First broadcast 12th October 2011.
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Adam Hills
Katy Brand
Fern Britton
Warwick Davis
Rhod Gilbert
Greg Davies
Lloyd Langford
Jo Whiley
Adam Hills
Katy Brand
Fern Britton
Warwick Davis
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on Ask Rock Gilbert, our special guests are, she's quite a character, it's Katie Brand!
00:29And Australia's finest, Adam Hills!
00:30They're here every week, it's Greg Davies!
00:31And Lloyd Anford!
00:32Ladies and gentlemen, Ask Rock Gilbert!
00:33Hello, welcome, yes my name is Rod Gilbert and tonight my job is to find the answers
00:57to the questions that keep us all awake at night.
01:00Questions like, why don't pubs and restaurants leave chips alone?
01:04Chips work just fine, so stop messing with the recipe.
01:07Our chips are triple cooked, so what?
01:09Get a better chef who can nail it first time.
01:11So your chips are hand cut, no they're not, unless you've got Bruce Lee and Edward Scissorhands
01:16out the back, they're knife cut.
01:17And if they are cut by hand, who's doing your curly fries, Abu Hamza?
01:24Just because you've arranged my chips like a game of Jenga, don't think I haven't noticed
01:26they've only given me four.
01:30I'm not an idiot, do you think I'd be happy with 15 peas just because you put them in
01:33a mini snooker triangle?
01:34I've got nothing against thick cut chips, but if yours get any bigger, we're going to
01:38have to cut them up to make potatoes.
01:40In a world full of uncertainty, we need someone with credibility to help us find the answers
01:50to our questions.
01:51So as always, we begin by asking, who is tonight's authenticator?
01:56She got her fingers all green when she hosted That's Gardening.
02:03She was the first host of Ready Steady Cook.
02:06She's the high priestess of daytime television, so text us if you know the answer to today's
02:17big money quiz.
02:18If you think tonight's authenticator is A, Concord, B, Robert Mugabe's stapler, or C,
02:28Fern Britton.
02:29Yes, if you texted C, you are absolutely right.
02:33Tonight's authenticator is TV mega presenter, queen of the comfy couch, Fern Britton.
02:41Hello.
02:45Welcome.
02:48Thank you for joining us.
02:51It's a pleasure.
02:52I read recently that you were all for growing old disgracefully, was what you said.
02:56What I mean is, there's a hell of a lot of life after 35, and just because you're over
03:0150 doesn't mean to say there's no life left.
03:03So that's why I'm here, trying to enjoy myself anyway.
03:06Part of your growing old disgracefully thing was you've been having tattoos, haven't you?
03:15Yeah.
03:16I don't know why that causes a stir.
03:18Middle-aged woman has tattoo.
03:19Yeah, I did it at Christmas.
03:21Can we...
03:22No.
03:23Right.
03:24Really?
03:25Yeah, look.
03:26Katie's got them.
03:27I've got them.
03:28Have you?
03:29Yeah.
03:30What are yours?
03:31I've got an anchor and a butterfly, one on each wrist.
03:34Is that for the butter?
03:35Yeah.
03:41Is it a shopping list?
03:42Yeah, it's a shopping list.
03:47Have you got any tattoos, Adam?
03:48I've got nothing.
03:49No?
03:50I want to know what Fern's got, though.
03:51Yeah, I want to know what Fern's got.
03:52Back to you, Fern.
03:54Well, you know, Rod.
03:55You've seen them.
03:56I have seen them.
03:57That's why I wanted to get them out.
04:00Give us a cheer if you want to see Fern's tattoos.
04:06Thank you.
04:08It's only two little butterflies, just like you.
04:10That was it.
04:11Done.
04:12Wonderful.
04:13How are you going to help us tonight, Fern?
04:14I'm going to help you by authenticating and researching
04:17any answers to any questions that come up tonight.
04:19Wonderful.
04:20And when I think we finally have an answer, I will do this.
04:27Adam, have you learnt anything recently?
04:29I have learnt that I'm accidentally racist.
04:33How could you be an accidentally racist?
04:35I host a music quiz show on Australian television
04:37and it's named after a Bee Gees song,
04:39and that song is Spics and Specs,
04:41because it's a song about bits of your memory.
04:43And iTunes in America censored the title
04:46because they decided that spics was a racist term
04:49for Hispanic people in America.
04:51So, apparently, I host a racist TV show.
04:54Political correctness gone mad, didn't it, mate?
04:56It is amazing.
04:57My quiz show's been banned as well.
04:58All Australians are convicts.
05:03Katie, have you learnt anything recently?
05:06I've learnt that, apparently, in an average bar of chocolate,
05:09there are around eight separate parts of insects.
05:16Did you see that woman in the paper recently
05:18that had bought something online
05:20and then found it from an unidentified spider
05:22and then, like, a transfer, but nobody knows what it is?
05:24That's my nightmare.
05:25An unidentifiable surprise spider in something I've bought.
05:29It wasn't a surprise spider.
05:31Wasn't it?
05:35I'm not sure it'd be necessarily that camper spider.
05:40Right, let's crack on with the show.
05:42Let's find out who wants to know what tonight.
05:45Who have we got?
05:46Rupert Murdoch.
05:47Rod, do you think we were right to stop all that phone tapping?
05:50By the way, there's a message from your mother
05:52and your sister wants you to babysit.
05:54LAUGHTER
06:00England's cricketers.
06:01Let's have a question from the England cricketers.
06:03Rod, do you have any fabric softener?
06:08Jamie Oliver.
06:09Jamie asks, some people say Nigella Lawson...
06:13Oh, no.
06:16Some people say Nigella Lawson has been using breast milk
06:19in her recipes.
06:20Is this true?
06:21Well, no, it's not true, Jamie.
06:23I've never actually used breast milk in a recipe.
06:26Simply getting your breasts into a picture of a Beef Wellington
06:29doesn't count.
06:30After all, you could photograph your old boy
06:32next to a sponge pudding, but it wouldn't make it a spotted dick.
06:37Let's have a look what's next.
06:38It's our Famous Face Asks round.
06:40Let's see who wants to know what tonight.
06:43Oh, it's little Warwick Davis.
06:45What does he want?
06:46Hi, Rod.
06:47Human beings are a very diverse race,
06:49from people like myself to massive, tall, ugly, weird freaks
06:54like Greg Davies.
06:55So, can you tell me, have we stopped evolving?
07:00Oh, yeah, that's the first reference to me being a disgusting...
07:03Good.
07:05Could you introduce Warwick Davis in a slightly more patronising way?
07:14That's a very good question.
07:15Have we stopped evolving, Fern?
07:17Can you see what you can find out?
07:18Yes, I will.
07:19Forrest, thank you very much.
07:20What do we think, panel?
07:21If you could evolve one thing, what would you evolve?
07:26Lloyd?
07:27I would evolve gills.
07:29You're nodding, Kate.
07:30I was going to say the same, gills.
07:31Were you?
07:32Yeah.
07:33Why?
07:34To breathe underwater.
07:35Yes, to breathe underwater.
07:44What would you evolve, Adam?
07:45I would just evolve a little pouch on my body for carrying a mobile phone.
07:51Really?
07:52I've got one of those, look.
07:55In a limitless world of possibilities.
07:58What would you like to evolve?
07:59I'd evolve gills.
08:00What would you have?
08:01I'd have a little thing on my...
08:02I'd have a belt clip, essentially.
08:05I think it's because I'm Australian.
08:06I just went, ah, pouch.
08:09What would you evolve, Fern?
08:11Well, torches on the end of my fingers.
08:13That's more like it.
08:15You see, of all the things...
08:16Because I'm always losing things, you know, under the bed and the sofa and down the sides of the car,
08:21just where you can't see, and wouldn't that... a source of light in those nooks and crannies.
08:26But if you had a pouch on your body, you wouldn't have lost them in the first place.
08:31Just so.
08:37Young people now are replacing... the thumb is the new forefinger.
08:41Young people are pointing with their thumbs.
08:45No, they're not. Yes, they are.
08:46Young people press doorbells with their thumb, not with their finger.
08:49No, they don't.
08:50I have to put my spoke in here and say I'm going to back you up, Rod,
08:54because thumb dexterity has improved so much in recent years
08:57that some teenagers now point with their thumbs,
08:59ring doorbells with their thumbs instead of their forefinger,
09:03and it seems the increased use of handheld gadgets
09:06is prompting rapid changes that would normally have occurred over many decades.
09:10Huh? Kaboom!
09:13I've never seen anyone point with their thumb.
09:15But you don't hang out with young people.
09:17If you hang out with the kids on street corners,
09:19nobody goes, hey, look over there. They go, hey, look over there.
09:22Do you know what? Here's a question for you.
09:24Why are there still monkeys if we've evolved from monkeys?
09:27I've never quite understood that.
09:29Some monkeys didn't evolve.
09:31But will the monkeys who are there now, will they ever become humans?
09:34No.
09:35And if they become humans, what will become monkeys?
09:37Will crows become monkeys or something?
09:40No, because there's one strand of primate or ape that became humans,
09:45but some of the apes didn't develop human characteristics,
09:48so they didn't evolve as humans, but that didn't mean they died out
09:51because they were quite good at being apes.
09:53Does that make sense?
09:54Just get to the point. Will a crow become a monkey?
09:56No.
09:57No, never. A crow will never become a monkey.
10:00Can we have another fact?
10:01Yes. If you're somebody who always forgets people's names,
10:04you will like this.
10:06According to theoretical physicist Dr Michio Kaku,
10:10100 years from now, we will have...
10:12Belt clips.
10:13..the Internet embedded in contact lenses
10:16with face recognition software,
10:19so when we meet someone, the lenses will remind us who they are
10:22and show us their biography
10:25and even translate their words into subtitles.
10:28Doesn't that mean all conversation will disappear?
10:31So if you go on a date with somebody, you go,
10:34I know everything about you.
10:36You've got a slow Internet connection.
10:38You meet someone, you go, hello.
10:40Yeah.
10:41Sorry, still downloading.
10:43What are you doing? I'm buffering.
10:47I think we should do that now.
10:49I think everyone in the world should have a name badge on permanently.
10:52That is not the same.
10:55This vision of the world is not simply being Kewloid.
11:00This is the Internet in your eyes, not somebody with a name badge.
11:03No, but it's small steps, isn't it?
11:06It's quicker.
11:07That's very small steps.
11:08In 100 years, everyone will have a name badge.
11:10That's not...
11:12No, I mean now, not in 100 years.
11:14Oh.
11:17I always forget people's names, right?
11:19I do too.
11:20And I think if everyone wore a name badge, then that would help.
11:23And then you might say,
11:24oh, what if you don't want people to know your name?
11:26You have a little protective flop.
11:30Controlled by a lever, so if you want someone to know your name,
11:32you pull the lever, flop comes out.
11:36So, do you have any more information for us?
11:38I've got the answer here.
11:40You can talk to a fellow of the Royal Society, no less.
11:43He's Professor Mark Pagel.
11:45He's from the School of Biological Sciences at the University of Reading
11:48and he is on the line for you now.
11:50Yes, hello.
11:51Hello, how are you?
11:52I'm well, thank you.
11:53Thanks for coming on the show.
11:54We're just discussing whether evolution continues
11:57or is going to cease or has ceased.
11:59Can you shed any light on it for us?
12:01The answer to the question is that we are still evolving, definitely.
12:05And some good news is
12:06there's probably strong selection for physical attractiveness.
12:09So we're going to get better looking?
12:10Yeah, we can think so.
12:11Cool.
12:12What, in my lifetime?
12:15We can hope.
12:16There's every reason to believe
12:17that we're becoming less violent and aggressive because...
12:20No, there's...
12:21Have you ever been out in Britain on a Saturday night?
12:23Yeah, because there were people in jail.
12:25Because of people in jail?
12:27Well, society increasingly punishes antisocial behaviour
12:31and probably over the last thousand years
12:33we've become really quite less aggressive, less violent as people.
12:38Because people are in jail, they're not reproducing
12:40and they're the violent ones, so...
12:42Exactly.
12:43You can't reproduce.
12:44You don't find very many women in jail.
12:46Doesn't that make us, in evolutionary terms,
12:49at risk of alien attack?
12:54The pressing question in the studio, really, is...
12:57Will a crow ever become a monkey?
12:59We haven't got the answer to that one.
13:01Definitely not.
13:03Thank you very much, Professor Bagle.
13:05Thanks for joining us.
13:06I'm going to take that as an answer.
13:07My pleasure.
13:12So, Warwick Davis, you asked,
13:14have we stopped evolving?
13:15And the answer seems to be no.
13:17I'm going to award that round to Katie
13:19because she sounds like she knows at least something
13:21of what she's talking about.
13:24APPLAUSE
13:26I get a point?
13:27Yes.
13:28Oh, you're well in the lead.
13:29OK, thank you.
13:30Can I get a point as well?
13:31Yep.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:34My point is now somewhat devalued.
13:36I've just given you another point.
13:37Oh, great.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:39If you want.
13:40Let's see who else has a question for us tonight.
13:43Oh, it's Andy Murray, Scotland's favourite.
13:46APPLAUSE
13:48Scotland's favourite.
13:50Let's have a look at what he wants to know.
13:52After reaching the semifinals, two years running,
13:54I'm determined to get to the final of Wimbledon next year, Rod.
13:57Any tips?
13:58Yes, I have, Andy.
13:59Ticketmaster.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:03I was going to give him a tip
14:04and that's to take both of those oranges out of his mouth.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:07No, that's where he keeps the...
14:08You know, before they serve, you get two.
14:10That's where he keeps them.
14:11He's just spat one out, look.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:16You know that Adam isn't a previous life...
14:18You were a tennis coach, weren't you?
14:20I was a tennis coach.
14:21Let's give it to him then, to Andy.
14:23Yeah, let's roleplay it, I'll be him.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:27Here's what I'd say to Andy.
14:28If you were Andy Murray,
14:29this is exactly what I'd say to you right now.
14:31Oh!
14:32LAUGHTER
14:33You're number four in the world.
14:35That's pretty freaking good.
14:37People should get off your back.
14:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:46Yeah, everyone.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:50No, I don't know anything about football.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54Michael Phelps.
14:55Ooh, what does Michael Phelps want to know?
14:57Rod, how long can someone hold their breath underwater?
15:00LAUGHTER
15:03Well, by the expression on your face in that picture,
15:05just long enough, Michael.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09Louis Walsh.
15:11Oh, hang on a minute, I can see our friend of the show,
15:13Kim Jong-Il, coming up.
15:14We always have a question from friend of the show,
15:17Kim Jong-Il.
15:18What does he want to know?
15:19Rod, people said I was mad when I had my willy removed
15:21and replaced with a telescopic blackboard pointer.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:25But who's laughing now?
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29Ah, it's time to see what we've got next.
15:31It is our World Asks questions from around the world.
15:34Let's see who wants to know what.
15:36It is a pipe band.
15:37What would they like to know?
15:39Hi, Rod.
15:40Playing with bay pipes can be hard work.
15:42You need stamina and skill.
15:43But my question for you is,
15:45what's the easiest job in the world?
15:47My question for you is, why are you Australian?
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51I was not expecting that at all.
15:53Somewhere in Scotland, there's a guy with a wobble board going,
15:56this is great!
15:57LAUGHTER
16:01Adam.
16:04Adam, what did you want to be when you grew up?
16:07Honestly, I couldn't decide whether to be a clown
16:10when I wanted to grow up or a journalist.
16:12Those were honestly the two choices I had as a kid.
16:15I know.
16:16And now, thanks to Rupert Murdoch, you can do both.
16:19What did you want to be when you were a kid?
16:22I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.
16:24Weren't you born in West London?
16:26There aren't many dolphins in West London.
16:29And that is, funnily enough, what thwarted me.
16:32What did you want to be, Lloyd?
16:34I wanted to be an actor.
16:37Seriously?
16:39I'm not sure you've quite got any emotional range.
16:43That was the thing, I couldn't... I can't sing or dance.
16:46And you haven't got any expressions in your face whatsoever.
16:50You literally look like a child who's stuck under a frozen lake.
16:53LAUGHTER
17:02You've been living in my flat for seven years,
17:04every day I look at you, I think, what does he look like?
17:06It's a child looking up from under a frozen lake.
17:09I was hoping to convey my emotions by a name-flub.
17:17Lloyd, I've got a game for you. Some expressions.
17:20Katie, look away, an expression will come up on the screen,
17:23and Lloyd's going to have to communicate it to you using only his face.
17:26Lloyd, you learn what it is.
17:28It's only one word, I'm afraid.
17:32He's confident, ladies and gentlemen.
17:35Right, learn your words.
17:37Those are your lines, now you have to communicate it with your expression-y face.
17:41To Byrne and to Katie.
17:44Is it... Can I chip in?
17:46You can chip in by all means, yeah.
17:48Mum, Mum, help me, I'm stuck under the ice.
17:52Is it happy?
17:54Oh, one and a one.
17:59OK, let's have expression two for Lloyd to communicate to Katie, please.
18:04I'm like John Gielgud.
18:07Stuck under a frozen lake.
18:14Cold?
18:17Is it grumpy?
18:19Are you having a poo?
18:22Yes, but apart from that...
18:24You're having a sad poo, is that it?
18:27That was brilliant.
18:29Sad. What was it like?
18:31Sadness. Sadness, OK.
18:33Expression number three.
18:35OK, off you go, Lloyd.
18:51If you were in a bar and Lloyd was doing that, what would you think?
18:54I would think he was saying, let's go up on the roof and do it.
18:59It's not far off.
19:01In a hotel bar, you meet two women and would like to invite one of them to your room,
19:05but not the other one.
19:07Lloyd's acting, ladies and gentlemen. Very well done.
19:14Let's have another fact, then.
19:16Another fact. If you had to pick the easiest job in the world
19:19and you saw the following, you might think you'd hit the jackpot.
19:23Take a look.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:33That's good. That's pretty straightforward.
19:36I met a guy who I reckon had the easiest job in the world,
19:39and he swears this is true.
19:41He was working as a photographer's assistant on a fashion photo shoot,
19:44and his job, all it was for this particular day,
19:47was to put tape over the nipples of the models
19:50so that they weren't erect during the photos.
19:53That's not a full-time job.
19:56Well, no, you'd have to take time off every three and a half minutes.
20:02I've got an easier job than that.
20:04What? Doctor on death row.
20:09If you make a mistake, what's the worst that can happen?
20:14Are we any closer to finding an answer?
20:16Yes, this is an answer. According to the job agency Careercast,
20:20the easiest job in the world, or the least stressful anyway,
20:23is an audiologist who is someone who treats hearing problems.
20:26The most stressful job, though, is an airline pilot.
20:29I will take that as an answer.
20:38So, Pipers, you asked what the easiest job in the world is,
20:41and apparently it's an audiologist.
20:43But, of course, we all know that the easiest job in the world
20:46really is a Geordie Cloakroom attendant.
20:49And I'm awarding that round to Lloyd for his wonderful acting skills.
21:02Next, it is time for my quickfire round, The Audience Asks.
21:05I'm going to try and get through as many questions as I can
21:08before we hear this noise.
21:10Three, two, one, stop cooking.
21:14If you don't get the answer button with this round,
21:16there's no time for that. We just get this bell.
21:22So, it is the quickfire round. Who's first? Let's have a look.
21:25It's Gabby Lovett. Where are you, Gabby Lovett?
21:27Can you stand up so I can see you? Hello.
21:29Hi. Hello.
21:30See, if you put boiling hot water into a thermal flask
21:33and then you put it in the freezer, what happens?
21:35Does it stay hot or does it freeze?
21:37I think what ultimately happens is your boyfriend leaves you.
21:43That's an answer. Your boyfriend leaves you.
21:45Avril Kimsella. Hello, Avril. What's your question?
21:48What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
21:56Rob? Yeah? I think I can demonstrate this.
22:01For those who don't know what's going on, I have an artificial foot.
22:04So, you can demonstrate this. Your chair would face the other way.
22:09You'd sit down on it like this.
22:11And your foot would stick out.
22:16APPLAUSE
22:21There's not many shows that that demonstration could have happened.
22:24Who have we got next? Claire Brown. Hello. What's your question?
22:27Hello. What do the French say when something seems familiar to them?
22:31I think someone asked that last week.
22:36What do the French say?
22:38What do you mean, what do the French say when something familiar happens to them?
22:42Well, we say déjà vu. So do they. They're French.
22:50Phillip McFeely. Where's Phillip McFeely? Hello, Phillip.
22:54The question is... Have you stolen my Phillip Scofield wig?
23:02How many ants would you need to take out Lennox Lewis?
23:05To take out Lennox Lewis?
23:07See, we're in a situation. Nuclear bunker.
23:09Lennox Lewis is going to press the button.
23:11No-one can get in, but there is an anthill. How many?
23:15Quite a specific scenario you've faked in there.
23:19I don't know. Ants are remarkably strong.
23:21They're probably the strongest pound for pound in the animal kingdom.
23:24But how many of them would it take to carry out Lennox Lewis?
23:27One of my ants is 25 stone. She'd take that.
23:33Three, two, one. Stop clicking.
23:35Oh, you're tying me down.
23:37I think we did pretty well there.
23:39I'm going to award that round to Adam for a remarkable demonstration.
23:50Well, we've answered nearly all our questions for this week,
23:52but there is time for one more.
23:54It is our special guest asks round.
23:58Katie, do you have a question for us this week?
24:01Well, I do. Good.
24:03I go to meetings from time to time,
24:06and I like to shake hands in meetings.
24:09It's got me thinking, why do we shake hands at all?
24:12What is the history to it?
24:14Why do we shake hands, Fern?
24:16Can you see what you can find out?
24:18When politicians go and have to do a lot of handshaking,
24:21they get incredibly painful, don't they?
24:24Sores on their hands. Do they?
24:26Did you know the Queen has shaken hands over a million times?
24:29But she always wears gloves. Always.
24:31You will never, ever see the Queen out without gloves,
24:34because she does not want to have skin-to-skin contact with people.
24:37Yeah, and also, she's a amateur snooker referee.
24:42Do you know what? I'm actually meeting her tomorrow.
24:45Ooh!
24:47Are you meeting the Queen tomorrow?
24:49I am indeed meeting the Queen tomorrow.
24:51At Buckingham Palace. There's a reception for Australians in England,
24:54and I am genuinely... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
24:56I've put in 42 years in this country,
24:59and you, just for being over here, get to meet the Queen?
25:02No, he's organised a snooker match at her house.
25:06What do you mean, it's Australians in Britain?
25:08There's a specific reception tomorrow for Australians in Britain.
25:11How many of you? Thousands!
25:13And all the bars going to shut?
25:18It's a trick, you know. It's to get you all back in prison.
25:22I've actually met her before.
25:24Oh, you're old friends.
25:27When I met her, she had come round,
25:29and then Prince Philip came round directly after her.
25:31So she'd come round to your house?
25:33Yeah, she'd come round to my house.
25:35It's the line-up, it's the royal line-up,
25:37and she kind of came all the way round, and it was like...
25:39And then Prince Philip came up to me and looked down at my feet and went...
25:44And he just looked at me, and I love him for this,
25:46cos he just had this big grin on his face that kind of said,
25:48I've got one. I've got a good one.
25:50You fly home tomorrow, do you?
25:52Yes, Your Highness. And he went...
25:54I would smuggle something out of the country in that leg of yours.
26:00Really? Really.
26:05I'd like you to do one about greetings as well.
26:07Here's another thing for you.
26:09In Papua New Guinea, they don't shake hands.
26:12When you walk into a meeting,
26:14you tickle each other's genitals.
26:18I'm sorry, and which particular genitals do you tickle?
26:22You go, hello, hello, how do you do?
26:24And then you all stand up and you go round the room and...
26:28Well, this is clearly one of your major facts.
26:30No, no, it isn't. I have to say, I'm going to back you up here, Rod.
26:34It says here there are other alternatives to the handshake.
26:37In Papua New Guinea, some tribes exchange greetings
26:40by clasping each other's genitals.
26:43Yeah, so you were wrong. It's not a tickle, it's a firm clasp.
26:48Not in the meeting I was in.
26:52John McCrory shakes hands with women like this.
26:55I'll show you the left-hand audience. Who does this?
26:57John McCrory. Oh, yeah.
26:59As he comes at you with his hand, he tucks this hand in the palm
27:02and when he gets your hand in his,
27:04he tickles the palm of your hand with his finger.
27:06That's a masonic handshake.
27:08Yeah, is that masonic? It's just McCrory.
27:13You know that hello didn't exist before telephones.
27:17Yes, that's true.
27:19Alexander Graham Bell wanted it to be a hoi hoi.
27:22Yes, yeah.
27:24And Thomas Edison wanted it to be hello.
27:26Before that, nobody said anything.
27:28They just picked the phone up and it was silent for so long.
27:31Yeah. That's what happened.
27:33Lionel Richie's first hit was...
27:37Back to the question, why do we shake hands? Lloyd, what do you think?
27:40I think you shake hands... In the olden days, you shook hands
27:43to check how many fingers the other person had.
27:47Today, they've only got two fingers.
27:49Then you instantly know they're careless.
27:57It's true, you can tell a lot about people
27:59from the amount of fingers they've got.
28:01They're either careless or accident-prone.
28:04So, for example, if you're...
28:11Hang on, there's a question from Mr Clumsy.
28:18How did you lose your foot, just out of interest?
28:20It was a shark.
28:22It wasn't a shark. No, it wasn't a shark.
28:25No, I just lost it a bit.
28:27There's no... I just lost it a bit.
28:29What, you were born without it? Yeah.
28:31How clumsy are you?
28:35Dear God.
28:40Here's one theory I have heard that sort of makes a bit of sense,
28:43but then you think, no, it doesn't really when you interrogate it,
28:46the one that people say,
28:48you shake hands because it comes from the olden days
28:51when we used to shake hands.
28:53It was a way of finding out whether the other person had a weapon.
28:56Surely going like that would be a much better way
28:59of establishing whether the other person had a weapon than...
29:02It's like the police when they surround a house.
29:04You never hear them shouting,
29:05come out, come out, and shake hands with everyone.
29:10I don't think you'd be able to work out
29:12whether someone was carrying a weapon
29:14just from shaking their hand.
29:16I think you just know.
29:18I just know when someone's up to no good.
29:20Ever since I was a teacher, I know when a kid walks into a room
29:23or anyone walks into a room and they're up to no good, I know.
29:26You honestly think you've got a sixth sense?
29:28I genuinely do believe I have a sixth sense.
29:30And you can think of a way that we can test this spurious boast of yours.
29:33Yeah? How?
29:35Let's go to the lab.
29:37APPLAUSE
29:43Well, Greg, welcome to the lab.
29:45Tonight we have a very scientific experiment
29:47to determine whether you do, in fact, as you boldly claimed,
29:50have a sixth sense.
29:51Basically, we have four of our panellists stood around this circle.
29:54We are going to spin you round.
29:55Two of them will have a weapon, two of them won't.
29:57You have a 50-50 chance of getting it right.
29:59If you guess it right, you will hear this noise...
30:03..and receive a point.
30:05If you get it wrong, you will be severely punished.
30:07Oh, right.
30:08I'm going to start spinning you now.
30:11Ah!
30:13No!
30:14Do you think this person has a weapon?
30:16No, I don't think this person has a weapon.
30:18You're absolutely right.
30:20One point. You get one point on that one.
30:25Do you think this person has a weapon?
30:27Yes, I think this person has a weapon.
30:29You're absolutely right.
30:32He has got the sixth sense.
30:34We've got two of you with weapons.
30:36Stop.
30:37Do you think this person has a weapon?
30:38Yes, I think this person has a weapon.
30:40Oh, you're wrong. He doesn't have a weapon.
30:42Receive the extra point.
30:44Oh, no!
30:45What a terrible business!
30:48The sixth sense left you for a brief moment there.
30:50Do you think this person has a weapon?
30:52No, I don't think they have a weapon.
30:55What?!
30:57Unlucky.
30:58You were wrong, Greg.
31:00The by-the-act super-administrator.
31:02Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?
31:04Yes, I think they have a weapon.
31:05Oh, correct!
31:09Reload. Reload.
31:11Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?
31:13No, I don't think this person has a weapon.
31:18Unlucky, Greg.
31:20The feelings left you for just a moment.
31:22Do you think this person has a weapon?
31:24No, they haven't got a weapon.
31:26They do have a weapon.
31:28Yes, Dan, they did have a weapon, Greg.
31:30They did have a weapon.
31:32Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?
31:35No, they haven't got a weapon.
31:37Dan, you're absolutely...
31:40Right!
31:45They did have a weapon.
31:46Do you think this person has a weapon, Greg?
31:48No, they haven't got a weapon.
31:50Oh, God!
31:51One second.
31:53Now, ladies and gentlemen,
31:55do you think Greg does have a six-inch?
32:00It's not like a man who really has any special powers.
32:03And that's your trifle, man.
32:05To be fair, ladies and gentlemen,
32:07he was blindfolded, and you're not normally blindfolded in real life,
32:10so if you...
32:11No, I'm not.
32:13And you did say earlier that when you walked into a room,
32:15you could see straightaway whether a child was misbehaving
32:17in your teaching days.
32:18So we're going to give you one last chance.
32:20Let's take somebody from down there in the audience.
32:22Do you think that woman with the red hair,
32:24do you think she has a weapon?
32:26Think very carefully, Greg.
32:28No, I'm going to play this logically,
32:29as if this was scientific and fair.
32:31It is.
32:32So, no, Rod, she's a member of the audience.
32:34Of course she hasn't got a weapon.
32:36I'm afraid, Greg.
32:38Oh, God, you're completely wrong, Greg.
32:41I'm afraid you're wrong.
32:43She does have a weapon.
32:45She does have a weapon.
33:05So, the question was...
33:07Why do we share camps?
33:12I think we've got an answer to that.
33:16And according to Professor William Chaplin
33:19from St John's University in New York,
33:21a handshake is often the very first impression a person makes on us.
33:26So we shake hands because it provides a quick first assessment
33:30of the person we meet.
33:32There's your answer, Greg.
33:34Could you press the answer button for us, Greg?
33:36Certainly.
33:41I am awarding that round to...
33:45..to Lloyd.
33:46I'm awarding that round to Lloyd.
33:52That's pretty much it for tonight.
33:54So, people of Britain, if you've got a question,
33:56you can tweet hashtag AskRod on Twitter,
33:58but for tonight, it's thanks to...
34:00Katie Brand!
34:02Adam Hill!
34:04Greg Davies and Lloyd Lampard!
34:06And, of course, our authenticator, Fern Britton!
34:09I'm Rod Gerber, and you can ask me literally anything.
34:13Good night.
34:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:45Oh!