Episode 4 of the 1st series (titled Good Cop, Bad Genie) from 1996. In this episode, Penelope attempts to win the Sports Day race without cheating and using the opal. Meanwhile, Conrad attempts to steal it, Diana's ex fiance Bubbles turns up to try and win her back, and Scotland Yard are looking for Martha. All in all, a busy day indeed!
Starring Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldon, Glenn Meldrum, Monica Maughan, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Emily Milburn, Jacinta Stapleton and Ian McFadyen.
Starring Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldon, Glenn Meldrum, Monica Maughan, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Emily Milburn, Jacinta Stapleton and Ian McFadyen.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00I've served a lot of masters throughout history now I want to go back home where I can be
00:12free.
00:13Then you come along with the opal in your hand now your every wish is my command.
00:22Genie, genie from down under, make my wish come true.
00:31Genie, genie from down under, I wish you'd do what I want you to.
00:39Genie from down under.
00:43Dad, we're free!
00:51This is the hurdle that brought me down last year but this time I won't let it beat me.
01:05This time I'm going to win the cross country.
01:07I've been practicing for weeks now.
01:09Hail, rain or shine I've been out here working for victory.
01:13Marcia Handley won it last year.
01:15I came second.
01:17Of course, I've always been gracious in defeat.
01:19Tried not to be a sore loser.
01:21But this time I'm going to pummel that Marcia into the ground so she can feel the pain and
01:25humiliation of losing.
01:28I think I'll make a better person.
01:47I don't want to peak too soon.
02:01I just think this style's too plain.
02:04I want to wear something a winner would wear.
02:06That's what this is.
02:07It's what Marcia wore last year.
02:09See, Penny, if you don't worry about that last hurdle, it won't be such a problem.
02:13Don't think about it, just forget about it.
02:15You always trip up on the last hurdle.
02:17If you don't think...
02:18Yes, thank you, Baz.
02:19Oh, but something like this.
02:21Only more fitted here and loose around the thighs.
02:23It is a cross country race, not a ball.
02:26I am a genie, not a fashion designer.
02:28Do you see a ponytail here, do you?
02:34There's got to be something better than this.
02:36Do you know what it's like to spend eternity granting other people's wishes?
02:41Do you know what it's like to be a slave?
02:44To have your only child in chains?
02:49Do you know why the caged bird sings?
02:57If I could fire you without losing the magic...
03:03That looks fantastic.
03:07I wish I had the whole outfit.
03:14It's too big.
03:16Well, she is one of the largest athletes in Europe.
03:18It'll shrink if you wash it a few times.
03:20Wow, talk about beautiful.
03:22Oh, thank you, Baz.
03:24You really think that...
03:32Oh, dear.
03:33I expect she's come to throw herself at Conrad again.
03:36It's the third time in four days.
03:38I mean, what does he see in her anyway?
03:40Well, originally, I think he was just after her money,
03:42but now I think he's discovered her inner beauty.
03:48Inner beauty?
03:50Oh, don't make me laugh.
03:56Of course. Why am I running?
03:58I wish I was in the conservatory.
04:00I can do that.
04:03Diana, now that I finally have you alone,
04:06Now that I finally have you alone,
04:08I thank you.
04:15That's Penelope!
04:20Mummy!
04:21There she is!
04:25Teenage fashions. The baggy look.
04:27It's all the rage.
04:29Yes.
04:30Right, that's it.
04:32From now on, I don't want you to grant any more wishes.
04:35You mean I'm fired?
04:38Precisely.
04:45What an athlete. Look at that style.
04:47No wonder Conrad's after her.
04:49He's not after her.
04:51She's chasing him.
04:52She's totally desperate.
04:53He doesn't want to know.
04:55If she were the last girl on the earth, he would...
04:57Where are you?
04:59I wish I was there right now.
05:01Dressed like that?
05:04I wish I was wearing what I was wearing this morning.
05:06And get me there quick before they...
05:17You said you wanted to get here before they kissed.
05:19You said you wanted to wear what you were wearing.
05:21Hello, Penelope.
05:23How nice of you to drop by.
05:25One of those PJs here. A good look?
05:27Thank you.
05:28Oh, Conrad.
05:29Otto's been looking for you.
05:30He says it's an emergency.
05:32I'll catch you later.
05:34I noticed you've been practicing a lot for the cross-country.
05:37Hail, rain or shine, you're always out there.
05:40No, not really.
05:42It's actually not that important to me.
05:44I do admire you, Penelope.
05:46Such persistence in the face of certain defeat.
05:49Yes, well, winning isn't everything.
05:53I wish you'd buzz off.
05:55I can do that.
05:58Look, if I'm to bring my tourists here,
06:01you're going to have to glam the place up a lot.
06:03Glam it up?
06:04It all needs glamming up.
06:06Now, look, have a look at this.
06:08See this duver?
06:09Now, if you tell the punters
06:11that this is the actual spot
06:13where King Arthur got on his bended knee
06:15and proposed to Queen Geneve,
06:17then suddenly this becomes the historical highlight of the tour.
06:21But that would be lying.
06:23What?
06:24Otto, what's up?
06:25Nothing.
06:26Oh.
06:27Excuse us, love.
06:33What's going on?
06:34You got the pens good books or what?
06:36Well, you know, I'm trying, but you can't do everything.
06:38Oh, come on, Conrad.
06:40Look, we've got to make a move on the opals soon.
06:42I can't keep going on charming that old duck forever.
06:47Hello, hello.
06:49See what I mean?
06:56Ladies and gentlemen,
06:58we are now approaching the historical highlight of the tour.
07:07Ladies and gentlemen,
07:09on this very spot,
07:11John Burke, the great explorer,
07:13proposed to his wife, Genevieve.
07:15How do you know that?
07:17Crocodile Otto discovered it for himself
07:19when he was reading Genevieve's diaries.
07:21This way, everyone.
07:26Let's go.
07:33Gosh, Marcia, you might have trouble winning the cross-country now.
07:36If there's one thing I can't stand, it's cruelty to people in small jars.
07:39Come on, you've had your fun. Set her free.
07:41Oh, look, she's joining her four front legs begging.
07:43Isn't that cute?
07:44Oh, darling, there you are.
07:46This is Inspector Yard from the grave.
07:48Marcia's gone missing.
07:50Don't worry, Penelope, I've got connections.
07:52I know all the low people in high places.
07:54What's that?
07:56What?
07:57That.
07:58Oh, it's just a jar.
08:00You see, we caught a bee.
08:01I'm not interested in bees, miss.
08:03I'm interested in missing persons.
08:06And something tells me
08:08that this sweatband belongs to Miss Marcia Huntley.
08:16So, you still say
08:19she left by ten in a taxi
08:21with Conrad eloping to the south of France.
08:27Why does a taxi company have no record of her call?
08:32Um, computer mail, Dad?
08:37Does Marcia have any enemies?
08:40Apart from Miss Penelope.
08:42Now, wait a minute.
08:44Miss Penelope may have hated and despised Marcia, but...
08:47Thank you, Mummy.
08:49So, you admit you hated her.
08:53How much longer must you go on torturing this poor, innocent child?
08:56Isn't it obvious that she couldn't harm an insect?
09:02You're hiding something.
09:05It's written all over your face.
09:08This... blasted bee!
09:13Oh, no! You've killed her!
09:16You can tell the sex of bees.
09:21It's still alive.
09:23Here. Hold on.
09:25I've got to stop! I couldn't live with the guilt.
09:28I confess, I wished Marcia would buzz off,
09:31but she drove me to it. I'm not a killer.
09:33If only I could go back in time.
09:35Oh, I wish I never wished she'd buzz off.
09:40Oh.
09:42Hold on.
09:47I'll be turning out of the backfield later.
09:49It's grave here.
09:51Yes, very serious.
09:53Come on, comrade. Mind your own business.
09:56Oh.
09:58Yes.
10:00Er, false alarm.
10:03Sorry to disturb you.
10:09It's all very well for you, Inspector.
10:11But how are these poor people supposed to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives?
10:17Hello?
10:19Look, you've got to stop wasting your time with that Marcia.
10:21She hasn't got an opal.
10:23You've got to move in on Monopoly.
10:25She won't fall for it. Besides, I don't even like her.
10:27What's like got to do with it?
10:29I've had five wives. I haven't liked any one of them.
10:32Now, look, it's all about romantic technique.
10:35Now, I'm your expert.
10:37Look into my eyes and pretend I'm Monopoly.
10:43It won't work.
10:46Sit down.
10:48Don't deny it. You enjoyed it.
10:50The pyjamas, the bee, the Inspector.
10:53You think you're so smart, but I'll show you.
11:01I have to win the cross-country, or it'll be a laughingstock.
11:05If only he wasn't after the opal.
11:08Look, it's all about eye contact, Conrad.
11:11Now, look lovingly into my eyes.
11:13Come on, Conrad, concentrate.
11:15Of course, the opal.
11:17I know. I wish I could trust Conrad.
11:21I wish he was honourable, principled and totally besotted with me.
11:25I can do that.
11:27No, no, no. This is a job for your father.
11:39I love you with all my heart and soul.
11:43That's it! You got it!
11:45I think you're ready. Time to get that eye popped.
11:52This will be our last stop
11:54before we conclude our ten-day special Bonmeister affect experience.
11:58Michael Wilson, Consumer Affairs, undercover Investigator.
12:01Sarah Jones, Forward Squad.
12:03Sure, we've had complaints.
12:05But we couldn't believe until we actually experienced
12:08the Bonmeister experience for ourselves.
12:11You can't make it easy for yourself.
12:13It's not really you we want.
12:15It's Bonmeister. He's your boss and you feel loyalty to him.
12:18So we don't expect you to tell us where he is.
12:20Towns Hall, Wiltshire, England.
12:22He's a stone number.
12:26See, Diana, I am no longer the man you left stranded at the altar.
12:30I know for many people that sort of...
12:32Well, how can I describe it?
12:34Rejection would be relatively traumatic.
12:36But I've spent the weekend in the forest
12:38with my chaps who wish to redefine their masculinity support group,
12:42and I've managed to turn that rejection into something more positive.
12:46My masculine brothers and I are working on bringing up
12:49the more feminine side of my incredibly male psyche.
12:52If all this came out in one weekend,
12:55imagine how far you'd progress
12:57if you went into the forest for six months.
12:59Oh, yes.
13:01But the point I'm trying to make, Diana,
13:03is that I feel I'm much more in contact...
13:09OK, Riley, I'll do your stuff.
13:14Pen, I've got to tell you something. Have you?
13:17This will probably come as a shock to you,
13:19but you're like a bolt out of the blue,
13:21and suddenly I knew that you were the love of my life,
13:23my soul mate, my destiny. I never want to leave your side.
13:26Inspector Green from the yard again.
13:34I'm looking for one von Meister.
13:37Also known as Crocodile Otto.
13:42He's wanted for extradition back to Australia
13:45to face criminal charges.
13:47Whatever my uncle's done, I'll stand by his side.
13:53Mr Meister's outside.
13:55He's a fat, repulsive oaf. You can't miss him.
14:01I'll always stand by you, but if you run, you'll end up guilty.
14:04I am guilty. Well, a little bit guilty.
14:06Here you are.
14:12This is a great call. Send assistance.
14:14Here, you come back here.
14:27Does Marcia look good or what?
14:29She's got everything going for her, Dad.
14:32She makes Penelope look so boring.
14:34Oh, fair go, mate.
14:36Looking good, girls.
14:38And she's doing all right.
14:46I wish to look more sensational than Marcia.
14:49No worries.
14:51Take it away, son.
15:01Oh, my God!
15:04Oh!
15:06Oh!
15:08Oh!
15:10Oh!
15:12Oh!
15:17Oh!
15:19Oh!
15:21Oh!
15:25Get me back on the ground immediately and make the wish!
15:31Oh!
15:33I wish to live!
15:47You knew that making me fly like a bird wouldn't look natural.
15:50Yeah, but it looked pretty sensational.
15:52I've had it with you two, twisting every wish I make.
15:55You're irresponsible. You're a disgrace.
15:57You're fired!
16:00Mate, I don't know what to say, but if you've made your mind up...
16:04Yay, Dad, you got a second!
16:06Little ragamuffin.
16:08So that's your game?
16:10Drive me crazy so I'll sack you?
16:12Well, I'm way ahead of you.
16:14I shan't be making any more wishes.
16:16Except I do wish for you to work for me manually till you learn to behave.
16:24No more wishes.
16:26What about the cross-country?
16:29I can win it on my own merits if I absolutely have to.
16:32I don't need you.
16:36Good work, son.
16:38I'm sorry, Dad. I got excited.
16:40It's not every day that Dad gets a sack.
16:45Otto, you've got to give yourself up.
16:47You can't let them slander the Bondmeister experience like that.
16:49We've got to go home and clear a good name.
16:51Why? We haven't got a good name.
16:53Oh, come on. Where's your honour? Where are your principals?
16:56It's some sort of trick question.
16:58What is your problem?
17:00I'm a chap.
17:02A chatting chap.
17:06I spell C-H-A-P.
17:10That spells chap.
17:27It's awfully brave of you to go home to face the music like this.
17:30Uh, not really.
17:32There are more places to hide out in Australia.
17:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:40Thank you for your cooperation, Marvin.
17:44Till next we meet.
17:46Adieu.
17:50I have to go back and help Otto place a bedcraster in the quarry.
17:53Can't you stay till tomorrow?
17:55I can't, Ben, because I love you,
17:57and our future depends on me saving the family business.
17:59Please, Ben.
18:01I cannot be worthy of you as a painless fool.
18:04Oh, God, Ben, sometimes I wish you were alive.
18:07Come on, fun red, we're leaving. Get a move on.
18:12Always love you, Ben.
18:25Oh, Ben, I love you.
18:38Meep, meep.
18:43We are the ladies of the beach.
18:45We are the old girls.
18:47We need the proper company.
18:49Please make your way to the last beach area.
18:52What's that?
18:54If Nancy's isn't ready, how would you expect her to do well?
18:57Really, darling, I thought you were happy with your tracksuit.
19:00But I didn't want bean green.
19:02Just green green.
19:04If I were you, Miss Penelope,
19:06I'd be more worried about that last hurdle than what you're wearing.
19:09Hello, Penelope. Love the tracksuit.
19:11Is that bean green?
19:13Yes!
19:15It's nice.
19:17I just think I'd prefer the green green, because it's twice as green.
19:20Good luck with the last hurdle.
19:22If I were you, I'd try not to think about it.
19:24Thank you, Marcia.
19:26Marcia's right. If you just forget about that last hurdle, if you don't think about it...
19:29Yes, and thank you, Baz.
19:31I'll have you know that I'm not worried about the last hurdle. I don't think about it.
19:34It's not an issue, all right!
19:36Sure. I think she's a bit tense, then.
19:39I am not tense!
19:42OK.
19:47There it is, Ben. Big hurdle.
19:49It's all right, Baz. I'm not thinking about it.
19:52Just remember to run your own race.
19:54Don't panic.
19:56Even if you're losing, don't panic.
20:00It's not where you start that matters.
20:02It's where you finish.
20:04Now, the race hasn't started yet, so you can still win it.
20:08Thank you, Bruce.
20:11Now, you sure you don't want to make a wish or two, make it easier on yourself?
20:15No. I've learned my lesson.
20:17I shan't be making any more wishes for a long, long time.
20:21And you'll be doing manual labor for an even longer time.
20:24Looks like I won't be going back to Australia for a while, hey, Dad?
20:32Good luck, Ben.
20:34Yeah, good luck, Ben!
20:35Yeah, break a leg, kiddo.
20:37You wish.
20:40Here's mud in your eye. Too bad there can only be one winner.
20:43Come on, Marcy, you can do it!
20:45On your mark...
20:46Go for it, Pearl! We don't want to win that battle!
20:48Get set...
20:49Look, Basil, will you please stop...
21:12Don't panic.
21:15Don't panic.
21:45Don't panic.
21:55Point.
22:15Point.
22:39There's mud in your eye, Marcia.
22:45Point.
22:53We can only but admire the way Penelope Towns came from behind,
22:57the way she ran her own race.
23:07I wish Conrad could see me now.
23:09No worries.
23:16Good on you, Pen.
23:18You've got to give Crinn a win for this, too.
23:20What a grip, the way she held on!
23:25Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner of this year's Crazy Pig Competition,
23:30Penelope Towns!
23:41You know how grown-ups are always saying that winning isn't everything?
23:45Well, I think I know what they mean.
23:56I'm the genie, you're the master.
23:58That's right. I'm the master, you're my genie.
24:02You belong to me.
24:03Yes!
24:04I've served a lot of masters throughout history.
24:08Now I want to go back home where I can be free.
24:13Then you come along with the opal in your hand.
24:17Now your every wish is my command.
24:21That's right.
24:27Make my wish come true.
24:29Dream on.
24:35I wish you'd do what I want you to.
24:38Oh, yeah, all right, then.
24:43Genie from down under