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FunTranscript
00:00and
00:01transport you to a
00:03designated
00:04resettlement
00:06facility oh
00:08really
00:09You and what army?
00:11Oh
00:25Can I say something
00:28Listen you was really really something back there
00:31Incredible are you talking to?
00:36Me
00:39Wow yes, I was talking to you
00:41Can I just tell you that you was really great back there man those God?
00:45They thought it was all of that then you showed up and bam
00:48It was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods see that that that really made me feel good to see that
00:53Oh, that's great. Really man. It's good to be free now. Why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?
01:02hmm
01:04but uh I
01:06Don't have any friends
01:08And I'm not going out there by myself
01:11Hey, wait a minute. I got a great idea. I'll stick with you
01:15You a mean green fight machine together. We'll scare to spit out anybody that crosses us
01:27That was really scary
01:29And if you don't mind me saying if that don't work your breath certainly we get the job done cause you definitely need some tic-tacs
01:36Or something cuz your breath stinks
01:39Man, you almost burned a hair out of my nose just like the time
01:46And then I ate some rotten berries man had some strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Why are you following me?
01:55I'll tell you why
01:59Cause I'm all alone
02:02There's no one here
02:05beside me
02:07My problems have all gone. There's no one to do right me
02:16But you gotta have
02:22Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends
02:26Wow
02:27Only a true friend would be that truly honest listen little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
02:37Oh
02:41Really tall no
02:43I'm an ogre. You know grab your torch and pitchforks
02:49Doesn't that bother you
02:53Nope
02:56Really really really oh man, I like you. What's your name?
03:03Uh
03:05Shrek
03:07Shrek
03:09Well, you know what? I like about you Shrek. You got that kind of I don't care what nobody thinks of me thing
03:15I like that. I respect that Shrek. You all right
03:22That you want to live in a place like that
03:27That would be my home. Oh
03:31And it is lovely just beautiful, you know, you are quite a decorator
03:36It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I
03:39Like that boulder. That is a nice boulder
03:50I guess you don't entertain much. Do you I like my privacy
03:56You know, I do too that's another thing we have in common like I hate it when you got somebody in your face
04:01You're trying to give them a hint. They won't leave and then there's that big awkward silence, you know
04:11Can I stay with you
04:13What?
04:14Can I stay with you?
04:16please of
04:18cars
04:20Really? No
04:25Freak
04:26Well, maybe you do but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay, please
04:33Okay
04:35Okay
04:42We can see if late swapping manly stories in the morning I'm making waffles
04:48Oh
04:50Where do I sleep outside? Oh
04:56I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you you don't know me. So I guess outside is best
05:11Good night
05:14I
05:16Mean I do like the outdoors. I'm a dunk. I was born outside
05:21Sitting by myself outside
05:27I'm all alone. There's no
05:43I
06:13I
06:43I
06:55Thought I told you to stay outside
06:57I
07:09Well gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have
07:16Just fine
07:28Is that you Gorda, how did you know enough what are you doing in my house?
07:39No, no, no dead brought off the table
07:51What
07:53In a swamp I put up signs, I'm a terrifying
07:59What do I have to do to get a little play?
08:24And what are you doing in my swamp?
08:40All right, get out of here
08:53Oh
08:57You don't look at me I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us what?
09:03We were forced to come here by who Lord Farquaad
09:09He walked on he popped on he
09:12signed an eviction notice
09:16All right
09:18Who knows where this?
09:21far quad guy is
09:24Oh, I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him?
09:34Anyone at all me me anyone Oh pick me. Oh, I know I know me me
09:43Okay, fine
09:46Attention all
09:48fairy tale things
09:52Do not get comfortable
09:54Your welcome is officially worn out
09:57In fact, I'm gonna see this guy far quad right now and get you all off my land and back
10:05Where you came from?
10:07Oh
10:18Yeah
10:20You're coming with me
10:25Checking Duncan to stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big city event
10:32On the road again
10:35Thank You in the shape I can't wait to get on the road again
10:39What did I say about singing? Okay, not with no. Well, can I hum it? All right
11:05Oh
11:24That's enough he's ready to talk
11:34Hahaha
11:45Run run run as fast as you can you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man
11:54Monster I'm not the monster here
11:56You are you and the rest of that fairytale trash poisoning my perfect world
12:02now tell me where are the others I've tried to be fair to you creatures now my
12:13patience has reached its end tell me all right then who's hiding them okay I'll
12:25tell you do you know the muffin man the muffin man the muffin man yes I know the
12:34muffin man who lives on Drury Lane well she's married to the muffin man the
12:41muffin man she's married to the muffin man my lord we found it well then what
12:51are you waiting for bring it in
13:12magic mirror evening mirror mirror on the wall is this not the most perfect
13:29kingdom of them all well technically you're not a king Thelonious you were
13:40saying what I mean is that you're not a king yet but but you can become one all
13:46you have to do is marry a princess go on so just sit back and relax my lord
13:57because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes and here
14:04they are bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom
14:11far far away she likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime her hobbies include
14:17cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters please welcome Cinderella
14:25bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy
14:29although she lives with seven other men she's not easy just kiss her dead frozen
14:34lips and find out what a live wire she is come on give it up for snow white and
14:42last but certainly not least bachelorette number three is a fiery
14:47redhead from a dragon guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava but don't
14:52let that cool you off she's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and
14:56getting caught in the rain yours for the rescuing princess Fiona so will it
15:04be bachelorette number one bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three
15:12okay okay number three Lord Farquaad you've chosen princess Fiona
15:31Fiona she's perfect all I have to do is just find someone but I probably should
15:48mention the little thing that happens at night I'll do it yes but after sunset
15:52silence I will make this princess Fiona my queen and you lock will finally have
16:00the perfect King captain assemble your finest men we're going to have a
16:07tournament but that's it that's it right there that's do la I told you I find it
16:19so that must be Lord Farquaad's castle that's the place do you think maybe he's
16:29compensating for something hey wait wait up Shrek
16:41hey you wait a second look I'm not gonna eat yeah
17:11it's quiet
17:41too quiet where is everybody hey look at this
18:41Wow let's do that again no no no no
19:12all right you're going the right way for a smack-bottom sorry about that
19:21that champion shall have the honor no no the privilege to go forth and rescue the
19:30lovely princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon if for any reason the
19:40winner is unsuccessful the first runner-up will take his place and so on
19:48and so forth some of you may die but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make
19:58the tournament begin
20:12what is that oh it's hideous oh that's not very nice it's just a donkey
20:26indeed Knights new plan the one who kills the ogre will be named champion
20:34how about him come on can't we just settle this over a pint
20:52all right then come on
21:34Oh
22:04thank you thank you very much I'm here till Thursday
22:33the veal shall I give the order sir no
22:50people of you lock I give you our champion
22:59congratulations over you've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble
23:06quest quest I'm already on a quest a quest to get my swamp back your swamp
23:14yeah my swamp where you dumped those fairy-tale creatures indeed all right
23:24ogre I'll make you a deal go on this quest for me and I'll give you your
23:30swamp back exactly the way it was down to the last slime-covered toadstool and
23:38the squatters as good as gone what kind of quest okay let me get this
23:52straight you're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so far
23:56quarter give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it
24:00full of freaks in the first place is that about right you know what maybe
24:04there's a good reason donkey shouldn't talk I don't get it Shrek why don't you
24:10just pull some of that ogre stuff on him you know throttle him lay siege to his
24:13fortress grind his bones to make your bridge you know the whole ogre trip oh I
24:19know what maybe I could have decapitate an entire village and put their heads on
24:25a pipe got the knife cut open their spleen and drink their fluids does that
24:32sound good to you no not really no for your information there's a lot more to
24:40ogres and people think example example okay um ogres are like onions they
24:53stink yes no oh they make you cry no oh you leave them out in the Sun they get
24:58all brown start sprouting little white hairs no layers onions have layers ogres
25:07have layers onions have layers you get it we both have layers oh you both have
25:17layers oh you know not everybody like onions cake everybody loves cakes cakes
25:27have layers I don't care what everyone likes ogres are not like cakes you know
25:41what else everybody like parfait have you ever met a person you say hey let's
25:46get some parfait they say hey I don't know I don't like no parfait parfait is
25:49delicious no you dance irritating miniature beast of burden ogres are like onions end of
25:58story bye-bye see you later parfait may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet
26:12you know I think I preferred your humming do you have a tissue or something because I'm making a
26:18mess just a word parfait made me start slobbering
26:29I'm on my way from misery to happiness to thee
26:39I'm on my way from misery to happiness to thee
26:49and everything that you receive up yonder
26:54is what you give to me the day I wonder
26:59I'm on my way
27:04I'm on my way
27:06Oh Shrek did you do that man you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off my mouth
27:19was opening everything believe me donkey if it was me you'd be dead it's brimstone we must be
27:29getting close yeah right brimstone don't be talking about mr. brimstone I know what I smell
27:36there wasn't no brimstone and come off no stone neither
28:00sure it's big enough but look at the location
28:06Shrek remember when you said that the ogres have layers oh I well I have a bit of a confession to
28:24donkeys don't have layers we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves
28:28wait a second donkeys don't have sleeves you know what I mean oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights
28:37no I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava
28:43come on donkey I'm right here beside you okay for emotional support
28:51we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time really really really okay that makes me feel so much better
29:02just keep moving and don't look down look down look down
29:08keep on moving and don't look down don't look down keep on moving and don't look down
29:15Shrek I'm looking down oh god I can't do this just let me off right now please
29:23but you're already half way yeah but I know that half is safe
29:27okay fine I don't have time for this you go back Shrek no wait
29:32just donkey go on let's have a dance then shall we donkey go on
29:38oh I'm sorry do what oh yes yes yes do it okay
29:52no Shrek no stop it stop it oh god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die Shrek I'm gonna die
30:03oh that'll do donkey that'll do
30:16cool
30:18so where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway
30:22inside waiting for us to rescue her
30:26I was talking about the dragon Shrek
30:47are you afraid
30:53no but
30:56shh oh good me neither
31:00well of course there's nothing wrong with being afraid you know fear is a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation
31:10unfamiliar dangerous situation I might add and with a dragon that breathes fire and ignites and breathes fire
31:16it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared you know what I mean
31:20cause I sure as heck ain't no coward I know that
31:26donkey two things okay shot up
31:33now go over there and see if you can find any stairs
31:37stairs I thought we was looking for the princess the princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower
31:46what makes you think she'll be there I read it in a book once
31:51cool you handle the dragon I'll handle the stairs
31:56I'll find those stairs I'll whip they but to that's right those stairs won't know which way they go
32:08take drastic steps kick to the curb don't mess with me I'm the stair master I've mastered the stairs I wish I had a step right here right here and that step all over
32:23well at least we know where the princess is but where's the dragon
32:32whoa
32:50donkey look out
33:02whoa
33:08gotcha
33:15whoa
33:24oh
33:32oh
33:35oh
33:55oh no no oh what large teeth you have
34:03I mean white sparkling teeth I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something cause that is one dazzling smile you got there
34:13and do I detect a hint of minty freshness and you know what else you know what else you're
34:21a girl dragon oh sure I mean of course you're a girl dragon cause you're just reeking of feminine beauty
34:34what's the matter with you you got something in your eye
34:37yeah oh man I'd really love to stay but you know I'm a I'm an asthmatic and I don't know if it'll work out you gonna be blowing smoke rains and stuff
34:49Shrek!
34:54No! Shrek! Shrek!
35:19Shrek!
35:40wake up what are you princess Fiona
35:45I am awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me
35:51oh that's nice now let's go
35:54but wait sir knight this beeth our first meeting should it not be a wonderful romantic moment
36:04yeah sorry lady there's no time
36:07wait what are you doing you know you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed
36:17you've had a lot of time to plan this haven't you
36:21but we have to stay for this moment you could recite an epic poem for me a ballad a sonnet a library or something
36:38I don't think so
36:40well can I at least know the name of my champion
36:46um Shrek
36:49sir Shrek
36:53I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude
37:00thanks
37:07you didn't slay the dragon
37:10it's on my to-do list now come on
37:13but this isn't right
37:15wait you're meant to charge in sword drawn banner fight
37:20that's what all the other knights did
37:22yeah right before they burst into flame
37:25no that's not the point
37:29wait where are you going the exit's over there
37:33well I have to save my ass
37:36what kind of knight are you
37:40one of a kind
37:46I believe it's healthy to get to know someone
37:49a long period of time
37:51just call me old fashioned you know
37:54I don't rush into a physical relationship
37:59I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of this magnitude
38:05really is the word I'm looking for magnitude
38:08hey that is unwanted physical contact
38:11hey what are you doing
38:14okay okay okay let's just back up a little
38:17and take this one step at a time
38:19I mean we really should get to know each other first
38:21you know as friends or maybe even as pen pals
38:24because I'm on the road a lot but I just love receiving cards
38:27oh hey you know I really love reading
38:32hey hey hey don't do that that's my tag
38:34that's my personal tag
38:35oh you gonna tear it off
38:37I don't give permission to
38:39hey what are you gonna do with that
38:41okay I'm moving
38:43no no no no no no no no
38:46no no no no
39:11hi princess
39:23it talks
39:24yeah it's getting them to shut up that's the trick
39:57okay you two head for the exit
40:19take care of the dragon
40:29oh
40:43oh
41:05oh
41:19oh
41:34you rescued me you're amazing you're you're wonderful
41:39you're a little unorthodox I'll admit
41:45but thy deed is great and thine heart is pure
41:52I am eternally in your debt
41:57and where would a brave knight be without his noble steed
42:02all right I hope you heard that she called me a noble steed
42:05she think I'm a steed
42:09the battle is won
42:11you may remove your helmet good sir knight
42:15ah no
42:17why not
42:18I I have helmet hair
42:21please I would look upon the face of my rescuer
42:25oh no you wouldn't
42:28but how will you kiss me
42:32what
42:34that wasn't in the job description
42:37maybe it's a perk
42:39no it's destiny
42:42oh you must know how it goes
42:45a princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight
42:54and then they share true love's first kiss
42:58with shrek you think wait
43:02you think that shrek is your true love
43:05well yes
43:10you think shrek is your true love
43:16what is so funny
43:19let's just say I'm not your type okay
43:22of course you are you're my rescuer
43:26now now remove your helmet
43:29look I really don't think this is a good idea
43:32just take off the helmet
43:34I'm not going to
43:35take it off
43:36no
43:37now
43:38okay easy as you command your highness
43:53you're an ogre
44:02oh you're expecting prince charming
44:07well yes actually
44:10oh no this is all wrong
44:16you're not supposed to be an ogre
44:20princess I was sent to rescue you by lord farquaad okay
44:26he's the one who wants to marry you
44:29well then why didn't he come rescue me
44:32good question you should ask him that when we get there
44:36but I have to be rescued by my true love
44:40not by some ogre and his pet
44:44well so much for noble steve
44:47look princess you're not making my job any easier
44:50well I'm sorry but your job is not my problem
44:54you can tell lord farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly
45:01I'll be waiting for him right here
45:04hey I'm no one's messenger boy
45:07all right
45:09I'm a delivery boy
45:11you wouldn't dare
45:15you're coming don't care
45:17oh yep I'm right behind you
45:19put me down or you will suffer the consequences
45:23this is not dignified put me down
45:31okay so here's another question
45:33say there's a woman that digs you right but you don't really like her that way
45:37now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt
45:40but you don't get burned to a crisp and eat
45:42how do you do that
45:44you tell her she's not your true love
45:47everyone knows what happens when you find your
45:50hey
45:54the sooner we get to Duloc the better
45:57oh yeah you're gonna love it there princess it's beautiful
46:00and what of my groom to be lord farquaad what's he like
46:05well let me put it this way princess
46:09women of farquaad stature are in short supply
46:15oh no shrek there are those who think little of him
46:24stop it stop it both of you
46:27you know you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like lord farquaad
46:33yeah well maybe you're right princess
46:37but i'll let you do the measuring when you see him tomorrow
46:41tomorrow
46:44it'll take that long
46:47shouldn't we stop to make camp
46:49no that'll take longer
46:52we can keep going
46:54but there's robbers in the woods
46:58whoa time out shrek camping's definitely starting to sound good
47:02hey come on i'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest
47:07i need to find somewhere to camp now
47:19hey over here
47:22shrek we can do better than that
47:24now i don't think this is fit for a princess
47:27no no it's perfect it just needs a few homie touches
47:31homie touches like what
47:38a door
47:40well gentlemen i bid thee good night
47:43um you want me to come in there and read you a bedtime story because i will
47:46i said good night
47:52shrek what are you doing
47:57oh come on i was just kidding
48:08and uh that one that's throwback the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields
48:17right yeah
48:22hey can you tell my future from these stars
48:25well the stars don't tell the future donkey they tell stories
48:30look there's bloodnut the flatulent
48:34you can guess what he's famous for
48:37all right now i know you're making this up
48:39no look there he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench
48:46man that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots
48:49you know donkey sometimes things are more than they appear
48:57forget it
49:04hey shrek what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway
49:08our swamp
49:10you know when we threw rescuing the princess and all that stuff
49:13we donkey there's no we there's no our
49:18there's just me and my swamp
49:22and the first thing i'm gonna do is build a 10 foot wall around my land
49:29you cut me deep shrek you cut me real deep just now
49:35you know what i think i think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out
49:42no do you think
49:46are you hiding something never mind donkey
49:50oh this is another one of those onion things isn't it
49:54no this is one of those drop it and leave it alone things
49:59why don't you want to talk about it
50:00why do you want to talk about it
50:03why are you blocking
50:04i'm not blocking
50:06oh yes you are
50:07donkey i'm warning you
50:08who are you trying to keep out just tell me that shrek who
50:11everyone okay
50:15oh now we getting somewhere
50:18oh for the love of pete
50:21hey what's your problem shrek what you got against the whole world anyway
50:25look i'm not the one with the problem okay it's the world that seems to have a problem with me
50:32people take one look at me and go ah help run
50:37a big stupid ugly ogre
50:43they judge me before they even know me
50:47that's why i'm better off alone
51:01you know what when we met i didn't think he was just a big stupid ugly ogre
51:09yeah i know
51:12so uh are there any donkeys up there
51:17well there's um gabby the small and annoying
51:24okay okay i see i see it now yeah the big shining one right there right that that one there
51:30that's the moon
51:32oh okay
51:35shrek
51:37oh now what does he want
51:44hi everyone having a good time are you
51:49i love duloc first of all pretty clean
51:52what are you doing here
51:54really it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you but showing up uninvited to a wedding
52:01fiona i need to talk to you
52:04oh now you want to talk well it's a little late for that so if you'll excuse me
52:10but you can't marry him
52:12and why not
52:14because because he's just marrying you so he can be king
52:18outrageous fiona don't listen
52:22he's not your true love
52:24what do you know about true love
52:26well i uh i mean
52:30oh this is precious
52:33the ogre has fallen in love with the princess
52:39oh good lord
52:41an ogre and a princess
52:51shrek
52:53is this true
52:56who cares it's preposterous
53:00fiona my love we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after now kiss me
53:13by night one way by day another
53:20i wanted to show you before
53:26oh
53:52well
53:55that explains a lot
53:57oh it's disgusting
54:01guards guards i order you to get them out of my sight
54:06now get them get them both
54:10focus focus focus
54:12nothing in this marriage is binding and that makes me king
54:16see see
54:18shrek
54:20stand there you morons
54:22get out of my way if you have to
54:24forget it
54:40and as for you my wife
54:42i'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days
54:48i will have order
54:50i will have perfection
54:52i will have
55:01all right nobody move
55:03i got a dragon here and i'm not afraid to use it
55:07i'm a donkey on the edge
55:11oh
55:15celebrity marriages they never last do they
55:22go here shrek
55:25uh fiona
55:29yes shrek
55:32i
55:35i love you
55:38really
55:42really really
55:46i love you too