Red Dwarf S05 E02 - The Inquisitor
Transcript
00:30Thomas Ullman, Thomas Ullman, you have been found unworthy of having existed.
00:52Is that you, Mother?
00:53Your life and all memory of you will be wiped from history.
01:00The void you occupied in the space-time continuum will be allocated to a person who was never
01:06given the gift of life.
01:08May they spend their time more wisely.
01:12No, please, why me?
01:15There must be others who have lived worthless lives.
01:18All will be judged.
01:24It is complete.
01:26All that remains is to do with your physical form.
01:33Sorry to disturb you, sir.
01:35Reality control.
01:47Coffee, sir.
01:48Double caffeinated, quadruple sugar.
01:50Nice one.
01:51Ah, Virgil's Aeneid.
01:53Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy.
01:56The most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment.
02:00Yeah, it's the comic book version.
02:02Oh, really?
02:03It's good, though, man.
02:04It's absolutely full of history.
02:06Zap, pow, ker-splat, die in bed, you Trojan pig-dog, ginyarg.
02:12I see they've remained faithful to the original text.
02:14I'm sure Virgil would have approved.
02:16Crichton, don't discourage him.
02:17It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps.
02:23I don't know, though.
02:24This wooden horse of Troy malarkey, I'm not buying that.
02:27It's one of the most famous military manoeuvres in history.
02:30I mean, the Greeks have been camped outside Troy.
02:33Ker-pow and zap and ker-splat and the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah.
02:37So?
02:38So all of a sudden they wake up one morning and the Greeks have gone.
02:40And there outside the city walls they've left this gift.
02:43This tribute to their valiant foes.
02:45A huge wooden horse.
02:47Just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress
02:52and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities.
02:55Are you telling me that not one Trojan goes,
02:57hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny prezzie?
02:59What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?
03:03No, they don't.
03:04They just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night.
03:07People that stupid deserve to be ker-pow, zap and ker-splat in their beds.
03:12You know what the big joke is?
03:14From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase
03:17beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
03:19Wouldn't it be much more logical to derive the phrase
03:21beware of Trojans that complete smaggots?
03:25Well, thank you, A.J.P. Taylor.
03:29What was that?
03:30Strange, we've changed course.
03:33Are you sure, Holly? There's no course change programmed.
03:37And again.
03:39Mark 1-8-0, that's a complete turn.
03:41We're heading back to Red De Waal.
03:43Give me manual help.
03:45We're locked out.
03:46This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft.
03:49Holly, any traffic around?
03:50Nothing on the local, Skern.
03:52This isn't possible, there must be.
03:53I am Zesher, you may know as Lister.
03:56Do not attempt to resist me.
03:58What happened to him? His voice finally break?
04:02Who are you?
04:03Tremble at my pain, for I am the Inquisitor.
04:07The Inquisitor?
04:08Your vessel is under my control.
04:11It will return you to your mothership, where you will face judgment.
04:15You will each present a case to justify your existence.
04:19If you fail, you will be deleted.
04:25Are you okay, sir?
04:26God, I think so.
04:29A little bit shaky.
04:30I think we should run you through the Mediscan, though, just as a precaution.
04:33Yeah, okay.
04:41So, Crichton, you've heard of this Inquisitor?
04:44Only as a myth, a dark fable, a horror tale,
04:48told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire,
04:52wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products
04:56and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror.
05:01A simple yes would have sufficed.
05:04So who is he?
05:05Yeah, what's his beef?
05:07Well, the legend tells of a droid,
05:09a self-repairing simulant who survives to the end of eternity,
05:13to the end of time itself.
05:15After millions of years alone,
05:17he finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife,
05:22and the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life.
05:26And so the droid constructs a time machine and roams eternity,
05:30visiting every single soul in history and assessing each one.
05:34He erases all those who wasted their lives
05:36and replaces them with those that never had a chance of life.
05:39The unfertilized eggs, the sperms that never made it.
05:43That is the Inquisitor.
05:45He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless.
05:50We're in big trouble.
05:52Who's to say what's worthless?
05:54Oh, please, take a look in the mirror.
05:56Read your entry in Who's Nobody?
06:00Who's to judge? Who's to say what's worthwhile?
06:03Well, let's face it, Listie.
06:05Lying on your bunk reading Wattbike
06:07and eating sugar puff sandwiches for eight hours every day
06:10is unlikely to qualify.
06:12It's just because I haven't written any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel
06:15that makes me prunable.
06:16No, being a totally worthless, unwashed space bum,
06:19that's what makes you prunable.
06:21Precisely. The criterion is not fame.
06:23It is simply to have lived a worthwhile life.
06:26Why did no one mention this before?
06:32If I'd been told about this at the start,
06:34that the object was to lead a worthwhile life,
06:36I could have done something about it.
06:38All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations.
06:43If I'd known all this, I would have given them my credit card number.
06:48Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker.
06:52You simply have to seize the gift of life.
06:55Oh, God.
06:56Make a contribution.
06:57Oh, God.
06:58No matter how small.
06:59Oh, God.
07:00You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.
07:04You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
07:07I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
07:09Well, shut up, then.
07:11Hang on a minute.
07:12Why should we take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot
07:15who's appointed himself judge and joy to the whole of humanity?
07:18Why should we kowtow to his judgment?
07:20Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry rat.
07:25Good answer, man. Good answer.
07:31Hmm.
07:34Hmm.
07:37So, where is he?
07:38See me now, and tremble.
07:42The inquisition begins.
07:44Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life,
07:48or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity.
07:53I hate these either-or questions.
07:56Who is to be first?
07:58Lister.
08:01The hologram.
08:03You shall be first.
08:04Probably.
08:06Sir?
08:09You have been granted the greatest gift of all.
08:13The gift of life.
08:16Tell me.
08:17What have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
08:24Well, I say this with the highest respect,
08:27but what gives you the right to ask...
08:31No, actually demand that answer of me, your magnificence?
08:37All must answer to the Inquisitor.
08:41But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
08:44Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor,
08:50your judge shall be...
08:53Yourself.
08:54Yourself.
08:57Oh, smeg.
08:59Oh, smeg indeed, matey.
09:01Everyone is judged by their own self?
09:04It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.
09:07Now then, justify yourself.
09:10Well, first, I...
09:12Liar.
09:14I've done good things.
09:15No, you haven't.
09:16In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
09:19No, you didn't.
09:21Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.
09:23When?
09:26Ah, what's that in the corner?
09:28It's the Archangel Gabriel.
09:29Well, that's me converted. I'm a new man. Hallelujah.
09:33You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man, aren't you?
09:39Well, sort of, yes.
09:41So then, justify yourself.
09:45What else could I have been?
09:46My father was a half-crazed military failure.
09:49My mother was a bitch queen from hell.
09:52My brothers had all the looks and talent.
09:54And what did I have?
09:55Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails.
09:58Yes, I admit I'm nothing.
10:00But from what I started with,
10:03nothing is up.
10:07Hi, buddy.
10:09This is your judgment day, bud.
10:11I gotta be cruel. There can't be no favors.
10:14I'm hearing you on FM.
10:17I have to ask you the question.
10:18Justify your existence.
10:20What contribution have you made?
10:22I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
10:28Well, that's true.
10:29Can I go now?
10:30If that's your case, you need more.
10:33Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
10:36Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy.
10:38But a shallow guy with a great ass.
10:41Sometimes you astonish even me.
10:43Thank you.
10:44Thank you.
10:48Well, Kryton.
10:49Justify yourself.
10:51I'm not sure I can.
10:53But surely your life is replete with good works.
10:55There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
10:59But I am programmed to live unselfishly.
11:01And therefore any good works I do come not out of fine motives,
11:05but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
11:09Well, then how can any mechanical justify himself?
11:12Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming
11:15and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
11:19Your argument invites deletion.
11:21The rules are yours, not mine.
11:23Do you wish to be erased?
11:25Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.
11:27I serve.
11:28In a human, this behavior might be considered stubborn.
11:32But I am not human.
11:33And neither are you.
11:35And it is not our place to judge them.
11:38I wonder why you do.
11:41Enough!
11:45Well, get out of this one, smeghead.
11:50What are you talking about?
11:52You know what you could have made of your life if you tried.
11:55What you could have become.
11:57So?
11:58You've got brains, man.
12:00Brains you've never used.
12:02So?
12:03So justify yourself.
12:05Spin on it.
12:11The inquisition is over.
12:14I have reached my verdict.
12:17Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been.
12:22You have lived without merit.
12:24So you've not lived at all.
12:30You scum! You've wiped them out!
12:32Sir.
12:33It's crazy, Crichton.
12:34It's a race to cat and ribbit.
12:36They are quite safe.
12:37Sir.
12:40And it is we who are to be erased.
12:42Ah.
12:47The cat has led a more worthwhile life than either of us.
12:49He is a shallow and selfish creature.
12:52As is the hologram.
12:54By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves.
12:57Whereas you and the mechanoid could have been so much more.
13:05What's this?
13:07Yes, we are being surgically removed from time.
13:10Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved.
13:14Our lives are being undone.
13:16It is complete.
13:17The timelines are knitted.
13:19Causality is healed.
13:21All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence.
13:26Well, you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Crichton.
13:30Now's the time to mention it.
13:32No plan, sir.
13:34No sleeves.
13:37Perfect.
13:38Now, what did I do next?
13:45Now, hurry.
13:46Take the gauntlet and go.
13:48What the smack is going on?
13:50I don't have time to explain.
13:51I've come from the future to rescue you.
13:53Now you must go.
13:54Hurry.
13:55What about me?
13:56I mean you.
13:57I mean us.
13:58I'm afraid we get killed.
14:00Killed?
14:01How?
14:02While I'm standing here explaining this to you,
14:04the Inquisitor jumps me from behind like this.
14:07You can't save me.
14:08Before you reach the final confrontation in the storage bay,
14:11you must have decoded the gauntlet's controls.
14:14How?
14:15Can you give us a clue?
14:16Well, I cannot explain.
14:18For some bizarre reason, my final words are enig.
14:21Enig?
14:23Yes, enig.
14:26Come on, sir.
14:27We have to go.
14:28He just kills you, Crichton.
14:29Sir, we have to go.
14:35Come on.
14:47You are not registered as personnel of this vessel.
14:49Please state your name and clearance code.
14:51It's us all.
14:52Please state your name and clearance code.
14:54Step D, triple zero, one six nine.
14:57I have no record of your palm print.
15:00Intruder alert.
15:01Intruder alert.
15:02Initiating override.
15:03Please state your name and clearance code.
15:05Log on name Crichton.
15:06Registration code additional zero zero one.
15:09I have no record of your CPU ident.
15:12You don't exist here anymore.
15:14No!
15:15Tear gas!
15:27Thank God it's you guys.
15:29Moved so much as an eyebrow boy in your dog meat.
15:31What? It's us?
15:32Who are you people and what do you want?
15:34Rimmer, it's me.
15:35How do you know my name?
15:36Don't fall for that one, bud.
15:37He read it on your uniform.
15:38Sir, they've never met us before.
15:40We are limbo people between realities.
15:42They have no memory of us.
15:44So, I'm going to ask you one more time.
15:46What do you want?
15:47Yo, we're not the enemy.
15:48There's a guy around here somewhere,
15:50wandering around obliterating people from history.
15:53We used to be your shipmates.
15:55Only we've forgotten you.
15:57Yeah.
15:58Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced.
16:01Rimmer, I know you.
16:03Well, if you do know me,
16:04you'll know I'm the kind of rough and tumble,
16:06hardened astro, ex-marine type guy you do not try to...
16:11No, you're not.
16:13For the last time, I've asked you...
16:14Fiona Barrington.
16:16Fifteen years of age.
16:18You got offered her in your dad's greenhouse.
16:20You thought you got lucky,
16:21but it turned out all the time
16:22that you had your hand in warm compost.
16:26How can I know that and not know you?
16:29It's true.
16:31You've got three brothers, John, Howard and Frank.
16:33You're really mean with money.
16:34You're a tremendous physical coward.
16:36You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard
16:38and four people committed suicide.
16:41Your middle name's Judas,
16:42but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan.
16:44You sign all your official letters A.J. Rimmer, B.S.C.
16:47And B.S.C. stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate.
16:50You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket
16:54with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
16:58I'll admit it, bud.
16:59Got a handle on you there.
17:02Serge, you've got to help us.
17:04The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us.
17:08Who the smeg are these guys, Rimmer?
17:11Never mind who the smeg are these guys.
17:13Who the smeg are you?
17:14Hi, the smeg, I'm Lister.
17:16Of course he's the alternative you.
17:18One of the many David Listers
17:20who never got a chance to exist.
17:23So we're kind of spames in law?
17:26Yes, sir.
17:27Delicately put, sir.
17:28So what do we do with them?
17:30I say waste them.
17:31Rimmer, for smeg's sake!
17:34Such a dork, man.
17:35What were you telling me?
17:36Look, they come here with some cock-and-bull story.
17:39They're chained together like Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis.
17:42I say open the door to oblivion and kick them through.
17:45Rimmer, no-one's killing no-one, all right?
17:47Yeah, right.
17:48Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension.
17:51They've come here to hijack this ship and do, ooh, weird things to us.
17:55I think we should take the lift, put them on the security deck
17:58and stick them in the brig.
17:59I hate to say it,
18:00but to once-transam wheel-arch nostrils is right.
18:04What did you call me?
18:07Look, man, you know the score.
18:09Why do I know the score?
18:11What does your mean?
18:12We're shot from the same gun barrel.
18:14Only difference is, one did breaststroke, one did crawl.
18:19What are you trying to say?
18:21I'm saying...
18:25Guys!
18:33This way!
18:42Come on, let's go!
18:43Let's go back! Go back!
18:45Oh, my God.
18:47Hang on a minute.
18:49I can use this.
18:50Come on, go!
18:52Get down to the transport decks.
18:54Maybe we can nick one of the starbooks and get out of town.
18:57Uh-oh, a door.
18:58We'd better use an air vent.
19:00No need.
19:01Sir?
19:02Look, I'm going to do something now, Kraken.
19:03That's totally, totally gross.
19:04I don't want you to look. Turn around.
19:05What?
19:06Trust me, you don't want to know.
19:08Oh, my God.
19:19Logically, sir, there is only one way you could possibly have opened that door.
19:23I feel quite nauseous.
19:26Where is it?
19:27Where's what?
19:28Oh, sir, you've got it in your jacket.
19:32I got it out of a hole, didn't I?
19:34Sir, you are sick.
19:35You are a sick, sick person.
19:38How could you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
19:40Shut up.
19:41I'll beat you to death with the wet end.
19:43Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be under my fifth bag by now.
19:47You're a sick person.
19:48Come on, Kraken, let's go.
19:55What's the point?
19:57Why am I trying to get out of this?
19:59We already know we fail.
20:00Not so, sir.
20:01All we know is that I die.
20:03Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety,
20:06then it will be a move well made.
20:08For myself, death holds no fear.
20:10Oh, yeah.
20:11Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life.
20:14That's why the mechanoid 4000 series was voted Android of the Year five years running.
20:19I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically depressed lemming.
20:25That's not true, is it?
20:26Sir?
20:27Not anymore.
20:28It's all because of me.
20:30It's my fault.
20:31I was the one who made you break your programming.
20:34Made you have to lie.
20:35Made you have to make your own decisions.
20:37Made you more...
20:39more human.
20:42I gave you a life to lose.
20:45Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash.
20:50Kraken, I know when you're lying, your right foot jiggles.
20:53It's involuntary.
20:55Nonsense.
20:58I'm not afraid to die.
21:00For me, death holds no fear.
21:04I don't believe in silicon head.
21:06I believe in an afterlife for androids.
21:08Haven't you gone through those damn manacles yet, Brighton?
21:13I'm not going to let it happen, man.
21:15Cause and effect, sir.
21:16It already has happened.
21:17There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life.
21:20Okay, now, I think I have this.
21:22It's a variant of the Enigma decoding system.
21:24Enigma.
21:25Enig.
21:26Enigma.
21:27Enig.
21:28Of course.
21:29My last words.
21:30Anyway, if this thing works, it should age those manacles by half a million years.
21:34If it doesn't work?
21:35It'll wipe out the universe.
21:40Phew.
21:41What now?
21:42Well, now, we have the power.
21:46Okay, we don't know who you are,
21:48but we've seen enough of the other dude to know we want to be on your side.
21:51He killed our two crewmates in cold blood.
21:53He's a monster.
21:54I'm the cat. This is Rimmer.
21:55Yeah, mister.
21:56Brighton.
21:57Look, I want to make it clear.
21:58I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two,
22:00but needs must as the devil drives.
22:02You really don't remember me, do you?
22:04Everything I used to do used to get on your pecs.
22:07Like, I'd just be trimming me toenails with your electric meat carver or something.
22:11And you'd go absolutely spare.
22:13Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay.
22:15Now, remember my message to us.
22:17That is where we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation.
22:20That's your plan?
22:21We go out there and face him?
22:23Nice plan.
22:24Shall I paint the bulls-eye on my face?
22:27Listen, Brighton, I've been thinking about this.
22:29I've come up with something.
22:30Yes, sir?
22:31I'm going to use my brains for the first time in my life.
22:33Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?
22:38Give me the time, couldn't they?
22:39But you don't know how to use it, sir.
22:40You'll have to shout out instructions, won't you?
22:42Wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?
22:44You can't wear it, Brighton.
22:45Why not?
22:46You're programmed not to kill.
22:56Sir, the mortals seek to challenge my master.
23:06Brighton, I don't know how to wear this thing.
23:08Gamma, Delta, one-four-five.
23:10Gamma, Delta, one-four-five.
23:25Smeg, you use me?
23:27The sport begins.
23:31Now what does Smeg have you done to me?
23:34Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
23:50Excuse me, could I possibly just distract you for just a brief second?
23:55It was the best I could ad-lib at the time, sir.
23:58It was the best I could ad-lib at the time, sir.
24:03You got the cat and rimmer, though?
24:05No.
24:06Look, sir, I've got to go back in time and sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place.
24:15Yeah, sure.
24:18All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?
24:21How long do you put it in freeze? Ten minutes?
24:23No, 8.4.
24:26We'd better be right, Craig.
24:28I know. Gauntlets.
24:32Now, what do I say when I pop up behind the Inquisitor?
24:36Ah, perfect. Now, what do you want-
24:38That's it, yeah, that's it. I've got it. Don't tell me, don't tell me. I've got it, I've got it.
24:45Okay, big fella, it's dangling time.
24:50Welcome back online.
24:53What are you doing?
24:56One way or the other, he killed a lot of my friends this afternoon.
25:02In fact, he may never get on my good side again.
25:13So now you're going to kill me? I don't think so.
25:18You're a fat little human who doesn't have the balls.
25:22It's dumb talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm.
25:26I have sinned such a lot, you don't have it in you.
25:31Oh, yeah?
25:34Bet you like it.
25:40I never intended to kill you.
25:42Oh, no.
25:47No.
25:49I intended to save your life.
25:51Save my life? Why?
25:54Because if I save your life and you erase me, I won't be there to save your life and you'll die.
26:03It's your nap, pal.
26:07You're giving me my gold back.
26:11Well, I'm all right. You can't touch me.
26:15You might have killed the others, but I'm okay.
26:18Oh, just one thing.
26:21If I erase you this turn, you will never exist in my life in the first place.
26:29That's a point.
26:30So in fact, I can erase you quite safely.
26:35Yeah?
26:37Why?
26:39Yeah. It's the old backfiring time gold trick.
26:43I just bought us a one-way ticket to oblivion.
26:47But you can't. My work, all my glorious work will be undone.
26:54Oh, it worked.
26:55It worked?
26:57Crikey, you're a genius.
26:58It was your scheme, sir. I simply reprogrammed the gauntlet.
27:02So what happens now?
27:05Basically, we wait for the time-space continuum to reorder itself.
27:12And I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.
27:16I can give you five. I can do better than that.
27:19I can give you fifteen.
27:46Mango juice, goldfish shows, nibbling at my toes.
27:51Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
27:58Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.