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00:00Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the channel. My name's Kevin. I'm a geek. You are watching
00:16Kevin the Geek. Knowing me, Kevin the Geek. Knowing you, my fellow geeks. Aha! And we
00:22are back. We're back for Alan Partridge. This is episode two of Knowing Me, Knowing You
00:27with Alan Partridge. And I really enjoyed the very first episode that we did last month,
00:31and I'm looking forward to seeing this next one. So, let's check this one out.
00:41And although I'm not a big fan of ABBA, I do love this version of the theme tune.
00:57Aha!
01:05Aha!
01:19Welcome. Welcome to... Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You with me, Alan Partridge.
01:28It's a chat show, Jim, but not as we know it.
01:32Well, well, it's official. This show is a smash hit sensation. A corking copper-bottomed hit.
01:40Those aren't my words. They are the words of Mike Taylor from TV Quick.
01:45Of course, of course, there have been one or two dissenting voices. The Clever Clock Papers,
01:50Independent, Telegraph, Guardian, Observer, Mail on Sunday. They've been a bit sniffy.
01:54One review in particular caught my eye. Philip Parsons in The Times called this show
01:59moribund. Well, I looked up moribund in my dictionary, and it said moribund, adjective,
02:06meaning about to die or dying. I ask you, is this show about to die? Yes. Thank you. So,
02:13Mr Philip Parsons, from behind The Times, that proves that you are wrong.
02:19The show is very much alive and live, because tonight, I will be bringing you another TV
02:26chat show first, as I, Alan Partridge, will allow myself to be strapped to a spinning wheel of
02:31death, have knives thrown at me. Is that moribund? No, no, you don't shout that. So, please welcome
02:42my un-moribund merry band, my house band, Glenn Ponder and Debonair.
02:57Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, aha. Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
03:02knowing you, Debonair, aha. Glenn, I understand you're looking for a new house at the moment.
03:08Yeah, that's right, Alan. I bought a house this week in Mayfair for 500 pounds.
03:12Really, Alan? Yes, I was playing Monopoly.
03:20Seriously, Glenn, you are looking for somewhere, aren't you? Yeah. Whereabouts are you looking?
03:24Chiswick area. Yeah, Chiswick, nice. Glenn Ponder and Debonair.
03:29Yeah. Great banter.
03:42Was that chat moribund? I don't think so. Yes, it was. So, now, my first guest is intelligent,
03:49witty, a woman of the world with a figure that would stop the traffic dead both ways on the M1
03:55if she were to wiggle across the footbridge at Toddington service station.
03:59She's a quality guest from top to bottom and back up again.
04:04Excuse me? Please welcome the new agony aunt from Playboy magazine, stay tuned,
04:08the very lovely Daniela Forrest. A Playboy agony aunt?
04:14OK. Oh, I need to do Gimme Gimme Gimme episode again. I've not done that for a little while.
04:28Isn't she, isn't, isn't she lovely?
04:31Isn't she who?
04:33Isn't she lovely?
04:36I'm sorry, I missed that joke there.
04:38Isn't she, isn't, isn't she lovely?
04:41Yes, isn't she lovely?
04:48And then we've got knowing me, I'm part of knowing you, Daniela Forrest.
04:55Well, that's the sexiest I think I've ever had.
04:59Oh, I just forgot. I normally kiss my guests when they first come on. It's just a thing I do.
05:05Not the men, I give them a firm handshake, but can we do that? Just do the kiss quickly?
05:10Oh, sure. Where do you want to kiss me, Alan? Peachy cheek or little round mouth?
05:16Little round mouth.
05:19Come on then.
05:20Oh, you naughty boy.
05:20You're going to kneel down?
05:21Yes.
05:23Right down?
05:27Oh.
05:27Oh.
05:30Yes.
05:34Right. Now, Daniela Forrest, you are Playboy's agony aunt and you've also
05:41just published your autobiography.
05:43Luck Be A Lady.
05:44There it is. That's the book. There we go. It's your autobiography. It's published by
05:48Jones. Never heard of them.
05:50What comes across very strongly is your understanding of male psychology.
05:58Well, I think I understand men because I adore them.
06:04What as a woman do you look for in a man?
06:09Power is attractive. Sensitivity.
06:15Sense of humor.
06:17I like a man who knows who he is.
06:21I'm Alan Partridge.
06:26I think the most important thing that I look for in a man is a fit, young body like a Greek god.
06:32Right.
06:34Yeah, that rules you out, Alan.
06:36Now, you also help people with their sexual problems.
06:40Let me give you a hypothetical problem.
06:42Yeah.
06:46There's a couple, right? They've been married 15, 16 years, maybe more.
06:50And they've never slept, neither of them have ever slept with anyone else.
06:55Well, she has. On one occasion, she said it was a mistake.
07:00She's a PE teacher at the local primary school, let's say.
07:04He, on the other hand, has been faithful. Solid as a rock, right? He's been tempted.
07:09Believe me, he's had offers.
07:11But he's never strayed.
07:15And he's frustrated.
07:17Yes, deeply, deeply.
07:18But that's only part of the problem.
07:20The real problem is that their sex life is, well, for want of a better word, moribund.
07:28People need to explore their sex lives if they're not working, you know?
07:32If it's not working in the bedroom, bring it into the living room or the kitchen.
07:36Yeah, well, they tried that, but the dog just wandered in.
07:39You see, some people, they find it very sexy to be watched.
07:45Not by the dog.
07:48Montgomery was frightened, he was just barking.
07:55Who's Montgomery?
08:01The man who masterminded the Battle of El Alamein.
08:04And the name of this hypothetical dog.
08:07Have you got a dog, Alan?
08:08Yes.
08:09And what's his name?
08:12Rommel.
08:16Well, perhaps you should get Rommel involved in your sex life.
08:18No, no, he's too old. He's blind in one eye, can't control his bladder.
08:21No, no, you're taking me too literally.
08:25Once again, here is a man shying away from discussing sex.
08:29When I was a man, I was a man of my word.
08:31Discussing sex.
08:33When I was a man, I used to have the same problem.
08:35But as a woman, I find that I am liberated.
08:39Well, I'm very pleased for you.
08:41Now...
08:43I was going to say, what?
08:45Who was a man?
08:46When I was a man.
08:48What are you talking about?
08:50Will you have read my book?
08:51Yeah, yes.
08:52No, no, I never read the books.
08:55Who was a man?
08:57Who did you think Daniel was in the photographs?
09:00I thought that was your twin brother.
09:02I was Daniel.
09:04I used to be a man.
09:05Oh.
09:07Oh, this is taking a turn.
09:10I can't believe you didn't know.
09:11I kissed you.
09:15Why did you invite me on your show?
09:16I thought you were sexy.
09:17I don't know.
09:18You're a bloke.
09:19I'm going to have to knock your block off.
09:21I'm not a woman.
09:22I'm a guest.
09:22Oh, God.
09:23You should be in a circus.
09:25Oh, oh.
09:26Well, you'd be in the front row.
09:28Oh.
09:28There he goes.
09:29There he goes, I should say.
09:31What do you want?
09:33No, no, no, no.
09:35Aha.
09:40On your way.
09:41I knew there was something dodgy about you.
09:43Your hands are a giveaway.
09:45You've got great big flapping hands like a bloke.
09:48You could be a goalkeeper.
09:53Oh, wow.
09:56That hasn't aged especially well, has it?
09:59Oh, my word.
10:00I mean, it was shocking.
10:02It was a shocking moment.
10:03I wasn't expecting it.
10:06And the awkwardness is funny.
10:10Obviously, if that was happening in real life,
10:12that is a very, very bad thing.
10:14I'm letting it slide because it is a comedy.
10:16But, whew, whew.
10:19Glenn, did you know it was a man?
10:21Yeah.
10:24Deb and Ed, did you know it was a man?
10:25Yes.
10:27Yeah, everyone knew apart from old Muggins Partridge.
10:30Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Forrest.
10:32Dan the man, Forrest.
10:41Thanks.
10:45It's time now for a new regular feature of the series
10:49called Knowing Me, Alan Partridge,
10:51Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge,
10:54in which I meet an ordinary member of the public who shares my name
10:57and is therefore entitled to membership of that exclusive club,
11:01Club Alan Partridge.
11:03This week's Other Alan Partridge works on a Sealink ferry.
11:07So, please welcome Petty Officer Alan Partridge.
11:14So, this could just be Are You Alan Partridge?
11:22Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Petty Officer Partridge.
11:27Aha.
11:28Now, Alan, you work on the Sealink ferry from Liverpool to Dublin
11:32and I imagine that that's the kind of job
11:35where there's an awful lot of camaraderie between the two of us.
11:40Is that the case?
11:45What do you keep doing that with your face for?
11:47Oh, it's a tick. I've got a facial tick.
11:49I'm sorry, I had absolutely no idea.
11:51No, it's all right. I've had it since I was a kid.
11:54Yeah.
11:55Fine. Now, Alan Partridge,
11:57I imagine your workmates tease you and josh with you.
12:00Is that the case?
12:01Yeah, yeah. They call me Tick Tock.
12:02Why is that?
12:02Because of me tick.
12:03No, God, no, no.
12:05I mean, do they tease you because your name's Alan Partridge?
12:08Oh, no, no.
12:08Right. I don't want to dwell on the tick.
12:10It doesn't bother me.
12:10What you choose to do with your face is your choice.
12:13It's fine. I like it. It suits you.
12:14It's good. There he is again.
12:17Okay. Well, I'm going to present you with this now.
12:20It's the Alan Partridge tie.
12:22Oh, that was a big one.
12:24The Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack.
12:29There we go. You take that, man.
12:31Thank you.
12:32I'll put the tie on if I can keep my head still.
12:39What a marvellous sense of humour.
12:42What a triumph of the human spirit.
12:45Ladies and gentlemen,
12:48Alan Partridge.
12:49Marvellous.
12:49Go on, go on.
13:03Last night, I met a man who quite literally changed my life.
13:07He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment.
13:10I, along with many others,
13:11witnessed his mystical powers last night at the London Palladium.
13:14Please welcome magician-hypnotist Tony Lemesma.
13:18Oh, I like magicians.
13:23Oh, my word.
13:29I remember him from, um, from the day to day.
13:37Behold the cage of Kathmandu.
13:41Cage of Kathmandu?
13:46The void of solitude.
13:50The dance of Diabolos.
13:57The shroud.
14:00Imagine if Alan's in there.
14:03The forces turned upon their axes.
14:07Or is it just going to go wrong?
14:10The summoning of the spirits of Thalamachus.
14:35Marvellous, marvellous.
14:37Tony, how did you do that?
14:39Simple, Alan, the power of the paranormal.
14:41Right, it's not a lever or anything.
14:43No.
14:45Well, you tell us more about that now.
14:47Um, Tina, I'll see you later for the wheel of death.
14:49Um, off you go.
14:51Oh, that's her doing it.
14:52Very nice.
14:53Don't, don't annoy her.
14:55Now, that is a woman.
14:56Okay, Tony.
14:57Oh, imagine if it's not.
14:58Tony Lemesma!
15:00Yeah, don't annoy her if she's going to be throwing knives at you, mate.
15:03Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tony Lemesma, aha.
15:09Aha.
15:11Buddha.
15:12Excuse me?
15:13The Dalai Lama.
15:14Nostradamus.
15:16That man the Beatles went to see.
15:20Yuri Geller.
15:21And now Tony Lemesma.
15:24What is it about you lot that sets you apart from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge?
15:31Well, we are all shaman on a spiritual quest.
15:36And we travel on this journey using the energy of the life force.
15:39Right.
15:40Now, this, this life force can take many forms, presumably,
15:45be it transcendental meditation, bending spoons, or producing a lady in a cage.
15:52That's exactly right, Alan.
15:54What we all do, we are all channelers.
15:56We channel energy from within to without.
15:59Right, now, I'm going to try and pin you down here.
16:01Can you be more specific?
16:03Please.
16:04I am a man who harnesses the harmony that is within us all.
16:07Now, that's more vague.
16:11I want you to be more specific.
16:14Let me put it like this, Alan.
16:15We have within us a consciousness which is only partially realised.
16:20I want us to realise it fully to exploit all the hidden recesses that are within us.
16:25Right, now, I think, I think...
16:27Are you saying that I, Alan Partridge, were to harness the harmony or spirits within me,
16:34and therefore, and then the beings around me,
16:37and somehow channel that energy up some sort of tubular conduit of consciousness
16:44into a cloud of...
16:49What the hell are you on about?
16:50I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.
16:51That's insane.
16:53I'm completely lost.
16:54Now, last night, at the London Palladium, you did a fantastic show.
16:58The highlight for me was when you hypnotised 20 people
17:00and got them to simulate sex to hi-ho silver lining.
17:05That's merely an example of how I get people to realise their inner potential.
17:09There's a marvellous bit where you had two men in their underpants barking like dogs.
17:13It's their subconscious desire that is coming to the fore.
17:16That's why I'm interested in the whole world of dreams.
17:19Right, now, now you're being interesting because...
17:23Now?
17:23Because I often have a recurring dream in which I am an owl.
17:29When you are an owl, how do you feel different?
17:33Smaller.
17:35More agile.
17:36Able to fly.
17:37Able to fly.
17:37Well, perhaps that means you want more freedom.
17:40And what else can you do as an owl?
17:42Now, I can rotate my head 360 degrees,
17:46which, you know, is a real boon when you're driving,
17:48because it eliminates the noise.
17:51You've got a point there.
17:52Okay, anything else you can do as an owl?
17:55Yes, I can emit pellets.
17:59You can shit on people.
18:00I can't help you there, sorry Alan.
18:03Oh, well, if anyone can shed some light on that,
18:06why I, Alan Partridge, might want to emit pellets as an owl.
18:09You want to shit on people?
18:10Drop us a line to the usual address,
18:12and don't forget to mark your envelope with the word pellets.
18:17That's going to go wrong, isn't it?
18:19We're going to have a bit of fun now,
18:20because, uh, Tony, you are going to hypnotize me.
18:24That's right.
18:24Oh, oh yes.
18:25This may take, um, may take a few minutes,
18:28so don't worry if it takes some time.
18:30Five, four, three, two, one.
18:35Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge is now totally hypnotized,
18:38totally in my control.
18:39Is that not so, Alan?
18:41Yes.
18:42Let's just put that to the test, shall we?
18:44Alan, when I say the word owl,
18:46I want you to be that owl you mentioned a moment ago,
18:49emitting a pellet and feeling very happy with yourself.
18:52Owl.
19:05Excellent.
19:05Now, now, whenever you hear the word ah-ha,
19:09I want you to be a little scary monster.
19:11Owl.
19:14Very good. Stop.
19:16Now, Alan, if you could make love to any woman in the world,
19:19apart from your good lady wife, who would that be?
19:22Ursula Andress.
19:23Who?
19:23Ursula Andress.
19:24Okay, when I click my fingers,
19:26I want you to see me as Ursula Andress.
19:29Well, Ursula, I've always wanted to meet you.
19:32I can't believe it's you.
19:33I like the bikini. Very nice.
19:35I love all your films.
19:37I've got all of them from Doctor No right through to all the others.
19:42Enough of this, Alan.
19:43Is there somewhere we can go where we can make mad, passionate love?
19:46Oh, God.
19:48Yes, the Moat House Hotel in High Wycombe.
19:52They know me there.
19:54They're very discreet.
19:56You'll love it.
19:56It's got a 24-hour car.
19:58Stop.
20:01Alan, when I click my fingers again,
20:03we will be in your car on the way to High Wycombe.
20:05That'll take about 15, 20 minutes.
20:07That's all.
20:08Will you just pull over now and make love in a lay-by, please, Alan?
20:11I can't stop on the motorway.
20:12That's the hard shoulder. It's illegal.
20:14But, Alan, I'm begging you, please.
20:16Ursula, it's an offence to stop on the hard shoulder
20:20unless there's a malfunction with the car.
20:23Alan, I'm taking my top off, please.
20:25Look, if I get caught in flagrante whilst violating the Highway Code,
20:31my wife will find out.
20:32I'll get three points on my license.
20:34My insurance premium could go up by 30%.
20:36That's not going to happen.
20:38Put your top on and get out.
20:40Go, go.
20:41Well, as I say, it'll take a few seconds before I'm totally hypnotised.
20:47It's all over, Alan.
20:48You've hypnotised?
20:49Yes, all finished.
20:51Well, I hope you didn't make me look too foolish.
20:52No.
20:54Of course I didn't, Alan.
20:56Never.
20:57Tony, we'll see you later for the Wheel of Death.
21:00It simply remains for me to say thank you very much, Tony Le Mesma.
21:07Aha.
21:08Now, Hollywood is much, much more than nine big letters on a hill.
21:16It's a sexy, dangerous place.
21:19A hustling, wheeling, dealing kind of town where money talks and nonsense walks.
21:25I've never been there, but my next guests have
21:27because they are a British married couple of actors
21:30who live and work in Tinseltown stateside.
21:34I want to get to know them.
21:35I do, I do, I do, I do.
21:38Please welcome Gary Barker and Tonya Beaumont.
21:43Okay.
21:46Oh, here we go.
21:48Again, Paul Casper on the day-to-day.
22:00Ah, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tonya Beaumont, aha.
22:04Argh.
22:09Haha.
22:10Aha.
22:12Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Gary Barker, aha.
22:14Argh.
22:19Aha.
22:22Now, unusually, you requested to come onto my show.
22:27And fortunately, the scheduled guest, Ian McShane, TV's lovejoy,
22:31had to pull out at the last minute due to an emergency.
22:33He's had to fly to Spain to do a coffee advert.
22:36Now, you've asked to come on to make a public statement.
22:41This is your platform.
22:42Please be my guest.
22:45Well, um, as you know, Alan, there's been a lot of speculation
22:48in the press about the state of our marriage.
22:50Yeah, well, I know.
22:50I mean, I've had that kind of bad treatment in the press myself.
22:53Do you know Philip Parsons on The Times?
22:55He, he described the show as moribund.
22:57You know, I mean, and Philip Parsons, if you're watching,
23:00in five minutes time, I will be strapped to a wheel of death
23:04and you will have a plate with some words on it, a knife and fork.
23:11Better come out right at the end.
23:15Sorry, Tanya.
23:16Well, we just wanted really to...
23:17But what I'm trying to say is you're going to eat your words.
23:19There we go.
23:21Sorry.
23:21Sorry, Tanya.
23:22We really just want to say to the tabloid press,
23:25look, you know, we're very much married.
23:27There's a lot of real news out there.
23:29There's poverty, there's homelessness.
23:31Please, you know, report that.
23:34Leave us alone.
23:34We're just ordinary people who happen to make movies.
23:37Lovely, lovely.
23:41Gary, do you want to add anything?
23:44No.
23:44Yeah.
23:46Are you all right?
23:49Doing drugs.
23:50I'm just, I'm just wondering about the, the glasses.
23:52You're not going to stye or anything?
23:58No.
23:59Hmm.
24:00Um, Tanya.
24:02No, sorry, is he wearing those to look cool?
24:04Yes, he is.
24:05Yeah, yeah.
24:06Gary, like the glasses, very cool.
24:07Where'd you get them?
24:08Auction.
24:09They were James Dean's shades.
24:11He died in them.
24:13They look quite small.
24:15No wonder he lost control of the car.
24:23Now, you've both just flown in from Hollywood.
24:26Um, what's it like to be back in good old London?
24:29Oh, it's, it's such a relief to be back here amongst ordinary people, you know.
24:33Right, where are you staying?
24:33The Savoy.
24:34My.
24:35Of course.
24:36Who's, uh, who's paying?
24:38You are.
24:40Is that true?
24:43Yes, yes, yes, we are.
24:44Well, enjoy yourselves.
24:46Enjoy the minibar.
24:47Easy on the room service.
24:48Chicken in a basket, that's your lot.
24:52No, um, no, seriously, have a drink, have a drink.
24:54Just, just don't go mad, that's all.
24:57Some people, they empty the minibar into a carrier bag.
25:00That's not on it.
25:02I'll tell you something.
25:02We had Roger Moore on the show the other week.
25:04They did.
25:05Between you and me, if it wasn't nailed to the floor, it was going back to Switzerland.
25:10He even took a towel.
25:13Roger Moore is a towel thief.
25:16He's my godfather.
25:17Really?
25:18It's a lovely man, lovely man.
25:21Um, Gary.
25:22Now, but he is a towel thief.
25:24Yes.
25:25Gary, um, you, you are known as the wild man of Hollywood.
25:31Some of the wild things you've done.
25:32I've got some here.
25:33Now, Gary, believe it or not, he sawed the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar.
25:39He drove a Harley Davidson motorcycle into Bruce Willis's patio doors.
25:43What else have you done?
25:45Punch Jessica Tandy.
25:46Yeah, that was nasty, that was nasty.
25:49Yeah, it says it, it says it, you also threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat.
25:57No, no, other way around.
26:01You threw a cat at Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle.
26:04No, no, I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
26:07That's what I said.
26:08No, you said I threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat.
26:13I didn't.
26:13I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
26:17Well, okay, we're splitting hairs now.
26:22It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle.
26:24Right, it was Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
26:28So whose copper kettle was it?
26:31Yours.
26:32Jessica Tandy's.
26:34Was this before or after you punched her?
26:36About the same time.
26:38The incidents were related.
26:40Oh.
26:40Oh, dear.
26:42Um, Tanya, has he, uh, has he ever thrown a copper kettle at you?
26:45No, no, it's one of the few things he's never thrown at me.
26:48Really?
26:49Joke.
26:49Right.
26:49I was gonna say.
26:51Tanya's breasts.
26:53Now, sorry, that's just my notes.
26:55What?
26:59Now, you're one of those great actresses who, if the role demands it,
27:04you're quite prepared to expose yourself.
27:08Oh, right.
27:09Well, I'm glad you value my acting so highly.
27:11I do.
27:12Your name attached to a film is a seal of quality.
27:14It's a guarantee that says,
27:16come along, see the film, lads.
27:18You won't go home empty-handed, so to speak.
27:25I really think that my films are more than just titillation.
27:32I can only suggest that if you wish to go and see Tanya's unexpurgated adult breast show,
27:37that, uh, that you pop down to the local cinema or, um, or marry her.
27:45I reckon it's gonna hit him.
27:45That's no guarantee.
27:54Grow up.
27:55Oh.
27:56I am grown up.
27:56Well, act it.
27:57You're an actor, I believe.
27:59Good point, actually, Tanya.
28:01Gary, we were going to show a clip from one of your films,
28:03but the last film you did was an action film three years ago that starred Bill Seeger,
28:10and I've never heard of him.
28:11I was gonna say, never have I.
28:13I've never heard of you.
28:15I'm Alan Partridge.
28:18Let's talk about what you did before you went into acting.
28:20That's easier.
28:23Gary, Tanya tipped us off about this.
28:25I believe you used to be a mobile office equipment maintenance engineer.
28:32Briefly.
28:32Well, three years.
28:34Got the sack.
28:36No, you're lying.
28:37You were awarded mobile office equipment maintenance engineer of the month.
28:40Well done.
28:41You still got the sack.
28:43I've actually got a broken photocopier at my office in Norwich.
28:47Do you think you can fix that?
28:49You think I'm going to go to Norwich to mend your photocopier?
28:52Yeah.
28:52There's no need, because Mohammed...
28:56Mohammed has moved the mountain to you.
29:01It's not literally a mountain.
29:02It's a photocopier.
29:04Although, coincidentally, it was driven here in a white Bedford Astromax by a man called Mohammed.
29:09Ladies and gentlemen, please bring on the broken photocopier.
29:18He ain't going to do it, is he?
29:19He's going to stub his back out in his eye.
29:21Gary, Gary, we've got the photocopier.
29:23Will you rise to Alan's challenge and mend it?
29:27No.
29:27No.
29:29Do you want him to mend the photocopier?
29:33Come on, mend it.
29:33I don't believe you can mend it.
29:35Of course I can mend it.
29:36I don't believe you.
29:37What model is it?
29:39Z... Z60.
29:41Mono or multi-feed?
29:42Mono-feed.
29:44Easy.
29:44Prove it.
29:53Free labour.
29:58Yeah, it hasn't been reset after a paper jam.
30:00It's basic.
30:01Really?
30:02Yeah.
30:03That's interesting.
30:03See this?
30:04Yeah.
30:04Where do you put your paperclips?
30:06Just normally just around on the table or whatever.
30:08They get lost.
30:08Stick them there.
30:11How will they stay?
30:15How will they stay?
30:16Yeah.
30:16Magnetic.
30:17That's interesting.
30:18Nice little feature, worth knowing.
30:21Yeah, it's a good machine, this.
30:23Here you go.
30:23Should have no trouble.
30:25I don't do that shit anymore.
30:27Oh, look, he's mended it.
30:28It's ready.
30:35Please say there's something embarrassing on there
30:36and then we get to see it.
30:37Well, Gary, not to worry.
30:39I'm going to put the smile back on your face
30:41because I'm going to present you with an Alan Partridge
30:43tie and blazer badge combination pack.
30:45He's so thrilled at that.
30:55Tanya, domestic tip.
30:56What if you can actually get that on?
30:57When you're stitching that on,
30:58it's got an adhesive behind it,
31:00so in actual fact, you can simply iron it on.
31:03Wonderful.
31:04And then do the stitching later if you want.
31:05Labour saving.
31:06It's labour saving.
31:08What are you doing?
31:09For God's sake.
31:10Just burst into flame.
31:12What did you do that for?
31:13Spontaneous combustion.
31:14You ruined it.
31:16Sorry.
31:19How much did those glasses cost?
31:20$15,000.
31:22You touch them, I'll break your legs.
31:24What are you doing?
31:27Stupid bitch.
31:29I'm stupid.
31:30I'm stupid.
31:30You're sitting there with a spider on your head
31:31and I'm stupid.
31:32I mean, what a perfect thing to do.
31:34These are my James Dean-
31:35I don't give a fuck.
31:36You're watching Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge.
31:40Live chat as it happens.
31:42A bit of money, that might be quite good.
31:43And then you can afford to buy a new pair.
31:45Yeah, you've got a problem.
31:46Shall I tell people what your problem is?
31:47No, no, don't.
31:48Oh, please.
31:49Please tell us what his problem is.
31:50Shall I tell them?
31:51Do you know what Gary's problem is?
31:52Please.
31:53No, please tell me.
31:56Well, Gary's problem is that he's impotent.
31:58What?
31:59Gary's impotent.
32:01Is this true, Gary?
32:02I'll take that as a yes.
32:07Tanya, that explains why you sleep around.
32:13That explains why you're known as the bike of Beverly Hills.
32:18I think this is quite a serious matter.
32:20Let's change the tone and handle this in a rather more sensitive way.
32:24Let's lower the lights.
32:27I think, really, it's time that
32:31we ended this farcical facade of a marriage,
32:36which I presume is unconsummated.
32:38Tanya?
32:39Yes.
32:41And Gary?
32:42Yeah, obviously.
32:44Yes, yes, of course.
32:48The marriage has now been rent in twain.
32:50It has been put asunder.
32:51It is moribund.
32:52So, as regards the Alan Pottage tie and blazer badge combination pack,
32:57which you destroyed, don't worry about that.
33:00We've got dozens of them.
33:01If you wish, I'll send another one by first post to you.
33:04Would you like that as a memento of this evening?
33:07Yeah.
33:11Well, I think this has been a painful experience for all of us.
33:17It simply remains for me to say,
33:18knowing me, Alan Pottage, knowing you, Tanya and Gary,
33:21ah-ha.
33:30Well, the wheel has turned full circle for Tanya and Gary,
33:38but the wheels that turn this crazy, often unpredictable vehicle,
33:41my vehicle, my show,
33:43they keep turning, which brings me neatly on to the final section of the show,
33:48which has to happen, nothing can stop that,
33:50as I rise to meet my own challenge.
33:54Alan Pottage on the wheel of death.
33:57Yes!
33:58Will you please welcome back, with his wheel of death,
34:01magic man Tony Lemesma and Tina.
34:14Ladies and gentlemen,
34:16every evening as part of my show at the Palladium,
34:18which runs until the end of this month,
34:21I get a member of the audience up onto the stage
34:24and I ask them to overcome their fears on the wheel of death.
34:28Tonight, Alan will be that person.
34:31How do you feel, Alan?
34:32Confident.
34:33I am risking my life for chat.
34:36Oh, by the way, Philip Parsons, if you're watching,
34:39get a knife and fork and a plate,
34:41put your words on that plate,
34:43add a bit of humble pie and eat it.
34:45Nice.
34:46Better.
34:47Commence spinning the wheel of death.
34:51As the wheel of death commences its inexorable spin,
34:55Tony Lemesma prepares to unleash the deadly daggers of Damazon.
35:02I've changed my mind.
35:02I've changed my mind.
35:04Drum roll, please.
35:07I've changed my mind.
35:07We'll do it next week.
35:08There isn't time.
35:08We'll do it next week.
35:09Oh!
35:14God, hate him!
35:15Stupid man!
35:16Please!
35:17God!
35:18No!
35:19All right, Philip Parsons, you're right.
35:21The show is boring.
35:24I've done it!
35:30On that bombshell, it's time for me to say,
35:34knowing me Alan Partridge,
35:36knowing you, freak woman man,
35:38knowing you, the slut actress,
35:40and Mr. Floppy, the actor.
35:41Oh, by the way.
35:42And knowing you, Mr. Li-
35:44Hang on, is he wet himself?
35:46Good night!
35:47Is that a shadow or has he pissed himself?
35:50I think he has.
35:51I think he's peed himself, hasn't he?
35:53Look at his trousers.
35:55Oh, my God!
35:58I'm pretty sure he's wet himself.
36:00Can someone get me on the wheel now?
36:02Max, I've done it!
36:06Can we get him on the wheel, sir?
36:09Naomi, Naomi!
36:11Just get me off!
36:12Naomi, now!
36:14Get me off!
36:15Get me off!
36:16It's over now.
36:17I'm going to get the bus.
36:18My trousers are wet!
36:21Oh, yes!
36:22He said it!
36:23My trousers are wet!
36:25So he did wet himself.
36:26He was that scared.
36:27Oh, wow!
36:30That episode was definitely better than the first one.
36:35The first one was pretty solid.
36:38You know, it set off a good groundwork for the show.
36:42But this has literally taken it up a couple of levels there.
36:47Really, really, really enjoyed that episode.
36:52I am looking forward to seeing more of Alan Partridge.
36:56Obviously, I'm doing it on a monthly basis through to November.
37:00And then in December, I will do the Christmas special,
37:03which was Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge.
37:07So we've got to stay tuned for that.
37:10Let me know what your thoughts were.
37:12Which of the two episodes you thought was better?
37:14I definitely think this is definitely the better one of the two.
37:16And hopefully, it just gets stronger, stronger, stronger as the episodes go on.
37:22I'm really looking forward to that one.
37:24But for today, my name's Kevin.
37:26I am a geek.
37:27You are watching Kevin the Geek.
37:29Aha!
37:30From me.
37:31Goodbye.