The Genie From Down Under (1998) (S2, Ep 6)
Episode 6 of Series 2 (titled Lord of the Nail Files). In this episode, a school trip to the Australian outback proves disasterous when Otto - hired as a guide - is frightened off by the attentions of teacher Miss Chatterly, leaving them stranded. Worse, Marcia now has Penelope's opal, and her father is madly in love with Penelope's mother Diana!
Starring Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Mark Mitchell, Petra Jared, Glenn Meldrum, Sandy Winton, Ian McFadyen, Fletcher Humphrys, Nicholas Bell and Marie-Louise Hunter.
Starring Alexandra Milman, Anna Galvin, Mark Mitchell, Petra Jared, Glenn Meldrum, Sandy Winton, Ian McFadyen, Fletcher Humphrys, Nicholas Bell and Marie-Louise Hunter.
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00I can't go on much longer. I don't think I can make it. I'm on my last legs.
00:11Funny how it started so innocently only a week ago.
00:19It's not good enough, Bruce. I'm absolutely sick of you twisting my wishes.
00:23Me? I wouldn't do that.
00:25I wished for a quiet break. What is this?
00:27Well, it's broken in three places.
00:29What if Marcia sees me? I wish to be exactly the way I was this morning and no tricks.
00:33If you insist.
00:37Is that your new look for the school photo, Penelope?
00:44For the last time, Bruce, I wish to be in my school uniform and no tricks.
00:50Right. You are incompetent. But I've learnt my lesson. I'm not making any more wishes.
00:57If I don't make wishes, you can't trick me.
00:59And then I definitely won't end up in some horrible place like Australia.
01:03Girls, we're going to Australia.
01:12Miss Tynes.
01:20Is that a hair out of place?
01:23Sorry, Miss Chatley. Won't happen again.
01:27Now, girls, we're off to the outback.
01:31We'll be facing perilous conditions.
01:33So more than ever, it's important to maintain our standards.
01:36What standards do I mean, Miss Tynes?
01:39Your motto, Miss Chatley.
01:41Clean with a sheen is the Hydeen dream.
01:44And what else, Miss Huntley?
01:48You can accomplish any enterprise if you cleanse, tone and moisturise.
01:52Exactly. Remember that.
01:55And we'll survive whatever perils the outback may pit against us.
01:59Of course, there'll be some supervising parents with us.
02:02And we've also employed two Australian consultants.
02:07Mr Bruce and his son, Baz.
02:11G'day.
02:18Can I give you a hand?
02:20I can manage, thank you.
02:24I'm glad you're one of the parents going on the tour.
02:26You'll be even happier that Mosse is going as the cook.
02:29At least you'll have someone to talk to.
02:33I'm tired of you disappearing every time we seem to be...
02:37To be?
02:38You know.
02:40I don't want to talk to you because if we start, you'll just...
02:47Disappear.
02:53Why did you rub that?
02:54I want you to know something.
02:56Well, I already know something. Can I leave now?
02:59I want you to know that no matter how many trials we may face in the outback,
03:02I won't be making any wishes.
03:04I'm going to completely ignore you.
03:07You won't be the only one.
03:18Lady Towles.
03:20Nigel Huntley, ex-Royal Marines.
03:22I've saved you a seat.
03:24Oh, thank you.
03:29Couldn't you find your hairbrush, Penelope?
03:32Come along, Baz.
03:35Australia, here we come!
03:39On the mainland, we'll be met by our tour guide.
03:43He's a living legend of the bush, and he's highly recommended.
03:48The outback.
03:50It's cruel, it's vicious, and it's dangerous.
03:54Death lurks everywhere.
03:57You can die in any one of a dozen different ways.
04:00You can wake up dead before you even know what's done you.
04:04No worries.
04:06Wasn't too technical, was I?
04:08Oh, no. You're very good. You're so...
04:11evocative.
04:16Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.
04:18The air-conditioner's on the blink.
04:20I've been on the bugle, haven't I? A bit pony.
04:23Oh, no. In fact, I...
04:26I love a real man scent.
04:30It's so difficult being a single parent.
04:33I'm looking forward to bonding with my daughter Marcia on this excursion.
04:38Marcia's Penelope's best friend.
04:41I'm surprised we haven't met before.
04:43Diana, I think it's an absolute crime we haven't met before.
05:00Cop an eyeful of this, eh?
05:02What a pearler. The gem in Mother Nature's crown.
05:06Now, I have chosen this site specifically with your needs in mind,
05:10so just enjoy.
05:12Oh, smell that air, guys.
05:15Smells like home.
05:18Reminds me of the Kipangere ranges of Tanzania.
05:22Spent a year there once, studying dirt.
05:24Oh, how earthy.
05:27Come here, if you are.
05:34Stunning figure of a man, isn't he?
05:37Oh, yes.
05:39Unfortunately, Cormac's thick as a plank.
05:42I mean Otto von Meister.
05:45So rugged, so animalistic.
05:48Animalistic?
05:50Yes, like a warthog.
05:54Reminds me of Nepal, living with the Sherpas for six months.
05:59You've lived a very full life, Nigel.
06:01Well, so I thought, until I met you.
06:06Don't you wish Nigel a B.O. or something?
06:09I don't need magic, remember?
06:15Now, girls, I want everybody to have their tents erected
06:18and be changed in 15 minutes.
06:24Ladies, it's time.
06:27It's time.
06:51Oh, I can't let it get bright.
06:58You rubbed?
07:00I've just got one tiny, teensy little wish, just this once.
07:04I wish to look absolutely perfect.
07:06Not a hair out of place.
07:08Perfect skin, perfect tone, perfect complexion.
07:11I don't want my clothes to crinkle.
07:13I wish them to hang perfectly at all times.
07:15I don't want them to get dirty, not a single scuff mark.
07:18In other words, I wish to look absolutely amazing for the entire trip,
07:21regardless of what happens.
07:23Oh.
07:26Lucky it wasn't a big wish.
07:28Miss Tynes, will you be joining us?
07:37Let's explore, shall we?
07:49What's this plant called?
07:51I don't know.
07:53Uh, this one?
07:55Oh, Darlene could tell you that, but it's, um, it's a week off.
07:58Oh, get in there.
08:00Come on.
08:02Now, now.
08:04Ahem.
08:06Oh, Mrs Shatterley.
08:11It's Miss, actually.
08:13Really?
08:15That seems hard to believe.
08:17That's only because a man of your good looks
08:19animal magnetism could have any woman he wants.
08:24You don't know what it's like to crave.
08:29Look, you honestly, you got to put a little more sun cream on.
08:32You got to splash it right on, even wear a hat.
08:35I want you, Mr Von Meister, like I've wanted no other man.
08:42Um, look, uh, oh, excuse me a minute.
08:45I just got to confer with my associates.
08:49Conrad, get out of here quick!
08:56What is going on?
08:58Shut up, shut up, shut up.
09:00Come here, come here.
09:04Miss Huntley, is that a smudge?
09:09Oh, uh, sorry, Miss Shatterley.
09:13Never forget, you're a high-dealing gal.
09:17Just remember something, something back home.
09:19You just can't wait. It's important, all right?
09:22I've got to rush.
09:29Mr Von Meister! Mr Von Meister!
09:32You're not leaving us, are you?
09:34Oh, Mrs Shatterley, yeah, a bit of an emergency's cropped up
09:36and I've got to shoo through.
09:37But don't worry, I'm leaving you in very capable hands.
09:40But they're not the hands I was hoping for, Mr Von Meister.
09:44Conrad, I'll be in touch.
09:47I'll be in touch.
09:59Do not despair, ladies.
10:01We can still enjoy nature, with or without Herr Von Meister.
10:17It's not my fault, Miss Shatterley. Penelope's reflexes are so slow.
10:21There is an important lesson to be learned here, girls.
10:25You'll notice that Miss Tynes is quite immaculate,
10:28even though she is unconscious.
10:31Very good work, Miss Tynes. B plus.
10:35Although...
10:37I'd have to deduct marks for this.
10:41It doesn't match or... coordinate.
10:45I'll mind that for her, Miss Shatterley.
10:47I am her best friend, after all.
10:53It's all right, Miss Tynes. You'll be fine.
10:57Wakey, wakey.
10:59You've rubbed the opal in your hand.
11:01Shh, there, there. Penelope's waking up.
11:03I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
11:06Your make-up is still impeccable.
11:16Are you ready to cook now? Where's the food?
11:19The food? It's on the bus.
11:25Oh, wow, Uncle Otto, you've really done it this time.
11:29You mean there's no food? No food at all?
11:32Oh, no, there's food. There's tons of it.
11:34It's just... it's on the bus with my Uncle Otto.
11:39Stop that. You're hiding it.
11:43Stop that. You're hiding, girls. You'll ruin your mascara.
11:46Everything will be all right. Oh, no.
11:49Quiet, Miss Tynes.
11:51If we cleanse, tone and moisturise, there shouldn't be a problem.
11:54That's fine for you, but if there's no food, I can't cook.
11:57If I can't cook, I don't have a job.
11:59What am I going to do, sit here and starve to death without a job?
12:03It's just not right.
12:05I must have dropped it.
12:07Miss Tynes, please, this is not the time.
12:10It's all right. Daddy knows how to survive in the wilderness.
12:13Don't you, Daddy?
12:16Well, yes, of course. It was some time ago.
12:19Oh, Nigel, it's like you were meant to be here.
12:22Yes, of course. So what do you think we should do first, then, Nigel?
12:26Well, er...
12:28Well, the first thing is, er...
12:31Would it be water, Nigel? Oh, please, I'm trying to think.
12:35Water. Yes, that's what we need, water.
12:38We'll have to dig in some dried-up riverbed.
12:41I'll need a map.
12:43It's on the bus.
12:45OK, fine. Well, then I'll use a compass.
12:50Compass? That'll be on the bus too.
12:53Well, then we'll improvise, eh?
12:56Perhaps we should dig over there.
13:00Get the shovels, eh?
13:02They're on the bus.
13:05We do have our nail files.
13:09Jolly good.
13:27Mother, have you seen my Opal?
13:30That's the last of the water.
13:32What will we do? We won't be able to make tea.
13:35Daddy'll find water.
13:37And don't you wish that water bottle would always be full?
13:41Yes, of course I do.
13:46Brush! I don't care how she got it, I wish I had it back now.
13:50Sorry, Pam. Rules are rules.
14:03WHISTLE BLOWS
14:12Shouldn't you be helping him find water?
14:15Oh, I don't want to cramp his style.
14:18I wish Daddy would find something.
14:24Huh?
14:27It's gold.
14:29I found gold. Look, everyone, it's gold.
14:33I found gold.
14:40Marcia, have you got my Opal?
14:43How can you be thinking about trinkets at a time like this?
14:47You really are selfish, Penelope.
14:50Good to see you're maintaining the height in standards, Miss Tynes.
14:55Ooh!
14:57How do you manage to keep your hair looking so shiny and healthy?
15:01Well, Marcia, I'll tell you if you give me back my Opal.
15:05You're doing it to spite me. You're just doing it to make me look bad.
15:09You watch your back, Penelope Towns.
15:19I've decided to record my thoughts of our struggle to survive in the wilderness.
15:24Should anything happen to us, at least people will know what we went through.
15:30As the hours and days of our ordeal wore on,
15:33the hunger became unbearable.
15:36Nigel decided our only hope for survival was to eat our cosmetics.
15:41Day 3
15:59Sorry!
16:04Day 3 and still no sign of rescue.
16:07I'm beginning to detect subtle changes within the group.
16:11Standards are starting to slip.
16:15Desperation is starting to take hold.
16:18The hiding standard.
16:22Gone.
16:31Day 4 and now I'm really starting to worry about the girls.
16:35It's as if they're returning to some sort of primitive, wild state.
16:42And on a personal note, Marcia looks terrible without make-up.
16:49If I say it's very fetching, will you give me back my Opal?
16:54Can't. Delicate complexion.
16:57Put it on!
17:00Day 5
17:02Not one of us.
17:05Not one of us.
17:18Day 6
17:20Kill it!
17:29Chatterley's Wig! Chatterley's Wig!
17:45Certainly is a bonding experience for the girls, isn't it?
17:55Miss Chatterley's Wig had saved my life.
17:58But I knew it was only a matter of time before they turned on me again.
18:01I had to get my opal back.
18:04Choosing my moment carefully, I struck while Marcia slept.
18:08I knew I'd only get one chance.
18:16My! Aren't we strong?
18:19Thieves will be punished!
18:21Thieves will be punished!
18:29I knew if I stayed, I'd end up like Miss Chatterley's wig, or worse.
18:35Struggling to appear calm, I headed into the bush.
18:38Somebody had to save us, or die trying.
18:42Better keep an eye on her, Baz.
18:49Hour after hour, mile after mile we trekked,
18:53searching for any faint trace of civilization.
18:57The heat and gnawing hunger were relentless.
19:00Yes. Yes, I think we should categorically rule out cannibalism.
19:08I mean, it's just not British to even consider eating human flesh under any circumstances.
19:17Mind you, Mossop is the eldest.
19:24It's hot.
19:26What would you know? You're never hot or hungry.
19:29Nothing ever worries a genie, does it?
19:31I'm worried about you.
19:37Willpower. That's a key.
19:41Mind over matter, what?
19:44I remember once, in the Nile Delta,
19:47me and the troops having to eat camel poo-poo.
19:49Dreadful state of affairs.
19:52Mind you,
19:54with the right garnish...
20:16It's like we're sharing the same mirage.
20:18Yes, but I wish it was a nice cup of tea.
20:24I can't tell how bad Penelope is. She still looks amazing.
20:28Do you mind? I'm narrating this.
20:38Where's Penelope?
20:42I haven't seen her for ages.
20:45I don't know where she is.
20:47I haven't seen her for ages.
20:49I haven't seen her for ages.
20:51I haven't seen her for ages.
20:52Who?
20:54Penelope, my daughter.
20:55You mean the noisy one?
20:57I'm sure she's all right.
21:00I wouldn't be too sure about that.
21:02If she's wandered off, lions could have taken her.
21:04We're in Australia.
21:06All right, wild pandas. They're awfully fast.
21:08Oh, Penelope!
21:12There, there, Diana. There, there.
21:15If she's gone, she's gone. That's terrible.
21:19There's one less person to eat her.
21:23I can't go on much longer.
21:25I don't think I can make it.
21:27I'm on my last legs.
21:31Funny how it started so innocently only a week ago.
21:53Oh, we're saved.
22:09It's Penelope!
22:11She saved us!
22:13And she looks magnificent.
22:16Everything a hiding girl should be so.
22:19Look how this...
22:23Quick, girls, run.
22:25A hiding girl can't be seen looking less than her best.
22:28We are a disgrace to our school and our motto.
22:41Where have you been, Uncle Otto?
22:43I spent a ten of years on a business of my own.
22:45Don't worry about it, all right?
22:47Darling! You're sick!
22:49The boots!
22:52They're so wet.
22:55I wish we were just cleaned up.
22:58I'm back at hiding right now.
23:00Oh, yes.
23:06Oh, no.
23:08Shame you look so awful, Penelope.
23:10Especially when everyone else looks so pretty.
23:14Oh, yes, and here's your opal bag.
23:16It doesn't seem especially lucky, and I really don't think it's me.
23:21I must admit, I did alter the photographs.
23:23Not to make myself more beautiful or anything.
23:26I just gave myself a little smile, that's all.
23:28I've found that you don't need to be especially beautiful
23:31when everyone else around you is especially ugly.
23:34See?
23:38And sometimes it's nice to share the magic with a friend.
23:41Oh, yes, and here's your opal bag.
23:43It doesn't seem especially lucky, and I really don't think it's me.
23:46Oh, yes, and here's your opal bag.
23:49It doesn't seem especially lucky, and I really don't think it's me.
23:51Oh, yes, and here's your opal bag.
23:53It doesn't seem especially lucky, and I really don't think it's me.