First broadcast 25th February 1992.
Gary and Dermot engage in a game of chess, where the winner will get two tickets to Carmen.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Peter Doran ... Graham
Andrew Lodge ... Store Supervisor
Gary and Dermot engage in a game of chess, where the winner will get two tickets to Carmen.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Peter Doran ... Graham
Andrew Lodge ... Store Supervisor
Category
📺
TVTranscript
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05:31Sorry, just to recap, if I lose this game,
05:33you get me and Dorothy's tickets to Carmen.
05:35Yep. We'll play on Friday.
05:37Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
05:47Marjorie and I went to the garden centre at the weekend
05:51and bought a lawnmower.
05:54There's a picture of it. Look.
06:00It's lovely, George.
06:02I remember you suggesting that I photograph everything I buy
06:05in case it gets stolen.
06:09There's a privet bush we bought.
06:14There's some packets of seeds.
06:17Not just now, George. I've got a lot on my mind. All right?
06:25Bluff your way in cheese.
06:30Chess, George. Chess. I haven't got time to worry about cheese.
06:34Why are you reading a book about chess?
06:36We're having the Kasparovs round on Saturday night
06:38and I don't want the conversation to start.
06:51Is that consumption, Anthony, or are you trying to attract my attention?
06:54Mr Swaby Engineering want to know if we're going to market their handcuffs.
06:58Yes.
07:00And your friend Dorothy rang to check that you've hired your dinner jacket
07:05for the opera.
07:06Ah.
07:09Are you taking calls now
07:11or are you still busy chairing an international conference?
07:14Still chairing, Anthony.
07:20That's no good, George. You're going to have to help me.
07:23I promised Dermot I can beat him at chess by Friday.
07:26You can't hurry chess.
07:28I started a postal game with a pen friend in Hong Kong.
07:32We were just warming up, really, for the first six years.
07:36Who won?
07:37Oh, we're still playing, actually.
07:39I've just put his queen under pressure.
07:42Mind you, that was in 1985.
08:28Hello.
08:30Deborah, you're looking stunning.
08:32Thank you.
08:33No, really, your hair, clothes, everything.
08:36Thank you.
08:37Eyes, face, absolutely stunning.
08:40I love your slug.
08:42I'm sorry?
08:43Your slug, it's wonderful.
08:46It's a lizard, actually.
08:51So, what are you doing here?
08:53Oh, er, just looking at myself in the mirror. How about yourself?
08:56I thought you'd find something nice for my flat.
08:59Stunning.
09:02Actually, I really like this bookcase here.
09:06Yes, a marvellous piece of furniture, isn't it?
09:09Look, they've even made room for things like books and...
09:13mugs, anything you like, really.
09:16Brilliant.
09:17Do you think you have to order it?
09:19I don't know, perhaps we could ask someone.
09:21Mr Povey, when you're finished with that customer,
09:24this lady has a question about cushion care.
09:27I'm sorry, I don't care about cushions.
09:29Could you try that shop?
09:33I didn't know you actually worked here.
09:35No, a lot of people don't.
09:37Listen, I'm glad I bumped into you.
09:39I was going to come up and tell you.
09:41I've got us tickets to see Carmen.
09:43But you don't even know if I like opera.
09:45Oh, you'll love it.
09:46You know, it's the one where they roll cigars on the inside of their thighs.
09:50Yes, I know which one it is.
09:52Well, if I go, I insist on paying.
09:54Oh, no, you can pay next time.
09:58You do know I have a boyfriend, don't you?
10:01Oh...
10:02I can only get two tickets.
10:06I know.
10:07He works in Singapore.
10:09Good.
10:11I hope you're not just trying to chat me up.
10:13Oh, no, no.
10:15No, I'm just being neighbourly.
10:17Thanks, then.
10:19Is your boyfriend going to be away long?
10:25I must get back to Marjorie.
10:28We always watch News at Ten together in bed.
10:32Can't she watch it on her own?
10:34We like to say the bongs together.
10:39Marjorie will worry that I've got a lady friend.
10:42Well, you ooze sexuality, George, I guess.
10:45Do you think so?
10:47I think one woman's enough, don't you?
10:49It's like having two houses.
10:51Whichever one you're in, you're worried about the other one.
10:54Have you ever suggested marriage to Dorothy?
10:57Yeah, but she hasn't liked any of the men I've come up with.
11:00Actually, things aren't going at all well, George.
11:03I'm in danger of being chucked for another man.
11:06You're not always complaining about her.
11:08I thought she'd be pleased.
11:10I'm always complaining about the weather.
11:12It doesn't mean I don't want any.
11:14If I lose these tickets, she'll probably never speak to me again.
11:17Oh, she'll understand if you tell her the truth.
11:20She'll never believe me.
11:22I'll have to say I've given them to a charity for little children.
11:26No, sick little children.
11:28Orphans. Sick little orphans.
11:34I think I'm bloated with all those cups of coffee.
11:37I think you'd be more comfortable, George,
11:39if you weren't wearing Anthea's spare coat.
11:42Wait a minute. Look out, George.
11:45My horse is going to jump on your vicar.
11:48You still have a lot to learn, don't you?
11:51Checkmate.
11:56Oh, don't go, George. I still need more practice.
12:00If I set off now,
12:02I'll catch Marjorie before she takes her plate out.
12:06I didn't want to have to use force, George.
12:12Do you want a long, drawn-out lesson in clinical precision,
12:15or do you just want the crap kicked out of you?
12:18BELL RINGS
12:21You're really enjoying this, aren't you?
12:23What makes you think that?
12:25Why have I got the Albanian flag?
12:27It was reduced.
12:32I'm sorry, George.
12:34I didn't mean to be rude.
12:36I'm sorry, George.
12:38I didn't mean to be rude.
12:40I didn't mean to be rude.
12:42I didn't mean to be rude.
12:44I didn't mean to be rude.
12:46I didn't mean to be rude.
12:49Ha-ha-ha-ha.
12:54Don't you worry about me, sunshine.
12:56George has been teaching me all his tricks.
12:58I wonder where you've been all week.
13:00I thought you'd moved out until I saw your Mr Squeezy Banana Toothpaste
13:04was still in the bathroom.
13:06Ha-ha-ha-ha.
13:17Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
13:27I've asked Deborah out.
13:32What happened?
13:35SHE SIGHS
13:44You've asked her to come, haven't you?
13:46Yes.
13:48WHISTLE BLOWS
13:53HE CHUCKLES
14:00What?
14:02It's one of those chess term fools, mate.
14:04Yeah, it's when the king gets blocked by the queen...
14:08and he loses straight away.
14:10Ha-ha-ha-ha.
14:12Checkmate.
14:14What a triumph for Albania!
14:18I'll give you 50 quid.
14:20Rubbish, it would have cost you 200, mate.
14:22I'll give you my two best suits.
14:24They wouldn't fit me, Stumpy.
14:26What am I going to do?
14:28You should have thought about that before, shouldn't you?
14:31Ha-ha-ha-ha.
14:52Align the A arrow with the B arrow,
14:55taking care not to overstress the dowel pins.
14:59OK, dowel pins, just relax, OK?
15:04How's it going in there?
15:06Er, I'm just aligning the A arrow with the B arrow.
15:11That was kind of you to offer to help.
15:13Oh. Well, I've done a few of these in my time.
15:16Does it always take two hours to get this far?
15:19No, that's pretty standard, actually.
15:21A lot of people rush at it and end up overstressing their dowel pins.
15:25How's the welding going in there?
15:27I've finished.
15:29By the way, what time does the opera start tomorrow?
15:32Oh, no, I'm afraid I've got a bit of bad news.
15:35I've had my wallet stolen.
15:37Oh, no!
15:39How?
15:41Oh, you know, the usual thing, the snatch,
15:43the desperate chase through crowded streets, all right.
15:46Oh, that's awful.
15:48Anyway, the thief got away with the ticket.
15:50Were they very expensive?
15:53Oh, I'm not worried about the £200.
15:57I just wanted us to have a good time.
15:59Don't worry. We can do something else instead.
16:02Yeah, I've had one or two ideas, actually.
16:05It's Gary from downstairs.
16:08Ah. Hello, Deborah.
16:10Hi. It's Gary from downstairs.
16:13Yes. Yes.
16:15I heard you banging about up here.
16:17I haven't had my overalls on anyway,
16:19so I thought I'd pop up, see if I can lend a hand.
16:21Well, I'm OK out in the kitchen.
16:23Dermot might need a hand. Ah, right.
16:27You've been down there, Owen. Increases in them.
16:31You told her your bad news yet?
16:33Yep.
16:35What excuse did you use?
16:37I don't want to talk about it. It's all settled.
16:39Don't tell me. You had your wallet stolen.
16:42You got something explosive you could be playing with downstairs?
16:47Are you sure you don't need a hand?
16:49No, it's fine. I think we're nearly there, actually.
16:59Sure you didn't mind me choosing the video?
17:01No, you deserve it after the mix-up with the tickets.
17:04Anyway, I haven't seen a cartoon for ages.
17:09Listen, shall we watch it up in your flat?
17:12Why? It's cosier up there.
17:14Dermot, we're just friends. We don't have to be cosy.
17:18No, it's just that Gary and his girlfriend
17:21haven't been getting on very well recently.
17:23Don't want to be here when they get back.
17:26Sounds like they're back.
17:38Well, that was quite an evening.
17:41Have you been to a fancy dress party?
17:44Yes. I went as the man who arrives at the opera
17:47with two forged tickets and has a fistfight
17:49in front of the whole of London high society.
17:52Gary asked the box office manager to step outside.
17:55Yeah, the son of a bitch would have been dead meat
17:57if you hadn't gotten away.
17:59Gary, she was a 60-year-old woman with a bad hip.
18:05Oh, you poor old thing.
18:09£300 wasted.
18:12Still, at least you tried to do something for me for a change.
18:16£300, eh? That's inflation for you.
18:19The police came, of course.
18:21Oh, they managed to get tickets, did they?
18:23Oi! I've heard about enough of you this week.
18:26Does the Liberace estate know you're wearing one of his old costumes?
18:29They've run out of black tuxedos, if you must know, Dermot!
18:32Gary, Gary, it doesn't matter about Carmen.
18:35We can see it another time.
18:37That's funny. We were supposed to see Carmen tonight.
18:40Listen, Debs, I think we ought to go.
18:42My salami surprise is getting cold.
18:44Don't rush off. I'm interested to know why you didn't go.
18:49Dermot said somebody had stolen our tickets.
18:52Yes, well, one thing you have to learn about Dermot
18:54is that he's a liar, a womaniser, and he doesn't even like the opera.
18:58That's three things.
19:00I've told him before he can't go on arranging bogus evenings
19:03just because he wants to go to bed with people.
19:06Dermot, you are a sad little man.
19:10Well, he didn't mention my good points.
19:13Were you always like this with women or was this a special performance?
19:17No, no, it's just...
19:20I can't afford to buy you fancy evenings and expensive presents.
19:23Don't listen to him. He's a proven liar.
19:25Don't, Gary. He's upset.
19:27Sorry, Debra, I've let you down.
19:30Let myself down.
19:33I guess, in a funny kind of way, I've let lovers down everywhere.
19:39And that is the most transparent bullshit I've ever heard in my life.
19:43If you'll excuse me, Dorothy, we're going to loosen some clothing.
19:47No, no, don't go yet. You'll enjoy this.
19:50Dorothy, ask Gary how much he actually paid for those tickets.
19:55Gary?
19:57How much did I pay? What do you mean, in money terms?
20:00No, Gary, in jumping beans. What do you think?
20:03I think it was somewhere in the region of...
20:07You didn't pay for them, did you?
20:09Not in the sense of paying for them. In the business community...
20:12I don't want a miniseries, Gary. Just tell me.
20:15Listen to this bit. It's absolutely brilliant.
20:18A photocopier salesman gave me them in exchange for two rolls of barbed wire.
20:22It's surprisingly expensive, actually, good barbed wire.
20:25How cheap can you get?
20:27You finally pretend you've spent some money on me and then it transpires...
20:30You know you enjoy it more if you think it's expensive.
20:33You watch me put this rubbish in my hair.
20:35No, Dorothy, it's a statement.
20:37A royal gala, you said.
20:39We'll probably run into the Yorks in the queue for Cornettos, you said.
20:43Come on, we saw Lionel Blair in the foyer. Possibly.
20:48I'm going. No, wait, I'll give you your bus fare.
20:50Thank you.
20:52I'll call for a car.
20:55Thanks for the evening, Dermot.
20:57Oh, it was nothing. I know.
21:01Oh, poo.
21:08That'll be my car. Oh, no, don't go. Let's play chess.
21:11I've learned, you see, so you don't have to play with anyone else now.
21:14You're only doing this because you're so jealous of Graham.
21:17No, I'm not. I've changed. I've been looking at all those slides you left behind.
21:20There's some fascinating architecture in Rome.
21:22Florence. Florence. Fascinating.
21:24It's too late.
21:28Oh, Graham.
21:30Hello, Dorothy. This is Gary.
21:32Graham.
21:34Hello, Graham.
21:36Hello, Gary. Very nice to meet you.
21:39We've all been having some wine.
21:41Can I offer you a glass of urine?
21:45No, thank you.
21:46A lot of people don't like a nose that big,
21:48but I think it breaks up an otherwise dull face.
21:52Can you stay and watch a bit of this?
21:54No, I think we really ought to be going.
21:56Oh, well. Bye-bye, Graham. Sorry you couldn't stay any longer.
21:59Bye, Graham. Nice to meet you.
22:01Must have a game of chess sometime.
22:03Sorry, I don't play chess.
22:07What?
22:08I don't play chess.
22:10You don't play chess?
22:12No, I don't.
22:13You don't play chess?!
22:17How dare you not play chess?!
22:20How dare you not play chess with my Dorothy?!
22:25Sorry.
22:26Get out of my flat, the pair of you!
22:28Is he always like this?
22:30Get off to your foxy hospital and don't play chess together!
22:34Get out!
22:42Never mind, eh?
22:44We can have a game of chess if you want.
22:50LAUGHTER
23:20THEME MUSIC