Men Behaving Badly. S01 E04. Animals.
First broadcast 10th May 1992.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Nick Maloney ... Mr. Trembly
Louise Hunt ... Kate
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Nick Maloney ... Mr. Trembly
Louise Hunt ... Kate
Transcript
00:00You
00:30You
00:53Thank You Paula nice skills that could have been explosive
01:00We'll take a different situation now, uh, what's your name?
01:04Dermot where's your name badge Dermot? I thought they were optional
01:09I'm wearing mine, aren't I? Yeah
01:13It's lovely
01:16Does that tell us anything about name badges Dermot? I don't know mr. Trembly
01:22It
01:26Suggests they're meant to be worn doesn't it? What does it suggest Dermot? No, it's gone again
01:35So you're hoping to make a career in retailing are you yeah, let's the market for new ventriloquist picks up again
01:46Good now I've bought a new umbrella and I'm not happy with it. What's the first thing you do?
01:52I'd say
01:54What's the matter? It's a great umbrella. No
01:57You apologize, right? Yeah, then what do you do? I
02:01Offered to swap it for another umbrella. There's nothing like it in stock. Well, I suggest you buy a hat. I don't want to buy
02:09Well, what's the matter with you first? You don't like our umbrellas now you don't like our hats
02:18Get out
02:23Right, we'll take a coffee break now after which we'll be talking about tills until procedure. What will we be talking about?
02:39It Kati no Kate. Oh
02:44Sorry, sorry a case for me you used to go out with my sister can you narrow it down a bit?
02:52You split up with her when you went off to join the Merchant Navy. Oh, yeah
02:58How is she oh she's married with a couple of kids what little
03:04kids children, yeah
03:06Wow, I remember you coming around to our house. I thought you were really sophisticated because you told my mum she had a cute bottom
03:15This has just been to see the graduate
03:18So
03:21Who you a younger sister
03:24Well, I'm to the little spotty one with the glasses and brace who played the recorder
03:29That was me
03:32You were brilliant at the recorder
03:36So you're doing this induction course as well, I mean, yes, I decided I wanted to well, you know work with people people
03:43Yeah
03:45Can't live with them can't live without him a people important for human relations
03:49I was always jealous of my sister. I used to wonder what you got up to in her bedroom
03:57Well, well, well the man and the lady lie on the bed and take their clothes. No, it's all right. I know now
04:05So have you got a girlfriend at the moment? Yeah, I'm seeing this girl upstairs for me. Oh
04:16What do you mean? Oh, well, I was just thought that's a fabulous thought
04:22Let's leave it. No, um biscuit
04:28She was just standing there making Michelle Pfeiffer look like Neil Kinnock
04:35And I turned her down. Yeah tragic. I
04:39Even told her I was going out with Deborah. I
04:42Should be so lucky
04:44Lucky lucky lucky
04:50Haven't even brushed Deborah's hair away from her face yet. You know the way I always do when I'm making me first move
04:56Yes, good. That is good, isn't it? Is it sort of intimate?
05:01But I could just be interested in hair
05:04That Dorothy's yeah. Oh, yes. She's written a name on it
05:09I
05:12Never said no to a woman before I've said yes
05:19So, what's your problem?
05:21Well, it's Deborah, isn't it? I can't eat. I can't sleep. You're doing all right last night. All right, I can eat
05:28Well, I can eat and sleep. I'm not enjoying it. So ask her out. I have done she's going out with Mike
05:35Tell her he's been killed in a plane crash on his way back from Singapore. I can't do that again
05:44Yeah
05:46Well, I just say it's purely sexual and there'll be no complications. Yes, you might respond to that
05:52After all, we shouldn't be afraid of our needs. I mean, it's an animal act
05:57She's an animal. I'm an animal. Yeah, except that she's a perfectly formed mammal and you're a sleazy little rodent
06:04I'm in a Brazil if they want sex. They just like go to a carnival and grab each other and do it
06:11Do you remember that bloke at university? He just used to go up to girls and ask him to sleep with him
06:15No questions asked
06:16Yeah
06:18A lot of them did didn't they? Yeah
06:20Your girlfriend did didn't she?
06:24Fatty hadn't even asked
06:26It worked for him, didn't it?
06:29I do can't have been very satisfying. Can it?
06:37Right, well, that's what I'll do then I'll I'll ask her down here and I'll come straight out with it
06:42I'll say Deborah. I'm what an animal. No Deborah. We've all got our needs juices juices
06:50bubbling over
06:51Well mine are anyway
06:53And your boyfriend's away for months yeah and experiments have shown that celibacy drives mice mad, okay, I don't know
07:01I'll tell her that anyway
07:03And then I'll look into her eyes and say so how about it? Do you want to snog or what?
07:10Yeah, that should do it
07:13What are you doing over there Dorothy's coming over in a minute all that stuff
07:18So, you know what you're doing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna suggest that we start again with an open relationship
07:24I'm for what well for me to keep Dorothy on the go for weekends and spread myself about a bit during the week
07:30She's not gonna go for that. Is she she might I'll explain to her that women are genetically monogamous bless them. Whereas men
07:39Men often go to the park in my lunch hand
07:42See all these women sitting there eating their lunches with nothing on under their clothes
07:48And I want some of that
07:50issues
07:53Don't mention the women in the park
08:05Are you all right?
08:09Are you oh, you know?
08:11How you all right?
08:17Well, it's for communicating
08:22Have you got my stuff together? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Have you got mine? Yeah
08:31Why do I get the impression that I was more committed to this relationship than you were no you just came around here more often
08:37That's all
08:39Suppose he killed the other plant a dermot did he over pruned it?
08:44Needed some greenery for a table arrangement he was doing I
08:48Gave you the foot spa Gary. Yeah, Dorothy. Can we talk about this calmly dirty feet can harbor a lot of bacteria Gary
09:00Sorry
09:05I've been thinking about us
09:09About all the good things in our relationship, you know all the deep deep
09:15Deep
09:17Deep yeah, I think I get the picture a lot of depth
09:20Get a great depth of our affection for each other
09:24Do you remember the first the first time we went on that weekend together that little hotel in the Cotswolds Swindon Swindon?
09:33You had your little suitcase, yeah, this is all very moving Gary
09:37But do we really need edited highlights of a dirty weekend in Swindon? However volcanic? I'm sorry
09:41Can I be allowed to paint this picture?
09:43We're splitting up because you don't care enough about me and you're not ready for a mature relationship
09:51All right
09:53Go on. Yeah, well, I've lost my place now little suitcase. Oh, yeah little suitcase and
09:58We went upstairs to the room and we we unpacked
10:01We undressed
10:03We made love
10:05And we both agreed that it was the most exciting and fulfilling experience that we've ever had
10:11And I don't want to lose that
10:15No, so why don't we go on having sex but see other people as well
10:29Okay
10:31That's all right, is it well we can give it a try can't we if you think this is gonna in any way degrade you
10:38Okay, let's give it a try
10:40slut no
10:43Are you smiling?
10:52Don't Gary getting dribble on my neck
11:04Get in there my son
11:07Oh
11:11Okay, see you in a mo. Okay. Ciao. Ciao
11:19Deborah there's something I want to say to you
11:23You're upstairs alone. I'm downstairs alone. Now nature's trying to tell us something very interesting here
11:38Deborah
11:40Did you know that the average male produces over 20 billion sperm a month
11:46That's enough to fill the boot of a mini Metro. I
11:50Know frightening, isn't it? But hey, there's something that you and I can do about this
12:01Or mr. Trendley
12:03Deborah nice name badge. I wish to pork you. What do I wish to do?
12:15Deborah have you ever been to a carnival in Brazil?
12:26Deborah what a nice surprise you just asked me down. Did I you don't want to borrow something again, do you?
12:34No, why you asked to borrow things eight times last week. I'm beginning to think you're making excuses to see me
12:40Keep on running out of essentials. Do you still need my cycling shorts? Yeah
12:48Deborah
12:55Have you seen our chair
12:58Have you just bought it no, we've always had it
13:02No, but what was the important reason you invited me down
13:21That was nice
13:24Yeah, I
13:26Like it when you do that thing with you, you know, yeah
13:30Yeah, it's good
13:34You're right. Hmm
13:40This
13:42Open relationship thing. Oh, don't let's talk about that now Gary. No, no
13:49Will you be taking advantage of the new arrangement to see anyone Oh expect so who
14:00Don't spoil it. No, I'm interested
14:03Well, I thought I'd work my way through the telephone director until I fell apart at the seams
14:08I'm being serious
14:10This isn't gonna work. Is it you're too jealous. No, I'm not I'll be doing some telephoning myself
14:17Shouldn't be too long for a bit of a rota going. I thought we were supposed to be experiencing a bit of freedom
14:23What's setting up a meat market?
14:26Anyway, you're all talk. No, I'm not
14:29Well, if you do manage to get some poor girl to go to bed with you, make sure you wear something
14:34I'll wear whatever is appropriate. I'm talking about condoms Gary. Not your hideous Parker
14:42I don't actually think I'm the one who needs reminding of my responsibilities
14:45It wasn't me that ran off with Graham was it? I might not have run off with Graham if you'd behaved a bit better
14:51I
14:53See you've picked up one or two tricks from him as well
14:57What do you mean thing you did with your nails
15:02Always done that. I thought you liked it not if you got it from another man
15:09Look this is silly. You should be thinking about us not other people
15:21I
15:26Turn your back for five minutes. I picked up bloody fingernail tricks
15:42Well, that was a bit of an erotic treat
15:44So
15:48Would you like
15:50Go to bed with the bloke from the off license. Why is he hiding in the wardrobe?
15:55As an example, I'm trying to get this arrangement sorted out. I don't have any of a laid-eyes on him twice. He seems quite well
16:02adjusted
16:04So would you?
16:05No, yes, I don't know. It's a theoretical possibility
16:14What about the relief barman in the crown
16:18Now
16:20This table here. It's quite a funny story attached to this actually
16:24because
16:25Gary bought it in this shop next to rumblers and he was gonna buy a smaller one
16:31But then he saw this bigger one, which is bigger
16:37Interesting now the sofa
16:41Came down, but have you really invited me down here to tell me about your furniture
16:46No
16:47But is it connected with furniture at all?
16:51It can be it's sort of optional
16:58Deborah
17:01When I was at college
17:02There was this bloke who used to just go up to girls and just ask them to sleep with him
17:08Yes, we had one of those we called him sad Norman
17:13Yeah, so did we yeah
17:15Yeah, a very sad thing to do. Yeah
17:23Can I get you some Horlicks
17:26No, thank you
17:31So
17:33How are you coping without your boyfriend
17:36No, we talk on the phone I
17:39Miss him, obviously
17:43Yeah, well, what do you miss most
17:49Someone to talk to waking up next to him
17:56Anything else
18:00Usual things
18:03What kind of usual thing
18:17So, do you want to go to bed with me no
18:21You live upstairs and meet down here and wanting each other all the time and you wanting me and and and me wanting you
18:28and once wanting
18:30wanting
18:32Wanting
18:35Sorry Dermot, I haven't heard a word you've said
18:41Well, I ought to be going all right, well glad you felt you could talk to me hope I've been a some use
18:47Dermot you still haven't told me what you wanted. Ah
18:52I
18:53Wanted to to give you this
18:58What is it I don't really know
19:03Thank you
19:13Mikhail Gorbachev. Yes
19:20Sir Robin Lee Pemberton. No
19:27TV astrologer Russell Grant
19:30I'm not even going to answer that one. I'll put him down as theoretically possible
19:36Gary what are you hoping to achieve with all this? I'm just trying to find out how many people you are prepared to go to
19:42bed with
19:43You won't be happy till I say you're the only one I want will you?
19:46I'm just a little bit surprised that you wouldn't say no if King
19:49One Carlos of Spain asked you back to his place for a game of bury the sausage
19:54I
19:57Could do exactly the same thing to you with a great long list of women. Oh
20:00It's lists of women now, is it? Well, let's completely change the subject
20:06Shall we just because we're feeling a bit guilty. I don't believe you
20:10You're slobbering over other women for two years
20:12You suggest an open relationship, but when it comes to the crunch you come on like some medieval chastity freak
20:24I
20:27Bernard Manning
20:30I've already had him
20:35The Thames River Police
20:42Now what does an empty plate of custard cream suggest it's just they're more popular than ginger nuts, doesn't it?
20:54Oh
20:56Hello Kate, hi, listen
21:00It's incredible thing happened last night. I got home and this woman I'm involved with
21:04Well say involved with more sort of loosely connected to really left a note saying she's gone abroad. All right
21:11Yeah to Brazil for a month
21:13What's she going to be doing there?
21:16Better jungle work
21:19So anyway, are you free tonight? Oh, I don't know. I don't think was such a good idea. Yes, it was
21:26I'm sorry Dermot. I
21:29Might have fancied you when I was a kid, but that was ten years ago ten years nothing
21:36It was a schoolgirl crush
21:39Well, it's a bit like a school get another crush. I don't think so
21:48My mum remembered you she told me to say hello she doing anything tonight
22:04So, uh
22:05When I write with Dorothy last night, did it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
22:10Yeah, it's amazing the body's powers of recovery
22:14Mind you that headboard stays unnumbered
22:19So she's accepted this open relationship business is he yeah, she'd be all right once she gets over the jealousy thing
22:27She really can't handle it. I may have to go consider going back to the way things were before
22:33Not the old monogamy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's back in again. We're not gonna me
22:38Yeah, I thought it's out again. No, no, it's back in
22:42Huh, I must be thinking of skateboarding
22:45I
22:52Saw Kate today I thought I
22:55Can't take her away from her boyfriend. I mean what kind of scumbag goes in and breaks up a happy couple
23:01So you didn't bother then?
23:07About Deborah I
23:10Might mention something to her. I can't really remember
23:13What did she say?
23:16I think she might been edging towards it. Maybe oh, yeah, not bad
23:22Well, you know
23:24Thought I'd play it cool though. Leave it there for a bit
23:26I mean, you know women are laboring under this pathetic misconception that we're all obsessed by them. Yeah
23:35So you didn't mention the 20 billion sperm
23:37I didn't
23:41Well, it's a lot isn't it I mentioned it to my yeah subtly oh, yeah
23:54Yes, sugar in this bowl, isn't it 20 million pieces from me
24:07You