refusing to cancel my bachelorette party and saying our wedding savings is my fiance's problem
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00:00I, 26F, am currently engaged to my fiancé, 28M, and we're supposed to get married in
00:07two months.
00:08We've been saving up for our wedding and honeymoon for the past year, putting aside
00:12a significant portion of our income to make our special day perfect.
00:16We had about $10k saved in the account.
00:19This weekend, my fiancé had his bachelor party, and I was totally okay with him having
00:24a good time.
00:26I even helped plan it and made sure everything was organized so he could enjoy himself with
00:31his friends.
00:32Fast forward to this morning, and I wake up to find that our joint savings account has
00:36been completely drained.
00:38He spent all our savings on his bachelor party.
00:41When I confronted him, he said he got carried away and didn't realize how much he was spending.
00:47He admitted that he paid for his friends' expenses too, thinking it would be a great
00:52last hurrah before we tied the knot.
00:54I was furious but tried to keep my cool.
00:57I told him that he needed to figure out how to replenish the savings because we still
01:01had wedding expenses to cover, and blew up about, how could he spend $10k over two days?
01:08This weekend is my bachelorette party, which has been planned for months.
01:12My four best friends have already paid for their share, and I've budgeted carefully
01:16so that it wouldn't affect our savings.
01:19We're going to a Michelin star restaurant in our city, renting an Airbnb, going for
01:24brunch in the morning at one of my favorite restaurants the next day.
01:28And I rented out an arcade in our city with unlimited tokens, and bought a ton of junk
01:32food and candy for all of us to share.
01:35Altogether it was less than $400 a person, including the price of the restaurant, Airbnb,
01:42arcade rental, brunch, and Ubers with myself spending $1.5k of my personal savings.
01:49But now my fiancé is demanding that I cancel my weekend to show solidarity and help us
01:55save money.
01:56He says it's only fair since he made a mistake, and we need to cut back on expenses to recover
02:01from his spending spree.
02:03I refuse to cancel my bachelorette party because 1.
02:07I didn't blow our savings, he did, and 2.
02:10My friends have already paid for their share, and I don't want to let them down.
02:15He's now calling me selfish and saying I'm not being supportive of our future together.
02:20He's even gotten some of his friends and family involved, who are siding with him and saying
02:25that I should be more understanding and cancel my bachelorette weekend.
02:29I get that we're in a tough spot financially now, but I don't think it's fair that I should
02:33have to cancel my plans because of his irresponsible behavior.
02:37I suggested that he could maybe sell some of the stuff he bought during the party or
02:41pick up extra work to make up for it, and that it is not my problem he blew all the
02:45money, but he says I'm being unreasonable.
02:49Comment 1.
02:50NTA but how many red flags do you need before you leave him?
02:54See if you can figure out how much of the money in that savings you contributed, and
02:58then give him a date, he has to pay you back for it and leave this relationship.
03:03You spending 1.5k of your personal savings is nothing compared to him spending 10k on
03:08one night for him, and his buddies are not financially compatible, and you'll be so much
03:13better off without him.
03:15Comment 2.
03:16You have it already saved, and it's only $400 each, turn it into an I dodged a bullet party
03:22and toss the bum to the side.
03:24He blew 10 grand and didn't think a thing of it, but expects you to cancel a $400 party
03:30you have the money for.
03:32What is this solidarity of which he speaks?
03:34What other little flaws have you been overlooking?
03:37This is not the man of your dreams and the answer to all your problems, this is a ticking
03:41time bomb you need to run away from.
03:44Comment 3.
03:45NTA oh honey, your fiancé is off the charts selfish and immature, I don't want to say
03:50you shouldn't marry him, but this is a taste of what your married life would be like, he
03:54messed up big time and his solution is to punish you for it, then call in reinforcements
03:59when you stand up for yourself.
04:01I've lived with my husband for 42 years, and trust me when I say that there are pitfalls
04:06in every marriage and every life, if this is how he behaves at the time in your lives
04:10when love is in full bloom, imagine how he'll be during one of those pitfalls, good luck.
04:19My 26M brother, 28M, is getting married this fall.
04:25He has always been my parents' favorite without a doubt while I got the short end of the stick.
04:31Not pouting but just stating the obvious.
04:34My parents are using the last of their retirement savings to pay for this wedding before they
04:38sell the house and downsize to a much smaller place.
04:42My brother wants a lot for his wedding roughly estimated it's costing him about $80,000.
04:48My brother is a lawyer practicing as a public defender making about $75,000 a year.
04:54And has about $7,000 total saved up, not a typo 7,000 of 80,000.
05:00I know how to save money and have close to $150,000 saved up.
05:06My family is all chipping in as much as they can and it's all adding up to about $24,000.
05:12The bride's side of the family said they're chipping in half the total cost for the wedding
05:16so $40,000.
05:19They have $64,000 combined and are trying to find $16,000 when they turn to me.
05:25I told them straight up I'm not giving them money but I can loan it to them.
05:30No interest just pay me back $16,000 at the end of three years.
05:35I tried to give them multiple opportunities to take it and let them know I would not just
05:39give them money.
05:41My brothers considering uninviting me from the wedding and my parents have been blowing
05:45up my phone with messages and calls.
05:48After a few weeks of stewing in it and realizing he wasn't going to be able to find the money
05:53elsewhere and with his credit history a personal loan without a 10 to 12% interest rate is
05:59impossible he came back to me and asked for the loan.
06:02We hugged it out and talked about it and about three hours later I printed up a little contract
06:07that says I would either be paid back in full at the end of three years from this date or
06:12that I could take monthly or yearly installments however he wants it to be paid.
06:17When I busted out the contract he got upset saying I don't have faith in him.
06:21I don't.
06:23He's defaulted on two car loans and his credit score is around the 470s last time he checked
06:29He has $300,000 worth of student loan debt from undergrad and law school and I know he's
06:36not smart with his money so I wanted it in writing.
06:39That apparently was the final straw.
06:42I am officially uninvited and have been asked not to contact him or my parents ever again.
06:48The truth is I'll say I'm sorry and admit when I'm wrong but am I wrong asking for a
06:52contract for $16,000?
06:55That's a lot of money.
06:57I'm not saying I'm going to sue him the day after the loan window expires for the amount
07:01but I want some sort of receipt saying that he owes me back for this.
07:05So, comment 1, I don't understand this siblings being expected to pay for weddings.
07:11When did this happen?
07:12Also, don't give or loan him any money, even with a contract.
07:17You just have to sue him eventually to get it back and it will just cause even more drama
07:22and strife when the time comes.
07:25Give yourselves the headaches and just say no now.
07:28Comment 2, NTA, people who can't afford a fancy wedding shouldn't have a fancy wedding.
07:35I will never understand why people want to spend so much money on one day when they could
07:39use that money to buy a house.
07:42Some of the best weddings I've been to are the simple, heartfelt weddings.
07:46You don't owe your brother that money.
07:48I guess you could give some of the money to them as a gift and the rest as a loan, but
07:52it sounds like you are smart to draw up a contract for it.
07:56Otherwise, you will never see the money again.
08:00Comment 3, I'm baffled that people are just handing this couple such large amounts of
08:05money for a wedding they can't afford.
08:07I know every couple has their dreams for their wedding day but if you have $80,000 taste
08:12and $7,000 saved, it's time to rethink things.
08:16I'd be ashamed to take my parents' retirement money for something like this.
08:21Comment 4, NTA, in my opinion, he's being ridiculous and lost his chance by balking
08:26at the contract.
08:28As a lawyer he should know better.
08:30It's pretty common knowledge that people who intend to pay a debt won't have an issue with
08:34an agreement to do just that.
08:37He proved you right.
08:38I'm sorry your family is putting money over you but maybe you're better off in the long
08:42run.
08:44I, 45F, am in a difficult situation with my nephew, 25M, and my family, and I need
08:53some perspective as I simply feel terrible about this whole situation.
08:58Last year, my nephew lost his job and couldn't afford to stay with his friends anymore.
09:04Having helped raise him and having such a deep connection, I decided to help him out.
09:08I had recently bought a house over the summer to rent out, so I let him stay there until
09:13he could get back on his feet.
09:15I also gave him $3,000 to help with living expenses and such.
09:20A few months later, he landed a job at a major tech firm, and during Thanksgiving, he bragged
09:26that his starting salary was almost as much as I've been making after 10 years in my current
09:31job.
09:32I was naturally very enthused for him and extremely proud.
09:36I decided after the holidays it was time for him to move on and get a place and start paying
09:42rent.
09:43As spring rolled around, I urged him to find another place to live or start paying me.
09:48I also told him we could forget the $3,000 and just move on.
09:52He refused, getting really upset and saying it was convenient for him to stay since it
09:57was close to his new job and that he was not in a financial situation to be paying rent
10:02right now.
10:03Which confused me, as I previously stated he was bragging about his salary.
10:08I then offered to let him rent the property for a little more than the mortgage, which
10:12was less than what I planned to charge other tenants.
10:15He refused and has barely spoken to me since.
10:19I really struggled, but my family insisted that I give him a 30-day notice to vacate
10:24the property, which I had notarized.
10:26He ignored it.
10:28I then started to talk about eviction.
10:30We got into another argument when I got to repainting the house, with notice, because
10:35he had scuffed up the walls, he kicked over my paint cans, ruining the carpet.
10:40I had no choice but to file for eviction, it was all simply to straining.
10:45I had some valuables and furniture I had stored in the crawl space I'd been too afraid to
10:50move due to the tension.
10:52I found that he sold my retro games and consoles, two paintings, my dining set, and a few other
10:58things through a camera on my property.
11:01I called the police to file a report.
11:04He came home during this completely out of his mind.
11:07They found ketamine in his system and paraphernalia and he is now facing jail time for the possession
11:13but also DUI.
11:15My family is now furious with me, blaming me for ruining his life.
11:19His parents won't talk to me, and they claim I knew he was high when I called the police
11:24when he hadn't even came home yet.
11:27They said I should have called them before the police to settle it.
11:30I feel like I did everything I could to help him until he crossed too many lines.
11:35I just am so stressed and guilt-ridden, I just need to hear some opinions.
11:40Comment 1, N.T.A.
11:42You went above and beyond to support your nephew, offering him a place to stay and money
11:46to get back on his feet.
11:49Despite your generosity, he took advantage of you, refused to pay rent, and even sold
11:54your things.
11:55Calling the police was 100% understandable.
11:59His future legal troubles are the result of his own actions, not yours.
12:04You did what you had to do in a very tough situation.
12:07Don't feel guilty for making the decision you did.
12:10You're well within your rights, he is a grown man, and not your reasonability.
12:15Don't let your family make you think otherwise.
12:18Do the parents know the whole story?
12:21They're extremely entitled and it makes sense where he gets this behavior from if so.
12:26Comment 2, N.T.A. at all.
12:30You already went way farther than most people would to help.
12:33You are not responsible for controlling their life.
12:37You did so much to try and help them but ultimately people have to be willing to help themselves
12:41first.
12:42Hopefully your nephew can get the help they need to recover from this situation.
12:47But you did what you could and ultimately they were hurting you in this situation and
12:51it's always okay to take care of yourself.
12:54I understand your family's frustration but it's easy for them to say when they're not
12:58the ones being hurt.
13:03My 24F fiancé, 25M, has ADHD and has a difficult keeping a schedule which often results in
13:11him sleeping past his alarm.
13:13Today he was supposed to catch the bus at 7.30 AM but missed it.
13:18I work shift work and had just finished my third 12-hour night shift in a row.
13:23My commute home is about 45 minutes, so I got home just before 8 AM, and woke up my
13:29fiancé upon entry.
13:31He was upset with himself right away as he usually is when he sleeps in.
13:36We've had this issue in the past and I've previously told him that if he really needed
13:40a ride to the train station, I would prefer to pick him up at the front door.
13:44We live in an apartment because once I'm parked in the garage and make it upstairs I'm tired
13:49and prefer not to leave again at this point, which I've still done in the past for him.
13:54I would say I probably drive him at least once every two weeks when he's late.
13:59He asked me if I'd drive him to the train station today, which would save him a 30-minute
14:04walk for his already long 1.5-hours commute, but I declined.
14:08I was hesitant at first, but decided that I deserve to put myself first.
14:14He seemed upset, and did make a comment saying I better see you in bed in two minutes then,
14:19but eventually went on his way.
14:21Approx. 30 minutes later, he texted me saying that he knows it wasn't good timing but that
14:26he really could've used the drive today.
14:29Later today he called and I expressed to him how I was upset by this.
14:34He said he was also upset because I wasn't there for him when he needed me and that he
14:38would've done it for me if the roles were reversed, and that he was scared there was
14:42a limit to how much he could lean on me.
14:45Also that he hopes I'm happy that I got what I wanted and for me to enjoy my extra 30 minutes
14:50of sleep.
14:51To be fair, I'm not working today, so I'm able to sleep in later and it would've only
14:56taken me about 30 minutes in total.
14:59I feel a bit guilty as realistically it wouldn't have been that much of a burden to drive him
15:04and it means it would help him out a lot.
15:07I know he's been having a rough time lately and worked 7 days this week, and is already
15:12angry with himself as is.
15:14Comment 1, NTA you were exhausted and just wanted to sleep.
15:18Sure, driving him in would've helped him a lot, but this a recurring pattern, and if
15:23you don't like being the one responsible to help every time, it would be a good idea to
15:27think of better situation to fix this.
15:30More alarms in the house?
15:32Ones that you have to physically get out of bed to snooze slash turn off?
15:36Find a situation that works for your partner.
15:39It is okay to feel guilty about it btw. and it is okay to feel angry.
15:45Hope my advice helps.
15:47Comment 2, NTA.
15:50It's not your responsibility to get him to the bus on time.
15:54It's his responsibility, and it's his responsibility to figure out how to get there if he's late.
16:00You might every so often, very occasionally, maybe once a year, give him a lift as a very
16:05special favor.
16:07But he has started counting on you to do it every time.
16:10He has built oh she'll drive me if I'm late into his plans.
16:14Refusing makes it much more likely that he won't sleep through his alarm next time.
16:20Comment 3, NTA.
16:23When he says you weren't there for him when he needed you, what he's really saying is,
16:27you weren't there for me when I needed you to save me from the preventable consequences
16:31of my own actions.
16:33My guess is that, more than once, he has intentionally slept in with the plan B of you driving him
16:38to the station.
16:39Good for you for clearly communicating that this is no longer an option.
16:44You deserve your sleep, too.