Episode 7 of Series 1, in an episode titled The Eternal Quadrangle. In this episode, Penelope is furious when her mother wishes they could be back in Australia and her wish is granted. To punish her, she decides to wish that Diana and Otto would fall madly in love with each other. This can only end badly...
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Monican Maughan, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Ian McFadyen, Jacinta Stapleton and Kylie Belling.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Rhys Muldoon, Glenn Meldrum, Monican Maughan, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Ian McFadyen, Jacinta Stapleton and Kylie Belling.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00I've served a lot of masters throughout history, now I want to go back home where I can be
00:12free.
00:13Then you come along with the opal in your hand, now your every wish is my command.
00:21That's right.
00:23Genie, genie from down under, make my wish come true.
00:30Dream on.
00:32Genie, genie from down under, I wish you'd do what I want you to.
00:39Oh yeah, alright.
00:40Genie from down under.
00:43Dad, we're free!
00:49Alright Diana, just give it an almighty whack.
00:53I reckon I'll just give it a bit of a nudge.
00:59Oh, bad luck.
01:04Mummy's got my magic opal and she won't give it back.
01:07I've begged and pleaded, but all to no avail.
01:11Luckily, Bruce and Baz haven't told Mummy that her every wish is their command.
01:16Bruce says he's waiting for the right moment, as if he was going to propose to her.
01:20They've been getting much too, you know, together lately.
01:24I have to do something before Mummy gets hurt.
01:28I'm only thinking of her.
01:30If she finds out Bruce is a genie, he'll make all her dreams come true and then, well,
01:36it sickens me just to think about it.
01:42I'm not very good at this sort of thing.
01:44You just do your best, Mossop, and I'll do the rest.
01:50Good shot, Mossop.
01:53Continue.
01:55Diana, I've been thinking of taking a holiday.
01:58I've got a small place down on the Isle of Wight.
02:02Good shot, Mossop!
02:04What about Positano, Saint-Tropez or Disneyland?
02:08Australia's very nice this time of year.
02:10You've got to be joking!
02:13Exactly.
02:16Mossop!
02:18You're a regular bin of soda fats.
02:20I beg your pardon?
02:22Oh, no, he was a character in a film.
02:24He wasn't called fats because he was fat.
02:26A holiday is the place to go.
02:28For heat, dust and flies, snakes and sharks.
02:30And the ozone layer has a hole in it.
02:34Oh, Mossop, bad luck.
02:36We were going so well, too.
02:38Your shot, Diana.
02:42What do you think, Bruce?
02:46I wish I could clear the table with just one shot.
02:49It shouldn't be too much trouble.
02:51Good luck, Diana.
02:53I hope you don't mind my saying so,
02:55but I don't think that snooker is really your game.
03:16Good shot.
03:18So, are you going away for a holiday?
03:20I wouldn't mind.
03:22Where do you think we should go, Baz?
03:24The Land of No Worries.
03:26That sounds delightful.
03:28Don't you wish you were there right now?
03:30I'd rather.
03:32That'd be fabulous.
03:34Oh, Mummy.
03:36Anywhere but Australia.
03:38Even the Isle of Wight.
03:40Don't you wish we were there right now?
03:42Look at that flowering cactus, darling.
03:44Isn't it amazing?
03:46Only flowers once in a blue moon.
03:48I must have known you were coming.
03:50Oh, I'm so sorry.
03:52It's all right.
03:54It's all right.
03:56It's all right.
03:58It's all right.
04:00It's all right.
04:03You're coming.
04:05Ladies, a succulent with red and white flowers,
04:08well, I...
04:10I want you to stay away from my mother.
04:12I can't do that, face.
04:13She's the boss, and her every wish is my command.
04:15You haven't even told her you're a genie.
04:17You don't want Mummy to know
04:18because you're in love with her.
04:19Well, in love with your mother?
04:21Well, where did you get an idea like that?
04:23Is that why you keep talking to her in your sleep, Dad?
04:25No, of course not, son.
04:27That's...
04:29Well, that's something else.
04:30If I were in love with your mother, and I'm not saying that I am,
04:34well, there's nothing you could do, because love has a mind of its own.
04:37I have a mind of my own.
04:39You don't have the open.
04:43Isn't this exciting, darling?
04:46I'm going to change into my gardening clothes.
04:49Good for you, Mummy.
05:01What do you think, darling?
05:04Oh, you look marvellous, Mummy.
05:25So you stole the opal from your poor, loving mother.
05:29Your poor, loving mother.
05:31And who stole it off me in the first place?
05:34Now, we can't go back to England straightaway,
05:36because Mummy's bonding with the earth, and Conrad will soon be arriving.
05:42However, your love for Mummy has to stop right now.
05:45I told you, mate, I can't do that.
05:47It's like when he talks in his sleepings.
05:49Well, if you won't fall out of love with Mummy,
05:51then Mummy will have to fall in love with someone else.
05:54Oh, be sensible. Don't do it, mate.
05:56Do be sensible first. Stop this mad infatuation.
05:59You can't do that, Penn. Infatuation just sort of happens.
06:05Well, then, I'll have to find a new love for my mother.
06:08Now, I think I'll go and get changed for Conrad.
06:15My stars said that I would go to the desert
06:18and that I'd find love there.
06:20Isn't that amazing?
06:22Because here I am, in the desert.
06:24Next thing you know, you'll fall in love.
06:26Oh, no! Don't say that.
06:29If you think it's going to happen, it won't happen.
06:31Mate, how about Matchmaking Club? What a pack of losers.
06:34What were you thinking when you organised this tour, Otto?
06:37Money. Love. Marriage.
06:39Inheritance. That's it.
06:41You inherited a busload of misfits.
06:43It's perfect. A bit of the old one-and-dime.
06:46I popped Diana the question,
06:48and Otto's your uncle to open those hours by marriage.
06:51Yeah, too bad Diana thinks you're a scumbag.
06:53Ha-ha! A mere detail.
06:55I reckon it's time for Crocodile Otto to will some of that old Otto magic.
07:01Ha-ha-ha! Pass the pickle on you, will you?
07:24That man is absolutely repulsive.
07:26It's time I unleashed some of that old Otto magic, Romeo.
07:29There she is.
07:39Ha-ha-ha!
07:48She's just playing hard to get.
07:54You wouldn't.
07:56I know. I shouldn't.
07:58But she's your mum.
08:00It's up to you, Bruce.
08:03If you're sensible, it doesn't have to happen.
08:05I told you, Pen, I can't change the way I feel.
08:08Then I wish for Mummy and Otto to fall in passionate, totally romantic love.
08:17Mr. Leicester is a walking contamination.
08:20You shake his hand, you feel diseased.
08:23A bit more tragic than magic, eh?
08:26He looks at you, you need a bath.
08:28Repulsive doesn't really do him justice.
08:30Die.
08:32Putrid repellent.
08:34Oh, Otto.
08:36Die.
08:38I've hungered for your touch.
08:40That's the word I'm looking for.
08:53I want to look romantic.
08:59I wish it were more normal.
09:01Soft, fussy, normal love.
09:10I wish it were just plain old-fashioned love.
09:19All right.
09:21I want them to love each other the way you love Mummy.
09:24And that's a wish.
09:26You'll be sorry.
09:45It's blurry.
09:47No, Miss Bailey, that's definitely the word.
09:50Magic.
09:52What did I tell you? Love is in the air.
10:00I think I feel a bit sick.
10:07You are steak-dying into a hungry man.
10:12I love you.
10:14Looks like Mummy's not interested in you anymore.
10:17Why don't you be sensible and give up?
10:21My heart won't let me surrender,
10:23even though my stomach's not taking it too well.
10:25Well, perhaps we need to distract your heart.
10:31I see two ladies, and I wish they'd both fall in love with you.
10:50Come on.
10:59G'day, mate. How's it going?
11:01Oh, it's going all right.
11:06What you been up to?
11:08Nothing much.
11:14Fancy a stroll a bit later on?
11:16Oh, yeah.
11:19Be all right?
11:23See you later, then, eh?
11:25Yeah. That'd be good.
11:30Oh, romantic.
11:32Is that love Aussie style?
11:34Nah. You're just shooting the breeze.
11:37I think love should be a bit more poetic.
11:40Isn't life great, Conrad?
11:42In fact, I wish you'd bring out the romantic poet in Conrad.
11:46I'm only a genie. You'd need a surgeon to do that.
11:56How's it going, Pen? It's good to see you again.
11:59I'm sorry.
12:23Can you hear the dogs?
12:25Thought you'd never ask.
12:29Love we will enhance if we pair up for this dance.
12:43It's all very icky, isn't it?
12:45I suppose. But people like a bit of dick now and then.
12:54Looks like they're vacuum-packed.
12:57Oh, sweets for my sweet.
13:00Look, Pen, I reckon you should cut the whole thing off.
13:03Are you suggesting that I give in?
13:06Don't be ridiculous. I'm having far too much fun.
13:12Molly Vicarian, looks like you're in trouble now, Bruce.
13:15What do you mean?
13:17I'm sure Mossie and Trish don't want to share the same man.
13:20You'll have to make a decision.
13:22I'm quite happy having a part-time man.
13:24Be a bit too... What's the word?
13:26Icky.
13:27Yes. Be too icky if he was around all the time.
13:30I feel exactly the same way.
13:38The time has come, my love is waiting.
13:40My heart's the hook that you have fated.
13:48Soft centres. My favourite.
13:57Pen, you have to change your wish.
13:59They're going to get married.
14:01Who's the lucky woman, Mossie or Trish?
14:03We've got an announcement to make.
14:05We wanted you to be the first to know.
14:08I want you to call me Dad.
14:13See? She's speechless.
14:15That's how thrilled she is.
14:17Don't forget, there's nothing wrong with a long engagement.
14:20Ten or 20 years.
14:22Oh, no, Molly.
14:2520 years.
14:26Oh, no, Mossie. We're going to tie the knot next week.
14:29Oh, love won't wait.
14:31New five marriages wouldn't be enough to keep an old devil like you down.
14:34Well, mate, you know, once that old Otto magic starts pumping,
14:37you can't hold her back.
14:39Don't weep.
14:40Aren't you going to pop round and give your new dad a kiss?
14:42Go on, darling, plant one on me.
14:47I think I'll wait till the day of the wedding.
14:49All right, darling.
14:50Mummy, are you sure about this?
14:53I mean, I've never been so sure about anything in my whole life.
14:58Otto and I are going to be together forever.
15:01Yeah.
15:02We're going to have lots of children.
15:04And as soon as we come back from the honeymoon,
15:06we're going to start the renovations.
15:12You all right, darling?
15:14Yeah.
15:15I'm just feeling a little bit overexcited, I suppose.
15:19My little pedal.
15:23No.
15:27Love, I come back.
15:29I'd love grand.
15:31Yes.
15:34I cannot wait another second.
15:36Tell me what you reckon.
15:38Do you agree our love is blissful?
15:40Is it not obvious in every kissful?
15:42Not now, Conrad.
15:43But I love you night and day.
15:45Please, Pen, don't push me away.
15:47Away?
15:48Right now, I wish on the other side of the world.
15:50I can do that.
15:54No, there.
15:58There.
16:03Otto!
16:07Have you seen Otto anywhere?
16:09Last time I saw him, he was right here.
16:12Yes, I thought you two were stapled together.
16:15Otto!
16:17You have to do something. This is all getting out of control.
16:20Tell your father to be sensible.
16:22You made the wishes.
16:23You were the one that fell in love with my mother when you weren't supposed to.
16:26Oh, Morsey, I hope he's all right.
16:29What if something dreadful has happened to him?
16:32Otto?
16:33Well, you might as well sit away and forget all about Otto.
16:36If you don't feel like a walk, I've baked a shepherd's pie.
16:39That's my specialty.
16:42Oh, Bruce, what am I going to do?
16:45Otto?
16:53What are you doing, Mr Meister?
16:56What?
16:58I just, uh...
17:02I just needed some personal space.
17:05I was starting to feel hemmed in.
17:09It's all getting a bit...
17:11Icky.
17:16Otto!
17:22What am I going to do?
17:24I can't live without my Otto.
17:26Don't worry, he'll be back as soon as he's put supper on the table.
17:29He's in the bus, Dad.
17:30I've got to find Otto.
17:31It's nothing I don't love her, cos I do.
17:33I mean, I could imagine her and me in a few little buses.
17:37But just when she started talking about...
17:41renovations, something just went clunk.
17:44I mean, it's been like that with all me other wives.
17:46You get married, everything's going great.
17:49Then they start talking about renovations.
17:54I don't know how to tell you this, Diana,
17:56but Otto is a dog.
17:58It's not the first time he's run off and left a broken heart behind.
18:02Otto wouldn't do that to me.
18:05I'd never live here as a dog.
18:08I wanted a cute little Labrador.
18:10A fluffy little puppy.
18:13Enjoy your youth, Bess.
18:16Cos...
18:18where's the renovations?
18:22You go and tell Penn that we've got a broken man here before us,
18:25and I wish she'd have some pity on him.
18:30Dad says to tell you that Otto is a broken man.
18:32He can't do the renovations.
18:37And he wishes you'd take pity on him.
18:40Very, very kind of you.
18:43Well, I just wish we had some more chocolate.
18:48Chocolate is so comforting.
19:03Crocodile Otto can't take your call at the moment.
19:05Just leave a message after the beep.
19:08Beep.
19:09Please pass on this message from me to my darling Penelope.
19:15Now that we are two apart,
19:17coldness fills my aching heart.
19:22First these renovations, then redecorate.
19:25And then you're gonna get all new appliances.
19:28It all starts with a R word.
19:31What about you, mate?
19:32You got two women chasing after you.
19:34You'll get them to make your mind up soon.
19:36I know.
19:37I like them both, but not in that special way.
19:42So you're not ready to do the renovations yet?
19:45Not ready for that sort of commitment?
19:47Nah.
19:51What have I been thinking about?
19:55How can I turn my back on the love?
19:59The sharing?
20:00The sense of belonging?
20:03And the richness of the family?
20:06Jewels?
20:08Opal?
20:10Mate, I'm going through with it, despite the renovations.
20:13If you're telling me Ben didn't eat, I'm gonna beg her to take me back.
20:16Dad!
20:17Son, tell Penelope the marriage is back on.
20:21And now he reckons he doesn't want to have anything to do with either of us.
20:24But I baked my special shepherd's pie for him.
20:26I thought it was his favourite.
20:28Odd it was the wind beneath my wings.
20:31And I had run out of pop.
20:33Men.
20:34The world would be a better place without them.
20:36Yes.
20:38I think you're right.
20:39If there were no men, there'd be no wars.
20:43And no divorce.
20:45And no more cricket.
20:47Wouldn't that be a blessing?
20:50Men are lower than the lice on a scurvy dog's back.
20:54I wouldn't spit on a man if he was on fire.
20:57If a man was starving and dying of thirst right here, right now,
21:01I'd laugh in his face.
21:04Otto wants to get married straight away.
21:10Gentle lover, my love.
21:14I knew he'd come back.
21:19Rise up out of the sea with seven heads and ten horns.
21:23Otto!
21:25Otto, my darling!
21:28Otto!
21:29Otto!
21:33John, I was a fool,
21:35and I want you to know that I won't let a few measly renovations
21:39stand between you and me
21:42and the opportunity to achieve everlasting happiness.
21:46Otto, my love.
21:47I want to be with you forever.
21:49I want your name.
21:51I want to have your children.
21:56We've got a minister here
21:58who's ready and willing.
22:01What do you say? Is this a great day for a wedding or what?
22:04Yes!
22:07Dear friends,
22:09we're here today to welcome the new lord of the manor,
22:12the love of my life,
22:14the wonderful and totally charming Otto von Meister.
22:19You get into him, tell him what's what.
22:23Ladies and germs.
22:26It is a pleasure to meet you.
22:29Anyway, here's looking up your old address, eh?
22:44Into which holy estate these two persons present
22:48come now to be joined.
22:51Therefore, if any man can show any just cause
22:54why they may not lawfully be joined together,
22:57let him now speak,
22:59or else hereafter forever halt his peace.
23:06Yeah, I object.
23:07Who objects?
23:08What are you objecting to?
23:10What's going on?
23:11It's... it's just too icky.
23:14Otto!
23:15Daniel, listen to me.
23:16I didn't do it.
23:17Our love is an icky.
23:18I didn't do it.
23:20I wish everything was back to normal.
23:23Nothing's going to spoil this magical day for us.
23:27Hey!
23:29Don't worry about bears.
23:31We still want to get hitched, don't we, darling?
23:33Darling?
23:34I'm sorry, I feel a bit nauseous.
23:37Come here, my baby.
23:41Looks like that old Otto magic's working a treat, eh?
23:44Dotty!
23:46Diddums!
23:48Diddlypop!
23:52I'm sorry that love didn't come your way,
23:55but gee, we had some really good times, didn't we?
23:59Eh?
24:00From now on, I'm going to mind my own business.
24:02There are just some things that people have to work out for themselves.
24:09But sometimes I wish that...
24:11I'd love to.
24:23There are exceptions, though,
24:25but I've definitely learned my lesson.
24:27I don't know how Mummy's going to cope,
24:29but from now on, she's just going to have to take care of her own affairs.
24:45I'm the genie, you're the master.
24:47That's right. I'm the master, you're the master.
24:51I'm the master, you're my genie.
24:54You belong to me. Yes!
24:56I've served a lot of masters throughout history.
25:00Now I want to go back home where I can be free.
25:05Then you come along with the opal in your hand.
25:09Now your every wish is my command.
25:13That's right.
25:14Genie, genie from down under
25:18Make my wish come true
25:20Dream on.
25:22Genie, genie from down under
25:26I wish you'd do what I want you to
25:29Ah, yeah, all right then.
25:35Genie from down under