turning a family argument into a massive situation that now involves theft
turning a family argument into a massive situation that now involves theft
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00:00I, 20M, come from a shut show of a family. One of my uncles is a raging narcissist, but
00:06everyone still talks to him unfortunately. I will call him Frank. Yesterday, we had a
00:11small family dinner since it's my grandmother's birthday. Frank and his wife Sarah are awful
00:16to Frank's daughter from his first marriage, Clara, 18F. I would never stop if I explained
00:22it all, but all you need to know is that Clara is innocent. They hate her for no reason.
00:28Frank hosted a family dinner yesterday and they were trying to use Clara as a servant.
00:33She had already cooked most of the food and they were trying to make her clean up. She
00:37had enough and called her stepbrother, her stepdad's son, to collect her. I've met
00:43her stepbrother a few times and he's a very nice guy, but he does not mess around about
00:48his sisters, Clara included. He used to have major anger issues, but he's calmer nowadays.
00:54Her stepbrother arrived and Frank said that he wasn't going to let Clara leave until
00:59she washed all the dishes. Other cousins offered to help, but he said that since she made all
01:04the dishes because she did all the cooking, she had to wash them. He then hid her shoes
01:10and phone so she couldn't leave. For the first time ever, my mother and other elders
01:16were standing up to him and demanding that he let her go home, but he wasn't budging.
01:21An argument started, you know the type where all the kids are cleared out of the room.
01:26Clara started crying and was just going to do the dishes, but I was like no, no way.
01:31I went outside to her stepbrother's car and turns out one of Clara's cousins from her
01:35mom's side was also there with him. They asked what was taking so long and I informed
01:41them of the situation. This is where I might be the asshole since I knew these two would
01:45go in the house and get Clara out by any means necessary. I let them in and all I
01:51can say is that Clara's shoes and phone were returned immediately. I stayed outside
01:56and I am not lying when I say that those men shouted so loudly the windows were shaking.
02:01Her stepbrother and cousin also then took a pair of Frank's shoes, TV remote, and
02:06a few other things just because they could. Now everyone is mad at me. My mother is saying
02:12I was an AH because they were trying to get the situation sorted which is true. That was
02:16the first time I saw anyone stand up to Frank. She said now that I got Clara's maternal
02:22family involved, things are a million times worse. Clara's older brother, not the stepbrother,
02:28who is also Frank's son who couldn't make it to the family dinner, has completely disowned
02:33his father and is refusing to return a car and lawnmower he borrowed. They are demanding
02:38I apologize to Frank and that I also ensure his belongings are returned to him. I don't
02:44think I am an AH because it's his fault he refused to let Clara go, but my sister told
02:48me to post here.
02:50Comment 1. NTA it sounds like even though they were finally standing up to Frank that
02:55he wasn't listening. You involved the only people he'd have no choice to listen to.
03:01The adults should have been standing up for Clara all along. They missed any opportunity
03:06that he'd ever listen to them. They stood back watching and enabling Frank for too long.
03:12It's their fault that things escalated to the point they did. If you apologize to Frank
03:17then you are no better than all the other adults in your family validating Frank's and
03:22his wife's actions. If Frank wants his things back then he can get them himself. The only
03:27AHs are the adults who watched a child be abused for years and continued to let it happen,
03:33comments included.
03:35Comment 2. NTA it sounds like even though they were finally standing up to Frank that
03:41he wasn't listening. You involved the only people he'd have no choice to listen to. The
03:46adults should have been standing up for Clara all along. They missed any opportunity that
03:51he'd ever listen to them. They stood back watching and enabling Frank for too long.
03:57It's their fault that things escalated to the point they did. If you apologize to Frank
04:02then you are no better than all the other adults in your family validating Frank's and
04:07his wife's actions. If Frank wants his things back then he can get them himself. The only
04:13AHs are the adults who watched a child be abused for years and continued to let it happen,
04:18parents included.
04:20Comment 3. NTA. Clara's maternal family and you looked out for her safety and welfare.
04:28Do not apologize to Frank. If he wants his shit back, he can ask for it from those who
04:33have them. If your mother thinks that you standing up for Clara made things worse, I'd
04:38be rethinking if she would stand up for me against Frank. And then proceed accordingly.
04:47My husband and I have 5 children together. Our last baby was born 5 weeks ago. We chose
04:53to give our first four kids names inspired by their grandparents, our parents. Their
04:59names are not directly the same name as our parents but inspired by the person. Summer
05:05for our oldest, for my mom, whose name meant summer and was a summer baby, which our daughter
05:10is also. Robin for our second, for my Phil, it's a play on his name and robins are his
05:16favorite birds. Luca for our third, for my Mill who always loved that name but felt it
05:22was similar to hers and didn't want to do that cuz she loves the name for a girl. Phoenix
05:28for our fourth child, for my dad and has a nickname in common with my dad's name and
05:33my dad always found Phoenix's cool lol. For our youngest we ended up with a name inspired
05:39by my grandma and my husband's grandma. They had the same first name, sort of, both used
05:45the same name but one had a longer more formal name while the other had it as their given
05:50name, which made it easier. My grandma was the woman I saw in a motherly capacity after
05:55my mom died while I was young so honoring her was special to me. But we wanted to give
06:00our kids their own names hence the way we chose to honor. The choice for our youngest
06:06child's name was controversial with my stepmother. She and my dad met when I was eight, married
06:12when I was twelve and my mom died when I was six for context. She saw me as her daughter
06:17for a long time but stopped seeing me that way mostly, when she realized I didn't return
06:22her affection in that way, because while I like her enough, I don't regard her as my
06:26mother figure and never ever considered calling her mom. I never considered honoring her with
06:32one of my kid's names. But this has upset her given our youngest's name. Also the fact
06:38she has two kids with my father but both are disabled and won't be having their own children
06:43so she doesn't get to experience it like my dad did. She told me all of this and she
06:48expressed that she feels like I was disrespectful to her and her efforts to be a mother to me,
06:53efforts I always rejected but she feels I should have shown love and appreciation for
06:57in the naming of my children when all other parents were honored. Comment 1, Natar for
07:02not naming your kid after her. But you should reconsider how much effort you put into the
07:07relationship and try to put in more. She clearly cares about you a lot. And you even
07:13remark how you don't put as much in. She's not your mom, she'll never be your mom, but
07:19she has been in your life for 20 years and for major life moments. How do your other
07:24kids refer to her? Comment 2. I'm just sitting at nah. Nto would imply that your step mom
07:32is an a-hole, and I'm just not getting that vibe. In your description, you don't describe
07:37her as anything but a decent person who tried to be some sort of mother figure. More importantly,
07:43you don't describe her as someone who was wanting to erase your mother and step in as
07:47if nothing happened, declaring I am your mother now. She sees all the grandparents being honored,
07:54and she views these kids as her grandkids. This is all not to say you're the a-hole either,
07:59i.e. nah. You name your kids how you name your kids, and based on what you wrote it's not like
08:05you named the youngest honoring you and your husband's grandparents simply to spite stepmother.
08:10I can understand her being hurt, and I can see your reasoning for naming your kids how you named
08:16them. So for some context, my sister, 25 years old, and I, 23 years old, both live together
08:27under our dad's roof. My sister has 3 kids. A 7 month baby, a 4 years old and a 6 years old. The
08:36two kids have a different dad than the baby that they both live with during the school year. My
08:41sister keeps them during the summer. This is a relatively new agreement, made around the time
08:47they finally filed for divorce around a half a year to a year ago. Basically long enough she
08:52should've come up with a plan but not long enough for her to have experience taking care of her two
08:57kids with her now having a job and a baby. She does have the baby in daycare, but as for her
09:03other two kids she cannot afford to put them in daycare or summer camp or what have you. Her
09:09schedule also conflicts with the daycare schedule meaning that she works Saturdays and the daycare
09:14is closed Saturday. Most of the time this means she's calling our dad to come get the baby and
09:20take care of her for a while. I am a Zahm, stay at home mom for the uninitiated. I basically run
09:27our household, I have an 18 month toddler I care for at home and my partner, who also lives with
09:32us, works a varied schedule. My dad works a varied schedule as well but both him and my partner do
09:39manual labor. Now, to the meat and potatoes. I'm getting stuck with babysitting duty for her two
09:46kids. We honestly tried to work things out but I told her I didn't want to care for them while she
09:52worked the entire summer because they're chaotic gremlins and I am a high strung individual as it
09:57is. The first week was a lot easier because of the varying schedule of my partner and father,
10:03plus we had family visiting, so they were always being watched slash entertained by someone.
10:08They need constant adult supervision or else they turn into Tasmanian devils. I told my sister that
10:15she needed to find other arrangements since we're all hitting burnout, but even I'm at a loss for
10:20what she can do. I'm stuck between that's not my problem and I wouldn't know what to do either.
10:26But I don't want to continue to risk my sanity, so I bowed out today. My dad did too and they got
10:32miffy with each other over it. She decided to take the day off and come care for her kids,
10:38but I have no idea what she's gonna do tomorrow. Either way, I feel bad and I must know.
10:44Comment 1, NTA. There was no harm in her asking if you could watch them,
10:49but she should have respected your answer when you said no. You being a stay-at-home parent
10:55does not equal free babysitting. Her kids are old enough now to get into all kinds of trouble,
11:00and with a house to look after and your own toddler, I can't imagine trying to keep an eye
11:05on two other kids that you always have to keep a close watch on. Comment 2. If your sister lives
11:12in the U.S. and makes under a certain income, she may qualify for free daycare at a licensed
11:17daycare facility. I work at an aftercare and we have kids whose fee is paid for by the state.
11:24I'm not sure, but depending on where you live she may also be a candidate to get money each
11:29month from the GovT to help care for the children. Don't quote me on this, but it's something to look
11:34into for when the children are with her. Comment 3. This is an unpopular opinion,
11:41but if I'm being honest I think ESH in this case. I completely agree and understand that
11:47it isn't your responsibility to care for her kids in any way. However, I do believe that
11:52family needs to look out for each other and if you can you should help your sister. That doesn't
11:58give your sister the right to take you for granted or just to expect you to be her babysitter.
12:03I think you'll could work something out and she needs to be respectful of your time and
12:07obligations. It's probably easier said than done. I've dealt with more than my fair share
12:13of entitled family members. Comment 4. I have a 26-year-old stepdaughter Violet who is not a very
12:21nice person. I swear I'm not being a wicked stepmother. She just doesn't like anyone and
12:27believes she is above all of us. I have a 25-year-old daughter Tessa and they have been in
12:32each other's lives since 14-13. From day one Violet wouldn't speak to any of us. Actually it
12:39would be easier to count the people Violet will speak to. Her father encouraged her but you can't
12:45force a kid to speak. Tessa wanted to friends with Violet's friends but that never worked out
12:51since Violet wanted nothing to do with her. However I monitored them very closely and never
12:56heard Violet making fun of Tessa or saying anything negative to her. I checked in with
13:02Tessa as she said there was no bullying at school but if she tried to talk to Violet, Violet would
13:07just stare at her. Her father did try to work with her on being polite so you guessed it she stopped
13:14speaking to him as well. Tessa continued to resent that she couldn't get into Violet's friend group.
13:20They were the popular kids and began calling Violet a mean girl which upset my husband.
13:25Tessa and Violet haven't seen each other in years as Violet spends every holiday with her
13:30boyfriend's family, well really only his mother. She won't speak to anyone else.
13:35Look I understand it is weird and unpleasant behavior but to me it isn't bullying. Violet's
13:41fiancé even says he thinks she just really enjoys not speaking to people, like it is an adrenaline
13:47rush for her. Tessa has struggled as she feels Violet is rewarded for this, not by her father
13:52and I, just life in general. She is very successful slash makes a lot of money. She continues to tell
13:58people that Violet bullies her and it just isn't true. Well Violet is getting married and Tessa
14:04and I aren't invited. Tessa was telling people how Violet bullied her their entire childhood.
14:11This annoyed me and I asked her what Violet ever did to her beyond ignore her and again she could
14:16not answer. I finally snapped at her that she doesn't know what bullying is and I don't like
14:21her spreading these lies. Tessa blew up and said Violet is Regina George and I'm being insensitive.
14:28Comment 1. My sister has been very, very careful to not do or say anything where my mother could
14:34hear. She was a massive bitch in school with getting her friends to say mean things,
14:39do nasty things in her behalf. I doubt that Violet the angel you are making her out to be.
14:45You will never get to the truth now that you have permanently destroyed your daughter's faith in
14:49you. YTA. Comment 2. YTA. Violet may have been cold and distant but dismissing Tessa's feelings
14:59is not cool. Ignoring someone can be super hurtful especially when it's constant and can totally feel
15:06like bullying. By telling Tessa she's lying you're invalidating her experience and pain.
15:12It's important to listen to her and acknowledge how Violet's behavior affected her.
15:17Instead of shutting her down maybe try to understand her perspective and support her
15:22feelings. Dismissing her as spreading lies only adds to her hurt. Comment 3. YTA. I doubt your
15:31daughter would tell you more about what happened because it sounds like you just dismiss and
15:35minimize what she does tell you. This is her truth. Ignoring can be bullying. My daughter
15:42was bullied by the mean girls on a club soccer team simply because she was new and not part of
15:47the bestie friend group. They went out of their way to ignore her at practice, team building events,
15:53and team social gatherings. They even encouraged other players on the team to ignore her
15:59and the other new girls. It was absolutely bullying by excluding her and making her feel
16:04othered. Your stepdaughter also sounds like an R and all of you should go North Carolina with
16:10each other.