A Bit of a Do S01E06 The Registry Office Wedding (1989)
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00:00Oh, no, I'd have loved a day at the races. Well, it sounds like I've got a bit of a due
00:15on.
00:16Oh, a wedding?
00:17Well, yeah, I have got to be there. It's pretty vital I'm there, actually.
00:23A bit of a due. A bit of a due. Smiling faces in public places. Getting to know the in-laws
00:41much better than expected. A bit of a due. Invited to a bit of a due. It's a small town,
00:52posh, nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing you shit. Others who
01:02are seeing through you. A bit of a due. All tickety-boo. The bride's dimension attracts
01:17attention. A scruffy young groom who defies convention. A bit of a due. A bit of a due.
01:23Invited to a bit of a due. Do-do-do.
01:46You said we'd be early.
01:53Let's not go in till we have to. These places make me nervous. Long as I've seen them already.
01:59Oh, me too. I hope you look lovely today.
02:03Oh, thanks.
02:04Don't know why I say today. It makes it sound as though you don't look lovely every day
02:10and you do.
02:11Thanks.
02:12I assume.
02:13You what?
02:14Well, I don't see you every day. It's just possible that on the days I don't see you,
02:21you look lovely and on the days I don't see you, you look hideous. But it's extremely
02:26improbable. Statistically.
02:29You are an idiot.
02:33Come on. Churns me up when you say nice little things like that. If it wasn't for my making
02:40love to you, I wouldn't have split up with Jenny and now I've split up with Jenny and
02:43I'm afraid to make love to you. I can't because you're marrying me ruddy brother.
02:46You don't want me. You still love Jenny. That's why you're so nervous because she's going
02:51to be here.
02:53Rubbish.
02:57Sodding cars, sodding inadequate municipal parking facilities.
03:01The great philosopher has spoken.
03:03Why can't I park a car?
03:05Because philosophers aren't practical men. I doubt that Jean-Paul Sartre could reverse
03:09into a parking space.
03:10Jean-Paul Sartre didn't have to work for cock-a-doodle chickens.
03:15I feel nervous. I shouldn't be here if it's family only.
03:19You're engaged to me, brother. You're just about scraping.
03:21I think there's shorter people to invite.
03:23Well, let's get inside. Bloody freezing.
03:41Ma, good God.
03:43Thank you very much.
03:45No, no, it's... Oh, you look amazing. You look lovely.
03:50Thank you very much. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you're surprised.
03:54Hello, Carol. Congratulations.
04:03Uh, listen, boys, I've brought a friend.
04:06What sort of a friend?
04:08A male sort of a friend.
04:10What?
04:11Thank you very much.
04:12Well, where is he, this male sort of a friend?
04:15He's trying to park. He said it didn't matter if he was late, but I mustn't be, so he dropped
04:18me off. I'm glad because it's given me a chance to warn you.
04:22What do you mean, warn us? What's wrong with him?
04:24Has he got one leg or something?
04:26There is nothing wrong with him. I'm delighted to say that he's complete in every respect.
04:31Well, why warn us, then?
04:33Well, so you won't go up in astonishment when you see him.
04:35Why on earth should we go up in astonishment?
04:37At the idea of your mother having a boyfriend.
04:41I think we're a bit more sophisticated than that, Mum.
04:43Yes, well, we mothers never really believe our children have grown up, do we?
04:47Who is he, Mrs Simcock, your boyfriend?
04:50Well, do you remember that act he had at the charity horse racing evening?
04:53Harvey Wedgwood?
04:54You're gawping again.
04:55Shut up, Carol.
04:56Yes, well, he invited me to go and see his play in London and to go backstage.
05:01Well, it took a bit of courage, but I went, and it turned out to be the best move I've ever made in my life.
05:05More.
05:06Oh, dear, you do sound displeased with me.
05:09No, no, it's your life. It's a free country.
05:14You're old enough to know your own mind, but he's...
05:18He's a bit older.
05:19He's a lot older.
05:21I mean, we're delighted to see you getting your share of female emancipation,
05:27but, well, all this is right. We'd both be a bit happier for your sake if it was somebody younger, that's all.
05:33Because we love you.
05:34We don't want him marrying somebody and then him dying and breaking your heart.
05:38Because we love you.
05:41Ah.
05:45This is Gerry Lansdowne.
05:47Gerry, this is Paul, my youngest, Elvis, my oldest, and Elvis's fiancée, Carol.
05:51Hello.
05:52I know this sounds corny, but I've heard so much about you boys. It's really nice to meet you at last.
05:57You all seem stunned.
06:00Well, I've just been telling them how I met you, Gerry.
06:03They leapt to conclusions, just had a tremendous ticking off because they thought I was throwing myself away on a geriatric.
06:09Ah. No, I'm not quite a geriatric yet.
06:15I'm a friend of Harvey's son. I met your mother in Harvey's dressing room.
06:21Hello, all.
06:22You look marvellous, Neville.
06:24Thank you. Thank you, Rita.
06:27So do you. You look marvellous.
06:30No, you really do. I mean...
06:32This is my friend, Gerry Lansdowne.
06:35Good to see you, Gerry.
06:38May I introduce my nephew, Andrew?
06:40His wife can't be here as she's unwell.
06:42Rita's boys, Elvis and Paul, and Elvis is...
06:45Carol Fordingbridge.
06:46And Elvis is Carol Fordingbridge.
06:48Hello, Andrew.
06:49Well, here we are. All on parade. Well done.
06:52Any sign of Simon?
06:54Not yet.
06:55More important, no sign of the blushing bride.
06:58She's probably buying bed socks.
07:02Because she's got cold feet.
07:04Joke.
07:08I think they must be running late.
07:10The last lot aren't out yet.
07:12It's rather like waiting for your turn on a pleasure boat, isn't it?
07:15Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
07:17Oh, dear, oh, dear, Rita. Why the oh, dear?
07:19Oh, no, no. I just said oh, dear because you said oh, dear.
07:23Did I? Oh, dear.
07:24The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.
07:27Pardon?
07:29Joke.
07:30Ah.
07:32I hope I don't quite feel condemned.
07:34But I do feel most dreadfully nervous.
07:36I think these registry places make it rather...
07:39And yet our first marriage was so large, so grand.
07:43Jane always says it made her feel that she and I were irrelevant.
07:47Oh, Lord, I really ought to stop talking about her as if she were still alive,
07:51wouldn't I?
07:57Oh, look.
07:59Oh, they're so young.
08:01And there's so few people. It's awful.
08:05I mean, what does life hold for them?
08:07We'll never know.
08:09Well, I'd like to know.
08:13Oh, I hope you'll both be terribly happy.
08:17Rita is a most remarkable person.
08:19She is indeed. She is indeed, Tom.
08:22Jerry.
08:24It was wonderful. Very few people should have done that.
08:27Oh, don't be absurd, Joe.
08:29My children are very embarrassed at the idea of you being physical with me.
08:32Mum, we aren't. We're the emancipated generation.
08:35I am not so emancipated that you're happy for me to be the emancipated generation as well.
08:43Do you have to keep making your jokes?
08:45It's a happy occasion.
08:47I thought a touch of humour would be appropriate.
08:49My point precisely.
08:51I wasn't embarrassed, Carol.
08:53Oh, no. You both were.
08:55I wasn't.
08:56Not embarrassed. It just came to me how wrong it all seems.
08:59Everybody happy under the circumstances.
09:01Well, life has to go on.
09:05What insight your three-year study of philosophy has given you, Elvis?
09:09I know life has to go on your dumbo, but it doesn't go on for him, does it?
09:13What is it, three months?
09:15I mean, if it was natural causes, it'd be bad enough, but...
09:18suicide?
09:24You didn't tell me you were inviting Paul.
09:26Didn't I, dear? Well, of course I've invited him. He's family, isn't he, still?
09:29You look stunning, my love.
09:31Oh, you don't look so bad yourself.
09:36Hello, Jenny. Hello.
09:41Rita, you came. You look wonderful.
09:45No, you really do. What's happened?
09:47I... Jenny, Liz, I'd like you to meet my friend, Jerry Lansdowne.
09:51Hello. Hello.
09:52Wow.
09:54Hello, Jerry.
09:56Hello.
09:57Hello.
09:58I know this sounds corny, but I've heard so much about you both.
10:01It's really nice to meet you at last.
10:05Oh, well, we'd all better go in.
10:08Right.
10:12Oh, thank you.
10:15Still no sign of Simon?
10:16I'm afraid not.
10:17Oh, dear.
10:19Well, come along. Best foot forward.
10:21Right.
10:24Oh, dear.
10:25Oh, dear, oh, dear.
10:26Oh, dear, oh, dear. Why all the oh, dears? You having second thoughts?
10:28Oh, no, no, good heavens, no, no.
10:30I was saying oh, dear because you sighed and said oh, dear.
10:33Did I? Oh, dear.
10:35Are you having second thoughts?
10:36No, no, good heavens, no, no.
10:38I suppose I meant oh, dear, Simon hasn't come.
10:40And oh, dear, the rest of my stuffy family are also boycotting the event.
10:44And oh, dear, Jenny's still totally hostile to Paul,
10:47and whatever we think of him, he is the father of her baby.
10:49And oh, dear, I'm going to have to endure Andrew's jokes.
10:53And oh, dear, what on earth does Rita think she's playing at?
10:57And oh, dear, it is hardly Westminster Abbey, is it?
11:00Oh, dear, oh, dear. What a lot of oh, dears.
11:09Good morning. Do you have a table for two?
11:12Um, yes, sir. I think we can squeeze you in.
11:18Oh.
11:21Can I get you something pour boire, to drink?
11:26Two vodka tonics, please. Make them large ones.
11:28Wife and I don't often see each other midday.
11:31Ah, very good thing.
11:33My husband supplies your chickens.
11:36Ah.
11:38Edouard.
11:39Um, Edouard will bring you his menus.
11:42Thank you.
11:44Good afternoon, sir.
11:45Good God.
11:47Ted, what are you doing here?
11:50Working here. It's a very nice place.
11:53Monsieur Albert is an excellent employer, and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.
11:57Good. Now, what can you recommend, Edouard?
12:02Everything is excellent.
12:04Our chef, Alphonse, started in the household of General de Gaulle,
12:08and later worked at Maxime's in Paris.
12:11All right, you couldn't wait to get your little hands on my foundry when it failed.
12:14Fair enough, that's like, but...
12:16But what?
12:17But, don't you think you've done enough damage without rubbing it in?
12:21I mean, calling me Edouard. I mean, really.
12:25I was a bit naughty, Rodney.
12:27Well, I'm very sorry, Ted. I couldn't resist it. I'm sorry.
12:30Oh.
12:31Well, we say no more about it.
12:33If I catch you calling me Edouard just once more, I'll kick your ruddy teeth right down your...
12:37Tête de veau, vinaigrette à la mode de Lyon, is the speciality of the maison.
12:43And the agneau roti au flageolet avec les herbes de Provence has its devour...
12:48I'm warning you. I mean you just catch one glimpse of amusement in your eye, and that's it.
12:53All right?
12:54Anyway, I wouldn't waste too much time studying the menu. There's no point.
12:59It's all lousy.
13:07I bet the food is lousy.
13:10Well, it's quiet, anyway. And we're together.
13:13I'm a lucky woman. Cheers, love.
13:15Cheers, love.
13:18Poulet de Bresse, sauce Perigordienne, maize-fed French chickens.
13:24Those are my chickens. They're as French and as maize-fed as my backside.
13:32Sandra! Come in. A couple of casual customers have arrived.
13:36I'm amazed they're doing other dinners, but there's a wedding dinner on.
13:44Sandra. Sandra, it's other lunches and it's a wedding breakfast.
13:49Do try and get it right, love.
13:51I mean, I told them you were an experienced waitress who'd worked in sophisticated places.
13:55Not an unemployed bakery assistant. I met down the DHSS, I mean, didn't I?
13:59So do try and get it together.
14:01Right, you have lunch at dinner time, dinner at tea time,
14:04and whatever time of the day it is, it's a wedding breakfast.
14:07Why do things have to be so complicated?
14:09So that the ignorant can be identified and class differences can signify.
14:14Isn't that bad?
14:15Of course it is. This is England. It's part of our heritage, isn't it?
14:18Do we know who this wedding party are?
14:20No. No. Monsieur Albert. He's being very cagey about it.
14:25Typical. Well, you don't have to get in my way.
14:29Sandra, it's a very posh restaurant, is it, Chez Albert?
14:33And you do not say about the owner and patron as someone who gets on your wit.
14:38All right. I can't stand him then.
14:41That's better.
14:42Ted, are you glad you met me?
14:46Of course I am, love.
14:48Now, come on, come and get serving.
14:50There wouldn't be a wedding breakfast having dinner here this lunchtime if it wasn't known for our service.
14:55Hey!
15:01Look, Rodney, there's Elvis and Carol.
15:05They said they were going to Neverland as his wedding.
15:10Rodney, the wedding's here.
15:14Bango's our quiet lunch.
15:17Oh, my God.
15:20Oh, my God.
15:22Poor Ted.
15:30Bloody hell, Sandra. What do you think you're doing with me plates?
15:33Sorry, Monsieur Albert.
15:34Oh, don't need to feel guilty about it.
15:36Oh, thanks, Monsieur Albert.
15:37Because I'm stopping it from your wages.
15:41But who exactly is in this wedding party?
15:44You're demanding secrecy, Ted.
15:46My two sons are in there. I need to know.
15:48Your sons?
15:49Well, there's no harm in you knowing now, I suppose.
15:51It's a Mr. Badger marrying a Mrs. Rudenhurst.
15:54Bloody hell.
15:56No wonder you didn't tell me.
15:58I didn't tell you because they asked for maximum security.
16:01Because there has been some adverse criticism of them.
16:04But not waiting longer after Mrs. Badger's false husband gassed himself in his own dental chair.
16:10Good God, what the hell has she got into?
16:20I can't go in there.
16:22What do you mean you can't go in there?
16:25I can't. Listen.
16:27Albert, I'm going to have to be reasonable.
16:29Now, listen to me.
16:31I'm going to have to be reasonable.
16:33I'm going to have to be reasonable.
16:35I'm going to have to be reasonable.
16:37I'm going to have to be reasonable.
16:38Now, listen to me.
16:40Just listen. Look.
16:42I've had an affair with the bride.
16:44I've been left by the bride.
16:46The bride and groom are bringing up my baby as their own.
16:49Your baby?
16:50Yes.
16:52My wife is in there with some freak I can only assume is her lover.
16:56Wife? Sons? Baby?
16:59Oh, shit.
17:04My two sons are in there.
17:06Plus one son's fiancée and the other son's estranged wife.
17:10They don't know that I work here.
17:13Now, be reasonable.
17:15I can't go in there and ask them to taste the wine,
17:17which I know they know sod all about,
17:19and they know I know sod all about.
17:21Now, can I? Come on. It's just not on, is it?
17:23You didn't tell me you had a wife and sons and a baby.
17:27No, I know, Sandra. I'm sorry. I slipped my mind.
17:29Slipped your mind?
17:31Yeah, because it's over. It's finished. It's unimportant.
17:33Well, you won't mind going back in there, then, will you?
17:35If it's over, finished, unimportant.
17:41Oh, my head.
17:43Well, we have actually done it.
17:46Congratulations.
17:48Thank you. I think we ought to congratulate you, too.
17:51You seem to have made quite a catch.
17:53I'll second that.
17:59Either that's a bottle of champagne being opened or the chef shot himself.
18:03Don't mention suicide.
18:05Oh, Lord.
18:07Isn't that the Silly Toes over there?
18:10Good Lord.
18:12Oh, Lord. I think they've seen us.
18:15Oh, we'll have to congratulate them.
18:17We can't. It'll look as if we're angling to be invited.
18:19We can't not.
18:21That'll look as if we're upset because we weren't invited.
18:23Oh, Lord.
18:25Hello. Hello.
18:29Congratulations. Congratulations.
18:31Thank you. Thank you.
18:33They must be having lunch here.
18:35Surely not.
18:37What, are you waiting for a plane to Istanbul?
18:39Joke.
18:41We did decide, as we're a small party,
18:43it might be a bit more relaxing if there were other customers.
18:46Yes, but I never thought there'd be only two other customers.
18:48We'd know them both,
18:50and they'd be lifelong specialists in getting drunk in public.
18:56What's going on in there?
18:58Where is everybody?
19:00I heard this place was very good.
19:02Apparently, M. Albert was the manager of Maxine's in Paris,
19:06and his chef is said to be the illegitimate son of Charles de Gaulle.
19:10Don't mention illegitimate children.
19:12Rita's illegitimate.
19:14We found that out at Jenny's wedding.
19:16Uncle Neville, did you remember to organise my vegetarian meal?
19:19Oh, Lord, I forgot.
19:21Uncle Neville isn't Uncle Neville anymore, Jenny.
19:23He's your father now.
19:25Yes, well...
19:27Oh, Lord.
19:30Oh, please don't leave Carol.
19:31I'm sure she's whispering lovely things in your ear.
19:33Carol is engaged to Elvis.
19:37Do you expect me to feel sorry for you?
19:40I'm lost without you, Jenny.
19:42I haven't even got the heart to read the Guardian's foreign news.
19:45I'm just...
19:47I'm just turning back into the slob I was before I met you.
19:50I repeat, do you expect me to feel sorry for you?
19:53Monsieur, madame,
19:55greetings and congratulations.
19:59I'm so sorry you're wed.
20:02A little stuff problem, you understand.
20:04All is not solved.
20:06Here is Edouard with your champagne.
20:14Oh, good Lord.
20:16Ted.
20:18Ted?
20:21Would you like to taste the wine, sir?
20:24Yes, well, I'm sure it's...
20:26right.
20:29Very good.
20:32Madame.
20:34Thank you, Ted.
20:36May I take this opportunity of wishing madame
20:39the lasting happiness that has so far eluded her?
20:43Thank you, Ted.
20:45Maybe you'd like to wish me better luck next time.
20:49Maybe you'd like to wish me better luck with my men.
20:55Well, well.
20:57This is a surprise.
20:59It certainly is, madame.
21:01This is Jerry Lansdowne.
21:03Jerry, this is my husband.
21:05Ah.
21:06Champagne.
21:08Sir.
21:09Thank you.
21:11What do you mean?
21:13Ah.
21:14Nothing at all, just...
21:16Ah.
21:20Jenny?
21:22Oh, thanks, Ted.
21:24Though I don't feel much like it.
21:26Still worrying about why half the world is starving?
21:29No.
21:30Well, I mean, I am, obviously.
21:33No.
21:35I was just thinking how sad I'm about the way everything's turned out.
21:40SIGHS
21:44Is this a permanent post, then, Dad?
21:46No, Elvis, it is not.
21:48No, I mean, really, I mean, no, no.
21:50It's, um, just to fill in while I develop me portfolio.
21:54Your portfolio?
21:55Mm.
21:56Designs for me toasting pots, et cetera.
21:58Personalised door knockers.
22:00Designer cold scuttles.
22:02My portfolio.
22:04We can't not offer Rodney and Betty a drink.
22:07Waiter, Ted, could we have two more glasses for the silly toast, please?
22:11Yes, certainly, sir.
22:13If we offer them a drink, we'll have to ask them to eat with us.
22:16I mean, we can't just send them off back to their table.
22:19Oh, Lord.
22:21I think they're discussing whether to ask us to join them.
22:24They don't look round.
22:26Well, don't you stare at them.
22:28I can't never look in their direction.
22:30They look totally unnatural.
22:32Nothing for it.
22:37Liz and I would be very honoured if you'd join us for lunch.
22:41Oh, er...
22:42Well, er, this is a surprise.
22:45Yes, well, er, thank you.
22:54Ah, madam.
22:55Sir.
22:56As this is a very special occasion,
22:58would you both break the habits of a lifetime and indulge yourselves in a drink?
23:04Thank you, Edward.
23:08Oh, while I remember.
23:10Waiter, Edward...
23:12Ted, I'm afraid I forgot to ask,
23:14but could we have one vegetarian meal?
23:16Er, two.
23:17Three.
23:18Ah, you're a vegetarian, are you, sir?
23:23No, I am.
23:25Good God, Rita, you don't mean...
23:29Sorry.
23:30Sorry, three vegetarian meals.
23:32I'll see what Alphonse can rustle up.
23:36I'm awfully sorry, Rita, we had no idea.
23:39Absolutely not.
23:40I believe you.
23:41I imagine his appearance must have been quite an embarrassing memory for you on your wedding day, Liz.
23:49What a very nice wallpaper this place has.
23:52Doesn't it? I noticed that.
23:57Oh, flippy-nakey.
23:59You said I was all that mattered.
24:01You are.
24:02Rubbish.
24:03I saw the way you looked at her bittersweet thoughts.
24:06You're jealous.
24:07I'm not, Sandra, love, I'm not.
24:09It's just that...
24:11Well, Rita was a good wife, she was a good mother, she ran a good home.
24:15I don't like to see her letting herself be used by that young whippersnapper.
24:20I mean, put yourself in my position, would you?
24:22No, you wouldn't.
24:23Right, so...
24:24How do you know he's using her?
24:26Oh, come on, Sandra.
24:28She's more than ten years older than him.
24:30You're more than twenty years older than me, but I'm not using you.
24:33No, that's different, that's different.
24:35Are you using me?
24:37Of course not, love.
24:43Sandra!
24:45You'll be paying me by the end of the week.
24:48Oh, but it wasn't her fault, not this time, no it wasn't.
24:50It were mine, I distracted her.
24:53You can't take it out of her wages.
24:55It wasn't her fault, now can you be fair?
24:57I could if I wanted to, you're all non-union.
24:59But I won't, of course.
25:01Thanks.
25:02I'll take it out of yours instead.
25:07I want to apologise, Liz, I didn't come here to make bitchy remarks.
25:09Why did you come?
25:10To show off your conquest? To let us see how far you've travelled?
25:13Oh, Lord, perhaps I did.
25:16I hoped I'd come as a gesture of, I don't know, goodwill, reconciliation.
25:21Well, that's certainly why we invited you.
25:23I mean, let's face it, our families are still linked by marriage.
25:25What do you mean, let's face it?
25:27Don't you want Paul and Jenny to get back together again?
25:30Of course I do, they've got a baby.
25:32Oh, so you won't want them to if they haven't got a baby?
25:35Oh, conversation's impossible if you examine every word under a microscope, Rita.
25:38I hope Paul and Jenny get together again.
25:41I hoped you and I could strike up some sort of friendship against all the odds.
25:45What do you mean, against all the odds?
25:47Oh, Rita, no microscopes!
25:49What I meant was, who would have thought you and I could ever be friends?
25:52Oh, nobody in the old days.
25:54Then things have changed.
25:56Perhaps you feel you're going to need all the friendship you can get.
25:59What, even friends would say that sort of thing?
26:01Oh, I'm sorry, I know.
26:03I didn't come here to make bitchy remarks.
26:07You don't really want to live on your own, do you?
26:09I mean, it must be hard work bringing up a baby on your own.
26:12Two babies.
26:13Well, exactly, all the more re...
26:19Two babies.
26:20I'm pregnant.
26:22Jenny.
26:24It's ironical, isn't it?
26:26I must have conceived the night before the crowning of the Miss Frozen Chicken UK.
26:29The night before I discovered that when I was in the maternity hospital,
26:32you were having it off with the runner-up.
26:33Jenny, it doesn't help things to exaggerate.
26:35You weren't having it off?
26:36She wasn't the runner-up, she came third.
26:42Simon, you came.
26:46Hello, Jenny.
26:47Hello, Jenny.
26:52Simon.
26:55I decided to come.
26:57I've, um...
26:59I've compromised.
27:02I wanted to show I disapproved.
27:05But I also wanted to show I still love you.
27:11So, I decided to come to one and not the other.
27:15And you don't get a champagne lunch at the registry office.
27:19Oh, Simon.
27:29You'd like a drink, wouldn't you?
27:31It's funny how it took Ted and Rita to make us realise
27:34we take it in turns to get drunk when we go to dudes.
27:37Absolutely. Absolutely, absolutely.
27:40You realise why we take it in turns, don't you?
27:43So that there's somebody sober to drive home.
27:45I think there's more to it than that.
27:47I think one of us stays sober instinctively
27:51to protect the ones they love from making fools of themselves.
27:54Or herself, which they may very well do if drunk and have.
27:59Because we love each other so much.
28:02We do, don't we?
28:04Over 30 years together and we still love each other.
28:08But their driving is important too.
28:11I mean, take the day I can, sure.
28:14Not get drunk, because I'm not.
28:16But have a bit too much knowing you're driving.
28:22I thought you were driving.
28:26What?
28:27Oh, dear. I think the system's broken down.
28:31Well, because I thought you were driving,
28:34I've had, well, not too much, too much, but a bit too much.
28:38A bit too much?
28:39I mean, I wouldn't describe myself as drunk exactly, more...
28:44Totally plastered.
28:46Yes!
28:47Yes!
29:05You remember you were talking about all the opportunities I must get
29:09showing beautiful women round houses,
29:12of making mad, passionate love to them.
29:15And I said that sort of thing isn't done at Trellis, Trellis Oaks.
29:18Yes?
29:19Well, it's not so much not done as used to be not done.
29:25Congratulations, Simon.
29:27Tell me more. I can tell you're dying to.
29:29Not at all.
29:30I always think that men who boast of their sexual exploits are rather pathetic.
29:34That's true.
29:35She's a married woman. Very attractive.
29:38She said her husband was a bit of a drip and her life was dreadfully dull.
29:43Even I could see she was making advances to me.
29:46So you ripped up your specifications,
29:48said, darling, forget the handsome proportions,
29:50the charming southerly aspect and the six power points,
29:52and flung her on the spacious, convenient bed there and then, eh?
29:55Good Lord, no.
29:56That would have been professionally unethical.
29:58Or someone else's house.
30:00No, I took her to my flat.
30:02Who is this mystery woman?
30:04Elvis.
30:05She's a married woman.
30:07Credit me with a little discretion, Simon.
30:10Sorry.
30:12Elvis.
30:13Oh, God.
30:14I think you're about to say something nice.
30:17Elvis, I'm glad I got to know you.
30:20Well, thanks, Simon. I've met worse twits myself.
30:22Not many, but...
30:24You've changed me, you see.
30:26I mean, if it wasn't for you,
30:28I'd never have had the courage to get anywhere with Judy.
30:31Judy!
30:32Good Lord, I'm no good at this.
30:34Marry me, Rita.
30:37Are you just saying that because you've had a few drinks
30:40and you're infected with a romantic mood?
30:42The drink might have helped me pluck up my courage,
30:44but I decided to ask it days ago.
30:47Get married?
30:48Get divorced.
30:50I'm more than ten years older than you.
30:53It's hardly what I'd expected, but you can't plan love.
30:56I've got two grown-up sons.
31:00Rita, don't you want to marry me?
31:03No, Joe. Quite honestly, I really don't think I do.
31:08You are jealous.
31:10Sandra, love, put the plates down before you talk, will you?
31:13You keep looking at them.
31:15I do not keep looking at them.
31:17I am not jealous, Sandra, love. I'm not. It's over.
31:19I wouldn't have her back if she came in here now on bended knee.
31:22Some chance of that. She's got a new fella.
31:24Sandra, you're so naive sometimes.
31:26I mean, you really are.
31:28Rita is using him to make me jealous because she wants me back.
31:31I mean, she is.
31:33I thought you said he was using her.
31:37They're using each other.
31:39That's all right, then, isn't it?
31:41Yeah, that's what I keep telling you.
31:43What, you keep going on about it, then?
31:45I'm not. You're the one that keeps on going on.
31:47Oh, for God's sake, Sandra.
31:53I'm not saying I don't love you, Jerry.
31:55I'm just saying I don't want to marry you.
31:57What do you want to do?
31:59Live together.
32:00You really are determined to throw off your conventional past, aren't you?
32:03I don't think there is anything terribly unconventional
32:05about two consenting adults living together these days.
32:08I just don't know if I can throw off my past enough
32:11to do something as...uncautious as marry you.
32:15That's a little awkward, Rita, in my position.
32:17Do you mean I might lose you votes?
32:20Well, I wouldn't believe it's cruelly as that.
32:23Yes, it is true that a politician
32:25can't really afford to have a private life.
32:27Oh, Jerry, respect his social liberal Democrat candidate behind him,
32:30not shed a foreign secretary.
32:32Rita, I'm only saying I'd prefer to marry you, aren't I?
32:35Of course I'll live with you if you don't want to marry me.
32:38Oh...
32:40Oh, Jerry, I...
32:42I'm so happy.
32:49Rita.
32:51Rita, you're crying. You're crying.
32:53What's he done? What's he done to you?
32:55We're going to live together.
32:57Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you?
32:59He's an unprincipled swine.
33:01Oh, give up, Ted.
33:03Our marriage is over.
33:05Oh, I know. I know that. It's just I'm thinking of you.
33:08Don't like to see you being made unhappy, that's all.
33:10I'm not.
33:12Oh, God, then why am I crying?
33:15Rita, you can't see it because you're besotted.
33:18He'll use you, and when he's finished with you,
33:21he'll have a liqueur, madam.
33:23Thanks. Cheers.
33:25Cheers.
33:27You don't drink liqueurs.
33:29He and that's ordered.
33:31Well, I do now, and he can pour me another one.
33:33No, Rita, listen.
33:35Rita, listen, listen.
33:37Look.
33:41Rita, he'll... he'll use you,
33:43and when he's finished with you,
33:45he'll cast you aside like some clapped-out car sponge
33:48that's losing its fluff.
33:50That's a flattering image.
33:52No, I didn't mean that. I could ever think of you as a...
33:54Clapped-out old car sponge that's losing its fluff.
33:57Well, precisely. I mean, who could?
33:59Only him.
34:01Exactly. Now you're beginning to see.
34:03It was my idea that we should live together.
34:06Rita, are you seriously telling me
34:09that you suggested living in sin?
34:12No.
34:14Hindhead.
34:16He believes you should build a political power base
34:19Political power base?
34:21Yes, Jerry's prospective social-liberal Democrat candidate for Hindhead.
34:24Oh, good God.
34:26No wonder you're all cranky.
34:29Cranky?
34:31Yes. Vegetarian. Feminist.
34:34Always caring about animals and people and...
34:36Cranky!
34:38He wants to marry me.
34:43Good. Well, good.
34:45Not good.
34:47Well, he's serious.
34:49Oh, I am. I am good.
34:51But...
34:53What do you mean, but?
34:55Well, what do you know about him?
34:57Eh? I mean, where did you meet him?
34:59I mean, Harvey Wedgwood's dressing room.
35:01And then we ran into each other again at a CND rally.
35:04CND? I knew it!
35:06He's a bloody freak!
35:08What were you doing there, Rita?
35:10Oh, I don't want to go into the nuclear debate with you now, Ted,
35:13but you shouldn't believe all you read in the Tory newspapers.
35:16I mean, the people at those rallies, they're respectable, sensible people.
35:20Of all ages, from many walks of life.
35:22Ordinary people, like me.
35:24Ordinary?
35:26I'm beginning to wonder if you are ordinary anymore.
35:28Thank you very much.
35:29It wasn't a compliment.
35:32Oh, oh. Now, I can excuse you, because it's...
35:35Well, it's your bodily chemistry.
35:37But what's his excuse?
35:39What? My bodily chemistry?
35:41Come on, Rita. I mean, be honest.
35:43You know it is, isn't it?
35:45No, it's the change, eh?
35:47How dare you, you prejudiced...
35:49Rita, Rita, be careful. People are watching. What will they think?
35:52Casual, casual.
35:54How dare you, you prejudiced, blinkered, bigoted, chauvinistic, rude, small-minded sod.
36:00Rita, how can you...
36:01That's Ted. People. Casual.
36:06All right, all right.
36:09Well, he's not a freak, fair enough.
36:11But...
36:13Once again, I'm forced to ask, but what?
36:16Well, he's...
36:21He's a liberal.
36:23He's a namby-pamby, middle-of-the-road, always sitting on fences.
36:27Oh, a minute ago, he was pumping me full of cranky, radical extremism.
36:30Now he's sitting on fences.
36:32You can't have it all, Rhodes Ted.
36:34If you mean he's sitting on fences at American airbases.
36:38Oh, I... I mean...
36:40Now, what do you really know about him, then, Ed?
36:44Oh, he played rugby for Roslyn Park.
36:46His mother's a JP.
36:48And he owns a successful microchip factory in Godalming.
36:55Good.
36:57Go on, son.
36:59No, I mean, son, that's all right.
37:01Good, I'm glad.
37:03I am. I am.
37:06Is there anybody in your life, Ted?
37:08Hmm? Yes. Oh, yes.
37:10Well, very much so, in fact.
37:12Yes, you can say that sexual and emotional fulfilment
37:16have crossed the Simcock threshold.
37:18I am glad, Ted.
37:20Do you want to tell me about her?
37:24No, not a lot.
37:26No, what I mean is, she's, um...
37:28You know, she's a bit of a public figure in the town.
37:31You know, discretionary.
37:33Yeah, I understand.
37:35Well, I'm ever so happy you've got somebody, Ted.
37:38You'll be as anxious to get the divorce over as quickly as I am, then.
37:45It's the skeleton at the feast.
37:48It's the spectre in the cupboard.
37:51Pardon? What's this?
37:53My chickens.
37:55I mean, can you reconcile your kindly husband
37:58with the cruel beast who killed my chickens?
38:02The beast who keeps living creatures cooped up in misery.
38:06I must admit, sometimes at night I dream I'm like that.
38:10All cooped up.
38:14What say we go off and do it?
38:19Set my chickens free.
38:22Are you serious?
38:24I have never been less serious in my life.
38:28Well, it would be rather nice.
38:32Oh, it's...
38:34Betty and I have work to do.
38:37Back at work, where I work.
38:39Chicken place, so...
38:41Thank you very much for inviting us.
38:44Well, not inviting us exactly,
38:47but seeing us sitting over there and thinking,
38:50oh, Lord, I'll have to invite them.
38:52But then you did, didn't you?
38:54That's the point, and thank you very much.
38:56You can't drive like this.
38:59I won't. I'll take a taxi here.
39:01My car key. Key, cars.
39:03There. Proof. Taxi.
39:05Work to do. Come on, Betty.
39:08Thank you very much.
39:10Betty didn't mean to...
39:12I would like to say that I do not agree with that.
39:15I beg your pardon.
39:16I think you genuinely love it, my doom.
39:19Love me?
39:20No, please, I do.
39:21I don't think the whole kaboosh was calculated
39:25down to the last fingermajig.
39:27Let us see if we can find you a taxi.
39:29I am sorry.
39:30Well, you shouldn't have said it, but then you're drunk.
39:33Yes, I know, so am I.
39:35Let's just forget all about it, shall we?
39:41Excuse me.
39:42Why, what have you done?
39:44A joke.
39:46Are you the Mr Rodenhurst of whom my wife speaks so warmly?
39:49I beg your pardon?
39:51You showed my wife, Judy, round the house a few weeks ago.
39:54She said you were most obliging.
39:57Well, I tried.
39:58And succeeded, by the sound of it.
40:00Though I'm afraid the time you spent with her was utterly wasted.
40:04Not at all, I do assure you.
40:07I mean, it happens in business.
40:12You've found somewhere else, have you?
40:14No, we've decided to stay in Otley.
40:15We like the school, you see.
40:17But that's why she can't be here today.
40:18She's having a bit of a bad day.
40:21After many years of trying, we're expecting a happy event.
40:25Well, congratulations again.
40:28It's a great relief to me.
40:30The doctor suspected I might be sterile.
40:36Well, what do doctors know?
40:43Are you feeling all right?
40:45Yeah, fine.
40:47I just feel a bit sick.
40:49You make a fortune if you're pregnant.
40:51Joke.
40:56Are you all right?
40:58I wish I'd never met you.
41:02So, are we going to be able to manage a friendly conversation this time, Liz?
41:06I hope so.
41:07And Rita, I hope you and Jerry will be very happy.
41:10Thank you very much.
41:11You're wondering if I mean that.
41:13These things are hard to tell.
41:15I think I choose to believe you mean it.
41:17Good.
41:18You don't think I'm a total bitch, then?
41:20That's a strong word, Liz.
41:22Total.
41:26Your friend Betty thinks I planned it all.
41:28Taking Ted, getting the baby, leaving Ted, trapping Neville.
41:31She doesn't think I love Neville.
41:33What do you think?
41:34Oh, I think you're right.
41:36I don't think I really know.
41:37I mean, can one know about oneself, do you think?
41:39Let alone other people.
41:41I think maybe I did plan it without really knowing.
41:46I do think I love Neville, though.
41:49People think we should have waited longer, but our hearts couldn't wait,
41:52and nothing could bring Lawrence back,
41:54and I find I don't believe he's there anywhere, watching.
41:59So why pretend?
42:00We feel we're getting too old for pretends.
42:03I feel that too.
42:04Well, the sooner we got married, the better from the baby's point of view.
42:07How is he?
42:08Blooming.
42:09Neville is as proud of him as if he was his own.
42:13He, uh, he doesn't, um...
42:16Oh, come on, Rita, no more pretends.
42:19Say what I know you're thinking.
42:22He doesn't look like Ted, does he?
42:24Oh, dear, I am very much afraid he does.
42:26Tiny, dribbling, bald, pink Ted.
42:29The mind boggles.
42:32Oh, my God, this looks like a deputation.
42:35I'll leave you to it.
42:39We'd like a word, Mum.
42:41Do you think I'm making a fool of myself over Jerry?
42:44Well, we've nothing against him as a person.
42:47Which he is.
42:48He seems quite a nice sort of a bloke, as far as that goes, but...
42:51He's so young, Mum.
42:53We're thinking of you.
42:54Because we love you.
42:55He's so young and I'm so old.
42:58Oh, no, no, of course not, but...
43:00I mean, he is a bit young, isn't he?
43:02Oh, yes, he is. Terribly.
43:04He's so young and Harvey's so old.
43:07I wonder what reason you'd find to disapprove
43:09if I was marrying somebody of exactly my own age.
43:12Marrying?
43:13Yes.
43:14You've talked me into it. I'm going to marry Jerry.
43:16He doesn't know yet.
43:17Ladies and gentlemen.
43:19Ladies and gentlemen.
43:21I'm sure we'd all like to thank Neville and Liz
43:23for inviting us to this very enjoyable wedding
43:25and for giving us such a lovely do, because we all like a bit of a do,
43:28and to wish them every happiness.
43:30Yes.
43:31Well, you certainly sound like a politician, Jerry.
43:35I wonder how I'll enjoy being a politician's wife.
43:39Rita!
43:40Yes.
43:41Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as soon as my divorce comes through,
43:44I'm going to marry Jerry.
43:46Rita!
44:02I'm pleased for you, Mother Paul.
44:04Am I?
44:07Carol's marrying Elvis.
44:09It's all a bit overwhelming.
44:11Yes. Yes, it is. I'm glad.
44:13Are you?
44:15Well, of course I am. Why shouldn't I be?
44:17Carol never really meant anything to me.
44:20Not in that way.
44:25Quite a day all round.
44:27Yes.
44:29A brief escape from the world's problems.
44:33Well, I mean, in the context of religious wars,
44:37terrorism, imprisonment without trial,
44:40unjust social and financial policies,
44:43famine, racial prejudice, the destruction of the environment,
44:47the threat of the nuclear holocaust,
44:49one silly one-night fling.
44:51It doesn't seem so important, does it?
44:53Perhaps with a world like it is,
44:55it's all the more important not to do these things.
44:58I'd never do anything like it ever again, ever.
45:01I know, but don't you see,
45:03I'd never be sure ever again, ever, would I?
45:06I'd make you sure.
45:08I'd never leave your side ever again, ever.
45:13I'd be a perfect husband.
45:22We may as well give it a try, then.
45:31Bye, everybody!
45:45Well, there's no point in being left out, I suppose.
45:57I must be off as well.
46:01I didn't take your car today because I was going to drive a bit, so...
46:05Your restaurant is beautiful, but it's not the station.
46:11Joke!
46:16Hey, bye.
46:17Don't show my wife around any more houses.
46:19I won't.
46:24I believe we'll be happy.
46:26Good. I hope we will.
46:29I think so, too.
46:31Oh, Neville!
46:33Oh, I know she's dead, but you see,
46:35I do still feel that she's with me.
46:38I can't help that.
46:40Well, I don't suppose you'd have married me if she didn't approve.
46:45The A6879, the Belmont Cross to Withamstow Link Road,
46:49and it's blocked by a large number of terrified chickens,
46:52which have apparently escaped from a battery chicken farm.
46:55So drive those lorries carefully,
46:57or you may end up with an instant cocko banger.
47:01There he is in my music.
47:04It's Rodney.
47:06He's finally done it.
47:12Cheer up, Ted.
47:14It's a happy day.
47:17Yeah, I know.
47:19I was just thinking about Lizzie's first husband, Lawrence.
47:23Nobody ever thought that he felt anything.
47:26Well, there you are. This is it.
47:29Life.
47:30Life?
47:32You never know what people are thinking behind those heads.
47:35But, I mean, it's happy for the happy couple, obviously.
47:38It's happy for your Elvis and Carol.
47:40It's happy for Paul and Jenny.
47:42It's even happy for the chickens.
47:44Is it?
47:45Freedom's important.
47:47I think so, anyway.
47:49I don't think it is for chickens.
47:52It's happy for Rita and Jerry, too.
47:55It is, Ted. Face it, it is.
47:57I just don't see it, Sandra. I'm sorry. I just don't.
48:00You don't see it because you never appreciated what you had until you didn't have it.
48:04Yeah, well, maybe you're right.
48:06Anyway, the whole thing's ridiculous.
48:09Love is ridiculous.
48:11Yeah.
48:12A year ago, you might have said it were ridiculous
48:15if somebody had said you'd end up head waiter
48:17and spend the rest of your life with a sacked bakery assistant you met at the DHSS.
48:21But it ain't ridiculous, is it?
48:25No, of course it isn't, love.
48:27Well, cheer up, then.
48:30Don't you love me?
48:35Of course I do, Sandra.
48:38Madly.
48:39Deliriously.
48:42Totally.
48:52But...
48:55But...
48:56But...
48:57But...
48:58But...
48:59But...
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