Men Behaving Badly. S01 E06. My Brilliant Career.
First broadcast 24th March 1992.
Dermot gets a job a Deborahs restaurant. Meanwhile Gary tries to tell George and Anthea, that they may lose their job.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Matt Bradley ... Trendy Man
Suzy Cooper ... Trendy Woman
Alan Bodenham ... Solitary Diner
Dermot gets a job a Deborahs restaurant. Meanwhile Gary tries to tell George and Anthea, that they may lose their job.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Matt Bradley ... Trendy Man
Suzy Cooper ... Trendy Woman
Alan Bodenham ... Solitary Diner
Category
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TVTranscript
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04:16What did you want to be when you were a kid?
04:19Rock guitarist. Yeah.
04:21What, you too? No, no.
04:23Manager of a small engineering firm.
04:26Funny, isn't it?
04:28The crazy dreams we once had.
04:30Crazy.
04:32I reckon I could still be a guitarist, you know,
04:35if I learnt to play guitar.
04:37For a while I wanted to be that little girl
04:39on the test car playing noughts and crosses.
04:43Yeah, well, didn't we all?
04:47Then after that you want any job where there's lots of women around.
04:51I wanted to be choreographer for Pans People.
04:55Sent off for details, actually.
04:57My parents just wanted me to have a respectable job.
05:00You've done all right, then? Yeah, yeah.
05:03Nothing wrong with my career.
05:05I give my best years to high-quality security equipment.
05:08Hmm.
05:13I mean, look at Dermot.
05:15He's been around.
05:17He's had lots of interesting jobs. Briefly.
05:20Not to leave, he once nearly sold a pair of shoes to Bamba Gascoigne.
05:24It probably wasn't as exciting as it sounds.
05:27No, no. No, I'm sure it wasn't.
05:29I was excited for a while.
05:32Back in the 1960s.
05:35Found it rather worrying.
05:38Now Dermot's going to be working with Debra.
05:40George, when was the last time we had somebody young and attractive in this office?
05:44Oh, I think that must have been Cindy.
05:46No, you can't count Anthea's dog, George.
05:49No, I suppose not.
05:51You know, when I first came here,
05:53within three years I was going to have two PERT secretaries
05:56and an executive drinks cabinet.
05:58What have I got? Anthea and a flask.
06:01What do you want two secretaries for?
06:03I don't know. I think I was going to take one home at the weekends.
06:08I've got the biscuits you like, George.
06:11That's the entertainment budget shot to pieces.
06:14Thank you.
06:16I was wondering, Anthea,
06:19maybe next week we could experiment tentatively
06:23with some Garibaldi.
06:25This is what it's like at the cutting edge of British industry.
06:30Don't rush off, Anthea. I'm going to ask you something.
06:34Do you see me as a dynamic entrepreneur or a complete failure?
06:42Well, it's not that hard, is it? I'm obviously not a complete failure.
06:46I think I know the answer to that.
06:48Let me put it another way.
06:50Do you think this is the right environment
06:52for an ambitious and thrusting young executive?
06:54Well, isn't it more important just to be happy?
06:58Well, it's nice, but it's...
07:00No! I think too many young people are scrambling
07:03to get ahead at the expense of older people.
07:06I'm sorry, but that's what I think.
07:12Bloody hell.
07:14What was all that ranting about?
07:16I thought Ian Paisley walked in the room.
07:19I think she's a bit sensitive.
07:21It's her birthday on Saturday.
07:23What, again?
07:26Didn't we get her something last year to cheer her up?
07:29Yes, a new in-tray.
07:31Oh. Did it cheer her up?
07:33I don't think so.
07:35Well, we can't give her that again, then, can we?
07:38The best present I ever had was a little blue tricycle.
07:43But I suppose that's a boy's thing, really.
07:46George, I think it's time we did something special for Anthea.
07:49I sometimes get the impression she's afraid of me.
07:52Oh, I think you're being oversensitive.
07:54Why don't I take us all out for a really nice meal?
07:58Anthea has a bit of a sensitive stomach.
08:01We'd have to take her somewhere where she'd be looked after.
08:17Listen to this.
08:19A customer you are serving has a piece of food stuck on his chin.
08:23Would you A, ignore it,
08:25B, tell the diner the problem in a jocular manner,
08:29or C, remove the offending piece with a serviette?
08:33C.
08:35Well, it depends, doesn't it?
08:37I mean, if it was a great big strip of carrot or something.
08:41It'd be funnier just to leave it, though.
08:44What's the answer?
08:46The answer, B, tell the diner the problem.
08:49C, appendix three for a selection of jocular remarks.
08:53I remember the first time Gary and I went out for a meal together.
08:57He spent half an hour with a piece of cucumber at the corner of his mouth.
09:01What did you do?
09:03I leaned across the table and sucked it off.
09:06Right, then.
09:08You were romantic in those days.
09:10Yeah. This'll give us some ideas.
09:12My parents used to play it with me.
09:14Who's the postman?
09:16An amusing career game for young folk.
09:19What else do you find in the shed?
09:21Oh, nothing as fun as this.
09:23Let's play with a lawnmower.
09:25No!
09:26Dorothy, you can be the doctor's wife.
09:28Who do you want to be, Dermot?
09:30Don't I get a choice?
09:31That's the only woman left. I lost the assistant librarian.
09:34I'm going to be the smug little bastard in the suit.
09:37No! My parents always let me be the accountant.
09:39You can be the baker.
09:41I've got no jobs and I'm just somebody's wife.
09:43Look, I'm just as much a feminist as you are, Dorothy,
09:46but we've got to stick to the rules, eh?
09:48I could be the engineer.
09:50No, you're a girl.
10:00You purchase an imprudent brand of flour.
10:03God, this is terrifying.
10:05Require two blue-collar cards.
10:08Your husband picks up something nasty in the surgery.
10:12Lose one climber token while you restore him to health.
10:16Oh, come on, you two, this is educational.
10:19It'll help you with your careers.
10:21There's nothing wrong with my career that a decent salary wouldn't improve.
10:25You nurses do an excellent job, but it's not a proper job, is it?
10:29Well, I mean, of course it is a proper job, yes,
10:32but it's in a sort of public service kind of a caring sort of way.
10:37The chaps in your department award you a popularity prize.
10:41Earn 15 guineas.
10:46You're so smug, aren't you?
10:48You sell burglar alarms in a dingy little office for a dead-end company
10:52and you come on like you're achieving something.
10:54Oh, I see.
10:56The other day, somebody at work asked me what you did for a living.
10:59I told them you were unemployed.
11:01It seemed more impressive.
11:03That office would close down without me.
11:05I'm responsible for people.
11:07I suppose I just push a tea trolley.
11:09I think you do an excellent job, Dorothy.
11:11Thank you, Dermot.
11:12In a really sexy uniform.
11:16Uh-oh, looks like trouble.
11:18You lose both thumbs in a kneading machine.
11:22Miss Six Turns.
11:24Oh, no!
11:27You don't have to worry about me.
11:30You don't have to worry about me.
11:32I've got a standing offer of a managerial job at Vulcan Technology.
11:36Go on, then. What are you waiting for? Take the job.
11:39When the time is right for me to showcase my talents
11:42on a broader canvas, then I will.
11:45If you're scared of taking on a new job, Gary, just say so.
11:49Gary, is this yours?
11:51Yeah, I found it in the shed.
11:53I always wanted a Johnny Seven. Let's play war.
11:56Yeah, no girls.
12:00Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
12:03Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
12:11We're ready to order now. OK.
12:16Um, I'll go for the, um, Soufflé Roquefort,
12:20and, uh, mange tout.
12:23One cheesy thing with the flat peas.
12:27And for your sumptuous girlfriend.
12:30What's in the sauce maison?
12:32Oh, you know these French chefs,
12:34they'll stick in their own grandmother if it improves the colour.
12:37Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, just being jocular.
12:40Um, no, it's sort of mushy.
12:42I think there might be a few prawns...
12:44Yeah, perhaps I'll have the chicken salad.
12:46Chicken salad.
12:48Thank you, darling.
12:50Thank you.
12:52Dermot, the kitchen staff are getting slightly confused.
12:55He's put here, glasses, no neck.
12:58Yeah, that's the bloke over there.
13:04So I can tell he's having what?
13:06Oh, right, that would explain
13:08perfume, fantastic breasts.
13:11Sorry.
13:13Stick to the table number, Dermot. OK.
13:15Hi. Hello.
13:17Has he flambéed anyone's trousers yet?
13:19No, not yet. I've put you over here.
13:22Special occasion, is it?
13:24Gary's entertaining his staff.
13:26Oh, that's generous.
13:28Well, would be if I wasn't about to sack them.
13:30You're not sacking them, Gary, you're resigning.
13:33I've told you, it amounts to the same thing.
13:35The company will close that office down without me,
13:37even if they don't.
13:39Do you think a new boss is going to keep George and Anthea on?
13:42Well, they're probably better off moving on anyway.
13:44I mean, Anthea jabbers away to herself
13:46like she's a victim of some awful laboratory experiment.
13:49I bet she was all right till she met you.
13:51George is about as easy to understand as Birmingham.
13:55Anything to drink?
13:57Oh, God, you're not serving us, are you?
13:59I'm fresh and enthusiastic.
14:01You're untrained, incompetent, clumsy and probably dangerous.
14:04Same thing, same thing.
14:06Anthea's going to be jumpy enough without you tipping a halibut
14:09down the back of her dress. Leave it out, will you?
14:11I'm trying to impress Deborah.
14:13I'll have a vodka and tonic, please, Dermot.
14:15And Gary will have a straw and a bottle of the House White
14:17to calm him down.
14:19Phew!
14:22You'll have to tell George and Anthea I can't.
14:25It's typically arrogant of you to assume they can't go on without you.
14:28They can't.
14:30Have you ever watched George trying to unstaple his tie from a piece of paper?
14:33Well, I'm not telling them.
14:35You're the captain of industry.
14:37I just push a tea trolley, remember?
14:39You forced me into this job in the first place.
14:42It's Macbeth, isn't it? All over again, exactly.
14:44Oh, exactly. Macbeth.
14:46Macbeth.
14:48That's the play about a burglar alarm salesman
14:50who ruthlessly accepts a job just outside Hendon,
14:52egged on by a nurse without a proper job.
14:55I'm not a burglar alarm salesman. I'm a security consultant.
14:58Look, Gary, the whole... Oh, hello!
15:02Happy birthday.
15:04Happy birthday, Anthea.
15:06Thank you. Pretty brooch.
15:08I got that with my first salary check from Gary.
15:11I thought this was a good time to wear it.
15:14Well...
15:17We should do this every year.
15:19Ah, well, who can tell where we'll be this time next year, George?
15:22Oh, I think this job will see me through to retirement.
15:25Well, that's a comforting thought, isn't it?
15:28How about a drink, George?
15:30Oh, here we are.
15:36Thank you.
15:40Hello, Dermot. What are you doing here?
15:42Branching out into a new career.
15:44This is what, to supplement your income?
15:46No, this is the new career.
15:48Right.
15:55There you go, mate.
15:57And for you, madam,
15:59the moist, tender breast of chicken,
16:03delicately mounted on a bed of pouting greenery.
16:09Enjoy your meal.
16:11If my girlfriend wants you to slobber over her,
16:14I'm sure she'll ask.
16:16You think I've got a chance, then, Kate?
16:27What about the pork? That hasn't got anything foreign in it.
16:30You're sure it doesn't come with anything peculiar?
16:33Pork in a cream and mushroom sauce.
16:36Sounds like tremendous fun.
16:39I suppose I could scrape the sauce off if I don't like it.
16:42Well, there you go, Anthea.
16:44But I don't like pork, though.
16:47I'm sorry. I'm holding you all up.
16:50No, no, no. You take all the time you want, Anthea.
16:53Right, so how are you doing?
16:55Silly bitch can't make her mind up.
16:57Well, maybe if you tell me what you want,
16:59I'll see if Chef can rustle it up.
17:02Well, what I really fancy
17:05is a bowl of cereal.
17:10LAUGHTER
17:15Now, at times, Gary can be frighteningly efficient.
17:19Makes me look a bit of a bumbler.
17:21I expect you save yourself when you're at home.
17:23Oh, good Lord, no.
17:25When I get home, I go all vague and dithery.
17:28We're a bit of a happy family, really, in the office.
17:31Well, the nearest I get to having one, anyway.
17:34Oh, God.
17:36Look, I'm sorry. There's something I've got to say.
17:40You all enjoy your meal?
17:42Lovely. Thank you.
17:44I suppose I should have been a bit more adventurous.
17:47There's nothing unadventurous about Coco Pops.
17:50But when I'm really happy, like now,
17:53well, I can't help indulging myself.
17:56All right, Anthea.
17:58So, anyway, as I was saying,
18:00I've been discussing my career with Dorothy
18:03who's a friend of mine who works at Vulcan Technology.
18:06Oh, a letter arrived for you today. I'll go and get it.
18:10Now, this friend and I were discussing the work landscape,
18:15future-wise,
18:17and the prospect of me enlarging their staffing capability spectrum.
18:23I'm not sure that I'm quite following you.
18:26In a nutshell, I think what Gary's saying is...
18:30Gary?
18:32I've accepted... Here it is.
18:34I'm trying to explain a delicate matter here.
18:37If you're also interested, you go and open it.
18:41So, anyway, this friend and I both agreed that the time was right
18:46to enlarge my career...
18:49Oh, dear.
18:51..perspective... How many words?
18:54Those birthday charades, that'll liven us all up.
19:03All right.
19:07Two words.
19:09Second word.
19:11Lobe. Dangly lobes.
19:14Sounds like.
19:16Nose.
19:19Course of orthodontical treatment.
19:22Mouth, lips, gob, gob.
19:25Nose.
19:27Can we have our bill, please?
19:29Just shut up!
19:31Sounds like gob.
19:33Job.
19:35Nose.
19:37First word.
19:39No first word.
19:42Nodding job.
19:45Italian job.
19:51Blowjob.
19:58That doesn't sound right.
20:02No job.
20:04Nose job.
20:06What's no job supposed to mean? Is it a musical?
20:09Of course it isn't. It's a piece of bad news.
20:11It's me, isn't it? I've got no job.
20:13I'm going to lose my job.
20:15You haven't got the job. They've frozen recruitment.
20:18Never mind, Gary.
20:20At least George and Anthea didn't understand a word you were saying.
20:23Hey, smart-arse. Bill.
20:26OK.
20:28It's all right, Anthea. You're not going to lose your job.
20:31None of us are.
20:33We're just the sort of people who never really go anywhere.
20:35I'm sorry. I was just being silly.
20:39Oh!
20:41There you go, Anthea. That's from Gary.
20:44Thank you.
20:46Happy birthday, Anthea.
20:48Thank you and goodbye.
20:54Sometimes I wish I was just a bloody waiter.
20:59She had a bit of cucumber on the side of her mouth.
21:11All I did was make a small technical error.
21:14Technical error?
21:16The man caught you trying to slip your tongue in his girlfriend's mouth.
21:19I was just trying to be helpful.
21:22Overall, though, I think I made a good impression on Deborah, don't you think?
21:27Well, it's hard to say, really, isn't it?
21:29The fact that she sacked you isn't a good sign, is it?
21:32Bit of a setback, yeah.
21:34Anyway, I'm off to bed.
21:37Where's Dorothy?
21:39She's got to get up early in the morning,
21:41sew somebody's ear back on or something.
21:44I'd better get some sleep myself.
21:46I need to get a few things tomorrow.
21:49What, like a job, a girlfriend and a future?
21:52Yeah.
21:54Maybe I'll try that new Asda,
21:56see if I can get all three under the one roof.
22:01Night, Gary.
22:03Night, Dermot.
22:05Night-night, then.
22:07Night.
22:09Yeah, night-night.
22:11Night.
22:13Goodnight.
22:15Night.
22:17Night.
22:19You've always got to speak last, haven't you?
22:21No.
22:23APPLAUSE
22:53Night.
22:55Night.
22:57Goodnight.
22:59Goodnight.
23:01That's enough.
23:03All right, night.
23:23Goodnight, Dermot.