Telling my husband he needs to quit his dream job
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00:00So, I, 32F, and my husband, 29M, live in an area with an extremely high cost of living.
00:08I work a job that pays decently well, which is kind of necessary to live where we do.
00:13My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall,
00:18though he absolutely hated working there.
00:21Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field.
00:27He had been working at it for years, and was really excited about finally getting there.
00:32However, it's come with.
00:34The big issue is, the pay in his field is abysmal.
00:37He works as a freelancer, which is standard in his industry, so his job has zero benefits,
00:43and it's a pretty significant pay cut from his old job.
00:47We don't have combined finances, and after he took the new job, we had to rearrange how
00:51we pay for things to account for his lower income.
00:54Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having
00:59student loans to pay off while he didn't.
01:02As it is now, I have to be the breadwinner since his income was basically halved, paying
01:07for a larger portion of the expenses.
01:09I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job and find a better
01:14paying field because it just wasn't feasible.
01:17He got upset, since like I said, this is something he's dreamed of for years, and worked really
01:23hard to get, which I understand.
01:26But I just feel this isn't fair to me.
01:28We've had to cut back on a lot of things, and there's not really any sign of a pay increase
01:32at this point.
01:33I feel like I'm carrying him.
01:36He offered to get a part-time job on the side, but I know anything he could get that would
01:40be feasible for him while keeping his current job wouldn't provide much.
01:44He suggested we move somewhere less expensive, to which I said absolutely not, since we'd
01:50have to go quite a ways to find something in that range, and it'd mean ridiculously
01:54long commutes to my work and being further away from my family.
01:58He offered to have his parents help, which I don't want because it's not a long-term
02:02solution.
02:03He's extremely upset, and I understand it, because I know he worked hard to get here.
02:08If he quit now, it'd basically kill his career, and it would be extremely hard for
02:13him to get another shot at this job.
02:16It's not like we're struggling, which is true.
02:18We can pay rent and put food on the table, but I hate feeling like this.
02:23I work long days at a rather difficult job, while he works from home doing something he
02:27did before as a hobby and only makes half as much money now.
02:31My point is that it's not like he has to stop doing what he does altogether, since as I
02:36mentioned, he did it as a hobby beforehand.
02:39But he's upset because he said this is the only thing he's ever wanted to do career-wise,
02:44and giving it up now would mean he likely never would be able to make it work.
02:48I understand this is important to him, but I'm starting to resent him because I feel
02:52like the burden of our finances are being placed on me, and we've had to cut back on
02:57a lot of things.
02:59Comment 1.
03:00YTA.
03:01What have you tried to do yourself?
03:04Just because you make more money and work long hours doesn't mean the onus is on him
03:08to pull his weight.
03:10It doesn't sound like he's being a lazy freeloader to me.
03:13He worked a job that made him miserable to help get your student loan debt paid off,
03:18now he's finally happy.
03:20It sounds like you're the one that wants to live in an expensive way in order to keep
03:24your current job and be near your family.
03:27You you you.
03:29What are you doing for him?
03:31Have you considered getting a different job or pursuing a promotion?
03:35Why can't you find a way to live that doesn't require him to be miserable?
03:39Comment 2.
03:40YTA.
03:42Sounds like this is a stepping stone job.
03:45You're both relatively young in life and career.
03:48I'm operating under the assumption there are no children yet given you didn't mention them.
03:53Give the man some time.
03:55If you don't, he'll resent you for the rest of your lives or time together.
04:00Comment 3.
04:01YTA.
04:02Forcing him to quit a job he loves when you're not truly financially struggling will only
04:08make him resentful.
04:09It will probably destroy your relationship.
04:12He offered a lot of very reasonable solutions.
04:15He actually doesn't seem to need or want to live in your extremely high cost of living
04:20area.
04:21You want to because it's close to your job and your family.
04:24So you're putting him in a position where he can never have the career he truly wants
04:28because you insist on living in an unaffordable area but aren't willing to make any sacrifices
04:34in lifestyle.
04:35Comment 4.
04:36YTA.
04:38I've been with my husband for 9 years now.
04:41I just gave birth to our son 5 months after years of infertility.
04:45We underwent 3 rounds of IVF before we had a pregnancy that stuck, 4 miscarriages.
04:51This was such a a big turning point in our marriage.
04:55We got unbelievably closer, despite all the grief, and for the first 3.5 months of our
05:00son's life he was easily the most attentive and helpful man I have ever in my life met.
05:06Life was happy.
05:08Well, his mom all the sudden came back into his life when our son was 3.5 months old.
05:14She moved back to our state, she moved to Canada without him when he was 13 and has
05:19barely seen him or his siblings for 17 years.
05:23There have been multiple occasions where her presence has made me incredibly uncomfortable.
05:28Like she has come here a good 5 to 6 times since our son was 3.5 months old, never held
05:34the baby either.
05:35When my husband says look, it's Grammy, his mom will raise her eyebrows and say hi before
05:41looking away.
05:4299% of the time that she comes here, she asks my husband to go outside with her, away from
05:48me and the baby, and she started to ask my husband a lot to go to her place and needless
05:53to say, me and the baby are never invited.
05:56He says that she's just trying to catch up with him and make up for lost time but I'm
06:01honestly just done with it, today was his only day off this week.
06:05The baby has a spiked fever and is super cranky.
06:09I had to call out of work for the past 3 days due to this, I work from home.
06:14The house is an absolute mess.
06:16I haven't showered in 4 days.
06:19I can't put the baby down without him screaming.
06:22I need help.
06:23Well, around 10 am his mom calls and says she needs him because she has a surgery and
06:29needs a ride to and from.
06:31So, he leaves.
06:33There was no prior notice.
06:35Well, he called me an hour ago and told me that her boyfriend is there too so I asked
06:39him why he is still there when she clearly has a ride and a support system.
06:44He says that she just asked him to be there and he wanted to be there for her.
06:49Well, he just called me again 10 minutes ago and tells me that she is in recovery and asked
06:54him not to leave.
06:55I told him that I really needed his help and that ever since his mother has popped back
07:00up, he's been MIA and I feel like I'm doing everything alone.
07:04He told me he's sorry I feel that way and that he wants to be home with us but his mother
07:09needs him.
07:10I guess something inside me just broke when he said that.
07:14Because I'm telling him I need him and his mom needing him is more important.
07:18So I told him if he didn't come home I was done.
07:21I would file for divorce.
07:23I'm not playing second to a mother who ditched her kids off 17 years ago and has seen them
07:28all of twice since.
07:30Me needing his help is more important than his mother wanting him there when she already
07:34has support with her.
07:36He says are you ducking serious?
07:38And I just hung up.
07:40I hardly see this man anymore because of this woman and I don't want to live a life like
07:44this anymore, even though it's only been a month and a half since this started happening.
07:50The hospital is only 15 minutes from us so if he's not back in 30 minutes, I'm packing
07:55my stuff.
07:56ETA, I own a property that I rent out for Airbnb.
08:01That's where I will be going.
08:02No, I don't have a support system.
08:05I grew up in foster care.
08:07My biological mother died during childbirth and my dad didn't want me.
08:12I was never adopted out.
08:14My best friend moved two years ago.
08:17It's just me, and used to be my husband.
08:20ETA, on my way to the Airbnb now.
08:23The last phone call I received was him telling me his mother would be discharged within the
08:28hour and he would be home after dropping her off.
08:31Her boyfriend, who lives with her, is still at the hospital.
08:35He could drive her.
08:37But mommy wants her precious son too.
08:39So, I'm leaving.
08:41Thank you everyone who took the time to comment.
08:44I will update as the night progresses.
08:47Comment 1, NTA you are showing him how serious you are.
08:51Thank god you left.
08:52This man clearly has decided mom greater than wife plus baby.
08:56The fact your kid is so sick and you're struggling so much and he not only didn't take time to
09:01time off work but also abandoned you for his mom when she A, didn't tell him about
09:06the surgery beforehand and B, already had support is insane.
09:10Like, super duper insane.
09:13He needs to either start boundary enforcing hardcore or you need to be gone.
09:19You never would have married a man who treated you this way, much less had a kid with them.
09:24Maybe he needs to be in therapy to work through his trauma over being abandoned by his mom
09:28in a more healthy way than trying to get her to love him now.
09:33Comment 2, obviously you know how to take care of yourself and your baby.
09:38It's awful when your spouse shows you that his mommy means more to you than you and your
09:42child.
09:43My BF was in this situation with 3 kids and a husband who was never there for her and
09:48her kids.
09:49But mommy, anything for mommy.
09:52He's shown you who he is, a mommy's boy.
09:55I wish you and your baby well.
09:58Stay strong.
10:02My husband and I flew a 3.5 hours flight with our 3 months old and 2.5 years old recently.
10:09We were unable to buy seats together so I was in the middle aisle with baby and he was
10:13across the aisle of me with the aisle seat and the toddler in the middle.
10:18About an hour into the flight my husband gets up to pee while I'm nursing baby and as soon
10:22as he leaves the toddler crawls over to me.
10:25I try to get the toddler to sit on my lap but he causes baby to stop eating so baby
10:30is crying on me while I'm trying to hold the toddler and not disrupt the 2 people I'm sitting
10:35next to.
10:36Plus my husband got stuck behind the beverage cart so he could grab the toddler for 20 minutes.
10:42Later, my husband gets up to pee again while I'm feeding baby and same thing happens of
10:47trying to feed baby with a toddler on my lap.
10:50Ending up with a crying baby and a toddler in one middle seat.
10:55Back story, my husband pees a lot.
10:58I've worked with a pelvic floor therapist and told her how frequently he pees and she
11:02agrees it's too much and he should work with PT to avoid issues down the road.
11:08He says he doesn't need help and blames it on drinking lots of water.
11:12He does work a full time job in an office and does go hours without peeing when he has
11:17back to back calls so he's capable of holding it.
11:20He's never peed himself or had an accident.
11:23He did go to the urologist this year who ruled out any prostate or cancer.
11:29After the flight, I told my husband how hard it was to balance both boys and asked if he
11:34can just hold his pee.
11:36So many times I have to pee when I'm watching the boys but hold it until timing is better.
11:41He said he can't.
11:43Next, I asked if he could ask me before he pees and go when baby isn't nursing and I
11:48have 2 hands.
11:50He said no and he should be able to pee when he has to go.
11:54We have a full summer of flying ahead of us including a few international trips and I'm
11:59worried.
12:00Edit he gets annual physicals and is extremely healthy.
12:04No diabetes and all labs are WNL.
12:07He does ultra marathons and has never peed on himself during a long run.
12:12I only mentioned the PT because of a conversation we had.
12:16He said if you pee excessively, even if just out of habit, it can lead to problems down
12:21the road and recommended peeing only every 3-4 hours.
12:25Comment 1.
12:26I'm torn between NAR and NTA.
12:29On the one hand, if he has a medical problem causing him to pee and has no ability to hold
12:34it whatsoever, then obviously he should get to go when he needs, but you said that he
12:39refused help, so at this point he's choosing this problem.
12:43And it bothers me that it became a 20-minute case of him being absent due to the beverage
12:47cart and that both times he had to pee, you were feeding the baby and had your hands completely
12:53full.
12:54You were both in a difficult situation, but it sounds like the labor was not divided evenly
12:59and the consequences weren't either.
13:01He got his needs met, while you didn't, and left with all of the parental labor in your
13:05moments of highest overwhelm, while you're nursing.
13:09If he's unable to hold his pee for a few minutes, he needs a doctor.
13:13If he refuses a doctor, and continues to willingly put you in this situation, he's the R.
13:20Comment 2.
13:21Unfortunately this sounds like a case of poor planning on you and your husband's part regarding
13:27seating, and having already known your husband frequently uses the bathroom.
13:31For your international flights, choose seats together, and next to a restroom.
13:36Also, talk to him about drinking less a bit before and during the flight.
13:41Comment 3.
13:43Hand him both kids.
13:45Take 20 minutes to yourself elsewhere.
13:47Do this every time he abandons you for a medical need he refused to get handled, and let him
13:52know it will continue until he sees a doctor and gets treatment or develops an iota of
13:57courtesy.
13:59This is something I had to threaten my husband with early in our marriage, and turned out
14:03it saved his life.
14:06I, M40, have a blended family and a cousin, M34, on my step-parent's side who used to
14:14be close to me.
14:16However, due to him moving abroad and conflicts over an inheritance, we no longer talk these
14:21days.
14:22Recently, I've been receiving calls from various local and overseas relatives asking for financial
14:28help for my cousin.
14:30He has defaulted on his house payments and is more than six months behind on mortgage
14:35and loan repayments because his wife, native Chinese, convinced him to buy a house in Shanghai.
14:41He, ABC, by the way, had a good job in what should have been a stable company, but the
14:47virus F'd them hard, and he has never recovered.
14:50Apparently, it seems he got laid off eight months ago.
14:54When we were still talking, and he told me that he was going to buy this ludicrously
14:58expensive 2.8 million Chinese Yuan house, about 400k USD, that was basically a concrete
15:05box.
15:06I told him he was insane and would regret it for many reasons, but particularly because
15:11he would never actually own the place due to Chinese laws.
15:14Now, four years later, he still owes nearly 2 million Chinese Yuan on his mortgage since
15:20his payments have only been covering the interest, and near an additional 1 million Chinese Yuan
15:26loans for the decorations used to make that naked concrete box a place you can live in.
15:32I am a teacher in the US, and I don't earn enough money to own my own damn house, so
15:36how am I supposed to give someone else money to pay off theirs, when I warned them this
15:40would come back to bite them hard?
15:43In the Chinese real estate market, you are always just one bad day or one con man away
15:48from losing three generations of savings.
15:51This house was so expensive, for him, that it took up 70% of his monthly income just
15:56to pay the interest on the mortgage.
15:59Now, I am being harassed for his stupidity to help him out of this hole because I let
16:04on that I had a decent savings account.
16:07It's not house money, but I want to buy a new new car, something nice for once and not
16:12just new to me.
16:14Even my biological family is giving me grief about this.
16:17But I don't want to help.
16:20Will I be the a-hole if I don't help them?
16:22Edit, thanks for the comments and reassurance, Asian family guilt is a crazy WMD on its own.
16:29Yay so they are try and get everyone to donate to cousin.
16:33All of this is because one auntie overheard me talking about getting a new car and they
16:37all started circling like vultures, and the guilt has been reigning for days, comment
16:421.
16:43NTA at all.
16:45You warned him about that risky move, and now he's facing the consequences.
16:50It's not your responsibility to bail him out, especially when you have your own financial
16:54goals.
16:55It sucks that your family is pressuring you, but you gotta look out for yourself first.
17:01You worked hard for your savings, and it's okay to use them for what you want, like that
17:05new car.
17:07His decisions shouldn't guilt trip you into sacrificing your own dreams.
17:12Comment 2.
17:13Even taking the time to write this up was a waste of your time.
17:17This kind of thing should be immediately dismissed out of hand.
17:21Moreover, you didn't mention how much real estate prices have crashed in China over the
17:26last year.
17:27Your cousin probably couldn't get half the price he paid for that box if he had to sell.
17:32This is why so many middle class Chinese families are now underwater in total assets, and aren't
17:38spending any money, along with the stock market crash and the zero covid policies draining
17:43everyone's cash.
17:45I wouldn't send a dime to China to help prop up the CCP.
17:49NTA.
17:51Comment 3.
17:52NTA.
17:54This whole cultural thing where family members get to claim your money is insane.
17:59You put it perfectly, you're a teacher who can't afford your own house.
18:03Stick to your position.
18:05I can't afford to support another household since I can't even afford a house myself.
18:10I warned cousin about buying this house.
18:13This wasn't my choice and I can't fix this.