Telling my husband that his mom deserves nothing if he were to die in an accident
Telling my husband that his mom deserves nothing if he were to die in an accident
Transcript
00:00Recently, my husband has been talking about taking out a life insurance policy.
00:05I am in favor of this as we have a baby and he is pursuing a career as a pilot.
00:09This weekend he walked into our bedroom and said that he had researched a policy he'd
00:14like to get for $3 million.
00:17He then says, I think I'll set it up so half is for you and half for my mom.
00:21I am American.
00:23He is Cuban.
00:24His mother and the rest of his family currently live in Latin American.
00:29They do okay for themselves, but the standard of living is a bit different from the U.S.,
00:33though not crazy.
00:34She's not happy there and we've been trying to sponsor her to come to the U.S.
00:39I like his mom and we have supported her in many ways such as paying for multiple trips
00:44to Cuba, paying to send suitcases slash parcels with clothes slash shoes to them, cash gifts
00:50when we visit, etc.
00:52When he says this about splitting the life insurance policy, something in my gut felt
00:57weird.
00:58I think it showed on my face because he asked me and I said that it seemed odd to me.
01:02That it seemed like these kind of legal slash financial things should be set up for our
01:06small family and that I would not just leave his family hanging if anything were to happen.
01:12He was defensive, asking why I didn't want his mom to get anything.
01:16I wasn't saying that, but I didn't really have words to explain what I was feeling.
01:21I was clear that of course I would want his mom to receive funds if something so tragic
01:25happened but that it seemed like legally this policy should be set up for me and our
01:30kid plus future kids.
01:32Round and round we went.
01:34My logic, say he passes away in an accident in 20 years, we have 3 kids, his mom is still
01:40alive and pushing 80.
01:431.5 million is excessive for someone of her age and lifestyle.
01:47For this example it gets split evenly between the 3 kids.
01:51A lot of money, but obviously you can't do as much with 500k as you can with 1.5 million.
01:57I think it's logical to say that cost of life and living for an elderly women versus for
02:02a young family of 4 is very different and that different quantities of money should
02:06be allocated because of this.
02:09Also I want to be part of this decision.
02:11Him waltzing in and telling me what he's going to do doesn't fly with me, especially as we
02:16are equal earners in our home and share finances so I am paying for half of this policy.
02:21His logic, I should think of it as 2 separate policies, 1.5 for his family, 1.5 for me and
02:28our kids.
02:29That our kids will get 500k which is a lot of money.
02:33That 500k is better than nothing and isn't it good enough that he's thinking of us and
02:38setting us up for a good life?
02:40He continuously accuses me of not wanting his mom to get any money.
02:44He also called me selfish, implying that I just wanted more money for myself.
02:49He says of course his mom would share this money with the rest of his family, dad, sister
02:54and nephews.
02:56I don't have great words for how I feel.
02:58It just doesn't feel normal to me.
03:00Comment 1.
03:01NTA, and it's absurd that he called you selfish.
03:05Imagine, god forbid, that he passed away not 20 years from now, but while your kids are
03:10still young.
03:12You would be alone raising those kids.
03:15If you got sick, or one of the kids got sick, you could end up not being able to work for
03:20an unknown amount of time.
03:22Even without that, kids are expensive to raise.
03:25Childcare is expensive.
03:27You'd be paying for a house purchased with the assumption of two incomes.
03:31Do the two of you plan to help your kids with college-slash-trade-school-slash-just-starting-out-in-life?
03:38Do you plan to give them something for a wedding or first home?
03:41Would he want to be able to secure that in case he's not able to be there?
03:46This should absolutely be a conversation between the two of you.
03:50Comment 2.
03:51NTA.
03:52If you are paying half of the policy you should have more of a say on how it is spent.
03:57I also think it is weird that he is treating it like an even split, it is not in any way
04:02equal.
04:04As you point out, she is one person while you are part of a growing family.
04:08She will be taking care of herself while you will be taking care of your children,
04:12their education, and potentially their own little families as they grow up.
04:17Also, while it is nice that he feels responsible to repay his mother for all she has done for
04:22him, you are doing so much more than her at this point of his life, and for the rest of
04:26his life.
04:28Comment 3.
04:29NTA.
04:30I don't have a problem with him including his family, however, I don't think it should
04:35be a 50-50 split.
04:37It should be something like this, after your mortgage is paid off using the bulk of the
04:41money, any remaining funds from the insurance is split 20% to you, 60% shared amongst the
04:47kids, and the remaining 20% goes to support his side of the family.
04:52Comment 4.
04:54I, 23F, recently found out I'm pregnant with my, 25M, boyfriend Andrew's child.
05:02We have been dating for 3 years and our relationship is pretty good.
05:06We both want children eventually though we plan to have them later after we're a bit
05:10more established in our careers.
05:13The pregnancy came as a surprise since we're pretty safe with sex, we use condoms and I'm
05:18on birth control, I guess we were just unlucky.
05:21Initially we considered aborting or placing the baby for adoption but decided to keep
05:26it.
05:27I graduated college last year and have a job that pays okay money with the possibility
05:32of future promotions and raises.
05:34My boyfriend works as an electrician and also makes good money so with both of our
05:39incomes we should be able to afford the baby.
05:42A couple days after we decided we were keeping our child, Andrew told me that he wanted me
05:47to be a Zahm.
05:48He said that he believed that having a Zahm was better for the baby, that he was raised
05:53by a Zahm and loved it and he wanted to give our child that same life.
05:57He said that he had been talking with his boss who agreed to give him a raise.
06:02And he said with that raise plus working occasional overtime he would be able to afford
06:06to pay our rent, bills, groceries and the costs for our baby.
06:11He a slow said he would marry me so I would have extra sequirty.
06:16I admit I burst out laughing when he suggested this.
06:19It's just insane to me.
06:21Sure we might be able to afford me being a Zahm, but it would require buggeting every
06:26penny he made.
06:27I also just graduated, does he really think I went to college for 4 years just to be a
06:32Zahm and spend my days doing his laundry and cooking his meals?
06:36Also what if he gets sick or dies?
06:39Also I'm the first person in my entire family to earn my degree.
06:43My parents were immigrants and both had elementary school level education.
06:48I'm very proud of my education and career, this is something he knows as I've told him
06:52so I'm surprised he would ever suggest this.
06:55I could tell he was upset and hurt by my reaction but he accepted my decision without arguing.
07:01I was talking about this to one of my friends, and she told me that it was mean of me to
07:06laugh.
07:07That Andrew was offering to care for me and my baby and I responded by mocking him.
07:12I didn't mean it to come that way, just that his suggestion to me anyway was so insane
07:17and stupid that I couldn't help it.
07:20So, comment 1.
07:22The fact that he would need overtime after the raise to make it work means it doesn't
07:26work.
07:27Even if you were a Zahm, don't ever rely exclusively on the words slash promises of anyone else
07:33to provide for you.
07:34Plenty can attest to how that has left them vulnerable.
07:38Definitely NTA.
07:40Comment 2.
07:42Also if he's working overtime like that then he's going to have a much less involved role
07:46in his child's life.
07:48He may be able to provide for them by working himself into an early grave but it'll be at
07:53the cost of him truly knowing his child.
07:56Comment 3.
07:57NTA, we all react in different things, especially if we're hit with something that sounds absurd
08:03to us.
08:04What he wants could possibly be seen as an immediately valiant sort of gesture, but it
08:09doesn't work for everyone, nor should it be the norm.
08:12With rising prices all the time, it's hard enough being able to afford two people on
08:17one income, let alone three.
08:20And you fought tooth and nail to reach your goals.
08:23To just be told that you should immediately throw that away would also put me on edge.
08:28Perhaps try to reassure him that you never once thought about being a Zahm because of
08:32the reasons you listed above, also because you want a partnership in making money slash
08:37raising your child together, and would want him to have plenty of time being in your child's
08:42life together instead of forcing him to work constantly.
08:46Hopefully that can sort of heal whatever bruised ego he may have received from your laughter.
08:53I, 14F, have been getting really into cooking lately, and I decided that I wanted to cook
08:59a nice meal for my family as a treat.
09:02I bought all the ingredients with my own money and started on the dinner.
09:06It came out amazing, braised pork and lime tacos, homemade salsa, and a cool strawberry
09:12fresca drink.
09:13My stepsister, 8F, didn't even try my food before she decided it was gross.
09:19She told me the food looked bad and that she wanted something else.
09:23I was hurt because I had worked hard on the meal and was proud of it.
09:27I asked her to try a bite, but my stepdad intervened and said that she didn't have to
09:32if she didn't want to.
09:34She again demanded that I make her something else, and my stepdad asked me to go make her
09:39a meal.
09:40I was going to refuse but decided to not stir the pot and so I got up and made her a grilled
09:45cheese.
09:46When I put the plate down, my stepsister looked happy, but my stepdad complained that the
09:51meal was unhealthy and that I needed to make her something more nutritious.
09:56This made me really upset because I was not the family's personal chef, and especially
10:01not for his picky daughter.
10:03Her nutrition was not my responsibility, and that I had no obligation to make her anything
10:08in the first place.
10:10I told him all of this, and my stepdad chastised me for arguing at the table.
10:15He sighed traumatically and got up to make his daughter something else, making himself
10:19look like the victim.
10:21I'm upset because now everyone thinks I'm in the wrong for refusing to do it, even though
10:26cooking anyone's dinner wasn't my responsibility, and especially not cooking my picky stepsister
10:31a third meal.
10:32Comment 1.
10:34Your stepdad sounds like a real piece of work.
10:37He's definitely TA of this story.
10:40God forbid he enjoy a free meal prepared for him that sounds pretty great.
10:45And then being all indignant when you scoff at having to make another meal, and then just
10:49being a jackass not healthy enough.
10:51He should pick up a pan himself.
10:54What a ridiculous jerk.
10:56The fault of this evening going to crap lays entirely with him.
11:00As far as your stepsister goes... well.
11:03Not knowing what her normal behavior is like, she doesn't sound that dissimilar to any other
11:08eight-year-old.
11:09Who isn't picky at eight?
11:11I would have asked for a PBJ when I was eight.
11:15So NTA.
11:17Comment 2.
11:19NTA.
11:20Where is your mom in this?
11:22She needs to have your back and tell your stepdad this isn't a restaurant, his daughter
11:26either eats what she's served or he can make her something.
11:30He's also enabling her bad behavior by saying she doesn't even have to try it.
11:35My mom always made me take at least a bite of something as a kid.
11:39I didn't have to like it, but I had to try it.
11:42It's very sweet of you to make your family a nice dinner, however, if they're not appreciative,
11:47don't do it again.
11:49Your stepsister sounds like a brat.
11:52Comment 3.
11:53NTA.
11:55It isn't your job to feed his kid.
11:57I always stand by the concept of if you want to see it on the table, make it yourself.
12:02Otherwise, eat what you are given and keep your mouth shut.
12:06Either he can provide food for his kid, she can shut her face and eat what you made, or
12:11she can learn to make her own.
12:13Eight isn't too young to put together a PB&J or a turkey sandwich for herself.
12:21Today my friend, F25, texted our group chat, mentioning offhand that her boyfriend is at
12:27the pharmacy to buy her an emergency contraceptive pill.
12:31We live in a Canadian province, edit, it's Quebec, people.
12:36Look it up before confidently and wrongly refuting this, where Plan B isn't available
12:40over the counter and must be prescribed, pharmacist is authorized to write this prescription,
12:46so it's still accessible, but this means the woman must be the one who goes to the pharmacy
12:50to get it.
12:51Cis men therefore cannot buy Plan B here.
12:54I let my friend know about this information and she immediately panicked because she doesn't
12:59have enough money for Plan B herself.
13:02Why it didn't occur to her that it would be the same if her boyfriend just sent her
13:06money?
13:07I don't know.
13:08She asked me how much Plan B is.
13:11I told her it's around $40 without insurance, but if you're covered by provincial insurance,
13:17like me, it's around $23.
13:20My other friend in the group chat offered to go to the pharmacy for her and claim the
13:24Plan B was for her to save money because other friend is covered by the insurance.
13:29They agreed on that plan.
13:31That's when it occurred to me that Plan B is less effective for larger people, and larger
13:36women need to take two or sometimes even three.
13:39The friend who offered to go to the pharmacy can't be more than £110 so would definitely
13:45only be able to get a prescription for one.
13:48The friend who actually needs the pill is at least £200.
13:52My larger friend is very self-conscious about her weight and teeters between being in denial
13:57about it and constantly putting herself down for it.
14:01I texted the group chat the amount they prescribe will depend specifically on who goes in for
14:05the prescription.
14:07That confused both of them, so I responded again and said it depends on weight.
14:12Neither of them interacted with the group chat for a while.
14:16The skinnier friend called me to let me know I really hurt the larger friend.
14:21Update, for anyone wondering about the weight-slash-dosage thing, I can't believe it's become such a
14:26heated debate in the comments.
14:28She ended up texting me after going to the pharmacy herself where she was given a different
14:32pill from normal prescribed because of her weight.
14:35So it's not necessarily two pills, it's just a different stronger pill I'm guessing.
14:41Her boyfriend did pay for it.
14:43After she realized I was right about weight being a factor she realized I wasn't trying
14:47to be mean and was genuinely relaying information.
14:51All resolved, comment 1.
14:54NTA.
14:55You didn't actually comment on your friend's weight, you commented on requirements for
14:59the prescription.
15:01It might hurt your friend who is self-conscious about it, but it's not your actions she's
15:05truly being hurt by, she's just blaming you because you were the one who brought it up.
15:10You said it in a very neutral way, you're all good.
15:14Comment 2.
15:15NTA.
15:16I can't think of too many situations in which it's okay to bring up weight, but that is
15:21certainly one of them.
15:23Would she rather have an unwanted pregnancy because the meds weren't effective or have
15:27you not forewarn her about this?
15:29Maybe tell your friend privately that you didn't mean any harm and that you were concerned
15:34the medication wouldn't be effective because it is prescribed by weight.