A Bit Of A Do S01E02 The Dentist's Dinner Dance
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00:00I'd love to, Annie, but I can't. No, we've got a bit of a do on.
00:18Dentist dinner dance. Well, Paul's wife's father's invited us.
00:26We don't want to go. They don't want us to go.
00:29I mean, isn't there enough misery in the world without people feeling they've got to be sociable?
00:34Yeah.
00:35A bit of a do. A bit of a do.
00:46Smiling faces in public places. Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:54Yeah, a bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do.
01:02It's a small-town posh-nosh affair. Best behavior being aware of others who are doing it too.
01:14Those who are seeing through you. A bit of a do.
01:21All tickety-boo.
01:25A bride's dimension attracts attention. A scruffy young groom who defies convention.
01:33A bit of a do. A bit of a do.
01:37A bit of a do.
01:51In Peru, they drink a thing called Pisco Sour.
01:54Lawrence, don't bore Larry to death over Peru. He hasn't paid you for his gold bridge yet.
02:02Your wife is stunning.
02:04Yes, its base is the local brandy.
02:06She must have been a sensation in Peru.
02:09Yes, mixed with lemon juice and beaten white of egg. Surprisingly enough, it tastes quite good.
02:15God, Paul's parents are in evening dress.
02:21Ted, Rita. Lovely to see you.
02:26Larry Benson, Ted and Rita Simcock.
02:29How do you do?
02:30We're linked by wedlock. Jenny married their Paul in July.
02:33I'm sorry, Lawrence. Ted said it was evening dress.
02:35Yes, I'm sorry. I thought it was.
02:37Never mind. You look terribly distinguished.
02:39What will you have?
02:40Whiskey.
02:41A weak gin and tonic, please.
02:45What did his wife see in him?
02:47She could have had anybody.
02:49She's an amazingly lovely woman.
02:51Oh, is she? I can't see anything.
02:55Yes, I suppose she...
02:57Are you a dentist, Barry?
03:00Larry?
03:01No, I'm in kitchens.
03:03Oh, so am I most of the time.
03:05That's probably why I'm not amazingly lovely.
03:09Are you a dentist, Fred?
03:11Ted, Ted, no, no, no, no.
03:13I own a little forge type, foundry type of effort we make.
03:16Fire irons, you know, door knockers, toasting forks.
03:19I expect you've heard of us, the Jupiter Foundry.
03:22No.
03:23Well, excuse I.
03:25Must go and rescue my lady wife.
03:29Rita.
03:30Rita.
03:31I want to go home.
03:32Rita.
03:33Is this some kind of memory training like the Americans?
03:35Do you keep repeating my name for fear one day you'll forget it?
03:37Rita.
03:38Well, you've no interest in me.
03:40That's rubbish. That's absolute, absolute rubbish.
03:44On earth gave you the idea it was evening dress. I feel awful.
03:47Rita, love, will you just brazen it out?
03:49Now, come on, show a bit of style.
03:51I haven't got any style. I don't like style.
03:55I don't trust style. Not having any style is my style.
04:00Here we are.
04:01Right.
04:02Thanks.
04:03Cheers.
04:04Cheers.
04:09How's business, Ted?
04:11Absolutely.
04:12Absolutely.
04:13You?
04:14Oh, no, no, things are on the move again.
04:16Yes, I'm pinning great hopes on our new novelty boot scrapers with the faces of famous prime ministers.
04:22My word, that sounds...
04:25That is...
04:27new.
04:28I've got them in the car if you'd like to see them.
04:30Well, I'd love to, but I don't want to put you to any trouble.
04:33No trouble, no trouble. I'd love to see what you think, actually.
04:35Hold on that, love. Hold on a minute.
04:41How was the south of France?
04:42Oh, very nice, considering.
04:44Well, it had rained the one day, but we came out in this terrible prickly heat.
04:49Oh, dear. Where?
04:50Well, it was in rather an awkward place.
04:55I meant in what town?
04:56Oh, Avignon. Had to give the bridge a miss.
05:02In Peru, the weather is usually very predictable.
05:05It's dry in the dry season and wet in the wet season.
05:08Well, I suppose it would be.
05:09Yes, but funnily enough, when we were there, it wasn't at all.
05:12It had all gone topsy-turvy.
05:14It's all these satellites.
05:19This time last year, she could have danced till dawn.
05:23I'm sorry.
05:24Oh, no.
05:25Embarrassing, isn't it?
05:27The man keeps breaking down in public just because his wife's died.
05:30And him, one of the town's leading solicitors.
05:32It's funny how you can never tell the ones with no moral fibre.
05:35Don't be absurd.
05:39Excuse me.
05:41Other people's tragedies seem so desperately boring, don't they?
05:44What?
05:45Oh, Neville, no, you could never bore me. No.
05:49No, I was just intrigued to know what Ted's showing my husband.
05:53There you are. Clement Attlee.
05:56Amazing.
05:57Yeah, well, you've got to have them these days, haven't you, gimmicks?
05:59I mean, who could resist scraping his boots on the man who nationalised the railways?
06:04Er, what have we got here?
06:06That's Winston Churchill.
06:11Yeah, well, it has to be bipartisan, you know his business.
06:14I suppose so, yes.
06:15Do you have one of the present incumbent?
06:17No, no, I tried, but the mould cracked.
06:19Dad?
06:20Dad, they won't let Paul in without a tie.
06:23Oh, the silly boy.
06:26Do you know how many wars there have been in the world since the Second World War?
06:30Pardon?
06:31I'll tell you.
06:33Lots.
06:34Well, in the context of all that misery, does it matter whether Paul wears a tie?
06:38Of course not.
06:39So why is he making such a fuss?
06:41He isn't.
06:42Society is.
06:44I mean, what difference does a tie make to his worth as a human being?
06:47Well, none at all, but it makes a hell of a difference to whether he gets any dinner or not.
06:51You all enjoy laughing at us, don't you?
06:53Well, maybe we are naive, but it's better than dying of terminal smugness.
06:58I have a dental association tie in the car, Jenny.
07:01If he's no rooted objection to maroon.
07:03Oh, the nastier the better.
07:04He won't care if he's got four cross molars and a ruptured abscess.
07:08Why did you have to show him your boot scrapers?
07:11Because, Rita, there is no room for shrinking violets in business.
07:14This isn't business, Ted. This is social life.
07:17All right, Rita, I know. I'll put them back in the car.
07:19Oh, no, don't leave me on my own again, Ted.
07:21Rita, for God's sake, love, will you circulate? Will you mingle?
07:25Try to cement our social credibility.
07:27Go on.
07:32Liz, will you please stop winging and blowing kisses? She'll see.
07:35I must see you outside.
07:45Liz, we were dead lucky getting away with it at the wedding reception.
07:49I mean, aren't our Tuesdays enough for you, eh?
07:51No, actually, they aren't.
07:54Does he turn you on doing it in the middle of dues, eh?
07:57He's probably got a medical name, you know.
07:59Function mania. Due-itis.
08:02All right, we can do it in here if we're careful.
08:04Liz!
08:05Talk! I'm talking about talking. I have something to tell you.
08:08She's watching, she's watching, watching.
08:10It'd be unnatural if we never talked.
08:12Just make sure you take it calmly, that's all.
08:14Well, relax, Ted.
08:16Pretend to show me those things you were showing Lauren.
08:21Oh, heck.
08:25Take what calmly?
08:27What on earth is that?
08:28Oh, look, don't bother about it. I'm only pretending to show you them.
08:31It's not the sort of thing you can ignore.
08:33Really?
08:34Well, if that's a harbinger of the trades reaction, it bodes well.
08:36Well, you see, they're boot scrapers with the faces of famous prime ministers.
08:40Oh, that one, that one is, um...
08:42It's Neville Chamberlain.
08:45You're impressed, I can see.
08:47Ted, listen, I'm...
08:50I'm doomed, I never did tell you.
08:56Hello, Mr Badger.
08:58Sorry, what?
08:59Hello.
09:00Ah, yes, absolutely. Hello.
09:04Would it help to talk to me about her?
09:06I mean, if you'd like to.
09:08Pardon?
09:09Your wife.
09:10You were thinking about her then, weren't you?
09:13Yes, I was.
09:14I was thinking of this same evening last year.
09:17She said, we've been happy, haven't we?
09:20I mean, it's true.
09:21I mean, we wanted children, we didn't have any, but...
09:23but we were happy.
09:25I was wondering, last year, did she have a premonition?
09:29Oh, I'm sorry, I'm boring you.
09:31Oh, no, please, I don't mind.
09:34Oh, I mean, not that you are, but even if you were, I wouldn't mind.
09:39No, saves me from having to think of anything to say.
09:42Oh, I mean, not that that's the reason I enjoy listening to you talking about Jane.
09:47I'm very interested.
09:49Oh, I'm starving, I could eat a horse.
09:52Except I never could.
09:53Oh, well, it's chicken tonight.
09:55Oh, I hope it's free range. I won't eat it if it isn't.
09:58Good for you.
09:59You think you'll annoy me by not disagreeing with me, don't you?
10:02I just have.
10:04Oh, Ted, I think Rita's rather trapped with poor Neville.
10:08A rescue might be diplomatic.
10:10Every morning, I stretch out my hands to caress her...
10:15her.
10:16Every morning, it's a shock to find she isn't there.
10:19The mornings don't get any better, Rita.
10:21They will, Neville.
10:22Yes, but I don't think I want them to.
10:25That would seem like a betrayal.
10:27I'm sorry, I don't want to burden you with my grief.
10:30Oh, please, don't.
10:32Oh, I don't mean burden me, it doesn't.
10:35No, I'm glad.
10:37No, I don't mean I'm glad about your grief.
10:40No, what I meant was, I'm glad to listen to the grief I wish you hadn't got,
10:44but since you have got it, I'm happy to listen to it.
10:47Well, not happy.
10:51Uh, Rita, look, could I have a word? Sorry, no.
10:54No, please.
10:57What is it?
10:58Nothing, I was just rescuing you.
11:01It's ten years since I've enjoyed a conversation with you
11:04as much as I was enjoying that one with Neville.
11:06Naughty.
11:08So, how are you feeling?
11:10Fine.
11:11Oh, it's going to be a girl, incidentally.
11:13You've had it tested.
11:15I didn't mean to.
11:17I know.
11:19Oh.
11:20You please?
11:21Oh, I don't mind.
11:23I think it's selfish of parents to saddle their children with burdens of expectation.
11:27Is that a dig at me,
11:29or mere disinterested, trendy, progressive Britishness?
11:33It's a dig at you.
11:35Well, you never left me in any doubt that you preferred Simon.
11:38Are you serious?
11:39Yes.
11:40I mean, I'm not resentful.
11:42Not now.
11:44Not really.
11:45Simon!
11:46Hello, Mother. Hello, Jenny.
11:48You look nice.
11:49Do you have to sound so surprised?
11:51Well, you're... you're my sister.
11:53I mean, not that I want gracious compliments anyway, they're so sexist.
11:56Simon, would you say that I favoured you as a child at Jenny's expense?
11:59Good Lord, no.
12:00You've always been absolutely fair.
12:02Absolutely fair.
12:07You see?
12:08What?
12:09Well, if Simon thinks you were fair, you must have been favouring him outrageously.
12:13Which isn't surprising, really.
12:15What do you mean by that?
12:17Well, you've always been a man's woman, haven't you?
12:22You little bitch.
12:24Oh, Mum, I didn't mean...
12:26I only meant...
12:33She does that a lot.
12:35Er, Paul.
12:37Sometimes a woman needs to be alone.
12:39Not Jenny.
12:40Our marriage is a totality of shared experience.
12:44Brooke.
12:45Rodney and Betty Sillito.
12:48Lieutenant Reiter's friends.
12:50We met at the wedding.
12:52Yes, I do remember.
12:54What a pleasant surprise.
12:56Rodney's provided the chickens.
12:58Ah.
12:59Funnily enough, I was listening to local radio this morning.
13:02And I... For the news.
13:04Well, I don't listen to their, er...
13:06Well, I can't call it music.
13:08And I heard your advert for cock-a-doodle-chicken.
13:11Which chickens give the best value?
13:13Cock-a-doodle-doo.
13:16That was it.
13:17I suppose it must be a bit of a problem
13:19finding decent copywriters for local radio.
13:23I wrote that myself.
13:26I must go and check the seating arrangement.
13:32I'm sorry.
13:33No, it was natural.
13:35She overreacted a bit because she's pregnant.
13:37Always replies.
13:39Oh, you're not going to forget to check the chickens at free range, are you?
13:42Bloody hell. Don't want me to die at first.
13:44Well, I didn't necessarily mean straight away.
13:48Oh, Grandad.
13:50How's Grandma? I'm coming to see her tomorrow.
13:53Doctor says she's satisfactory.
13:55Seems a strange sort of description to me.
13:58Dad!
13:59What are you doing here?
14:02Glad you're so pleased to see me.
14:04Mr Breesley invited me.
14:06He drinks in my pub.
14:08He's a dentist, but you wouldn't know to look at him.
14:10He invited you here? Why?
14:12Well, he seemed to think I might be lonely with your mother in general.
14:16And unlike some people, he seems to think I know how to behave in public.
14:20What do you mean, unlike some people?
14:22Nothing.
14:23Well, don't let him down, and don't drink too much.
14:26I'll try not to fart too often and all.
14:34Sorry, they are free range.
14:36Oh, amazing. I mean, I could have just had a bet.
14:39Hello!
14:40Hello, Paul. Hello, Jenny.
14:43Pregnancy suits you.
14:45Well, the moment of truth approaches.
14:48It's the first time he's been to a Jew when they've been using his chickens.
14:51He's like a cat in a hot tin soup.
14:54I didn't know you did free range chickens.
14:56I don't.
15:00Paul, you lied to me!
15:02Jenny!
15:03Haven't even had a drink yet.
15:04Oh, I'm really beginning to learn about your priorities tonight.
15:07First, drink, and second, everything else!
15:10Jenny!
15:13Jenny!
15:15Jenny!
15:16Jenny!
15:20Don't worry about them.
15:22Good row will do them good.
15:25We can have that talk on the dance floor later.
15:27Liz, are you mad?
15:29We can't be seen dancing together.
15:31Well, it'll look very suspicious if we don't dance together.
15:34Liz, what is all this about?
15:36Now, keep calm.
15:38Oh, Mum. Calm? Now, what is it?
15:42I'm pregnant.
15:47You're the father.
15:50You what?
15:51Shh, be calm.
15:52Be careful.
15:55It is rather awful, isn't it?
15:57The baby was actually conceived during our children's wedding reception.
16:03Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:10You see, even my best friends dreaded my chickens.
16:14Peru is a fascinating country.
16:16But it is very poor.
16:18Makes one ashamed of one's greed and over-consumption.
16:21Absolutely.
16:22Same again.
16:24Why not?
16:26Well, if I don't have another Scotch, it'll hardly get transported to the shanty towns of Lehman, will it?
16:32Just help put some poor sod in Western Scotland out of work.
16:35I do hope they're all right.
16:38Well, a lot of distilleries have closed up there, but...
16:41I think Rita meant Paul and Jenny, Ted.
16:45No, they'll be all right. They're just having a tiff or so.
16:48They have such high expectations from that.
16:51They'll learn.
16:58Do you think that was what novelists mean by a pregnant pause?
17:01Yes.
17:02Ah.
17:05It's hardly respectful, is it, eh?
17:07I mean, talking about pregnancy in public.
17:11I mean, is it?
17:13Especially when our son made their daughter pregnant before they were married.
17:17I mean, is it?
17:21Liz?
17:22Oh, right.
17:25Come on, Ted.
17:27No, no, Rita. The dance floor's not crowded enough for me.
17:30I find talking a strain.
17:32I hardly drink. The food's never any good.
17:35The only thing I enjoy is the dancing, so come on.
17:37Oh.
17:42Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad. Hello, Son.
17:44Elvis.
17:46I thought the least you could have done was to wangle tonight off.
17:48I mean, look at you. You're embarrassing your mother.
17:50Well, not you.
17:51Well, I can't say that exactly thrills me.
17:53I mean, it's not exactly conducive, I mean, is it?
17:57You should have given me a job in the foundry then, shouldn't you?
17:59Ow.
18:01Waiter.
18:03Yes, sir.
18:04Elvis.
18:06Simon.
18:07Good Lord.
18:09Oh, this is my sister's husband's brother.
18:13Sorry. Must be a bit embarrassing for you.
18:15Oh, not really.
18:16Though you might try something a little more polite than yelling waiter.
18:19What's rude about that?
18:20Well, how would you like it if I popped into your office and yelled estate agent?
18:24That's different.
18:26Yeah. You're a member of the profession.
18:28And I'm only a waiter.
18:29I think you're rather forgetting your position, Elvis.
18:33I was speaking as your sister's husband's brother.
18:36Speaking as a waiter, what can I get you, sir?
18:41There we go, sir. Tickety-boo.
18:43Thank you.
18:44This is my strategic defensive position.
18:47Well, here I can keep an eye on Rodney's drinking.
18:50Absolutely. Good plan.
18:53Oh!
18:54What's wrong?
18:55Would you believe toothache?
18:57We had a heart attack last year at the doctor's dinner dance.
19:00And that was a full dress deal.
19:02I get it every now and again, but my dentist can't find anything wrong.
19:06Who is your dentist?
19:08It's Mr. Young.
19:10I'm sorry. That was unethical.
19:12She's probably recovered now.
19:13She does those keep fit classes on the radio.
19:16Is that young Mr. Young or old Mr. Young?
19:18Oh, she's very attractive.
19:19There were seven doctors fighting to give her the kiss of life.
19:23Well, I think it must be old Mr. Young.
19:25He's as bald as a coot.
19:26No, that's young Mr. Young.
19:27Dr. Spreckley won.
19:29Oh, his wife didn't half give him an earful afterwards.
19:31I was amazed she knew such words.
19:33But apparently she's a regular theatre goer.
19:37Look, I wouldn't want to put any pressure on you,
19:39but I could fit you in as a private patient on Monday morning.
19:42Oh, I'd like that.
19:43I'd like the job done properly.
19:47Hello. How's Mr. Sprigg enjoying himself?
19:49I've no idea.
19:50Pardon?
19:52My name's Sprague.
19:53I'm having a great time.
19:56And this is the first time I've had to go all night.
20:04Is there something between you and Liz?
20:06Hmm?
20:07What are you talking about? I never gave you that idea.
20:09I keep seeing you exchanging looks.
20:12Ah, yeah, well, the thing is that, um...
20:15Well, I don't like her.
20:16I mean, to be absolutely honest, I can't stand her, so...
20:19What I'm doing is I'm overcompensating
20:21for the sake of harmony between our two families, you see.
20:25You are going to dance with her, aren't you?
20:27Do you want?
20:28Well, keep your talk if you don't.
20:30Do you want?
20:31Well, keep your talk if you don't.
20:34What a convoluted mind you've got.
20:37All right, I'll dance with her if you insist.
20:40Don't you trust me?
20:42Trust you?
20:43After Ingeborg?
20:47Rita.
20:49Right, you're in hospital, no danger, woman's problem.
20:53And the beautiful blonde daughter of a Swedish ironmongery wholesaler
20:57turns up at the foundry and places an order for 2,000 toasted porks.
21:02Be fair, a man can only resist so much temptation.
21:10One isolated lapse, bitterly regretted.
21:15What about Big Bertha from Nuremberg?
21:21Right, two isolated lapses, bitterly regretted.
21:24And what about Doreen from the Frimley Building Society?
21:31All right, three isolated lapses, bitterly regretted.
21:35I thought that was carrying everyone's friendly at the Frimley too far.
21:39Exactly, I was seduced by the power of advertising.
21:42You were seduced by Doreen Timperley.
21:44And I was impressed by how regularly you were paying in.
21:47Three peccadilloes in 24 years of marital bliss.
21:51That's one lapse every, um, eight years.
21:56Eight years? It's Doreen Timperley.
21:59I'll be very suspicious if you don't dance with Liz.
22:01All right, all right, Rita, I'll dance with her.
22:03Well, don't hold her too close, that's how I'll know something's up.
22:06Rita.
22:07And don't hold her too far apart either, like she's a piece of Dresden china.
22:11Or I'll be really suspicious.
22:13For God's sake.
22:14Or I'll be really suspicious.
22:16For God's sake, Rita. Have you brought your tape measure?
22:24Thank you.
22:28So, Elvis, are you finding your three years as a philosophy graduate helpful in your job?
22:37Incredibly.
22:38Oh, good. Good.
22:40You don't feel that the taxpayers' money has been poured down the drain, then?
22:44Money, money, money.
22:46I hear the heart of an estate agent beating like a till.
22:51In my brief spell as a waitress, I have learnt the answer to a question that has exercised philosophers down the ages.
22:57What question?
22:58Is the external world real, or is it just a figment of my imagination?
23:03Do you exist outside my mind?
23:05I now know that you do.
23:06How?
23:07Because I wouldn't have wasted time inventing anybody as futile as you.
23:13Ditto. With knobs on.
23:15Precisely. Case proven.
23:18That'll be £9.46, sir. Call it £10 for cash.
23:30Dry vermouth and a dry white wine, please.
23:32Betty, what will you...
23:34Ah, yes. That's all, thank you.
23:36Very good, sir. Can do. Tickety-boo.
23:42Hello, Mum.
23:45Jenny and I have just survived as first round.
23:48Congratulations.
23:49We've decided that if the correct lessons are learned, then my lie can cement the relationship.
23:54Oh, good. I'm so glad.
23:56Don't be angry, Mum. I'm sorry if I was a bit rude earlier.
24:01Oh, I understand.
24:04The nerves and emotions sometimes go a bit haywire in pregnancy.
24:09So what's your excuse?
24:11Pardon?
24:12Well, you called me a bitch. I hardly imagine you're pregnant.
24:18Pardon me.
24:20I must apologise for the meal tonight. That chicken was a disaster.
24:24Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot your friend provided it.
24:28No, no, no.
24:29No, no, no, no.
24:31We enjoyed ourselves.
24:33And, I mean, after all, it isn't everything, is it, food?
24:36No, no, not by a long shot.
24:38And talking about food not being everything,
24:40I'd like you to be my guests at my Angling Club Christmas party night.
24:46Yes, it's held at the Lounge Bar of the Crown and Walnut are closed for the occasion.
24:51I mean, it's only a backstreet boozer, but they're a friendly crowd.
24:56Sounds delightful.
24:58Well, well.
25:00Where've you been? We've been worried sick.
25:04Sorry. I think I overreacted.
25:06No, no, you didn't.
25:08Little lies lead to bigger lies and the ultimate destruction of the relationship.
25:13How true.
25:18Another pregnant pause.
25:20The evening seems pregnant with pregnant pauses.
25:28And now, the Dale Monsell Quartet will transport you over the Alps by magic carpet
25:36to the centre of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
25:40Take your partners, ladies and gentlemen, for a whiff of old Vienna.
25:48Jenny.
25:50You'll be all right.
25:51Yes, modest exercise is good for pregnancy, Paul.
25:58Come on.
26:11Darling?
26:12All right.
26:14Rita?
26:16Oh, Mr Badger, why not?
26:21Oh, Ted.
26:22Might be a good idea to pry his Betty away from the bar.
26:27Same thing is happening as at the wedding.
26:29Mrs Chicken is desperately watching Mr Chicken to make sure he doesn't drink too much
26:34and she'll be the one who ends up getting drunk.
26:37You find people so amusing observant, don't you, Boris?
26:41What a pity you don't like us so much close to you.
26:43I do, Liz.
26:45It's just that the Rodenhursts have never found affection easy to express.
26:49Perhaps because you have so little affection to express.
26:53I have feelings, Liz. I just keep them bottled up.
26:56Like chutney?
26:57Exactly.
27:00Well, not exactly like chutney, no.
27:02I'm British, Liz.
27:04My affection doesn't come bursting out in great surges.
27:08Say that again.
27:09No, you don't want to get close to me.
27:11You want to get close to the Toasting Fork Tycoon.
27:13You're having an affair with him, aren't you?
27:15Are you really at your aerobics on a Tuesday?
27:18Don't answer that. I don't really want to know.
27:20Just be very, very discreet.
27:23I don't want to see you dancing with him tonight.
27:25Won't that be guaranteed?
27:26Is that tongue wagging in his mouth?
27:30All right, dance with him, but don't hold him too close.
27:32Yes, sir.
27:35But I just don't understand how a nice man like you
27:38can enjoy dancing while you're keeping hundreds of living creatures
27:41in conditions that would make a Siberian prison camp
27:43seem like a young conservative's dinner dance.
27:47Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
27:49Well, not when you asked me to dance.
27:53But I don't.
27:56Excuse me.
28:03Oh, Jane.
28:05I'm Rita.
28:07Oh, yes. Yes, of course you are.
28:11And now, ladies and gentlemen,
28:13we pay a brief visit to the exotic rhythms of Latin America.
28:18Yes, it's carnival time in Rio.
28:26Oh, come on, Paul.
28:28Oh, leave him alone, Jenny, if he doesn't want to.
28:30No, marriage is a totality of shared experience, Dad.
28:34So that's where I went wrong.
28:37Why are your parents so touchy today?
28:39He slipped after the bar, I'm sure of it.
28:41Excuse me.
28:50Liz, how can you be sure it's mine?
28:52Look casual, Dad. People may be watching.
28:55Hell's bells, Liz. I mean, how can you be sure?
28:58Lawrence and I haven't slept together for, um, four years.
29:01Oh, I presumed, you know, that you were taking precautions.
29:03No point. If there's nothing to take them against, you could, I suppose.
29:07Hell's bells, Liz.
29:08I don't go to wedding receptions armed with rubber goods.
29:11Anyway, I thought the chances were pretty remote at your age.
29:14Oh, thank you.
29:15Oh, well, I'm sorry.
29:17Now, what a...
29:18Oh, look casual, look casual, look happy.
29:20Oh, what a tactless uncouth man you are.
29:24No, no, no. I meant you don't look your age.
29:27So sometimes I forget how you aren't quite as amazingly young as you seem.
29:33Don't try and look up.
29:35I like you because you aren't smooth.
29:38I like you for what you are, your own man.
29:41Proud, rough.
29:44Good Lord.
29:46Liz, I suppose you thought of having a...
29:50Nutter.
29:53Yes, I have.
29:57I've decided to have a baby.
29:59But I absolutely adore York.
30:03You what?
30:04Oh, York, ah.
30:06The Minster, the shambles.
30:08It was rather, wasn't it, poor Rodney?
30:10Sorry?
30:11I thought you said the dinner was a shambles.
30:13No, York.
30:14York's a shambles. I don't agree.
30:17No, no, I mean there's a street in York called Shambles.
30:20I know.
30:22I know.
30:23Well, I know you know.
30:25Well, I mean, I presumed you know.
30:27You know, most people do.
30:33Ah, Liz.
30:34Are you prepared to brave the perils of my clumsy feet?
30:37What?
30:38Yes.
30:48APPLAUSE
30:57Another dance, Neville?
30:59Um, no, please. Thank you.
31:01It might help take you out of yourself.
31:03I don't want to be taken out of myself.
31:05Who would I be then?
31:18MUSIC PLAYS
31:26It's worse than being on the telly.
31:28No, be grumpy.
31:29I feel like being grumpy.
31:31You making me make love to you at the wedding reception,
31:33choosing tonight to tell me you're pregnant,
31:35constantly referring to pregnant pauses,
31:38blinding kisses.
31:40Honestly, Liz, I think you flirt with danger
31:42as much as you do with me and it turns you on.
31:44No.
31:46No, you turn me on.
31:49I'm having your baby.
31:51Oh, Liz.
31:53Big.
31:54What are we going to do?
31:59It's impossible to dance to this music.
32:03What's wrong?
32:04Nothing.
32:05Do you know who there is?
32:07No.
32:08Come on, tell me.
32:10Tell me.
32:11No secrets, a totality of shared experience.
32:15I think my mother and your father are having an affair.
32:25Sort of told me.
32:30Did you have your baby?
32:32Of course.
32:34Of course I did.
32:35But, I mean, I'm not young.
32:38Eh?
32:41That's what I mean, isn't it?
32:43It's a waste.
32:45What the hell?
32:47Oh, there he is.
32:48Baby.
32:50Yeah, good.
32:51Good.
32:52Well, I mean, you know, I mean Lawrence.
32:55Well, obviously, I can't be able to go on living with Lawrence.
32:57Oh, quite.
32:59Good, good.
33:00Look bright and jolly.
33:02Oh, yes.
33:04Oh, heck.
33:07I think we should live together.
33:10Oh, absolutely.
33:12No other way.
33:14Is there absolutely no possibility that it is?
33:18Don't you want to live with me?
33:20Of course I do.
33:21I mean, it's like a dream.
33:23It's just I was exploring all the possibilities.
33:26I mean, like the clappers.
33:28You know what I mean?
33:30Oh, heck.
33:31Your enthusiasm sounds pretty temperate to me.
33:34No, no, love.
33:36No, no.
33:37It's just that it's just I was just thinking about Rita and, you know, Lawrence and the family.
33:42And, I mean, of course I do.
33:44Madly.
33:45And just everything.
33:51Oh, heck.
33:54How?
33:55How?
33:56How what?
33:57How do we go about it?
33:58We just go off together.
33:59Quickly.
34:00Suddenly.
34:01Clean break.
34:02That's absolutely, absolutely, yes.
34:05When?
34:06Tonight.
34:07Tonight?
34:09You are function fixated.
34:12Well, it's not easy for me either.
34:14I never left Lawrence before.
34:16I'm worried.
34:17My courage will run out if I don't.
34:19Oh, now.
34:21When the dance finishes.
34:23Before the routine of our daily life engulfs us forever.
34:30Oh, heck.
34:31Thank you.
34:35Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
34:38We'll see you again in a few minutes after a short break.
34:44How were the beaches in the south of France?
34:46Rather too full of overweight, topless Germans for my taste.
34:50Oh, dear.
34:51I mean, I know Filey has its critics.
34:54But let's face it.
34:56It's not full of overweight, nude German women.
35:01Catch their death.
35:02It's an ill wind.
35:04Absolutely.
35:05I must go home.
35:07Thank you, Lawrence, for an evening.
35:11You're in no condition to drive, Neville.
35:13Paul will drive him.
35:15He won't mind.
35:16Oh, that's very kind.
35:18Where's Liz?
35:19I must say goodbye to Liz.
35:20Oh, come on, Neville.
35:24I owe you an apology, Rita.
35:27It was a trifle abrupt earlier.
35:29You're under a strain.
35:31I understand.
35:33That's no excuse.
35:34Jane believed in good manners.
35:36She'd have been deeply shocked.
35:38That sort of thing lets her down.
35:41Let's me down.
35:43It lets badger, badger, fox and badger down.
35:47Never mind.
35:48The point is you're coping better than at the wedding.
35:51You're going to be all right.
35:53Time is a great healer.
35:56Oh, shut up.
35:59He's so happy when he's sober and he's so miserable when he's drunk,
36:02it worries me.
36:04Which is his real self.
36:07Ah.
36:09Paul, are you sober?
36:11Of course I am.
36:12I haven't been here long enough to get drunk.
36:14Oh, good.
36:15You won't mind driving Neville home then, will you?
36:17Thank you, Paul.
36:19Goodbye, Rita.
36:20What can I say?
36:21I'm sorry.
36:24I'm sorry.
36:26Good night, Neville.
36:27Where's Liz?
36:28Oh, I'll say good night to her for you.
36:30Thank you for volunteering.
36:32There you go, sir.
36:33Just the job, tickety-boo.
36:39Come on.
36:51Hey, how's that doing, Rita?
36:53Dad, I wish you wouldn't say our Rita.
36:57I know that does.
36:58Anyway, don't worry this in, our Rita.
37:00I've been on me best behaviour.
37:03My table are right interested in me tales of the olden days.
37:07They've no idea of the problems posed by horse manure in big cities.
37:11Dad, I can't take you anywhere.
37:14I've noticed.
37:15Well, are you surprised?
37:17Why do you have to come out with such crude things?
37:20Because you don't take me anywhere.
37:28This time it's Rodney that's got drunk.
37:31I'll say this for your friends, Rita.
37:33They have a high entertainment value.
37:36Lawrence, do you think there is anything between Ted and Liz?
37:43You mean, are they having an affair?
37:45Well, I want to put it quite...
37:49Well, yes, I suppose I do.
37:51Yes.
37:52What?
37:53Yes, I do think they are having an affair.
37:55Yes, I do think they are having an affair.
37:57Oh, my God, Lawrence, they can't be.
37:59Well, you just asked me. You must have thought they were.
38:02Yes, but I hope you'd tell me that I was imagining things.
38:06You'd tell me I was sticking my mind into putting myself together.
38:09Sorry.
38:10Oh, my God.
38:11Keep calm, Rita. People may be watching.
38:13Keep calm?
38:15Our two youngest children have only been married for ten years
38:18and my husband is having an affair with your wife
38:20and you tell me to keep calm?
38:22Absolutely, because it won't last, you know.
38:24Liz is far too much of a snob.
38:27Say nothing. Close ranks. Make small talk.
38:29Hello.
38:30Hello, Jenny.
38:31Rita was just telling me they found the scenery in Provence very spectacular,
38:36but not as green as England.
38:41Yes, yes, it was very spectacular, but not as green as England.
38:46Oh.
38:48The scenery in Peru is very spectacular.
38:51Especially the Andes.
38:56Hi.
38:57Exactly.
38:59Come on, Lawrence, let's dance.
39:01Oh, well, right.
39:13What did you mean by saying that Liz was too much of a snob?
39:17Nothing.
39:20Then why say it?
39:23You're forcing me to spell it out, Rita.
39:26Teddy is not quite her social equal.
39:29Well, he's got his own business.
39:31He employs people.
39:33He exports to 27 countries.
39:35He's done extremely well for himself,
39:37but socially, Rita, socially, selling doorknobs to Arabs
39:40hardly compares with being a dentist's wife.
39:43I mean, do you want this affair to last?
39:45Of course not.
39:46You don't want it not to last because he's not good enough for it.
39:49The indestructibility of English snobbery.
39:51I think the snobbery's on your side, Lawrence.
39:53Oh, well, without wishing to be snobbish, Rita,
39:55I would suggest that you are far more blatantly snobbish than I am.
39:59People who are awkwardly mobile always are.
40:04And now, by popular demand, seniors and senior-eaters,
40:09we're off to España, the land of the bullfight.
40:13Rita!
40:34There she is, the girl that once told me
40:37I was the ermine goring of the British food industry.
40:40Rodney!
40:41No, but I sort of did. Oh, Lord.
40:43No, please, you did right.
40:46A drink for my friend, Barkeep.
40:49Well, just an orange juice.
40:51Juice of the orange can do, no problem. Here we go.
40:54You did right.
40:55As I stand here, warm and well-fed, well, thirsty,
41:00but apart from that, in the pink, out there, under the stars,
41:07are rows of wood and nuts,
41:10Stalag N32, the buttery chicken archipelago,
41:15a monument to man's inhumanity to chicken.
41:21Barman, you seem like a total idiot. What do you say?
41:2460p, sir.
41:26Do you mean we just go on living with them as if nothing has happened?
41:29It's easy enough. They're discreet.
41:32What sort of a marriage is that?
41:34The best available under the circumstances.
41:37I tell you, I can't live with them knowing.
41:41Rita, I implore you to be cautious. Don't rock the boat.
41:44Maybe they've already rocked the boat. They've been gone a long time.
41:49You mean they're at it now? Where?
41:53In your car? In my car? Liz wouldn't.
41:57Maybe they've walked out on us.
42:00They wouldn't. Not tonight. Ted's my guest.
42:03I agree. It would be very rude.
42:05Rude? Unforgivable. Those tickets cost me £14.50.
42:08Lawrence! I know.
42:10Pretty steep for that rubbish when you think the wine was extra.
42:13No, I meant how can you talk up money at a time like this?
42:17Because now you are imagining things.
42:19Liz wouldn't leave me. Certainly not for...
42:23Not tonight.
42:25The dentist's dinner dance is the highlight of my social calendar.
42:28Liz knows that.
42:30Next year I'm president.
42:32She wouldn't. Just wouldn't.
42:35Would she?
42:37Come on, Jenny. We have a job to do.
42:40A job?
42:42We're going to let my chickens go free.
42:45Open the doors.
42:47Or fly away to a better life.
42:50Stop him, Jenny, because he could well do it.
42:52Come on, Jenny.
42:54Help me make amends for a wicked life.
42:57I can't. I'm waiting for Paul.
43:02Jenny, did Jay Guevara say,
43:05sorry, chaps, the revolution's off, we've got visitors?
43:09He did not.
43:11Well, it's not the way to do it.
43:14You've got to close down the factory.
43:17I'll tell you what. I'll make umbrellas instead.
43:21You're not one of those umbrella liberation people, are you?
43:25Come on.
43:27I can't take advantage of you in this condition.
43:29Never mind my condition.
43:32It's about my chickens.
43:34I mean, do they ever get a chance to go to a dinner dance and eat frozen people?
43:40You're all talk, no do. You make me sick.
43:48Oh, Robbie.
43:52Our car's gone.
43:54What?
43:55Our car. It's not in the car park.
43:58Well, maybe they've gone for a quick drink.
44:01I hardly think so.
44:03Gone for a quick, um, in some deserted spot.
44:07Maybe. They've left us.
44:09What? Oh, my God.
44:12Rita, what are we going to do?
44:14Smile.
44:15What?
44:16Well, keep up appearances now. It's at least to the show.
44:19Oh, yes, right.
44:22This is dreadful.
44:24Yes.
44:26What's funny?
44:27I'm just keeping up appearances.
44:29Oh, yes, right. Well done.
44:33Not being rude, Rita, but I'd have expected you to go to pieces.
44:37Thanks. I'm glad you weren't being rude.
44:40Well, yes, as a matter of fact, so would I.
44:44I mean, it's odd.
44:46All my life I've been dreading the worst.
44:49And now that it's happened,
44:51well, I suppose there's nothing more to fear.
44:55And it's almost a relief.
44:59In a way.
45:01Well, why, Rita?
45:04We were happy. We existed pretty satisfactorily.
45:07On the whole.
45:11Rita, she must come back.
45:14I can't face it.
45:16The empty house.
45:18Telling the family, facing my friends.
45:21The girls in the surgery, the patients.
45:25The cleaning woman.
45:28All that sympathy.
45:32All that emptiness.
45:34Oh, my God.
45:35Now, keep calm, Lawrence.
45:37Calm? My wife's just left me and you tell me to...
45:40It's my fault. I failed her.
45:49Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
45:52Well, I'm afraid the licensing authorities have beaten us yet again.
45:57It's time for the last waltz.
46:11Oh, my God.
46:13Here comes your father, that's all, Annie.
46:15Lord, I'm sorry.
46:18Make small talk.
46:20And the funny thing was, it wasn't even our cat.
46:25Oh, dear me.
46:26Hello. How are you?
46:28I'm having a great time.
46:30Do you know, I've just had my table in tux
46:33with me impression of Staff Sergeant Crabtree.
46:35Oh, no, you didn't do Staff Sergeant Crabtree.
46:39I've never seen Mr Breesley laugh so much.
46:42It's a pity you weren't there, Mr Robinhurst.
46:44Oh, my losses, Breesley's gain.
46:49Is everything all right?
46:51Absolutely. It's a wonderful evening.
46:53Oh, absolutely wonderful.
46:56Here, come and dance.
46:57Me?
46:59Well, I'm not dancing with him. I'm not a bum boy.
47:01Dad!
47:02Come on, dance with your old dad.
47:05Oh, all right.
47:15Thanks, Dad.
47:22Dad, why do you have to be so crude?
47:26Because he hates it.
47:29Why do you have to hurt me?
47:32Because you hurt me.
47:34Dad!
47:35Oh, I understand.
47:38I clash with your contemporary furniture.
47:40Dad!
47:43I dare say you'll have me now.
47:45Your mother's dying.
47:47Dad, she's not dying.
47:49She's dying.
47:51I know that.
47:55Like I know there's something wrong between you and Ted.
47:59I'm not such an old fool as you think, you know.
48:03What's up, Rita?
48:06I think he's run off with Liz.
48:08Liz?
48:11Oh, Rita.
48:13A bloody fool.
48:15My God, I wish I were 20 years younger.
48:17I'd give one of these dentists something to do.
48:19I'd kick his bloody teeth in.
48:20Dad!
48:21Well, no way to treat my little girl.
48:25Dad?
48:27Come on, Rita.
48:28Defy the world.
48:31You had such spirit when you were a little girl.
48:33You could be a little devil.
48:36Where's it all gone?
48:37What's happened, Rita?
48:39Life, Dad.
48:40Life's happened.
48:43Come on now, Rita.
48:45You can do it.
48:47Show a bit of style.
48:49That's funny.
48:50He said that.
48:52Well, show him.
48:54Show her.
48:55Show them.
48:57Defy the world.
48:59All right.
49:01Come on now, Dad.
49:10Oh!
49:12Dad!
49:13Dad!
49:14Dad!
49:15Dad!
49:16Dad!
49:17Dad!
49:18Dad!
49:20You can't be dead.
49:22I haven't told you I love you.
49:39I love you.
50:10Dad!
50:15Dad!
50:19Dad!
50:32Dad!
50:34Dad!