Soap Season 2 Episode 12
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00:00In the last episode of SOAP, Jessica hired Detective Donahue to follow the trail of the
00:06missing Chester, but it appears Detective Donahue would prefer to follow Jessica.
00:11Danny and Bert began following the kidnappers' instructions hoping they'll follow through
00:14on their promise to return Elaine.
00:16Eunice and Dutch are on their way to a farm in upstate New York and hope the police won't
00:20follow them.
00:21And what with Elaine's kidnapping and Jody's wedding plans, it follows that Bert and Mary
00:25haven't had time to confront each other about their respective affairs.
00:29Unable to follow all this, you won't be after the following episode of SOAP.
00:36This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:43These are the Tates.
00:46And these are the Campbells.
00:49And this is SOAP.
01:17Which one of these phones are they going to call on?
01:19They didn't say.
01:21I'd feel a lot easier if that lady would get off the line.
01:26Excuse me miss, are you going to be long?
01:27Get out of here!
01:28Thank you.
01:29She'll just be a few minutes.
01:31They could be calling any second now.
01:32Danny, please relax.
01:33You take these four phones.
01:34I'll get these four.
01:35Talking right out.
01:36How's it going lady?
01:37Rotate!
01:38Good to hear it.
01:39New Yorkers don't waste words.
01:42Yeah.
01:43Hey lady, if you don't get off this phone, me and him are going to kill you.
01:47Why didn't you say so?
01:48I'll call you later.
01:53Thanks.
01:54Those are mine.
01:55Those are mine.
01:56Hello.
01:57Hello.
01:58Hello.
01:59Hello.
02:00It's that phone.
02:01Yeah.
02:02Yeah, I got it.
02:03I got all of it.
02:04But I'm not taking another step until I talk to Elaine.
02:06If that's not too much trouble, sir.
02:07Hey, when I hear that broad say hello, I'm fine.
02:09Give me the phone.
02:12Okay, lover boy, so how do I know you got the money?
02:15I got it.
02:16But unless I hear from Elaine, you'll never see it.
02:19Well, if we don't see it, you don't see her.
02:21And if we don't see her, you don't see the money.
02:23If I don't see the money, you don't see her.
02:24No her, no money.
02:25No money, no her.
02:26Fine.
02:27Fine.
02:31All right, look, I got it.
02:32Every dime.
02:33Just tell me where do I make the drop, jerk.
02:35Don't you ever talk to me like that again.
02:38Never again.
02:39Sorry, never.
02:40Here.
02:41Watch your mouth.
02:43Danny?
02:44Elaine, thank God.
02:45Oh, Danny, Danny, oh God, I feel so bad.
02:48What's the matter?
02:49Are they hurting you because if they touch one hair on your head...
02:51No, no, no, honey, honey, I'm fine.
02:52It's just I feel so bad about being so much trouble.
02:54Trouble?
02:55Baby, what are you talking about?
02:56You're no trouble.
02:58I love you.
02:59Oh, I love you.
03:00I love you.
03:01Oh, I love you.
03:02I love you.
03:03I love you, Danny.
03:04All right, all right, all right, you love each other.
03:06This calls costing a fortune.
03:09All right, look, here's where you make the drop.
03:11Uh-huh.
03:13Uh-huh.
03:14Yeah.
03:16Yeah.
03:18Across from the...
03:20Yeah, behind the...
03:22Yeah.
03:24That's not how you spell that.
03:25How do you spell that?
03:27Yeah.
03:29Okay.
03:31Got it.
03:34Bye-bye.
03:37Well, Danny, there's nothing to do now but just wait for tomorrow.
03:45I really love her.
03:47I know, Danny.
04:06Dutch?
04:07Yeah?
04:09This is your grandmother's farmhouse?
04:10Yeah.
04:11It's awful.
04:13It's a pigsty.
04:15She sure let it go to pot.
04:17You know, she wasn't a bad housekeeper.
04:19She's been dead for ten years.
04:21Let's talk about it later.
04:22I've got to go to the bathroom.
04:28Dutch?
04:29Yeah?
04:30There's no bathroom.
04:31Of course there's a bathroom.
04:32There's got to be a bathroom.
04:35There's no bathroom.
04:36So what, did your grandmother die of kidney disease?
04:38I forgot.
04:39Look here.
04:40You see that over there by the tree?
04:41That's the outhouse.
04:43Outhouse?
04:44Yeah.
04:45That's where people go to the bathroom?
04:46Right.
04:48Forget it.
04:49Eunice, you're the one who has to go to the bathroom, not me.
04:52What?
04:53What?
04:54Tarantula!
04:57What are you doing up here?
04:59What do you mean, what am I doing up here?
05:00You said there's a tarantula.
05:02You're a man.
05:04I'm a man.
05:05I'm a tarantula.
05:07You're a man.
05:08You're not supposed to be afraid of a tarantula.
05:10Like hell I'm not.
05:13I can't stand things like that.
05:14Spiders and stuff.
05:17Dutch, you've got to kill it.
05:20You've got to be kidding.
05:22That means I have to get close to it?
05:24Well, you killed a man, for God's sake.
05:25You can kill a tarantula.
05:27That's probably not a tarantula.
05:28You know that, don't you?
05:30Oh, that's a tarantula, all right.
05:32There's no tarantulas in New York State.
05:33Oh, really?
05:34What do they do?
05:35Walk through Jersey, get to the George Washington Bridge,
05:36and say, that's as far as we go.
05:41Dutch!
05:42What are you going to do?
05:43I'm going to kill it.
05:45It can't stay up there forever.
05:51That's not a tarantula.
05:52That's a black widow spider.
05:55Why didn't you kill it?
05:56Why didn't I kill it?
05:57Do you know how poisonous those things are?
05:59Well, he's probably much more afraid of us than we are of him.
06:01Oh, yeah, sure.
06:03Then how come we're the ones up on the table?
06:06Dutch, why don't you just jump off the table and land on him?
06:11Okay, come on. Come on. Come on.
06:13Come on.
06:14Okay, okay, okay.
06:20What if that doesn't kill him?
06:22Dutch, you weigh 180 pounds.
06:23You'd kill a buffalo.
06:24Now go on.
06:26Jump.
06:28Ah.
06:30Did it kill him?
06:31I don't know. I don't feel him breathing.
06:37Not under that foot.
06:41Uh-oh.
06:42What?
06:43It's not under that foot either.
06:46Oh, God.
06:47What?
06:48He's crawling up my leg.
06:49Oh, he's not. He's not crawling up your leg.
06:51He is. He is. He's crawling up my leg.
06:52He's going to bite me and kill me.
06:53No.
06:54Dutch.
06:55Dutch, stand still.
06:56You're going to antagonize him.
06:59Oh, God.
07:00What?
07:05He bit me.
07:06I felt the bite.
07:08This is it, Eunice.
07:09I can feel the poison coming up my leg.
07:10It's going right to my heart.
07:11He bit me.
07:12He bit me.
07:16Where did he bite you?
07:17On my leg.
07:18Oh, no.
07:19I can't tell you.
07:20I probably only got a couple of minutes to live.
07:22There's nothing there.
07:23What do you mean there's nothing there?
07:25There's nothing on your leg.
07:26Eunice, don't joke with a dying person.
07:27That ain't nice.
07:28Would you look?
07:30Wow!
07:35I killed him. I killed him.
07:40I was standing on him.
07:42Where are you going?
07:43To the outhouse.
07:44If I can kill a spider, I can handle the outhouse.
07:51Into the mystifying arms.
07:55Oh, Benson, good.
07:56Sit down a minute.
07:57Why?
07:58I want you to work this with me.
07:59What is it?
08:00It's a Ouija board.
08:01It tells the future.
08:02Get out of here.
08:04No, Benson.
08:05Come on, now.
08:06Just for a second.
08:08What does it do?
08:09Well, first of all, we have to put our fingers on it.
08:12Not like that.
08:14Gently, like this.
08:17Now, I ask it questions, and it spells out the answers.
08:21You paid money for this?
08:22Yes.
08:24Ready?
08:25Now?
08:26Yeah.
08:28What is Benson going to cook for dinner?
08:32You could have just asked me instead of spending money on this.
08:35Nothing's happening.
08:37I guess I ain't cooking.
08:40Give it a minute.
08:42Forget it.
08:43It probably don't move for black people.
08:47Hi, I let myself in.
08:48Good, now you can let yourself out.
08:50Oh, Benson, can I get something to drink?
08:51No.
08:53Good, thank you.
08:54I'd probably spill it.
08:57Detective Donahue, I have a surprise for you.
09:00And I have a surprise for you.
09:01I found a bandage that probably belonged to your husband at the train station.
09:04I think he's headed toward New York.
09:06Let's ask the Ouija board.
09:07It'll tell us.
09:09Ouija board?
09:10Mm-hmm.
09:11That's my surprise.
09:12No kidding?
09:14Well, that's sure going to save me a lot of work.
09:16Now I can conduct the entire investigation from the kitchen.
09:19You don't believe in it, do you?
09:20No.
09:21Well, do you think that you'll find Chester?
09:23Well, I found everyone I've ever looked for, except for one person.
09:27Who?
09:28My ex-wife.
09:29What happened to her?
09:30She ran off with my partner.
09:32No.
09:33We owned a detective agency together, he and I, for ten years.
09:36Then one day, he and my wife disappeared, along with most of our earnings.
09:40See, he was screwing around with the books, too.
09:45You never found them?
09:47No, I never looked.
09:48See, in the beginning, I was so hurt, I couldn't bring myself to,
09:51and after a while, I was so angry, I didn't want to.
09:54How terrible.
09:55Nah, it's okay, it's fine.
09:56House is quiet, there's no hair in the sink.
10:00Don't you worry.
10:01Someday you'll find someone.
10:03I already have.
10:04Oh, see that?
10:05Isn't that nice?
10:06Stinks, I hate it.
10:07Wish I'd never met her.
10:09I'm a wreck.
10:10That woman knew what she was doing to me.
10:12You mean she doesn't know?
10:14Of course not.
10:15Well, you have to tell her how you feel.
10:17I can't tell her how I feel.
10:19Of course you can.
10:20No, I can't.
10:21You just tell her.
10:22I love you.
10:23You see, just say it out like that.
10:25She'll love hearing it, believe me.
10:27I love you.
10:28Good, good, it sounds good.
10:31You, I love you.
10:39Me.
10:41See what I mean?
10:42I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have said it.
10:43You forced me.
10:44I'm leaving, goodbye, where's the door?
10:46Me?
10:47You.
10:48No.
10:49Yes.
10:50Really?
10:51Who do you think I'd make something like that up?
10:53Oh, this is terrible.
10:55Oh, I don't know how terrible it is, I'm not that bad.
10:57Oh, no, I don't mean that, but if you feel the way you say you feel,
11:01how hard are you going to look for Chester?
11:03Very hard.
11:04I'd rather compete with a man than with the memory.
11:06Don't worry, Mrs. Tate, I promise, you'll get your husband.
11:09And then, I'll get you.
11:16I'll get you.
11:28Nervous, huh?
11:29Well, I...
11:30Don't be, it's the happiest day of your life, remember that.
11:32Yeah, I know, but...
11:33It's the happiest day of my life once.
11:35It's the happiest day of your mother's life right now, isn't that true, Mary?
11:37You see, don't be nervous.
11:39You nervous?
11:40A little.
11:41Don't be, it's the happiest day of your life.
11:42You nervous, Bert?
11:43No, I've been through this all before.
11:44Yeah, I'm pretty nervous.
11:46Don't you be nervous, because you're marrying a wonderful girl,
11:48and the entire family's crazy about us.
11:49So, isn't that true, Mary?
11:52See what I mean? We're all tickled pink.
11:56Oh, Ma, Ma.
11:58You all right?
11:59Oh, great.
12:00Is that happy crying or unhappy crying?
12:02You know, I've never been able to tell the difference.
12:03Yes.
12:05Yes.
12:06It's both.
12:07I'm happy because you're getting married, Jody, but...
12:10I'm losing my baby.
12:11Ma, you're not losing me.
12:13I'm right here.
12:14Don't move out.
12:15I'll never see you.
12:17Ma, I moved out months ago.
12:20And you still see me.
12:22I mean, today's a perfect example.
12:24Look this way.
12:27What do you see?
12:29You.
12:30See?
12:32Let me explain something to you.
12:35You know, I'm not very big on father-son lectures, right?
12:37But women are different than men.
12:39I suppose if you understand that more than anybody,
12:41I mean, they're dealt with it from both sides, so to speak.
12:44No, I mean, up here.
12:45No, it's their... Up here, they're different.
12:47For instance, sometimes if you're nice to them,
12:48right away they get suspicious.
12:50And then if you treat them rotten,
12:51they think they did something wrong,
12:52and they feel great, you see?
12:54That is one of the more ridiculous things I've ever heard.
12:56Please, Mary, I know what I'm talking about here.
12:58They contradict a lot, too.
12:59You say blue, they say green.
13:00Totally untrue.
13:02See that?
13:03Okay, that's it.
13:04See you out there, Jody.
13:05Thanks, Bert.
13:09You know, Ma,
13:11I am a little nervous.
13:13I know.
13:17I hope I'm doing the right thing.
13:20I think you're going to make a terrific married person.
13:25Ah, there you are.
13:27Everything okay?
13:29No, Aunt Jessie just sewed herself the key.
13:31Oh, I see.
13:32Everything okay?
13:33No, Aunt Jessie just sewed herself the carol.
13:35You think maybe you could go and undo them?
13:38Yes, I'll see you later.
13:48Hey, you son of a gun, you.
13:51Hey.
13:52You nervous?
13:53Yeah, a little.
13:54Well, don't be,
13:55because today is the happiest day of your life.
13:58I heard.
14:00You sure you're holding up okay?
14:02Yeah.
14:03How about you?
14:04Okay.
14:05Okay.
14:07There's not much left to do
14:08except to follow instructions and wait.
14:11You know, Danny,
14:13you didn't have to come here today.
14:14I would have understood.
14:15Look, we could all use a happy time right about now.
14:18I'm glad.
14:19Hey, listen,
14:20I'm not really big on giving brotherly advice,
14:22but I have found from personal experience
14:25that if you treat a woman in a certain way,
14:28she'll respond in a certain way.
14:30So whatever you do,
14:31always treat Carol in a certain way.
14:38Thanks, Danny.
14:39It'll pay off for you in the end.
14:41It's good to know.
14:43Gee, isn't it something?
14:45I'm married, you're getting married.
14:48Remember when all we used to think about
14:49was whether Susie Spivaks were real enough?
14:53They were.
14:55They were.
15:01Life was so simple then.
15:02Everything was so easy.
15:04At six, you were going to be a fireman,
15:06and I was going to be a dog.
15:10That's right.
15:11Big Alfred, the collie who lived on the block.
15:15And then a year later,
15:16I was going to be the president,
15:17and you were going to take
15:18Mickey Mantle's job away from him.
15:20You know, I'd still get five years of my life
15:21to have my face on a baseball card.
15:24Dallas, Jody.
15:25Born in New York City.
15:26Bats left, throws right.
15:27Jody once completed four double plays in one game
15:29while wearing high heels.
15:39Well, it's time. You ready?
15:41No.
15:51Now I'm ready, little brother.
15:55Hey, Alfred. Come on, boy.
16:05Hey, Jody.
16:06Hi, Billy.
16:07Good luck.
16:08Thanks.
16:09Does this mean I don't get to go
16:10to the Knick games with you anymore?
16:11Why would you ever think a thing like that?
16:13You won't have an extra ticket.
16:14Relax. Carol hates basketball.
16:16That's great. She's a terrific person.
16:19I'm letting you off guard duty tonight, Private.
16:24Just be sure she's out of the barracks by 0600.
16:49Maybe she's having trouble with her gown, though.
16:51I'll go see.
16:58Shouldn't she come out now?
17:01Would you?
17:03I wonder what's keeping her.
17:05Common sense.
17:06Hey.
17:07Hey.
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17:16Hey.
17:17Common sense.
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19:47Why don't we go into the next room,
19:48take the dolls off the cake and get blitzed?
19:49What do you say?
19:51Okay.
20:13Will the kidnappers drop Elaine off at the Campbells after Danny and Bert make the drop?
20:22Or will she have to take the bus?
20:24Can Eunice really be happy living on a farm with Dutch, or will she miss Bloomingdale's?
20:28If Detective Donahue gets Chester, will he be able to get Jessica, or will she tell him
20:32to get lost?
20:33Where has Carol gone?
20:35What will Jody do?
20:36And does this mean he has to return the wedding presents?
20:39These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap.
20:46Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.