the ghosts of motley hall - season 3 episode 3
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02:00Shall I go first? I don't play myself Mr Webster, but the Mother's Union asked if they could
02:20use the lawn so I try and keep it in good condition for them. Croquet was a very popular
02:25game with the Uproar family. Almost a mania with some of them. And of course poor Miss Uproar...
02:32You administered the estate Mr Dudden?
02:34Well I did yes until Stanford Hines bought it.
02:39Stanford Hines eh? Why does he want to get rid of it?
02:42He doesn't. Well what I mean is he's already got rid of it. He gave it to me.
02:48He what?
02:49He gave it to me. Of course I told him I didn't want it but he insisted.
02:53He changed his whole way of life. I understand that he's running a coffee bar now on Tonga.
02:59But he was a multi-millionaire wasn't he?
03:07The lease on our Western offices is running out. We've got to make a move.
03:11So we've decided to move out of London altogether.
03:14Design department's expanding and Motley's seems very much the kind of place we're looking for.
03:24Oh it's so absurd. The moment anybody looks like buying Sir George starts prancing about like a demented poltergeist.
03:32Well he thinks that Gudgeon should stop trying to sell the place and live in it himself.
03:36But Gudgeon don't want to.
03:38He can't afford to.
03:40We know that but try telling that pig-headed old girl again.
03:43We wanted a bit of peace and quiet after the hullabaloo of London.
03:47Well you'll find Motley wonderfully quiet and secluded and solid as a rock.
03:52Thanks very much.
03:55Now sometimes it's a bit draughty.
03:59It appears to have jammed. Oh dear.
04:01Well shall we go somewhere else then? It's just a big empty room with nothing in it.
04:16Cortese has got over the billiard table going.
04:19Ain't he?
04:20Looks after reason. Can't hold his meetings without it can he?
04:23Yeah. Do you know what's happened to it?
04:25Matt said it's been put in the stables.
04:27Must say the Great Hall looks uncommon bare without it.
04:30Suppose...
04:31Yes?
04:32Suppose I had a word with Gudgeon.
04:35What sort of a word?
04:36Asked him to put it back.
04:38It might make Sir George more reasonable.
04:42Take more than an old billiard table to do that.
04:45Besides the last time you had a word with Gudgeon we never saw him for a month.
04:49Nonsense. He's getting quite used to me.
04:51As a matter of fact I think he looks forward to our little powwows.
04:57Your little what?
04:59Powwows.
05:01As in wigwams.
05:03And it was his son, Sir John Uproar,
05:06who was largely responsible for building this long gallery and the whole of the West Wing.
05:12He employed a local builder, Geoffrey Oakshot,
05:14who later complained that Sir John owed him 50 pounds.
05:17And of course 50 pounds was a lot of money in those days.
05:20Sir John insisted that he'd paid Oakshot every penny
05:23and that the wretched man was lying.
05:26It's a fascinating story, isn't it?
05:28What?
05:29Yes, it is.
05:30Does it strike you as abnormally cold here?
05:33Perhaps we'd better move on.
05:35COUGHS
05:40Which brings us back to the Great Hall.
05:42Very fine.
05:43It's far too big for me, Mr Webster, as you can see.
05:47Much as I love it.
05:49COUGHS
05:53I wonder if I could leave you to wander around on your own for a while.
05:58The fact is that I really ought to get the croquet lawn finished for the Mother's Union.
06:03Mrs Wilkie Miller likes everything to be just right.
06:07But feel free to wander around the kitchen and the cellars.
06:12Feel free?
06:13Yes, but...
06:14Richard, little coward!
06:17And you can't hear either, can you, you sensitive oaf?
06:20Think you're going to buy Motley, do you?
06:23Turn us into some glorified office, eh?
06:26Well, you ain't.
06:27Leave him be, Sir George. I shouldn't even buy Motley.
06:30Because Gertrude has no right to sell it.
06:32He owns it, doesn't he? It's his house now.
06:34Exactly, and that's why you ought to live here.
06:36He doesn't have to.
06:37Poor Ned Ash!
06:39I'm not having this idiot setting fire to the place!
06:49That's right, clear off! We don't want your sort here!
07:07Oh!
07:26Pretends never, never, never shall be slaves.
07:29It's not fair!
07:30Fiddlesticks!
07:31Ooh!
07:35What's going on now?
07:36Just given another beggar his marching orders.
07:39Scared the poor cooley half to death, he did.
07:42Sir George!
07:43Ah!
07:44Oh, no, stop! Please, stop!
07:47Stop what?
07:48Frightening everyone that I bring here!
07:51I'm not doing it, it's him!
07:54Sir George?
07:55He wants you to stop trying to sell Motley and live here yourself.
07:59But I can't!
08:00He's used to you.
08:01Used to me?
08:02Yes, you're part of the place, like the billiard table.
08:05Oh, he'd like it put back.
08:07It might make him less difficult.
08:09Wouldn't he settle for a dartboard?
08:11You can't sit round a dartboard!
08:13I don't understand!
08:14Oh, sometimes I wonder why I bother to haunt you, Gudgeon.
08:18Surely you have read about not moving things from...
08:22places like this.
08:23Well, if I bring the billiard table back, will he stop?
08:27Will he stop?
08:30No.
08:31But he's going to put the billiard table back.
08:34And what has that got to do with it?
08:36Well, we thought...
08:38I know what you thought.
08:39You thought I'd stop my campaign, didn't you?
08:41Well, I ain't going to.
08:43Ah, it's fine. Now, say it, Sir George.
08:45Gudgeon is an ungrateful idiot. He don't know when he's well off.
08:48Well, well off?
08:49He'll be ruined if he doesn't sell Motley.
08:52It's out of the question.
08:54He can't bribe me with billiard tables.
08:56Gudgeon is going to live here.
08:59That's what you think.
09:00Yes, and it ain't what we think.
09:02Really.
09:03I happen to be your great-great-grandfather.
09:07And what has that got to do with it?
09:09What's that got to do with it, Boris?
09:10Nothing.
09:11Nothing?
09:12You seem to think you can ride roughshod over everyone.
09:18I...
09:20ride roughshod...
09:23Rick Gladstone, I'm the most tolerant, open-minded...
09:27I have always put the good of the regiment above...
09:30the good of our little community above any...
09:34It is only by an interchange of ideas,
09:38only by talking things over,
09:40that we can ever hope to reach a solution to our problems.
09:45Which is why, with regard to this business of Gudgeon selling Motley, I'm right.
09:50And you're wrong.
09:51And that's a...
09:53But you're a tyrant and absolute octopus!
09:56Funny.
09:57Why...
09:58You can't tag him, I tell you.
10:00I'll finish him!
10:02Oh, stop making a fool of yourself.
10:04Why don't you fight like a...
10:06No, put it away.
10:07Draw your dog!
10:08He can't.
10:09Why? Because he's a coward!
10:10Because he hasn't got a soul!
10:12Take mine, scoundrel!
10:14What will you use?
10:16By heaven, if you have one, I challenge you.
10:19I'll accept your challenge, you mucinous puppy!
10:21I'll tell you what.
10:23Why don't you fight with these?
10:29Oh.
10:31It's only a joke, Sir George.
10:37Yes.
10:38A joke, of course.
10:41I've called you out!
10:43What?
10:44I accept your challenge. You shall have satisfaction.
10:46Shall I?
10:47Yes.
10:48I don't have a sword, but I do have pistols.
10:50Pistols?
10:51Yes.
10:52Kept them hidden under the floorboards near my bed when I was...
10:55When I was...
10:56As a protection against burglars.
10:58And they're still here!
11:00Glory!
11:01And they're still loaded!
11:03You can't shoot your great-great-grandfather!
11:05I won't.
11:07If he apologises.
11:09Never.
11:10Right.
11:12Ten past...
11:13Four.
11:15Shall we say one hour's time in the Great Hall?
11:17Matt and Bart Kim shall act as our seconds.
11:19Oh, can't you just shake hands or something?
11:22Only if you'll let Gudgeon sell Motley.
11:25Never.
11:26Very well.
11:28One hour's time.
11:33I assure you, it's your imagination, Mr Webster.
11:36Now, of course the place isn't haunted.
11:38Even if it were.
11:40No, wait, wait.
11:42Be prepared to drop the price if you felt...
11:46Er...
11:48By 5,000...
11:50Yes.
11:52Here?
11:54Oh.
11:56At Motley. Yes.
11:58All right, well, I'll meet you outside the house, shall I?
12:03Shall we say in one hour's time?
12:13Er...
12:31That didn't mean no harm, Sir George.
12:33We was always worried about Gudgeon, you see.
12:36I could hit a thimble at 50 paces with one of these.
12:43Oh.
12:48Call it off, Fanny.
12:50I can't do that, Matt.
12:52It's a question of honour.
12:55Ooh!
13:09What's this?
13:10The pistols.
13:11Oh, I don't want them.
13:13Just don't, Budkin.
13:16What has she got?
13:18Bring us together.
13:20Oh, good, you're not going to fight after all?
13:22No.
13:24Of course we're going to fight, big clatter woman, don't you know anything?
13:27Don't you talk to me like that.
13:29You man of lout.
13:30What's that?
13:31I said, it's nice out.
13:33Why, lady, just bring them together.
13:36Fanny? Sir George?
13:41Sir George?
13:53After you.
13:54No, after you.
13:55I insist.
13:57Oh.
13:58Ah.
14:00Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
14:12Eight paces back, turn, five.
14:25I wasn't there the day before.
14:32One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
14:42Oh.
14:44Pleasure, an idiot.
14:46As you are, come here.
14:50Do try to get it right.
14:53You said...
14:54Ah!
14:56I said, eight paces turn and five.
15:00You said back.
15:02Yes, eight paces back.
15:04Back to back, not you to back.
15:08I do wish you had a sword.
15:10Five.
15:27Let's do it properly this time, shall we?
15:30You can't.
15:32Very well.
15:35One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
15:47Ah!
15:53Dare we work getting worried about one of you two getting shot
15:56all the time? You're both already...
15:58Quite, yeah.
16:00How can we forget a thing like that?
16:02I suppose none of us feel particularly...
16:05Quite.
16:06Well, sad, really.
16:07We shoot away at each other for hours, never settle anything.
16:10Sir George nearly settled Webster.
16:12Well, his jolly fine shot went straight through me,
16:14right between the eyes.
16:16Nearly between Websters.
16:18Do you think he'll still want to buy Motley?
16:21Not unless he likes getting shot at.
16:23True. Bound to put a fellow off.
16:27What are we going to do about Sir George?
16:30It won't make a heap of a difference.
16:33This is your house and you're going to live in it.
16:38If only there was something that could take the wind out of his sails.
16:42There's other girls in Motley, ain't there?
16:44Oh, mainly occasional or seasonal.
16:46Very few of them self-raising.
16:48And if Sir George won't listen to us,
16:50he certainly ain't going to listen to them.
16:53What does that thing bother us?
16:55I don't know, some sort of hammer. Been up here for years.
16:58And they use things like that for a game.
17:00A game? Aye, they play it outside.
17:03They've got to knock a ball through a lot of hoops
17:05and they're up against a post.
17:07The first to do it's the winner.
17:09A pill mill? No, it ain't called that.
17:11Oh.
17:12Why was Sir George so upset when he saw that?
17:15He was upset, I forgot.
17:17So did I. He seemed almost frightened.
17:20Croaky. Eh?
17:21The game, it's called Croaky.
17:23Croaky, that's right, they often used to mention that.
17:26I didn't know it was a game.
17:28Who used to mention it?
17:30The uproars when Sir George was alive.
17:32You remember? No, you don't.
17:34What about Croaky, they used to say?
17:36George is good at Croaky, time for Croaky.
17:38Then suddenly it all stopped
17:41and nobody ever brought it up again.
17:44Bit of a mystery, really.
17:46I remember it because it was about the same time
17:48as Sir George's sister died.
17:50Alexandra. That's right, Alexandra.
17:54Wait a minute.
18:06I don't say it'll work, but it's worth a try.
18:09And you can get outside.
18:20Ah!
18:21Ah!
18:51DRUMROLL
19:21DRUMROLL
19:25Boy?
19:27Did you call?
19:33CLAPPING
19:37Trooper Jackson reporting, sir.
19:39Eh? What do you have to report, Jackson?
19:42Smallest mass in the Northeast, sir.
19:45We appear to be heavily outnumbered.
19:49WHISTLE BLOWS
20:01He was a very gallant...
20:03HE CLEARS THROAT
20:05Somali man, 1877.
20:07HE CHUCKLES
20:09Just came through one of me old campaigns.
20:12I suppose you've come to ask me back.
20:14You've got a visitor, Sir George.
20:16Oh, another of Gudgeon's ghastly crew, eh?
20:18I'll soon get rid of him.
20:20No, nothing to do with Gudgeon. It's to do with you.
20:22Me?
20:23Somebody you knew very well.
20:25Knew? You mean, er...
20:27one of us? That's right.
20:29Not Barry Barnhagen, the old ADC?
20:32No.
20:33Hoppy Hopkins, yes?
20:35Haven't seen him since the opening of the Suez Canal.
20:38Hey, but...
20:40Well, who is he, then?
20:43Why don't you come and find out?
20:57Murderer!
20:59Alexander!
21:00Assassin!
21:01It was an accident, I swear it!
21:03An accident? You lost your temper.
21:06You were always losing your temper, even as a child.
21:09Have you forgotten decapitation?
21:11Have you forgotten decapitating Dinah with a fish slice?
21:14Glory on!
21:15But I glued her head on again.
21:18Back to front!
21:20Yes.
21:22Alexandra, you must listen to me.
21:25Be silent!
21:26You murdered me. Murdered your sister!
21:29But, Alexandra...
21:31Keep your distance, monster!
21:33Stay where you are, cannibal!
21:35He didn't eat her as well, did he?
21:37But I can explain everything.
21:39Snivelling hypocrite!
21:41Here is the fatal weapon
21:43with which this inhuman butcher sent me to my grave.
21:46Thee?
21:48May he bear the mark of Cain through all eternity.
21:51The ball hit the peg and bounced upwards.
21:56I was winning. He couldn't bear that.
21:58His fury knew no bounds.
22:00Passion suffused his evil frame
22:02as he seized his mallet and sent the ball
22:05hurtling on its guilty mission with devilish force.
22:09Silence!
22:11Yes.
22:13Cover your face in shame,
22:15on your knees,
22:17and beg my forgiveness.
22:23Frau Schweinfurter was far too lenient.
22:27The German governess.
22:29Rise.
22:33Perhaps one day you will find the courage
22:36to confess the truth to me.
22:38But I already...
22:40One day.
22:42You... You're not staying, are you?
22:46Of course I'm staying.
22:48Of course you're staying.
22:50Talk!
22:52Come in, Alexandra.
22:57Come in, Alexandra.
22:59She'll keep him in his place.
23:01Could you not be able to sell Motley now?
23:03Brave Alexandra, say I.
23:06Bolkin, Mac, Fanny.
23:08Oh, yes. Come in, my lady.
23:10Come in, my lady.
23:12A staple boy in Motley.
23:14Right, right, right.
23:16A foul-mouthed clown.
23:18I came indeed.
23:20And as for that brazen woman
23:22who saunters insolently about the house
23:24completely uncorseted with her hair hanging down her back,
23:27they will rue the day they raised me, George.
23:30They will, all of them, rue the day they raised me.
23:35They will, all of them.
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