer...
11:03Hmm, to the object.
11:04All right, okay.
11:05Well, what about other optical effects, like split-screen, slow-motion, Quantel?
11:11No, we don't have them.
11:13You don't have them?
11:14Just the zoom.
11:15Hmm.
11:17Well, no, that's fine. That's great.
11:18No, that's really great. That's great.
11:20Now then, uh, my nipples don't work.
11:25In what way don't work?
11:27Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature,
11:32while the left nipple nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up short-wave radio transmissions.
11:37Now what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
11:43Human nipples don't do that quite.
11:45I see. Fine.
11:47Ah, now, recharging.
11:48Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge, they do it much the same way mechanoids do.
11:53Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket,
11:56but for some strange reason, it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.
12:04Now, do I have to use some kind of special adapter?
12:06Because no matter what I do, the lead just keeps falling out.
12:14Right? We eat and sleep. That's our way of recharging.
12:18Ah. Hmm.
12:19Ah, yes. Now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
12:22Something about, um, well, something I know that we humans get a little embarrassed about.
12:26It's a bit of a taboo subject.
12:28Not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
12:31Crichton. I'm an enlightened 23rd century guy. Spit it out, man.
12:35Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.
12:45I knew it. You've gone straight into smirk mode.
12:49Aren't we both too human adults?
12:51Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
12:56Yeah, of course we can.
12:57Thank you.
13:05Well?
13:06Well, well, well, what?
13:07Well, what do you think?
13:09I'm not quite with you here, Crichton. What am I supposed to say?
13:11I want to know, is that normal?
13:13What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
13:16No, it's not.
13:18Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
13:22Well, yeah.
13:24But it's hideous.
13:26That's the best design they could come up with?
13:29Are you seriously telling me there were choices and someone said,
13:32Ah, there. That's it. That's the shape we're looking for.
13:35The last chicken in the shop look.
13:37Shakespeare had one? Einstein?
13:40Perry Como sang,
13:42Memories are made of this, with one of those stashed in his slacks.
13:47Well, yeah.
13:48No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode.
13:52Now, take a look at this.
13:56And this.
14:04Now, why do you suppose that happened?
14:09What were you thinking of at the time?
14:13Well, nothing in particular, sir.
14:15I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue.
14:20I came across the section on super deluxe vacuum cleaners
14:23and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
14:28You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.
14:33You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
14:36It was a triple bag easy glide vac
14:39with turbo suction and a self-emptying dust bag.
14:43I don't care what model it was.
14:46No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double Polaroid.
14:52Do yourself a favour, man. Change back.
14:54Back? Become one of those poor, sappy SADAC mechanoids again?
14:57This is my dream.
14:59Hey, listen, listen. I've got a joke for you.
15:01Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a light bulb?
15:05I don't know. Twelve.
15:07And you know why? Why?
15:09Because they're so stupid.
15:12Isn't that the greatest joke?
15:14I've got another one. Ever heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?
15:18Oh!
15:31Man, this is a totally whacked-out idea.
15:33It's never gonna work.
15:35That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work?
15:38The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
15:40You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
15:44Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it.
15:46That machine has a clone facility.
15:48But a man made from dandruff? That's never gonna work.
15:51The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
15:55I won't be made of dandruff.
15:57My body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
16:01How's Creighton?
16:02Confused.
16:04If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
16:06my advice is decline, politely.
16:09I bet he can't believe his luck.
16:11He's reached the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain. He's a human.
16:14What's so big about being human?
16:16Listie, don't knock it till you've tried it.
16:21Just don't trust that machine, man.
16:23Look, I know it's old-fashioned, but I'm from the school of belief.
16:26If God had antennas to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control.
16:30OK, that machine might be able to cure diseases and stuff,
16:33but you shouldn't use the changer into what you're not.
16:35You are what you are.
16:37Wasn't it Descartes who said,
16:39I am what I am?
16:41No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
16:43Popeye the Sailor Man?
16:45Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.
16:48And I think what he was trying to say was,
16:50you've got to stay true to what you are.
16:52Oh, here we go. Typical knee-jerk techno-theory action.
16:56That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind has ever made.
17:01Greater than fire. Greater than the wheel.
17:04What about the dude with three heads? What happened to him?
17:06Well, he abused it.
17:08You're right. Yeah, someone always does.
17:10Are you two seriously suggesting you're not going to use it?
17:12There's nothing about your bodies you'd like to improve?
17:15Me? Are you serious?
17:18Most people leave their bodies to medical science.
17:21I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, babe.
17:24At some point in their lives, most people wish they were someone else.
17:27This is going back years, years, before the accident.
17:30Kachansky just finished with me and I was feeling really pony.
17:33So I went for a walk in the botanical gardens
17:35and I saw this squirrel climbing up and down a tree, collecting nuts.
17:38And it stopped and it looked at me.
17:40And I thought, you lucky little sod.
17:42You like your job. You're your own boss and you've got no woman's trouble.
17:46So you'll never feel as bad as I feel now.
17:48And at that moment, I mean, for a split second,
17:50I would have given anything, anything to swap places with him.
17:54That's awful, man.
17:56When a woman screws you up so bad, you want to become a squirrel.
18:00It just made me think that a lot of the time, being human isn't much fun.
18:04So, Lester, what are you telling us? You're a closet squirrel?
18:07Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail,
18:11calling yourself Nutkin?
18:13I'm telling you, Rimmer, it's that being human sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.
18:18And if Crichton thinks it's going to solve all his problems,
18:21then he's in for a major, I repeat, major disappointment.
18:26Achoo!
18:29Achoo!
18:36The most wonderful thing has happened.
18:38We've found this machine and it's made me human.
18:41You're human now?
18:43That's right, SpareHead One. Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true.
18:47What's it like?
18:49It's indescribable, SpareHead Two.
18:51True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions,
18:54and there's no zoom, the nipples don't work,
18:56I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like food machines.
19:01But that apart, it's all going well.
19:03What about us? It was my turn to be main head next month.
19:06Well, obviously, that's no longer possible.
19:08Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid, I'm not second class anymore.
19:12What about SpareHead Three? You can't just leave him here, he's got droid rot.
19:16I don't need no booger to look after me, I may be outrun with silicon rickets,
19:20me voice units may be shot to boogery, but I don't need sympathy from the likes of him.
19:24Well, I'll still come and visit, I won't forget you.
19:27Where have you been for the past four days?
19:29Hey, I've been busy.
19:31Ah, busy swanking around with his new central nervous system,
19:34and his poncy new eight valve heart laddied down him with all his fancy new human friends.
19:38Oh, SpareHead Three, what do you know about anything?
19:41Oh, I'll get him ordering his own heads around.
19:44I may be 30,000 years old, and me circuit boards may have gone bandy,
19:49but I'll tell you this for now, you came into this world as a mechanoid,
19:52and a mechanoid you'll always be.
19:54I don't have to take this from you, I'm a human, shut your stupid flat head.
19:59Kryton, I don't believe you just said that.
20:02I don't even know why I came here, what a waste of time.
20:05I think you should leave now, Kryton, there's nothing more to say to me.
20:09Ah, sling your bloody... go on, clear off.
20:12And what about you, SpareHand One, how do you feel?
20:17Greetings, fellow human.
20:19Oh, fellow human, how hollow those words sound now.
20:23What's eating you, man?
20:25Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions.
20:28One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable.
20:30What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.
20:35Your depression's there for a reason. It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.
20:40Wrong? What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.
20:43Wrong? What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.
20:46Oh, yeah.
20:47No, I've done the most terrible thing.
20:49I've hurt my own kind, I've made fun of those closest to me.
20:53I've been a complete and total Polaroid head.
20:56You've had your head up your recharge socket.
20:59Agreed, and you've known all along.
21:02Yeah, well, I did something similar once.
21:06Sold out.
21:08You sold out?
21:11Look, this is between me and you, OK, Crichton?
21:15Once, many years ago, I went into a wine bar.
21:23That's it? You went into a wine bar?
21:25OK, keep it calm, keep it calm.
21:28I don't want the whole world to know.
21:30Well, what's so bad about going into a WB?
21:34It means I was a class traitor.
21:36I could have been on that slippery slope,
21:38hankering after pine kitchens,
21:40sleeping on futons, eating tapas.
21:43Who knows where it could have led?
21:45I could have started having relationships with people
21:47instead of going out with them.
21:49Got married, got on the property ladder.
21:52God almighty, who knows where it could have ended?
21:54Next thing you know, I'm playing squash every Tuesday night
21:57with a bloke called Gerald.
21:59Lucky escape, man, lucky escape.
22:02I've been thinking, sir, I want to be a mechanoid again.
22:05It's what I always have been, what I always will be.
22:08And no bad thing. Let's do it.
22:11Right, there was a cartoon character once called Popeye.
22:14He said a really profound thing.
22:16What did he say?
22:17He said, I am what I am.
22:19Are you sure? I always thought that was Descartes.
22:22So did I, man. It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.
22:30What do you reckon, Hull?
22:31I reckon I got it sussed.
22:33I reckon we should try it first.
22:35What with?
22:36Well, just need anything organic.
22:38Hey, don't look at me.
22:39I'm not looking at you, I'm looking at that foil container.
22:41Mr's curry.
22:42It's dead, it's organic.
22:44If we can change a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo,
22:47we'll know it's safe for Crichton.
22:49Nice idea, goalpost head.
22:52Let's try it.
22:53Sure I was enjoying that.
22:58Gene sample accepted and cloned.
23:00Metamorphosis in progress.
23:04Yes.
23:12The smeg, is he?
23:14What have we created?
23:16We've created the mutton vindaloo beast.
23:18Half man, half extra Indian curry.
23:22OK, you go, I'll cover you.
23:25Seriously?
23:26No.
23:34I don't believe I'm running away from a psychopathic curried man.
23:39Is he still following us?
23:41Can't you smell it? He's right behind us.
23:49Remember last Easter, 12 months ago today, the polymorph?
23:52That's right, you were attacked by a killer shawmy kebab.
23:55How can the same smeg happen to the same guy twice?
23:58Last time it was hors d'oeuvres, this time it's lunch.
24:02Keep burning death and kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast.
24:05Twice!
24:10Run back to the mare, the D&H bit, I've got an idea.
24:23Holly, I'm only going to ask you this once and I want the truth.
24:26Can you make this machine work without any mistakes?
24:28Yeah, I know what I did wrong last time.
24:30It's a mistake any deranged half-witted computer could have made.
24:34Look, I can do it. Give me a chance.
24:36Holly, that creature's virtually indestructible.
24:38There's only one way to beat it.
24:41Turn me into a superhuman.
24:43Man plus.
24:45Are you totally insane?
24:47You're going to let that fruit bat of a computer diddle with your DNA?
24:51Have you got a better plan?
24:52Maybe some Indian restaurant music will mollify it.
24:56Or perhaps we can make a surrender flag out of flop wallpaper.
25:00Do you realise the charm thing's going to be through that door in a minute now?
25:03Right, so let's do it.
25:05Transmogrification sequence initiated.
25:12Metamorphosis complete.
25:17Did it work?
25:20Kind of.
25:21What do you mean, kind of?
25:24I mean, kind of.
25:30Well, getting better.
25:32What now?
25:33We ain't got time to change him back. Let's scoot.
25:35Come on, Stumpy.
25:38Wait for me.
25:47I can't keep up. I'm knackered.
25:55I can't keep up.
26:17Of course, log it.
26:19The only thing that can kill a vindaloo.
26:24Oh, no.
26:42Has anyone got a poppadom the size of Lake Michigan?
26:45This stuff's really good.
26:49This guy's pure class.
26:52It's cold outside.
26:54There's no kind of atmosphere.
26:56I'm all alone.
26:58More or less.
27:00Let me fly far away from here.
27:03Far, far, far.
27:06It's the sun, sun, sun.
27:09I want to live.
27:11Shift legs, you call me toes.
27:13Drinking fresh mango juice.
27:16Goldfish toes.
27:18Stripping out my toes.
27:20Far, far, far.
27:23It's the sun, sun, sun.
27:27Far, far, far.
27:30It's the sun, sun, sun.