The Genie From Down Under (1998) (S2, Ep 10)
Episode 10 of 13 of Series 2 (titled The Opal is a Boomerang). In this episode, Penelope is horrified when Mr Repo - the head of the Aboriginal tribe Yapinchdit - claims the opal belongs to them, as it was stolen from them centuries ago. As both Otto and then Darlene, the Aboriginal tour guide, stake claims on it, it has to go to court to be decided just who owns the opal. Who will win out at the end?
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Sandy Winton, Glenn Meldrum, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Bobbi Henry, Ian McFadyen, Monica Maughan and Tony Briggs.
Stars Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Sandy Winton, Glenn Meldrum, Mark Mitchell, Fletcher Humphrys, Bobbi Henry, Ian McFadyen, Monica Maughan and Tony Briggs.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00The town's heritage. Fruits of endeavour, rare art and priceless antiques. Come in.
00:09After countless requests, mommy has finally allowed the public in to see our most personal
00:17and private possessions. This was borrowed from Chichester Library in 1932. Hope you
00:25don't get fined. I wonder who this was borrowed from. Most of these things have been collected
00:33by my great ancestor, Sir Claude Townes. For generations, the Townes family has strived
00:38to preserve things that might otherwise have been lost. Hey, Dad! Where do you reckon this
00:42comes from? Footloose and fancy free, eh, old chap? Going on a date with Bubbles, mommy?
00:50No, I've gone right off, men. The chaps in my support group, chaps who've been rejected
00:56by women, actually suggested a support group for your mother. And I like the sound of it.
01:00It's called MAN. M-A-N. Men Aren't Necessary. It's for women who are sick of men hanging
01:06around and getting in the way all the time. Oh! Sorry. We're on our way to a meeting right
01:12now. What do you mean, we? Men Aren't Necessary, Bubbles. Do you think you'll be welcome?
01:18I was hoping to organise a sort of social function between the two groups, together.
01:22You mean the chaps who've been rejected by women, in the same room with the women who
01:27think men aren't necessary? Too helpful? There's another idea. How about we start off with...
01:37Miss Townes. Miss Penelope Townes. Yes. My name is Reaper. Kevin Reaper. Hello. I'm
01:45here for the Australian Government, to serve you with a warrant for the seizure of that opal.
01:55And all these documents prove conclusively that the opal was stolen from the
01:59Epingetit people. Now, we want it back. But it... Well, it... Bruce, say something.
02:09Um... Well, he's technically right, Pen. I mean, the Epingetits had the opal long before
02:14Sir Claude. Yeah. We knew your great-great-great-grandfather, Kev. He was fun.
02:22We... We want our opal back, so if you'll just hand it over, I'll give you a receipt and be on my way.
02:28But it belongs to me now. So you're a thief too, just like Sir Claude.
02:33Sir Claude was not a thief. He was a great man. You're kidding. You think he got any of this stuff legally?
02:40I mean, you trace anything, anything at all in this room, and it'll turn out to be stolen from somewhere else.
02:46We are not thieves. There are lots of people who would disagree.
02:50Well, if there are so many people who disagree, I wish they'd tell me right now.
02:55Whoa!
03:00The statue is from the Acropolis!
03:03Many geniuses of my life have mourned the loss of this.
03:08Oh, excusez-moi, pardonnez-moi.
03:10Oh, c'est un loup! This is the Louis XIV du V.
03:14Sir, your great-great-grandfather took from my great-great-grandfather while cheating the cards.
03:19Oh, the naughty girl.
03:22Oh, come up here. Why did I wear this dress?
03:28I'm here for my opal.
03:30It's not your opal. It's my opal.
03:33Sir Claude Towne stole it from my ancestor, Herman von Meister.
03:37And he stole it from my tribe.
03:39And your tribe borrowed it from my tribe before that.
03:42Sis, we should stick together.
03:44Hey, Herman von Meister paid for that opal fair and square. Fourteen beads and a bottle of rum.
03:48Now, I don't think he can get any better than that.
03:50Oh, come on. It's Aboriginal property.
03:52Yeah, that's right, sis. You tell him.
03:54The British Empire has plundered the four corners of the world for years.
03:57And everyone did it. The Romans used to rob from the Greeks.
04:00Yeah, the Egyptians used to rip off the Babylonians. Remember, Dad?
04:04Those were the days.
04:07I'm from the Chichester Library.
04:12There's an old elephant outside.
04:15It's only got three legs.
04:18Oh, this isn't fair. Please, somebody stop them.
04:21I just wish somebody would sort out this mess.
04:28Order! Order!
04:35Order! Order!
04:38Order in the court!
04:42I am proceeding with the matter of the Nations of the World versus Penelope Tower.
04:49Judge Smythe is the meanest judge in England.
04:52He's a bitter and disillusioned man.
04:54Why?
04:55He's Bubble's father.
04:57Silence! Or I'll order a flogging.
05:00Now, where is this opal?
05:04Objection, Your Honour.
05:06Why are you objecting?
05:09I don't know. I just saw it on television and thought...
05:12Miss Townes, the opal is Exhibit A.
05:15If you do not give it to me, you will be in contempt of court.
05:19Is that bad?
05:21Do you wish to be thrown in jail?
05:23Certainly not.
05:31Thank you.
05:33Mr Repo, you may state your case.
05:36Thank you, Your Honour.
05:39I put it to you that the property allegedly owned by the Townes family
05:44is in fact stolen.
05:47Everything, including the opal,
05:50was stolen from every corner of this globe.
05:59Order!
06:01I'll have you all flogged.
06:04Call your first witness.
06:06I call Lady Diana Townes.
06:09Mummy?
06:11Call Lady Diana Townes.
06:20Mummy, what's happened to you?
06:23My M.A.M. support group has given me a new perspective.
06:27I'm tough and strong and I can make it on my own, without men.
06:37Do you swear to tell the truth?
06:40Yep.
06:42Lady Townes, is it not true that Sir Claude Townes was a thief?
06:48That's just typical of the male attitude.
06:52Of course Sir Claude was a thief.
06:54But you can't ignore the contribution us Townes women have made throughout the ages.
06:59We've stolen just as much as the men.
07:01I ask that this testimony be stricken from the record.
07:04On what grounds?
07:06She's lost her fashion sense. She's clearly unbalanced.
07:10I'm going to make amends.
07:12Whatever's left after today
07:14will be sold to raise money for Third World children.
07:17Can I ask for a short recess, Your Honour?
07:21For what purpose?
07:24I'd like to cry.
07:27Mr. Regal!
07:31Mr. Regal!
07:35I'd like to draw the attention of this court to the opal itself.
07:43You've rubbed the opal in your...
07:45Silence in the court!
07:47This rare black opal is only found in Australia.
07:52I wish I could tell you more about it, but...
07:57Oh!
07:59Actually, I will.
08:01The opal was first mined in the Winora region.
08:03That's where I come from.
08:05Told you it belonged to us.
08:07That was about 7,000 years ago.
08:09Oh!
08:11The rock was traded back and forth between the tribes.
08:15It even went to Indonesia.
08:17Objection, Your Honour. Mr. Repo's got rocks in his head.
08:20Objection sustained.
08:22Give me that opal.
08:27You've rubbed the opal...
08:29Silence!
08:31Your Honour, what happens if ownership of the opal can't be proven?
08:35I will give the opal to the World Heritage Museum in Geneva,
08:39where it will be available for all to see, not touch.
08:46My name is Otto von Meister, humble servant of the people.
08:50I want to address the court because I am without any shadow of a doubt
08:55the rightful owner of that opal.
08:57That's what I am!
09:01Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
09:07Come again?
09:09I wish you'd just tell the truth and get on with it.
09:12Are you saying that you're the rightful owner of the opal?
09:16That's what I was saying, but it's complete bull twang.
09:20It's completely untrue.
09:24I'm just trying to bluff the audience.
09:29Are you saying that your ancestor lawfully owned the opal?
09:33Herman von Meister? Nah.
09:37He was a money-hungry old rat bear.
09:40He would have stolen the opal and given nothing in return.
09:43I would do exactly the same thing today, given half a chance.
09:46You mark my words.
09:50Your witness.
09:54No questions, Your Honour.
09:56You've been very illuminating, Mr. von Meister. You may stand down.
10:03Miss Towns, you may proceed.
10:06Didn't go as well as we'd planned, did it? Trick questions!
10:10I only have one witness, Your Honour. I'd like to call Bruce.
10:16Is this a good idea?
10:18Do you want to spend your days in a glass case in Geneva?
10:24State your full name.
10:26Bruce.
10:28Uh, Bruce.
10:30Mr Abruse.
10:32Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
10:37I do.
10:39Mr Abruse, please tell the court in your own words
10:44who has owned the opal for the past 2,000 years.
10:47The opal's gone back and forth
10:49between the Eupinster people and the We Got It Now clan.
10:52Then Hermann von Meister ripped it off from a Eupinster woman.
10:55Let it go!
10:58Oh, yes, sorry, Your Honour.
11:01Then Sir Claude won it by, well, cheating in a game of poker.
11:04Objection, Your Honour! This is hearsay!
11:07The witness has no prior knowledge of these events.
11:10Tell me, Bruce, were you or were you not there at the time?
11:14Yes, I was there.
11:17Oh, damn!
11:19I wish the gallery to remain silent!
11:28Bruce knows what he's talking about
11:30because he and his son live in the opal, don't you?
11:34Yes, we do.
11:35I'll pull the other one to play his jingle bells.
11:37Objection, Your Honour! He's telling porkies!
11:39May I ask the court to remind the witness that he is under oath?
11:44I love it when you talk like that.
11:46To clarify this, Bruce, you'll need to explain who you are.
11:51Well, I can't.
11:53I wish you'd stop fudging and just tell us who you are.
11:59I'm a genie, Your Honour.
12:02Objection! He's making a fuss at these proceedings.
12:05I'm moved for a mistrial.
12:07Because Bruce and Bass have lived in the opal for 5,000 years,
12:10it's clearly their opal.
12:12And, of course, I'm his custodian.
12:16A genie, hmm?
12:18So you do magic, that sort of thing?
12:22Well, yeah.
12:24Let's see some magic.
12:28You have to wish for something, Your Honour.
12:31Oh, he grants wishes, don't he?
12:33Oh, let me see.
12:35I wish for a nice, big, juicy adam.
12:42Oh, too hard for you?
12:45You have to be touching the opal, Your Honour.
12:48Oh, I have to be touching the opal?
12:51Oh, so you wouldn't want me to spin around three times
12:54and stand on my head as well?
12:56Oh, no, no, no, Your Honour, just touching.
12:59Towns!
13:01I've had enough of you and this charlatan!
13:05I am making my judgment.
13:08I find that nobody has successfully proved ownership of the opal,
13:13and so I am sending it to the museum in Geneva,
13:16where it will remain on display forever.
13:20In the meantime, until it can be collected tomorrow,
13:24I want it kept in a totally secure room,
13:27with the best possible electronic surveillance,
13:30touch-sensitive floors, and bulletproof glass.
13:34And that is my final wish!
13:39Oh!
13:45You can't steal the opal, Pen.
13:47Can't I? Just watch me.
13:49I mean, even if the towns did steal things in the first place,
13:52people have got no right to just steal them back.
13:54There's too much theft going on.
13:56This is where it ends.
13:59You're just like Sir Claude.
14:01Do you want to sit in a glass case in Geneva forever?
14:04Well...
14:05We'd never see Australia again.
14:08I'd never see Diana again.
14:23Shh! No noise.
14:27It's open.
14:29Look out!
14:31Shh!
14:37Um...
14:42OK, it's all clear.
14:44Yeah?
14:50Shh! No noise!
14:52Ow!
14:54Shh! Shh!
14:56No noise! No noise!
15:03Glad you inspired me, m'lady.
15:05You've liked the MAM philosophy, then, Lawson?
15:07No, just the hairstyle.
15:09Put your mask on.
15:16We've got to get that opal back to the people who really need it.
15:19You don't think anybody will recognise us?
15:22How could they?
15:27Lawson!
15:29From here on in, absolute silence!
15:32I beg your pardon, m'lady.
15:36Shh!
15:50Two guards.
15:52Leaving...
15:54Now we have exactly ten minutes until they return.
15:57Let's synchronise watches.
15:59We haven't got any watches.
16:06Give me your life, and I'll have yours!
16:09Ow! Ow! Ow!
16:11Ah!
16:13Give me the other one!
16:15Get in! Get in!
16:17I'll kill him, sir!
16:23Here I go.
16:35Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:17Careful.
17:19The slightest vibrations will set off the alarms.
17:36Oh, no.
17:49Yes!
17:51Ah!
18:02I wish there was a fake opal in a new glass case and we were out of here!
18:21Oh!
18:51Ah!
19:11Oh, I love the way you did that.
19:21Ah!
19:52Oh!
19:54Oh, no!
19:56Oh!
19:58Come on.
20:00All right, Emma. I'm coming.
20:03Come on!
20:05All right!
20:07Ah!
20:09Oh!
20:11Oh!
20:22Oh!
20:32Ah!
20:52Oh!
20:54Ah!
20:56Oh!
20:58You see, my lady, men are necessary.
21:06Ah!
21:08Oh!
21:10I'm just checking for my wodens,
21:13at the request of my good friend Lady Towns.
21:16Ahem. We're her friends, too.
21:19Who are you chaps?
21:21The gasmen.
21:23Just reading the meter.
21:25Well, carry on.
21:34Oh!
21:36Oh!
21:38Oh!
21:40Oh!
21:42Ah!
21:44You all right?
21:46That must have hurt, mate.
21:48I don't know what that means.
21:51And I had such a fantastic plan, too.
21:55I was going to replace the oval with a fake one.
21:58Look, look, look in there.
22:00Look, look at it.
22:02Oh!
22:04Ah!
22:06Ah!
22:14Good work, men.
22:16I'm sure the oval will be in very safe hands from now on.
22:19It certainly will.
22:21The safest of hands.
22:23The hands it should have been in, in the first place.
22:25The hands that deserve it.
22:27Strictly speaking, it's in a glass cave.
22:30So technically, it's not in anyone's hands at all.
22:33That would suggest that...
22:36I'll just be quiet now.
22:38Yes, I think that would be best, sir.
22:41Does your head feel as oily as mine?
23:12So, you've replaced all your old stuff with fakes, Pimp.
23:15Don't be silly, Baz.
23:17I got your father to make sure all those other people had the fakes,
23:20and I've got our old things back again.
23:22But isn't that stealing?
23:24Oh, Baz, Baz, Baz, Baz, Baz.
23:27So naive.
23:29But you've got their stuff.
23:31But they don't know that, so they're happy.
23:33Thanks to me.
23:35And I'm happy thanks to me.
23:37Oh, you must have a heart as big as the Outback
23:39to be so generous, Pen.
23:41Oh, thank you, Bruce.
23:44Actually, I've learned a lot about the true value of things.
23:47I've learned that there's nothing like the real thing.
23:50Especially this.